New Life LIVE

Brian Perez: Hi friends, welcome to New Life Live. I'm Brian Perez and we are ready to help many people with the struggles that they're facing. And here to do that, we've got licensed professional clinical counselor and president of New Life Ministries Becky Brown.

And to start off today's show with some words of wisdom and encouragement, here's doctor of marriage and family therapy, Sherry Denham-Kepper.

Sherry Denham-Kepper: Hey, well, it's great being with you both today. I want to give you a parable. I actually call them "Dr. Sherable Parables." But let me just tell you what healing can feel like sometimes.

I think there's a lot of us that get into a healing process once you're bravely willing to make a call to New Life, to go to one of the workshops, to go to an intensive, to get into therapy with one of our therapists and start doing the work. Something very interesting happens that I don't think most of us believe or even know about ourselves.

So the parable is, I want you to imagine a lobster in the ocean. Lobsters, why do they have their shells? They don't want to be eaten. But think about it, when we have trauma in our life, somebody has harmed us and so we come into the world without this armor on. But over time, a thick skin begins to form around us because in essence, it's protective. Just like a lobster crawling around on the bottom of the sea, trying to avoid predators and being hurt again, that tough shell goes on.

But this is what happens when you get into healing. That shell starts to shed because just like a lobster, if it was never to shed its shell so that it could drop that off on the ocean floor and then, interestingly, lobsters have jelly-like bodies underneath them and that jelly-like body grows and then it starts to form a protective surface again. But you can't grow, that lobster can never grow unless it sheds its skin.

So how does that feel when you go into a healing process? All of a sudden, you open up, you start talking about what's going on, you might get empathy and compassion from the people in your small group or maybe from your therapist, and then you start to feel. You start to feel the feels. You start to maybe cry or maybe you get mad or you just start working on the hurt that's happened. You start getting the pain out.

And so it can feel a little scary if you're not ready for it. But I want to tell you, I want to give you hope that that is the work. The work is that you're going to be getting the pain out, you're going to be feeling vulnerable in that process, you're going to need to choose people or someone that's safe so they can hold space for you and love on you.

But the beauty of it is, guess what? You may end up being that lobster that never goes back to that really hard shell again. I had a very wise therapist tell me that one time. She said, "You know what? After you do deep healing, you probably won't be the same shape. You probably will be more vulnerable and a better version of you." So there's hope in healing. It's okay to feel. It's not going to last forever, but you will change and grow and evolve and have more of life be a better version of who you are.

Brian Perez: That's what we're all about here at New Life Live and New Life Ministries. Find out more about us at newlife.com. Gil and Cynthia, we're going to talk to you guys in just a moment.

To the phones we go. Here is Cynthia in Durant, Oklahoma, who listens to us on KWRD. Welcome, Cynthia, to New Life Live.

Cynthia: Hey. I've listened to you guys help a lot of people before, and I love the Lord. He is very gracious and merciful, and without him, I wouldn't be standing. But I lost the love of my life of 35 years last month. And I just can't cope. I just can't cope. And I feel so horrible because God is so real and so good to me, but I feel ashamed that I'm still struggling.

Brian Perez: Cynthia, when did you say you lost him?

Cynthia: February the 12th. And it's still raw and I just can't cope.

Becky Brown: Do you have people around you, Cynthia, that are helping you carry this?

Cynthia: I don't know. It's just really difficult.

Sherry Denham-Kepper: Did he suffer for a long time or was it sudden, Cynthia? How did he pass away?

Cynthia: It was sudden, but he's been in a lot of pain for a long time. About 18 years ago, an 86-year-old man T-boned him, running a red light. He's had nerve damage and heart problems and kidney problems. God was very gracious. We had our two-year-old grandson and he was driving the van and we dropped off our two-year-old grandson and he just fell out of the van and was gone.

So I mean, praise God, that's what I'm saying. God is so merciful and he's not suffering anymore. But I just feel so bad that I'm not handling it well because God is so good and I feel ashamed that I'm just hurting so bad.

Brian Perez: Of course you are. Listen, we want to hug you from here, Cynthia. It's so painful, but both things can be true. God does love you, he is merciful, and you're not doing anything wrong by feeling bad or having these big feelings. This is part of loss. You loved your husband greatly and so you're going to feel these immense pains, especially a month into it and especially because of the suddenness of his loss. And thank God he wasn't driving.

