FamilyLife Today®

Ron Deal: When he first got sick, and we took him to a doctor the next day, 1 they didn't really find anything. You know, you you trust the medical professionals in your world. He wasn't okay. Two days later, we're like rushing him to the hospital and you know, then a week later he's gone. And you just rewind those moments of your life and you go, what did I miss?

Ann Wilson: Welcome to Family Life Today where we want to help you pursue the relationships that matter most. I'm Anne Wilson.

Dave Wilson: And I'm Dave Wilson and you can find us at familylifetoday.com. This is Family Life Today. Okay, let's talk about parenting guilt. What a great topic.

Ann Wilson: Oh, man, I wore that cloak for a long time.

Dave Wilson: Oh, we all do.

Ann Wilson: Shame, guilt, like I'm messing up my kids.

Dave Wilson: We got somebody on the studio today that probably never had that guilt.

Ron Deal: Oh my goodness.

Dave Wilson: Ron Deal.

Ron Deal: What time is it?

Dave Wilson: From our blended ministry is in the studio, Ron.

Ron Deal: Hey.

Dave Wilson: Have you had that?

Ron Deal: Absolutely.

Dave Wilson: Has any parent not had that?

Ann Wilson: Do you think there's a parent that hasn't had it?

Ron Deal: Um somebody who's unconscious

Ann Wilson: Or or a total narcissist.

Dave Wilson: A total narcissist. I mean, I can remember, you know, obviously our kids are older. Our oldest just turned 40.

Ron Deal: Mm.

Dave Wilson: That just scares me that old. You guys way that's true.

Ron Deal: Scares me that old. You guys way that's true.

Dave Wilson: We that old. We had him as teenagers, but that's another story.

Ann Wilson: No, I can remember especially with him cuz he's number one. Literally saying things and in that moment thinking he's going to be on a counselor's couch. I just wounded him for life. You know, like I regret and guilt.

Dave Wilson: Yes.

Ann Wilson: I think it's every parent. Oh, and it's not even funny. Like I cried so many nights thinking like, why did I say that? Why did I do that? I should have done this. I should know better. And it can be so overwhelming.

Ron Deal: It can be. You guys are reminded me of our good friend Brian Goins, what he says about parenting. What is parenting but preparing your children for therapy?

Dave Wilson: I mean, of course we're going to feel bad about something. We know we're imperfect people. We want everything for our children. Like we want them to be richer than us and more stable in their lives and all of it, right?

Ann Wilson: Yes. We don't want them to have pain.

Dave Wilson: We don't.

Ann Wilson: We recently had Abby Wedge Worth on and she wrote a book called Help, I'm Ruining My Kids. Isn't that a great title?

Dave Wilson: It is a great title.

Ann Wilson: But let me ask you this, Ron. As step parents, do they feel that even more so?

Dave Wilson: I I think so. If you're conscious of what influence you're bringing to the lives of the children that the Lord has given to you under your care, you're mindful that something's not quite awesome in terms of how you're parenting them and the influence that you're bringing and that that is going to have some sort of negative impact on them. And it may not be something that was your fault. It just may be something that you're a in the room for or you're a part of or sort of passively connected to and you still feel bad.

I mean, nobody ever wants to see a child suffer. And so you know, whether you can take the immediate blame for that or it's sort of a indirect connection to whatever is happening, you feel bad about that.

Ann Wilson: Well, I'm even thinking of maybe somebody that's just recently gone through a divorce. They're not remarried, but they're thinking, I just wrecked my kid because we got a divorce.

Dave Wilson: Yeah. And if you didn't choose the divorce, your spouse did, you're still sitting there going and I'm watching my kids suffer because of this breakup of our family.

Ron Deal: I mean, that's my childhood. My mom did not choose it even though she had to initiate it. It just got so bad, but I knew she felt so much guilt and a protection like he's lost his dad. How do I navigate this? Then when my dad remarried, I sensed my step mom trying to save me from the trauma she knew I went through. So she was over the top.

Ann Wilson: And she had been through a divorce.

Ron Deal: Yeah, so I mean, there's that that complexity.

Dave Wilson: Let me just say something. You've hit on something. Let's talk about this. For single parents, for blended family couples, people foster parents, adoptive parents who have a child now under the care, who has been through some something hard in life or they wouldn't be in the foster care system, for example, you want to help and you want to sort of love that pain out of them and you're trying. And yet when you see the sadness show up again in their face or you see the anger and how they react to something, you go that pain's still there.

