New Life LIVE

Guest (Male): Welcome to the New Life Live podcast. We hope to provide help and hope in your life through God's Word, counselors, and psychologists as we answer questions from listeners who call with the challenges of life. Let's go to today's episode.

Brian Perez: Hello and thanks for joining us today on New Life Live. Brian Perez is my name, and if you feel like you've tried everything and nothing seems to help, call us for a plan to help you move forward. There's always something you can do, always. And it starts when you call 1-800-229-3000.

We're going to be in the studio for two hours today. Today is the day to get your life back on track. Answering your questions today, we've got clinical psychologist Dr. Jill Hubbard and licensed marriage and family therapist JJ West, who's got something on his heart that he'd like to share. Hey, JJ.

JJ West: Well, good morning to the West Coast and good afternoon to the East Coast, and happy day to everyone in between. What's on my mind? Well, I've been dealing with some disappointment. We all go through disappointment. We all face things that we don't like.

I recently got an email from a listener to the podcast that was very critical. Unfortunately, the criticism was actually odd because it was last week's episode where there was a point in the episode where the guest host, Joe, was telling some of his story, and me and Doug both started laughing.

We were laughing specifically at the silliness of the way so many of us as addicts approach our addiction, but specifically the silly, illogical ways that we try to explain it away, how we try to make it make sense to other people or minimize its impact. I even paused the podcast and said we're laughing here not at the impact that this has on those that we've hurt, not minimizing the pain, but specifically laughing at the foolishness that so many of us have engaged in.

Even though I paused to do that, it still caused at least this listener to think that we were laughing at the pain that she or other women who've been impacted by sexual addiction behavior have felt. I hate the fact that that message got convoluted in some way, got confused in some way, but it always hurts to hear criticism. It always hurts to know that you didn't measure up in some way.

Those of us who struggle with avoidant attachment style, as well as those of us who might have some avoidant personality disorder traits, negative feedback is a huge trigger. We have to be very careful. That's what I've been spending the majority of yesterday and today trying to go through the mental exercise of paying attention to how that trigger might be tempting me to go into old behavior. If that's where you are today, we would invite you to call in.

Brian Perez: For sure. 1-800-229-3000 is our number. Thank you, JJ West, for your opening remarks and for being candid. Even constructive criticism can sometimes get us thinking we're not good enough or not smart enough. We want to help you through that.

Give us a call. 1-800-229-3000 is our number. We're going to be here for two hours today. If you can't call right this second, call this second. We'll be right back.

To find out more information about New Life or to order any of the resources mentioned on today's program, call 1-800-NEW-LIFE. Now back to New Life Live.

Yes, we are back to New Life Live. The number to call us is 1-800-229-3000. By the way, we have three online faith-based, counselor-led New Life courses beginning the first week of May: Lose It for Life, Healing is a Choice, and Take Your Life Back.

These are 12-week courses that meet over Zoom for an hour each week. You'll experience small group community for encouragement, connection, and accountability. You can get all the details at NewLife.com. Let's go to the phones now. 1-800-229-3000 is the number to call. Let's go to Isaac, who listens to New Life Live on a podcast in Los Angeles. Hi there, Isaac. Thank you for calling in today to New Life Live.

Isaac: Hello.

Brian Perez: Hi. What's going on? How can we help you?

Isaac: I'm calling in because my question is what do I do about all these very painful things and confusing things that I'm going through, which is quite a few things?

Brian Perez: Okay, like what?

Isaac: I was married and my wife, I believe she's bipolar, and she would have these raging fits where she would scream and holler at me. One day we were not arguing or anything, and she was cleaning her gun. She playfully pointed the gun at me, and the Holy Spirit told me to get out of that house as soon as possible.

We talked on the phone after I moved out, and we tried to get back together, but she would have these raging fits. I am just confused about life because I haven't seen my family for 32 years. My best friend died, then another friend died. I have a one-man play called Heaven Can't Wait No More, which you can see partially on YouTube.

I have a piano player in the play that is very unique and people really love it, but I haven't done that in quite a while. I want to get married again, and I'm just very lonely and confused. I have some counseling, but I don't believe in EMDR. I think it's demonic. And I love the Lord.

JJ West: Isaac, I'm sorry that you are facing so many difficulties at the same time. So much loss, and like you said, there's also this loneliness. I feel like I am just in this all by myself, and you can hear it in your voice. I'm so sorry that you're facing all of these losses, all of this pain simultaneously. That's a lot to carry.

