FamilyLife Today®

Dave Wilson: I cannot tell you the number of times, standing on the sideline with the Detroit Lions in an NFL game over 33 seasons, that we get in the fourth quarter. It's a close game and I would have this thought: "Our team does not believe when the game's on the line we have what it takes to win." That's the difference between winners and losers. If you don't believe it, your self-prophecy comes true and we don't.

Again, I'm not saying that's the only reason we lost so many games, but I remember '91 when we went almost one game from the Super Bowl. You could feel the opposite. It was like, "We believe!" I really believe teams that win, they believe it before they actually do it. I think it applies to marriage.

Ann Wilson: Welcome to FamilyLife Today, where we want to help you pursue the relationships that matter most. I'm Ann Wilson.

Dave Wilson: And I'm Dave Wilson. You can find us at FamilyLifeToday.com. This is FamilyLife Today.

Today we're talking about your mind and how that impacts your marriage. We've got the mind expert, Ted Lowe.

Ted Lowe: Don't call me that.

Dave Wilson: We could almost see his mind because there's nothing to block us. You're just like me. Our minds are right there because we don't have any hair. Anyway, your book *Us in Mind: How Changing Your Thoughts Can Change Your Marriage*, we've developed this thought, but that's what you discovered, right? How we think impacts everything, especially our marriage.

Ted Lowe: Absolutely. We've said it a couple of times already, but our thoughts are not our actions or our attitude, but they lead to both. That includes how we think about ourselves. In fact, this chapter almost did not make the book. It begins with a question of: "What do you think about yourself?" Because it's been such a struggle in my own life.

Then I thought, "How in the world does this impact marriage?" I knew how it was, but I thought I may be the only one that's got this level of struggle with how I think about myself. In fact, I call him "Fred" in my head.

Ann Wilson: How did you come up with "Fred in my head," besides that it rhymes?

Ted Lowe: I have no idea. I wish there was an origin story other than randomness. I don't know. Nancy used to say to me, "How you doing?" I would say, "It's tough to be in here." So I just gave him a name. I'd say, "Fred in my head's being a jerk today."

I started realizing and looking at all the research that how you think about yourself impacts who you are. It impacts everything, including your marriage. For so long I'd have these thoughts, or Fred would be giving me these thoughts, and I just thought they were true. They would guide my life.

Despite it all, I was able to get married, have kids, write books, and speak, all the while his voice being louder at some times than others. People say, "Is Fred the devil?" He's at least a highly compensated employee. I don't know about that, but I do know that his voice is hateful and hurtful to me and had been even since I was a little kid.

Dave Wilson: What'd Fred say to you?

Ted Lowe: "If people only really knew." It was really strange. We started doing ministry. I went from frat house to church house in weeks. It was a radical transformation of the Lord, but I started as a youth pastor. Next thing I know, I'm working in a large church in California and we're on stage in front of thousands of people.

We're an hour south of Los Angeles and my wife and I from Alabama are doing all the drama at Saddleback Church with Rick Warren. Two redneck hicks. We were part of this ministry for a while with FamilyLife, and I remember being at MCI Arena. There were 14,000 people. I remember looking up and seeing our heads on all those TVs and I'm thinking to myself, "Nobody cares. That wasn't good. Who do you think you are?" There's no category that he doesn't come after me about at some time and fashion.

To get some healing from that, to learn that there's been some exercises and things around for 30 plus years that have radical results for people and has changed my life, it almost makes me a little sad and a little frustrated that nobody's telling our kids this and no one's telling us this. Because it impacts everything, including our marriage.

Ann Wilson: So what did you do with Fred in the head?

Ted Lowe: There's an exercise that's been around for 30 or 40 years. Daniel Amen popularized it called "ANTS." It's Automatic Negative Thoughts. Pretty much what I did in this book was I gathered up people way smarter than me and then talked about it in a way that people can understand.