It's not quite you know, what can I do? That sense of guilt is I think even double on top of the regular parent guilt. Can I say it that way? Where we all just want good things for our kids and we know we just blew it. Somebody else blew it. You want to try to help move that pain out of them and you can't seem to get there and you feel guilty about that too. It's paralyzing. One of the biggest problems we face with the biological parent in a blended family especially who feels sad for their kids and guilty over what the kids have been through, then tries to make up for that by letting them off the hook by going soft on behavioral management, by going heavy on compassion and love and care

Ann Wilson: By buying them everything they ever wanted.

Dave Wilson: You got sympathy and that paralyzes that person from following through with parental activity, if I could say it that way. You know, the the behavioral limit stuff that we've all got to do in parenting. And so it's you feel like if I buy them stuff, if I'm soft on discipline, then they won't have any more hard. Well, guess what? That's a setup when a step parent enters the picture and goes, boy, your kids get away with everything. How come you're letting them off? You know, why is that? You know what? Somebody's got to stand up and do what's right and the step parent tries to take over and fix like your mom or your step mom, Dave, she tried to fix what had happened.

And now all of a sudden that puts a step parent in a bad position trying to parent in ways that a spouse or children won't let them do.

Ann Wilson: Ron, one of the step parents just heard that and like, what are you talking about? Like this family has needed me to step in.

Dave Wilson: I really believe a lot of what we call wicked step mothers or abusive step fathers are people who are just trying too hard to fix stuff they didn't bring about and they don't really have any control over now, but they're they're loving big with their hearts. But unfortunately, they're taking a position with a child of authority that the child doesn't recognize and that the other biological parent who has gone soft with the kids has been paralyzed now undercuts the step parent. So you are set up really sabotaged in trying to repair. You're offering what you think is something helpful for the children, but unfortunately it just keeps you pushed out further further as an outsider and the family won't let you in and won't let you have that voice and it sabotages not only your parenting, but listen to this, that always sabotages the marriage at the exact same moment.

Ann Wilson: We know life is full of challenges and Family Today need biblical truth more than ever. And as a Family Life Partner, your monthly gift helps bring the truth into homes every single day through podcasts, events, and resources.

Dave Wilson: So let's make a lasting difference together. Become a partner today. Just go to familylifetoday.com and click the donate button. Okay, so I'm sitting here from where we started thinking, okay, I have regrets.

Ron Deal: I do, too.

Dave Wilson: Let's talk about them.

Ron Deal: Yeah.

Dave Wilson: Do you have any?

Ron Deal: Oh, yeah.

Dave Wilson: What would they be? Help I'm ruining my kids. What's a regret?

Ron Deal: When my oldest son was four or five, I was outside, you know, trying to fix something. I had a hammer and some wood. I don't even remember what it what it was I was doing.

Dave Wilson: Does that not sound good?

Ron Deal: He's sitting in the driveway watching me hammer something and get frustrated. And by the way, when I'm not good at something, that's when I lose my cool. That's my sense of inadequacy coming out. I know that now. I didn't know that let me see 28 years ago, right? When he was three. And I got frustrated and threw the hammer down into the cement and broke the hammer.

Dave Wilson: Broke it.

Ron Deal: Yeah, pretty powerful, huh? I don't should I be proud of that? I don't think so. I threw the hammer down, I broke it and then I look up and there's my three year old just watching the entire thing.

Dave Wilson: Mm.

Ron Deal: And I was like, he saw all that. He saw my anger. He saw my frustration. And then I start thinking, I saw my dad do this. This is where I got it. I'm repeating what my son's going to repeat what I just did and I felt horrible. Now that's a simple little moment that was sort of ridiculous really at the end of the day, but I knew it left something in my child

Ann Wilson: Mm.

Ron Deal: because I had been the recipient of watching that frustration and my I know how that stuff stays with you. And I thought, I blew it. What do I do now?

Ann Wilson: Mm.

Ron Deal: I got that regret. Not showing up for my family in consistent ways during the years where I was chasing my identity and my work and I was so focused on that when I was I'd be home, but I really wasn't home. Like I think I was 80% home, but that 20% I feel guilty over.

Ann Wilson: Mm.

Ron Deal: I think there was seasons of our of me being a dad where I was 100% involved. And I have a strong relationship with my kids and

Dave Wilson: Yeah.

Ron Deal: but there were moments where I was unavailable and I looked back and I thought lost opportunity. I have regrets with Connor. For those listening or watching don't know our son passed away when he was 12, our middle son. It's been 17 years now.

