FamilyLife Today®

Speaker 1

Parents are the number one shepherding influence of our children. It is, of course, church and Christian schools or Christian camps. Those are all good. In church especially. We want them in church.

And yet I think so often parents delegate their spiritual teaching of their children to the church, to the youth leaders.

Speaker 2

Welcome to Family Life Today where we want to help you pursue the relationships that matter most. I'm Dave Wilson.

Speaker 3

And I'm Ann Wilson. And you can find us@familylifetoday.com this is Family Life Today.

Speaker 2

Do you think most parents of younger kids are afraid of the coming teen years?

Speaker 3

Yes, yes and yes. I think they're petrified.

Speaker 2

Yeah.

Speaker 3

Especially in a culture today where there's so much social media, there's so much change going on digitally, and I think that creates this fear and anxiety and even the stats of depression and anxiety.

I think they're scared to death. Do you think they are?

Speaker 2

Oh, yeah. That's why I ask you. And I think we got an expert that's gonna. She's already shaking her head.

Kristin Hatton is sitting across the studio. Family Life today. So why are you shaking your head?

I mean, we're gonna talk about you. You've written and thought about this for a long time, and you've already gone through the teen years with your kids, right?

Speaker 1

That's right.

Speaker 2

But why do you shake your head and say, oh, yeah, this is a fear for parents?

Speaker 1

Because I see them in my counseling office every week. They're terrified. And I feel like it's only increasing.

In fact, I see a difference between the time my oldest, who's now 26, and my youngest is 21. I saw a difference in that age.

And now I see a significant difference in the young moms that I work with in counseling or in church.

Speaker 3

Meaning more of a difference in their fear.

Speaker 1

Yes. It's just so heightened.

And I think, in part, there's so much information coming at us all the time and the standard of what we think we have to measure up to, and we just feel terrified that how are we going to do it?

How are we going to teach our kids everything they need to know? How are we going to keep them safe?

And so a lot of it has to do with just our own. We want to control and we know that we can't control.

Speaker 3

It's terrifying.

Speaker 1

It's terrifying.

Speaker 3

And it's so interesting, Kristin, because we have seven. So if I'm with the grandkids for the day on my phone, I'll start getting all these, like, little Instagram posts on how to parent.

And I'm thinking, like, I was just there for a day. I'm overwhelmed. But some of it's good. Some of it's like, is that right?

And so I can't imagine what these young moms are experiencing. And you kind of started this by writing a blog.

Speaker 1

I did.

Speaker 3

Back in the day.

Speaker 1

That's right. Okay. So at that time, I had one in college, one in high school, and one in middle school.

And so I was seeing parents on one end just throwing up their hands and saying, "teens will be teens." They were just kind of giving up and becoming very permissive.

On the other end, I was seeing, with my youngest, a lot of his friends were firstborn. These were parents just entering the teen years, and they were terrified.

I just thought, well, neither of these ends of the spectrum are the way to live. What does it look like to live and trust God with our kids and to view it as an opportunity of shepherding their hearts?

Knowing that we are going to encounter trials and hard things, how do we move into that space and trust that God is working good?

Speaker 2

All right, you gotta tell us. What does it look like?

Speaker 3

Well, wait, she writes this blog and you had a lot of feedback.

Speaker 1

I did. On the blog post. Yes, I did. And so I kind of tucked it away that, like, I want to do something more with this, which is what led to Parenting Ahead, but years later.

And I'm so glad in the timing of it because by the time I wrote it, I was an empty nester. And so I had gained a lot more just experience in the. So I felt like I could speak to it a little bit.

Speaker 2

I mean, I love the title Parenting Ahead because you're talking, let's do it now before they're teenagers.

Speaker 1

Yes.

Speaker 2

I mean, it's preparing now for the teen years. And you mentioned you sit with parents now. Are they often before the teen years or is it like they come in when they're frantic in the teen years?

Speaker 1

Both. So I see a lot of moms of all age kids, and so some, yes, have teenagers, college students, and they are terrified.

And I see the moms of littles that are just trying to figure out, like, sleep schedules and being a new mom and having their parents as grandparents and in-laws.

And so the topics are never-ending with what they have to be afraid of.

Speaker 3

So how are you helping? Like, when you wrote the book, you're probably thinking, these are the things I'm seeing the most, and these are the topics that need to be Addressed.

