FamilyLife Today®

Abbey Wedgeworth: The problem we have with the word of God not being able to engage in not having time for prayer and Bible study, I think it is less an issue of how much time we have and more an issue of what we believe about it. Michael Kruger says the word of God doesn't just say things, it does things.

And if you're a mom who's desperate to be different, that is it. We are literally changed by the word of God. If you want to be different, you will find a way to get in the word.

Ann Wilson: Welcome to FamilyLife Today®, where we want to help you pursue the relationships that matter most. I'm Ann Wilson.

Dave Wilson: And I'm Dave Wilson, and you can find us at FamilyLifeToday.com.

Ann Wilson: This is FamilyLife Today. We have Abbey Wedgeworth back with us today for our third and final day. You are liking this conversation way too much.

Dave Wilson: I love her because she's incredibly honest, frank, and real, but she always points us back to the hope of the gospel and what Jesus has done for us.

Ann Wilson: Yeah, let's go.

Dave Wilson: How do you stop the sins of the father, Exodus 20, from going into the third and fourth generation? Because it's going to happen unless we stop it. I never understood that growing up. Even as a young dad when I read that verse, it's not like this might happen—it's going to happen.

Good and bad, but especially for me, bad. I don't want my bad to go in, and I came from a lot of bad, so I'm bringing that in. I get a chance to say, "Okay, I have to stop this." But as a mom or as a dad, when we identify negative things we got from our family of origin, we are going to send them right through unless we do something. How do you stop it?

Abbey Wedgeworth: First of all, I think it's claiming that redemption is possible. I've learned so much science behind this that is super interesting, but we have to believe that redemption is possible. Patterns are only patterns until they're broken.

You bring it to light and you talk about it. Depending on the subject matter, it is really helpful to find someone who is licensed in this. This is not prescriptive because it doesn't work for everyone, but I did a particular type of trauma therapy.

There was a sin pattern I had been struggling with for seven years. I did two sessions of this trauma therapy, and it just wasn't an issue anymore. I had prayed for deliverance from it forever, and that was God's means of deliverance.

Ann Wilson: I've gone through some of that too. It is incredible how quickly you can discover some things and it changes. God is using that therapy to help heal those wounds.

Abbey Wedgeworth: The other thing that can heal wounds is experiencing those wounds and gaps in the context of community. It happened at the hands of others, and it is healed at the hands of others.

There is a story I tell in the book about being in a small group setting where we all took a week to share our stories. I got to a portion of my story that is the source of some of my trauma, and I got a high heart rate notification on my watch. By telling the story in front of a group of people, I thought I was going to leave this room with fewer friends than I walked in with.

I can remember a good friend of ours who was an educator, a real strong guy. I just remember looking over, and Dylan's veins in his head were bulging and his fists were clenched. Some of the people in the room were teary.

I finished telling my story, and he looked up and he said, "I am so angry about what happened to you." It had happened in a school setting, and so as an educator in particular, he was just so mad.

Experiencing the way Dylan saw that story changed the way I told it. The next time we were in a small group setting and I told that story, I did not get a high heart rate notification. My nervous system was unaffected as I told it. It is because I had experienced having a compassionate witness to my story.

It is so important that we process with other people. There were ways that particular event was coming out sideways with my kids.

Ann Wilson: Can you share what happened?

Abbey Wedgeworth: Sure. I was really bullied in fifth grade, and this was my first experience with suicidal ideation. It was truly horrible. My mom kindly got a job at a different school in the district so that I could transfer because it was so hard.

I saw some of the behaviors that I was bullied for in one of my sons, and I was extremely impatient with those behaviors in him. It was because I thought in some way I was protecting him from experiencing what I had experienced by putting these behaviors to death.

I treated it like an emergency when I saw them. I was so hard on him and so ungracious. The tragedy was I was his bully. I was being the very thing I wanted to protect him from in the name of protecting him.

Processing this story and changing the way I saw it, when I learned to have compassion for fifth-grade Abbey, who wasn't responsible for what happened to her, I could parent with a softer eye towards my son as he approached that age. It sounds woo-woo, but it's not. We need to have compassion for ourselves and have compassion for our kids.

