New Life LIVE

New Life: Welcome to the New Life Live podcast. We hope to provide help and hope in your life through God's word, counselors, and psychologists as we answer questions from listeners who call with the challenges of life. Let's go to today's episode.

Brian Perez: It's here, the weekend. You're here watching and listening. Chris and Tammy are on the phone, and a few others as well. We'll get to you in just a little bit. And they're here, Jill and JJ. Couldn't do the show without them.

Welcome to New Life Live. I'm your host, Brian Perez, and we've got lots of great advice and wisdom to share with you today, so stick around. Licensed marriage and family therapist JJ West is here. He's also one of the presenters at our Intimacy in Marriage and Every Man's Battle workshops. In fact, EMB is happening next weekend. More details at newlife.com/emb. And clinical psychologist Dr. Jill Hubbard, how would you like to start today's show?

Dr. Jill Hubbard: Hey, that's a great way to say it. I would like to start with something radical, and that is radical acceptance. It's a term that sometimes we hear in 12-step circles, but it's also a term that is used or a practice that is used in DBT, dialectical behavioral therapy, that started with Marsha Linehan.

Have you ever had situations where bad things happen and we have no control over the situation, or been with people or yourself where you're just angry and you just keep spinning the same thing over and over and over again and you can't seem to get past it? It's so frustrating, and you get stuck in that resentment, that anger, that hatred, that shame.

Some of that is our protest, which is very important. We need to protest as we're processing, but we don't want to camp out and live in our protest. We need to move through it. Part of that is practicing radical acceptance. What do you do in radical acceptance? You start with what's bothering me. You write it down. This is an exercise of what you can do because a lot of times, the spinning happens and we need to find a way to move through it.

What's bothering you? Take a minute and write down your thoughts about what's bothering you. Then you want to understand it. You look at what you've written. Then you ask yourself, "Is there something here of reality that needs accepting?" Not a judgment or an opinion, which would be, "It should be like this," or, "I wish it were like this." That's an opinion. But no, how is it?

That's an important thing to look at and then to pause and to think about it. Now, we don't want to do that because it's uncomfortable and that's why we keep spinning and we never get past it. We have to sit with it and think about it and look at it. This is what happened. It is what it is. This is something that can't be changed, and you almost have to repeat that.

But you also have to look at what actually did happen. You have to get it out. Write out what happened. First you have what's bothering me, then you're understanding the reality. Now, how do you accept reality? You think about this and you imagine what it feels like to accept it. Can you accept your thoughts? Can you help yourself accept this reality?

You actually have to spend some time thinking about it. Then you have to think about or imagine what would your behaviors look like if you accepted this reality. You have to rehearse that again and again. First we have to be able to imagine something to change it, and we have to practice it. What would it look like if I actually accepted this reality? I'm not talking about liking this reality, I'm just talking about accepting it. Also, look at where is this in my body? Where am I feeling this that keeps coming up for me? A lot of times, then we have to look at those parts of our body. I have more to say, but I'm going to close out there.

Brian Perez: You know what? We have a tip sheet on radical acceptance that we can send to you if you call us at 800-NEW-LIFE. To find out more information about New Life or to order any of the resources mentioned on today's program, call 1-800-NEW-LIFE. Now back to New Life Live.

We've got a moving sale going on right now in the newlife.com store. Some amazing deals are in there on resources you hear us talking about all the time. You can click the moving sale banner to get started, to get moving, I should say. Go to newlife.com. Let's go to the phones now. Here is Chris in Alexandria, Virginia, listening on newlife.com. Hi there, Chris. Welcome to the show.

Chris: Hello. Thanks a lot. I appreciate it. Hi.

Brian Perez: What's going on? How can we help you?

Chris: Okay. I already called in and you may have a note on it, I don't know. But it's a therapy technique I'm wondering about. I did grow up in a lot of trauma and I am a senior. The abbreviations are SIT, like subconscious imprinting technique. I don't know much about it, but I have a first person I know who seems very well-balanced as a Christian. She's not a professional therapist and she says she's been doing this for some time. Apparently, not many people know about it. I'm getting really not the best feedback from a couple of people at church about what it could be. Maybe they just don't know.

