FamilyLife Today®

Jerrad Lopes: The more time I spend with Jesus, the more I realize that I don't deserve the amount of grace I've been given. It's hard to think about that often. God should have turned his back on me and he didn't.

Instead of turning his back on me, he did the opposite. He adopted me and then called me son and delights in me. He should be furious at me because of my sin and instead because of Jesus, I bring a smile to his face. Incredible. How do you hear that message and not show more patience to your kids?

Ann Wilson: Welcome to FamilyLife Today, where we want to help you pursue the relationships that matter most. I'm Ann Wilson.

Dave Wilson: And I'm Dave Wilson. And you can find us at familylifetoday.com. This is FamilyLife Today.

Dave Wilson: So I can remember bringing CJ, our number one son, home from the hospital and looking at him in the crib. I don't know what you thought. I thought, I have no idea what to do. I mean, I was scared.

Ann Wilson: I thought the same thing because we're both the youngest. So we hadn't been around babies. I had babysat some.

Dave Wilson: Yeah, but your brothers had kids. I remember when I got Jim's little guy, Ted, and I'd never really held a baby. And I saw everybody throws them up, so I took Ted and I threw him up and he hit the ceiling. I'm like, oh man. I am so bad at this. And now I got my own kid and I thought, I'm going to mess this up so bad. He's going to be in a counselor's couch the rest of his. I literally thought that.

Ann Wilson: Well, especially because your dad left when you were seven, so.

Dave Wilson: I had all kinds of reasons not to be a good dad.

Ann Wilson: I wonder if a lot of dads feel like that. You ended up being a great dad, and most of that was because of Jesus who has just transformed you and me.

Dave Wilson: You're being very nice.

Ann Wilson: No, but do you think most men feel that overwhelming, what am I going to do?

Dave Wilson: I think we're going to find out today. Because we've got Mr. Dad Tired in the studio. Jerrad Lopes is back with FamilyLife Today. Welcome back.

Jerrad Lopes: Thank you. When you say Mr. Dad Tired, I was up all night with my four-year-old. So yes, I'm actually, I feel very dad-tired. And I do think most guys feel that.

Jerrad Lopes: I remember they handed me the baby, our first, our son, and it was like, okay, you're free to leave. And I legitimately was like, I thought we were in here a week, you know, a couple weeks. You got to teach me what to do. I had no idea. I could not believe they were sending me home after two days with that baby. I have no idea what to do.

Dave Wilson: Because your dad left too. How old were you?

Jerrad Lopes: I was three. My dad bailed when I was three.

Ann Wilson: Wow.

Dave Wilson: So I mean, there's definitely that sense from us because we never had a dad. But your ministry is Dad Tired. Literally, some people are like, what do you mean, Dad? That's the name of the ministry which thousands, right, of men all around the world basically are in a community where they talk about dad stuff and husband stuff as men, right?

Jerrad Lopes: Yeah, it's a bunch of humble guys who are saying, I'm tired. I don't really know what I'm doing, but I'm fully committed to fall in love with Jesus and helping my family do the same.

Ann Wilson: Every wife now just pulled out her phone and she's looking at his name.

Dave Wilson: Yeah, and so we're going to talk a little bit today about your book The Dad Tired Q&A Mixtape. By the way, what's, what's the idea of the mixtape?

Jerrad Lopes: The book is really for all the seasons of fatherhood. You're going to think through how do you make big decisions as a family? How do you stay intimate with your wife? How do you connect with your kids? How do you pray with your kids? Do you really need to go to church? How do you find a church?

Jerrad Lopes: Basically, we're trying to have a soundtrack for you as a dad in all the seasons that you're going to experience in life as a father and really have kind of a road map that's going to point you back to Jesus, back to the Gospel, so that you can be the husband, father, disciple, God's called you to be.

Dave Wilson: Now, you've got four kids. You just said, man, when you brought home number one, you felt the same thing. So let's hit some of those questions you just raised. So as a dad, how would you start to coach a dad, like how do you really connect with your son or daughter?

