FamilyLife Today®

Speaker 1

We know this. The culture will tell you, hey, as long as you're not hurting anybody else, what's it matter? Just do what you want. Just as long as you're happy.

If you want to sit and play video games 18 hours a day, hey, if you're not hurting anybody.

So if you're not given a bigger vision for who to be, it's very difficult to say no to that stuff.

Speaker 2

Welcome to Family Life Today, where we want to help you pursue the relationships that matter most. I'm Ann Wilson.

Speaker 3

And I'm Dave Wilson. And you can find us at Family Life Today. This is Family Life Today. All right, so we got Bran Hansen back in the studio. It's always a good day.

Speaker 2

It's a great day when Carolyn's sitting.

Speaker 3

Out, you know, listening to the whole thing. She's waving at us.

Speaker 2

Carolyn is the best wife, isn't she? The best.

Speaker 1

Yep. And we got married when I was 20, she was 21. And people are like, it'll never work.

Speaker 3

So how many years now?

Speaker 1

34.

Speaker 2

Still there.

Speaker 1

The jury's still out, but it's been 34 really great years.

Speaker 2

I can tell she really likes you.

Speaker 1

Well, good.

Speaker 3

Anyway, we're talking about manhood stuff. You've written the Men We Need and Guys and Women. If you've never gotten that book, get it.

And then a follow-up, the Young Men We Need. Again, we sort of talked about this yesterday. But why did you even want to write a second one for younger men?

Speaker 1

Because young guys are not given a vision for masculinity. They're just not in churches, too. It's just more generic terms like, we need you to be men. Be a man.

Okay, but what are you talking about?

And for guys that aren't necessarily into hunting, fishing, that sort of stuff, which is. That stuff's great.

Speaker 3

Yeah. Nothing wrong with it.

Speaker 1

Or they're not into outdoorsy stuff. They're not climbing mountains. They're not running with the bulls in Pamplona. I read these books about masculine topics previously, and a lot of it is centered around those activities, but it's got a Christian dressing on it, which is fine.

But what about guys that are more artsy? What about guys that are IT professionals or professors? Most guys are not into all that stereotypical masculine stuff. So there's got to be something deeper about masculinity that runs deeper than all that. That's great, and it's wonderful, and we should celebrate it and then give guys a vision for it.

That's what both books do. But young guys in particular, man, I want to influence them because they respond to this. They hear this vision for masculinity, and they're like, "Oh, that's it." Again, it's across all their different hobbies, abilities, and interests. It's deeper than all that, so everybody can relate to it.

Speaker 2

Brant, did you and Carolyn see the Forge? The movie?

Speaker 1

Yeah, I saw it. She has, and I've seen it.

Speaker 2

Yeah. It reminds me of this. Of a young man that doesn't have a vision for who he's called to be.

Speaker 1

Yeah. Without purpose.

Speaker 2

Yes.

Speaker 1

How do you say no to all the foolishness? Like, if you're not given a vision, you're just kind of going through life and you feel meaningless. A lot of guys do just feel meaningless, like, well, ye. Because you're doing meaningless stuff. Maybe we're doing video games and stuff. It's not a guilt trip. None of this is a guilt trip.

It's just like, once you hear, I'm supposed to be a keeper of the garden, I'm supposed to protect people. I'm supposed to provide for people. I'm supposed to defend the vulnerable at every turn with whatever I have. That's my job, is to bring security to people, not insecurity. With my words.

That's a huge part of this, is with words. Like, you can build or destroy with your words, but once a guy understands that he's supposed to build and cultivate other people's lives and allow them to bloom whoever he can, well, now you get it. Now that's not meaningless at all.

You could see, like, I actually do have a purpose. For most guys, once you hear this, most guys are like, wait a second. That sounds right. Because you are built for that. It just resonates.

Speaker 3

And you wake up on mission because you have a vision for who you're supposed to be and what you're supposed to do.

Speaker 1

And you can reject the ideas about masculinity based on this. So, for instance, I use the example of Andrew Tate, again. He's this influencer, a huge influencer. Very. I would say a horrible example. Like, he's got all these children by all these different women he talks about because he's good looking and rich and has all these cars and all that.

So now you can look at that, understanding who we're supposed to be. Instead of being a young Christian guy who's thinking, "Yeah, that guy's masculine," you can go, "Wait a second, that guy's one of the most unmasculine people on the planet." He's using women, and he's not taking responsibility for his vulnerable children. He's not a keeper of the garden; he's an enemy in the garden. He's a threat. These women don't get to feel more protected by him; they feel vulnerable.