Dave Wilson: Mm.

Ron Deal: And we made decisions to move to a city, to take a certain job, to do a certain thing and that's where he passed away.

Ann Wilson: Ah.

Ron Deal: I have you know, I think about that. I think, okay, if I hadn't chased that opportunity, would he still be here?

Ann Wilson: Oh, Ron.

Ron Deal: I mean, that's deep in me. You can you know, the emotion rises up because I I just wonder

Ann Wilson: Yeah.

Ron Deal: what's that mean? You know? And there were days when when he first got sick and we took him to a doctor the next day. They didn't really find anything. And we just said okay. You know, you you trust the medical professionals in your world.

Dave Wilson: Yeah.

Ron Deal: He wasn't okay.

Ann Wilson: Ah.

Ron Deal: Two days later, we're like rushing him to the hospital and you know, then a week later he 's gone. And you just rewind those moments of your life and you go, what did I miss?

Dave Wilson: Mm.

Ron Deal: Now in my right mind, I can tell myself, I don't hold the world in my hand. I'm I think loss makes us go I'm really small. I am tiny in the universe and I thought I was large. I thought I controlled the world.

Ann Wilson: I thought I could protect all my people.

Ron Deal: I thought I could do all that stuff, right? And that's sort of the way we approach life. And then loss teaches us, no, no, no, no, you're really small. I am big in my heavenly father's heart. I am so valuable valuable to him. But in terms of controlling life and with the world, I am tiny. And so I know in my right mind I am at peace with that. It was not up to me. But in my heart cuz I miss my son. I just wonder could I have done something? I don't know how we as loving parents who want the best for our children.

I don't know how we not wonder those things and have regret.

Ann Wilson: For sure. When you go before God, what does he assure you when you tell him all those regrets?

Ron Deal: Yeah. He reminds me he's the big one.

Dave Wilson: Mm.

Ron Deal: He's the one who sifts everything through his hands and allows what he allows even though I don't like it that Connor's gone. I know that's not on me.

Ann Wilson: Yeah, but it's still

Ron Deal: Yeah.

Dave Wilson: He still would sit there and think through all that. Do you have any?

Ann Wilson: Of course I do. Let me hear yours first.

Dave Wilson: Hear mine. I mean, honestly it pales, you know, cuz it wasn't life or death. One of my sons was on staff with me at the church and my co-founder laid into him one day in a in a meeting and Steve is a great leader, but sometimes he could get angry and

Ann Wilson: Yeah. And you were present.

Dave Wilson: And I was sitting here and my son was there and another staff member was there and he just laid into him. And if it had been you, Ron, or anybody else on my on my team, I know I would have said Steve, this is this is inappropriate. This is out of it was very angry. And what he was saying was not even, you know, true, but he was just taken out, but I said nothing because it's my son and I don't want to be accused of nepotism. So I let it happen. I found out later the other staff member kicked my son under the table like, dude, this is so bad.

You don't deserve this. And his dad said nothing. Talk about a regret cuz I think later he's like, dad, how did you just sit there and let me get beat up like that? I'm like, well, you know, I didn't want him to That was one of those moments where you just step in. I don't care what you say to me. You know, I'm going to I'm going to defend my boy here cuz it's wrong what's happening to him. Like I would anybody else. He shouldn't get he got the opposite because he's my son. Instead of favoritism I that that's a regret.

Ron Deal: That's one of those double binds where you didn't feel like you could win for losing.

Dave Wilson: Nope.

Ann Wilson: Yeah. What I regret at this point in my life when I look back, I regret that I didn't know who I was in my identity yet. And because of that I in the early years parented out of a performance. I cared what people thought of my parenting. I thought when they looked at my kids, it reflected on me. And so I was very conscious of what they were and they weren't doing. I mean, I have that story of we were at this event with all of our friends, probably 30 of us. And all the foods laid out and I've shared this before, but somebody says, hey, let's pray for the food.

It's all the adults, all of the kids, so many of us. And it's all quiet. Somebody's getting ready to pray and our son says, this food looks like poop. And I was like mortified. The pastor's kid, what? And so by the time he had this whole attitude the whole time he was 14 and when we got to the car, I got in the car. He was getting in the car, but I I shouldered him into a snowbank and he fell into the snowbank and then I locked all the locks on the car and I wouldn't let him in.