I hear what you're saying. You're saying, "I should not feel this bad because of the provision that God gave to us." You had 35 years together, love of my life. It's a beautiful testimony of your husband and your life together. Grief takes the time that it takes. There's not a timeline. A lot of times, depending on our family of origin, we may be told not to feel, that you need to get over it, you need to move on. Other times, it can feel like it's never going to be done. You haven't yet cried enough, Cynthia. I know that may be disappointing to you, but the tears are healing. But the reason why I asked you if there were other people to help you through this pain, those are our armor bearers, the people who come alongside of us so that we can tell the stories of Gary.

Becky Brown: What was your husband's name, Cynthia?

Cynthia: Gary.

Brian Perez: Gary. So we want to tell the story of Gary and we want to hear about the love that you shared for so many years. It's really quite a testimony to his legacy. And of course, you're going to be this sad. This is your body, your soul, your emotional expression of that love. And so you're not doing anything wrong, but a lot of times, grief gets really confused because we think since we know he's in heaven, we know that God protected him, and so I should be reflecting that. But the bottom of your heart has dropped out and it's going to take some time. And it will not be because you're by yourself. It will require other people to carry that burden with you.

Sherry Denham-Kepper: Yeah, I am so aware that if we had an hour with you, the three of us would just love to hear your heart and hear your story. And there are GriefShare groups out there all over the place that give voice and allow people to come in to be heard and felt and loved as they're moving through that grieving process.

A couple of complicating factors for you that I right off the bat see, Cynthia, is that one, you've been your husband's person. 18 years ago, he had a tragic accident which did serious damage to his nerves. Nerve pain is horrible. Damage to his heart, kidneys. And guess what? You've been his primary caretaker. You probably have clocked more hours than any nurse who's worked probably over a 30-year period of time because you were 24/7 on the spot there to take care of him, there to comfort him, there to love on him, there to make sure he had what he needed. And I imagine if he has been the love of your life that he was grateful for everything that you did.

But that 24/7 caretaking can leave a huge hole in your life. Like, "What am I supposed to do now? How am I supposed to fill my day?" It's like there were tradition things that you did just to take care of him and it can feel so empty on top of empty. And then the other complicating factor that makes a lot of sense to me and why you're in a deep grief right now is because you didn't get to say goodbye. That's big.

My dad, I was getting ready to graduate from my doctorate and my dad called me the month before I was supposed to walk with my PhD. And my dad said, I said, "I don't know, Dad. I don't know if I'm going to finish my dissertation. I'm not even sure what's going to happen, if I'm going to pass." And my dad said, "You've worked really hard on this, honey, you're going to pass." And then he says, "I've got my plane tickets," and we said, "I love you." I had no idea that that would be the last time I ever talked to my dad. He died that next week. He had a heart attack. It was very sudden.

Not being able to say goodbye to my dad left me in somewhat of a complicated bereavement for a while because it's just like God created us for life and it's counter-design that we die. It's just counter-design that we don't get to say goodbye because life is meant to be eternal. He created us, Adam and Eve, and there's heaven. But it's tragic. There's a sting to death, especially when you didn't get to say goodbye.

So I would encourage you when you have the time and the space to write a letter to your precious Gary. And I would have you write it to him and take the time to cry and pen out your heart and write goodbye to him. Tell him everything that you've loved about him and appreciate him, but just let him know how much you miss him and it's breaking your heart not to be with him. It's okay. It's a sacred opportunity for you to share your heart. And then you might be able to share that letter in GriefShare group if you want with somebody.

Brian Perez: And I'm thinking, too, the shame that comes, what you're talking about, Cynthia, is that shame of "I shouldn't feel this way because God did so much." Jesus was a man of sorrows. He is acquainted with grief. He understands the pain. God doesn't want you to be feeling shame. He wants you to know that his arms are around you, he's carrying you.

You just had a great word from Sherry and we can connect you with a therapist that can help you with this, and griefshare.org is where you would find a group. And it's just one step at a time. But also, Cynthia, if you have any loved ones, if you have your children, they may be carrying this sadness too. GriefShare is a weight lifted. It's so powerful, I can't say it enough.

Also the reason why I'm lingering on this is because every single person on the planet is going to experience grief. Every one of us. However, every one of us experience it differently. And there's not a right way or a wrong way. But we can get off track. We can get stuck in not a healing process. And grief is not just the loss of a person, it also like you were talking about, loss of a job, the loss of a marriage. There's so many losses that we experience. We have to learn how to process them. And so I hope, Cynthia, this is step one in the journey of a thousand steps to your healing so that then we can celebrate Gary's life and we can talk, we'll talk again.