Brian Perez: What are their concerns?

Chris: I grew up in a lot of trauma. I want to know if it's legitimate or if it's brainwashing, or if it's mind renewing and healing from trauma.

Brian Perez: Jill, do you know about this?

Dr. Jill Hubbard: I don't know about this specifically, Chris. I do know there are so many ideas and theories out there and people are always creating something new as a way of helping people. Sometimes it's a refurbishing of old stuff into a new idea. Chris, can you tell us what's your understanding of it?

Chris: The best I can, I'm a little stressed from even thinking about these things. That's the issue in the first place. There are learning issues and I don't get much help with that because when you're in your late 70s, you don't get help with that in school, so you just grow up with it. Anyway, I just have had one session with her. I mentioned it to the elder at my church and he was a little concerned. All I know is what she did with me. We did this on Zoom. She was just talking about stating things that should be there that were not that happened to me, in a nutshell. I only had one session, so I cannot remember everything. But have you heard of it?

Brian Perez: JJ, have you heard of it?

JJ West: I have not heard of this particular subconscious imprinting technique. I have not heard of it. There are some other techniques that are used for trauma that have a long-standing reputation, that have good outcome data, things like EMDR, which is eye movement desensitization and reprocessing, or ART, which is accelerated resolution therapy.

Both of those I not only know about but I know practitioners of and trust them. I trust their clinical significance but also trust their relationship with the Lord. If I were you, I might do a little bit more digging into what it is that this particular technique supposedly does, what are some of the side effects that you might encounter. But no, I'm not familiar with it at all. If you can't find anybody who is familiar with it or any good outcome data that shows it does actually do what it purports to do, then I would suggest going with a technique that has a better reputation.

Dr. Jill Hubbard: Or it seems like, can you even define it? We're not even hearing a definition.

Chris: There are a lot of things I can't do, but all I can do is tell you what I have right here. Also, the other thing I have is, I love you all, but when you say, "I suggest you go out there and get a counselor, a Christian counselor, who will help you with this and with that," they cost a lot of money. That point doesn't seem to come up very often, with due respect. I know you can recommend some things that I'm going to try to write those things down. I'm going to call back and write those things down that you suggested, but these people cost a lot of money when my situation doesn't have it.

Dr. Jill Hubbard: That is true, Chris, and that is difficult for people with lower means. Our profession is how we make our living. For some people, therapy is a luxury. That's where there are some places like you can go to training facilities that will have a low-fee sliding scale where therapists are learning and practicing, but they're overseen by people who are well-trained. This is why we recommend so many 12-step groups or groups in general because it's another way that is low-cost where you can get some help and some support. A lot of times, churches will have some referrals to low-fee counseling when you can't afford people at their regular fee. I do understand that's a struggle, but we don't want it to be an excuse for not getting help because help is out there.

JJ West: That's an important point. We have a couple local seminaries that have counselor education programs that do offer really low-cost counseling. They're all overseen by licensed and trained professionals, Christian schools as well that have that same kind of program. Our office here where I work in a group practice, we have a sliding scale, we have a scholarship account for those who have financial need. So most of the time it's just letting the therapist or the practice know, "Hey, I have this financial need." What are the other resources that are available?

Brian Perez: For sure, but Jill, you mentioned the groups, Life Recovery groups. We can connect you with one in your area there, Alexandria, Virginia. I'm sure we've got more than one to choose from. You can either meet in person or online, but we definitely strongly suggest that you get the help you need.

Dr. Jill Hubbard: Right, and sometimes taking a little initiative and taking a book that is talking about issues that you need to work on and asking two of your friends, "Can we form a little group, read this book together?" You spend 10 minutes reading and then you take turns sharing, and that over time becomes a good source of support and it's free.

