FamilyLife Today®

Speaker 1

Who you are at home is who you really are. They are watching.

Speaker 2

It matters.

Speaker 1

They're gonna catch it. But I was thinking all these skills and all these strategies and all these books I'd read about being a great Christian parent and all that's important, but at the end of the day, it's your life.

So I saw a recent blog from our friend Tim Challis. Remember Tim? We had him on. He's from Toronto. Pastor, author. Really a deep thinker.

And the title of the blog, you ready for this? Is something I want to talk about today. About our home, the Wilson home, the Wilson marriage.

Speaker 2

Okay.

Speaker 1

You are who you are at home. What do you think when you hear that title?

Speaker 2

I think that can be incredibly convicting. In our marriage, 45 years. When do you feel like you have been the worst in our home in comparison to outside the home? What stage of life were we in?

Speaker 1

Oh, easy. When we had little kids, babies, toddlers. Probably all the way up to about 8 years old for me.

Speaker 2

What do you think our church would have thought if they saw us at our home parenting when we are totally under stress?

Speaker 1

They probably would have thought we're not Christians. What do you think?

Speaker 2

I think they would have thought you, too. Like, you struggle too. But, man, this is a convicting thought, isn't it?

Speaker 1

Yeah, but I mean, it obviously isn't just that season of life. And even not even if you're not a parent or single, still, who we are at home in some ways is who we really are. In fact, character is who we are when no one's looking.

Speaker 2

Yes. And.

Speaker 1

And this. This blog was interesting. Cause it was like, nah, no one's looking. Your family's watching. So who you are when your family's around is really who you are.

Speaker 2

And it's the most important place. The family is where we want to be our best. And sometimes we aren't. But we are the truest of ourselves.

Speaker 1

Yeah. Let me read a quote that Tim wrote in this blog. He says true character is not just who you are when you're alone, but also who we are when we are seen by those who know us best, our family, as potential church leaders or as believers.

It's essential to cultivate a character that's strong, genuine, and consistent, both in public and in private. That's the big idea.

Speaker 2

This whole thought, it's so good. I remember. I forget how old our kids were. Maybe elementary school age, when somebody, like, I was on them about something and everybody was arguing.

And then I went to the door because somebody rang the doorbell. I'm like, oh, hey. And our kids were like, how can you be like that when somebody comes to the door? But then you can be so mean to us.

And it was true.

Speaker 1

So what's the answer? Why? I'm going to ask you a question.

Speaker 2

I think that is the question of why do we allow ourselves to. To just kind of fake it with somebody we don't even know? Because we care what they think about us.

But the people we should care about the most are living under our roof, and we don't fake it there, which is good. We shouldn't. But it is a true reflection of our character.

I feel like it's a true reflection of how we're doing with Jesus. Because when I look at the fruit of the spirit—love, joy, peace, and patience—just those alone. If we're walking with Jesus, that should just be a byproduct of walking in the power of the Holy Spirit.

Speaker 1

Yeah, but that's so hard when you got a four year old who has no love, joy, peace, patience. They're screaming and yelling, but they're looking.

Speaker 2

To us to be the example of it.

Speaker 1

So how do we do it when we have that going on?

Speaker 2

Don't ask me this, you answer it.

Speaker 1

Well, let's talk about the time I crawled in bed and you said, I wish the man that led our church lived here. Tell that story.

Speaker 2

I watch you at church. You're amazing. Like, you are amazing. You are, you're passionate, you have all this charisma. You're a leader, you're leaning strong, you pray with conviction.

And I'm just like, look at him up there.

And then at the dinner table, I think it was that night I remember.

Speaker 1

Do we have to be dishonest?

Speaker 2

I remember saying, hon, are you going to pray? And you're like, you just pray. And I was like, that's why I said it. Like, why can't that guy at church live here? What did you think when I said it? Well, you were so mad at me.

Speaker 1

I mean, I honestly. You remember my response. It was really good. Talk about you are who you are when you're at home.