Cynthia, thanks for calling us today here on New Life Live. And if anyone else is going through grief right now, we've got a couple of tip sheets. We'll drop the information there in our show notes so that you can get these from us. There's 10 tips for healthy grieving and 12 steps to recovery from grief. You'll want to check those out.

Cynthia, thank you for calling in today to New Life Live. Everyone watching and listening is definitely praying for you during this time. There is no timeline for grief. And I mean, they were married for 35 years. Who knows how long they were dating before that? And it only happened a few weeks ago. So for her to think "Shouldn't I be over this by now?", it's so fresh.

Well, but I think that's the reason why we have to bust up the lies that we believe because in a season like that, grief is not just when you lose somebody because we have people who are betrayed partners who are stuck in grief and they start to believe lies that God could have done this differently. Or even in grief of the loss of someone, we get stuck in that. And we really have to connect with each other. I know we talk about that all the time here, but I can't stress it enough. It is the redemptive relationships that we get into that can help us carry the things of this world.

Sherry Denham-Kepper: And there's that grief workbook we have in our store too. If you all are listening and you're looking for a resource, just come here to New Life and look in our store and you can get that Life Recovery workbook for grief.

Brian Perez: It's powerful.

Sherry Denham-Kepper: Yep.

Brian Perez: Gil in Long Island, hello. Thanks for listening to us on WSHI. What's your question for Becky and Sherry today?

Gil: I'm enjoying the program. I also went through grief myself. I lost my girlfriend four years ago and I never got to say goodbye to her, my Nancy. I met her in a psychiatric hospital years ago and the second day we met, I told her about Jesus. She tried to commit suicide, but when I told her about Jesus, her life changed a lot. And then seven days after that, she fell in love with me and we were going to get married, my Nancy. And I can't stop talking about her. I miss her so much.

Sherry Denham-Kepper: So you get it. Yeah, you get it.

Gil: Yeah, I didn't get to say goodbye to her. She was a little upset with me because she wanted to see me around 3:00 and I had somebody like an aide taking care of me and I tried to explain to her I don't have control over the times that they come when I was living in the Bronx and stuff like that. So I never got to say goodbye to her and work out that situation. But we got along very well together and everything and she took good care of me when I was in her house. She took care of my Braille books. You know, I'm blind too. And she kept all my books in her house and my piano so that other people won't throw stuff out and everything like that.

Brian Perez: Wow. She was your person.

Gil: Yeah. She bought me clothes. She bought a lot of stuff for me. She was on an oxygen machine and she also told me she had congestive heart failure. So it was interesting to see the oxygen machine when I hear it in the nursing home and I hear other people, I say Nancy.

Brian Perez: How can we help you today, Gil?

Gil: Well, today, the Bible says blessed are they that mourn in Matthew 5:4, for they shall be comforted. And Psalm 139 says I will praise you for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. I'm having a problem with my eyes. I've been having pain in my eyes for about three or four years and my sister was told that I might have surgery. I had one surgery but it didn't help much. And this surgery is supposed to take the eyeball out and put injection in my eye. And I'm struggling whether I should do that next month. It's not an easy decision.

Brian Perez: All right, we'll help you through this when we come back here on New Life Live.

Hey, Gil, you still with us, man?

Gil: Always and forever, comfort of the mother, praise the Lord.

Brian Perez: Sounds like a song.

Gil: Yeah, that was one by Heatwave.

Brian Perez: I think so. We're showing our age.

Gil: 1979 actually. I used to be a DJ.

Brian Perez: Oh, isn't that funny? You're brilliant, Gil. You have an amazing mind. You don't forget anything.

Becky Brown: So, Gil, you were talking about this upcoming surgery. Are you wondering if you should have it or what are your feelings about it?

Gil: Yeah, because I'm afraid it could make things worse or better. I heard that a woman on Fox News, she had pain in her eyes and she had eye drops and she went through all that stuff, but when she got surgery, it was the only thing that helped her. And I had surgery before on one eye and it really didn't get better. But this is going to be a little different. They're going to take the eyeball out and give me an injection, if I remember correctly what they told me next month. So I also need your prayers. I need for you people to fast and pray for me in the church as well because the Bible says the prayers of a righteous man availeth much. I believe in James 5, I think it is.