Brian Perez: We've got lots of books and articles and resources there in the newlife.com store, so check that out. Chris, thanks for calling us today here on New Life Live. Now we'll go to Tammy in San Francisco, who is listening on newlife.com. Hey Tammy, what's going on?

Tammy: Hi. Thank you so much for taking my call, I really appreciate it. So I'm calling about my son and I just listened to Jill, who talked about accepting reality. I mean, I think this might tie in, but okay. So my son has had a real estate job and unfortunately, he just maybe doesn't know how to do it. He's had very little sales in the years that he's been in real estate.

Then every time my husband and I talk to him about maybe getting a different job or even diving more into it with courses or something like that, he just gets really defensive. I just, we don't know how to approach it because I mean, he's not building a future and he wants to get married, he wants to have kids. That hasn't happened and I think part of the reason is a lot of women don't want to marry somebody who doesn't have a financially secure future. And so it deeply bothers me. I don't know how to talk to him because every time we do, he gets very defensive.

Brian Perez: How old is he, Tammy?

Tammy: 37.

Brian Perez: Does he support himself? Is he able to pay his own bills?

Tammy: Yes, to a certain extent. There was a while that I didn't even know, but my husband was paying his rent. I know.

Brian Perez: Is your son involved at church, Tammy?

Tammy: He does go to church occasionally, but not really involved.

Brian Perez: I'm wondering if he would join a men's group because I think about what Steve used to always say is that men become men in the company of men and that he probably needs people outside of his parents, especially outside of his mom, where he might hear things from better than you. And so in a men's group where one, you're learning about the Lord, but you're also sharing, he can hear what other men do. And that suggestion could come from your husband because I think there's some adulting that he struggles with in terms of and maybe I don't know if it's in just how he processes, but kind of connecting the dots.

I know like I have a son in his early 20s and he'll say, "How do people do that? How do they do that?" And he's trying to connect the dots, like how do you get from point A to point B in life? And those are good questions to be asking and because if you don't like where you're at, you got to figure out, okay, how did other people do this? And so it's good to be with other people who are doing it. How long has he been doing the real estate?

Tammy: For five years.

Brian Perez: And do you know, did he ever share with you or your husband why he chose to go that route? I'm assuming if he's 37, so he was 32 when he started, so he did something else before this, yes?

Tammy: Yeah, he did insurance before this and he was fairly successful at doing that.

Brian Perez: Do you know why he switched to real estate?

Tammy: Not really.

JJ West: That may be a good conversation starter is to just ask, "So tell us what was it about real estate that caused you to switch from insurance doing real estate, or what is it that you hope it's going to provide for you if it hasn't already?" And that may help you understand why he continues to engage in a work environment that doesn't seem to be providing much for him. Maybe he has some hopes and dreams that he still believes are achievable but just hasn't gotten there yet. And so then, like Jill was saying, it may be that it's helpful for him to have those conversations with other men about how I get from where I am now to where it is that I want to be in terms of this job, in terms of this profession.

Brian Perez: Could it be that he's put so much time and effort into this? Five years that he's afraid to I mean, he doesn't want to walk out now because maybe that next sale will be the one or something.

Tammy: Yes, I think that's what he's hoping.

Dr. Jill Hubbard: Is he aware of how much anxiety you have over his life, Tammy?

Tammy: I think he's fairly aware that we have a certain level of anxiety for sure.

JJ West: It sounds like you might have more anxiety for his life than he has for his life. I actually did real estate for a little while a long time ago. This was a whole profession ago, a whole life ago. But when I was I was working with one particular broker and he had this phrase that I thought was kind of funny but very true. He was talking about how sometimes sellers, people who are selling their house, they have these lofty ideas of what their house can sell for. But he said his favorite phrase was, "When the wallet gets light, the mind gets right." And so it may be that for your son, instead of you and your husband rescuing him from the consequences of low sales, he needs to experience the pain of that to say, "Ah, this isn't working for me. I need a different approach, I need a different route." What do you think, Tammy?

