New Life LIVE

New Life Announcer: Welcome to the New Life LIVE podcast. We hope to provide help and hope in your life through God's word, counselors, and psychologists as we answer questions from listeners who call with the challenges of life. Let's go to today's episode.

Brian Perez: We're so glad you've joined us today. You are in for a treat. You're going to learn so much today. We make learning a treat here at New Life LIVE. I'm Brian and we've got the dynamic duo of Mark Cameron and Dr. Jim Burns on the show today. Dr. Jim is the founder of Homeword. Mark is a licensed marriage and family therapist, author of a great read, Understanding Your Attachment Style. Jim, what's on your mind to start us off today?

Dr. Jim Burns: For one thing, I love that book. I've said in a previous program that I just bought two of them. He's costing me money. I take notes on Mark, so I'm always thrilled when I get to be with Mark. This is a great day.

In a previous show, Mark talked about adult children, and I'm going to go that way. But pretty much anytime a loved one strays, there are some things we have to be careful with. I'm going to use the word discipline today. We have to develop the discipline to connect with them, especially when they've strayed, when they've violated values, when they've walked away from faith, when they've walked away from us. Even if we're in estrangement, we have to have the discipline to connect.

In a previous show, I quoted a scripture from Paul to Timothy: discipline yourself for the purpose of godliness. As a parent, especially of an adult child, you move from one of authority to guidance, where you're offering support and wisdom. I actually think the best relationships with our adult children are when we can become a mentor and an influencer, and that's quite a transition.

I'm going to tell a story about a woman who didn't do it right. She probably had the right intentions. She definitely had a desire to have her son make some good choices. She was desperate and she was parenting out of fear instead of real logic or even a biblical answer. Her approach, well-intentioned, used negativity, criticism, guilt trips, lectures, blame, and emotional pressure. That's not going to work with an adult child. It's not going to work with any loved one. Guilt trips don't work. I've tried them, and they don't work.

She sent three texts. Not a smart move to ever have intense discussions through text. She sent them to her son, to the son's girlfriend who he's living with, and to the mother of the girlfriend. Not a good idea. I'm going to read the texts.

To her son, she said, "I can't believe you are throwing your life away. Your father and I have given you so much and we have sacrificed our lives for you. You are ungrateful. You don't return my text or my phone messages. Why are you doing this to me?" She turned it into about her. That didn't work well.

To the girlfriend, she wrote, "My son deserves better. You've taken him down a slippery road. I can't see how this is going to last." To the girlfriend's mother, she wrote, "How dare you allow my son and your daughter to live together in your house? You are even charging him rent. I don't trust you."

Mark Cameron: If there's ever a recipe way to blow up a relationship, that is it. We've got to understand what is triggering in us because there was this inability to be able to tolerate a difference. Even though she felt like it was wrong and biblically it may have been, I heard this wise advice one time that as we go through parenting, we go from teacher to coach and then eventually to counselor/friend where our kids then come to us.

Brian Perez: Sarah and Kathleen, you're coming up on New Life LIVE. To find more information about New Life or to order any of the resources mentioned on today's program, call 1-800-NEW-LIFE. Now back to New Life LIVE. Kathleen, we're going to talk to you in just a moment. First, let's go to Sarah, who listens to us in Memphis, Tennessee. Hi there, Sarah. Thanks for calling New Life LIVE.

Sarah: Hello. I have a friend who has a family member who somehow gets custody of their family members. But then when she gets them, she doesn't communicate prior to. She isolates them. She doesn't feel like they need to go to counseling. It's just horrible. They want to see their family members, but this person will not allow it to happen. She doesn't want counseling, doesn't want anyone to come to the home. We just don't know what to do with this person.

Brian Perez: Is this custody of kids?

Sarah: One is a child and two are senior citizens.

Brian Perez: Why is she getting custody of them? Are they in a dangerous situation?

Sarah: They are physically unable to care for themselves.

Brian Perez: You usually hear it differently. Usually you hear them go, "We need some help here." So what's the story behind the story, Sarah, in your mind? Why are they doing that?

Sarah: Money. They really fear they're going to lose the money. They claim that everybody in the family has mental issues but her. She's claiming that the family hires kidnappers, with no evidence of that. I think this person tries to destroy her family by destroying the family's character and she's the only one that is capable of doing the care.