Brian Perez: I quote that all the time. One of our favorites.

Sherry Denham-Kepper: Are you in chronic pain from this?

Gil: Yes. I'm in bed a lot because I'm in pain, but I'm trying to get out of bed to go to activities and I don't like being in bed. I don't want to be like Proverbs talks about, the lazy person, but it's just the pain is so. I feel better when I lie down a little bit.

Sherry Denham-Kepper: Right, because there's probably pressure on the eye when you sit up or stand up and so laying back kind of probably relieves the back of that eyeball, whatever is in distress. So you're blind, right? Legally blind?

Gil: Blind, yes. Since 1965. I was born in 1965, yes. I'm 60 years old and I'm living in a nursing home for almost two years. Yeah.

Sherry Denham-Kepper: What's your greatest fear about your surgery? Because we're all going to be praying for you if you choose to do it. But what is your greatest fear?

Gil: The pain or that it might not get better or may get worse or may get better. It's kind of a mix. I know Alice was quoting Isaiah chapter 26 verse 3, it says thou will keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on thee. So when I was lying down, I was thinking maybe that's why God has me so I can learn the word of God, which is one good thing because we're to be thankful in all circumstances according to first Thessalonians 5:18, I think it is.

Brian Perez: Well, the challenge is, Gil, it is, this is the question that we all, we're at a crossroads, and the known pain versus the unknown either relief or more pain. And this is where the multitude of counselors come into play. Everything from other ophthalmologists or people who have had testimonials from this surgery to your loved ones who are supportive. Wisdom is in that multitude. And then it is obviously praying, God give me a release that this is the step that I'm going to in, and know that whatever the outcome is that you will be able to endure or you will be able to thrive.

Wouldn't it be great to have a crystal ball? And we're not believers in crystal balls, but it would be nice sometimes to be able to see what the other side. Because we've also known the risks of surgery. And so I know that's not a clear-cut answer, Gil, but I do think do as much research, not just what the media says but you can ask the computer to find all the information, get some sort of a resolution because the anxiety that's building up as you anticipate what could go wrong actually creates more pain in the situation.

Becky Brown: And I love what you said, Becky. I mean, I would do exactly what you said is ask the doctor for statistics on this particular surgery. Like what are the outcomes? And if it's 90%, 85%, even 75%, those help take your odds from 50/50 to a higher percentage, right?

And then I know this is a little trite quip, but I think about when I look at my own life and when the pain of remaining the same is greater than the pain of changing or risking towards change, we change. And so nobody, Gil, can even begin to quantify how much pain you're in right now, how much loss of life being flat on your back. It's just not your jam. It's not how you roll. No one can quantify that. But if you're able to weigh that out to say the pain that I'm in right now, is it at a place that I'm willing to risk the surgery for possible relief? Then that will be the day that you go, "Okay, I'm ready."

Brian Perez: And you know the other part about this because you are a strong believer, Gil, no matter what, God is still God. It's just like with Daniel's prayer, and even if, God is God and he will be with you, Gil, no matter what. So do the research, get wisdom from other counselors as well as your family, people who love you. Know that we're praying for you and know that God's got this no matter what your choice is.

We have two million people that listen to this show plus. You just have a two million people prayer chain right now that are praying for you for wisdom because I know you've called in before. We have a relationship with you, Gil. And we're for you.

Brian Perez: For sure. You know what? We've got a webinar coming up. It's called Freedom from Fear and Anxiety. I think we'll send you a registration, Gil. So stay on the phone and we'll talk a little bit more about that webinar coming up and we'll talk as well when we return here on New Life Live. And keep Gil in your prayers.

Becky Brown: Hello, it's Becky Brown. I am so excited to launch our 99 For The One partner initiative. Every day, we hear from people all over the world who are looking for hope. They've been lost in a relationship struggle, addiction, anxiety, depression, all kinds of ways and it reminds us of the story in Luke 15 where the shepherd that leaves the 99 to go rescue the one.

And we've seen God work in the lives of so many people over the years here at New Life and we want to invite you to be part of what God is doing. 99 For The One is our partner program that you can give to the ministry on a monthly basis to make sure that we continue to reach out to the lost. Call 1-800-NEW-LIFE or newlife.com/9941.

