FamilyLife Today®

Speaker 1

You might be jacked. You might spend three hours a day in the gym. You might be handsome. You might have all the coolest stuff. If you make your wife feel insecure because you're there, she's not attracted to you.

I read one guy saying, yeah, I used to pat myself on the back for being somebody who would defend the home if I had to. And then I realized most of the time, the intruder is me.

Speaker 2

Welcome to Family Life Today where we want to help you pursue the relationships that matter most. I'm Shelby Abbott, and your hosts are Dave and Ann Wilson. You can find us@familylifetoday.com this is Family Life Today.

Speaker 3

So we're going on the water today.

Speaker 4

Yeah.

Speaker 3

We are going out on the boat on the cruise.

Speaker 4

Everyone should go with us on the water.

Speaker 3

Yeah. We're talking about the Love like youe Mean it cruise that we were on last February. And we're gonna hear a talk today from one of our favorite ever guests on Family Life Today and authors and speakers, Bran Hansen.

Speaker 4

This is gonna be really good and you're gonna enjoy it. But before we start, we just wanna encourage you, if you haven't already signed up for the Love like youe Mean It Marriage Cruise, today is your day.

Speaker 3

Yep. You don't wanna miss going this year on the cruise. We'll be there. We're actually giving a keynote. And it's a great week to relax, but it's also a great week to work on your marriage.

Speaker 4

Yeah, it is.

Speaker 3

So to sign up for familylifetoday.com, just go to familylifetoday.com and sign up for the Love Like You program, Mena Cruz.

You'll hear talks like this from, like I said, Brant Hansen. This was the talk he gave to men. We had a men's sort of breakout split session and a women's session. This was Brandt talking to the men.

Speaker 1

If you ask people in our culture to define masculinity, they can't. They'll only be like, well, there's toxic masculinity. Okay, got it. We shouldn't use our strength and power to, like, be toxic, to overwhelm people. Got it. But what's the good side of it? Distinctly good. Even churches I found guys can't articulate that. What's distinctly masculine and good? They'll say, like, well, it's masculine to follow Jesus. True, that's women too. But what's distinctly masculine? That's beautiful. And unfortunately, I've been part of church groups where they can't say it. What is it? We need to have something, some vision for masculinity. So that's what this book is about.

I think maybe I'm the right guy to write this because I'm not good at hunting and I'm not good at other stuff like that. Like, because there's got to be something deeper than just it's a men's group. So we're going to study the Bible and then have steak. Like, steak is awesome, don't get me wrong. But there's got to be something deeper, more masculine than that because some guys are accountants, some people are professors. They're like, we all have different jobs. We're not all hunting in the woods every day. What does masculinity look like in your context? Right where you are.

So this is what was really weird. When I went to college, they had a Christian women's house and they gave us a tour around there. At the time, every girl's room had the same poster in it. It was really weird. This is the best-selling poster of all time. It's called l'enfant. So I was like, okay, I know that guy's good looking, I'm sure, but why is this in every room? I asked one of the girls in college and I was like, what's up with this guy? What's up with this photo of this guy? And she said, oh, he's cute, but it's not him. It's the way the baby is looking at him. You could tell the baby feels secure with him. That's hot.

As an impressionable young teenager, I was like 17. I'm like, I'm going to remember this. Why do all women seem to resonate with a guy who makes vulnerable people feel secure? What is it about that? I think that's really interesting. We are at our best, gentlemen, when we make people around us feel secure. That's it.

And it's very interesting too, because let's go back to the Garden of Eden. Do you remember the job that Adam was given? Specifically Adam? Remember what his job was? Keeper of the Garden. He's the protector of the garden. He's the one in charge of cultivating what's inside the garden. This is uniquely given to the man. As a rule, women can do it, but we're made for it. So what I'm saying in this book is that your garden is your sphere of influence. And everybody within that sphere of influence should feel secure. Anyone vulnerable should feel secure. They should not feel threatened.