Tammy: Yeah, that makes sense.

Brian Perez: All right, thanks for calling us today here on New Life Live. My name is Brian Perez, I'm here with clinical psychologist Dr. Jill Hubbard and licensed marriage and family therapist JJ West. New Life Live is the name of the show, New Life Ministries is who we are. You can find out about us at newlife.com. We're on social media, we've got newsletters, devotionals, so much more at newlife.com. To find out more information about New Life or to order any of the resources mentioned on today's program, call 1-800-NEW-LIFE. Now back to New Life Live.

We hope we will see you at the July 24th Intimacy in Marriage intensive in Washington, D.C. Now, recent studies suggest that approximately 20 to 25% of Christian marriages end in divorce. People get married thinking they would never be part of that statistic, but sadly, too many are. That's why getting help for your marriage, even a marriage that you think is pretty good, is vital. Don't settle for pretty good.

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We started today's show with Dr. Jill Hubbard speaking about radical acceptance, and then we had a call from Tammy who wanted to go a little bit deeper and it reminded me that you didn't get to finish everything you wanted to say.

Dr. Jill Hubbard: Right, so I'm thinking in terms of Tammy and she has a son that is trying something that isn't working. And I'm sure Tammy and her husband have already said this, but to say to your son, "Son, have you considered that this might not be the right profession for you? I know you've put in the time." And she said her son gets very defensive. Okay, so he's protesting. "No, no, no, I've put in all this time, the next deal is around the corner."

So part of this is accepting reality, right? And so I was talking about imagining what it would feel like to accept it and then rehearsing what would you do if you did accept this. So it's maybe like, "I know the next deal's around the corner, but son, go with me for a minute. What would it look like if you accepted that reality? Let's just play here for a minute."

And then if you did accept that reality, what might be a next step? And that's something that you rehearse. And when I say that to you, where do you feel it? Where do you feel it in your body? "Oh, my chest hurts. Oh, I get a stomachache." Okay, so we're going to close our eyes and we're going to think about that area of the body. We're going to kind of breathe into it and we're going to try to release that tension in that part of the body.

And then what do you feel? There's disappointment, there's sadness. Okay, we have to name those things and allow yourself to feel it. So you're naming your thoughts and your feelings about this. And then, okay, despite the pain of this reality, what makes life worth living? So let's remember the good. Okay, like even if we decide that the reality is this is not the job that you thought and that your idealistic fantasy isn't going to come to fruition, what have you learned from it? What's the good? Let's remember the good and the skills that you have gained in looking at this reality and coming to some acceptance of it.

And then you kind of then you go to your basic like writing down the pros and cons and you reflect as you're trying to make this decision. So you're trying to kind of chew on this, work it through, and come to a place of, "I may not like this, but this is the reality," and moving into acceptance may help me move forward instead of staying stuck.

Brian Perez: This reminds me of, you know, we see those competition shows on TV all the time where people have been told all their life, "Oh, you're a great singer, you've got a great voice," and then they get up in front of millions of people and they had this dream and then now it's just shattered into pieces.

Dr. Jill Hubbard: Or every parent thinks their kid is just brilliant, you know, they'll just tell you, "My kid is brilliant," right? And I'll never forget the first time I took my son to like a class, I think it was gymnastics. And I'm watching him with the other kids and I'm like, "Man, he's squirmy. Man, he doesn't pay attention. Oh my gosh, look at the other kids are so much more coordinated than he is." And I had a dose of reality given where he was developmentally, right? We need those doses of reality sometimes.

JJ West: We do indeed. That, you know, that is exactly what happened why I'm not still doing real estate.

Brian Perez: I was going to ask you, why? And we're so grateful that you decided to go the LMFT route, but what happened?

JJ West: What happened? What happened is we lost Tammy.

Brian Perez: I guess he's not an LMFT anymore.

Dr. Jill Hubbard: The reality is he's not here. Oh no!