Brian Perez: What's your involvement in this? You said a friend, but tell me your involvement. Why call on this in your own life?

Sarah: Those people that are being secluded are a part of my family. I'm real close family.

Brian Perez: Do the other family members have the same intensity that you have on it? I wonder if they could go to court to try to change this situation.

Sarah: People see a problem, but they just ignore it until something drastic happens. Two of the people, the two seniors, one has recently been diagnosed with cancer. The other one has dementia, who's deteriorating, bedridden now, can't walk or anything. That to me has been very personal. It's a sibling that has another sibling and my mother.

The sibling says they don't want anyone at the house. As far as I know, they have just tried to destroy. The person has taken me to court for domestic violence, which I don't even live in the state. She lost that case. It just appears to me that she tries to destroy everybody but she's the good girl. She does a lot of posting to get people to accept the fact that she's really doing a good job caring for them by cooking, and she'll show that she has bathed them and put them to bed.

A social worker did go by and she sent a letter back to the court and said there's plenty of food, everybody was clean, and there was plenty of lotion. That's what's in her notes.

Mark Cameron: It sounds like she's documenting on social media and then also building a positivity campaign for herself of "look at what I'm doing." I think if I heard you correctly, Sarah, you did reveal this: that one of the members is your mother who is living in this home. Was that right?

Sarah: Yes. I just went up there and I stayed at the hospital for a week with her. This particular sister goes into hibernation whenever I come to town anyway. But I did catch her in the room once and she left. I suppose she was back at court trying to get guardianship. Anyway, when I left, the next thing we know, she says they don't want Mom to live alone, which is okay. Mom shouldn't have been living alone before she was diagnosed. She said the only place for her to go was my house or a nursing home.

Mark Cameron: This is a difficult situation. I agree with Jim here. The first thing that you want to do in any of these situations, especially if someone is a family member, is to try and go the route that is least conflictual. Try and invite someone and say, "Hey, I want to sit down with you. I want to help support you. I'm wondering if you feel threatened financially and I just want to let you know that I'm here to support and I love Mom and the other family members and I want to be able to see them."

I think that's the first way to go. You may have done that already. For you, because there are legal constraints here, you have to work within those legal constraints. That may be going to court to say, "Hey, my mother is being withheld from me," and the judge may be sympathetic to your cause in that case.

Dr. Jim Burns: You might have an advocate with that social worker because the social worker went and visited and said there's plenty of food and lotion. But the point being is if you have that conversation with the social worker, they may be your advocate to say, "Hey, this is your mom. It's not like you're trying to change a whole lot of things, you'd just like to see her."

The social worker may be able to talk some sense into the caretaker as well to say, "The case was lost about you doing domestic violence, so I see a real opening there." When we're talking about a court, you may have the court and that social worker willing to allow you to make visits. I can't understand that that's not available to you.

Mark Cameron: I wondered too if some of this could be also financially motivated if she's in charge of your mom's will and those decisions. She could bias that toward her.

Brian Perez: Sarah, thanks for your phone call today. Let's talk to Kathleen in Philadelphia. Hello.

Kathleen: Hello. Hi. Can you hear me okay? I'll just quickly jump in. I have a younger sister that was hit by a car on Christmas Day 2023. It's been a whirlwind. We thought she was going to die for that first month. We prayed, and she lived. I never expected what I have now. We had her at home for about a year and a half. There was an opportunity to put her in a neuro rehab, a residential home that is exclusively for people with traumatic brain injuries.

She was a lot of work. She almost got scammed twice. She was calling sex websites in the middle of the night. She got weed one time given to her. It was a lot, the year and a half we had her. She's in the home. Her health has plummeted. Now she's bad and my heart is breaking because I love her. She's asking I handle her money. We're trying to make a very wise decision. Do we bring her back home?

The relationship I have and dealing with her is very stressful. It's been great to put her in that home, but now my heart's breaking to see how bad her health is. She's put on about 100 pounds. It's just a lot. Just last night she asked me for $300 and I said, "I'm not giving it to you until I find out for what." Well, she has a man that wants to come here from Africa and he needs $300. She doesn't recognize she's being scammed.

What is my role? Do we bring her back? I know this is a big question that I can't get answered in a 15-minute call. My heart, I know I'm called as a believer to love and to take care of and be uncomfortable. But how much do I do when she's making these lousy decisions?