Feeling overwhelmed, worried, restless or on edge is incredibly common. Those reactions make sense in a stressful, broken world. To help, on April 14th, we're offering a 90-minute live webinar titled Freedom from Fear and Anxiety that will help replace fear-based thinking with truth, calm and trust in God. Becky, you're leading this webinar. Why don't you tell us more?

Becky Brown: I am. A few years back, Steve and I put a devotional together of that same title, "100 Days of Freedom from Fear and Anxiety." So many people recognize anxiety driving their life. There's a lot of people that don't recognize that some of the stuff that they aren't dealing with is the anxiety because it can go unnoticed. And the fear, fear and anxiety are two different things, but they run along the same street. And so anxiety can push the fear, fear can push the anxiety.

So we're going to talk about that, but one of the coolest things that I'm really excited about is we're going to have a special guest, Patsy Clairmont, who's one of the original Women of Faith. She's going to join me for a Q&A session. Some of you know Patsy's story about dealing with agoraphobia when she was younger and the work that God did in her life. She was one of our Women of Faith speakers a million years ago.

Sherry Denham-Kepper: And she's funny. I can just imagine you two together because you're both hilarious.

Becky Brown: Yeah, you won't be anxious after you laugh with you two. But the thing I love about her sage wisdom grounded in scripture but also her real-life example of "you can do this." And it's not simplifying. We understand in mental health work, anxiety can be very complex and people need to look at all the different things that are driving the anxiety. Some people have to learn to live with a level of anxiety, but we're going to talk about all of that and we're going to find those paths of freedom.

Sherry Denham-Kepper: You know, there's an amazing acronym for fear: F-E-A-R, False Evidence Appearing Real. And so what we just talked about with Gil is what is the fear? But the conversation moved him towards "get some evidence," because we can be just stuck in that false evidence appearing real and that can keep us spinning instead of really having to address "what am I afraid of?"

Becky Brown: Well, and that articulation can help you in so many ways. In relationships, there are people that are isolated because they're fearful, but they don't really know what that is about. So yeah, join us.

Brian Perez: Join us. And one really quick question. There are people who have anxiety that don't even think they have anxiety because they think anxiety means someone who's always panicking. But there's people that appear cool, calm and collected, but they've got that anxiety going on too.

Becky Brown: Yeah, it's probably under-diagnosed for so many because they relate it to stress. They think "I'm just stressed because work or relationship." Well, that brings anxiety. And anxiety is also a control issue. Like when you think about agoraphobia, for example, it's that feeling of being out of control unless I'm in a safe space. So it's understanding where does it work and then the body's reaction to it too because it impacts all parts of us.

Sherry Denham-Kepper: I just want to say this really quick. This morning, I woke up with some anxiety. And I have this little thing I do, this tradition. How do I know it? Because my heart just kind of clenches in my chest and I'm laying there and what I do is I hit my snooze button and I start to pray. And my snooze is 10 minutes. And so I might have a one-snooze morning for my anxiety or I might have a two-snooze morning. But it's like a tradition that I've been doing and it's amazing how much of that surrender when I'm like "Lord, I can't control this today, I can't control that today, what do I do?" and it's quieting my body. Am I feeling my heart clench? No, not now. So that two-snooze morning did help me out today and it's taking one day at a time.

Brian Perez: You just taught me something I can do about that snooze because I usually have a five-snooze morning before I even get out of bed. That's not a good thing. But you can find out more about this webinar by texting the word WEBINAR to 28950 and we'll also include a free tip sheet called Five Ways to Find Freedom from Fear and Anxiety. This is on April 14th. So check that out.

Back to the phones. Here is Kara in Riverside, California, who watches us on YouTube. Welcome, Kara, to New Life Live.

Kara: Hi, good morning. Good afternoon. How are you?

Brian Perez: Doing well. So glad you called.

Kara: Thank you. I've been always wanting to call, but this is the first time I ever had the courage to do it. I initially wrote an email, but it's pretty lengthy, but I'll just get down to the gist of it. I was diagnosed with depression and inattentive ADHD maybe three years ago. And I always knew there was something wrong with me, like I wasn't all there. I didn't know what was wrong, so I went and got tested and they said I had depression, which I didn't think I had depression, but they also told me I had ADHD, which answered a lot of questions.

And they actually gave me medication. I played around a lot with the medication, but they finally got me on Lexapro and Adderall, which was working really great for me. But I felt like I had to get off just because I really feel like I couldn't really hear the voice of God clearly and I always doubted him. I always doubted whether or not that was God or it was just my own consciousness. And so now that I'm off, I've been off since July and it was going good, but I feel like my life is just kind of falling apart where I'm back where I was where I can't function, where I look around and I can't even think straight.

