FamilyLife Today®

Trevor Kravick: We have to get in the discipline of structuring our lives in a way that we have margin enough to respond to those moments and those opportunities. I think that is the biggest challenge. You go to the self-checkout lane, well that could be faster. But if I go through the regular checkout lane, I have someone that I'm going to be engaging with.

Ann Wilson: Welcome to FamilyLife Today where we want to help you pursue the relationships that matter most. I'm Ann Wilson.

Dave Wilson: And I'm Dave Wilson, and you can find us at FamilyLifeToday.com. This is FamilyLife Today.

Hey, this is Dave and Ann. We're not with you today but we're with you in heart as Dave's recovering.

Ann Wilson: Yeah, it's going well just because I know you just want to know how the knees are doing. I'm going up and down stairs, I'm sleeping in my own bed. I'm even driving already. But who cares about us? Today, Cheryl Shumake is having Tanya and Trevor Kravick back on to talk about marriage on mission. This is a topic you don't want to miss and you want to share with others. So, enjoy.

Cheryl Shumake: So let's talk a little bit about your kids being involved, which I absolutely love. I know a man who has 14 children. They are all now adults. Many of them are married and he has a ton of grandchildren as well, but he and his wife have a ministry that they started just because they just loved God.

They were just going out and evangelizing all over the country, Mardi Gras, Indy 500, wherever there was a crowd. We're going to take the gospel. Then they went from that to disaster relief, and their children are in the middle of it. All of them are in ministry. They're in the mission field. They are in churches. They're worship leaders because from the beginning they had a vision for their family that our family would serve the Lord. Not just me, not just my wife, but all of us together, we will serve the Lord. They will know the Lord for themselves and have a passion for the lost, for making disciples who make disciples as well.

Talk to me a little bit about your children being involved. Was that intentional from the beginning? Okay, in what way?

Tanya Kravick: Oh yeah, for sure. We really had a desire always, first of all to serve. We both love people. Even before our children came into the picture, we wanted to be able to encourage people, whatever that looked like, if it was serving them or words of affirmation or whatever, however we could love. When our kids, when the Lord started to provide all these children, we were like, we're just bringing them along for whatever is going on.

But then pretty soon you start to see where they thrive and how they love to serve. So creating spaces where they could actually be serving in those environments so that it was enjoyable and they could really see how God was at work.

For example, one of the things we did when they were little and we were serving with Weekend to Remember is we would tell them that when we came home, they were part of serving this weekend by having good behavior for their caretaker. That was important because it allowed us to be there. Then we would sit down with them and we would read comments from the weekend.

When you saw that this woman learned how to love her husband well, you were part of that because this weekend you prayed. You were part of that. It's significant. Your contribution of behavior this weekend is significant because these couples got to hear God's plan for their marriage because you did your part and our part was to be there.

I think really their involvement started way back then when they were really little and we could tell them this was what God invited you to do. But then as they were able, I mean our youngest was four standing on a milk crate behind the serving line giving people their asparagus on their plates.

Trevor Kravick: He was learning how to handle rejection because nobody wants the asparagus. So he had to learn how to handle rejection at a young age.

And then we would do dishes, we would wash the dishes afterwards. It was interesting. We were asking them about memories like, what are the memories that stand out to you as we moved across the state and growing up? One of our kids said, "I remember that you used to make us pick up 10 pieces of garbage across the camp before we could go to the beach and swim."

Tanya Kravick: I had completely forgotten about that.

Trevor Kravick: But she said that taught me how important it is to be part of making an environment where people feel comfortable.

Tanya Kravick: I thought wow, that is such a neat way to respond to that question. I didn't realize that that was significant to our kids.

Cheryl Shumake: So much of what children get and grow into into adulthood is caught rather than taught, but we have to put them in the environment where they can catch it. It sounds like you all made a very intentional decision. What about the parent who didn't do this when they were four or five or six and now I have teenagers? I would love to invite them into the spaces where their dad and I minister. What can I do now to invite them into that space?

Trevor Kravick: I would say the first thing you need to do is surround yourself with people who pray and ask them for prayer support as you seek to have this conversation or create these opportunities. Then pray yourselves. There's so much power in that and I don't say it flippantly. You really need to spend time with the Lord and in his word to discover these opportunities.