Brian Perez: I think we lost JJ, so maybe he'll reconnect. I think I hear him. He's not there. Okay. Sinking into his sadness about giving up real estate.

Dr. Jill Hubbard: It was radically accepting. God has used him in great ways. Totally, totally. And see, that is a good example that sometimes we have to let go of that thing that we are trying to force in order for God to do something different with us. Yeah, like trying to force an internet connection. There you are! Okay, yay, he's back. Okay, we didn't scare you off. We're just wondering, what was the story?

JJ West: Oh, so what I was trying to say before I was so rudely interrupted by the internet crashing is so when I was doing real estate in I started in 2005, well, of course as most people know, the whole bottom dropped out in 2006, 2007. So in 2007, you know, we're we're just struggling to make ends meet and so my wife and I just decided, okay, at six months I have to make X amount from real estate in order to keep going.

Well, I was one deal short of that of that number. And so that was the that was the fleece, right? That was God saying we need to move on and that's what ended me back in private practice, which is exactly where I where I needed to be.

Brian Perez: Yeah, and we think of all the lives that you've touched over the years, JJ, there in your private practice and through the intimacy in marriage and every man's battle workshops. Yeah, you could have sold more homes, but doesn't it feel a little more rewarding everything that you've done since then, the way that the Lord has used you?

Dr. Jill Hubbard: He's confirmed it over and over, for sure.

Brian Perez: All right, we've got to take a break here on New Life Live. We'll be back, thanks so much for joining us today. Hello, it's Becky Brown and I am so excited to launch our 99 for the 1 partner initiative. Every day, we hear from people all over the world who are looking for hope. They've been lost in a relationship struggle, addiction, anxiety, depression, all kinds of ways.

And it reminds us of the story in Luke 15 where the shepherd, they leaves the 99 to go rescue the one. And you know, we've seen God work in the lives of so many people over the years here at New Life and we want to invite you to be part of what God is doing. 99 for the 1 is our partner program that you can give to the ministry on a monthly basis to make sure that we continue to reach out to the lost. Call 1-800-NEW-LIFE, 1-800-639-5433, or newlife.com/9941. To find out more information about New Life or to order any of the resources mentioned on today's program, call 1-800-NEW-LIFE. Now back to New Life Live.

Many people feel like that one who is too broken, too addicted, or too far gone for help. But through New Life's counseling, broadcasts, events, and recovery community, they meet truth and grace instead of clichés. I want to invite you to do more than just watch or listen from a distance. Become a 99 for the 1 partner and help shoulder the cost of going after the one so there's always a place for them to land, heal, and start again.

If your heart breaks for the one, become a 99 for the 1 partner and stand in that gap. You can learn more at newlife.com/9941. And thank you for whatever you can do, your generosity really does change lives. This is New Life Live and we are in the studio a few hours every week to speak with you, but we understand that even those few hours may not work for you, so we've come up with other ways for you to get your questions to us. You can learn about them at newlife.com/radio. You can leave us a voicemail or send us an email. And that's what Donna did.

Donna's been listening to us on Sirius XM for seven years, and Donna says, "Thank you for this valuable ministry. What advice do you have for my husband who doesn't like his meds for his ADHD? My 57-year-old husband was diagnosed with ADHD about a year ago. He has two brothers and possibly a sister who suffer with the same thing.

Undoubtedly, my husband has suffered with this for many years, undiagnosed. Seems that his distress and inability to focus is getting worse and worse. He says his mind never stops and is a maze of unfinished thoughts, ideas, rehearsals of past failures, etc. He saw a local psychiatrist for an actual assessment and diagnosis and was started on Adderall.

He did not like how it made him feel and did not respect or have faith in this particular psychiatrist. His primary care physician has also tried various meds such as Lexapro, Zoloft, and Wellbutrin. None of them helped his symptoms and made him feel worse. I pray for healing for his brain, but I do believe he needs medication. He commented the other day that because of his symptoms he is finding no enjoyment in life. How do I find a skilled Christian psychiatrist in our area that can properly prescribe and follow up with him? He suffers tremendously with this and then I as well end up suffering alongside him. Any advice would be greatly appreciated." JJ, what do you say to Donna?