Ann Wilson: Because Jesus does. It is the gospel where you're now seeing it through the eyes of a Father who loves you and knows you. But it took a friend whose veins were bulging to realize that was wrong. What happened to me was wrong.

There is something that is very enlightening and healing when another person says that to you. I could stop protecting that little girl or berating her to get it together when I learned to have compassion for her.

We've said this before as we've interviewed people, but Dave and I have done those timelines with groups of people. It brings such intimacy to a group because you're sharing the highs and the lows. When you're listening to a friend, we're trying to speak life and the gospel into areas that have been such wounds. We encourage people, as you listen, try to listen with eyes and ears that see and hear the way God would.

Abbey Wedgeworth: We tend to withhold that from ourselves because we think if we are kind to ourselves, we won't change. We rely so much on shame as a motivator.

Ann Wilson: It's so true. But what leads us to repentance? The kindness of God. It is so important that we can be kind to ourselves without excusing sin. What did that look like when you realized you were doing that to your son? You were the bully.

Abbey Wedgeworth: I realized in hindsight as I healed. I didn't connect those dots until I was doing some of that trauma work. I noticed a marked difference in my ability to bear with him and to be patient.

I actually developed a refrain that I committed to when I saw those behaviors to just say, "I love you." That is what we really need when we're acting out in immaturity—to just be loved.

I started saying "I love you" all the time instead of, "Will you stop? This is so annoying!" That was my liturgy for combatting that and for doing it differently.

Ann Wilson: That is such a good way to see it. As a parent, we should have liturgies for each child sometimes.

Abbey Wedgeworth: I call them training refrains. I am just like, "Okay, I'm going to make a choice of how I'm going to respond to this so I don't respond out of my flesh."

Ann Wilson: Give us some examples. Do you have any?

Abbey Wedgeworth: Yes. "Try again" is a liturgy that I use that keeps me from spouting off shame-speech. If they say something or do something like, "Mom, go get me that drink!" I'll say, "Ooh, let's try again." Which is not, "You're so disrespectful." 90% of the time they just do it right the next time.

"Try again" is a protective one for me. My whole kids' book series is based on this hitting and biting stuff. If they use a body part in a way that is not God-honoring, I'll just say, "Who made your mouth?" or "Who made your hand?"

They will say, "God," and I'll say, "You're made on purpose for purpose. Let's walk how He asks us to." It protected me from parenting out of manipulative pieces or yelling at them.

It can be really helpful to devote some time to saying, "How do I want to respond to this? How would God want me to respond to this?"

Ann Wilson: That's good, and it's very intentional. If we're not intentional, some old habits and old wounds will come to the surface.

Abbey Wedgeworth: Eventually, they become new habits where even when you're tired, that is your go-to. My friend Tish is so wise, and she says, "Anger is the tool we reach for when we don't feel like we have the tool we need in parenting."

In the moments that are calm, you can arm yourself with some tools. Lay some ground rules with your kids even, like, "Hey, when this happens, here's what we're going to do."

Dave Wilson: You talk about it in the last section of your book. We're in progress. That is a good reminder because we want to be all there.

It is good to know they're in progress and so are we. We can get better; we will get better. Let God mold you, shape you, and transform you. It's not going to happen today, but I'm going to be better today than I was yesterday. If that keeps happening, where will I be in 10 years? Where will they be in 10 years?

Abbey Wedgeworth: I love that reminder. It is so important to pay attention to and look for the progress. Look out for where God is making good on His promise that He is making us more like Jesus.

The art of celebration is so important. There was a day where I said to my kids—this is one of my refrains—"I'm going to step away and talk to Jesus before I talk to you in a way that I'll have to apologize for."

I went outside on our porch and my skin felt too tight; I was riddled with anger. I was berating myself for not being more self-controlled at this stage in the game. Then I thought, "Wait a minute. I stepped away. That is self-control."

We get what we pay attention to. We find more of what we're looking for. In that moment, a moment where I was berating myself became, "Oh my goodness, Jesus, thank You for Your enabling grace. You're changing me! You gave me self-control!"