What does that have to do with him and his attitude? It was me and me caring about what his performance reflected on me. And I'm like, who cares what everybody thinks? All of our kids have things, we have things, and I feel like there's so many I parented out of a brokenness for so long. And I apologized so often to all of them and cried and but I still like as a listener I'm just saying, man, deal with your stuff. That's inside. Maybe you don't even know what it is, but maybe God's showing you some of your pain points.

Dave Wilson: I actually think I mean, cuz I have the same type of stories. When you kind of get clear of that moment and you look back and you go, man, I lost it. What I did this that was inappropriate. Like I don't even know why I did it. That is a little bit of a litmus test.

Ann Wilson: Right.

Dave Wilson: Think of it as an assessment. And it's trying to shout to you, hey, Ron, you got something inside. You got to wrestle with. There's something in there. You need to figure out what this thing is. So for you, now that you're on this side of your identity,

Ann Wilson: Yeah.

Dave Wilson: you can look back and you go, I can see how silly that was. What my child did is not a reflection of who I am or my worth in the world or how whether God loves me or whether I'm a decent parent or not. But the other side of it, you couldn't see that at all. Same with me throwing the hammer, like wow, just cuz I'm not adequate to fix something doesn't mean I'm not a man, I'm not good, I am not valuable. It's just that's not my skill set. Like I now get that that I didn't get way back when my oldest son was three.

So allow those moments of disregulation of lack of control

Ann Wilson: Of stupidity.

Dave Wilson: to be to be of stupidity. Let's call it what it is. Allow those moments to show you something, to teach you, to to beg you to do the work, to understand that part of you.

Ron Deal: Yeah, what do you do with the regret if it feels like it's clung to you and you want to shake it off? You shared yours with Connor. I've got mine. We've all got them.

Ann Wilson: You're asking like, what's wrong with me?

Ron Deal: Yeah.

Dave Wilson: Yeah, but I mean, at this point

Ann Wilson: So you're saying now it's just regret.

Dave Wilson: You want to say, okay, I've got to let it go cuz help I'm ruining my kids. She didn't ruin your kids. In some ways they're better because of those moments. And again, there are moments that you you do think that that left a mark.

Ann Wilson: And you have to repent and go back.

Dave Wilson: And you have to but if you're carrying it around like a weight, a burden, at some point I think God wants to say, you got to let go of it. It's decades ago. I want you free today. Help our parent do that cuz there's some going, I can't let go.

Ron Deal: Okay, let's say there's some things we're talking about here that involve sin.

Dave Wilson: Yeah.

Ron Deal: And you really did hurt somebody and you might need to go and ask for forgiveness. I don't care how long that's been. That might be the appropriate thing

Ann Wilson: Yeah. Yeah.

Ron Deal: to do. I think sometimes we ask for forgiveness and we still can't let go of the regret. We still beat ourselves up over that.

Ann Wilson: Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

Ron Deal: Ultimately I think we're still searching for something. Like I can just speak for me. For me this whole thing of adequacy adds up to how well I did today in this this being a dad and being a husband and being an employee and doing my work, somehow that all added up to whether or not I was a person of worth and value. And until I finally understood that and realized what I was ultimately chasing, I couldn't let go of my regret. Now I see it for what it is and I go, wow, well, first of all, that's not how you earn worth.

That comes from Jesus loving me and making me more than I am and turns out I don't have to be adequate. And that was the most liberating thought I've ever had. I've been a Christian for I don't know 45 years of my life or something before I went, wow, nothing says I have to be adequate. Nothing in scripture demands that of me. Jesus is happy to embrace me as an inadequate person. This is the narrative of everybody in the Bible.

Ann Wilson: Yeah, we're all broken.

Ron Deal: So I guess I'm still loved. I guess I'm still a contributor to this world. I can bring light to darkness. And it's okay that I blew it. Now there's residue from that moment of where I blew it. There's a little bit of impact on my kids and yeah, I can try to clean that up to whatever degree life allows me to. But the rest of it I just got to release since it really doesn't add up to anything of substance anyway.

Dave Wilson: Yeah.

Ron Deal: Now that's what's been helpful for me. How somebody else wrestles with a regret. You know, they've they've got to they got to find their way through it.

Dave Wilson: Is that is that what you do? Like when Ron said release, I can picture you cuz you're so visual just going

Ann Wilson: Yeah.

Dave Wilson: letting that baby float up to the heavens like those lights.