I say this a lot, so forgive me for repeating myself, but oftentimes when we are that heavily burdened, it's important that we have a support network around us. I think about the paralytic in the book of Mark, which actually was repeated in all the synoptic gospels, but in the story where the friends are trying to get him to Jesus, the crowd is too thick, they climb up on the roof, they dig the hole, they lower him down.

The paralytic couldn't get to Jesus on his own. He needed his friends. It's interesting because it said that Jesus saw their faith, not his faith, but their faith, and then said to the paralytic, "Get up."

It's important in situations like this where we feel so overwhelmed, so burdened by the pain and disappointments of life, that we have people we can rely on that carry us to Jesus. That can come from a small group in our church, from close friends who walk with us who know the Lord, or from New Life groups all over the country. There has to be that sense of community with people who know me well enough to know what my struggles are, what I'm going through, and what I need from the Lord. Isaac, do you have that kind of community?

Isaac: I was going to a small group, but after the pandemic they quit having it. I had a group of friends that were really in my corner. They even surprised me and took me out on my birthday, but then they got put out of their house so now they're going from hotel to hotel and I never hear from them again.

My best friend died, and his wife won't even speak to me now because I suggested to her that she forgive her mother-in-law for screaming at her for saying, "You cremated my son." In the building I live in, it's a senior citizen building and they are beginning to have activities here, but I think most of the people in the building are not saved. My family lives in Chicago and Indiana and I'm always alone.

Brian Perez: Did you say most of the people in the building are not saved? Is that what you said, Isaac? Or safe?

Isaac: Not saved. One young lady drank herself to death and she died in the building and we all came together. One lady just said, "Somebody pray," and I prayed and led many people to the Lord, but they still go their own way. We have a Bible study here, but I don't think they've had that Bible study lately.

Jill Hubbard: Wow, Isaac. I agree with JJ, it's been a long road for you with a lot of ups and downs to say the least. But I did hear in what you were sharing that you are a creative person and that you have done a play, you said, and you play the piano. So one of the things about—

Isaac: No, I don't play the piano. I had a piano player and he moved to Michigan.

Jill Hubbard: Okay, so you created a one-man play.

Isaac: Yes, you can see it on YouTube. Heaven Can't Wait No More.

Jill Hubbard: I love it. Well, one thing I know about creative types is that often they tend to lean more into their feelings. So coupled with so many things that have happened, when you lean more into your feelings or are run more by feelings, that can play into things being so disheartening. When you are down, it's hard to create and it's hard to move forward.

I think what JJ was prescribing to you is that connection is the best form of medication. Take inventory. You've had so many losses and it's tragic. Your best friend dying and people getting mad at each other and the people around you and everyone is struggling. This is the human plight, isn't it?

In the midst of all of that, we can't always rely on our circumstances to lift us out. We can't rely on how we feel all the time because our feelings don't always guide us in the right direction. So again, back to the Lord and finding connection amongst the imperfect.

The situation isn't good, so instead of focusing on what is lost and what we don't have—certainly we grieve—but we also have to lean into what I can do with what I do have. Where can I go with what is available?

I think you're in that crux of mourning and grieving over what is lost and where you're at in life now. But life is not over and we're supposed to keep growing and working until the day we die. What is the next thing in front of you? Each day, what's the next right thing for you to do to better your life? Start small. Start just looking at that next thing instead of, "Oh, it's so bad and there's so much loss, I'm undone." Yes, that's how you feel and your feelings they do have validity, but you've got to take some action steps in the midst of this.

Brian Perez: For sure. We've got a couple of tip sheets that we're going to make available to anybody who calls us at 1-800-NEW-LIFE. There's one called Ten Tips for Healthy Grieving, 12 Steps to Recovery from Grief, and Isaac, we'll send those to you as well.

We're also going to send you a registration for a grief webinar that we're going to be doing this summer. Stay on the line and we'll send that to you. Everyone else can find out about that at NewLife.com. And now we're going to go to Stephanie in Texas, who listens to us on KWRD. Welcome to New Life Live, Stephanie. Thanks for calling 1-800-229-3000.

Stephanie: Yes, thanks for having me.

Brian Perez: Yeah, how can we help you?

Stephanie: So I have been married for almost 14 years now and through my marriage there's been a lot of infidelity and sexual addiction on my husband's side with both males and females. Every time it's been caught, I know obviously all of my family would tell me to leave. I've kept it to myself in the marriage and I've forgiven each time, but it almost turned into permission is how it felt.

