FamilyLife Today®

Crystal Paine: I used to be someone who's very much a control freak and recognizing I truly cannot control my life. It's so much better when I just release it to Him. So much of our stress comes from us thinking that we can control the people and the things in our lives. When we're just gripping so tightly to everything and trying to make our plans work, that's when we feel so much frustration.

Dave Wilson: Welcome to FamilyLife Today where we want to help you pursue the relationships that matter most. I’m Dave Wilson.

Ann Wilson: And I’m Ann Wilson, and you can find us at familylifetoday.com. This is FamilyLife Today.

Dave Wilson: So here's my question for you. If there's a class that isn't taught in high school that should be, don't look at your notes, I don't want any pre-thought. I know you know where we're going today, so you probably have a thought in your head, but what would it be?

Ann Wilson: Marriage and family, like how to have a great relationship, communication, and conflict skills.

Dave Wilson: Wow, that's not what I was thinking. I was thinking you would answer based on who we have in the studio with us today, something on time management.

Ann Wilson: I would have flunked that class because I'm really bad at that. I think that this is really necessary. I think that would have been a great class in high school because we all have to somehow manage our time and it gets really tricky if we're moms, if we're juggling a lot of different jobs, activities, all kinds of things. Yes, we have Crystal Paine back in the studio with us today. Crystal, you've been on before, but welcome to FamilyLife Today.

Crystal Paine: Thank you so much. I'm excited to be here, and I have two more children since the last time I was here.

Dave Wilson: So you really need to manage your time. You went from four to six in one year.

Ann Wilson: Four to six. Give our listeners a little inside scoop of what happened. You decided to adopt a little boy.

Crystal Paine: Yes, so we were fostering and we'd been fostering little David. We fostered him for 22 months before we adopted him. But we said yes to adopting him right as I was in the middle of writing this book, actually. It kind of came about in a very unexpected way. Then four weeks later, found out I was expecting. So I wrote this book on time management in the middle of morning, noon, and night sickness with two toddlers and three teenagers.

Ann Wilson: If you can do it and write a book and apply these principles, then that's pretty miraculous to me.

Dave Wilson: I remember seeing the title of your last chapter, "The Chapter I Never Expected to Write." I'm like, "I wonder what this is," because I didn't know. Oh my goodness. I mean, you talk about time management, but tell our listeners, they know this, but you're sort of the mother of Facebook. Didn't you start Facebook? Aren't you the one?

Crystal Paine: Me and Mark Zuckerberg just kind of go way back. No, I've been blogging since 2004, 2005. That was back before people can even imagine social media. We did not have social media. We had blogs, we had comments, we had email. That's what we had. It's crazy. I can never imagine what the internet is like today.

Ann Wilson: And then what were you blogging about?

Crystal Paine: I first started blogging just on motherhood and life and all of that, and then quickly found that people were very interested in saving money. My husband and I were, he was in law school. We were living in this little basement apartment on a beans and rice budget and we were trying to stay out of debt while he was in law school. So I was learning lots of ways to maximize the mileage of our money and started just kind of mentioning it on this little blog that I had.

People were like, "Tell me more. Wait, how did you do that? How did you buy all your groceries for $17 this week? I need more details." So I started sharing more on that and pretty soon realized there was enough interest that I would start this little side thing in 2007 called Money Saving Mom. Within a year we were making a full-time income off of that blog. It just kind of morphed into something far beyond what I could ever dream or imagine. Now it's our full-time thing that we do. My husband is home full-time. He's an attorney by trade, but is home full-time and that's what we do is just helping people to save money. Also on Instagram, I'm the Money Saving Mom on Instagram, just sharing through my podcast and through Instagram how to live with intention and love your life.

Dave Wilson: So you went from, it sounds like a big overlap between money saving mom and this book is time saving mom. Walk us through what that is. Is it taking money principles and applying it to time or is it much deeper?

Crystal Paine: Definitely it is, and there is a lot of overlap between money and time. Those are the two commodities that a lot of times people feel like they just never have enough of. I talk in this book about how money and time are correlated, but also how they're different. But one of the things is if we're intentional with our money, I've talked about budgeting for years and years, if we have a budget for our money, it feels like the money goes further and we're just more careful with how we spend it.

I feel the same is true with time. I talk about my time-block to-do list in the book and how if I budget my time, which is what a time-block to-do list is for me, I feel like I have so much more of it. I'm so much calmer and I'm so much more intentional in how I spend my time.

Ann Wilson: Every listener's like, "I need that." The subtitle is "How to Juggle a Lot, Enjoy Your Life, and Accomplish What Matters Most."

Dave Wilson: Nobody wants to do that.