Talking about your wife, talking about your kids, talking about people in your neighborhood, we have failed if we make people less secure. We betrayed our role if they're less secure. And I'm not just talking about flexing. See, this is a big problem. Some guys will be like, see, I'm jacked, so my wife has to feel secure. Plus, I get this big truck. I've got a number of guns. Like, okay, that's cool. But actually, you know what? You might be jacked. You might spend three hours a day in the gym. You might be handsome. You might have all the coolest stuff. If you make your wife feel insecure, let's say you flirt with other women, every now and then, she feels more insecure because you're there. She's not attracted to you. In fact, she'll resent your muscles. Do you know that? All the masculine stuff, like, if it's not making her feel more secure, it's resentful. It's not attractive.

Conversely, and here's where it gets to be really awesome news, you guys. You can be out of shape. You don't have to have a giant truck. You don't have to be incredible with guns or ax throwing or whatever. Like, here's the thing, you can be all that if you make your wife feel more secure. If she's secure around you, you're attractive to her. That's a fact. This is the key. There's something instinctive about the way a woman draws out what we're supposed to be. And it's the keeper of the garden.

Here's the other thing about being a keeper of the garden. It's not just protector of the garden, right? If you really understand a wild garden or something, someone who attends to that garden, you cultivate, the vulnerable species within that garden are able to survive and flourish and bloom because you're there. They get to flourish and bloom. Species that, were they in the wild, would be choked out, would die. But because you're there, they get to bloom and become everything they could have been. Your wife, your kids. The vulnerable around you get to flourish because you treat your sphere of influence like it's a garden. You're there to protect the vulnerable.

You know what? You should tell your sons this, by the way. If you have sons, tell them this is their role. Because guys have no idea. They have no vision for masculinity. But when you tell them this, even if they're nine years old, they'll be like, oh, got it. And it also actually lights a fire inside. I'm like, I got it. I can do this. Like, even with my words, I can make people more secure.

There are guys, by the way, who will be like, oh, I defend our household. I mean, if any intruder came in, I would, you know, kill for my wife. I read one guy saying, and this hit me. I read one guy saying, yeah, I used to pat myself on the back for being somebody who would defend the home if I had to. And then I realized it doesn't happen very often. Most of the time, the intruder is me with my words, with my sarcasm, the way I don't respond to my wife.

So you can curse your wife without saying anything. You can just pause for a second and it's a curse. You know, this tone of voice. I have had to work on my tone of voice for 33 years, but I've gotten better. But see, you're the threat. And this guy said, I realize that I'm actually the threat that needs to be defended against. My wife needs defense against me in my attitude.

And you know what also makes women feel really insecure? Adam is guilty of this passivity. If you're not engaged, if she doesn't think that you'd be willing to engage, like that makes her feel insecure. So there's toxic masculinity on one side, which is the abusive kind. The other, toxic masculinity is toxic passivity. And if you talk to counselors, they'll tell you they see that more often than anything else. It's just, yes, dear. Yes, dear. I just want to focus on my iPad. Yes, dear, I get it. But we have to fight that. That makes women feel insecure, too.

Speaker 4

You're listening to Family Life Today, and we've been listening to a talk Brant Hansen gave on the Love Like You Mean It marriage cruise. And honestly, I just wanted to take a quick minute to jump in and say, whatever you're going through today, listen to this: You aren't alone.

I don't know if you know this, but Dave and I have a team at Family Life Today ready to pray for you. It's this incredible honor and privilege just to lift your name up to God. So if you need prayer, please, please reach out to us. You can head on over to familylife.com/prayforme. Again, that's familylife.com/prayforme, and tell us how we can pray for you.

And we're not kidding. Dave and I have a prayer team specifically dedicated to praying for our listeners—praying for you.

Speaker 3

You are not alone. We would love to lift you up by name. So Again, go to familylife.comprayforme and we will pray for you today.