Ann Wilson: No, I have to I have to see myself handing it to Jesus. I see the regret in my hand and I hand it to him in my head. I picture handing it to him. And usually in my mind cuz we use our imaginations all the time, so why not use it for this? In my mind I picture him getting rid of it. He's the one that allows it to float up or bury it or whatever. And then I can't re-dig it back up.

Dave Wilson: Mm.

Ann Wilson: You know, because it's easy to go back and say like, oh, it's it can feel heavy again later. And so it's that constant surrender. Like I'm not going to dwell on that. It's been forgiven. He's taken it. I'm going to live in freedom today. What about you?

Dave Wilson: Uh I'm just thinking of uh a thing we used to teach college athletes

Ann Wilson: Mm.

Dave Wilson: about how to apply your faith or your walk with God in to competition. In other words, don't pray the Lord's prayer and then go out there and play like idiots. Not not in terms of ability, but you know, bad attitudes and cursing. It's like

Ann Wilson: Attitude and cursing.

Dave Wilson: I want to take Jesus onto the court with me, onto the field with me. And so we would teach these we call the principles of athletic perfection by Wes Neal. And one of them was called focal point. And focal point was an Old Testament idea of the of the the priests in the Old Testament have tassels on their the hem of their garment. And God said, I I want you to have those so when you look at them, you you're reminded who you are, who I am, what you're doing. We get in these competitions and we as a team decide, okay, we want to we want to be a witness and a light for Jesus in this public softball tournament.

What's our focal point? And so our pitcher said, you know, before every pitch I'm just going to do this with the ball. Nobody will know what I'm doing. It's not going to be a showy thing, but I'm just going to hold it up for a second and everybody in the field will look at it and just go, we're out here for Jesus is what we're about. So I think in a sense it's like find something visual and what Wendell taught us back then is he said, okay, what that focal point means is, okay, nail to the cross the air you just made.

Okay, I've just booted a ball. Two runs scored. I was playing shortstop. That focal point goes, okay, it's over. Forget it. But he also said this, nail to the cross the home run you just hit. It's in the past too. So you're not living off that. You're not so and so it for a parent it's like, okay, I blew that moment. Obviously if you can, go to your son, go to your daughter, say I'm sorry. I didn't mean to throw that hammer. I was out of control. You saw that. Maybe he doesn't understand it at three and maybe he's 13 and you go, hey, remember that?

I want to bring that up again cuz I want to make sure whatever it is say you're sorry. Probably most kids are pretty quick to forgive. They may not. It may be a really deep wound, but make that the first thing. Then the second thing is have some kind of visual. Maybe it's a cross hanging on your wall. I don't care. Maybe it's uh uh a mark on your hand. I don't know what it is, but something to go, okay, I'm going to nail that to the cross. It's dead and buried. Jesus died for that.

I'm not going to live in it anymore. Then to find me. Yes, it's a regret. I wish I could have done that one better, but I didn't. And God's going to use it in some some way.

Ron Deal: I think this is so amazing because what we're saying is return to righteousness. I blew it. I said something. I I was a bad influence. Return to righteousness and now I'm back to being a good influence. And I think there's something liberating about that. I used to talk about have the audacity to embrace grace. Act like God's grace actually adds up to something in your world in your life. And the regrets that you have are sort of in the past because you're you're living out of that new identity again. And yes, sometimes we repent, ask for forgiveness, all that stuff's got to happen with repair.

But living out of the new helps us to feel settled in that peaceful self rather than ruminating on something we blew and messed up and can't change ever.

Ann Wilson: God's grace. Whew, we all need it.

Dave Wilson: Parents, nail it. Nail it to the cross.

Ron Deal: Nail it.

Ann Wilson: And go back to righteousness.

Dave Wilson: So Ron, tell our listeners and viewers where they can find you.

Ron Deal: familylifetoday.com is where the Blended Family Ministry lives. We'd love for people to come. We've got all kinds of resources for them, video, audio, live events, you name it, we've got it.

Dave Wilson: And Mindful Marriage is there?

Ron Deal: Yes, the Mindful Marriage is available in the Family Life store.

Ann Wilson: And you can get our book No Perfect Parents. We talk about all of this in that book.

Dave Wilson: Oh, yeah. In fact the last chapter is called our top five parenting regrets.

Ron Deal: And I didn't even mention what I talked about today. That wasn't even in there. So there's others. But again, all that's at familylifetoday.com. Just click on the link in the show notes and hopefully that'll help you.

Ann Wilson: Family Life Today is a donor supported production of Family Life, a crew ministry. 50 years of helping you pursue the relationships that matter most.