I revealed my pride and selfishness by jumping out of bed and standing over the bed and yelling something to the effect that I know many of the husbands in our church and the best one in our whole church is standing right in front of you.

You've got a really good husband compared.

Speaker 2

I think you said, I'm better than anybody any other man at our church.

Speaker 1

I hope I didn't say that, but I probably did. I mean, I really thought, you know, I'm as good a husband in the home as I am a pastor leader in the church.

The only reason I reveal again this terrible story in our life is the next morning when I sort of sat with Jesus and prayed about that conversation. You highlighted something that was really true. I was bringing my energy and the best of me, and like you said, passion and spiritual direction and leadership and power in some ways to thousands of people at our church that I don't even know their names. I mean, they're wonderful people, but there are so many. There were a lot. I don't literally know their names. They know mine because I'm up on the platform, but I don't know their names.

So, I'm giving the best of me to people that I don't really know and giving the worst of me to the most important people in my life. That's what I felt like Jesus alerted me to in my little bedroom office in our little house. I felt like I needed to make a commitment back to you and the three boys at that time, now grown men, and hopefully they're doing a better job as husbands and dads than I did.

Speaker 2

Well, did you hear the key part of that? The key part was when I spent time with Jesus the next morning. What would have happened if you hadn't spent that time with him?

Speaker 1

You know, which there are many times I didn't because I got defensive and mad and didn't want to hear the truth. But, you know, we've said many times on family life today, your. Your spouse is a mirror to who you are.

Speaker 2

Yeah.

Speaker 1

Your kids are a mirror. Your home is a mirror to who you are in your walk with God. So I felt like you were putting a mirror up just by a flipping comment. But God uses it as a mirror to say, okay, are you going to pour the best of you into the most important people of your life?

That reminded me, bring the energy into your home that you bring to the public. And, you know, just a few months ago, we interviewed Matt Chandler, Matt and Lauren Chandler, pastor down in Texas. And remember what he said?

Speaker 2

Yeah.

Speaker 1

He goes, I consider when I walk in my house, my second shift, I.

Speaker 2

Thought that was so good.

Speaker 1

I mean, I've never forgotten that phrase. It's like I put my hands on my desk at the end of my day and I say, okay, Jesus, you got it from here. Not like he didn't have it all day, but You've got it. I'm not going to be here. You got it.

Speaker 2

Like, I can't do anything else here. So you keep working.

Speaker 1

I'm going to leave work.

Speaker 2

Yeah.

Speaker 1

And when I walk in that door, I'm going to give my family the best of me. That is a. It's my second shift. And I would say the second shift more important than the first shift.

Speaker 2

Oh, for sure.

Speaker 1

Because you're pouring into the most important disciples you're going to make as a husband, as a wife, as a mom, and a dad. They're your disciples. Not that you're not pouring into other disciples and people that God has called us to make disciples everywhere we go. But, man, the most important are right there.

So I'm hoping somebody heard that story right now and just said, you know what? That's me. I've been given the best of me outside the home, which is good. You need to do that. We're called to be good workmen and good workwomen.

But I hope you remind yourself the most important part of who you are is who you are at home and bring the best you have to your family.

Speaker 2

Well, here's another quote by Tim in this article. He says, one of the elements of my life that concerns me most is my ability to be on my worst behavior around the people who are the most important to me. You would think I'd always be at my very best before the people I love the most.

Yet somehow I can put on airs before strangers and then let down my guard before my family. Somehow I can live to impress people I barely know. It's exactly what you said while being apathetic toward people I know the best and whose lives are deeply intertwined with mine.

There is something about the home life that can breed arrogance and apathy, entitlement and hostility. Well. And here's. Here's my failing story as I look at this and read.

Speaker 1

Is that last word hostility?

Speaker 2

What do you mean? Is it hostility?

Speaker 1

I thought maybe you're going to talk about the wall.

Speaker 2

I am going to talk about it right now.

Speaker 1

There's a little hostility there.