The last time I did catch it, I did let him know at this point I don't feel healthy to continue being with you as far as diseases go. So you either have to stop or I'm going to have no choice but to leave because I don't want something.

I married my husband right out of high school. I prayed about it and I stayed myself for that and I really expected it to turn out a little better. At this point I almost don't care. So now I'm struggling with myself. Did I really forgive him if I don't care at this point? But I feel like my options are to be angry, to be crying, or to not care. When I choose to not care it's easiest in the moment, but I feel my heart harden when I do that and I don't like that aspect of it even though it makes the moment easier. I just don't really know what to do.

Jill Hubbard: Well, it's understandable, these options. The not caring, Stephanie, is a protection. It sounds like you thought that your forgiveness would move his heart, would change him. The forgiveness was for you and it also allowed you to not leave and disrupt, and I think you were holding out this hope. If you saved yourself for marriage and married him right out of high school, there was a lot of hope in this guy and in this marriage.

All of those idyllic dreams have come crashing down to the point now where Humpty Dumpty keeps falling and you can't glue him back together again. Coming to the end of what you can do is a really hard thing to face, but it's also an important place to get to.

I know JJ has a lot to say on this topic, but it means that surrender—see the not caring as a protection and it's not a permanent state. But you've had to get to a place where you're willing to do something harder. Stephanie, stay on the phone because we're going to continue speaking with you here on New Life Live. 1-800-229-3000 is our number.

To find out more information about New Life or to order any of the resources mentioned on today's program, call 1-800-NEW-LIFE. Now back to New Life Live.

We're going to help so many of you today here on New Life Live, but you've got to call us at 1-800-229-3000. We're going to be here for the rest of this hour and all of next. Right now we're speaking with Stephanie. You still with us, Stephanie?

Stephanie: Yes.

Jill Hubbard: Stephanie, it means some hard things. You tried the forgiveness route, and forgiveness is not a wrong route to go. But as I said before, sometimes we want to move to forgiveness in the hopes that their heart will soften and they'll change and that we won't have to disrupt our whole lives. But this has not happened and I suspect he, even if he wants to stop, it sounds like he's unable to. Without any intervention or any form of treatment—and has he done anything to try to get help?

Stephanie: So he won't really, which he ever is a Christian. A lot of the time we had a pretty good heart-to-heart. He said he was embarrassed to tell me and I told him at this point what don't I know, let's just hash it out.

He said he found pornography at a very young age and things just escalated from there to where obviously you just have to have more and more. He said that now he even does things that he never in a million years would have or doesn't even find attractive except for in the heat of the moment.

I told him that he doesn't go to church with me. He's angry at churches and thinks they're all hypocrites and I was like, well, we are. And so is he. But I did tell him because I've never told anyone other than anonymous, and I told him that's hard for me too because I feel very alone in my life. And I said you need to give this to God. He's like, well, I don't want to be judged by people in the church.

Jill Hubbard: He's using all of the excuses to backtrack because of his shame. Part of what fuels this is the isolation and the inadequate feelings he has about himself. This starting at a young age, this is an addiction. So if this were drugs or alcohol, which in addiction always escalates to a place that people thought they would never go because you keep chasing the original high for the same effect to drown out those shameful feelings that just perpetuates itself. Think about this like a drug addiction. If he was on meth or heroin, what would you be doing at this point?

JJ West: Stephanie, I'm so glad that you called in. What Jill said is right, that shutting down is that defense mechanism to protect you because you keep getting hurt. You keep getting harmed in the same way over and over and over. So there does need to be change. There needs to be change on his part.

Yes, there are plenty of churches out there where he might experience judgment, criticism, a lack of grace. There's also plenty of churches out there where he would experience grace and love and acceptance. I don't know what church you're near, what he might experience, but I can tell you this.

If he goes to the next Every Man's Battle—whether the one in DC this month or in June we'll be in Dallas—if he goes to Every Man's Battle, I know for a fact that he will experience a no-shame zone because we take great pains to make sure that no matter what your story is, no matter how much brokenness there is, how much harm you've caused, you are not shamed in that environment.

You are safe to tell your whole story because that's really the only way we can experience freedom. I can't experience being loved, I can't experience being accepted if there's still stuff about me that you don't know. To be known is to be loved and to be loved is to be known. So if I'm still keeping secrets, if I'm still hiding, then I will still believe whatever level of acceptance or love you show me is conditional based on what I've shown you.

Jill Hubbard: And that shame, JJ—I mean, I understand why he doesn't want to go and take it to the church because then that's people that you show up with every week on Sundays. He's projecting his shame and his lack of self-acceptance onto other people.

