New Life LIVE

Guest (Male): Welcome to the New Life LIVE podcast. We hope to provide help and hope in your life through God's word, counselors, and psychologists as we answer questions from listeners who call with the challenges of life. Let's go to today's episode.

Brian Perez: Well, hello! We are so glad you've chosen to spend time with us today, and we can't wait to speak with you. My name's Brian Perez. This is New Life LIVE, and the studio lines are open for the next two hours at 1-800-229-3000. If you feel overwhelmed or defeated by what you're facing, pick up the phone and call us. Your breakthrough is just a call away.

You're hearing today's broadcast because faithful supporters of the ministry believe in the importance of free professional biblical counsel. Giving that counsel today are Doctors Jill Hubbard and Alice Benton. Both of them are clinical psychologists, and both of them have great insight on life. But don't take my word for it. Dr. Alice, prove to the people what I just said.

Dr. Alice Benton: Oh boy, what a setup. Okay, I'll try. I need to actually clear my father's name because in a recent call, I had shared with a woman who had a very emotionally unstable mother and she wondered whether or not she should introduce her mother to her children despite a lack of recovery or signs of safety.

I responded to her with, "Well, if my father were abusive and he recently hit me again and then asked when can I meet the grandkids, what would you tell me?" We have very faithful New Life listeners, and a couple of them contacted me and thanked me for caring so much to say we're praying for you. We didn't know your dad was physically abusive.

It filled my heart that you listened that well and took action to contact me. My Papa, we call him Papa, is a wonderful man who never physically abused me. It was only an example that I was using. So you don't have to worry about me anymore. Turn those prayers towards the other listeners who desperately need them.

On another note about parental screen management, my eight-year-old told me recently, "I can't wait to turn 18. I'm going to live in my car if I have to while working at In-N-Out, but at least I'll be able to use my screen as much as I want." I took it a little hard at first. That hurt my feelings, and I was sad that he takes our screen limitations in that way and can't wait to get away from us.

As I've thought and prayed about it, I also realized that his upset is a sign that I'm mostly on the right track because he can't get enough of his screens and he would use them all night long if he could. That is what we see when people don't have outside limitations. Not always, but often the draw to screens is just so strong. So his upset means in part we're doing some right things here.

But it's always worthwhile to reevaluate and make sure, "Am I being overly strict or overly harsh?" He also asked, "Why do you limit us so much? Surely if you let us have three, four hours a day, that wouldn't do us any harm." We try to keep our kids at about an hour and a half of individual screen entertainment.

I asked him later, "Do you trust us when we limit your candy and soda intake and we tell you you'll have teeth problems if you keep eating and drinking?" He said, "Yeah, I do trust you on that one, but you overlimit us on screen time."

I also asked, "Do you ever feel upset when Daddy and I don't pay enough attention to you because of our screen use?" There are times where he says he cannot easily get our attention. I said the same thing happens to you, Walter. It sucks in your time and attention and more than you're aware of. So you may stay angry with me about this, and I'll keep working on my part, but I ask you to trust me. In these matters, our kids may not agree, may not understand, but can we parents courageously hold a line because we know as candy and soda, too much of it will rot your teeth, too much screen time does lead to brain rot.

Dr. Jill Hubbard: Yes, so good. What I love is you're setting a precedent, so by the time he's 18, he may not want that much screen time, right? That's the hope, but I'm not holding my breath. I know.

Brian Perez: Though there's nothing wrong with his other goal of working at In-N-Out Burger. I mean, that's a great place. We'll be back.

Guest (Male): To find out more information about New Life or to order any of the resources mentioned on today's program, call 1-800-NEW-LIFE. Now back to New Life LIVE.

Brian Perez: 1-800-229-3000 is the number to call us today here at New Life LIVE, and we're going to be in the studio for two hours. Can't wait to speak with you. I think, Alice, you had another thought before the music ended.