JJ West: Well, first Donna, I'm so sorry that both you and your husband are suffering in this way. It's so hard to even know, "Okay, we know what's wrong, we know what needs to be addressed," and yet every step we've taken, not only has it not made it better, it's actually made things worse. It's very much like that woman in the book of Luke, who she had the issue of blood and she'd gone to various physicians and it says, not only did they not solve the problem and she'd spent so much money trying to find a solution, but in fact all of their solutions made things worse.

And so this is not an uncommon thing for people to go through, but it doesn't make it any less painful for you that it is common. So first just saying that I'm so sorry that you guys are suffering in this way. Two, I don't know if we keep a referral list of Christian psychiatrists or those who can prescribe medication, but what we do have is the Christian Counselor Referral Network that you could find some Christian counselors in your area who may then be able to refer your husband to a local psychiatrist who may be able to find a different medication that works for him.

But I will say this, it's going to be a both/and. It's not just going to be medication, there needs to be also some ongoing counseling behavioral changes that he's going to need to work on to help the the medicine go hand in hand with changes that he that he makes at a behavioral level because while while medication can certainly help, it's not going to solve the problem because as he said, that that maze in his mind of all of the past failures and all of the things that still need to be done and all of the anxiety around that, that's still going to be there and so he needs to learn some techniques for how do I stay with one piece of that maze, work on that piece until it's resolved in such a way that I can then move on to the next as opposed to just continuing to spin thinking about all the things that have to happen, all the problems have to be solved and then I don't ever actually effectively work on any one of them.

Dr. Jill Hubbard: Yes, so I agree with a number of things that JJ has said. So Donna, I do think getting a second opinion about his diagnosis to make sure this is the proper diagnosis. He's tried several medications and if he's having zero effect or becoming worse, sometimes that might mean that it's a wrong diagnosis, right? We're targeting the wrong thing.

So you want to you want to make sure because if he needs a mood stabilizer, then you might be going down the wrong path with some of these other meds. That being said, okay, he's lived with this a long time and people with ADHD do learn to compensate, but there are times where you hit a ceiling and your level of compensation no longer works. And so that's where the added help of a medication can be helpful, but I agree JJ, it also needs to go along with therapy because you have to make some behavioral changes. This is ADHD is a brain disorder and so it's it's not something you can wish away.

A lot of times people see it as a personal failing, they think they're lazy and they berate themselves so there can be a lot of shame that goes along with it and that's where therapy can help to undo some of those things that are causing it to stay more ingrained and stuck. Another intervention is that dietary interventions can be helpful. A lot of people with ADHD consume a lot of caffeine to self-medicate and they consume a lot of sugar too, and so it's important to look at his diet and what if you guys made some changes there? And there are I know there are books on that about nutrition and ADHD. So there's a number of ways to tackle it and there are even ADHD support groups, believe it or not, as a way of looking at it. But I would challenge you to see some of the benefits of it as well. If this is truly his diagnosis, is he creative? How does he think differently and is he trying to fit into a world of people who are linear thinkers? He's always going to be frustrated. Highlighting some of the strengths of it and then looking at the comorbid condition of depression and anxiety that it sounds like in mid-life he's feeling discouraged and so that may be part of it as well.

JJ West: Yeah, I would just add to that because exactly Jill, what you're saying is right on, but I would add to that that there can be some contributing factors like you said, so it may be that now we're kind of in that mid-life to getting ready to possibly consider retirement and so there may be some things, some losses that he's encountered that are contributing to, that are exacerbating some of the symptoms that would otherwise be more manageable and so that's also part of why it helps to continue in ongoing therapy to help help mitigate that so we're not we're not lumping everything together and saying, "Oh, it's all a symptom of this diagnosis," whether it's ADHD or something else.