One of the things about Every Man's Battle is he will know no one there. So it is separate from his life. I think that's important when someone like this with such a long history so deep-seated, to have a separate place where he can first reveal it to others. That's part of the healing, is we have to bring our shame into relationship and then we see the reaction of others, which is what we fear, and experience, JJ, like you were saying, the love and acceptance like he's never experienced before. That someone can come alongside us and say, "I see what you've done. Yes, it's broken. Yes, it hurt others. And I love you."

Brian Perez: Stephanie, thanks for calling in to New Life Live today. We've got some resources that we want to tell you about, not just you but everyone else listening who might be going through something similar. Maybe you're the one who is like Stephanie's husband and you're the one that's been doing who knows what and you just heard what Jill and JJ said and you're realizing that you need to get help. Stay with us, we'll be right back here on New Life Live. 1-800-229-3000.

Hello, it's Becky Brown. I am so excited to launch our 99 For The 1 partner initiative. Every day we hear from people all over the world who are looking for hope. They've been lost in a relationship struggle, addiction, anxiety, depression, all kinds of ways.

It reminds us of the story in Luke 15 where the shepherd leaves the 99 to go rescue the one. We've seen God work in the lives of so many people over the years here at New Life, and we want to invite you to be part of what God is doing. 99 For The 1 is our partner program that you can give to the ministry on a monthly basis to make sure that we continue to reach out to the lost. Call 1-800-NEW-LIFE, 1-800-639-5433, or NewLife.com/99for1.

To find out more information about New Life or to order any of the resources mentioned on today's program, call 1-800-NEW-LIFE. Now back to New Life Live.

We often think of cigarettes and alcohol as gateways to harder habit-forming substances, but the same can be said of porn use, can't it, JJ? What started as just looking at one video to escape often becomes a cycle that willpower alone can't break, right? JJ's not there. Well, Jill, would you agree with what I just said?

Jill Hubbard: Yes, I would agree with that. But my mind was actually on what I wanted to reference for our last caller. Even though your statement was wonderful, I think it's important to mention Every Man's Battle book and Worthy of Her Trust. I think are two important resources that you and your husband both can start with in reviewing the material. We also wanted to mention Restore.

Brian Perez: Yeah, so much at our website, NewLife.com. If you go to the store there, you'll see the Every Man's Battle book as well as the Worthy of Her Trust book. But we've got a few workshops coming up. One of them is just later this month, the weekend of April 24th in Washington DC. Like JJ mentioned earlier, it's called Every Man's Battle.

We really hope that your husband goes there. Like we said earlier, it's going to be a room of people that he does not know, so the whole thing about feeling shame from people he sees at church every week, it's not going to be the case this time.

The path to freedom begins when we bring our struggles into the light and trust God to heal what we cannot fix on our own. So join us at this transformative weekend and you'll be with other men who understand the fight and that want to break the isolation that fuels destructive patterns and discover genuine freedom.

You can get all the details at NewLife.com. And if your husband, Stephanie, or any guy listening right now registers by this Friday, you'll get an early bird discount.

We've also got a workshop for women that's coming up later this year in November. It's called Restore: Healing After Betrayal. After what she said, almost 14 years of marriage and that this has happened multiple times—it's not just a one-time thing and it's happened with her husband's been with men and women—so you definitely feel that betrayal and that's why you should join us at Restore. That's happening in November and you can find out about that too at NewLife.com. JJ, have you connected with us yet?

JJ West: I'm here. I can hear you, but I've lost camera. I'm trying to get it back, so I apologize. But I can hear.

Brian Perez: All right, well that's good. We're halfway there. 1-800-229-3000 is the number to call us and let's talk to Brian in Washington DC. Says here that this is Brian's first time listening to New Life Live. We are so grateful that you called in today, Brian. How can we help you?

Brian: Well, sir, thank you all for being there. I happened to run into you all yesterday on the radio and I have a lot of sadness that I can't seem to get over and regret for not getting married in 1978. I'm 75 now, never been married. 1978, my girlfriend left me and I just thought I'd be able to run into somebody else from then and I never have.

I've been doing everything I can to try to meet somebody, I've been talking to four therapists and they give me suggestions. I do everything that they say, I go to church all the time, keep myself busy with events, but I can never meet anyone. I just don't understand it. I have a lot of sadness because of it and if I could just feel like if I could just meet somebody and start new, I'd be back to my regular self. I'm kind of at the end of my rope. You got any suggestions?