Dr. Alice Benton: I do, because I've tried to succinctly summarize why I have the screen limits I do in answer to my son's question, "Why do you limit us so much?" This is what I've paired it down to. You will miss out on too much important off-screen time, really the practice of life, of being able to build your skills and talents off-screen.

We see that too much screen time leads to depression, anxiety, insecurity, and for some, suicidal ideation. Certainly the impaired attention span that we've already talked about. Then the dopamine factor because it's hard to match the excitement level, the novelty, and the entertainment of gaming and reels in the real world. So real life becomes intolerable and boring if it doesn't match that high level of screen excitement. That's what I'm trying to help safeguard my children from.

Dr. Jill Hubbard: Well, and people, we know after a while, things plateau. So that dopamine hit chasing that happens with screens, and they call it now "doom scrolling" because you keep trying to get that and there isn't enough of it to give you the original high, really.

Brian Perez: Whoever came up with that name, doom scrolling, is on to something.

Dr. Jill Hubbard: And mind-numbing, yes.

Dr. Alice Benton: To be honest, for people-pleaser, conflict-avoider parents like me in recovery, we really need a group of other parents around us who will say when your children are threatening to do what mine threatened, "Stay the course. You are doing a good job. Keep evaluating yourself, but it is right to limit and manage your children's screen use."

Dr. Jill Hubbard: I think more and more parents are doing this, right? We hear it. I mean, even people that we see in the media, you hear that they are limiting their kids' screen time. Especially actually those who are creating the programs because they know.

Brian Perez: What do you think of we've seen other countries like Australia back in December? I mean, they pretty much said if you're under 16, I forget what the limits are. They're not saying you can't be on your phone at all, but I think there's certain you can only do like 90 minutes a day, whatever it is. And other countries are following suit. Some are thinking about it, places like Spain and the UK, France. Do you think it should be legislated, or do you think it should be more of a parental thing?

Dr. Jill Hubbard: Well, I'm not sure how you legislate that without infringing on other rights. So I would have to give that some thought. But I think it should start with the parents because I think we're the first line. We're our kids' first therapists. We're their first attachments. God's given them to us, and so we need to train up a child in the way he should go. I don't think we should hand that all over to someone else to regulate.

Dr. Alice Benton: I think there's good motivation in government regulating what many parents are struggling to regulate themselves. And because we see that there really is a danger, that's not too strong of a word. There's danger once you get to the really five, six, seven hours of entertainment time per day. So I understand it, but I also prefer limited government power to dictate what parents are able to do. So in this one instance, okay, that could be beneficial, but they can start a slippery slope as well of then what other things government dictates that parents can and can't do.

Dr. Jill Hubbard: More like guidelines, right? The Surgeon General's warnings on things, right? Cigarettes can cause cancer or bad for your health. Okay, screen time, this educating people, I think would be good.

Dr. Alice Benton: But I do strongly support stronger regulations within schools of what screens are allowed. We're seeing evidence that the schools that are getting rid of screens, not just the kid's personal cell phones but even using computers in classes, the test scores are going up as they're getting rid of screens.

Dr. Jill Hubbard: The tablets that they would supply to the kids, right? And so your whole day is on a screen. Yeah, not the best.

Brian Perez: What about artificial intelligence? What are your guys' thoughts on that? And not just for when it comes to seeking counsel and therapy, which you should be doing by calling us at 1-800-229-3000, but looking up things online to either self-diagnose whatever it is you're going through or getting advice on mental health issues. What are your thoughts on that?

Dr. Alice Benton: I come from a place of fear-base in this, and so I'm biased in that way, wanting to stay antiquated and worried, nervous about new things like this. But I can see that AI, when used well and when used to supplement skills and knowledge you have, not to do all the work for you, can be incredibly beneficial.

But I think our children who tend more towards laziness and wanting the job done for them, they are vulnerable to overuse and get sneaky about their use of AI in order to have the job done for them, which is what we exactly want to avoid because it creates a brain deficit over time if something else does the thinking for you.