Jerrad Lopes: You know, what I found interesting when I first had my kids was my wife obviously carried the baby, and so there's something happening. I'm not smart enough to tell you all the things that are happening medically and from a, you know, a physiological perspective. But she's carrying the baby and then for my wife, she nursed the baby. So there's all, there's like instant bonding.

Jerrad Lopes: But for me, I remember thinking like, this is just a blob, like a human blob. What do I do with this little creature?

Ann Wilson: And they can do nothing.

Jerrad Lopes: And they can do nothing. My wife's up in the middle of the night and she's really experiencing the bonding. For me as a dad, I remember the first time my son rolled a ball. To me, he was old enough to sit up and he rolled a ball and it was just like game over. Now we can do stuff together.

Jerrad Lopes: That was honestly, I remember so distinctly like this is the first time we really, I felt a deep, of course, I loved him and you know, but it was like, there's this deep bond. I was just thinking about this actually on the plane ride today. One of the coolest things about God. The Bible tells us that he dwells with us. Literally from Genesis to Revelation, there's just over and over. God is he's with them in the garden on their worst day. He's with them in the wilderness as they're turning their back on him. Bible says in John 1 that he dwelled among them. He gives us the Holy Spirit to dwell inside of us and then he comes back in Revelation. He will be with us again and he will be our God. God is a dwelling God.

Jerrad Lopes: So what do we do as dads? Well, we dwell with our kids. Doesn't need to be fancy. God doesn't always have to do miracles and miraculous stuff. We literally just be fully present. The times I feel like I'm the best dad is when I'm dwelling with the Lord, I rest in his presence and then I'm just with my kids. I'm literally just fully present with them.

Ann Wilson: Dave, I feel like a lot of dads are saying, I don't know how to do that. Did you feel that with our kids?

Dave Wilson: Oh, a thousand percent. I mean, I really did. I was full of fear. And it didn't go away. I almost felt, and I think this is wrong, tell me if you've done this or if you've in your community of dad-tired if you hear men say this. I almost felt like, yeah, the first two or three years are just their mom years. They're going to connect with mom better. I'm going to wait till they can do stuff.

Dave Wilson: You know, throw the ball back to me and then I'll engage. And I sort of had that perspective. I'm just going to wait. I even sometimes feel that with the grandkids now. It's like, oh, my days are coming, but I don't think that's the way we should approach it.

Jerrad Lopes: Yeah. You know, there was one time I was thinking about this recently. I was sitting with my son and we were watching TV. Actually, he was just working on something. I don't know, he was reading a book or doing something on the couch and I was watching TV. This news alert came on. You know, flashing red lights, breaking news. And my son was saying, hey, Dad. And I said, hold on, there's, you know, this is really important. And then I'm watching, watching, watching. And he tried to get in, hey, Dad. And I said, hold on, buddy, I'm trying to watch this. This is really important.

Jerrad Lopes: Third time he said, he's like, hey, Dad. I get frustrated. I'm like, I'm trying to watch this. This is about the future of our world. I said those words. And as I said those words, I felt immediate conviction, like the Lord was just speaking to me, you're worried about the future of the world, and the future of the world is sitting right next to you trying to get your attention. I was like, what am I doing? So.

Jerrad Lopes: I had a mentor tell me one time, Jared, you're going to have a million job titles, but you will die a husband, you will die a father, you will die a disciple. Go crush it at those three things. So how do we connect with our kids? Like, what are you saying yes to that doesn't hit those three categories? If you're saying yes to something and it doesn't hit those three categories, start saying no more often to.

Ann Wilson: Name those again, Jerrad.

Jerrad Lopes: Husband, father, disciple. Everything that gets thrown in your life and on your plate should be filtered through those three things. If it doesn't help you become better at those three things, say no to it and start saying yes to those three.

Dave Wilson: You mentioned earlier, being fully present. So have you figured out a way to be your soul is there with your wife and your kids?

Jerrad Lopes: No, I have not figured that out. If I'm honest. I've been convicted by it and I'm trying to grow in that. I just met with a group of guys. This last weekend and we were talking and they were strangers to me. I was speaking at an event and then we met afterwards for dinner and we were literally all talking about what it's like to be present but not present.