Brian Perez: This is such a difficult situation. This is really a tragedy that you're talking about, this car accident and then this traumatic brain injury. What does your husband say? I'm assuming here that you're married.

Kathleen: No, I'm a widow. I lost my husband in 2020. When I say "we," it's a family. My older brother and I have an older sister. I do most of the management of her care now, but I do have my siblings to bounce off of ideas of what we can do with her.

Brian Perez: Do they live close to you?

Kathleen: My brother, for the year and a half she was living in my brother's home, I would go every day to help take care of her. It was a perfect scenario because I worked for my brother, but now I have a different job. It's not as easy. We had our niece doing all the caretaking; she's now got a job. It's an ugly mess. If it's the Lord wanting me to, I would bring her back home. I wish he'd send me an email and just tell me what to do.

Brian Perez: Sometimes we all wish that. The good news here, if there is good news, is it sounds like you have family support. It's not just you. There are other people who are willing to be involved. I think what I would do if I were you is I would let this be a family decision. Don't take this on by yourself. It can be very stressful. In a tragedy, everybody loses. That's the really unfortunate thing about a tragedy.

In this situation, we don't want you to continue to lose. I would make it be a family decision. You guys come together as a family and talk about the costs and the benefits to doing this and how each of you are going to support one another, whether she stays with one sibling or rotates or whatever it is, and what you guys can put in place to keep her safe. Safety is the number one priority. I understand that she's putting on weight and health is declining, but in therapy, safety always trumps everything else.

Dr. Jim Burns: Are you in alignment with your brother and sister in terms of these decisions?

Kathleen: Yes. We actually did have a family meeting. We all had our piece of what we're going to each do. Can we find a healthcare company? I'm going to do the money situation, and someone else was going to take a different part of it.

Dr. Jim Burns: The question that your family has to decide is what is best for her. Sometimes what's best for her is not what she wants. That's a great question to ask as a family: what is best? And then what Mark said: we have decided. Unfortunately, it's a tragedy. Unfortunately, it's a terrible accident. With brain injury, sometimes there's great news, but sometimes it's a long-lasting issue. Frankly, sometimes they're better off living some place else with a loving family like yourselves. That's your family decision. Stay in alignment. That's great news.

Brian Perez: We'll come back here on New Life LIVE. We also want to talk to Keith and Melissa. Stand by. To find more information about New Life or to order any of the resources mentioned on today's program, call 1-800-NEW-LIFE. Now back to New Life LIVE. Keith and Melissa coming right up, but first, I think Mark, you wanted to say something.

Mark Cameron: I just had a thought about that tension between when we don't know what the Lord wants us to do. Jesus said ask, seek, knock. Sometimes when we don't know what to do, we pray, and then we can say to the Lord, "Lord, I don't know what the right thing to do is, so I'm going to try this. If this is not right, please close the door and show me the way here." Sometimes that's the tension of what we have to live with. You've just got to try something out and if you pray and you're open to correction and redirection, I believe the Lord will provide that answer.

Dr. Jim Burns: I actually have a very close family member who's in an institution because of a similar thing. As a family, we talked about what is best. We ended up bringing medical people in and they said, "To be honest, what's best is for you all to show love, but they need the medical care in this facility." We ended up going against this person's hope. He wanted to move in with a daughter.

The daughter couldn't have handled it. It's probably the best and the daughter is great at going and visiting and we all go and visit and do that kind of a thing. But sometimes the medical world will give you that insight. God will open up what the medical world said. We didn't ask that question, but that'd be interesting.

Mark Cameron: Sometimes the most loving thing is not what they want, and sometimes the most loving thing is not what you want.

Brian Perez: This is New Life LIVE. New Life courses are starting up again first week of May. If you want to be starting some life change, we've got three 12-week courses for you to choose from. These are online, meeting for an hour a week over Zoom, led by a counselor and designed to help you move forward with clarity, support, and biblical truth no matter where you feel stuck.

Healing is a Choice will help you find freedom from emotional pain and past wounds. Take Your Life Back is for breaking unhealthy patterns and reclaiming control of your life. Lose It For Life will give you the tools necessary to develop a healthy relationship with food and your body because it's not about what you're eating, but about what's eating you. Get all the details on these courses and register at newlife.com. Keith in Birmingham, Alabama, watching us on YouTube. Hi there, Keith. Thanks for calling in today.