Dr. Jill Hubbard: Yeah, I think too much of a good thing is usually too much. So even best intentions can go wrong with the overuse. So there's all these benefits, but like you, Alice, I get worried about that because now we don't know what to trust. What's real? What's not real? We're also setting standards that are beyond really what a lot of people are capable of. And so the comparison of perfection, I think, just goes up, right? Because everybody is using that to, like you said, to think for them. And so also you can get good information, sure. You can ask therapy questions if you're just looking for an answer, but that isn't therapy. It's not just an answer. It's a relationship, a healing relationship kind of after the example of Jesus came here to show us the way, to heal us. And so you can't replace a face-to-face real relationship.

Brian Perez: Very good. All right. 1-800-229-3000 is the number to call if you want to talk about this topic or any other. We're going to be in the studio for two hours today. 1-800-229-3000. And let's go to Sacramento. Here is Danielle, who's watching us on YouTube. So let's wave hi to Danielle. Thanks so much for calling in today. How are you? How can we help you?

Danielle: Hi. Thank you so much for taking my call. Had a quick question about a conundrum I'm in, possibly in the middle. My husband, I'm 28 weeks pregnant and the baby shower's coming up next month. And I've been going back and forth with my husband about inviting his mom because there's been some conflict and some avoidant things going on ever since she didn't come to our wedding last year.

And what prompted me to call is this last February, my husband and I went to the Intimacy in Marriage in SoCal and we were going through like he's been in individual therapy. There's a lot of enmeshment going on. I'm an avoider, so I avoid, avoid, avoid and then I blow up. And so we were figuring it out and then she didn't show up.

I left messages, voicemails, voice notes. She just, and I know that she was really financially dependent on him. And so when I came into the picture, his focus changed. And we both came into the marriage with young children. He's actually the godfather of my son whose father passed away. So there was already an established relationship there, but it seems once it went permanent, she couldn't handle that.

I tried. I didn't even need an apology for not coming. I just needed to know how I could have handled the situation better or how I can loop her back in. And so I've been trying and like she's reached out like to see only one of our children, but she's reached out to kind of like try to get back in through the grandchildren and I've been like sure. But she's never really addressed us.

And so he's like absolutely not. Like this is the first child we're having together. I don't want her to think that she can have just free rein with no boundary. And he's doing his own work. So I see he's like in the trenches and I'm more like do I just do it as a formality because my mom will be there and he's inviting his sister and other women friends and family? So I just didn't want it to always come back on like we're not going to invite you to things because of this one thing. Like I've already kind of moved past the wedding. It was a year ago. So I don't know what to do. I want to honor him.

Dr. Jill Hubbard: Well, Danielle, yes, I can see where your husband's at and working out his relationship with his mom, but I see you looking at the bigger picture, being able to forgive and looking long term and not wanting to create an unhealthy pattern based on where everyone's at today.

I think it's hard and it doesn't get maybe talked about enough for moms of sons that have to learn to be female number two. You're no longer number one female. And so for a lot of sisters, too, they're now female number three in their brother and son's life. And that's a huge loss for moms. There's a different connection between daughters and sons. One is not better than the other; it's just different.

And so I think maybe even acknowledging that loss for her, Danielle, that you realize it was a shift and that you're now in that spot that she once occupied where he goes to you for everything. And a lot of times a man is just focused on the number one female. And so mom can feel rejected and left behind.

And so I think you letting her know that you see her, you acknowledge her as his mom, that you realize they're working out their relationship, but that you very much long-term want her a part of your world. All you can do is invite people and do right on your side of things.

Dr. Alice Benton: Danielle, I think if I were you, I'd let your husband know again that it doesn't sit right with you not to invite her. But this may not be the event for her to reenter your life, even though that looks so wrong on the surface. And so I would have you both submit this question to God, saying, "God, you change our hearts for whatever your will is here," and consult with his therapist. Have a session, a couple sessions with his therapist to go over it.