Ann Wilson: I read that subtitle and I’m like, yes, yes, yes. But I’m thinking of the listener because this is me. I’m thinking, I’m just not good with budgeting my money or my time. Does that mean I’m out, like this won't apply to me, or is it doable?

Crystal Paine: I think a lot of people when they hear just even the title, Time-Saving Mom, you instantly think, "Oh, this is for people who are really organized," or for people who really want to be organized. There's nothing wrong with wanting to be more organized, I think that that's great. But this isn't about fitting everyone into a one-size-fits-all sort of plan. This is about being intentional with your life. So that is going to look different for different people depending upon your temperament, depending upon your life situation.

Figuring out what it looks for you to be intentional with your time. I think for someone that's not necessarily having this super rigid schedule. For other people, it might look like that. But it's more about wrapping your time and your life and your energy around what's going to matter at the end of your life.

Dave Wilson: So it's not just a wiring. Because there's a part of you that thinks, I'm just not wired that way. You're saying it doesn't matter how you're wired, this is something you can intentionally decide to choose to do. Am I putting words in your mouth or is that true?

Crystal Paine: I think it's a little bit of both because I do think we need to have somewhat of a mindset shift. I talk about in the book how if we say, "I'm not this." If you tell yourself, "I'm not an organized person," or "I could never do that," or "That's just not who I am," you're never going to change. We all want to be growing and changing and learning, but within the confines of how God has created us.

Figuring out our wirings and figuring out how we can use those to the glory of God. One of the things for me was to stop saying, "I'm not this." For the longest time I just told myself these negative things, truly it was negative things, and if we just stay stuck in that, we're never going to change. I talk about in the book how feelings follow action. So act as if you are a more organized person. That doesn't mean that you have to become an extremely organized person, but what would an organized person do? Let's act as if. Or what would a person who uses their time well, what would they do? Let's act as if that, and probably some feelings are going to follow action.

Dave Wilson: That's good.

Ann Wilson: I think it's good too. Especially, I feel like you have even more credibility because those with teenagers, their life is crazy on the go. They're at every event, they have so many activities, they're driving, you're going to all these school things, sports. But then you also have these littles in your home where they're napping and you're nursing. You've got whole different lives going on underneath one roof. Did you feel like these principles you needed them more than ever?

Crystal Paine: In the chapter that I never expected to write, I talk about how I actually walked out these principles in that season where there was a lot of overwhelm and a lot of unexpected. Yes, our life every day it's like I'm straddling college visits and ACTs and nursing and potty training and ABCs and everything in between. Sometimes it's like this emotional whiplash, but it's wonderful.

I feel like our perspective changes so much. Choosing for me to see this as a gift. This life is a gift and every day I get to show up to my life instead of letting life happen to me. It changes how I live my life.

Ann Wilson: How did you come about that attitude? Because I remember as a young mom, I thought, I have no life. I would say that over and over. I have no life anymore. I don't even know who I am. But you're taking a whole different side. "Look at this gift that I'm living." How'd that come about?

Crystal Paine: I think for me 10 years of secondary infertility and then having little ones again. I see the scribbling on the wall, the pee on the floor, all of that, I see as evidence of this gift in my home. The laundry piles, that's evidence of the life that's happening. I really feel like having teenagers, but also toddlers, it gives you this different perspective because you know those little years, they do not last long. They feel like when you're in the thick of it, it's a lot.

They're never going to learn how to potty train. They're never going to be able to unbuckle themselves out of their car seats. But then you look at your older ones and you're like, "It was just a few years and then it was over." Recognizing this season of life that I'm in, this is a gift. Waking up every day and choosing gratitude and looking for the good. I try to go throughout my day, when something unexpected happens, what's the good in this?

Ann Wilson: As you say that, I'm thinking of your four-step system.

Dave Wilson: I want to ask something before we go there. Because you mentioned something that I want to hear your journey. You got teens and toddlers. There's a 10-year, you said a 10-year infertility gap. What was that struggle like?

Crystal Paine: We always wanted to have a large family. My husband and I both come from large families and always pictured that we would have a large family. We actually never used any kind of birth control. We had three children and we thought, "Oh, we're going to probably have 8 or 10 or 12," and then didn't get pregnant. For the first few years, we're in the thick of raising these three little ones and then all of a sudden they're getting older and they start saying, "When are we going to have another brother or sister?"

Other people are getting pregnant and we're not. About eight years into the journey, we looked at each other one day and we were like, "The clock is ticking and if we really want to have more kids, what are we going to do about this?" So we ended up going and getting all the testing and doing all the stuff and we found out then through the six months of all the testing that they did at the end, they said we weren't even candidates for IVF. It was just this real gut punch because we had kind of pictured, well, you go to the fertility doctors and they're going to help you and you're going to have more kids.