Dave Wilson: Yeah.

Jerrad Lopes: And how we're all guilty of that. I was even thinking, you know, my dad left, sounds like your dad left too. That's so painful for a child to not have a dad around, but I was also thinking, I wonder how painful it is to have a dad who's there but not really there. And if that's even equally as painful, that he's sharing a home with you and yet you don't feel like you're connecting with him at all. I don't know that reality, but I wonder if my kids might say that and that thought terrifies me that I'm there, but I'm not really there.

Jerrad Lopes: You know, I could spout out some answer, but I think even just you asking that question, I think most parents, if they were honest, could probably answer that question pretty easily, like, I'm spending a lot of time on things that just don't matter.

Ann Wilson: It's so easy for both mom and dads right now just to be scrolling. When our kids are present, we're on our phones. And I think it's easy for all of us to just space out because that world feels more interesting sometimes than when we have toddlers.

Jerrad Lopes: It is more interesting. I mean, my toddler literally two days ago colored all of our brand new house walls with a crayon and then took yogurt and threw it all over the house. Like, why would I not want to look at the top five destinations that I can go to on a budget?

Dave Wilson: Yeah.

Ann Wilson: Right now.

Jerrad Lopes: We'll book it a flight and mentally put myself there, you know.

Dave Wilson: You know, as a pastor, I have definitely felt the tension of serving marriages in our church. I mean, it's a passion of ours and you know, couples aren't falling apart, but they're not really connecting either. So things can look fine on the surface or on the outside, but there's always some drift happening.

Ann Wilson: For sure.

Dave Wilson: Underneath. And you see this as a leader and you know marriages need support, but figuring out what to do often it can feel overwhelming. So we've walked with a lot of churches through this and most just need a simple place to start.

Ann Wilson: And we have that for you. So if you've thought about doing a marriage event but didn't want to build it from scratch, this is a great way forward. When you purchase 10 or more workbooks, we'll include the full video study. Just use the code Strong Families through June 30th. And you can go to familylifetoday.com and click the link in the show notes and just again, enter the discount code Strong Families.

Ann Wilson: We talked about the problem. Did we answer it?

Jerrad Lopes: Well, here's what I tossed out to those guys I was just saying that we were all relating to that.

Dave Wilson: Yeah.

Jerrad Lopes: We ended that meeting by saying, I wonder if we would be better at dwelling with our kids, being more present with our kids if we were intentional about dwelling with the Lord and spending time with the Lord.

Jerrad Lopes: If I was intentional to say, I'm going to turn off all the noise and just spend time with the Father to be in the presence of the Father. If that would have an impact on me being more present with my kids, I think it would. But I think it's an experiment for all of us parents to do, like just do I have space carved out my life, where I'm just going to be quiet with the Lord? And you're a parent listening like, when am I possibly going to do that?

Jerrad Lopes: But it's probably just a little bit of intentionality, you know, 10, 15 minutes to spend before the kids get up, after the kids go to bed, whatever. To spend, I'm just going to be with the Lord and to see, does that make me a more present parent as I've been with the Father?

Dave Wilson: Yeah, and I think he gives you his eyes.

Jerrad Lopes: Yeah, he'll see things like he did when he said your future sitting right here.

Dave Wilson: I think you're right. That's the answer to be a better husband, to be a better dad. Let me ask you this, have you processed the father wound? Because, you know, my dad walked out and for decades I didn't really even know I had one, but then when I realized, oh boy, that processing made me a better man and dad. And a lot of guys, I don't know if they've ever taken that journey. What about you?

Jerrad Lopes: Under 30 years old, I would have said my dad's absence didn't impact me. And I would have really believed that.

Dave Wilson: Yeah.

Jerrad Lopes: Like, no, he was gone, but it didn't, you know, I didn't even know what it was like without him there, so it doesn't matter. Something happened to me. You know, they say most guys brains can take up to 25 years old to fully develop. I'm like, it's got to be 30.

Ann Wilson: Yeah.