So you can now reject these tropes about masculinity. Like, yeah, that guy's jacked. Yeah, he's got a big truck. Yeah, he's, you know, ex, whatever. You know, he's a Navy SEAL, whatever. But he is sarcastic with his wife, puts her down, and makes her feel insecure. Like, that's not masculine.

But until you're given the vision for that, until somebody tells you, you're not going to pick up on it because the culture at large is not going to do that for you anymore. It's just not going to happen.

Speaker 3

Yeah. And it's interesting as you talk about young men, you met Bobby. Bobby Markham took pictures of us on our staff. He works here.

He has been leading his son through the young men we need. And so we asked him to give us a little, you know, tell us how this has gone.

So here's what he had to say.

Speaker 4

My wife and I were seeing the need to speak into my son's life and call him to a higher standard. I came across Brandt's book, *The Young Men We Need*, and decided that I would take my son Benjamin earlier this year on a weekend retreat to a resort where we could get away and read through Brandt's book together. We planned to go through all the discussion questions and have meaningful conversations.

I coupled that with having five men who were influential in his life record videos that would also speak into the topics of Brandt's book. I intended to surprise him with these videos in each session. It really had an impact, not only for he and I during our time together—just father to son, opening some great conversations and doors of the heart—but also when we came home. We began to notice an impact on his reactions and interactions with his sisters, both older and younger, and a growing sense of responsibility in our home.

I saw a difference in his maturity through that time, and it truly blessed our home. Now, things aren't perfect, but I really do credit that weekend of being intentional in spending time with him and using that resource.

Speaker 2

Isn't that cool?

Speaker 1

It is. It's cool. It makes me really happy for him, for Bobby and his son. Makes me happy I. I honestly got a little bit sad, though, because I was thinking about all the guys that never get told this, and it would be so life-giving to them and so life-giving to their future wives. That's what hurts.

Because the culture will tell you, we know this. The culture will tell you, hey, as long as you're not hurting anybody else, what's it matter? Just do what you want. Just as long as you're happy. If you want to sit and play video games 18 hours a day, hey, if you're not hurting anybody, but you are hurting somebody, you're hurting yourself, number one, because you're going to feel this meaninglessness.

And a lot of young guys, do you see it, they're surly, withdrawn. Part of that's just being a young guy sometimes. But it's exacerbated by not having any purpose.

Speaker 2

Even the porn thing.

Speaker 1

Absolutely.

Speaker 2

Destroying future marriages and relationships.

Speaker 1

So if you're not given a bigger vision for who to be, it's very difficult to say no to that stuff. Again, you can't just give up something unless you love something else more. What I'm trying to say, too, to young guys is it's not just about not hurting other people. You're actively given talents and abilities to do this keeper of the garden thing, where you protect and cultivate other people. You protect the innocent. This is something you're made for.

Once you start doing it, you come alive, and it squeezes a lot of this other stuff out of your life because you have a purpose. But it hurts, though. Think about this: most young men, I would say, feel very purposeless. If you ask them what their purpose was, you can see it with suicide rates. Men to women, it's like four to one, something like that. Young guys, it hurts.

I do feel like if we could articulate, as the people of God, we could say, "Hey, this is what we're supposed to be, this keeper of the garden thing. Here's what you're made for." Like, for me, I'm not all of that stuff. All the tropes about masculinity—we joke about it, but it's true. I can't see. I have neurological problems. I got invited to Axe Throwing Night at a church nearby, and I was like, "I don't think you want me there."

Speaker 3

50 human beings following us to sign waivers.

Speaker 1

So I can't do all that stuff. I can't climb mountains. I don't have a good sense of balance.

But, okay, so what I'm good at is words. Right. So I like to write. But you know what? I get to use my words in my particular thing. I use it to work with Cure, this Christian hospital network that helps kids with correctable disabilities.

And I get to spread the word about it and motivate people to be part of that so we can heal even more kids. I get to defend these children and these moms who are penniless and rejected because they have a disability.

And I get to help heal them through whatever I can do. But I'm just using my nerdiness.

Speaker 2

Your nerdiness.

Speaker 1

Really? Honestly. So isn't that wonderful, though?

Speaker 2

Yes.

Speaker 1

So every guy who's listening or every guy, you know, once they get a vision for. This is what I'm supposed to do with whatever you have.

Speaker 3

Right?

