FamilyLife Today®

Speaker 1

I cannot tell you the number of times standing on the sideline with the Detroit Lions in an NFL game over 33 seasons that we get in the fourth quarter. It's a close game. And I would have this thought. Our team does not believe when the game's on the line. We have what it takes to win. And that's the difference between winners and losers; if you don't believe it, your self-prophecy comes true, and we don't.

And again, I'm not saying that's the only reason we lost so many games, but I remember 1991, when we went almost one game from the Super Bowl. You could feel the opposite. It was like, we believe. I really believe teams that win believe it before they actually do it.

And I think it applies to marriage. Welcome to Family Life Today, where we want to help you pursue the relationships that matter most. I'm Dave Wilson.

Speaker 2

And I'm Ann Wilson. You can find us@familylifetoday.com this is Family Life Today.

Speaker 1

Today we're talking about your mind and how that impacts your marriage. And we've got the mind expert, Ted Lord. We can almost see his mind because there's nothing to block us.

Speaker 3

You know, you're just like me.

Speaker 1

Our minds are right there because we don't have any here. But anyway, your book is in "How Changing Your Thoughts Can Change Your Marriage."

And we've sort of developed this thought. But that's what you discovered, right? How we think impacts everything, especially our marriage.

Speaker 3

Absolutely. And we've said it a couple times already. But you know, our thoughts are not our actions or our attitudes, but they lead to both. And that includes how we think about ourselves.

In fact, when we were talking earlier, this chapter almost did not make the book. And it begins with a question of what do you think about yourself? Because it's been such a struggle in my own life.

And then I thought, how in the world does this impact marriage? I knew how it was, but I thought, I think I may be the only one that's got this level of struggle with how I think about myself. In fact, I call him Fred in my head now.

Speaker 1

How did you come up with Fred in my head? Besides that it rhymes.

Speaker 3

I have no idea. I wish there's an origin story other than randomness, but I don't know. Nancy used to say to me, "How you doing?" And I would say, "It's tough to be in here." And so I just gave him a name. I said, "Fred, my head's being a jerk today."

I started realizing and looking at all the research that how you think about yourself impacts who you are; it impacts everything, including your marriage. For so long, I'd have these thoughts, or Fred would be giving me these thoughts, and I just thought they were true. They would guide my life.

Despite it all, I was able to get married, have kids, write books, and speak, all the while his voice being louder sometimes than others. People say, "Is Fred the devil?" I'm like, "He's at least a highly compensated employee." I don't know about that, but I do know that his voice is hateful and hurtful to me and had been even since I was a little kid.

Speaker 1

I mean, what did Fred say to you? And I know Fred is you, but what were you saying to yourself?

Speaker 3

If people only really knew, because it was really strange. We started doing ministry. I say I went from frat house to church house in weeks. Radical transformation of the Lord, but I was a youth pastor.

Next thing I know, I'm working in a large church in California, and we're on stage in front of thousands of people. We're an hour south of Los Angeles, and my wife and I, from Alabama, are doing all the drama at Saddleback Church with Rick Warren—two Redneck Hicks. We were part of this ministry for a while with Family Life, and I remember being at an MCI arena with 14,000 people.

I remember looking up and seeing our head on all those TVs, and I'm thinking to myself, "Nobody cares." That wasn't good. Who do you think you are? There's no category that he doesn't come after me about in some time and fashion to get some healing from that.

I've learned that there have been some exercises and things around for 30 plus years that have radical results for people and have changed my life. It almost makes me a little sad and a little frustrated that nobody's telling our kids this and no one's telling us this because it impacts everything, including our marriage.

Speaker 1

So what do you do with Fred in the head?

Speaker 3

So there's an exercise that's been around again 30, 40 years. Daniel Amen popularized it called ants. It's automatic negative thoughts. Pretty much what I did in this book was I just gathered up people way smarter than me and then talked about it in a way that people could understand.

The exercise begins with you name your Fred. If you want to use Fred, I'm sure he's open to franchising. He is a high capacity leader. By just naming him, it separates him from you. It's a little bit fun, too. It's like, well, wait a minute. When I hear that, it's coming from another voice and not my own and certainly not God. Okay, now I'm going, well, wait a minute. This is another person. So that helped tremendously.