Dave Wilson: Yeah.

Jerrad Lopes: Because I think that's when it was like, I'm starting to get it a little bit more. But 30 years old when I was, when I was really starting to understand, oh, some of my behaviors are a direct result of not having my dad around. Part of it was what we talked about yesterday, which is I'm looking for affirmation in places because I didn't have a man telling me, you're doing a good job and I'm proud of you. So I'm looking for every possible way for somebody to tell me both in good areas, sinful areas, I'm just looking for somebody to say, you're doing a good job and I'm proud of you.

Jerrad Lopes: But I would say, you know, I'm, I'm in my mid 30s, so I'm, I think I've just started that journey. I've just started to make that. The other thing I would say too, is I think for men, one of the greatest gifts you can give yourself is to have some self-awareness to say, to pause for a moment, reflect on your own behaviors, your thoughts, your behaviors, your actions and to say, does that have a direct correlation to my childhood? And you start to do that and I think you'll find yourself maturing as a man.

Dave Wilson: It's interesting, I sat with a counselor a couple weeks ago and I'm like, hey, Greg, I'm struggling with forgiveness. It's not my dad. I, I've worked through that years ago. And he immediately did what you just did. He goes, just know this, and we can talk, but this is where I'm going to go. I go, where? And I should know where he's going to go. He goes, your struggle with forgiveness now is connected to your childhood. Now we just got to be able to make the connection. It's something with your dad or something with your brother dying. It's something with God, but there's a connection. So you're a young man. Have you felt like you're becoming the man God wants you to be because you've processed that?

Jerrad Lopes: Well, first I would just say too, what you just said terrifies me as a parent now.

Dave Wilson: What do you mean?

Jerrad Lopes: To think, well, he said, you know, basically I'm going to tie this back to your childhood. And all I'm thinking is, how am I damaging my kids now?

Ann Wilson: Oh, we already know.

Jerrad Lopes: Right. Yeah. And they're going to have that same conversation, my kids. But to go back to the point, I think if we can be men now while our kids are young, you know, for a lot of the dad-tired guys, they still have young kids in the house. And so to to start now to become a healed man.

Jerrad Lopes: You know, the other thing I would say, I talk to a lot of guys and the Bible says that if we confess our sins to God, he's faithful and just to forgive us of them, which is just such an amazing promise. But there are a lot of guys who are walking around forgiven but not healed. God has forgiven them for sure, but they don't feel forgiven or healed. But then James says, confess your sins to one another, pray for one another that you would be healed.

Jerrad Lopes: Man, if we could become dads who are healed men, and part of that healing is the confession of sin, the going to another brother and saying, man, I don't know why I do this. I don't know why I keep doing this, man. I want to confess to you, but also I want to process this stuff. I want to tie it back to things that happened in my childhood. If we can become healed men now, I'm hoping that there'll be less conversations or material available for my kids when they're sitting in their counselors.

Ann Wilson: Do you guys feel like men need to be in other groups or some sort of accountability with other men? Does that really help?

Jerrad Lopes: They need other brothers. Accountability has always been like a sticky word for guys because it's like, hey, you want to meet on Tuesdays for accountability? It's like, no.

Ann Wilson: Right.

Dave Wilson: You want to run from that.

Jerrad Lopes: Why would I want to do that?

Dave Wilson: Yeah, that doesn't sound fun.

Jerrad Lopes: But I meet with a group of guys, a lot of whom are in the military. These are, you know, these are intense, tough men. And the way we frame it is, we know that this spiritual leadership thing is a is a battle for our families and that we're at the front lines of that battle, and the enemy is going to attack us in hopes that our whole family is destroyed.

Jerrad Lopes: And so I meet with them and we bring this up every week. I'm meeting with you because I need you brothers to help me so that my family doesn't come under attack. Or when it does, that I have some truth, somebody to speak truth. That feels more compelling to me than like, hey, can you check in on my behavior every week, you know? But to really realize like this is a real spiritual battle and I don't want to lose it. I want to run the race well.

Ann Wilson: So good, Jerrad.