Then you might tell your mother-in-law, if your husband can support this, "We do want you to be more involved in our lives, and it's good you're asking to see the grandkids. But we need an adult conversation first about how we're all going about this. Can we meet you for a cup of coffee so that we can talk about it?"

And then think about what signs do you need to see from her to be able to more freely, really for your husband to more freely have her involved. He probably needs an apology, an acknowledgment. But I want to underline what Jill is saying because if your entrance into her life destabilized her life financially, oh that would be so hard to get over even if it was an unhealthy financial dependence.

And probably your husband didn't go about it perfectly because none of us do. And so an apology for, "Hey, I know the way I entered into the family, it really unsettled many things about your life and we want to be listeners to you about it." That will make it more likely that she can access some humility at some point about her part in this. How are you feeling with Jill and my suggestions?

Danielle: I think it's good. I didn't think about like consulting with my husband's therapist and then also just reiterating to her the grieving portion because I think I was in my own level of grief just everyone showed up including his stepmom, so it was like and it was very apparent like that she wasn't there and I remember that feeling of I don't know maybe it's selfish everyone's going to blame me and they don't know that I've reached out and I got over that.

I really talked that out and my husband and I had a New Life counselor together like all of last year after the wedding. And so we worked through my just being feeling embarrassed and vulnerable and raw and exposed to like an insecure about it. But I think I did mention recently, I said, "Why don't we just say, hey, let's talk because we want you involved in all of our kids' lives first and foremost." Like she's a great grandma. So it was just like we want you involved and I don't want there to be an imbalance because my parents are highly involved in my son's life too and they take on my stepdaughter like they're own and I'm like I desire that, but I don't want to put that on the table yet. I just want to be like hey, adult to adult. We see you. We know it was hard.

Dr. Jill Hubbard: You have a really good heart in this. And just not outpacing your husband I think will be important. But I actually have more empathy for your mother-in-law. There's a stepmom involved. She lost access to her other daughter-in-law, I assume, and probably other losses previously. So hold some compassion that this woman's been hurt a lot.

Brian Perez: Danielle, thank you so much for calling in to New Life LIVE. I don't know if Jill or Alice have any more or you might have something else to say to us too, but we've got more calls coming up too like Colleen. 1-800-229-3000 for you to call in today right now.

Guest (Male): To find out more information about New Life or to order any of the resources mentioned on today's program, call 1-800-NEW-LIFE. Now back to New Life LIVE.

Brian Perez: If you've heard us talk about our upcoming webinar to help men and women who've experienced any kind of betrayal and have been meaning to check it out, well, we're making it really easy for you. Just text the word webinar to 28950 and you'll receive a link with information about the From Pain to Peace: Healing After Betrayal webinar as well as a free tip sheet on dealing with betrayal.

Again, text the word webinar to 28950. This is happening on February 26th. That's a Thursday evening at 7:00 Central time. Again, text the word webinar to 28950 or come to NewLife.com. 1-800-229-3000 is the number to reach us in the studio today. We're going to be here for the rest of this hour and all of next.

And we're going to talk to Colleen, who called in to 1-800-229-3000 from Frederick, Maryland, listening on WAVA. Welcome, Colleen, to New Life LIVE.

Colleen: Oh, thank you so much for inviting me on. Yes, thank you.

Brian Perez: You're welcome. How can we help you?

Colleen: Well, I want to know how to regain hope. I've been through some experiences since October that have put a dent in some of my belief systems. Like it says in Jeremiah 29, it says, "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans for hope and a future."

And I'm 77. On October 25th, I went to turn on the heat in the place that I live in, the apartment I live in, the senior apartment, and I couldn't get out of bed. I couldn't put my weight on either leg because of medical reasons. And I had to call paramedics at I waited a few hours and called the paramedics to come and take me to the hospital.

After several days in the hospital, I was sent to convalescent rehab. And it was a very nice one, but I felt that they could do certain medicines a little bit better. So then I got home just around Thanksgiving for a couple of days and then unfortunately, I fell backwards and broke my fall with my wrist and broke my wrist.