Speaker 1

Well, now, that's wonderful. You might be good at fixing cars. You might be good at all sorts of different stuff, but it's like, now you realize this is my role to make people feel more secure, not less the innocent, the people around me.

And a lot of that is with the words that you're building people up with or tearing them down. That's a huge part of it.

But all of us can do this.

Speaker 2

Hey, guys. We just wanted to take a quick minute to jump in and say, whatever you're going through today, I think this is important to remember you aren't alone.

And did you know that Dave and I have a team at Family Life today ready to pray for you? It's this incredible honor and a privilege to lift your name up to God. So if you need prayer, please don't hesitate to reach out to us. I really mean that. Head on over to familylife.com/prayforme. Again, that's familylife.com/prayforme and tell us how we can pray.

And again, we are not kidding. Dave and I have a prayer team specifically dedicated to praying for our listeners. I pray for some of these while I'm on my walks with God. I just pray. I will pray for you.

And, Dave, you always fast on Fridays, and that's when you pray.

Speaker 3

Yeah, I take the whole day. And instead of eating food, I'm praying and I'm praying for my family, but I'm also praying for you and your family. And isn't that a great thing to know that someone's praying for you?

Speaker 2

Yes.

Speaker 3

And if it's not Ann and I praying for you, someone from our small prayer team will pray for you by name. We love to do it. So go to familylife.com prayforme and submit your requests. And I mean, do it right now. We would love to pray for you today.

Speaker 2

It's funny, Brant. When our kids were little, I remember tucking them in bed at night once in a while. And I'd say, I can't wait for you to discover all the things God has put in you. I remember them saying, like, what do you mean, is it a present? I'm like, it is kind of a present. When you understand he's putting different passions and gifts and ideas in you and you start discovering them, you see how he wants to use them in the world. Those gifts become a gift to other people.

So for them to think, like, I can't wait to discover what that is, is important. But I think we're living in a culture where we're so distracted. We constantly have things on our minds, we're constantly scrolling, and we're constantly in front of screens. We're not even looking inward to see God.

Who am I, and how have you created me? What is my identity? What are my gifts? How do you want to use me in this world to impact it for your kingdom, to bring better, not worse?

Speaker 1

Even within the family. I mean, we talked about this.

But you could tell a 10 year old or a 12 year old boy right now, today, hey, your job is to protect your little brother or your little sister or your mom.

This is your role in the family. You have a role right now, just.

Speaker 2

So you know, not when you grow up now.

Speaker 1

Right? So when you're using your words to cut down your mom or cut down your sister, you're betraying your role as defender. They understand that there's no reason not to tell them this.

Speaker 2

So instead of saying stop that, you would say, what?

Speaker 1

I'm disappointed because your role is to build us up. You're supposed to be the keeper of the garden and instead you're cutting us down. I'm just disappointed you're coming from that, from a larger view. And when you say stuff like you did, which is just music to a boy's ears, but you can shape people, guys. You can shape by when they do something that's positive too. When you actually see them do it, you make a big deal out of it. I hate that we're so manipulatable there, but we are.

I was laughing about this because we live in South Florida and again, I'm not handy. I don't fix stuff very much. But we were getting hit by one hurricane after another one year, and we were in the eye, I think, of three hurricanes. But I had to put up the shutters, these metal shutters. And you have to assemble them and slide them over. And they're heavy and they're just tough. And we live in a three-story townhouse and we're going up and down.

And Carolyn said, you know, it's really attractive when you put up the shutters. And she meant it. She's like, there's something about watching me put these shutters up protecting her. Yeah. So I just mentioned that I thought, that's funny. And I mentioned it on the radio the next day. Cause I had a radio show in South Florida and everybody's doing the same thing.

Speaker 2

Using your words.

Speaker 1

Yeah, yeah, right. See, but I mentioned on the air, I said it's something really odd. I mean, I was putting up the shutters yesterday. My wife said it was really attractive. And the phones went bananas.

Speaker 2

Yes.

Speaker 1

With nothing but women. My husband is so hot when he puts up the shutters. Isn't that something?

Speaker 2

I'm not surprised in the least.

Speaker 1

Okay, so. But guys don't know this.

Speaker 3

Yeah. Do not know this.

Speaker 1

Okay, but. But hearing her say that to me again, I remembered that if you catch a guy doing this keeper of the garden thing, celebrate.

I feel more secure. Because you just did that. I feel safer.

It's very attractive when you make me feel secure. That I'm telling you, you'll get more of that.

Speaker 2

Last night, our toilet was messed up.