Dave Wilson: Yeah, and I would, I would add that I do not believe a man can be healed without men.

Jerrad Lopes: Yeah.

Dave Wilson: I mean, if you're a guy listening right now and you're trying to do this on your own, you can't do it. Some of us fear, I don't want to be that vulnerable with other guys. Man, if you take the risk to be vulnerable with other men, you're going to be, you're going to get toward healing. They're going to, just like you said in James, God forgives and it's interesting that he uses people to help us heal. I mean, he heals, but he says, no, if you keep that sin to yourself or that struggle to yourself, you're not going to heal. And you're going to win for a day or a week and then you're going to be right back there.

Dave Wilson: But when you get a brother in there who's, you know, I used to say as a pastor, if you come up to me and say, hey, here's my confession, you're just cheating because I'm not in your life.

Jerrad Lopes: Right.

Dave Wilson: And then you're going to walk out and go, I'm all good now. And then you're going to struggle again. But if you get a brother who's going to say, hey, how are you doing with that area that we talked about last week? Again, not just the accountability thing, but the brotherhood that I want to walk with you and I want to sharpen one another to be better, then you see healing. It sounds like you're doing that like on a weekly basis.

Jerrad Lopes: Yeah, and that's, by the way, that's like one or two guys. That doesn't need to be a Bible study of 10 guys. That's like one or two guys that we're talking about. You know, it's a very small, tight-knit group of brothers that's like, you know, I need you in my corner for the for the to figure this stuff out.

Dave Wilson: What do you say to the guy that doesn't have it and is listening right now and going, I'm good?

Jerrad Lopes: Well, you're incredibly naive to think that you're going to go through life and not take a lot of wounds. And that your family, if you love your kids and your wife, dude, you got to pursue this stuff.

Dave Wilson: Yeah.

Jerrad Lopes: You got to be serious about this stuff because you're you're incredibly vulnerable by yourself.

Ann Wilson: Yeah. And how do they do that? What are the like, I a listener could be thinking, well, yeah, it's easy for you guys. You've got this, you know, all these followers. You probably have friends all over. Dave, you're a pastor. You're around men all the time. I hear a lot of wives say, my husband needs some friends, but he says, I have you as my friend. I don't need anybody else. So I like that you address that, but what are the first steps a man could take? You're talking to these guys all the time, Jerrad.

Dave Wilson: Jump in the dad-tired.

Jerrad Lopes: Honestly, like first my followers aren't those close friends. So it doesn't matter who cares about followers and, you know, platforms. It's the guy I went to high school with, you know, that's my, those are the guys I'm calling. Not to say it's the guys you went to high school with, but you know what I mean, it's a close friend that you already know.

Jerrad Lopes: But honestly, I would say it's easy to find a guy who'd watch a game with you, you know, come over, watch March Madness, watch football game or whatever. It's hard to find guys who are serious about this kind of stuff. And this is why the dad-tired community is so powerful. Because you can go on there and I promise you, there is a dad-tired guy that lives near you. And even if he doesn't, there's a dad-tired guy who says, I'll zoom with you every Tuesday and be that brother in your in your corner.

Jerrad Lopes: So I know that's.

Ann Wilson: That's cool.

Jerrad Lopes: You know, there really is a community of humble men who are trying to partner with each other to fight for this stuff.

Dave Wilson: Yeah, I think what you're saying and I agree, Jerrad, is if you want it, you will find it. You will make it happen. In another sense, it's like if you want it, ask God. God will bring men into your life.

Jerrad Lopes: I was going to say.

Dave Wilson: You might even already know who they are. It's just like, let's take this to the next level and sharpen one another to be the man and husband that our wives long for us to be.

Ann Wilson: I mean, I love the scripture. If we're calling out to God and asking for that, he will do it. And as a wife, I can pray that for my husband. Father, bring other men into his life that will encourage him, love him, hang out with him.

Dave Wilson: So we, we mentioned earlier that if you want to really love your wife, basically follow Jesus. If you really want to love your kids, would you say the same thing or would it be different?