Then I went through the same procedure, seven days in the hospital and then back to a rehab. But this time, I chose a rehab that I didn't know anything about and it was a very big mistake. It was a horror show. And I can't believe that it still exists. It seems like an institution from the early 1900s.

And I just want and I had nightmares when I came out. I couldn't sleep at night. Still, it's been over a month that I haven't been able to sleep through the night. And what I want to know is how to regain my hope for a future. How do I regain the hope? My dreams were dashed apart a long time ago, and I can't I won't be able to retain them in my lifetime.

All they were for as for a family, and I didn't get that. And I replaced it with careers and things like that. But now I can't do the careers, and I haven't been able to do it for a while because I have several infirmities. How to regain that hope? I know heaven's in the future, but how do I convince myself that this is how do I deal with this?

Brian Perez: Thank you so much for calling in today, Colleen. Our hearts go out to you and everyone listening is going to be praying for you. But what kind of practical advice would you give to Colleen, Jill? We'll start with you.

Dr. Jill Hubbard: Well, Colleen, thank you for calling and bless you. I mean, this is a lot that you've been through. And I think we all take our good health for granted. And as it starts to be chipped away at, it's quite scary for people. You're saying that you wanted a family. So just let me ask you, does that mean you've not married, you've not had children? Is that the type of family you were wanting?

Colleen: That's right. Because when I replaced career, yes, even though people think I'm perky, I'm prone to depression. And since I wasn't getting it through a regular avenue, my fulfillment, I went into careers during my 20s and 30s and I've done several different things fairly well. But now I can't do them. My memory is beginning to fail, my body is failing, and so how do I put life back together again?

Dr. Jill Hubbard: Well, it sounds like your careers were your community. And I'm wondering if you had any community outside of career because when you don't have spouse, kids, that kind of thing, and other, your family of origin maybe is passed, we need to create a family of friends, a Christian church community or close friends. Because even those who do marry and have kids, kids move on and start their own families and later in life, spouses pass. And so people come back together, and there are lots of single people that need companionship. And so I'm wondering what you've done to create that.

Colleen: Over the years, I've had 10 or 12 people who know my life intimately through my experiences and I've confided in and they've confided in me. I was a deacon in my church in New Jersey and I was also the person who did the senior programs. I also ran a bookstore in the fellowship hall of my church, and I was very involved and had a lot of friends. I moved to Maryland, I started a network of friends again, but I still had my old friends. But they're passing away too.

Brian Perez: We've got to take a break. We'll be back to you, Colleen, and everyone else that's on the line. We'll talk to you as well and everyone else who wants to call in. We've got some open lines at 1-800-229-3000.

Guest (Male): Today's podcast is brought to you by Club New Life supporters who give a monthly donation because they want to continue to offer help and hope in these very, very difficult places. To find out more about Club New Life, you can go to our website, NewLife.com, or call 1-800-NEW-LIFE. Now, if you're new to us, we drop an episode every weekday. We would love it if you would rate or write a review, which helps more people discover help and hope and helps us share wisdom with as many people as possible. Now let's listen to our counselors as they help people walk through life's hardest places.

To find out more information about New Life or to order any of the resources mentioned on today's program, call 1-800-NEW-LIFE. Now back to New Life LIVE.

Brian Perez: And let's go back to Colleen, who called in to 1-800-229-3000. What else would you guys want to say to her? Alice?

Dr. Alice Benton: Colleen, we all carry around two emotional buckets. And your bucket is filled with tears and pain and it's sloshing all over the place and it's eating away at your hope. The other bucket we carry is a comfort bucket. And that one needs to be continually filled up. And you've done such a good job working to keep good people in your life because that's where we get the healthiest comfort.

Even because we don't get to hear God's voice and it's tough to feel comforted by God despite your strong faith, he wants us to turn to people. And so as they're passing away and all the established relationships are just not as available to you as they used to be, we do ask and plead and encourage you to keep fighting to find more good people to take their place because you absolutely need that.