Dr. Jill Hubbard: Yeah, it could be "man-opause", right? We women go through menopause and everything we've ever felt throughout our entire lives is exacerbated during menopause, especially prior to. So men, I think, may often some have a more subtle version of it, but still man-opause could be stirring things up for him.

Brian Perez: So often we hear these terms like ADHD and narcissism and we just throw them out there without the diagnosis. We just assume people have these things, but that's why it's so important to get out and actually get evaluated.

Dr. Jill Hubbard: Yeah, and you need right. And so a second opinion is helpful and psychiatrists are good diagnosticians, so find one that you have some faith in and let him do the differential diagnosis and figure it out.

Brian Perez: And then like you said too, sometimes if that diagnosis is wrong or if the treatment isn't working, then maybe it's not what you thought. But that's sometimes how you figure it out. The meds aren't working. Okay, what are we missing here? Correct. It almost reminds me of our previous caller who tried to work the real estate and it's not quite working, but they want to stick with it. So in this case, it's something that I mean, yeah, if if the meds aren't working, then get that second opinion because you don't want to keep taking it thinking, "Well, maybe if I just take the medication longer, it'll help." It could just be the wrong diagnosis. So Donna, thanks so much for sending in your question through newlife.com/radio. And thank you for listening to us on Sirius XM Channel 131 for seven years. Thank you so much for listening to us there. We'll be right back here on New Life Live. We've got some more questions and we are here with Dr. Jill Hubbard and JJ West, so keep it right here on New Life Live. To find out more information about New Life or to order any of the resources mentioned on today's program, call 1-800-NEW-LIFE. Now back to New Life Live.

Hey, look at that! We've got another webinar on the calendar and JJ's presenting this one. It's June 11th, mark that on your calendar, set a reminder on your phone, whatever it takes, post-it notes all over the place. JJ's webinar is titled Identity in Christ: What the Bible Says, and you can get all the details about it at newlife.com. It's too bad JJ's not on the show with us today that we could ask him to give us a little bit of a sneak peek. Oh look, I hear JJ!

JJ West: Well, what do you know? Yeah, I I can't wait for the webinar, it's going to be fantastic. So often we are bombarded with messages about what where our identity comes from. We're told over and over to base our identity in really wrong places, painful places, things that let us down over and over. And so we're left with this confusion about who we are and what we're supposed to be about. And so this webinar is designed specifically for helping people understand their identity in Christ and then how that permeates all of their relationships and how they move in the world.

Brian Perez: June 11th can't come fast enough, this is going to be a great webinar. Identity in Christ: What the Bible Says. I would say too that sometimes we root our identity in good things and then when that goes away, like whether it's a marriage or a job, a profession or something, and we're so intertwined with that identity that that can lead to depression, anxiety, a bunch of things.

JJ West: Oh, you're absolutely right. It can be raising our kids, right? We have our identity based in that and then the kid graduates and leaves home and it's like, "Oh, now what? What's my life?" How dare they! I know, right? So wrong. We've spent all this time!

Brian Perez: So find out about this webinar at newlife.com. You can call us at 1-800-NEW-LIFE as well. And it's June 11th, plenty of time to sign up and we will give you more information about it. We'll send you those reminders here on New Life Live so that you can sign up, but just just do it now. To the phones, Judy in Albany, New York, listening on WJIV. Looks like you have a comment about something that you heard on Tuesday's show. Go ahead, Judy.

Judy: The lady that was speaking to the caller, she had her, I think it was her father-in-law or somebody that was always doing things that weren't appropriate, hugging her front-to-front and stuff like that. And the lady that works at the radio station says, "Well, would you be comfortable just side-by-side?" And I felt like that put this person in an awkward position, so she said, "Well, yeah, I guess so."

I am totally against that because it's either all or nothing. I've been abused for I didn't even realize how long. I mean, I was married for 27 years and for a year and a half my husband was cheating on me and then he left. He said, "I don't love you anymore, I just love the kids." And that was a long time ago and I finally can talk decent to his wife. He's still a fool and my kids are grown, married, college, the whole nine yards. Whatever. And they have children and everything.