Speaker 2

I know. So this is probably. It's probably my worst parenting moment.

Speaker 1

And I don't know, we had a lot of them.

Speaker 2

I think the boys range from five to 10 somewhere.

Speaker 1

There it is. We're in that season and you were.

Speaker 2

Gone and you were supposed to be home and you were super late.

Speaker 1

That never happened once or twice.

Speaker 2

See how I'm already blaming you for it?

Speaker 1

I should have been there.

Speaker 2

But you were supposed to be Home at a certain time. We had dinner without you. And then I was doing homework with our oldest, and the other kids were in the other room, like, wrestling, fighting, crying. Like, it's just escalating. It keeps going up.

Speaker 1

That is our grandkids now.

Speaker 2

And so loud as they're, like, going crazy in the other room. I'm trying to do spelling words with our oldest, and he's incredibly distracted. He's not paying attention. He knocks something over. The kids in the family room knock something over. And now somebody's crying and screaming.

And I'm so frightened, frustrated, and I'm mad at you. All of this is like, this place. I'm so frustrated that I've got. And I just yell like, oh, my goodness. And I kick the wall with my foot, and my foot goes through the drywall. That's how much passion and anger I had.

And my foot is now stuck in the drywall with this big hole in the wall. The kids instantly rush to the wall.

Speaker 1

Man, I wish we had video of this.

Speaker 2

And they're like, oh, Mom. And they're like, you get a hole in the wall, and it had wallpaper on it. And our youngest is like, mom, we had no idea you were this strong. And they're like, this is unbelievable. I mean, they are pumped out of their minds about it.

I feel instant shame, remorse, guilt. I'm the worst mom. This is all they're going to remember as they get older. And I know in a few minutes, the pastor, my husband, will walk through the door, and this is. This is horrible. This is so like Adam and Eve hiding in the garden.

I run upstairs, like, skipping steps at a time so that I can get upstairs. I grab this box in the closet, and I run downstairs, and it's a wallpaper box. And so I pull out the wallpaper and I cover it. I bet I did that in 10. 10 minutes, probably so that when you walked in the door, you wouldn't see the hole.

And I even thought about telling the boys, hey, let's not tell dad about this, should we? And then I thought, no, I can't do that.

Speaker 1

So the drywall is gone. There's just a hole.

Speaker 2

It's just a hole.

Speaker 1

And you cover it with paper.

Speaker 2

I punch the drywall into the hole, and then I just cover the whole thing. So you walk in the door, all three boys are instantly like, "Dad, you won't believe what happened." And our Cody says, "And Dad, Mom is way stronger than we thought." And, man, it hit me that night. That night from the accuser, I'm going to. I'm apologizing to each of the boys. "You guys, that was so wrong of me." When they're going to bed, I'm really sorry. "CJ, as you were doing homework, you were distracted. This isn't your fault, boys. This wasn't your fault. This was on me. I'm incredibly sorry, and I should have never responded like that. That's not the good thing to do. Can you forgive me?" I prayed for them. I even prayed in front of them. "Jesus, I'm so sorry." So I'm giving them an example.

However, when I put my head down on that pillow, I am in total torment of how could a Christian mom, even a Jesus follower, kick a hole in the wall in front of her three kids? Like, I am the worst at home than I am outside. And I think that began a journey. And this is, this is good that came out of it, if there is any good. I remember waking up the next day praying, "God, I obviously can't do this apart from you, so I surrender my life to you." Romans 12:1. "As a living sacrifice, I pray, God, that I would be guided by your Holy Spirit. I pray that you would give me your words, you would give me your eyes, and you would give me your ears so I can represent you well."

And you guys, I have to do that every single day. Because when I don't and I'm not in the Word, it looks like that at home. Do you think that's true for you?

Speaker 1

Oh, thousand percent. I mean, is that what you would say to the mom? There's a mom listening and maybe a dad as well that has chaos going on in their home, which is parenting.

Speaker 2

Yes.