Ann Wilson: Did you go through a real grieving process?

Crystal Paine: It was a real grieving process. The interesting thing is I have this Instagram Live that I did, this video in that, where I talked about how I had pictured that I was going to have a boy and a girl. I just pictured that our family wasn't complete and we were going to have this boy and this girl. It's weird to say this, but it was like I had to grieve the loss of that, even the dream and what I thought my life was going to be.

But then once going through that grieving process, then realizing, I have three children. I can spend the rest of my life grieving what I don't have or being grateful for what I do have. So just really focusing on the gift, again, of these three children. What is God going to allow me to do that I wouldn't be able to do if I had eight children? We were able to travel and be involved in ministries overseas and then we started getting involved in foster care locally. Through that God just opened up our eyes to the need right in our neighborhood of these children who didn't have a place to stay. They were sleeping on couches in the DCS office because there weren't families to take them in. We started praying and just really feeling like God was calling us to foster.

So we said yes, we started in on that very long process of all the classes and the paperwork and getting our home ready. The last week of the walkthrough for our foster care home study, I was feeling like something was really off. I was very on edge and just frustrated with my family and I realized I was two weeks late. I said to my husband, "I think I'm going through early menopause." He's like, "Well, maybe we should call the OB and see if you can get in for testing." The thought never crossed my mind that it was anything other than early menopause.

So he was going to call the OB, but then he was like, "You know, if we call the OB, they're going to ask if you took a pregnancy test." So he's like, "I'm going to go to Walgreens, I'm going to get a pregnancy test, we'll bring it back, you'll take it, and then we can call them." So we did. It was one of those digital ones, which I hadn't taken because it's been a long time since I took a pregnancy test. It popped up right away and it said "Pregnant." I kept waiting for the "Not" to come up because I was like, "Surely it takes, then the 'Not' is going to pop up to say 'Not Pregnant'." I waited three minutes and it didn't. So then we looked at each other like, "What on earth? I guess we're doing this."

So that was a long answer to your question, but we just can see God's faithfulness. Then He ended up that not only because of secondary infertility us pursuing foster care, which we got to foster a sweet little boy from the NICU for eight and a half months and then see him reunified with his mom, but then also our little David. I look at the picture of our family now and how God has given us that girl and that boy that I never envisioned that we were going to have, but also this extra bonus boy who has brought so much joy to our home who wouldn't be in that picture if it were not for the 10 years of secondary infertility. God writes the best stories.

Dave Wilson: Wow. That is really beautiful. It just reminds me, I know that so many have struggled with infertility and it's one of the most painful things that they can experience. But I love that the doctors are like, "There's nothing you can do." Who knows what God's going to do? So many times, don't you think that we have this plan of how God should do it? "Lord, this is what I'm thinking, this is what I've dreamed about." And it doesn't happen the way we want. And yet God's plan when we walk it and trust Him is sometimes even more beautiful than we could even imagine, even when it's hard. He still has some great things in the hardness that He's teaching us.

Ann Wilson: We're going to talk about your four-step process to get our lives intentionally managed around our time. That's really where we're headed. But I'm so inspired right now by your perspective on gratitude. That's why I was getting into the first one because it's so different than where our culture tends to go toward more the negative and what we don't have. Social media always makes us feel like we're missing out. I asked about your four-step system because the first one is to pray. To have that attitude of gratitude of seeing God in it, I'm thinking it probably started there even with your walk with God.

As you're talking about it, I'm thinking of Romans. Don't be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of our minds. Has God transformed you in that way to see the good and the beauty?

Crystal Paine: Yes, I really feel like the last few years with all of the unknowns of foster care and adopting and having a child with special needs and then also teenagers and biological children, there's so much of my control that He's taken from me. I used to be someone who's very much a control freak. Recognizing I truly cannot control my life and it's so much better when I just release it to Him.

So much of our stress comes from us thinking that we can control the people and the things in our lives. When we're just gripping so tightly to everything and trying to make our plans work, that's when we feel so much frustration. This four-step system, the first step being prayer, that posture of our hearts of releasing to the Lord and saying, "God, I'm not enough in and of myself, in my own strength, but in Christ I can do all things."

I talk about what it looks like to live my day out of that posture of every single day just leaning on the Lord, relying upon Him, starting my day with prayer, praying over all the details of my day, giving it to God. On those mornings when I didn't get much sleep the night before, on those days when I need to have a hard conversation with a teenager or there's something that I can't do it in my own strength, it feels like it's too much. Crying out to the Lord, asking Him for His help, asking Him to multiply my time, multiply my energy, multiply my capacity.

He is so faithful. He is the God who multiplies. He can take my little bit of energy, sometimes I feel like it's like my little crumbs that I offer up to Him, and He multiplies it to be enough. He's just so faithful. So really starting from that posture, that changes everything.