And then you write down those thoughts. You know, you're never gonna be able to pull this off. You're not as good a dad as you think you are. Your wife is frustrated with you. Whatever those things are, you write those things down.

And then there's categories, like, Fred has all kinds of side hustles. He's a fortune teller. This is gonna go really, really bad for you. You guys started this podcast. You know, it's looking really fancy in here. I know they got a new light for bald-headed people, but who knows? It's just one bad tweet away from it all crashing down. And this guy talking right now could.

So fortune teller, it's mind reader. You'll leave a conversation with somebody and you'll go, oh, I don't think they liked me. I could tell they didn't. They're probably just having a tough day with tacos. But you make it all about you.

There's the labeling. You are so fat. Look what you have done to yourself. Shamer. He's a shamer. He's a guilter. And then he's also a convincer. Go and do that thing that's gonna give you a few moments of relief. Go ahead. It's fine. It's fine.

Speaker 2

Go hide somewhere.

Speaker 3

Go hide somewhere in your addiction or.

Speaker 2

You'Re overeating and you have pleas.

Speaker 3

You go hide. And then it immediately becomes that, oh, you're never going to be forgiven for that. I started getting so much relief from this. Because mine used to be after speaking, I'd be walking to the car.

Speaker 2

This was me, too.

Speaker 3

I can't believe you said xyz. Because when someone gives you a microphone for multiple hours, especially when you're wired like me and you want to be fun, you're going to say something going, I'm not sure that's a good idea. I usually have Nancy on the front row giving me the I know where you're headed, don't.

But I would go to the car and he would immediately start it. I can't believe you did that. You didn't prep enough. I don't think people resonated with that. The guy on the third row, I could just tell he did not want to be there. Did you see the guy blinking his eyes? I think he really wanted to go to sleep, people giving your time, and you should have done more.

And then all the way home in the airplane, and then for a couple of days after. And then I would try to shake it off.

Speaker 2

This is totally my friend, too, in terms of speaking over the years, years ago, Constant.

Speaker 3

Yes. And you go, okay. Don't you think that breaks the heart of God? Because here's the problem. Fred's voice becomes louder than the voice of God.

Speaker 2

Exactly.

Speaker 3

That should terrify us. And from a faith perspective, to go, he went through so much to show us how loved we are, how cherished we are, how worthy we are, and yet we listen to this voice that seems to be destined to just pull our worth. Does that make me a better speaker or a worse speaker?

And what's been so profound is doing that. After you categorize them, then you say, what would my Abba father say to me? He said, the spirit I gave you is not one of that of fear. So you live in slave again. And I looked at that word spirit, and it's actually lowercase, and it means dominant frame of mind. The dominant frame of mind I've given you is not one that lives in fear as a slave.

Again, the spirit I gave you, you received, brought about your adoption into sonship. And by him, we cry, Abba. In other words, it's not one of fear, it's one of family. It's one of his family. And you think about Abba father, the perfect father, not just Abba, that means daddy. A lot of people, they hear that and go, oh, that's not a good image for me.

Speaker 2

It's not reverent enough.

Speaker 3

It's not reverent. Well, you blend those two words. The perfect heavenly father, it's the one that we praise and this one, that we see the ocean and throw our heads back and go, wow, I have no place for this. But it's also the intimacy combined. And so I just think about my abba, who went through so much to have a relationship with me.

And then me walking to the car instead of him saying, hey, bud, you gave your best. I think that may matter to people. When I knew this had made a difference in my life, we had spoken at this retreat. Fred used to write before I'd speak. He would just be sitting there with me going, you didn't prep enough. You haven't done enough. But there's a picture and somebody I didn't know, they were taking it. I'm smiling before I'm going up to speak during praise and worship. And it meant so much to me because I thought, that's a change in my life.

Now here, let me say this. I felt so much relief from this that I thought it was done. I know it sounds ridiculous. I know it does. I thought it was done. And so then the book released and the video series released, and Fred goes, look at this. You're so anxious. And you know what? This doesn't even work for you. And you've just shouted to the world that it does. You know what you've done? You've publicized false hope.