Speaker 4

This is family life today. And we've been listening to a talk Brant Hansen gave on the Love like youe mean It Cruise. Why don't men step in and step up?

Speaker 3

Well, I think Brandt's going to tell us because we're only halfway through this talk, and so we're going to go back and hear more from Brant Hansen.

Speaker 1

When I was writing this, the Men we need, we had this ruckus outside our house. We live in this townhouse. It was like 11:00 at night. We could hear it. We're up in the second story of our townhouse, going to bed, and there's a bunch of people wrestling or tussling or raising a ruckus outside, like a big group of people on the street. Carolyn was looking out the window. She's like, what's going on? This makes me nervous. And I was like, don't worry. Let's just turn the noise maker up louder and then we'll be fine. Like, problem solved.

So I'm lying there, and she gets up again, and she goes downstairs now, and I'm in the bedroom by myself. She's obviously nervous. And I was like, brant, good grief, you're lying in bed. So I put clothes on, I went downstairs, and I went out the front door to confront this big group of whoever. And as I went out the door, you guys, they dispersed. And I promise you, I don't even think they saw me. I don't. I think I just happened to walk out at the exact right time, but I just went out the door to confront them, and they dispersed. And then I turned around, I started heading back in the door, and my wife was like, that was hot. I told her, I don't think they even saw me. They were dispersing. I didn't even do anything. And she said, yeah, but you were willing to. That's hot.

You know what's really weird? Like, I was working on the radio in South Florida. We got hit by several hurricanes in a row years ago. But I had women calling in. One woman called in and said, you know what? My husband's out putting up the shutters. And I just find that incredibly attractive. Putting up the shutters to protect the home. And I was like, really? That's interesting. And then I was flooded, you guys, with calls. All these women go, me too. It's the strangest thing. I see my husband putting up shutters. It's like, wow. It's because you're showing that you're willing to do it. Are you guys tracking with me?

Okay, so I think this is the core. This Keeper of the Garden thing is what we're made for. I really do. And we need to communicate this to people clearly, younger guys, so that they know what it is. I didn't even think about this. We have a boy and a girl. They're growing up now, but our son was picking on our daughter. His name is Justice. And Julia was in a backroom going, justice, stop it. Justice. And I was like, enough. I went back there, and I was like, justice. You realize you're the problem. I have to defend your sister against you. You're supposed to defend your sister. You're her defender. You defend the vulnerable. She's your little sister, and I have to come defend her against you. You betrayed your role.

He's nine. Like, that just came out of my mouth. I wasn't even thinking that much, but I was like, yeah, you're supposed to. And you know what? I honestly don't think we had an incident after that. Like, he got it. Little boys will get this. Men get this, because it's what we're made for. This is a good thing. Being a Keeper of the Garden doesn't mean you own anyone. It means you're here to make people secure, not bad guys. See? And by defending the vulnerable against people who are genuinely evil, you make them more secure because you're here.

That's what I tell younger guys. You're 20, 21, 24 years old. You got testosterone going crazy. You're at your athletic peak. You're strong, you're fast. Like, that's supposed to be. So you can defend the vulnerable, not prey on them. If they see a young guy in a neighborhood who's 21 years old, maybe a group of them, what should happen if they know what their role is? People should go, oh, man, I'm so glad they're here. This neighborhood's safer because these guys are here instead. Guys don't know what they're supposed to be doing, so they prey on people they're not given a vision.

An even bigger problem with young guys. You know this, too. They'll just shut themselves in with video games and porn and not do anything in life because they haven't been given a vision for how they're supposed to live. Like, look, you have a role in this world. I asked a question in the book. I pitched a hypothetical guy named Jake. And you should ask, if you teach kids, you teach young guys or older guys. Ask him this question. Let's say Jake is just Indoors all day. He just plays video games. He doesn't bother anybody and he's happy doing that. And he spends his days, his weeks, his years as a shut in playing video games. He's not bothering anybody. Is there anything wrong with that?