Speaker 3

Oh, no, we're not gonna talk about the toilet.

Speaker 2

So, Dave.

Speaker 3

Great.

Speaker 2

I see. I love this about him. I can say this thing's broken and I know he can fix it. I don't even know how in the world. It's like a magical trick that he can.

He goes in there and he's like, oh, no, this toilet's different from the Michigan toilets. Because tonight we're.

Speaker 3

These Florida toilets are quite a thing.

Speaker 2

But, you know, he's all frustrated. There's something in me, though, that is so happy that he's in there fixing our toilet.

And then here's what he does next, which I'm like, oh, I would have never done this. He gets on our Facebook neighborhood group and says, what did you say?

Speaker 3

Well, because it was so something I'd never seen before. I just, you know, we have a whole neighborhood group and it's very active.

Speaker 1

Yeah.

Speaker 3

Like, hey, these new shutoff valves are different than what I've seen. Somebody give me some info.

And next. Next thing I know, hey, my husband will come over. I'm like, some lady.

And here's his number. And he showed up and he helped and we had it fixed.

And, you know, but here's what I'm thinking.

Speaker 2

I'm watching these two guys as a woman, and this is where I give single moms credit. Like, man, you're having to handle so much on your own.

But for I'm like, look, I love men when they get their stuff done in whatever field. It makes us as women, like, thank you.

Speaker 1

Yes, thank you. All of this is not to say I make it a point of this in the book, too. To say I'm not writing this. To say, here's how to be attractive to women.

Speaker 2

That's not the point.

Speaker 3

And it isn't also that women can't do this.

Speaker 1

Right.

Speaker 3

Women do this sometimes.

Speaker 2

We're better at that.

Speaker 1

What I'm making the point. Point is that women resonate with this when you do this at a deep level, because it's who you're supposed to be if we're made for this. And in fact, guys resonate with it when they see other guys doing this.

Speaker 2

Yeah.

Speaker 3

And I even wonder in my own life, you know, I didn't have a dad. I mean, he left when I was seven. He drank, he womanized, and there was a divorce. He was all about money; he was obsessed with money.

I became the son of a single mom, and my brother died. So all of that takes place in the span of a year. But I've never even connected the dots.

One of the reasons I think I'm supposed to protect Ann, and I knew it even before I was a follower of Christ, is that was something God wanted me to be. I had to protect my mom as a middle school and a high school boy. I was like, she has no man in her life. I literally am the man.

Speaker 2

I think your mom told you that.

Speaker 3

Yeah, she said that all the time. And at first, I resented it. I'm like, I don't want to be the man, man. I'm seven. I'm eight.

Speaker 1

I know.

Speaker 3

But as I grew into it, you know, this brand, there's something inside a man that says, I'm supposed to protect. I'm supposed to make people feel secure.

Speaker 2

It's in me.

Speaker 1

It's there, but it needs to be called out.

Speaker 3

Yeah.

Speaker 2

And cultivated.

Speaker 1

Yeah. And explicitly saying, this is your role. Look, women can do stuff.

Speaker 2

Yeah. We can get it all done.

Speaker 1

Right. It's just that it's like, I don't know the analogy I'm trying to use. There's only trouble that I'll get in for using this. There's a car stuck in the ditch. You can probably pull it out with another car. But there's a truck that's made for it, right? With a hitch or something. The guy driving that truck or the person driving the truck is like, "That's what this is made for."

And so for us guys, it's like, when you tell us that you've seen us do something like that, like protecting our little sister or something, it accounts for a lot. Like, I think it's what I'm here for.

So there's a video, and people have probably seen this news video, but it's in Louisiana. It's a high school that's completely overcome with violence. This was in the news a couple of years ago.

Speaker 2

Yes.

Speaker 1

Remember this?

Speaker 2

Yes.

Speaker 1

Completely overcome. Just fights. It was terrible. Well, the dads in the area decided to move in. So they put on matching T shirts. And these are all guys, you know, kind of big guys, you know, not necessarily in shape big, but just regular guys.

Speaker 3

Dad bods.

Speaker 1

Yeah, yeah. Yes. And just fill in the hallways, greeting kids at the door. They're coming in, you know, they're talking, razzing each other, goofing off with the kids, saying, hey, what's up? Getting to know everybody's names.

No more violence at that school because the dads are there. There's something deeply wonderful about that.

So as a man, I'm watching this video and going, those guys are really cool.

Speaker 3

Yeah.