Speaker 1

At any stage, it doesn't change when you have teenagers. It's just a different way. It happens. And it may not even be apparent.

You know, there's just things going on in your marriage or your blended family. There's a whole nother dynamic or you're going through a breakup of some kind, or your teenager is.

Speaker 2

You feel so much stress and so.

Speaker 1

You get to the end of the day or whatever, and it's just all like that. That's what it feels like at the grandkids' house right there. It's like we get in the car, it's like, oh, empty nest. It's a beautiful thing.

But I mean, that's where some of our people are listening, are living right now. Bruce is in there, and in the audio engineer, and that's his world with four little kids, because he's got little kids.

So what do you say to that?

Speaker 2

Mom, I think first of all, we have to apologize to our kids. Like, I think that's we're. Because we're all gonna sin. We're gonna make mistakes, we're gonna fall short.

Speaker 1

What did the boys say when you apologize?

Speaker 2

They're so quick to apologize. Like, oh, mom, that was kind of cool, actually.

Speaker 1

Like, you mean quick to forgive?

Speaker 2

What did I say?

Speaker 1

Apologize.

Speaker 2

Quick to apologize.

Speaker 1

That's. All right. Don't edit that out.

Speaker 2

No, quick. No, I mean be quick to. Yeah, you're right.

Speaker 1

Now you said be quick to apologize, but the boys will be quick to forgive. Your kids will forgive.

Speaker 2

They are so quick to forgive.

Speaker 1

Unless they're adult or teenage kids.

Speaker 2

It doesn't always go as planned. It might take a while as well. Yeah, but so apologize quickly. Let them see that. Let them see you praying even.

I remember saying to the boys, like, I'm in the word of God because it changes me. And God's word has the power to do that.

When you think about the qualifications of an illustration elder in First Timothy, what do you think of that?

Speaker 1

Why are we talking about that? The point is, what?

Speaker 2

Because I look at some of those qualifications and I'm like, am I qualified in my home?

Speaker 1

Well, it's interesting. The qualifications for an elder, which Tim mentions in his article are not about skill, they're about character.

Speaker 2

That's why I was.

Speaker 1

And often as a parent, you think it's about skill. What skills? What things should I do so my kids turn out to be godly men and women as adults? And yeah, there are skills, there's training, there's discipline. We wrote about it in our book *No Perfect Parents*.

It's really about what you model as character. It's caught; it's not taught. It's caught. And so, you know, even when you look at First Timothy, it says, "Therefore, an overseer, a leader, an elder must be above reproach, the husband of one wife, sober-minded, self-controlled."

Speaker 2

Did you hear that word? Self controlled?

Speaker 1

Yeah. Respectable, hospitable, able to teach. There's a skill. Not a drunkard, not violent, but gentle, not quarrelsome, not a lover of money. Manages. He must manage his own house so well with all dignity. And keeping his children submissive. Boom.

Speaker 2

Yeah.

Speaker 1

I mean, who we are when no one's looking is really important. You know why? Because somebody's always looking. They're called. Your kids and your spouse are always watching.

And so it's like, okay, and I think what you just said, the only way we can literally live out those character qualities is the Power of the Holy Spirit of God in our lives.

Speaker 2

It's interesting because we were discipled by crew in college. I'll never forget the first time I saw the Holy Spirit booklet. I don't know if they would, if that's what they call it anymore, but I remember seeing the circle of the Spirit-filled life and it had all the fruit of the Spirit: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness, and self-control.

Here's those. And then on the other page, it showed another circle with all the opposites of those words.

Speaker 1

The self directed life.

Speaker 2

Yes. Frustration, anger, worry. And I thought, this is me. I'm the self-directed life.

But I want to be the Spirit-filled life. How would you help people to do that on a daily basis? To not live in the self-directed life in our home, but in the spirit-directed life.

Speaker 1

Oh, you're asking me that right now?

Speaker 2

Yeah.

Speaker 1

Right here?

