New Life LIVE

Guest (Male): Welcome to the New Life Live podcast. We hope to provide help and hope in your life through God's Word, counselors, and psychologists as we answer questions from listeners who call with the challenges of life. Let's go to today's episode.

New Life: Well hi everyone, welcome once again to New Life Live. We're going to be in the studio for two hours today, so start calling now. 1-800-229-3000 is the number to call. If you think you've tried everything but nothing seems to work, try us. 1-800-229-3000 is the number.

Answering your questions today, we've got Sherry Denham-Keffer. She's a doctor of marriage and family therapy. And the president is in town, the president of New Life Ministries, that is. She's also a licensed professional clinical counselor, Becky Brown. Welcome to town.

Sherry Denham-Keffer: Thank you. I wore purple today just because I was going to be here so I needed to have some royalty colors.

Becky Brown: Thank you. I'm so happy to be here in the room where it happens. It's funny that you were just talking about being stuck or if there's something that we need to do. I came across a meme that says sometimes casting your cares looks like calling a therapist or a radio show or going to a group.

It's based off of that passage in 1 Peter 5:7. The New Living Translation says give all your worries and cares to God for He cares about you. The NIV says cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you. I just discovered the Y'all version Bible app. My Texas friends will appreciate this. That version says cast all y'all's worries on Him because He cares for y'all.

I just love that because a lot of us are walking around with a lot of worries, a lot of things on our mind and our heart. There's a lot of us that are believers that carry that inside of us and we forget that the God of all creation, the God that loves you, is working on your behalf. Taking a step into a direction, whether it's calling us at 1-800-229-3000 or maybe it's calling us to get to a therapist or maybe sharing with a friend.

I've heard it said many times in the neuroscience that naming it is halfway towards the solution. So many of us live in a cloud of confusion and of worries and we get weighed down. When you think about casting your care, we think about oh, we'll just throw it over there and we're not going to worry about it. If you're like me, it doesn't go very far because it stays inside of us.

But what I want to say to you today, if this is something that you're doing, that you recognize that the worries are crowding your life, the anxiety has kicked in, maybe the first step is to call us. I would say it is. But also identify what the concerns are. We all have a lot going on. I heard another saying, I'm the queen of bumper stickers, I love all of that. I always say life be lifing, but God be Goding.

God is a God of second chances, third chances. He wants you to be redeemed and transformed. He uses people and He uses ministries like New Life to help you. I know there's a lot of people that are listening that have had help because of what we've done or maybe they've just been listening a long time and they think one day I'm going to call. I want today to be the day.

New Life: 1-800-229-3000 is the number. By the way, Becky, you might have a rental car right now. Don't put any bumper stickers on the rental car. I don't think they would like that.

Becky Brown: No, it's an Uber. The Uber might want a bumper sticker.

Sherry Denham-Keffer: Check your bumper, sir. Check your bumper.

New Life: Give us a call. We're going to be in the studio for two hours today. 1-800-229-3000. If you've never called in before but you've always wanted to call in, we get those all the time. Longtime listeners, first-time callers. Today could be the day of breakthrough for you. You've heard everyone else get a breakthrough. Now it's your turn.

So call in. If you're watching on Facebook and YouTube, you're welcome to call as well. 1-800-229-3000 with Dr. Sherry Denham-Keffer and Becky Brown for two hours today. Call in. We're going to hear from Janet first.

Guest (Male): To find out more information about New Life or to order any of the resources mentioned on today's program, call 1-800-NEW-LIFE. Now back to New Life Live.

New Life: Another way you might be listening right now is on the New Life app. We love that. It's an easy way to listen wherever you are, whenever it's convenient. We'd love to hear your questions too, so give us a call at 1-800-229-3000. We're going to be here for two hours today.

So much to learn for the next two hours, not just about the Y'all Bible and the Pigeon Bible. There are just so many ways to read God's Word nowadays and we're so grateful for that. Let's go to the phones. Here is Janet. She's listening on newlife.com in Philadelphia. Hi Janet, welcome to New Life Live.

Janet: Hi Brian. Good to see you. I'm watching you on Facebook with the volume off. Wave to Janet since she's watching us on YouTube. Hi there, Janet. Now I see all three of you, so this is really cool. And I got to say hi again to Becky and Sherry. This is the first time I can remember talking to you and seeing any of you at the same time, so this is really great.

New Life: We're glad you called.