When we get the comfort bucket filled up, it helps to clean out the tears and pain bucket, but the two go hand in hand. I once worked with an 83-year-old woman who came to one of our New Life intensives. She said, "I'm not done yet. I need new people in my life," and she showed up and she made new friendships and it revived her and it filled up her comfort bucket.

I would also say that there are some simple, they sound simplistic, but research shows them to be powerful, that when you are isolated and it's a struggle to bring new people into your life, consider a pet and consider a plant. Studies that have been done of people that especially are stuck physically and are having a plant to take care of or a pet to take care of, a pet is wonderful. This is still too low level, but it's something and it's better than nothing until you are able to rebuild relationships.

We also hear what sounds like a clinical level of episodic depression in your life. And so having a medication evaluation, talking with a psychiatrist or with your PCP if you're already on meds, they may need to be increased and adjusted.

Dr. Jill Hubbard: Well, and you have perhaps some new limitations. And so we have to often in new stages of life shift our thinking. Okay, I used to be able to do that. I can't do that. So instead of focusing on that, what can I still do and what are the ways to reach out?

I was sharing that I have a couple of older friends that I'm realizing a lot of their close friends have passed. And so they've reached out to me to continue relationship because they're about 15 years older than me. And I love them. I love that they've continued to reach out and it meets a need for them and I love their friendship. So don't be afraid to think about the people in your life that maybe you haven't been quite as close to, but for this next stage, you might draw them in. Colleen, what do you think?

Colleen: Well, my cat is sleeping in my Bible right now. And I do need a plant for the long term. But I've been hibernating too much since the last two have passed. And I know I need to get out more, but I don't know how to go about that because I don't drive anymore. I had a stroke and I stopped driving.

But I'm thinking to myself, I coordinate the worship services at my building and I thought that maybe there is something I want to do. I want to be a chaplain at the local hospital and they've invited me to do so. The only thing is I can't traverse the big hospital. I need to get a scooter that has a battery long enough and I don't know how I'm going to do that. But I'm thinking that maybe this is some avenue that can give me a hope and a future.

Dr. Alice Benton: I love those ideas. Colleen, you may get knocked down, but the world can't hold you down for long. All these dreams you have, you are an inspiration. Yes. But I also believe, Colleen, that you're probably more of a giver than a taker. And so you being the needy one to say, "I'm lonely, I need comfort, I need a listening ear," I don't think it comes naturally to you, but it will be a blessing to some of those people you've given and given to for you to let yourself be the needy one in a healthy way for a little while. And you might ask the hospital where you want to serve if they have access to a vehicle like that to use while you're there.

Brian Perez: Colleen, thank you so much for calling in today to New Life LIVE, and there's a couple of articles that you or anyone might want to read on our website, NewLife.com. One is called 31 Affirmations to Take Your Life Back and What to Do When You Feel Disconnected from God. So check those out at NewLife.com.

1-800-229-3000 is the number to talk to us in the studio today. And guys, you hear us talk all the time about the Every Man's Battle weekend workshop. Well, check this out. One day soon, we're going to offer a one-day online workshop, and that one day is February 28th. It's a 12-hour day that includes six teaching sessions and five small group process sessions facilitated by a credentialed New Life Network counselor.

You can get all the details about this rare offering from New Life at NewLife.com/EMB, as in Every Man's Battle. And we're doing an EB discount, Early Bird discount, for this, but you'd better hurry because we can only offer it until February 13th.

A couple of the men that I have gotten the honor to talk to who went through Every Man's Battle were able to give their wives a sobriety update saying again, "I'm clean. I've stayed clean. I haven't had a relapse." And it's because of what they learned in Every Man's Battle and it's because of staying in sustained victory groups afterwards. If you can't tell your wife that honestly, "I'm sober, I've been sexually clean and sober," let us help you get there.

Dr. Alice Benton: Yes indeed. You can call us at 1-800-NEW-LIFE or go to NewLife.com/EMB. Let's go to Los Angeles and talk to Missy, who listens to us on KKLA. Hello there. Welcome to New Life LIVE.