Keith: Hi. Thank you for taking my call. I'm just trying to get some godly and behavioral insight as to maybe what my wife may be experiencing. We dated for 10 years, married for two years. It's both of our second marriages. But just recently we went out to dinner and things were going well. Then out of the blue, she mentioned a female employee of mine that I had recently terminated for cause.

She asked me why did I not tell her or why did I portray the employee as not being attractive. I didn't really mention whether or not the employee was attractive or not, but I did mention that we were having some issues with her being disrespectful. At that one particular time that she was disrespectful, we ended up having to let her go.

Well, to come find out, my wife had went on her social media page and said, "I think the woman is nice looking, has a nice body." I believe that from the way she was acting on her social media page, she's probably all in your face and you're not setting the appropriate boundaries and that's a problem. There's really nothing to substantiate the claims that I feel that I've done. I go to work, come home, we go out, we date.

But I did notice that too she's had several bouts of employment where she's had some relational issues as well as members in my family. I have four daughters; the oldest and youngest she does have a positive relationship with. The other two she doesn't. My oldest granddaughter, she embraces her, but there's some reservation about my older granddaughter because my older granddaughter has never figured out exactly what to call her, so she just feels maybe targeted. It's causing me really to walk on hot coals, so to speak. I try to live a godly life, but this is very mentally and emotionally taxing and disappointing.

Brian Perez: What have you tried so far, Keith? Have you tried to have a conversation, sit down, couples therapy?

Keith: We went through the couples therapy prior to marriage. There was one bout where before we were married, she didn't feel like I was giving her what she needed emotionally.

Brian Perez: But to deal with this issue in particular, have you tried to address it at all?

Keith: We did in the premarital counseling. We talked about issues we have with communication, blended family things. But she didn't do a whole lot of revealing. I did a lot of talking about my past and my childhood.

Brian Perez: Keith, we've got to come up to a break, so stay on the phone and we'll continue our conversation with you and Melissa and everyone else who calls in to us this hour here on New Life LIVE. I'm your host, Brian Perez, here with Dr. Jim Burns and licensed marriage and family therapist Mark Cameron, who's also written a book that you can pick up in the newlife.com store. It's called Understanding Your Attachment Style. We will be right back here on New Life LIVE. Thanks for watching and listening.

Becky Brown: Hello, it's Becky Brown and I am so excited to launch our 99 for the 1 partner initiative. Every day we hear from people all over the world who are looking for hope. They've been lost in a relationship struggle, addiction, anxiety, depression, all kinds of ways, and it reminds us of the story in Luke 15 where the shepherd leaves the 99 to go rescue the one. We've seen God work in the lives of so many people over the years here at New Life and we want to invite you to be part of what God is doing. 99 for the 1 is our partner program that you can give to the ministry on a monthly basis to make sure that we continue to reach out to the lost. Call 1-800-NEW-LIFE or newlife.com/99for1.

New Life Announcer: To find more information about New Life or to order any of the resources mentioned on today's program, call 1-800-NEW-LIFE. Now back to New Life LIVE.

Brian Perez: Melissa, you're coming right up, but first we wanted to clear something up with Keith. What was your question, Mark?

Mark Cameron: Keith, did you say it's your wife who's had past relational issues at work or the employee that you terminated?

Keith: It was my wife, as well as relationships within my family and people that I tried to introduce her to.

Mark Cameron: This is interesting because you've terminated this employee who she thinks is very attractive. You didn't promote her to a level that she's going to be in greater connection with you, so it's interesting that she's fixating upon her looks now that she's been terminated here. I wonder if she suspects something happened prior to the termination. Whenever somebody overreacts, it's typically because there's a deep insecurity there.

You may have heard this phrase before: if it's hysterical, it's historical. It sounds like there's a background history and a trauma reaction happening here. History is the biggest influencer of current behavior because we are experiential beings. We learn. We can't just have an experience and then forget it the next day and go ahead and be like, "Oh, this is brand new to me." No, our past experiences influence our current behavior.