It turned into this moment of joy where I had thought that I had failed but I really had succeeded in walking away and not yelling at my kids. That fuels change to be like, "I am changing." If you're a gym person and you start seeing gains, you want to keep lifting. We have to pay attention to those.

Ann Wilson: That act right there just gave your kids something to do when they're in a fight with their spouse in the future. "You know what? I'm not going to respond right now. I want to talk to Jesus."

Dave Wilson: We have Bruce in the sound booth in there. He's got little girls. What thoughts did you have? What questions?

Bruce: What's going through my mind is something that happened last night. I really appreciate this talk of compassion for yourself. My girls are ten, seven, four, and one.

Dave Wilson: You're headed towards so much estrogen.

Bruce: I grew up with sisters. It's just my life. But I've been really needing to hear this because I could wallow in conviction. Last night Maria came to me, and I was in my happy place.

I was doing a crossword puzzle on the couch, kids were asleep, listening to some jazz. I finally had a moment to myself. But she came to me and she said, "What if I can't do it all?"

She said, "What if I can't be a stay-at-home mom and do all the doctor's appointments and do all of this?" And she's homeschooling. She does all that.

I was not in a place. I just said, "I'd probably just go to bed and think about it tomorrow." That's all I said to her.

She came to me vulnerably. She is a stressed-out mom, and what does her godly husband tell her? "Go to bed and think about it tomorrow." I just didn't want to.

She was so gracious. She went to bed. She didn't get mad at me. I went in the bedroom and she was there reading the Bible. She has been kind to me.

Abbey Wedgeworth: I think sometimes it's a ministry in and of itself, Bruce, for someone else to not be panicking.

Bruce: Yeah, but it wasn't me not panicking. It was me saying, "I can't handle your problems right now." I really appreciate the idea of the sweet conviction of the Holy Spirit, but also Christ is compassionate, so it's okay for me to be compassionate. Like you said, not an excuse to sin, but explain it. It is good to be married to a godly woman who will have grace for my deficiencies.

Ann Wilson: What do you wish you would have done, Bruce?

Bruce: I wish I would have put the crossword puzzle down and listened and said, "Tell me about it."

Dave Wilson: When you said that, I thought I would have done the exact same thing you did. Now I think I'm old enough to know I would say—if I was in a sane place—"Sit down. Just sit right here. Tell me about it. Let me hear."

Let her just be able to talk it out. "Tell me more." Three great words. "Say more about that."

Ann Wilson: I would have liked Dave to say, "Come here. Tell me everything." Oh, that would have been music to my ears.

Dave Wilson: She is saying that like it never even one time happened.

Abbey Wedgeworth: We had a night like that a couple nights ago. I have a lot on my plate in this season. I am a mom of these boys, I'm writing, homeschooling, and I'm an author.

I looked at David with tears in my eyes, and he said, "Do you need a hug?" I was like, "I need a hug." I really needed it.

That touch reset my nervous system. There is so much power. We don't have to have the right things to say all the time, but to just have a compassionate witness is so powerful.

Dave Wilson: You mean you don't give your wife, like I did one day, a 5x7 card with ten ways she could get her life better? I literally did that.

Abbey Wedgeworth: That seems like a lot more work than Bruce and Dave are trying to do. They have crossword puzzles.

Dave Wilson: I thought of that, though. All you need to know is what she did. She ripped it up and threw it in my face.

Ann Wilson: I said, "This is from Satan!"

Abbey Wedgeworth: If there is somebody listening who is like Bruce's wife, this is kind of what I was thinking through the other night. In those moments where we're like, "I can't do it all, it's all too much," we want to make some giant readjustment and change everything. Really, I think sometimes it is just an invitation to recalibrate.

Ann Wilson: I think that's what she did by getting in the word.

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Ann Wilson: One of the things I've always loved about you, Abbey, is your love for prayer. You talk about this in the book and the word. As moms are listening to this with little kids and they're like, "I don't even know how in the world I can do that," how would you encourage them?

Abbey Wedgeworth: Moms, you are the most creative people on the planet. All you do all day is problem-solve. You are a professional problem-solver. You see the need and you figure out how you're going to make it happen. You're juggling a thousand things.