The exercise begins with you naming your Fred. If you want to use Fred, I'm sure he's open for franchising. He is a high-capacity leader. By just naming him, it separates him from you. It's a little bit fun too. It's like, "Wait a minute. When I hear that it's coming from another voice and not my own and certainly not God, okay, now I'm going, wait a minute, this is another person." So that helped tremendously.

Then you write down those thoughts: "You're never going to be able to pull this off. You're not as good a dad as you think you are. Your wife is frustrated with you." Whatever those things are, you write those things down. Then there's categories. Fred has all kinds of side hustles. He's a fortune teller: "This is going to go really, really bad for you. You guys started this podcast. It's looking really fancy in here. I know they got a new light for bald-headed people, but who knows, it's just one bad tweet away from it all crashing down and this guy talking right now could be the guy."

He is a fortune teller. He's a mind reader. You'll leave a conversation with somebody and you'll go, "I don't think they liked me. I could tell they didn't." They're probably just having a tough day with tacos, but you make it all about you. There's the labeling: "You are so fat. Look what you have done to yourself." Shame, he's a shamer. He's a guilt-er.

Then he's also a convincer. "Go and do that thing that's going to give you a few moments of relief. It's fine. It's fine. Go hide somewhere in your addiction or your overeating or your pleasure." Then immediately he becomes the, "You're never going to be forgiven for that."

I started getting so much relief from this because mine used to be after speaking. I'd be walking to the car and it would be, "I can't believe you said XYZ." Once someone gives you a microphone for multiple hours, especially when you're wired like me and you want to be fun, you're going to say some things. I'm going, "I'm not sure that was a good idea."

I usually have Nancy on the front row giving me the, "I know where you're headed, don't." But I would go to the car and he would immediately start in. "I can't believe you did that. You didn't prep enough. I don't think people resonated with that. The guy on the third row, I could just tell he did not want to be there. Did you see the guy blinking his eyes? I think he really wanted to go to sleep. People gave you their time and you should have done more."

Then all the way home on the airplane and then for a couple of days after and then I would try to shake it off.

Ann Wilson: This is totally my Fred too in terms of speaking over the years. Constant.

Ted Lowe: Yes. You go, "Okay. Don't you think that breaks the heart of God?" Because here's the problem: Fred's voice becomes louder than the voice of God. That should terrify us from a faith perspective to go, he went through so much to show us how loved we are, how cherished we are, how worthy we are.

Yet we listen to this voice that seems to be destined to just pull our worth. Does that make me a better speaker or a worse speaker? What's been so profound is doing that after you categorize them, then you say, "What would my Abba Father say to me?"

He said, "The spirit I gave you is not one of fear so you live in slave again." I looked up that word "spirit" and it's actually lowercase and it means "dominant frame of mind." The dominant frame of mind I've given you is not one that lives in fear as a slave again. The spirit I gave you, you received and brought about your adoption into sonship and by him we cry Abba.

In other words, it's not one of fear, it's one of family. It's one of his family. You think about Abba Father, the perfect Father. Not just Abba. That means Daddy. A lot of people, they hear that and they go, "That's not a good image for me. It's not reverent enough." Well, you blend those two words. The perfect Heavenly Father is the one that we praise and the one that we see the ocean and throw our heads back and go, "Wow, I have no place for this." But it's also the intimacy combined.

So I just think about my Abba who went through so much to have a relationship with me. Then me walking to the car and instead of him saying, "Hey, bud. You gave your best. I think that may matter to people."

When I knew this had made a difference in my life, we had spoken at this retreat. Fred used to, right before I'd speak, he would just be sitting there with me going, "You didn't prep enough. You haven't done enough." But there's a picture and somebody I didn't know they were taking it. I'm smiling before I'm going up to speak during praise and worship. It meant so much to me because I thought, "That's a change in my life."