Missy: Hi. Thank you for taking my call. My question is how else can we get help since we're not able to attend a marriage intensive workshop for my marriage with me and my husband?

Dr. Alice Benton: Would you tell us, Missy, about some of the struggles you're experiencing in your marriage?

Missy: It heavily has to do with connection because there's just so much disconnect. Although we love each other, we are always there for one another, but when it comes to that deep intimacy connection, it's lacking, you know, as well as the emotional one and physical one as well.

Brian Perez: How long have you guys been married?

Missy: It's been over 20 years.

Dr. Alice Benton: And Missy, have there been any major tears in the relationship through things like infidelity, substance use, lying?

Missy: Substance use, no. Infidelity, not on my part and I'm sure not on his part, but I can't vouch that for 100%. But I've known him to be very faithful to me. And yeah.

Dr. Alice Benton: And is this a change that you used to be better connected when you were dating and early married and then the connection drifted away, drifted apart?

Missy: Yes. In early marriage, yeah, we were very well connected. I think it was right after our second child. Early then, that's when the disconnect started and mostly it's from my part, I would say. I'm not putting it all on him. It's mainly me. It was like I didn't want to connect with my I just kind of like stand-offish if I would say that.

Dr. Alice Benton: Did parenting become overwhelming to you or how do you understand that you pulled away from your husband?

Missy: I think the parenting was overwhelming, especially after the second one. It was overwhelming. And everything just kind of become a dead still, the intimacy, the physical part that is, you know, the feeling was no longer there and it just kind of like started gradually like that and progressed.

Brian Perez: Were there any more children after the second one?

Missy: No, it was just those two.

Dr. Alice Benton: And are they now grown and getting close to launching into college or leaving the house?

Missy: One of them is getting close to being graduated and the other one is still in grade school.

Dr. Alice Benton: What you're describing is so common that parenting, motherhood, just takes all of our time and energy and sexual intimacy, letting somebody else touch us after our children are touching us all day long. For so many mothers, it's very, very common and we want to give you hope that there is absolutely a way back. We've some very specific things we can recommend for you.

Brian Perez: Yes, so don't hang up. Stay on the phone. We'll talk to you in just a little bit here on New Life LIVE. And everyone else who's calling in, if you're already on hold, stay on hold because if we don't get to you this hour, we'll definitely get to you next hour and we'll keep the phone lines open. 1-800-229-3000 is the number to call to speak with Jill and Alice today.

Guest (Male): To find out more information about New Life or to order any of the resources mentioned on today's program, call 1-800-NEW-LIFE. Now back to New Life LIVE.

Brian Perez: And let's go back to Missy in Los Angeles. Thanks for holding through the break, Missy.

Missy: Yes.

Dr. Jill Hubbard: Missy, thank you for calling and I am so glad to hear, though, that you and your husband really do love each other, that there was a lot there in the beginning. It sounds like your children were far apart or are far apart in age if one is almost launching and the other is in grade school.

And I know having been an older mom, and I don't know how old you are, but the second child can be really exhausting because you just don't have the same energy that you once had. And in motherhood, we get into this, certainly in the beginning, this maternal preoccupation. And a lot of men get their feelings hurt because they're left out. It's mom and baby and we're just consumed.

And so if they interpret that as kind of even a minor rejection, a lot of times there might be the subtle pulling away. Also, you're so invested in this child and it is overwhelming because now you've got children at two different stages of life, which can be very challenging. And at the end of the day, as you guys were saying earlier, there isn't a lot left over.

So I think it's really important to acknowledge, to talk about how you felt after birth of second child and to ask your husband how he felt and if how has it felt to him to maybe not be the object of your attention and affection and to take be taking a backseat to the kids. And has he felt pushed away by you? And to just hear him out and acknowledge that and even apologize for that and that you wished you guys had talked sooner because things start, distance starts and then the wedge just gets bigger and bigger and then people don't know like, how did we get here? How, when we love each other, how did we get so far apart?