Speaker 2

Yes. Without telling your pastor. You're good at explaining this.

Speaker 1

You know, it's interesting. The thought that came to my mind is what's in the. The Holy Spirit booklet back then.

Speaker 2

Yeah.

Speaker 1

Spiritual breathing.

Speaker 2

Neat. That's what I thought.

Speaker 1

This simple concept of just as you exhale physically, the impure. No, I mean physically, you exhale carbon dioxide, you inhale oxygen to breathe. There's a spiritual exhale, inhale. So exhale sin. Exhale anger. Exhale self-direction and inhale. Put him back in control. Inhale the fruit of the spirit again.

You can't do it. You know, I think it's like hyperventilating. You gotta exhale, inhale, exhale, inhale all day long. Especially as a parent. But it's putting Jesus at the very center and focus of your life.

And again, I know there's a parent going, that is impossible right now. And it feels like it is. And sometimes you do need to walk out of their bedroom into the hallway and breathe.

Speaker 2

I remember when we explained that as we came on staff with crew and we discipled other people. I can remember. I can't. Maybe it was you that you did a talk on that very concept. But you had a backpack on your back. And every time you would fall short or sin or do something without confessing, you'd put that rock in your backpack and think about that as parents and in marriage.

Like, we say something we shouldn't have, we have an outburst of anger. We're so mad or frustrated. And I'm not just saying frustration's a sin. I'm saying our anger leads into sin. And so we put that on our back. Sometimes by the end of the day, if you haven't confessed or you haven't—think about this—been breathing in a spiritual manner, you're going to have an explosion at some point.

I think that's what I did. I think I was having a rough day. I wasn't talking to God about it. I just put all those things I was frustrated with you, and then I just blew up. But if I could have taken the time to say, "Lord, I'm feeling overwhelmed. I don't know what to do. I need your help. I confess I'm mad, I'm angry, and I feel out of my element. I need you right now."

And then you're praying, "Holy Spirit, fill me." That could be multiple times a day. It should be multiple times a day. I think the end of our day might look a little different. And we need to teach this to our kids. Like, did we ever teach that to them?

Speaker 1

We could ask them.

Speaker 2

We should ask them, because that was vital. It's been vital in our walks with God.

Speaker 1

Yeah. So I think that's the spiritual part. I also think there's a practical part, and that was for us. Boys day out.

Speaker 2

Yes.

Speaker 1

You need, as parents, to get away, you know, regularly from your kids. Don't run away. Don't leave them in the house alone, but set up a date night. Seriously, make this a rhythm to get away.

Because when we go on dates, when the kids were little, you weren't even there for 45 minutes. You're sitting across the dinner table, and your mind is so connected to those boys. I was there. I was like, okay, they're gone. They're good. The babysitters got them.

It took you a while. And then boys' day out was... was it once a month?

Speaker 2

Yeah.

Speaker 1

On Fridays, I took the boys for half the day, at least.

Speaker 2

Yeah. Like four hours. But I was home alone in our home. It was amazing. I remember it felt so weird to be in our house. And that's. I wanted to be. I didn't want to be out busy, but I remember reading my Bible, cleaning the house, doing whatever I needed to do to fill me up. And, man, that was a huge gift.

I think that is important. Just to kind of take a breath. And I think I'm just going to say this: I don't care what stage of life you're in. Reading the Bible is a big deal. Having some sort of space for spiritual input is essential. I'm not saying just to listen to podcasts—not that you shouldn't listen to Family Life.

Speaker 1

Today, you Should.

Speaker 2

But to be in the word, to be listening to it, to hear it, to have worship music, those things, that constant input, man, that changes my heart, too.

Speaker 1

Yeah. And do that with your spouse.

Speaker 2

What about just alone? Are men different? Are you any different than I am? Of. Those are the things I need to do. Yeah.

Speaker 1

I think men need a break, too.

Speaker 2

You do?

Speaker 1

Yeah. Let me play basketball and softball every night of the week. No. Maybe once in a while.