Now here, let me say this. I felt so much relief from this that I thought it was done. I know it sounds ridiculous. I thought it was done. So then the book released and the video series released. Fred goes, "Look at this. You're so anxious and this doesn't even work for you and you've just shouted to the world that it does. You know what you've done? You've publicized false hope."

I sat in there for over a month. I've never been more depressed in my life as I was during that, going, "Look what you have done. You've told them it was easy, you told them they could hear from Abba, and they cannot." I was devastated and I thought, "Maybe I should do the Fred exercise again."

I listed 47 things. 47 things. I've learned it's a process. I had to sit down with the Lord this morning and I listed 22 things. Because right before you're going to do something like this is when he just comes after me. Nancy said, "How you doing?" I go, "I got to do some Fred work." I know when I do, it's going to matter because that's when I can hear Abba with me again and it's tender.

I want that for people so badly. So many people come up afterwards and tell me, "Oh, I've got a Fred." I had a guy that was about 75 years old. He's a millionaire for sure, could have been a billionaire. He goes, "My Fred's been mean to me my whole life." That breaks my heart.

Dave Wilson: Now how do you process that in regards to your marriage and maybe even as a dad or a mom, the Fred in the head?

Ted Lowe: Let's say somebody's leaving work and they've got to go by and they've got to pick up the kids before they get home and meet their spouse. On the way to pick up the kids, Fred's going, "That meeting didn't go so well for you, did it? I could tell so-and-so is frustrated with you. I've heard there's layoffs. If I'm them, it's you."

Swirling around, you pick up the kids. You're exhausted. You see them. You're thinking you're going to not be able to provide for those kids and you get home and you see your spouse. You walk in with all those insecure thoughts. How do you think they're going to receive you at that moment? Are you happy to see them? Are you a good listener? Are you affectionate? No, because you've been hanging out with a jerk all afternoon.

If we had a friend like that, first of all, we'd get a new friend, but if there was somebody in our life that just constantly did that. The only person that knows what's going to happen in the future is God. So anybody that's telling you otherwise is lying to you.

So what Nancy's got to experience is somebody that doesn't need her to be God. That doesn't need her to counteract everything Fred says, because she can't do that. That's too much pressure for her to counteract. Even when she tried, she can't. So what she's gotten to experience is somebody that feels like they're loved and secure, therefore more present with her. I'm more available for her. She's not worried about me as much and I'm settled.

When you listen to podcasts, you can listen at different speeds. Here's what I know. There's a personality like me that they are listening at 2x. Until I got on here and then they had to back it up to .75. But I think for me, I was always living life at 1.25, always. I think it's slowed me down, which has made me more present. This exercise seems so silly that people don't believe it works and they don't even do it.

But I think what I found through the whole book, even though there's neuroscience in it, even though there's a lot of research in it, is what it all boiled down to was simplicity. That this way is really the simplest, cleanest, easiest, purest thoughts of your head. Satan's the author of confusion and just the Abba through this is just like, I can breathe.

Ann Wilson: I want to go through that whole process, but I'm just going to say, speaking to women over the years, this is a majority of us that are living in these ugly places. We've been listening to Fred for so long that it's just so normal that we don't even realize that he's been speaking to us for years.

It reminds me of John 10:10 where Jesus says the thief comes only to steal, kill, and destroy. I look at that and I think he starts with us and our minds and in our heads. I love that Jesus said, "But I have come to give you life and live it to the full."

What I've done actually is I've gotten this dog cage because this is what it felt like for me. I felt like it was in bondage. I'm in bondage to Fred in my head. So I just did this this week. I got inside of this dog cage and I said, "I am so tired of being in this cage of listening to the lies of Satan and the past pain of like, 'you can't do it, you'll never do it and you've tried it before and it never works.'"

I think so many women are saying, "Yes." Jesus said, "I came to set the captive free." So he opens the door. He says, "Daughter, come out. Son, lift up your head." But I was thinking when you said, Dave, how does it affect your family? What happens is I get so inside my head that my head goes down and I can't see the people around me because I'm so in bondage to Fred. I love the Fred part. It's just easy to talk about that.