So it does take effort to come back. But first you have to kind of name the problem, right? And then you have to make an effort to spend time together again, to rekindle because it's easy to get into patterns and as they say to lose that loving feeling.

And so what did you used to do before you had kids? Or before you got so overwhelmed. This is why people have a date night. You need a date night and even if it just feels like in the beginning you're just going through the motions, you need to start letting him know. When he's at work, you text him. Text him that you love him, that you're thinking about him. Because especially for us women, the love feelings get stirred up emotionally first, long before we're willing to give ourselves to someone. And so that little contact throughout the day, that increases that. "Oh, okay, I'm important to her," or, "I'm important to him."

And so you start with very little things that don't take a lot of effort. Now it may make you feel vulnerable, it's like, "Okay, do I really want that? I'm kind of comfortable over here with just the kids and I don't have to worry about anything." I think you're seeing that you don't just tread water and stay in the same place. You're either moving towards each other and moving forward together, or you're sliding backwards. And so it's much better to take those little steps to move towards each other.

Brian Perez: I'm thinking, too, that first text message that he gets from her, "I love you, I'm thinking about you," might throw him off guard and he might be like, "Wait, is this my wife? Who is this?" Right. Or a note in their lunch, or something in the bathroom. Just different unexpected places like get playful again. Make it a little bit fun. Just don't put the note in the sandwich because he may not notice it.

Dr. Alice Benton: Missy, as you said you can't attend Intimacy in Marriage intensive. We can connect you with a good couple's counselor. A lot of our counselors who work that intensive actually are also available to see clients. And so it's like you get your own mini version of the weekend, especially as our clinicians are well-versed in the "How We Love" book by Milan and Kay Yerkovich, which is what we base the marriage intensive off of.

So you can find that book on our New Life LIVE website and purchase it. That book contains the comfort circle, which we find to be one of the most powerful ways to start opening up emotional conversations again in a safe structured way with a really specific guide.

And lastly, as maybe there's been very little physical intimacy, one of the ways to get comfortable again is to start giving each other massages with a like your hand or your foot only where an area where you feel safe being touched. You just start off slowly that way but gradually increase so that your avail your physical availability and your willingness increases over time. And our therapists can also help walk you through how to start slow and increase.

Dr. Jill Hubbard: You may even have to start with just even minor touching. You walk by and you just touch him on the arm. Just start being more a little bit more touchy. It can be very subtle, but I guarantee he'll notice.

Brian Perez: What do you think, Missy?

Missy: That sounds like a great idea. Thank you. And I do have the book "How We Love". I bought that a while back.

Dr. Jill Hubbard: Good. And maybe at some point the two of you could read it together and talk about it. There's also a workbook portion I think that's built into the latest copy.

Brian Perez: So what's keeping you from going to the Intimacy in Marriage intensive? That's a great question, Brian.

Missy: One, we couldn't afford it. And although there has been on two occasions one of the New Life Ministry member have been trying to help us get scholarships on the last time and even with this one coming over here which is very close to us. Exactly, but now it turns out that due to schedule-wise, he's not able to go and I was so looking forward to go because it's like right here in our backyard. So and but due to his work schedule, he's not able to attend because they were willing to help us go through the process of getting a scholarship.

Brian Perez: Yeah, we do have those scholarships available for anyone who thinks, the finances, you know, they can't afford to go or whatever it is, especially this one in your backyard. But we have them throughout the year.

Dr. Jill Hubbard: So, Missy, a year is a long time away, but every Valentine's weekend, we have it in Orange County. So you could start saving now and planning and ask for the time off work for him. Yeah, if you ask for the time off ahead of time. Not that's not when you need to start working on things, but you will be in a different spot by then and it'll just even launch you further.

Brian Perez: Yeah, but we do them throughout the year, too. So go out to Dallas or Washington or wherever else we might have another one. Look it up at NewLife.com to get all the details.

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