Speaker 1

Yes. And I'm really convinced that parenting starts with the heart of the parent.

And so I want parents to stop and evaluate what is going on in your own heart, what is leading you, whether it's fear or trying to control.

Like, what is it that we are believing or not believing?

And we need to start with our own hearts so that we can best shepherd ourselves.

Speaker 3

How do we do that? What's that look like, dealing with our own hearts?

Speaker 1

Yeah, it looks like, what are our motives? What are our desires? Why did I lose my patience and evaluate so often?

We are just so reactive, and we're so busy. We never slow down to really take the time to think about what drove me to do that or why do I care so much about xyz?

Speaker 3

Give us an example of that.

Speaker 1

So why did I get so upset that my child didn't make whatever she tried out for? Of course we can feel disappointed, like that is an invalid emotion. But when all of a sudden, we go trying to control things or we are just crushed, is it because that's our identity? Like, we think that now our child is never gonna go on to do whatever she needed to make that position for to succeed, so success can become an idol.

But I think parents all the time, like, we so desperately want to be a good parent. Our intentions are well-meaning, and yet all of a sudden, we've put our children on pedestals and we are just expecting that they have to succeed at everything. Their performance is everything.

And so then we go in and start controlling, nagging, and demanding, doing crazy things. We were talking off air about just the football culture, like what parents are doing with their kids in sports, nagging the coaches, and just trying. They want their child to be the star. Like that's their ticket, so they think, yeah.

Speaker 2

I mean, I mentioned before, you know, I was a high school football coach in Michigan for 12 years, and I saw that every week with parents. It was so interesting; they couldn't be objective. I had one guy tell me that his son should be the quarterback, and he was our starting center. He was a really good starting center, and he says, "But he's a quarterback." I'm like, "No, he's actually not. I mean, he's great. He's really important to our team. He's thriving."

Nope, he's a quarterback. He's been to this camp and this camp, and they all say he's a quarterback. I literally looked at this guy and I said, "Well, I don't think they're telling you the truth. I think they were taking your money." And you know what he did? He quit. He quit the team and gave up all sports for high school because he just thought.

And I thought, how often do parents do that? If my son isn't the guy or my daughter's not the guy, they remove them rather than let them grow through that adversity. You're right, and you're right about that. So is it better to stand back and say, okay, this may look like a terrible thing, but it may end up developing their character? They may be better as an adult because they didn't start or didn't make the team.

Speaker 1

That's right. And yet we short circuit these opportunities of growth for our children and learning to be resilient and being able to experience disappointment.

I mean, our children are so buffered from all disappointment because we try to just take care of it ourselves.

Speaker 2

Now, what's at the heart that does that?

Speaker 3

Right?

Speaker 2

You know, you're talking about looking at the heart. What's going on in us when we.

Speaker 1

Do that one is success as an idol. We want peace. We want happiness. I would say. I mean, in research, I think even confirms this. What parents want most for their children is happiness and success. And I want those for my kids, too. But I know that in this world, we are not always going to be happy. And so we have to learn what does it look like when we face trials. Yes, I want you to have happiness, but we need to know that we need Jesus and that he loves us and that that has to be our foundation.

So back to the foundation of the book that I want for parents way before the teen years is let's be proactive in thinking about what is it we want most for our kids. Well, I wanted my kids to know the love of Jesus and to love him. So that became our just baseline foundation for how we were going to parent. And then there's lots of other things along the way related to family time and values.

I wanted them to understand their own hearts. So we're talking about parents. How can I help my children know their hearts if I'm not in tune to my own heart? I feel like the term idolatry refers to anything apart from God that rules us in the moment. Even as believers, any given thing, even good things, can be our functional savior.

So my marriage, my children, my success, my performance—any of these things can become what rules me and what I demand. I think I so like with our kids their success or their happiness. If that is our ruling idol, then we will do everything to try to ensure that.

Speaker 3

I'm telling you, this is the thing. Idols. I can remember this thought came up of our children being idols, like, scoffing, my kids aren't idols.

And then I remember this is years ago where they said, what do you worry about the most? Oh, my children. My children is what I worry about the most.

And the more I started thinking about it, I thought I think about them more than anything. Not that that's bad, but when I'm worrying and I'm tweaking and I'm trying to fix and maneuver and manipulate situations so that they're not sad or hurt or forgotten, disappointed even, that's an idol.