We form neural pathways and our brain forms shortcuts. Now you're revealing something here that is curious: that you dated for 10 years—that's a whole lot of time to date for—but in that time, you did some premarital counseling probably not too long before you got married. You noticed that she wasn't very forthcoming in sharing and you were. Every marriage has a core pattern, meaning there's a predictable way that conflict or communication and even intimacy plays out between two people.

That's heavily influenced by people's attachment styles. If you understand attachment, you'll see Milan and Kay Yerkovich write about this in their book How We Love. When two different attachment styles come together, it actually produces a predictable core pattern that plays out. The way to interrupt that is to learn how to earn a secure attachment style, which is what I talk about in my book, Understanding Your Attachment Style.

But there's the way that you can do this work together. Milan and Kay outline a process called the Comfort Circle. Being able to take a listener/speaker role and learning how to stay regulated within that role to hear one another's thoughts and feelings and history of experiences of why they have been shaped in a certain way and why they may be having current feelings and reactions.

If that can be done in a safe structure, I understand that some people struggle to speak in a way that engages someone to listen or listen in a way that encourages someone to speak. But that's what the Comfort Circle does: it exposes the great exposer of all of these things. Then we need to learn how do we regulate and practice the different ways that we struggle here. I probably would say get into couples counseling again if she's willing and find somebody who takes an attachment-based approach.

Explore this issue further, but don't fixate just on the issue. What's the history of experience behind it? Because yes, the reaction could be an overreaction, but there's a reason behind it. If you can understand that and have empathy toward that and she can understand that and see it, then healing can occur.

Dr. Jim Burns: Keith, I love the fact that you're continuing to date. You're in what I call the first few years of marriage. In the first few years of marriage, we have to learn how to communicate. We have to learn how to navigate. Now you add the blended family situation and there's still a lot of learning process. I'm with Mark. I think I would suggest strongly that this would be a great time to be involved with a counselor, therapist, or coach who can help you two navigate.

A counselor can sometimes bring out more from your spouse than you can. They're gifted people who can do that because there are some things you want to get to. That good counselor will help you get to a place where you can pick apart. You went kind of all over the place with this woman who was released from your job, to your family, to the blended family, to the daughters. In a good relationship, you pick those one at a time and you start working through them.

You're going to get five steps forward and three steps backward sometimes. But in the long run, you can win by being in some type of a counseling relationship, especially in those first few years. Nobody gets this right. Even though you dated 10 years, which is probably another story I'd be interested in why 10 years, but even when you're in the first few years, you learn so much more about this person. That's what you learned here.

This threw you. This surprised you. But it's not going to surprise a counselor. A counselor's going to say, "Well, let's look at this. What motivated you to be very upset about this to your wife? What motivated you to be upset about this when there are these other things going on too?" Begin to look for those patterns. I love the hysterical/historical; I had not heard that. So there's something in her back history that might give you great insight on why she's acting the way she's acting. Same with her for you, too, in terms of your back history.

Brian Perez: We also recommend that you and your wife attend the Intimacy and Marriage Intensive. That's coming up in July in Washington D.C., so check that out. You can get the details about it at newlife.com/imi. You can also call 1-800-NEW-LIFE. I think it'll be great; you'll see the Comfort Circle there in action on the stage. You can also find out about the Comfort Circle in the book How We Love, which is available for purchase in the newlife.com store.

If you have a heart for helping the hurting, becoming a 99 for the 1 partner is a great way to make a real impact. When someone reaches out to New Life, it's often a moment of deep crisis. 99 for the 1 partners make it possible for help to be available consistently, not just occasionally, but every day. Their monthly support sustains the core of New Life's ministry, including the radio program and podcast you're watching or listening to right now, recovery groups, counseling, intensives, and courses.

You can learn more about how 99 for the 1 partners make a difference at newlife.com/99for1. Thank you so much for praying for the folks who call in to New Life LIVE and share their deep, dark, painful personal struggles. So far this week, we've heard from Yvonne, Vern, Leann, Sarah, Kathleen, Keith, so many others. Right now, we're going to talk to Melissa. Thank you for calling into New Life LIVE, Melissa. How can we help you?

Melissa: Thank you for taking my call. I've been seeing my psychologist for over 20 years and I've been married for over 42 years. My husband and my counselor do not want me to have a relationship with my mom and brother and sister because of being narcissistic and toxic to me. I was diagnosed as being bipolar when I was 21 and just turned 60 on March 6th. I am stable on my medication for many years.