In the very beginning when he left, my husband my son was about to go away to college for the first time in his life to be away. And he said that he didn't want his father coming with us just to get him set up. He said he wanted his uncle who I'm very close to. When I kind of am talking in the wrong order, but when I got into the family and I was I was with my to-be husband for probably a year or two and then I get in the family and his father would always come in the kitchen when I'm alone doing the dishes, everybody's in the living room, and he hits me on the butt all the time.

People say, "Oh, that's no big, that's no big deal, that's no big deal." And I'm like, "Well, what about your daughter? If it was your daughter getting hit like that, it's not just a little thing." And then he would say dirty, dirty things to me. He would call me up and tell me that make sure I'm doing what my husband wants me to do. And I mean, really bad stuff. And then I don't even know if I'd be permitted to say this, but well, he's he was an alcoholic too and you know, he always had wise things to say, wisecracks. And it just seemed like there was nobody for me, you know?

And he came over to our house and I told my husband, "Please go tell him not to come in, lock the door or something," and he didn't. He just sat at the table because it was supper time. And then this gentleman, if you want to call him that, he came right through the door and I wanted the door to be locked so he couldn't. And he brought in some tickets that he was selling for my son. And my husband stood up to him for this and said, "I don't want you going representing the boys in your condition." And that's all my husband said. So then my father-in-law said, "Well, I wouldn't have come over, but I've been trying to get a hold of you on the phone for ever." And then I kind of smirked and then I looked at the phone and he saw that the phone was off the hook and he says, my father-in-law said, "I ought to take this phone and..."

Dr. Jill Hubbard: Judy, you have been through so, so much. And I can certainly understand why you took my comment to be hurtful in a sense because yeah, your father-in-law was beyond inappropriate and no one stood up for you. I think in the situation of the caller, it was not anyone related to her. It was a man in her life group and we were talking about taking some first steps to see if this man could get back in line with being more appropriate. But that's certainly we're talking first steps, and certainly if that man would not continue to be appropriate, then more steps would need to be taken and for her husband to advocate for her, which sounds like your husband, especially because of family dynamics, was not able to advocate for you. He could advocate for his son, but not for you, and that is so, so hurtful.

JJ West: Yeah, and what you described, Judy, is the need to have good healthy boundaries for yourself. And certainly, Jill would agree with this, I would say this, Brian would agree with this, that with any caller that calls in, we would and you would say, Judy, it's important that you have good healthy boundaries for yourself regardless of how the other person responds or takes it or if they feel bad or, "I didn't mean it that way." It doesn't matter. Ultimately, you're responsible for making sure that you have healthy boundaries so that others are not abusing you. And so I'm so glad, Judy, that you're no longer in that situation. But like Jill said, I really am sad to hear that there weren't people standing up for you, advocating for you. But this much I do know, that that's God's role with us. That God advocates for us. That God says, "This is my child. This is one that I love and I died for, and so I am wanting them to have life." And so he stands as a shield against the attacks of the enemy in our life. And I hope, Judy, that you continue to experience God that way because you have been horribly, horribly mistreated by your ex-father-in-law and husband too.

Brian Perez: Judy, just for calling us today, we want to send you a registration for the webinar that JJ's hosting in June. It's called Identity in Christ: What the Bible Says. I think you'll benefit from it. Anyone else who wants to purchase it, go to newlife.com to find out more. Have a great weekend, guys. We'll see you at church on Sunday and talk to you on Monday.

New Life: Thanks so much for listening. We hope something you heard will help you live in freedom today. If this content was helpful for you, we would love it if you would take a minute, leave a review, post about it, and rate it. Remember, we have resources and workshops online for you as you continue your journey. Go to newlife.com to find out more information and thank you for being part of the New Life community. We know that God desires all of us to live a life of wholeness and healing and we're so glad that you're along for the ride.