And I sat in that for over a month. I've never been more depressed in my life as I was during that, going, look what you have done. You've told them it was easy. You told them they could hear from Abba and they cannot. And I was devastated. And I thought, well, maybe I should do the Fred exercise again. And I listed 47 things. 47 things. And I've learned it's a process.

I had to sit down with the Lord this morning, and I listed 22 things. Because right before you're going to do something like this is when he just comes after me, and he'd say, how you doing? I go, I got to do some Fred work. And I know when I do, it's going to matter because that's when I can hear ABBA with me again. And it's tender and it's. And I want that for people so badly.

Like, so many people come up afterwards and tell me, oh, I've got a Fred. I had a guy that was about 75 years old. He's a millionaire for sure, could have been a billionaire. He goes, my Fred's been mean to me my whole life. And that breaks my heart. It breaks my heart.

Speaker 1

Now, how do you process that in regards to your marriage and maybe even as a dad or a mom? The Fred in the head, how does it.

Speaker 3

So let's say somebody's leaving work and they've got to go by and pick up the kids before they get home and meet their spouse. On the way to pick up the kids, Fred's going, "Ooh, that meeting didn't go so well for you, did it? I could tell. So and so is frustrated with you. You know, I've heard there's layoffs. If I'm them, it's you." You pick up the kids, you're exhausted. You see them, and you're thinking about how you might not be able to provide for them.

When you get home and see your spouse, you walk in with all those insecure thoughts. How do you think they're going to receive you at that moment? Are you happy to see them? Are you a good listener? Are you affectionate? No. Because you've been hanging out with a jerk all afternoon. I mean, if we had a friend like that, first of all, we'd get a new friend. But if there was somebody in our life that just constantly did that, the only person that knows what's going to happen in the future is God. So anybody that's telling you otherwise is lying to you.

What Nancy's got to experience is someone who doesn't need her to be God, who doesn't need her to counteract everything Fred says. She can't do that; it's too much pressure for her. Even when she tries, she can't. What she's gotten to experience is someone who feels loved and secure. Therefore, I'm more present with her. I'm more available for her. She's not worried about me as much, and I'm settled.

You know, when you listen to podcasts, you can listen at different speeds. Like, here's what I know: there's a person like me who listens at two times speed. Yeah, two times. Until I got on here, and then they had to back it up to 0.75. But I think for me, I was always living life at 1.25, just always. I think it slowed me down, which has made me more present.

This exercise seems so silly that people don't believe it works, and they don't even do it. But I think what I found through the whole book, even though there's neuroscience in it and a lot of research, is that what it all boiled down to was simplicity. This way is really the simplest, cleanest, easiest, purest thought in your head. Satan's the author of confusion, and the Abba through this is just like this: I can breathe.

Speaker 2

I want to go through that whole process. But I'm just going to say, speaking to women over the years, this is a majority of us that are living in these ugly places. We've been listening to Fred for so long that it's just. It's so normal that we don't even realize that he's been speaking to us for years.

And it reminds me of John 10:10, where Jesus says, the thief comes only to steal, kill and destroy. I look at that and I think he starts with us and our minds. And in our heads. And I love that Jesus said, but I have come to give you life and live it to the full.

And what I've done, actually, is I've gotten this dog cage because this is what it felt like for me. I felt like I was in bondage. I'm in bondage to Fred in my head. And so I just did this this week. I got inside of this dog cage.

Speaker 1

And I said on stage, he's speaking now, not in our. Not in our family.

Speaker 2

But I get in this dog cage and I say, I am so tired of being in this cage, of listening to the lies of Satan and the past pain of, like, you can't do it, you'll never do it. And you've tried it before and it never works. And I think so many women are saying, yes. And Jesus said, I came to set the captive free. So he opens the door, he says, daughter, come out, son. Lift up your head.

But I was thinking when you said, Dave, like, how does it affect your family? What happens is I get so inside my head that my head goes down and I can't see the people around me because I'm so in bondage to Fred. I love the Fred part. It's just easy to talk about that. And so for me, that's been a process, too. I feel like I'm on this mission, like, we need to set people free because they don't even know they're in bondage. They've just been living it for so long.