For me, that's been a process too and I feel like I'm on this mission. We need to set people free because they don't even know they're in bondage. They've just been living it for so long. So as I was reading your stuff, I'm like, "Yes, amen, do it!" Dave's lived with it for years. I'd get done speaking, I'd go into hiding like, "That was awful." Dave would get done and I'd say, "How are you so free? How can you be so free?" He goes, "I just lay it on the altar and like, Lord, I did my best." I'm like, "Well, I could lay it there and then I'm going to pick it up over and over again."

Ted Lowe: That's such a powerful image and I think the image that God's put in my head the most is when I'm praying. I go to this place in my mind that's a beach that we would go to when we lived in California when I just really started to fall in love with Jesus. I just have this image of Him having His hands on my face and His forehead to my forehead.

Just people listening that struggle with Fred, I just want to say you're His. He's got you by the face. He's got His forehead to your forehead. Jesus does, not Fred. Fred's so powerless in the light of who Jesus is. When He puts His hands on your face, if someone's listening right now and they're running or whatever and they've been struggling with Fred, man or woman, He is just saying to you to breathe.

"I've got my hands on your face. I've got my forehead to your forehead. I'm looking you in the eye and you are mine. There's nothing you're going to do that's going to make you any less worthy and there's nothing you can do to make you more worthy. You are loved and worthy. So one day when you're old and you are sitting there not able to accomplish anything, that day does not make you any less worthy than your most productive day. I have you, you're mine, you're safe."

When you hear voices telling you you're ugly, that is not from your Abba. I can guarantee it. I've learned that for some people there's a different kind of jerk. It's everybody else's fault and what Fred will do is he'll rob your peace and you can't hear Abba because he's telling you why everybody else is wrong. That's the other thing I've found. "If they just don't listen to you, if they just would do what you would say, if she would only..."

They look at their spouse and they only see the things and Fred's just sitting there telling you all the negative things. That's a different kind of but you can even bring that to Abba. "Wait, wait, wait, wait." I just think the image of simplicity of our Father, we make life get so complicated, right? He's just going, "I got you, you're fine, you're fine."

I lost my mom when I was 10 years old and I've been a little bit anxious ever since that someone's going to break my heart that hard again. I felt alone and I thought if I'm going to be okay, it's going to be because I make it okay. I never want to hear that kind of news again. I've heard that news again and it almost knocked me out.

Even those who have gone through tremendous pain where you feel like if I don't figure all this out, if I don't do all this, then it's not going to be and it's all going to fall apart, it's just this illusion of a control that we've never had. He's going, "You don't have to control this. You don't have to control this, buddy. I got this. You're fine." Just to feel loved. I just want people to feel loved by him because he loves them so much.

Dave Wilson: I think we make every decision every day of our life based on these two beliefs: theology and identity. Theology is what do I believe about God? Identity is what do I believe about myself?

When you were just talking, Ted, I was like, "Oh, there's theology. I have a God who sees me, who loves me, whose forehead is with me." If I have a God who's distant, who's angry, I'm scared. I'm living in fear. But if I have a God who sees me, gets me, has got me, he's present, he's loving, and my identity is I'm his son, I'm his daughter, I'm made in his image. Yes, I'm a sinner, but I'm saved by grace.

If that's my identity based on my theology that I'm loved by God, I walk in my home not thinking I'm an unloving husband. I'm actually a loving husband. Why? I'm loved and I can love her. I can lead my family. I'm a strong spiritual man. It's like one of my friends, Jamie Winship, we've mentioned him before. He says, "When you walk in a room knowing your God is the King of the universe, you walk in the room with power and authority, not arrogance, but identity like God's going to do something."