See, most people in our culture can't articulate what's wrong with that if he's happy not bothering anybody. But we can because we're like, yeah, there's something wrong with that. Jake, we needed you out here. God gave you skills and abilities and talents in a context for a reason. And we're missing out on you because you're in here. We needed you. There's an actual vision for masculinity here. And our society suffers when people don't know what it is. So we have to articulate that to people and tell them this is our role.

By the way, let me give you an example. This guy was in the news. There's a gentleman climbing up from story to story. The person dangling there is four years old. It's a four year old boy. This is on the streets of Paris. It wasn't that long ago. You may have seen this in the news. So he's dangling up there. There's a crowd on the street, like, oh my goodness, the poor little boy. They're gasping like, what's going to happen? This poor little boy. Oh no, no, no. What's happening? Well, this immigrant from Mali, this is in Paris is like, I'll take care of this. He starts climbing up and swinging up from one to the next, like getting up on the next balcony. He gets all the way up and gets on the balcony and pulls the kid to safety.

Now that's pretty cool. And I'll ask women, like, is he attractive? Oh, yes. Like, you can't even see him. It doesn't matter. See what I mean? But I'll tell you what, there's another guy involved in this story. You can't see him because he's just inside the sliding glass doors on the floor with that boy. And that's that boy's dad who was playing video games. I love video games. So there's nothing wrong implicitly with video games. But I'll tell you what, you ask a woman, is that guy attractive? No, he's a failure. He's not protecting the vulnerable like that guy, the guy from Mali.

I thought this was cool. He actually gave him a citizenship and like that honorary medal from the president of France, I thought that was really cool for doing what he did. Here's another example. I just think it's interesting because those stories resonate in the media because people are like, oh, that's what men are for. Make us more secure. Yes, right. So this story, I don't know if you saw this. I think they lived in Montana. Bridger and his sister, and I can't remember her name, but he's six, she's three. Apparently his dad and mom were on it. I thought this was very interesting. They were playing at a neighbor's yard and there was some dog loose in the neighborhood, like a vicious dog that went after that little girl.

And Bridger jumped in, pushed her out of the way and then fought the dog. So he got 88 stitches in his face. And he told his dad, I thought if someone had to die, it needed to be me and not her. He's six years old, but his dad had taught him that and he had a very clear view. But what's interesting, again, even though our culture is very confused about masculinity, when people see it, they're just like, yeah, so this went viral. And Robert Downey Jr. And Chris Evans, the guy I think does Captain America, they did a zoom with him. They sent him a Captain America shield from the movie.

But I point that out just to say when people see this, they know it's right. There's something deeply right about defending the vulnerable. And that should be our indicator. I didn't write the book. I tell guys, look, I'm not writing this book so that you can be attractive to women, but you will. But that's not why I wrote the book. I want you to know that there's a God given reason for what you're given as a man. And it's beautiful and it's good. Even if nobody else can articulate it, we know what it is and it's good. Your strength is good. It's just all about being a keeper of the garden. That original job which Adam failed to do.

Remember, he's with Eve. By the way, I always thought when Satan was tempting Eve, that Adam was far away somewhere, like naming animals or something. I don't know what he's doing. Right. You read it in context. Check this out. Read it today. It sounds exactly like he's right there with her the whole time. Right there. And he does nothing. He's supposed to defend this area from the enemy and he does nothing. And then he can't even get the fruit himself. She has to hand it to him. I don't know if he's like lying down or what? Like he's so passive. And then when they've sinned, maybe you remember this. God comes into the garden and what does he say? Adam, where are you? I made you the keeper of the garden. Where are you? You were supposed to defend this place. She was supposed to flourish because of you. Everything's supposed to like, this is your job.

So I do feel like in my field or whatever, I do, like I want to defend the vulnerable. That's who I want to be. I think that's when we're at our best.