Janet: I'm interacting with you guys live. Anyway, I have what I think is probably the best testimony that I've ever called in with. Becky, do you recognize my voice because I have the memorable voice of panic, Janet.

Becky Brown: But see, you've got a great testimony, Janet, so you don't sound anything like the old Janet, right?

New Life: Wait, Memorable Voice of Panic, MVP. That's not what MVP stands for though, so let's write that down. So I'm calling now as your MVP calling. What's going on? What's the news?

Janet: The timeline is I discovered an extramarital affair of my husband's in January 2024. Went to Restore first and then went to a Marriage Intensive in DC. Those were all great in proper order. We've been in counseling since February of 2025, so we had a whole year there to have nothing going on and just suffer and not get full disclosure until February 2025.

Now we're into another year, February 2026 just passed. I feel like we're now getting to pay dirt after two long years and it was painful. Becky knows from meeting her personally at both events. The breakthrough has come within the last 24 hours. I think we had the most amazing time together because for 50 years, we've been married almost 50 years, 46, this year will be 47.

A very long and too complicated story to get into. Listen to the other broadcast of when I called in to get the full story. But very painful marriage since day one, being pregnant when we got married with his child. But I had a big fling in my first semester of college and then everything just downward spiraled from there.

My kids want to get T-shirts, "I survived our parenting." I've gotten a lot of criticism from them too because they need counseling. The Marriage Intensive was really good but we couldn't do anything that we learned. We had a better base of knowledge, it's just we were in so much pain. He wasn't really quite done with that relationship which I feel grateful that it wasn't more involved than it was.

But as I learned in Restore, it's just as traumatic as if it was limited to kissing and it wasn't a whole lot more, but just that enough. I remember Becky saying well that is infidelity, because it's sexually charged to kiss. That was very helpful to get that in early on, Becky.

But my question is in the last 24 hours, the only success has come because last Monday in marriage therapy I said I can't take this anymore, I need space. Because the first question you guys had asked was did you separate, did you tell him kick him out or whatever, did I leave? None of that happened, I didn't do anything until last Monday and that's when the actual change started to occur when I said I needed space.

New Life: What do you guys think?

Janet: What I want to know is how do I continue this transformation and keep things healthy? What things should I demand? I want him to do Bible study with men, there are things that he hasn't done on the list. All he's done is marriage counseling with me and he started individual therapy with that same counselor only six months ago. Now we're getting into it. Where do we go from here?

Sherry Denham-Keffer: When I have someone say I think he's over the whole thing with her and then you said a couple minutes ago that he wasn't quite done with the relationship, I'm sitting here with you, Janet, going is he in or is he out? And what was shared with you in the disclosure? The truth is really important when it comes to your safety. I think there are two things that every betrayed partner needs.

They need safety and the truth. Unless you have the truth, unless you know if he's being honest, unless you know whether he's still attached to her, unless you know that he is sober from any acting out that he has done, you're going to be feeling like you're tossed and turned. In James it talks about the ship at sea, you're going to feel very unsettled. I get it, you're like I can't do this anymore, I'm upset, I'm mad, I need space.

Space is only one piece of what's needed. The reason you said I need space and that probably rattled his cage is he may have some underlying attachment issues. You might be dealing with two things. You might be dealing with somebody who has lived in the world very self-contained, not letting anybody really in behind the iron curtain that is around his heart.

He might have been very self-serving, very selfish, very focused in on him. That would make your marriage difficult. Then you add sexual deceit, sexual affairs. That's a sexual affair for him to have kissed her. You're not just having two spectacles on, two glasses. The glasses of the sexual acting out is one thing, but the glasses of this relationship issue where he's not been easy for you to attach to, that's the marital issue that's behind the sexual acting out.

Both of those two things have to be addressed. When you said I need space and he's like whoa, wait, I would begin to wonder about abandonment issues that he has. Not that the focus goes all on him, it's just an interesting thing that as soon as you said there's a boundary, I need space, he panicked. MVP, right? He was in a panic zone.

With that, it's just critical that you guys remain in a place of honesty. He's honest with you. I have a 48-hour rule that if somebody is going to do anything, act out, if he is calling her, texting her, if there is any kind of attachment he has, he has 48 hours to tell you and then he's got to tell his accountability guy, he's got to tell the therapist. I don't know if he's been to Every Man's Battle, but there are so many resources that need to fortify him.