Sherry Denham-Kepper: Precious Kara, I'm so glad you called today. Honestly, I'm so stinking proud you called today to just bring us your heart. You know what? I want to tell you this, there's good news. Because your sweet brain, just like my anxiety went off this morning, you probably heard me talking about like my two snooze. Do you know your sweet brain just told you something? It said, "Kara, I need something to help me right now."

That's what your brain just told you because you were on medication, things kind of lifted and then I get it, you're like, "Well, I don't know if I need to be on this. I feel like I'm not really hearing the Lord in the same way and I don't want that to be doused." So you did what many of us do. We do a science project with ourselves. We take ourselves off the medication and then we see where our brain is at.

And guess what your brain said? "Help! I need a little something, Kara." It really is crying out because it needs that supportive help. And when I say that, Kara, it doesn't mean your brain's going to need that forever, but I often think about our brains like airplanes that for you, I imagine that there's been some things that have happened that have really hurt your heart. And you've been burning jet fuel for a long time. And what happens like a fighter pilot, fighter plane that's burning jet fuel for a long time, eventually the fuel level gets low. Like your brain is like that tank that holds the fuel. No matter what you did, you didn't have enough fuel in your brain to support and lift that depression.

So brains need help. They need help to get your neurotransmitters working, they need help to get the serotonin and dopamine levels correct. Like a chemist, your brain is crying out for support. Now, it's interesting that you said when you were on the Lexapro and the Adderall that you began to feel like you were not hearing from God or what?

Kara: Well, I felt like I felt him far away. I felt like I was when I could not sense the Holy Spirit. Okay. And I could not, I didn't know whether my thoughts like if I was thinking something if it was lining up with the Holy Spirit.

Sherry Denham-Kepper: So let me ask two things and I know we're going to go to break. But one, did you have in your past abandonment?

Kara: Yes.

Sherry Denham-Kepper: Okay. Now, do you think that's kind of weird that I asked you that?

Kara: No.

Sherry Denham-Kepper: Okay. Let me tell you why and we'll talk about it a little bit more. It could have been that on the medication, now all of a sudden that your brain is getting what it needs, you know what was starting to surface? The issue, the pain issue. And somehow God was holding that temporarily, but it's probably about the trauma in your past. So we'll be back.

Brian Perez: We'll be back here on New Life Live. Kara, stay on the phone. All right. So what do you think of what Sherry asked you?

Kara: About abandonment? Yes, my parents were not parents, I guess.

Sherry Denham-Kepper: Oh, sweetheart. Yeah. Relatable. And so God was probably your trustworthy person, right? You probably held onto God like life itself. And so to have that stunted or to feel that kind of go away, I would have hit the panic button too because he's been your constant, right? And you don't want to lose that constant.

Are you doing any therapy? Any EMDR, any Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing, any trauma work on two parents that were not there for you? That's big.

Kara: Yeah, no, I didn't know anything about that. I know that I was getting counseling prior to with when I initially started the medication, I was getting counseling, but I stopped it just because it was an issue in my marriage. My husband didn't really want me talking to anybody. So I stopped.

Sherry Denham-Kepper: Okay. So guess what? This is going to feel very uncomfortable, but I want you to do your work. I just want to appeal to your husband, husband, please. Your wife needs some support. She's got some heartache that she needs healing for and I'm not sure why you're scared, husband, right? Concerned, maybe fearful about what she might be talking about. But she's got some abandonment in her family of origin that really needs to be worked out and honestly, you will probably have a wife that has more of a fullness about her if she can begin and continue doing her work. I'm talking to your husband right now because I'm fighting for you. But I want you to do your work.

Brian Perez: I'm just wondering, Kara, was he in the discussion about you stopping the medication?

Kara: Well, yeah, he well every time he would see me taking my medication, he would get upset. In the email it states that he's type A and all about vitamins and exercise and natural health.

Brian Perez: And there's a place for those things, but what Sherry and I are concerned about is it's not an all-or-nothing or all you have to do. This is complex in that you've got a history that hasn't been really dealt with or healed, but also the brain issue. If you do have ADHD and you've been diagnosed with it, your brain's working overtime, which can cause the depression.