I mean, I remember standing over a golf ball when the kids were little and feeling so much guilt every swing. I'm like, I should be home. I should be home. I'm standing over this ball.

Speaker 2

And you know what the worst part was? I'd say, yeah, go ahead. But then when you came home, I was like, ice queen.

Speaker 1

You were like, it took four hours to play a stupid game. And that's why you play nine holes when you got little kids, you don't play 18. And some guys just hate me right now.

Speaker 2

But that refreshed you.

Speaker 1

But it was like, you gotta know what refreshes you. For you, it was, take the kids away for a few hours, give you a day, a month that you could look forward to. Like, that day's coming.

Speaker 2

Yeah.

Speaker 1

And for me, it was, go compete. You know, sometimes go to a movie with buddies, but mostly is go compete. Other people could be totally different, you know, but go on a men's retreat. Get away. Go on a women's retreat.

Speaker 2

Yeah, women's retreat. Or go without with your. Go out with your friends.

Speaker 1

Yeah.

Speaker 2

Sometimes when we're in the midst of parenting, especially younger kids or even teenagers, we feel so overwhelmed that we might feel like we're failing.

But you had an incident, which I thought was pretty cool, when you were at a men's event with one of our sons.

Speaker 1

Yeah. Actually, these guys in our church heard our youngest son, Cody, preach, and he was in college at the time, and said to me, "Your son's on fire. We're doing a men's retreat. Could you come have dinner with us? We'd love to know what you did, because we want our kids when they're in college to be on fire like that."

And then they said, "Is there any chance Cody could come?" Sure enough, Cody could come. So we go over to this thing, just have dinner with these guys, probably about 20 guys, and they're asking questions. Then they look at Cody and say, "Hey, Cody, what did your dad do that helps stoke this fire for Jesus that you have right now?"

And I'm sitting beside him. It was sort of funny because I thought, "Oh, man, he's going to talk about the devotions we did with them or the prayer times or the mission trip we took when he was in high school." I mean, there were strategies that we had as a family because our dream was that our boys, when they're men, would be walking with God.

So I was thinking all these things, and he just sits there. I'm thinking, "Oh, he doesn't know which one to pick. There's so many."

Speaker 2

So funny. I'd be like, there's nothing. You're like, oh, there's so many.

Speaker 1

Well, I was thinking, you know, I wonder what he's going to say of the. We did a lot of different things and prayed that God would do this. And then he goes, well, I can only think of one thing. I'm like, you know, what's. What's that one thing?

And he just said to the guys, he said he lived it. If I ever needed to know what a man of God looked like, he was right down the hall. And it just hit me, this whole conversation we're having today is who you are at home, is who you really are. They are watching. They're gonna catch it again. It's not a guarantee.

But I was thinking, all these skills and all these strategies and all these books I'd read about being a great Christian parent and all that's important. But at the end of the day, it's your life. It's life on life. And the most.

Speaker 2

They're not looking for. They're not looking for perfection.

Speaker 1

No, they're looking.

Speaker 2

Yeah, authentic. An authentic life. Surrendered to Jesus.

Speaker 1

Yeah. So get on your knees and ask God to do something powerful in you. And then that overflows to your kids.

And here's an idea. You can go to familylife.com marriageprayers, and we will give you some sample prayers on how to pray with your spouse. I mean, a lot of times we make it complicated. We're not sure how to do it.

We thought, we'll help you out. We'll give you some simple sample prayers that will sort of be catalytic to you doing this on your own. But if you need some help, familylife.com marriageprayers will help you out.

Speaker 2

Hey, thanks for watching. And if you like this episode, you better like it. Just hit that like button and we'd.

Speaker 1

Like you to subscribe. So all you got to do is go down and hit the subscribe. I can't say the word subscribe. Hit the subscribe button. I don't think I can say this.

Speaker 2

Word like and subscribe.

Speaker 1

Look at that. You say it so easy. Subscribe. There we go.