God just walked in the room. Not that I'm God, but God lives in me. So here we go. That changes a family. That changes a legacy. That changes a spiritual direction in a home. It puts Fred in the cage and me out of the cage. Freedom, right? I love your thought of that. Take that thought captive. It is of the enemy. Reverse that with correct theology and identity and go be the man, be the woman that God's called you to be. God will move.

Ann Wilson: I love that. I'm amening everything. That's so good. One of the practices that has helped me, and I feel like you're alluding to this too, Ted, is I take my thoughts captive and as you said, I start counting them. You write them down. What am I believing right now? What am I saying? What is Fred saying to me? What's the enemy saying? So I'll write them down.

Then I remember Jamie and Donna did this with me. They said, "Just close your eyes, use your imagination. I want you to take all those things in your hand, the lies that you've been believing that Fred is telling you." I picture Jesus in front of me and what he was saying. So I picture myself giving them to Jesus. He takes them. Then sometimes he'll do something different to them. One time he buried them.

The beautiful thing is I remember them saying, "What's it feel like to be free of that? What would he say to you through scripture?" Because he'll speak the things of scripture to you. So that's been freeing to me to just hand them over, bury them, give them to Jesus. You write them out. What do you do to them after you write them?

Ted Lowe: I always pray by journaling on my computer. I wrote all those this morning. Delete. You get no space in my hard drive on my computer or my little heart. You're gone. You're gone. I'm not keeping you.

Abba, what would you say to all this? Because I had to categorize them in a general sense because usually I'll write a thought and there were so many that I had to go, "Okay, I think I hear you being a fortune teller. I hear you being a labeler. I hear you being a shamer. There's just so many of you. Delete. All right, Abba, what are you saying?"

Sometimes it's even my anxiety. It'll be Fred will be like, "Hey, you need to go do this. Now do this, do this. If you don't get this done, you're not..." What I've watched is I've watched him change tactics with me. I've watched him go from attacking me and labeling and becoming so obvious and when I counter that, "Wait, that's Fred," then he would come up and then I started to realize, oh, he is telling me things about how God feels about me now. That God's mad at me. God's frustrated.

There's a beautiful song by Patrick Mayberry that I played on the way over here. It's called "How You Love Me." One of the greatest lines in it, he goes, "You're not mad and you're not scary and all this guilt and shame that I've carried is why you died for me." He starts, he goes, "Could it really be this simple that you love me like you say you do?" It is that simple. The enemy is constantly confusing that. It is this simple. He loves you. So I delete those thoughts.

Ann Wilson: I think it'd be a great homework assignment to even to ask your spouse, "Are there lies that you believe in your head? Explain the Fred in the head. Are there things that you're believing that I don't even know about?" Talk about it as a couple and maybe even as a family. I'm thinking our teenagers, our kids in school, they're little and they're starting to believe the Fred in their head.

The enemy is after our kids. So just to talk about it openly is something that could be really beneficial to a family and start out as the mom or dad saying, "This is something I've struggled with," to let it be known like, "I've struggled with this too." I take my kids with me on speaking events sometimes and my daughter's name is Teddy. We call hers "Freddy." If there's anybody that's got a Freddy in their head, it's teenage girls. It's been a journey with her, but it's just I've loved being able to talk about it to your point. "Hey baby, that's not who Jesus is. That's not him."

Dave Wilson: What a great day with Ted Lowe. I hope we can get him back again because I think he really dug into some stuff that's going to change our marriage.

Ann Wilson: Me too. If I were you, I would get the book *Us in Mind* because here's what I've done with the book. I've just underlined it all over the place. It helps keep it in your mind and I think it's one of those conversations you can have with other people that will help them.

Dave Wilson: You can get the book at FamilyLifeToday.com. Just click the link in the show notes. We've put together some of our best material in one place. It's free and you can go to FamilyLife.com/MarriageHelp and check it out because we'll probably have something there that will meet your needs.

FamilyLife Today is a donor-supported ministry of FamilyLife, a Cru ministry, helping you pursue the relationships that matter most.