Speaker 1

None of them are, like, on the COVID of Men's Health. None of them, like, I don't know what their resumes are, how much money they make or whatever.

But see, that's such obvious masculinity at. Everybody resonates with it. Even secular people who deny that there's such a thing as specific masculinity, they're the ones putting together the news item about it, going, look at this. We know it's right.

Speaker 2

And I think what we feel as women. We talked about this earlier, but women, we have a big load. I'm thinking of, like, these big backpacks that we carry of responsibilities, things that weigh us down. I don't know what men are like, but we as women carry that constantly.

And so when our husband or men aren't stepping into positions they're called to, we can cover that, but it's like putting another 50 pounds on our back. It just feels like, man, there's just so much. I'm exhausted.

And when Dave steps in and he takes that backpack off, I can do it. But, man, when he's there with me, I feel so much better.

Speaker 3

And we're called to do it, but here's my question. Brent. The first time I think I ever heard a clear vision for manhood, I was 22 years old, which is way too late.

We were at the Family Life Weekend to Remember, a marriage weekend getaway that we still do. We now speak for it. But we were engaged and going to get married in two weeks. We sort of went because we were told, "Hey, if you're gonna get married, you gotta go to this marriage conference." Okay?

So, we go, and we're sitting there with a thousand couples at this big conference, and Dennis Rainey, the founder and president of Family Life, was speaking. There was a session on Sunday morning that we still do today, where we challenge the men to be husbands and dads and then challenge the women.

It was the first time I'd ever heard words like, "God calls you to lead like the Savior," which is to lead like a servant, and "love like the Savior." Those are the two phrases.

Speaker 2

You can remember that from 40 years ago.

Speaker 3

I mean, we've taught it same manual. I mean, it's a little nuanced now, but, you know, husbands love your wives as Christ loved the church. Ephesians 5. And so he's teaching what that looked like.

All I know is I'm 22. We're gonna get married in two weeks. I was like, wow, that's what I'm supposed to be. That's who. I never saw it. I had no vision of what it was. There it was.

All I know is on our honeymoon two weeks later, I am so overwhelmed by that responsibility, it almost put me under. It's like, how am I going to love her like Jesus? How am I going to lead her? She needs somebody to lead, remember?

Speaker 2

And I imagine he started crying, like, that night. He was sobbing. This is our second night of being married.

Speaker 3

She's like, I haven't seen him do that.

Speaker 2

So I'm thinking, what? Like, what's wrong?

Speaker 3

And what it was, I think, is I was so overwhelmed with, yes, that's the vision I don't have. I can't reach that vision.

Do you ever sense that where men are like, okay, now I'm supposed to be the keeper of the garden, but I don't know if I have what it takes to be that guy?

Speaker 1

Well, yeah, that's why, since it doesn't take that long to flesh out the keeper of the garden idea, what that looks like, I shift into in the book six decisions that'll help you do that, essentially.

So to give a little more flesh on the how this is going to work in our modern lives.

And I hope that's helpful. I think it is.

Speaker 2

I think it is to talk about.

Speaker 1

What that looks like because a lot of times it does just become this burden for guys or another guilt trip or another finger wagging thing like you oughta, you should, you're not doing. You guys, you need something better than that. A vision that you can actually do and something that's profound. So that's the goal with that.

I know for some guys, especially if you didn't get a good role model. I mean, I grew up single mom too, and dysfunctional stuff. So having somebody come alongside and say, this is what this looks like and you can do this, I believe in you, you can do this. I think that's so important.

Speaker 3

That's key. And here's what I want to say.

Two things. Number one, you're coming to Michigan to put up shutters on our house and probably our entire neighborhood. Yeah, we know.

And number two, we're going to talk about the six decisions tomorrow. Can you do that? We'll just throw them out and you riff on them.

Speaker 1

Yeah, let's do it.

Speaker 3

I'm not kidding, Brent. You're coming to do shutters at our house.

Speaker 2

I don't know why you would need shutters, Brant, but you are more than welcome to come to our house.

What we really want is for our listeners to have your book. So, if you want a copy of Brandt's book, you can send a donation to Family Life for any amount, and we will send you his book.

Speaker 3

Just go to familylifetoday.com; you can make your donation there or give us a call at 1-800-358-6329.

That's 800F, as in family, L as in life, and the word today.

We would seriously love for you to donate to Family Life, but we'd also love to send you this book.

Speaker 2

And we will send you his book, the young men we need. Family Life today is a donor supported production of Family Life, a crew ministry helping you pursue the relationships that matter most.