Speaker 1

It is.

Speaker 3

I think that's just a good question to ask us as parents. Like, what do you worry about the most?

Kristin, when we're worrying, like, let's say, I realize, oh, well, yeah, I'm constantly doing that. We had a son that wasn't starting on the football team. We would lay in bed talking about that and praying about it. These coaches are mean. Some coaches are mean. Man, we spent so much time thinking and worrying about that, and now we look back and think that's one of the best things that happened to him.

But let's say a parent realizes, okay, maybe. Maybe that is an idol. Now what do we do with that?

Speaker 1

We confess, and that turns us to God. Lord, help me. Because in ourselves, we can't. Like, that is our bent. Like, we worry. We want to try to control when we recognize what's happening in our heart. I see more of my need for Jesus. For me, personally, just throughout, especially the teenage years, but just parenting in general. God has constantly revealed to me my idols and has turned me more and more to him.

So I live a little bit more dependent on him than I did. And I think that's just growing in grace, the journey of sanctification. Little by little, we depend on him because we see that we can't. So we confess it. And we're gonna have to confess it again, because tomorrow or next week, that same idol or a different idol is gonna pop back up.

But when I recognize it, I turn back to Jesus and I say, "Lord, Lord, please help me. Help me to trust you. I believe. But help me in my unbelief. Help me trust that you have a good story for me." And I can't see why it's good that they aren't playing in their sport or why they didn't make this team or get the election or why they were being left out from this group of friends. I don't understand that.

But Lord, I know that you love them. So we constantly have to reorient ourselves back to the promises of God with this son.

Speaker 2

It was really interesting because, like Ann said, we would lay in bed at night and I wasn't coaching yet at that high school. I actually started the next year. So I'm watching. And I was a college quarterback, so I understand the game and, you know, I'm watching. This is our number one son. We have two more to follow, you know, and he's really not getting to play much. He's had every practice, he's working.

We'd be like, you know, and every parent has this discussion. Should I say something to the coach? You know, it seems like he's as good as the other kids, but maybe we're not, you know, and I'm like, I'm a football guy. I know if he can play or not. We decided, no, we're not going to say something to the coach. We're going to trust God, we're going to trust the coach.

It was really interesting. Senior year, they're winning and winning and doing really well. One of his buddies is not getting playing time, and he and his dad go in and have an all-out argument with the coach, and he quits. The kid left the team. Our son kept doing everything, and by the seventh week, eighth week, he's now starting to play more and more. They win the state championship. The school's never won.

Speaker 3

So our son started playing more and more.

Speaker 2

Yeah, I mean, C.J. got to play more and more and they won a state championship and it was awesome. I mean, it's not Texas high school football like where you're living, but it was incredible. And, you know, it was interesting to see that dad and his son, they missed out, they missed out on that.

And so the coolest thing was I have a men's group with these guys I've been with 20, 30 years. We meet once a month, and I asked C.J. to come after the season. I said, "We want you to come to our men's night before, Dad. I just would like you to come be a part of this night."

So they came, and we had dinner, and then we went down to the basement. We said, "C.J., we want to present you with an award for your tenacity and your perseverance of sticking with football for the last three years, even when you weren't the starter." One of my buddies was the all-time leading scorer in Iowa football history, and he has this big Iowa award.

Speaker 3

He had several.

Speaker 2

He had two trophies that were the same trophy, a big gold football. And he gave it to me and we took off the thing. It said something about kicking. He was a kicker.

And we put on "never give up" trophy. And we awarded CJ that night and just prayed over him, and it was such a beautiful moment.

I was so glad he didn't quit. We didn't go in as parents and rescue and try and, you know, we just trusted God, and it's really a.

Speaker 3

Cool moment and it really did build his character.

Speaker 1

That's what I was just thinking, I'm sure now as a man, just what that perseverance, what.

Speaker 2

That's an amazing man. And he doesn't quit at anything.

Speaker 3

Right.

Speaker 2

And part of it was that, you know, when you think about what matters as a parent, that trophy of a never give up trophy compared to an MVP trophy, most valuable player, which is awesome.

Our last son was the MVP, so we've seen both sides.

And yet that's what we're trying to do as parents. Right?

Speaker 3

But let me add this. We're talking sports right now. Some parents are saying my child is questioning their sexuality.