You've done really good work, but I just want to make sure he's more shored up and in a place of true transparency and honesty with you.

Becky Brown: I think you have survived your marriage. You said that your kids have a T-shirt, I survived your parenting. But what happens in marriages that have long-term challenges, that becomes the marriage, that becomes the routine. So it makes sense to me that when you finally say okay, I'm done with this, let's separate, it's a panic for him, like you said, Sherry.

But here's the other thing, there's more going on than just the betrayal. Even though this has been the story and we see this a lot with couples, just like you said, the attachment thing, but there's also other things because he's human that he probably can't even talk about because it's been so buried. But the great thing is that there's hope and I know I sound like I'm parroting you, Sherry, but here's the challenge that you have, Janet, is that it's not a matter of making a list for him.

It's literally what kind of marriage do we want and how do we move towards that? Because you can expect for him to do all the things, but if he doesn't, then what are you going to do? I mean there's just all of the questions that come in. If he hasn't been to Every Man's Battle, that's the trifecta, he needs to do that work. It can make a huge difference in your connection with each other.

You guys haven't been able to connect in all these years, you've kind of been in a chaotic marriage and I know you would agree with that, Janet. But there is hope and the great thing is the healing that comes when we do our work.

New Life: The next Every Man's Battle is April 24th. Janet, you're not sure if her husband has attended. Even if he has, it might be good for him to go again. It's not like a one-and-done thing necessarily.

Becky Brown: Well and we always think that it's not a one-and-done, it's doing the other work like we have Sustained Victory groups that follow and it is the accountability, it is getting real with yourself as a man. What is it that's driving this? What's keeping me from a real connection with my wife and why do I want substandard existence? Why don't I want more for my life?

A lot of times it takes time. I love that they've spent all this time doing this work because it does take more time than you ever want it to, but it is worth doing the work. And if you're breathing, you've got issues, so you might as well start working on them today.

Sherry Denham-Keffer: Yeah, I'm in agreement. So I don't know if you have my book, Janet, but if not, I want you to get it. It's Intimate Deception: Healing the Wounds of Sexual Betrayal. In the chapter around boundaries, there's a chapter called No is a Complete Sentence. So if you're at that place that you're really trying to figure out how to have boundaries and still be in the relationship, get my book, read that chapter and you stay in it.

I mean you went to Restore, if you're not in one of the Sustained Healing groups, then jump in, get back into that because you need to have other gals that are supporting your heart as you're moving towards healing.

New Life: And I love that too, you need to have other gals. Sometimes we talk about and even a little bit ago you mentioned that he needs to talk to his accountability partner, which is good. But there's nothing wrong with having accountability partners. Janet, this is the kind of stuff that you just don't talk about with everyone. Probably very few if anyone knows.

But in the groups post-Restore, these are women who are exactly where you're seated and you guys can love on each other and encourage one another in continuing to move forward. It's such a powerful experience to not hide from the very thing that is keeping you from seeing your life in full color. To step into that in a supportive environment for each woman that is in that group, it is powerful.

Janet, thanks for calling in today. We'll wave to you again. 1-800-229-3000 is the number. The next Every Man's Battle workshop is coming up next month, April 24th in Washington DC. We have a Restore Healing After Betrayal in November, also in Washington DC. And Intimacy in Marriage is coming up later in the year as well, July 24th in Washington DC.

And if she wants to get into a group, call us, stay on the line and we'll get you into a group right now so you don't leave this call without your girls to wrap around you. We'll be back.

Guest (Male): To find out more information about New Life or to order any of the resources mentioned on today's program, call 1-800-NEW-LIFE. Now back to New Life Live.

New Life: We've got three New Life courses beginning the first week of May. These are 12-week counselor-led online courses that meet one hour a week via Zoom designed to help you break free from unhealthy patterns and move toward emotional and spiritual wholeness. Lose It For Life, Healing is a Choice, and Take Your Life Back are the three offerings to choose from. Becky, what are each of these about? Especially the last two. I think the first one's pretty self-explanatory.

Becky Brown: Well yeah, Lose It For Life is obviously about weight and eating issues. A simple way to say this, it's not about what you're eating as much as about what's eating you or what you are feeding. Because we know that Lose It For Life has been around since the beginning of New Life. It was one of our first workshops and we've helped so many people lose weight but also understand the reason why food is their go-to.