When I talk to her, they tear me down and my mother said she doesn't believe I am bipolar; I just use it to get what I want when it suits. That's what she said on the phone with my counselor and my husband and my mom. I've always felt like the black sheep in the family of six kids. Not having a relationship really hurts me. Even not having a relationship now even hurts more because I lost my sister Mal last January 4th—she was 57—and my dad on February 1st—he was 93.

Giving hope to the hurting through sharing God's word is my trying to break the stigma of bipolar and living in freedom; it's my mission in life through Facebook and stuff like that. But there's a money issue involved with my brother. Sunday, my daughter-in-law is having a baby shower and I will see them there at my mom's baby shower. After that, I was going to meet with them, my brother and my mom, at a hotel that's neutral, right by where the shower's going to be at a church.

What's your opinion as far as how I should handle it? I text her and let her know that I was going to bring the documentation as far as how much we owed them because they bought into our home for $50,000. Then he didn't have money, so we downed it, and it was $40,000. So we gave him a check a couple months ago for $40,000 and he didn't cash it, so we just canceled it. Now it's a lot less than that because we helped keep him out of jail. It's a lot; there's a lot to the story. I know that he's not going to be happy with the amount now because it's much less than $40,000 and things could get ugly.

Brian Perez: Is this your brother?

Melissa: Yes. He's bipolar too but never been diagnosed.

Brian Perez: We've got to come up to our break now, but stay on the phone and we'll continue our conversation with you when we come back here on New Life LIVE. Thanks so much for watching and listening today and for sharing about our ministry with your friends. Sometimes someone will come to you and they'll share some personal struggle they're going through and you're not sure how to help them; just tell them about us at newlife.com. 1-800-NEW-LIFE is our phone number too.

New Life Announcer: To find more information about New Life or to order any of the resources mentioned on today's program, call 1-800-NEW-LIFE. Now back to New Life LIVE.

Brian Perez: We're back to Melissa. You still with us, Melissa?

Melissa: Yes, I am.

Brian Perez: What would you guys suggest to Melissa? Or do you have any questions for her?

Dr. Jim Burns: Melissa, I wanted to get some clarification because again your therapist is saying don't meet with them and yet you're—and sometimes therapists do that fine and other times I question it—but tell me why you're meeting them over a financial issue only. The financial issue only, they're all going to meet with you on that? So there's really one topic; it's not the other issues. You're going to be focused on that one issue of finances.

Melissa: Yes. And I have a call into Brenda, my counselor, and she doesn't know about the meeting on Sunday so I'm going to get her personal opinion whether I should meet with them or what I should do. She doesn't know about this yet.

Dr. Jim Burns: If you do have that meeting, how comfortable are you with only talking about the finances and being super logical, even though there's emotions to this like crazy? But this is a business meeting in some ways. Unfortunately, in some relationships we have to have business meetings. Is it spelled out really clearly what you and your husband believe is the right number and you're doing the right thing? Is that spelled out really clearly, almost in writing?

Melissa: It will be in writing.

Dr. Jim Burns: And are you calling partly because you're concerned about how this is going to go?

Melissa: Yeah, because I don't want it to turn into a fighting match. As every time, just when I talked to my mom when my dad passed away, his birthday was on the 30th of March, she was very cold to me, wanted to know what was going on with Greg's money. I said I forgot the documentation when we came to Daytona Beach, so as soon as we get back, we'll straighten it all out. I said "I love you" when I went to hang up and she didn't even say "I love you."

Brian Perez: Now why is your mom going to be there? This is a meeting between you and your brother that you owe him money. Why is Mom going to be there?

Melissa: He's living with my mom now since my Dad passed. He doesn't really have a place to live. He was arrested for things in his younger years and was in jail.

Brian Perez: So he's living with her, but he's how old? He's an adult.

Melissa: Sixty.

Brian Perez: So why is Mom going to be there? He's living with Mom, that's where he lives. She's not his lawyer. Why is she going to be involved in this meeting?

Melissa: Well, my sister would be there too, but she's going to be out of town. She's a real piece of work, but she won't be there. He's had a brain injury from a car accident.