Like, this feels like a bigger thing than if they made the team or if they're starting.

How do I not worry about that? And what do I do with that?

Speaker 1

Yeah. And as a counselor, I hear that, so I know. And I wish that there was an answer. And that's the thing in all of parenting. There is no formula and there is no guarantee we can do everything right, so to speak, by the books. And yet still our child could struggle with their sexual identity. And that's heartbreaking.

It's hard even in that to know, lord, I trust you. Help me again with my unbelief. Because I don't understand this. I mean, the answer is always back to Jesus, because we can't do anything. Often in counseling, I draw a circle of control. So it's like an outer circle and then an inner circle. And we're in that inner circle. And so this is what I can control within this inner circle.

I'll have people list out, like, what can you control? And then all these things are outside of our control. And so we recognize real clearly—I'm a very visual person—that like, there's very little in this I can control. And yet God is. I mean, he made all things, he's in control of all things. We don't understand all things.

And he's big enough for us to be mad at him and to question him. We know from the Psalms that we can go to him with all of our emotions, and yet he is our resource. We have to go back to him. Lord, help me to trust you in this journey. And it may be long and it may be hard.

And then what does it look like to love my child in this, in their struggle?

Speaker 3

Is there anything we can do as preteens, any things we can be talking about as a family of what's going on culturally in the world and what the Bible has to say?

Speaker 1

Yes, and I think that that's a very important thing that we must be talking about as early as possible. We parents are the number one shepherding influence of our children.

It is, of course, church and Christian schools or Christian camps. Those are all good in church especially. We want them in church.

And yet, I think so often parents delegate their spiritual teaching of their children to the church, to the youth leaders.

Speaker 3

Thinking like, oh, they're covering all that.

Speaker 1

Exactly. But we have to. And so, especially in today's culture, I feel like at an early age, we need to start talking to them about God's design for sexuality and for marriage.

Starting when they're little, we can begin with just the bare bones, the birds and the bees. I don't know if y'all are familiar with them, but they are great about just saying, "drip, drip, drip." We just start with, say what the...

Speaker 3

Birds and the bees do.

Speaker 1

Birds and the Bees is a ministry that helps parents talk to their children about sexual development, puberty, marriage, and pornography. The goal is to assist children from a young age in understanding that God created male and female and what that means. As they grow older, we build upon this foundational knowledge, as children tend to ask certain questions when they are young. It is important to start these conversations as early as possible.

If you're listening right now and you haven't begun these discussions, I always say it's never too late. While it may be harder, it's never too late to go back. I would encourage you to be honest and say, "You know, Mommy and Daddy should have started talking to you about this a long time ago." However, we must not let our past failure to address these topics prevent us from starting now. We can approach these conversations differently moving forward.

There is always a pathway to change course. We want to help our children understand God's design in general, including creation, the fall, and restoration. This understanding will help them develop a gospel lens through which they can view all of life. I remember having this realization while at the eye doctor. The doctor was showing me different letters and asking which ones I could see better—1 or 2? 2 or 1? If you've been to the eye doctor, you know the drill.

This experience made me think about how we can either wear the glasses of the gospel lens to see all of life clearly, or we can have a blurry vision. With culture constantly influencing us, it is easy to adopt a worldview that aligns with cultural norms rather than God's design. Therefore, we need to help our children build a strong foundation early on so that when challenges arise, they can filter their experiences through this gospel lens.

Speaker 2

What role would you say other parents have? Like community? Do you do much with. I'm not just parenting my son or daughter by myself. I have a village.

Speaker 1

I agree, it does take a village. One thing I loved was that my children grew up in a smaller church plant. Intergenerational relationships were natural because we were a smaller body.

It's funny because a lot of people thought that moving to a huge church for a big youth group was the best option. That was a grievance for me early on because I worried that my kids wouldn't have a youth group of their own. They could go to other churches, and they did. However, I see how God actually used our small little church for their good. They built relationships with people much older and much younger, and that community was such a grace in my children's lives.

When they went to college, they found a church and didn't hesitate to meet adults. So, yes, I think having other people speaking into our kids' lives is super important. Whether that's small group leaders, other parents coming together, or youth leaders, it all plays a significant role.

Speaker 2

Yeah, I think, I mean, it sounds like your kids have turned out pretty good. The way you talk about them is like, we feel like we did a pretty good job.