Know the right time. The right time is not when they're sleeping in until noon and you've got to argue with them to get them up to walk out the door or to do their chores. Create sweet moments. Lord, provide to us an opportunity to have these conversations. Sometimes you have to create them by creating an adventure or an activity that they would enjoy, but create a space where that would be positioned in the best possible light. Have a discussion with them because it's much like when we engage people about their burden area. Just because they're children in our house doesn't mean the Lord hasn't already created the good works in advance that they should walk in.

Discovery and curiosity and leaning into that and not forming a role that they should fill but discovering what opportunity would best serve them and their skill set.

Tanya Kravick: We talk a lot about the importance of studying our spouse, continuing to get to know our spouse. I think that holds true with our kids. Are we taking the time to study them at each stage of their development to see who they really are? What really gets them excited? What really drains them? What brings them joy?

What are the unique skills that God has given them and cheering those on even when they're not the one that was ours? You hear the stories about the parent who played basketball and they force their kids to play basketball because they want them to be the basketball star that they once were or that they didn't quite get to.

How different could that look if we looked at our child who loves hockey and we admonished that, we encouraged that, we cheered them on in their love for that sport and created opportunities to enter into their world? Learning who our kids really are and then creating opportunities within you're saying like how do we have them join us? There's always a space for them to join what we're already doing, but if we're creative and we're prayerful, God will show us where they can join us as we join the Lord where they're going to feel valued and excited and like their investment really does matter for the kingdom of God.

Cheryl Shumake: Tanya, what is one thing, one area of growth that you have seen in Trevor that you want to celebrate as watching him through this missional lifestyle?

Tanya Kravick: There's so much. I have watched him completely transform who he was. When we were dating, seriously dating, there was a moment where we were having conversation about emotion and I was asking him how do you feel about something maybe or something that would have required an emotional response.

He didn't have words and he couldn't communicate emotion. I remember saying if this isn't an area that you can grow in, I don't know that we can pursue marriage. I need to be married to someone who's able to communicate with me about how they feel and what they think about things.

That was a really defining moment because he said I'm willing to learn. 25 years later, I'm married to someone who, I have a chronic illness, when I was very, very ill, came and sat with me and was empathetic and asked thoughtful questions and genuinely cared for me and demonstrated emotional capacity that he didn't have 20 years earlier. Just seeing his willingness to be a student not just of me but of how to grow to be someone who is emotionally healthy to connect with others emotionally, I think that's probably one of the biggest ways that I've seen. It required great intentionality. It's not something that was demonstrated in his family of origin. It's not something that he knew or even was interested in until that conversation and he put a stake in the ground that day and said I'm going to learn, and he has.

Cheryl Shumake: Wonderful. Trevor, what about you? What would you like to celebrate today about Tanya?

Trevor Kravick: That's an easy one. About seven years ago she started a journey of gratitude and every day taking hold of the things to be thankful for. It came from a place of not being grateful, but she asked the Lord, "How do I turn this around? How do I change my spirit from a critical spirit to being one that is thankful and grateful?"

She started recording every day and she does it on social media, but it's a grateful post. Every single day there's something that we can be grateful for. As I've seen her grow in this area, it's just really shown me the influence a posture of gratefulness and thankfulness can have to people who are struggling, who are going through this life feeling depressed or down. She's authentic with it. I just really appreciate that she's learned this skill. It's not easy and it takes time, but she's doing a great job at that and I'm celebrating that about her today.

Dave Wilson: Hey, Dave Wilson here to talk about the Love Like You Mean It marriage cruise that you've got to be on with Ann and I. It's epic, it's life-changing, it's marriage-changing, and it's a lot of fun in the sun. It's on a boat and we work on marriages. So it sells out and you don't want to miss it. Here's how you can get in. Go to LoveLikeYouMeanItCruise.com. Use the promo code familylife, that's one word, familylife. That gives you a discount. Go to LoveLikeYouMeanItCruise.com promo code familylife. We will see you on the boat.