Brian Perez: Okay, so they're his advocate. Okay, so that makes more sense now to understand this. If you've got documentation, it sounds like it was clear what he paid to you, and if you have all the documentation of what you've paid back to him, then like Jim said, the facts speak for themselves here. He may be unhappy with that, but he may not realize that. If he's got a traumatic brain injury, it may be hard for him to process that.

Again, if your mom's there and she's aligned with him against you, it might be difficult for her to be able to process that too. I would just be very matter-of-fact. Let the facts speak for themselves. But I would also plan an exit for yourself too. If it doesn't go in a healthy, productive way, then here's my exit and then I hand you the paper that shows all of the calculations and/or the check with it.

Dr. Jim Burns: I would have a couple of plans to this meeting. But I would lead with, "This could be an easy meeting; this could be complicated. I just want you to know that I love you guys and we've done some documentation here. But if it gets where we're going tit-for-tat at each other, then I don't think the best thing for us is to have this meeting. Are you guys okay with that?"

Whatever they say. Basically what you're saying to them is if this goes sideways, we'll hand you the documentation and we'll talk about this in another time. I understand that she's involved because she's the advocate for your brain-injured brother. That's hard. You're really negotiating with her more than with him. Why didn't he cash that check, the $40,000?

Melissa: Because he felt it should have been $50,000.

Dr. Jim Burns: Understood. Okay, so you already are going into this with a difference of opinion on money.

Melissa: So now that he didn't take the $40,000, we deducted the seven months he lived at our place in Daytona Beach and now it's down to $28,000 because the money was in a trust and the government got a hold of it now and took another $12,000 from it, so it's down to $17,000.

The reason why I'm doing this is because we have two sons, 29 and 26, and they believe what goes around comes around and I want to be a testimony, I want to leave a legacy for our children and do the right thing. Because I blocked them from my phone, Michelle, my sister, is the one she's bugging Nick about it. Nick shouldn't even be involved in this; it's not fair. Nick doesn't want to be involved in this.

Brian Perez: He's an adult here. I know he's a young adult, and so all you can do is coach him to be able to put healthy boundaries in place. I don't know if I necessarily agree with "what goes around comes around" in the sense of karma, but I definitely believe that people create patterns and patterns tend to repeat. If we can see the pattern, then we can interrupt it and stop it from repeating.

If it was very clear before that you would be charging him rent for the time that he stayed with you, especially if you have that documented, then I think things are very clear. I love how Jim said it, a fantastic way to set it up and then leave it in the sense of not like "here it is, deal with it" but "we'll have to talk about this at another time." To a certain degree, I think if your mom is mean toward you, if she doesn't believe that you have bipolar, if you know that your brother most likely is struggling with bipolar and a traumatic brain injury and your sister is mean too.

Sometimes that happens. Sometimes we've also got to look at why am I struggling with multiple people, is there something about me? I'm not suggesting that is the case here; I'm just saying it's healthy to be able to self-reflect and do that. But sometimes we just got to grieve the loss of "I have a difference of opinion with this person, here's what I truly believe, here's what I believe is fair," and sadly they don't see it the same way as me, but this is what I'm willing to do.

Dr. Jim Burns: I want to go back to the documentation. If you made a switch here in terms of the cost because you're willing to pay $40,000 and he thought it was $50,000, but now it's a lot less, if he signed a paper that he was going to pay rent or any of that kind of thing, have that. If not, you're going to have a pretty big disagreement with them if you are assuming something that they did not believe was the way it was going to happen.

Brian Perez: Melissa, thanks for calling us today. We're just about done with today's show. Let me remind you about the moving sale that's happening right now in the newlife.com store. We're trying to clear warehouse inventory; we don't want to pack it all up and then unpack it at the new place. This means you get great prices, as low as a dollar on resources to help your spiritual and personal growth. Look, Jim is on his phone. He's heading to the newlife.com store right now.

Dr. Jim Burns: I'm ordering more of Mark's books. I think I can get it cheaper there than what I paid for it.

Brian Perez: Hurry though, because once these items are gone, they are gone. Check it out at newlife.com, click on the store and then click on the moving sale banner. Stock up on resources for gifts or maybe people that you meet that you might be able to hand them a book as you let them know about New Life Ministries. God bless you guys. We'll talk to you tomorrow here on New Life LIVE. Thanks for watching and listening.

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