Jerrad Lopes: Absolutely be the same thing, man. I mean. The more time I spend with Jesus, the more I realize that I don't deserve the amount of grace I've been given. And it's hard to think about that often. God should have turned his back on me and he didn't. Instead of turning his back on me, he did the opposite. He adopted me and then called me son and delights in me. He should be furious at me because of my sin and instead because of Jesus calls me son and is delights me. I bring a smile to his face. Incredible. How do you hear that message and not show more patience to your kids?

Jerrad Lopes: God doesn't just punish me when I mess up. He's long-suffering. He's over and over, how many times do you forgive somebody asked Jesus? Well, you just keep doing it, essentially is what he said. You keep doing it and you keep doing it. Well, when you sit in that, God has kept forgiving me, keeps forgiving me, keeps forgiving. Well, yeah, I'm just going to keep showing grace to my kids. I'm going to keep loving my wife because God keeps loving me. I mean, just it's really hard to spend time with Jesus and not be a better husband and father.

Dave Wilson: You know, as I'm listening to you, Jerrad, I'm thinking, there's a guy listening. He's this close. You know, maybe he's fallen away or maybe he's never really understood what you just in a in a couple sentences sort of articulated the gospel. How would you call that guy? You even said at lunch, man, at the end of a lot of your talks now, you're saying, I'm calling guys to surrender. How would you call that guy to surrender? What would it look like? What would it sound like?

Jerrad Lopes: Yeah, I imagine there's somebody who's listening to this episode right now because you saw something about fatherhood and maybe your wife and you wanted to know more about parenting. Or maybe you're a guy and you're like, yeah, I could probably use some tips on how to be a better dad. And maybe you didn't know that this is what God was like. That you thought you got to get your stuff together in order for God to like you. Or maybe I, you know, once I kind of get these things figured out, then God will want to be near me. That's just. Brother, if I could just speak to you for a second, like that, that's not the God of the Bible.

Jerrad Lopes: Every other religion would say that's what you need to do, get your stuff together. But the God of the Bible would say, I see you in your mess and I'm not going to leave you there. Instead of the Bible being one page long, because he would say, oh, you're too messy, I'm leaving. The Bible is thousands of pages long because he says, I'm going to keep pursuing you and chasing you down with my great love.

Jerrad Lopes: And so brother, if that's you listening right now and you're like, I just didn't know that's what God was like, that is what God's like. He's different than every other God. And if you are willing to see that message, to hear that message and say, I want to follow that God. I want to surrender my life to that Jesus with as much information as I know and as confusing as it is. Dude, there's literally nothing more important. The work meeting that you're going to right now. The place you're going to right now. Whatever, they're pulling into the house right now. Whatever you're doing right now is not there's nothing more important than to say, Jesus, I think you had an appointment for me to hear this message right now and I want to follow you the best that I know how. And I promise you, you start to fall in love with that God. You will become the man that God is calling you to be.

Dave Wilson: And let me, let me invite you, brother, to pray with me right now. I don't know where you are, car, family room, wherever you are. If this is your moment to say, I need to surrender. Just pray with me right now. Jesus, I surrender all of my life to you as a man, as a husband, as a dad, as a single man. Whatever you stage you're in. Lord, I'm surrendering areas of my life that I'm pursuing that are not what you want me to pursue. I'm giving those over to you. And I'm surrendering my life to receive Jesus and what he's done for me and that I am forgiven and I receive that now. God, would you make me the husband, the dad, the man that you created me to be and I've tried to be, but I've failed miserably. I can't do it without you. So I'm asking you, Jesus, I'm giving you all of me. Make me the man you created me to be.

Ann Wilson: Okay, I think one of the things I love about Jerrad is his authenticity. But also he's super practical, like what can this look like?

Dave Wilson: Yeah, I mean, he's a dad living out a dad life. And he's tired.

Ann Wilson: Yeah. And again, his book is called Dad Tired and Loving It. His ministry is actually called Dad Tired. But the subtitle is called Stumbling Your Way to Spiritual Leadership.

Dave Wilson: So let's go to familylifetoday.com, click on the link in the show notes and get his book.

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