Cheryl Shumake: You all have made some amazing moves in your desire to surrender to God and there are a lot of couples I know who feel like that is way out of my league. I just can't do that. If I'm going to be on mission but I am not called to give up my entire lifestyle or upend my entire lifestyle, what are just some very day-to-day things that I can do?

I think of an organization in Michigan. It was a medical clinic. It is still a medical clinic and it provides free medical care to un- and underinsured individuals. I was on their board and also volunteered with them. There's a pantry and dental service and just so many, it's a wraparound service.

It was started by a doctor and his wife who just saw a need and they out of the trunk of his car, he just started driving around and providing medical care to people in this community that he knew people were not, they didn't have insurance in this community. If I have a gift, a talent, a skill, but God is not calling me to move to a town with 250 people or to even come work for FamilyLife, what can I do in the day-to-day?

Trevor Kravick: There's so many stories that are running through my head right now as I think about the people who serve in the team of FamilyLife in Wisconsin. Even the reference to pulling up to a community and opening your trunk, we have friends, Joe and Abby, who started feeding their friends without homes by providing soup to them at the library parking lot in their community. That wasn't because they had resources. It's because the Lord gave them a burden and it was simple and yet very effective. That has grown into something more than they could have ever thought it could be.

Tanya Kravick: Paul David Tripp says we live in a hurry-sick world. I love that statement. It's very true. So I think what is the natural place for you to see a need and say I can do that? Because we're busy. But where are the places that you already go that you're already walking, that you're already driving, where you know that there's a need that you have the capacity to meet, that you're going to be excited to get to meet?

Trevor Kravick: We have to get in the discipline of structuring our lives in a way that we have margin enough to respond to those moments and those opportunities. I think that is the biggest challenge. You go to the self-checkout lane, well that could be faster. But if I go through the regular checkout lane, I have someone that I'm going to be engaging with.

One of our favorite questions when we're going through the checkout lane that sometimes results in spiritual conversations is, "What is the greatest bit of marital advice you've ever received or given to somebody else?" We say, "Are you married?" We hear some of the most amazing responses to that question, but it allows for us to have a heart connection with that individual.

Now they're in our community and we go to the grocery store, we have six mouths to feed in our home, we go pretty often. We would see them and we would deliberately once we started engaging in that conversation start looking and being like, is so-and-so working today? and try to get into their lane and continue that conversation because well they're paid to do it so but it was just a way that we could bless them with our time and unhurriedness and engage them.

Tanya Kravick: If we just go back to the team really quick, just help me think through a few of the ways that some of our teammates are living missionally. They're caring for patients in hospice.

Trevor Kravick: Getting trained on a program that does crisis mentorship and opening your home for 16 weeks to invest in another couple. That can happen once or twice a year.

Tanya Kravick: They're walking with foster care families. They are offering parenting, working with single parents. They're doing blended family ministry, leading a small group once a year in your home. Once a year, six weeks. It's one hour. Not only are you going to help encourage others but you're going to grow so much. That's such a simple thing.

Trevor Kravick: We have one dear couple that built a blessing box they call it. You've seen those little miniature libraries on the corners in towns where you can come take a book and drop a book off. They put a series of different books in there to bless people but also have a slot on the side for prayer requests. So just a simple way to engage their community and that's inactive. They built the box, they set it out there, they go retrieve the prayer requests and pray for them.

Cheryl Shumake: I hear intention. I hear look for the need. I also hear listen to the Lord, be prayerful, and ask the Lord what is the burden that you have placed in my heart. Trevor, you mentioned margin and that is so huge in our hurry-up-and-get-it-done world and do-more-hustle mentality that we have. What does it look like to build margin in our lives? Maybe I don't have an extra five minutes to wait in the checkout line. What can I be doing proactively so that I can build margin?

Trevor Kravick: Through my life I've had several people speak wisdom to me and one of the things that we heard was there's things that you're going to have to say no to in order to say the best yes that you can possibly bring. I think that sort of sticks as a mantra with us. Okay, there's these opportunities or there's even a daily choice that I can say I'm not going to do that because I prefer to do this other thing or I don't want to feel so rushed.