Necessity is the mother of invention. When we know that something is a need, we will get creative. I think the problem we have with the word of God not being able to engage in prayer and Bible study is less an issue of how much time we have and more an issue of what we believe about it.

Michael Kruger says the word of God doesn't just say things, it does things. If you're a mom who's desperate to be different, that is it. We are literally changed by the word of God. If you want to be different, you will find a way to get in the word. Invention is important because it doesn't have to look any certain way.

Ann Wilson: You shouldn't be comparing yourselves to how other women do it.

Abbey Wedgeworth: It is going to look different. Who are you and how has God wired you to make this happen? When my kids were little, I used what I call the 3 to 5 method: three to five verses, three to five minutes.

Take what you have. If you don't think you have time to read the Bible, look at your screen time report. If you'll just sub out one time that you would have opened Instagram and listen to the Dwell app or read three to five verses, that's getting in the word.

With prayer, it's helpful to me too. I have the PARKA prayer method, which is taking each line of the Lord's Prayer and inserting your own stuff in there. I have it written out because before you know it, you're thinking about your grocery list.

You go through each thing. We're going to start with praise. We're going hallow God's name. Then you keep going. "Lead us not into temptation." Lord, how might I be tempted today? I know that this child is going to scream when we get ready to do his math homework. Prepare me, Lord. I know what my temptation is in that moment, and then you're armed. That is how we are changed.

Ann Wilson: I think we don't always believe that God answers prayer. I think that's why we don't do it, because we don't think it's going to work or because we don't see direct prayers answered the way we want.

But He does answer. One of the best things that happened to me as a mom with three little boys was I learned to pray without ceasing. I learned that it's a constant dialogue with God all day long because I'm so needy and broken.

He became my best friend. "Did You see this, Jesus? Lord, I need Your help. Father, I can't do it." When I would get in the car, the boys knew the first thing that's going to happen is Mom's going to pray. They don't pay attention to me. I'm just praying out loud about everything.

I still have that. My kids are gone, but I still talk to God all day long. I didn't have these long half-hour chunks to be with God. I was just with Him all the time, and He's with me all the time.

Abbey Wedgeworth: One of my sons the other day was like, "Mom, sometimes when you pray out loud to Jesus, you sound so angry." I was like, "You know what? I'm so glad you noticed that because guess what? God receives me any kind of way!"

I am talking to Jesus like that, and I'm not talking to you like that. One of the most powerful things prayer can do for us as moms is to remove the belief that we're alone. We're never alone.

We're never out of options. Prayer is that battle cry of, "You're with me. You said You would help me. Help." My friend Jenny always says, "Abbey, you don't have some Dollar Tree Holy Spirit."

That is the power that raised Jesus from the dead. He is with you when there is splash in the water of the bath. If your kids see you talking with God in a hard, angry, or frustrated way—welcome to relationship. Our Father receives us just as we are.

Dave Wilson: It's been fun watching you two moms talk. So many moms are going to relate to this program, and dads too. This has been really helpful. Abbey, this is a really good and needed book. You can get the book while we're talking about it. Go to FamilyLifeToday.com, click on the link in the show notes and get *Help! I'm Ruining My Kids*.

Ann Wilson: Do you have group discussion guide questions in the back?

Abbey Wedgeworth: Yeah, it was really important to me to put those in there because community is such an important piece when we think about how to change. Go through this with other moms. I worked real hard on those.

I was talking with a friend the other day who was so grieved because I feel a little cringe marketing the book. But I thought, "You know what? I love this reader too much to let myself get in the way of her hearing this good news."

This is really what I need to hear all the time: nothing is beyond redemption. Not you, not your kids, not your kids' experience of your sin and shortcomings. God is at work, even if you don't feel like there is a lot of hope.

I would have picked up this book as a mom and gone through it with my friends. Grab some other women of all mothering ages and bring them into your home and say, "You guys, I've got the best book." It's never too late to repair.

Dave Wilson: Come back next time when you get another book.

Abbey Wedgeworth: At this point, my career is just about trying to see you guys.

Dave Wilson: FamilyLife Today is a donor-supported production of FamilyLife, a Cru ministry, celebrating 50 years of helping you pursue the relationships that matter most.