Jill Hubbard: How are your friendships, Brian?

Brian: A lot of my friends died. I basically only have maybe a couple left. My brother doesn't want anything to do with me. He says he doesn't understand me and so I said okay, no problem. But yeah, I only have a couple friends. Thank you.

Jill Hubbard: Well, I'm sorry, and that is the stage of life where people start losing people who have really known them. One thing that's often helpful is to get feedback from people who know you. What do they see? And you've probably done that, and in most of these suggestions if you've been to four therapists, you may have done that.

Often what works best is being involved in some sort of activity where there are women, a group or an activity, something at church where you're helping others. You need repeated exposure over time so people need to know that you're showing up, you're dependable, you're there and you strike up friendships.

Make the goal friendship first and foremost, because if you come across in any way desperate or just trying to find a woman, that might push people away. A lot of women later in life, I know they say to me, "I just want someone to go to the movies with. I just want someone to hang out with. I don't want—" They're thinking they just want companionship. I have to gently tell them, well, most men want a little more than that and would like to move the relationship along at certain points. But it is a good place to start is being friends with people. You have a need for more friends.

Brian: I do understand that and I've been going to event after event after event and still haven't come up with any connection, but I'll just keep doing it. I understand what you're saying.

JJ West: Brian, being in a men's group is really helpful as well because getting that feedback from other men and practicing intimacy. If it's a good men's group, it will allow you to spend some time practicing intimacy so that you then take that out to your everyday life and you're able to take it out into some of these hopefully new friendships that are starting to form.

I agree with Jill, it's important that we are spending time doing activities that we enjoy that hopefully are group activities that involve other people. So I've already got a natural connection. Maybe you love kayaking and so you find a local group that does group kayaks or run or whatever, but you find activities that you enjoy, you go and do those activities and then you naturally build friendships with the people who also like the same things that you like. But in a good men's group, it allows you to practice intimacy in a safe, non-threatening environment.

Jill Hubbard: In the men's group too, because you've lost so many friends, you are needing new friends and so I would cultivate all ages, younger friends as well. Then after a period of time, ask for feedback, share this struggle.

Another area, Brian, that often people don't think of is that people that are older that would be typically grandparent age do really well with younger people, like high schoolers. They're always needing volunteers and that would be something that while you're not going to find a woman to date there, that is something that can be very enlivening. If you're sad all the time and if you're giving off a sadness, that's not going to be attractive either. But if you glean some of that youthful energy and feel valued in helping young people, that could impact the way you come across. So that's another idea.

Brian Perez: Yeah, I would say too when you go to this—if you find a men's group—you're just there to make friends. You're not going to necessarily walk in day one and say, "Hey guys, help me find a wife," or anything like that. But as you get to know these guys, I'm thinking one of them might even say, "You know what? I have a sister." We're not guaranteeing that's going to happen of course, but it could.

Brian, thank you so much for calling in today to New Life Live and for listening, a new listener. Make sure you tell everyone you know about us and listen every day. We're here, we have a website, NewLife.com, we've got an app, so much going on on our website. You can check it out, bookmark it, check back often, sign up for our daily newsletter, our daily devotional, lots of great information that you'll get from us on New Life. And of course listen to us every day here on the show and check out our podcast if you miss a day.

We are going to take a quick break and then we'll be back with more of your phone calls at 1-800-229-3000. Suzy, Donna, everyone else calling in, Vicky call us back, we'd love to speak with you. 1-800-229-3000 with Dr. Jill Hubbard and JJ West on New Life Live. God bless you guys, thanks for watching and listening.

To find out more information about New Life or to order any of the resources mentioned on today's program, call 1-800-NEW-LIFE. Now back to New Life Live.

Every day we come alongside people in crisis, people like Isaac and Stephanie and Brian whom you've heard from today here on New Life Live. We offer not just good advice but also a path to real healing. With your support, New Life connects people to biblically based truth, compassionate counsel, and practical tools that lead to lasting change. Join the way God is working through New Life by making a gift today.

Right now even, it's super simple. You can give online at NewLife.com or by calling 1-800-NEW-LIFE, or you can text NLM to 28950, or to make a difference on a monthly recurring basis, you can become a 99 For The 1 partner. You can learn more at NewLife.com/99for1.

By the way, 99 For The 1 doesn't mean you're committing to a gift of $99.41 a month. I mean, you can if you want to, we won't stop you and would greatly appreciate it, but that's not where we got the name. So you can find out what it's all about at NewLife.com/99for1.