The other two, Take Your Life Back, Take Your Life Back is basically about codependency in all of its forms. It's working your side of the street. Those are recovery kind of phrases, but there's a lot of you who are struggling with other people taking over your life and there's lots of reasons why that happens. Take Your Life Back helps you gain that ownership of your life, not in a reactive way and that's key to that.

And then Healing is a Choice challenges the lies that we believe in our life. Everything from "all I need is God" and we know that's not true which may be shocking to all of you, but really we do need other people. Healing is a Choice is one of the classics here at New Life. Steve wrote it many years ago, but it is so powerful. There are some truths in there that will help people unlock the lies that are keeping them stuck.

New Life: That might be good for the person who says no, no, you don't understand, all I need is God, I can't trust people. That's why I'm in my situation.

Becky Brown: That's right and the hard truth about that is you by yourself is not how God designed you. He designed us to be in community and what God has for your life and how it's going to make a difference. So join us in one of the three. They begin the first week of May. You can find out more at newlife.com or by calling 1-800-NEW-LIFE and speak to one of our friendly ministry service representatives.

And if you want to speak to Becky or Sherry, you can call 1-800-229-3000. Let's go to Los Angeles. Here is Mike who is a new listener. Hi there Mike, how'd you find out about us?

Mike: Actually the other night I just got in my car and I turned the radio on and you guys were on. Never heard you guys before ever, never ever before.

New Life: Welcome Mike. We're so glad to have you here and that you called in. How can we help you?

Mike: I have a tough season I'm going through right now. My wife and I, we've been together 17 years, married for 10. She filed for divorce and I'm trying to rebuild the broken trust that I have caused in our relationship. During this kind of rebuild, I'm trying to follow basically what she's telling me is making feel that she needs and what she's trying to have me do is basically explain every where we go, every woman that walks in front of me, what they're dressed, what caught your eye, every single thing like that.

I don't feel like that's helping the situation and I know she's trying to see if I'm being a lustful man or why do I catch these things or what. And I keep telling her like these people walk in front of me, like I'm not looking to the side, I'm not turning my neck, I just they walk and I look away. And it's not good enough.

Becky Brown: Mike, what did she file for divorce for? What was the reasoning that she said I'm done?

Mike: For lying to her. When we got married she asked anything in your background, anything that you know that I don't know about you or you haven't told me? And when we dated in the beginning, our relationship was kind of toxic in the beginning anyway. This is before we gave ourselves to Christ and before we got married.

There was pornography a little bit involved and she caught me and I stopped and I haven't looked at pornography in 16 years. But that was one issue. Then she found out I told the truth, she knew the truth before we got married. And then she knew about the strip club before she got married.

And the only thing is that I didn't tell her that a relationship a year before I even met her, I had a sexual relationship with a woman and I didn't tell her that. And then that kind of broke the camel's back.

Becky Brown: Mike, when did she find out about all of that?

Mike: 14 months ago. She found about the woman a year before I met her that I slept with.

Becky Brown: The hard part is, Mike, that her heart has been shattered. I'm so grateful that you're willing to do what it takes, but you also mentioned in there that you weren't believers when you first came together. It's such a hard thing when somebody asks for the truth and they don't get it and they don't get it for years.

So then what happens is betrayal causes us to question everything. That's the reason why she's asking about all these details because now the ground beneath her has shook and the reaction to divorce is to get some sort of ground beneath her that makes sense. She also might be thinking well wait, if you didn't tell me about this one, how many others have you not told me about?

New Life: Mike stay on the phone, we're going to continue our conversation with you. We're going to be in the studio for two hours today. 1-800-229-3000 is our number. We'll hear what Becky and Sherry have to say to Mike in Los Angeles.

Guest (Female): Hello, it's Becky Brown. I am so excited to launch our 99 For The One partner initiative. Every day we hear from people all over the world who are looking for hope. They've been lost in a relationship struggle, addiction, anxiety, depression, all kinds of ways. It reminds us of the story in Luke 15 where the shepherd leaves the 99 to go rescue the one.

And you know, we've seen God work in the lives of so many people over the years here at New Life and we want to invite you to be part of what God is doing. 99 For The One is our partner program that you can give to the ministry on a monthly basis to make sure that we continue to reach out to the lost. Call 1-800-NEW-LIFE, 1-800-639-5433 or newlife.com/9941.

Guest (Male): To find out more information about New Life or to order any of the resources mentioned on today's program, call 1-800-NEW-LIFE. Now back to New Life Live.