And then when you take the medicine, it's not just taking medicine without therapeutic intervention because the therapy can help the physical part of it, but there's still stuff to work out. And then this issue with your marriage, that's a whole different thing. And so all of these factors, it's not just one thing. But like Sherry just said, Kara, I want you to lean into whatever it is that you need.

Your husband's scared. That's the reason why he doesn't want you to do any of this stuff. But once he finds that there's safety in this, you're going to experience a better connection that way.

Sherry Denham-Kepper: I just want to share a verse with you, sweet one, Kara. It's Jeremiah 6:14, and it says they offer superficial treatments for my people's mortal wound. They give assurance of peace when there is no peace. Now, that's kind of what your husband's trying to do. He wants you to take supplements and just be over this, right? But you have a mortal wounding, you have a heartache that needs attention, just like I talked about when we started the show today, the lobster and the getting that off and the crying and I mean, girl, you're so human and there's some pain that's there. And so without medication, without any therapy, you'll probably feel overwhelmed and stuck. And that's not where I want you. That's not where Brian or Becky want you. We want you to get some traction.

Brian Perez: Yeah, and one step at a time. Kara, this is a path. This isn't "I'm going to go get this fixed so my husband can stop saying that." We've got all kinds of voices coming at us. But in order for you to get to the place, everything from stopping the medicine because of the way you felt disconnected from God, there's an adjustment for that. You go to the doctor and you say, "Listen, I feel stunted." This is a very common experience of people who take medicine. It's something that we talk about. But the therapeutic intervention is part of it, and trauma work will be dynamic not only for you but for your husband as well.

So that there's a dynamic, there's a power dynamic that's at play right now that's not helping you and it's really not helping him. He doesn't know it yet, though. I'm glad you brought up that Bible verse, Sherry, because I think that verse has been used almost against what we do here at New Life Live because they're saying, "No, you don't need that. You just need more pray more, pray more, read the Bible more, take your vitamins, your supplements, eat your veggies and that'll help you." But there is so much, it's the mortal wound.

And here's the thing, no one thing fixes everything. It is a process. It's all of those things. And Kara, I love that you were going to send us the letter and it was all very detailed. I love that you're thinking that way, but you took the risk today and stay on the line. We'll get you connected with a trauma therapist because I think that's going to be very important.

Kara: Okay. Well, thank you. I appreciate it.

Brian Perez: So good to hear from you today, Kara. Stay on the phone. Thanks for contacting us here at New Life Live. And if you're wondering what's this email she was going to send? Well, you can send us an email too in case you can't call in when we're here on the show. All the details are at newlife.com/radio. You can also leave us a voicemail. But we'd love to interact with you, so call in if you can when we're here in the studio at 1-800-229-3000.

And when you support New Life, you're helping people connect with transformational resources that can have an impact on future generations. When one person breaks an addiction, gets healed, gets healthy, it has a ripple effect on those around them and for generations to come. To support the work God is doing through New Life, you can give online at newlife.com, you can call 1-800-NEW-LIFE or text the letters NLM as in New Life Ministries to 28950.

We welcome small gifts, large gifts, one-time gifts. But we also have an initiative for monthly support, right Becky?

Becky Brown: Yes, you can join 99 For The One partners. It's based on the story that Jesus tells in Luke 15 about the shepherd who leaves the 99 to go find the lost sheep and celebrates when that sheep is returned to the fold. New Life has been doing this work for almost 40 years now. We are finding, we're rescuing the one and restoring the many. And even with phone calls like what we've had today, there's this huge audience that's listening and they're taking cues from there to find their new life.

Your giving makes that possible. When you join 99 For The One partners, you are saying, "I'm committed to the sustaining power of my gift to New Life Ministries." And so I invite you to join today. You're going to make a difference.

Sherry Denham-Kepper: I think about Kara, right? She's the one. And yet as we were talking to you, Kara, about your brain and medication and deep wounds, do you know there is a lot of other people that were gaining great information? There was a lot of other changes that they were making. There might even be someone that said, "I need to call a psychiatrist today because I'm not going to try to treat this superficially."

Brian Perez: Yep. You can find out more at newlife.com/9941 to become one of our monthly partners. Thank you so much for whatever you can do. Your generosity is changing lives as we've heard all this week here on New Life Live. So God bless you. Thanks so much for watching and listening today on behalf of Becky Brown, the president of New Life Ministries, and Dr. Sherry Denham-Kepper, a doctor of marriage and family therapy. God bless you guys. We'll talk to you next time.