While you're on NewLife.com, make sure to check out our Moving Sale in the online store at NewLife.com. The more you guys take, the less we have to take with us to our new location. The prices are so deeply discounted. I can't even reach them, they are so deep. Jill, can you hand me that stick over there? Maybe I can reach them. No, still can't reach them. But check it out, NewLife.com in the store, click the Moving Sale banner and we'll go from there.

Back to the phones, here is Suzy in Biloxi, Mississippi. Welcome to New Life Live, Suzy.

Suzy: Hi guys. I am Day One and I promise by the time I get off the phone, I'll see what else we can get me into. But anyway, I've been listening to you guys for I guess probably three years and this is actually my second time to call in.

My question is that I'm really just kind of looking for direction and peace of mind. You know, I know in the Bible God tells us that He doesn't give us a spirit of fear, but of power, and love, and a sound mind. I have a lot of medical issues as well as I've been under treatment for what started out as depression in '90. After having a lot of different medications and such, it's progressed worse.

Twice I've landed in inpatient due to medication and such and a lot of damage was done. So I've seen the same therapist for 20 years. He's wonderful and a God-send. We tried numerous things: TMS in addition to the psychotrophic medications, TMS as well as I've been in psychotherapy and we did ECT ultimately two years ago, 10 treatments. I think I've finally got the right diagnosis and that is helping in my healing journey and it's complex PTSD.

Oh, praise God for walking me through all that mess and that wilderness experience. Now I'm also having, I've got two disks that are degenerative and one more that is bulging in my lower back, so I have a lot of chronic pain. I try to do natural things and not do medication because I really do have a fear of doctors and medicine and I don't like being in that position.

I'm willing to trust and I've always been compliant and my trust, I'm afraid the mental health field failed me because I didn't really get the proper treatment I needed, but we were willing to try and that's all that is.

So my question is now that I have all of this and trying to go natural, I'm using cannabis. I do have a card and I smoke it to help with those symptoms of CPTSD as well as the pain and all that that goes along with that. I've kind of have a peace about it, but at the same time I'm reminded my body's God's temple. So I don't want to be hurting myself.

JJ West: Suzy, first off, you're not alone in this. I think about the story of the woman who had the issue of blood for 12 years and she had gone to all kinds of different doctors and she'd spent all that she had and it says that at the end of that process, not only was she not healed, she was worse off than when she started.

There's many of us who've experienced similar types of things where we've gone for help, we've gone to the professionals for help, and not only did we not get the help we sought, but we feel like we are actually in a worse state after the fact. So I'm sorry that that's been your experience.

I'm glad that you have now found some relief, that you've got a plan that seems to be working, you've got a diagnosis that seems to be helping you understand what's going on with you and hopefully now a treatment plan to move you forward into healing.

So heard a slightly contradictory—I have peace about the fact that I am using medical marijuana, but yet I want peace about it. So it sounds like you're saying I'm divided here. I'm of two minds. There's part of me that says this is okay, this was prescribed to me, it's offering me help. And then there's part of me that says, oh, I don't know if this is the right thing to do. Am I hearing you correctly, Suzy?

Suzy: You are hearing perfectly, yes.

JJ West: Okay, so let me just speak to the part of you that is uneasy about taking the marijuana. You mentioned okay, I know that my body is the temple of the Lord. What else in that part of you that says I don't know if this is okay, what are the things that you're hearing? What are you saying to yourself?

Suzy: I won't be accepted by other people because of the stigma and also is it, there's so much misunderstanding and misconception and I'm a people pleaser and I want approval and I don't want to lose friendships or family because of that.

JJ West: Okay, so one I would say evaluate how safe the people are who are criticizing you or judging you. Do they have a legitimate place to come from, whether it's a medical, theological background or do they have your best interest at heart?

And then the part where it's just kind of imagining this in my own brain is to combat that with truth. Okay, God, do You accept me as I am? Do You love me as I am? Now that doesn't mean that everything we do God just goes, oh, it's totally fine, no big deal. But if God has said look, it's okay for you to follow this medical advice, then is it that important that other people agree with that?

That I'm getting that same approval from other people? So often when we get caught up in these things, it is just as you said, there's this desire to please others almost to the point of I have to have that. I can't not be okay if other people aren't totally okay with me. And that's a dangerous place to live because any number of people I talk to, I might get a different opinion and so I'm bouncing from one thing to another.

Brian Perez: Suzy, thanks for calling in today. We're going to keep you in prayer for sure, but check out our website for lots of great resources and call back 1-800-229-3000.

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