Ann Wilson: Where do you find the time to do that? Are you up at 4 or 5 in the morning?

Crystal Paine: I think so often people think of prayer as it needs to happen on your knees, 30 minutes of quiet. I can't think of the last time that that has happened in my life. Just this past week, I was working out. A lot of times I pray while I'm working out. So either walking on the treadmill, lifting weights, something like that. I had three children all around me. One was pulling on my leg, one was wanting to be picked up, the other one was playing right next, and there was a lot of commotion.

But I could still quiet my heart in the midst of that and just, I was just praying over my day. Praying for my teenagers, praying for what was coming that day. Prayer is not necessarily something that has to happen in quiet. That's wonderful if you have that space in your life, but don't discount the power of what I call flare prayers, where you just are shooting up a prayer to God.

Just yesterday, one of my teens was just walking through something hard and I called them down because we needed to have a conversation. Right before they walked in the door to my bedroom, I just shot up a prayer and I was like, "God, I don't even know how to have this conversation. I don't even know what I'm supposed to say. I just know that I need to talk to them and they're struggling. Give me the words." And He did. He's always so faithful.

So often I feel like we discount His power. We forget. It's like we make prayer our last resort instead of our first response. I feel like so often we are then missing out on so much blessing. We have God's Spirit in us. We are supercharged, superhumans with superpowers because we have His Spirit in us. But yet we just walk around like it all depends upon us and we got to white-knuckle our way through life feeling all frustrated.

Ann Wilson: Flare prayer. I like that. I think that's the best part of being a mom that I learned is that I'm praying without ceasing. I understood Paul's words. I get it now. You're just, there's no time to just sit for these long periods of time, and some people can get those times. But I found myself also praying out loud with my kids a lot, which is a great discipleship tool. They're seeing me in the morning when I'm like, "Lord, I don't have any energy. None of us slept good last night. I need Your strength, I need Your power."

We're driving to school, "Lord, I pray for this test and this friendship." The kids are praying, we're all praying. So it's this great thing for our kids to see too, that prayer isn't about Sunday. It's not just about this time with God, which are both wonderful. Prayer's this communion and communication with God all day long.

Dave Wilson: Flare prayer. We're going to steal that. Seriously, as I'm listening to you, I'm thinking if you're picking up a book that says Time-Saving Mom or any kind of book that says something, "I'm going to help you manage your time," I don't think you expect prayer to be step one. Which is so beautiful to think. "Wait, wait, wait, it's like prayer is something I do at the end or if I can't manage my life, I'll go to God." You're saying start there. I'm thinking of so many moms going, "That's me. I'm on the treadmill or I'm in the kitchen and there's kids here, there, diapers, food needs to be done." Their life is out of control. So I thought one of you moms should pray for that mom. Would you be willing to do that, Crystal? You've given us a gift even today of look at the people and the things going on in your life that you can be grateful for. I was convicted when you said you walk in the bathroom and there's toilet paper shredded everywhere. I'm like, "You're grateful? That's a perspective that we don't have and that leads to joy. Gratitude leads to joy." So yeah, who's going to pray?

Crystal Paine: I'll pray. Heavenly Father, I just think of the woman who is listening right now who she is feeling so overwhelmed by her life. She just feels like she's in this deep dark hole and there's so much on her shoulders and she just can't carry it anymore. She doesn't want to go on. She's lost her joy, she's lost her zest for life. I just pray right now that You would just scoop her up and that You would help her to feel so carried by You. That she could just have the courage to say, "God, help me."

That You would show up in miraculous ways on her behalf and that she could just start leaning on You instead of feeling like life is all dependent upon her. But that she could put her dependence upon You and that she could see You show up and be great and mighty on her behalf. That You would do exceeding abundantly above all that she could ever ask or think and that she could only attribute it to Your power and Your goodness. God, I just thank You for the women that You're going to free up from having to carry the burdens of life because they can cast those burdens on You and You are going to carry them and be faithful. In Jesus' name I pray. Amen.

Dave Wilson: One of the things I love about Crystal Paine is how practical she is and helpful to all of us. Her book is called *The Time-Saving Mom: How to Juggle a Lot, Enjoy Your Life, and Accomplish What Matters Most*. You can find it by clicking the link in the show notes at familylifetoday.com.

Ann Wilson: All right, let me just say this. We know life is full of challenges and families today need biblical truth more than ever.

Dave Wilson: That is true.

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Dave Wilson: So let's make a lasting difference together. Become a partner today. Just go to familylifetoday.com and click the donate button. FamilyLife Today is a donor-supported production of FamilyLife, a Cru ministry, celebrating 50 years of helping you pursue the relationships that matter most.