Speaker 4

We've been listening to Family Life Today, and we've been listening to a talk that Brandt Hansen gave on the Love Like You Mean It cruise. As Brandt is wrapping up this segment of the talk, there's more to come.

I get teary because of the significance that God has called men into, the importance of their role. And I'm not sure why it makes me teary because I long for that, for women, for friends, for the garden, you know?

Speaker 3

Yeah. I think what's happening is Bran is tapping into the human DNA that God has put in every single one of us to be the men, be the women he's called us to be.

And I think we resonate when we hear it right from scripture that we as men are called to cultivate the garden, to protect the garden, protect the women in the garden.

And I mean, I love Brant Hansen because it's so fresh. You know, so often you think a man is this strong, manly, motorcycle riding, you know, tough guy.

And I'm not saying I can't be a part of being a man, but Brandt says that's not what a man is. It's defending the vulnerable, it's protecting the weak. It's being tender yet strong.

And I think that's what resonates with you.

Speaker 4

Maybe so. I mean, I think a couple weeks ago we heard the story of our five-year-old grandson. He was on a playground with his three-year-old sister, and she fell through some wood. The five-year-old, Bryce, held onto her and said, "Go get help, go get help." He held onto her arms and kept her from falling through. He kept saying, "I'm right here, I'm right here, Autumn, it's okay."

When that happened, I got teary too because I thought, yes, that does resonate with me. For the man to be the protector, and women, we're protecting our kids and so forth. But there is something about that—God has designated men to protect.

Speaker 3

Yeah. And I think when we live out our God-given identity as men and even as women, everyone tears up because everyone sees this is what a man was created to do. This is what a woman was created to do. And it's inspiring.

And boy, we're only halfway through Brant's talk. I mean, the whole room on the cruise, all of us men were just sitting there. It was pretty quiet.

Speaker 4

Was it?

Speaker 3

Yeah, because I think we were all like, he is speaking truth from the word of God. He's given us a vision of what a man is, basically from what Adam failed to do in the garden and what Jesus does. And I think we were inspired to walk out of that ballroom and become and be the man God called us to be.

And I tell you what, you've only heard half the talk. So we're going to come back tomorrow and hear the rest of Brandt's message on the Love like you mean a cruise.

But let me tell you, like we said earlier, you need to be on the cruise next year. You don't want to be hearing cruise talks on family life today. Later, you want to be in the room enjoying the sun, enjoying time away with your spouse, but also being challenged to be the man and woman, the husband, wife, mom and dads that God's called us to be.

So go to familylifetoday.com and sign up.

Speaker 2

I'm Shelby Abbott and you've been listening to David Ann Wilson with Brandt Hansen on Family Life Today. Brandt's written a book called *Men: We Need God's Purpose for the Manly Man*, the avid endorsement, or any man willing to show up. He's great with titles, isn't he? He's just amazing at that. You can get your copy right now by going online to familylifetoday.com, or you could click on the link in the show notes, or feel free to give us a call at 800-358-6329 to request your copy of Brandt Hansen's book *Men: We Need*. Again, the number is 800-F, as in family, L, as in life, and then the word today.

And Dave Wilson is right. You can head over to familylifetoday.com and click on the Love Like You Mean It marriage cruise banner to get more information and sign up for sailing this coming February. Right now, if you sign up before September 30th, you're going to save $400 per stateroom. That's right. Head over to familylifetoday.com to get all the details that you need. Just click on the Love Like You Mean It marriage cruise banner.

Now, tomorrow we're going to hear the other half of Brandt Hansen's talk from the Love Like You Mean It marriage cruise last year. He's going to talk about godly manhood, emphasizing loyalty over emotions, practical faith practices, and, of course, spiritual growth. That's coming up tomorrow. We hope you'll join us.

On behalf of David Ann Wilson, I'm Shelby Abbott. We'll see you back next time for another edition of Family Life Today. Family Life Today is a donor-supported production of Family Life, a Cru ministry helping you pursue the relationships that matter most.