So as I was reading your stuff, like, yes, amen. Do it. And Dave, he's lived with it for years. Like, I'd get done speaking. I'd go into hiding. Like, that was awful. And Dave would get done, and I'd say, how are you so free? How can you be so free? And he goes, I just lay it on the altar. Like, lord, I did my best. I'm like, well, I could lay it there, and then I'm going to pick it up over and over again.

Speaker 3

That's such a powerful image. And I think the image that God's put in my head the most is when I'm praying. I just place in my mind to go to the beach that I would go to when we lived in California, when I just really started to fall in love with Jesus.

And I just have this image of him having his hands on my face and his forehead to my forehead, and just people listening. That struggle with Fred Ish will say, you're his. He's got you by the face. He's got his forehead.

Speaker 2

Jesus does. Not Fred.

Speaker 3

Not Fred, not Fred. He's so powerless in the light of who Jesus is. When he puts his hands on your face, like, if somebody's listening right now and they're running or whatever, and they've been struggling with Fred, man or woman, he is just saying to you to breathe. I've got my hands on your face. I got my forehead to your forehead. I'm looking you in the eyes and you are mine. And there's nothing you're going to do that's going to make you any less worthy. And there's nothing you can do to make you more worthy. You are loved and worthy.

And so one day when you're old and you are sitting there not able to accomplish anything, that day does not make you any less worthy. On your most productive day, I have you. Your mind, you're safe. And when you hear voices telling you you're ugly, that is not from your abba. I can guarantee it. I've learned that for some people, there's a different kind of jerk. It's everybody else's fault. And what Fred will do, he'll rob your peace. And you can't hear ABBA because he's telling you why everybody else is wrong.

That's the other thing about. Well, if they just don't listen to you. If they just would do what you would say, if she would only—they look at their spouse and they only see the things, and Fred's just sitting there telling you all the negative things. That's a different kind of. But you can even bring that to Abigail. Wait, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. I just think just the image of simplicity, of our father we make. Ugh. Life gets so complicated, right? And he just goes, I got you. You're fine. You're fine.

I lost my mom when I was 10 years old. And I've been a little bit anxious ever since that someone's gonna break my heart that hard again. I felt alone, and I thought, if I'm gonna be okay, it's gonna be because I make it okay. And I never wanna hear that kind of news again. And I've heard that news again, and it almost knocked me out.

And so even those who've gone through tremendous pain where you feel like if I don't figure all this out, if I don't do all this, then it's not gonna be and it's all gonna fall apart. It is an illusion of a control that we've never had. And it's going, you don't have to control this. You don't have to control this, buddy. I got this. You're fine. And just to feel loved, I just want people to feel loved by him. Cause he loves them so much.

Speaker 2

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Speaker 1

Yeah, you'll get access to exclusive updates and events and the chance to join our partners-only online community.

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So the question is, will you come alongside us and alongside families in need?

Speaker 2

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Speaker 1

I think we make every decision, every day of our life based on these two beliefs: theology and identity. Theology is what I believe about God. Identity is what I believe about myself. When you were just talking to Ted, I was like, oh, there's theology. I have a God who sees me, who loves me, whose forehead is with me. He's with me. If I have a God who's distant and angry, I'm scared; I'm living in fear. But if I have a God who sees me, gets me, he's got me, he's present, and he's loving.

My identity is that I'm his son, I'm his daughter, I'm made in his image. Yes, I'm a sinner, but I'm saved by grace. If that's my identity, based on my theology that I'm loved by God, I walk in my home not thinking I'm an unloving husband. I'm actually a loving husband because I'm loved, and I can love her. I can lead my family. I'm a strong spiritual man. It's like one of my friends, Jamie Winship, we mentioned him before. He says, when you walk in a room knowing God is the king of the universe, you walk in the room with power and authority. Not arrogance, but identity. Like God's going to do something. God just walked in the room. Not that I'm God, but God lives in me.

So here we go. That changes a family, that changes the legacy, that changes the spiritual direction in a home. It puts Fred in the cage and me out of the cage. You know, it's like freedom, right? I love your thought of that. It's like, take that thought captive. It is of the enemy. Reverse that with correct theology and identity. And go, be the man. Be the woman that God's called you to be. God will move.