New Life: Let's go back to Mike in Los Angeles. Mike you still with us?

Mike: Yeah, I'm here.

Sherry Denham-Keffer: Hey Mike, thank you for calling us so quickly after you heard about us for the first time. You know what I appreciate about you? It's kind of like when there's a plane crash and there's carnage and you kind of go back in and you're trying to figure out how the crash happened. Like what happened? How could there be this much damage? And there's a little black box that's there. The little black box actually holds a lot of information that everyone doesn't really know about.

There's a black box in your relationship. That's my hunch. And I am here with you wondering, right, I am too a betrayed partner so I'll bring that forward so I'm not going to make you feel like I'm here with some kind of an agenda. I really don't. I feel like I'm having an honest conversation with a husband who truly is trying to repair what's happening.

Now your wife is in post-traumatic stress, the type of post-traumatic stress that the military get from going over, it's the same, but it's post-traumatic stress. My research in my book shows that 76% of us have clinical symptoms of post-traumatic stress from the betrayal. And she's in hypervigilance. So why are women, why are wives in hypervigilance? Do you know what they're trying to figure out? Two things.

They're trying to figure out am I safe? Am I safe? Am I safe? Am I safe? And then the other thing, and their brain does this, they don't make themselves do this, this is just very common. The other thing that she's trying to figure out is who are you? What's in your black box? Why was there this sexual acting out that happened before we got married, the strip clubs, the porn, the woman that she found out you slept with.

But then, and if I heard you right, it sounds like for the last, you guys were together 17 years, so seven years it was turbulent, 10 years she's trying to figure out how is it that there was all this acting out going on before we got married and then we got married and 10 years there's been nothing.

Mike: No, let me correct some thing. 17 years was two years of turmoil and the rest of five years was okay, was good. And then we gave ourselves to Christ when we started going to church. But there was no acting out in our marriage and there was no acting out in that five years. It was a year before I even met her, I didn't even know her.

Sherry Denham-Keffer: Right, but let me go back to the beginning. So you're telling me right now in your black box that there is no acting out of any kind.

Mike: None, zero. She knows everything.

Sherry Denham-Keffer: Okay, so you know what I would recommend you do? I do it all the time. I'm a certified sex addiction therapist and I'm a certified partner trauma therapist, so I work with people like you all the time. And there is a process. The process is called a therapeutic full disclosure and a polygraph.

Mike: I did a polygraph, she didn't believe me. She says it's beatable.

Sherry Denham-Keffer: Okay, but did you do the polygraph as a part of a formal therapist-led, specialist-led therapeutic full disclosure and polygraph, or did you just go get a polygraph?

Mike: It wasn't like that, no.

Sherry Denham-Keffer: If she can't trust the process and if she's not able to ask you questions about the stuff that's bouncing around in her head, which therapeutic full disclosures and polygraphs, the wife gets to ask specific questions that you answer and then they're polygraphed. And if it's a formal structure, sometimes that's where a wife finally begins to trust something. She's not trusting her husband right off the bat, she's trusting the polygraph.

But there's some delineation. Because what I think she's been picking up on, and you may say no, this hasn't happened, but if you have, if she's been walking with you and she notices that you're lingering on a woman, you're lusting, whatever, and she's going to correct you on that, there may be times that you said no, I'm not doing anything, I'm not lusting, I was just this person's in front of me.

Well guess what, that's defending. She noticed you lusting, but you're not taking ownership of it. So that's going to keep her in hypervigilance and she won't be able to believe you. And so I have couples that go okay, we will surrender to this process because really, remember at the beginning of the show I said every betrayed partner needs two things, safety and the truth. She's not able to feel safe. She's like sitting on a basketball in a pool and she can't get stabilized.

And so then I'm like okay, well no wonder, she just needs the truth. There's a way to get it when she can't trust you and trust that there's nothing in that black box. And that means you having just surrender to a process and saying I'm willing. You could even have her listen to this radio show. You're in Los Angeles, you're not far from me. All that to say, we're for you, we're for your relationship. I want to work with you and other couples to help your wife heal.

But sometimes like you Mike, there's other guys that are like why can't she not get past what has happened? And it's usually because she's picking up on something that is still leaking out and she goes back to when she knew you were looking at porn and going to strip clubs and then the sex thing.

Becky Brown: Mike, have you guys done any work with a counselor, therapist or have you just been figuring it out?