Not having as many activities, not signing our kids up, and I don't want to make anyone feel bad for doing this, but not signing our kids up for three different activities that meet on three of the five days of the week and then they've got their games on the other parts of the week and turning yourself into Uber parents where you're just driving from here to there to there.

There's opportunities in those moments too, but choosing if we're going to do something, we have families that we know where we're a basketball family. Everyone does basketball, but it creates a space where we're not running to all these different places. So just slowing things down and taking a look around and being aware of what's happening around you.

What are specific strategic choices that we can make to set our phones down? Another thing our kids reflected on about their upbringing that was valuable to them was we tried to have family meals and sitting around a table and just slowing down and being intentional to speak about what God was doing in our lives. A high-low kind of reflection that Tanya would often bring to our discussions of what was the best part of your day, what was the most difficult part of your day, and just connecting on those levels. For creating a meal and sitting down at a table, you've got to create space. So saying no to some things so that you can say yes to the best.

Tanya Kravick: The other part of margin too I think is it's okay to schedule that in. It's okay to schedule in that this is an empty space of my calendar and we don't have to feel bad about that. Leave room for the Lord.

Cheryl Shumake: If you could encourage a couple trying to faithfully follow God, what would you want them to hear, one thing each?

Trevor Kravick: Surrendering to the Lord is not giving up. It's allowing yourself to be invited into the most amazing opportunities that you could ever experience for things that will outlast you. The investment we make in kingdom work is an investment that will outlive us and it is really the only thing that will be sustained beyond us because we're promised that all the things, all the stuff, all the events, all the activities, all the scheduling, that's all going to go away. But if we deposit our seeds of faith into others, whether that be our four walls or the community around us, those are things that will flourish and grow and produce fruit far beyond us.

Tanya Kravick: We say to our team often: live in such a way that you are available, faithful, and obedient. And when you do, you get a front row seat to the greatest show you've ever seen.

Cheryl Shumake: I love that. Thank you so very much. Trevor, would you close us out by praying for the couple who is struggling to live missionally although they really want to, and especially for the spouse who desires it but has a spouse that may be a little bit more resistant?

Trevor Kravick: Dear Heavenly Father, Son, Holy Spirit, we acknowledge that you have done a mighty work in our lives and called us into your family for your purpose. Lord, I lift up couples now that are maybe just hearing of what you've done in our lives and considering maybe taking a step of faith in pursuing the work that you've placed in front of them.

Lord, you don't call us to lose our individuality when you call us into your kingdom work. So I just pray as they recognize that you might be working in the Holy Spirit to call them intentionally into a space to be patient and curious of one another as you speak to them each individually and have equipped them each individually.

Lord, for the spouse who is like, "Man, she's doing it again, she's racing off ahead of me," Lord, would you just give them humility and an attitude of just curiosity as they learn more about why you've placed that very good thing in the heart of their spouse? Lord, would you equip them for the very thing you're calling them towards and would you allow them to foster an environment in their households that would be great commission minded?

That Matthew 28 verse referenced earlier, that we would go make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in your name. Lord, thank you for this time and thank you for the couples and Lord, for your victory that is already won that we could be a part of. In Jesus' name, amen.

Dave Wilson: Okay, do you feel like as you're recovering from your knee surgery, do you feel like we're on mission?

Ann Wilson: Yeah, it's a little different. I'm not running around and doing all the ministry stuff we normally do, but when I go to rehab every day, I walk in a room with all these people suffering from different surgeries basically like me and I feel like I'm a light. It's what the mission's about. I'm not just walking in there as another patient, I'm walking in there as the light of Jesus to love people, see people. They're in pain, I'm in pain, and God wants to use me. And that's what Cheryl was talking about today. It's like we are always on mission if we open our eyes and look around. God wants to use us to bring the gospel and to bring his love to others.

Dave Wilson: And if you're looking for a resource that would just help remind you of that, we have one at FamilyLife and it's called *Your Marriage Has a Mission*. And that's just a FamilyLife couple's study that you could go through. You can get it at FamilyLifeToday.com just click the link in the show notes.

FamilyLife Today is a donor-supported production of FamilyLife, a Cru ministry, celebrating 50 years of helping you pursue the relationships that matter most.