Speaker 2

I love that. Like, I'm amening everything that's so good. And one of the practices that has helped me, and I feel like you're alluding to this too, Ted, is I take my thoughts captive and I, as you said, I start counting them. You write them down.

And so what I've done is I've done some of that too. I ask myself, what am I believing right now? What am I saying? What is Fred saying to me? What's the enemy saying? So I'll write them down. I remember Jamie and Donna did this with me. They said, just close your eyes. Use your imagination. I want you to take all those things in your hand, the lies that you've been believing that Fred is telling you.

And now I do the same thing. I picture Jesus in front of me and what he was saying. So I picture myself giving them to Jesus, and he takes them. Sometimes he'll do something different with them all the time. One time, he buried it. But the beautiful thing is I remember them saying, what's it feel like to be free of that? Or, what would he say to you through Scripture? Because he'll speak the things the scripture would speak to you.

So that's been freeing to me to just hand them over, bury them, give it to Jesus. You write them out. What do you do to them after you write them?

Speaker 3

I always pray by journaling on my computer. And so I wrote all those this morning. Delete.

Speaker 2

That's good.

Speaker 3

What do you say? You get no space in my hard drive, on my computer or my little hard drive. Oh, that's good. You're gone. You're gone. I'm not keeping you now. Abba, what would you say to all this? Because I had to categorize them in a general sense. Usually, I'll write a thought, and there were so many that I had to go, okay, I think I hear you being a fortune teller. I hear you being a labeler. I hear you being a shameless. There's just so many of you. Delete.

All right, Abba, what are you saying? Sometimes it's even my anxiety. It'll be. Fred will be like, hey, you need to go do this now. Do this, do this if you don't get this done. And what I've watched is I've watched him change tactics with me. I've watched him go from attacking me and labeling and becoming so obvious. When I kind of was like, wait, that's Fred, then he would come. I started to realize, oh, he is telling me things about how God feels about me.

Now that God's mad at me, God's frustrated. There's a beautiful song by Patrick Mayberry that I played on the way over here. It's called "How You Love Me." One of the greatest lines in it goes, "You're not mad and you're not scary." All this guilt and shame that I've carried is when you die for me. He starts, "Could it really be this simple that you love me like you say you do?" I mean, come on. It is that simple. It is. The enemy is constantly confusing that it is this simple. He loves you. So I delete those thoughts.

Speaker 2

That's good. I think it'd be a great homework assignment. It's a scary one. But to even ask your spouse, are there lies that you believe in your head? Like, is there a Fred? Explain the Fred in the head.

Are there things that you're believing that I don't even know about? Maybe as a couple and maybe even as a family? Like, I'm thinking our teenagers, our kids in school, they're little, and they're starting to believe the Fred in their head? The enemy is after our kids.

So just to talk about it openly is something that could be really beneficial to a family. And start out as the mom or dad saying, this is something I've struggled with, to let it be known. Like, I've struggled with this, too.

Speaker 3

I take my kids with me on speaking events sometimes, and my daughter's name is Teddy, and we call hers Freddie. And, you know, if there's anybody that's got a Freddie in their head, it's teenage girls.

Speaker 2

Yes.

Speaker 3

And. Wow. It's been a journey with her. But it's just I've loved being able to talk about it to your point.

Speaker 2

Yeah.

Speaker 3

That. Hey, baby, that's not who Jesus is. That's not what. That's not him.

Speaker 1

What a great day with Ted Lowe. I hope we can get him back again, because I think he really dug into some stuff that's going to change our marriages.

Speaker 2

Me, too. And if I were you, I would get the book, because here's what I've done with the book. I've just underlined it all over the place, but it helps keep it in your mind.

And I think it's one of those conversations you can have with other people that will help them.

Speaker 1

Yeah. So the book is called Us in Mind. Change youe Thoughts, Change youe marriage. You can get it@familylifetoday.com just click the link in the show notes.

Speaker 2

We've put together some really of our best material in one place. It's free and you can go to familylife.com mary reach help and check it out because we'll probably have something there that will meet your needs.

Speaker 1

Family Life today is a donor supportive ministry of Family Life, a crew ministry helping you pursue the relationships that matter most.