Mike: So yeah, we started therapy 14 months ago. She went to two sessions, then I lied and then I felt convicted and I came up and fixed the lie. And then she said no, I'm stopping going to therapy because you're lying. And then I told her it's not easy, it gets hard before it gets easy. So we need to keep working at it, we went to therapy.

Becky Brown: Mike, here's the thing. You said when you were talking about all the things that you had done was before you got married. D-Day was that day when you lied again. It starts the clock all the way back and that's exactly what Sherry's talking about.

And you have to not only does she need truth and safety, you need to get to a place where you understand the best thing that you can do is to be as truthful as you possibly like, there is no more cobwebs, there's no more surprises.

Because every time there's "oh, I forgot" or "oh, I didn't" it doesn't matter if it's I forgot to pick up the coffee when I went to the grocery store. That will trigger all kinds of instability in the relationship. But the process of the disclosure, the therapeutic disclosure doesn't just hang you out to dry, and a lot of times people go I don't want to do that. But it also is a place where your wife will feel supported, not just getting the full brunt of all the things.

I would recommend that you two get into partner-supported training or therapy so that you can have a safe healing process. And I think that there's hope, I think there's hope.

Sherry Denham-Keffer: You know Mike, it's so interesting to Becky's point. I did research with 100 women and this is what I asked them. I said while both of these things are horribly painful, the sexual acting out that you know about or the continued patterns of lies, what is more painful?

Mike, there was a list from everything from porn, masturbation, prostitutes, affairs, affairs with someone you know and don't. I mean there was a list that had everything on it. So even though I'm showing them this list and saying what's more painful, the list of acts that they've done or the continued patterns of lies, do you know what my research showed me?

65% of us said it's the lies. It's the continued patterns of lies and that's typically what I see blows up the relationship. The sobriety is really important, but that lie, the very foundation of why we make a vow to another person is because I'm trusting that there's going to be truth in our relationship. And if I don't have truth, what can I build on?

So I'm glad you called. I'm so proud of you and hopefully you'll take advantage of some of the things we suggested. Stay on the lines, we'll get you connected Mike for sure.

New Life: And there's a book in the newlife.com store, Worthy of Her Trust. You ought to pick that up and start reading Mike. Thanks for calling in today to New Life Live. 1-800-229-3000.

Guest (Male): To find out more information about New Life or to order any of the resources mentioned on today's program, call 1-800-NEW-LIFE. Now back to New Life Live.

New Life: In the same way that Becky Brown always has something on her mind, New Life Ministries is always doing something. When people come alongside us financially, Becky, what does that help us do?

Becky Brown: It helps save lives literally. You know when you think about all the different ways that you donate to different charities and they do really good work. Here's what I always say about New Life. When you give to New Life, you're helping us help people so that they can then do good work in the world.

We hear from so many people that say New Life saved my life. And I can't think of a better thing for you to be part of than what God's doing through New Life. And you can join 99 For The One partners and that's a monthly gift that way you're not even thinking about it, but you can know every month your gift will go toward helping us connect with people who are looking for help in their area because we're nationwide.

But we also have people listening all over the world. We've got life recovery groups all over the world. Your giving helps us do all of that and it saves people's lives.

New Life: You can find out more at newlife.com or by calling 1-800-NEW-LIFE or go specifically directly to newlife.com/9941 to find out how to become one of our monthly partners.

Speaking of monthly partner, Kathy sent us a question online. You can do that too by going to newlife.com/radio. You'll learn how to send us an email or leave us a voicemail. If you can't call in, we'd prefer to chat with you, so call in if you can. 1-800-229-3000 is the number to call the rest of this hour and all of next.

And here's Kathy's question. After limiting your time with a jealous family member, what else can you do? Kathy says I'm a New Life monthly partner who's been listening since my kids were toddlers in the late 80s. I love each and every one of the New Life therapists. They have helped me so much including in my 45-year marriage.

Listening to JJ and Mark on February 19th, a woman called in about a jealous mother who inadvertently left her phone on thinking she had completed a phone call with her daughter. I remember this one. In that unintended communication, she called her daughter a very rude name and had other mean-spirited comments consistent with their past relationship but revealing the mother's true feelings.

I would like New Life therapists to further address jealousy. The woman had already limited her time with her mother. Is there more that can be done beyond loving that person at a distance and going on in our own happy life? I'd like to hear more about both sides of jealousy, being jealous and enduring it in someone you cannot avoid. Sherry, what would you say?