And every parent listening is going, I want my kids to turn out like that. What would you say is like, most important of what you did?

And again, I'm not saying your kids are perfect at all.

Speaker 1

Yeah, they are not.

Speaker 2

You know, but if you think back, like, you know, what were the things we did right? What were the things that we did wrong? Of course you.

Speaker 3

And there's no guarantee.

Speaker 1

As you said, there's no guarantee. And they had their struggles. So I'll preface with that. We definitely have had our share of trials.

I think that in part, that is why they are where they are now. They have struggled and they have seen and learned for themselves. God's promises are true.

I think had we shielded them from all adversity, they wouldn't have learned some of those things for themselves. So I think that that was foundational, actually, that they went through trials instead of us trying to protect them or rescue them.

Speaker 2

Can you tell us one?

Speaker 1

Sure. So my daughter dealt with an eating disorder, and one of my sons struggled with perfectionism. That just came out as a lot of anxiety and some depression, and some of that early on we didn't know.

It was difficult walking through those things with them, and the journeys were pretty long. And yet I learned in that I can't control. I cannot rescue. This is their story. It's our story, and yet it's their story.

Speaker 3

And it's difficult as a parent not to beat yourself up. I have found that as parenting adult kids, I can go back and blame myself, like, oh, what did I do wrong? And it does no good.

Speaker 1

It does no good. No. And you're right, because I did. How didn't I catch this? Or what could I have done differently? So we didn't struggle with this. But I will say that we want our kids to be happy and successful, but overall, we wanted them to know Jesus. And so that was something that was always present. I always said to them, this is not just because your dad is a pastor that we are going to church or that we are talking about these things.

Redemptive living is something I talk a lot about, and that is just a normal pattern in our household. It should be confession, repentance, forgiveness, and grace. Parents have to go first. So often, I have teenagers in my counseling room that say they've never heard their parents say, "I'm sorry." They see, especially as they're teenagers, that their parents are not perfect. Now they're bitter and resentful, and they see them as hypocrites because they're not perfect, yet they are on these teenagers for doing things wrong.

I would say that saying "I'm sorry" when we see that we have wronged, whether that's an idol or we've lost our patience with our child, is crucial. We need to go to them and say, "Please forgive me." I mean, this was me. I was always ruled by my agenda, getting things done. I'm a great multitasker. There were many times that I was just doing my thing and was dismissive of my children or impatient because they were interrupting me from what I was trying to do. I had to go back and say, "I am so sorry."

Speaker 3

I'm still doing that. I just did it last week with adult children.

Hey, guys, you know how you'll put your head on the pillow and then when you're quiet enough that the Holy Spirit can kind of whisper? Not in a condemning way, because there's a difference between condemnation and conviction. The condemnation is not from God, but it's just that Holy Spirit conviction of like, maybe I shouldn't have said that.

So then I get my phone out and I text them in the morning, "Hey, guys, I'm really sorry. I hope you can forgive me."

What are you laughing about over there?

Speaker 2

I've seen you do that many times. And me too, which is great. Adults, men and women now, you know, and it's really needed. You're right. That cycle of forgiveness, confession, repentance, forgiveness, and what? Grace.

Speaker 1

Grace, grace. Always grace.

Speaker 3

This has been fun. And tomorrow I'd love to get into your parenting pitfalls because you have a whole section that you talk about that and I think every parent will lean in like, oh, I need to know what those are.

Speaker 1

Sounds good.

Speaker 2

Yeah. And let me just say, if you give a gift, a financial gift to Family Life, we'll send you the this book.

Speaker 3

Any amount.

Speaker 2

Yeah, any amount. Just go to familylifetoday.com and you can make your gift there. And we will send you. Pairing it ahead. Preparing now for seniors. And trust me, it's really good. You're really gonna.

Speaker 3

And I really like the questions after each chapter too.

Speaker 1

That's amazing. Thank you.

Speaker 2

And again, if you're not a Internet guy and you want to make a phone call, you can call us at 1-800-358-6329. That's 800F as in family or football. L is in life and the word today.

Speaker 3

If you need more on this or any kind of parent help, you can get more at familylife.com parentinghelp. Family Life Today is a donor supported production of Family Life accrue ministry helping you pursue the relationships that matter most.