Sherry Denham-Keffer: Well Kathy, I always wonder what is going on in your world that you would have wanted us to go deeper. Because my sense is that you have something happening with someone that you love that hasn't felt safe, there's been jealousy.

And it's so interesting what a painful thing for this daughter to hear her mom say disparaging things where finally she knew what her mom really said. I know you would rather have us tell you something than keep distance and protect yourself, but what can you do?

I think another thing you could do would be to let that person know how they harmed you. Now how could this daughter do that? Well as you can imagine, it would be very unsafe for her to directly call her mom and say hey mom, you said this about me. Because this mother would probably avoid telling the truth, she would ignore it, she would make it about her.

But let's just say as part of this woman's work, she wrote her mother a letter, timestamped, date-stamped that said Mom, on this day I hung up the phone with you and I listened to what you said. And these were your words. I actually have the recording mom saved. That harmed me and I just need you to know that that's why I'm not spending time around you right now. My heart has been deeply hurt.

If you would like to get some help to begin to face what's going on in you that you would say something about your daughter that is so hurtful and demeaning, I invite you to do that. But for now, this is where I'm going to be. Now why would I suggest that? It's for the daughter. That is her work. She's not just sitting on this painful boil that happened between her and her mother, she's activating something for her own sake, for her own recovery.

And so that's one step is choosing to be honest in a way that's safe enough for you.

Becky Brown: And I'm thinking along the lines of it's interesting I thought the same thing Kathy, why are you asking this question? Because whenever we talk about, "I have this friend and the friend," so I know there must be something going on. Jealousy is basically rooted in insecurity.

So when you describe that the mother was jealous, that's an interesting perspective that the daughter would think that the mom was jealous. It really isn't the daughter's problem to solve. It really isn't. But I would say that if this hit a nerve for you Kathy and whether it is that you feel like someone is not being totally honest with you in a close relationship, that maybe they've got a little edginess in their comments about maybe some successes in your life because that happens.

You get those girlfriends or family members, "Oh you think you're better than the rest of us." The greatest thing that you can do is love them from a distance, but also recognize that is their issue, bless their hearts. I mean it's just it's really not going to be something that you solve.

But Kathy if you're the one struggling with jealousy, if you're the one feeling like somebody has a better connection with the family or a friend, if this is where this is hitting you. I going back all the way to the beginning of this program and you start to identify what is it that I need from them? What is it that I expected from this relationship and start to identify where the insecurity may lie and ask yourself is it true?

Is it really true? Because a lot of times we can make up our own jealousies, our own insecurities based on things that are just in our head that then we start measuring with things that we see. So I love that you're beyond loving that person from a distance and going on your own happy life. It's like what Sherry said, get it settled, but if you're the one that's on the receiving end of that jealousy, you can detach, but you can be kind and just recognize this is an insecurity that the other person has.

New Life: Kathy, thank you so much for submitting your question online. You can do that too at newlife.com/radio. You'll see the email address where you can write to us or leave us a voicemail on the phone number there. It's a different phone number than the one you can call into the studio, which is 1-800-229-3000.

We're going to be here for another hour. We would love to hear from you today because you don't want to keep struggling with this for a few more days. Whatever it is that you're going through, it could be a hoarding issue or a jealousy issue. We were just talking about jealousy, but maybe you've got something.

Becky Brown: And you know what, if it is something about jealousy or insecurity, join us tomorrow night for our webinar because Mark Cameron's going to present Understanding Your Attachment Style. And when you have an idea about what's driving all of that, you're in a fine peace and it's so accessible. Just join us tomorrow night. You can get all the information at newlife.com or you can call us.

Sherry Denham-Keffer: And I want to say one thing in 10 seconds. You know I was thinking after I spoke, sometimes the jealousy can come because that daughter has grown up in a home where a dad has preferred her. He has been more attached to her and the mom is incensed because she's felt on the outside. So attachment, it could be anything that's going on.

New Life: You can find out more by texting the word webinar to 28950 and join us tomorrow night. And thanks for joining us today here on New Life Live. Yes, we're going to be here for another hour, so keep calling in to 1-800-229-3000. Gil and everyone else that's on the phone right now, sit tight, don't hang up, we will get to you. 1-800-229-3000 is the number with Dr. Sherry Denham-Keffer and Becky Brown. Can't wait to hear from you today here on New Life Live. God bless you guys.

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