FamilyLife Today®

Speaker 1

Yes, you can love them and you always want to treat them equitably, but there is less tolerance for a child that's not your biological child. It's harder to offer grace. You're quicker to correct behavior, and it just doesn't come natural.

But that doesn't mean that we can't be intentional and really recognize that. And especially if we have bio and step kids in the same home, be very careful that we're treating them the same.

Speaker 2

Welcome to Family Life Today, where we want to help you pursue the relationships that matter most. I'm Ann Wilson.

Speaker 3

And I'm Dave Wilson. And you can find us@familylife today.com. this is Family life Today.

Speaker 2

So what is a myth or caricature about husbands and wives or dads and moms that have haunted you in some way? Have you felt like that?

Speaker 3

You know, you know what it is?

Speaker 2

No, I don't.

Speaker 3

I think for me, I'd love to hear yours.

Mine is that you will be just like your dad. The sins of the father are unstoppable.

And whatever, you know, sort of generational curses in your family, you're going to continue it. It's going to be really, really hard to stop it.

Speaker 2

Interesting. Well, today we're listening to a portion of.

Speaker 3

You're not going to respond to that.

Speaker 2

Mine is that women have no voice and women are to be a doormat. How's that one?

Speaker 3

Wow, that just opened up a whole nother podcast. Maybe we'll have Ron Deal counsel.

Speaker 2

I know this is going to help today because we're going to listen to just a portion of the Family Life blended podcast.

But keep listening even if you're not a blended family because you're going to learn something that can help a friend or a pastor or maybe you.

Speaker 3

Ron Deal is the host of our blended family podcast. You already know that, but some of you might not know that. So you need to know.

He's a conference speaker, bestselling author of multiple books, and his latest book, *The Mindful Marriage*, which is awesome. He also serves as the senior director of our blended family ministry.

In episode 141, Ron and Gala Grace were talking about the mythology of stepfamilies.

Speaker 2

And Gala is also on our team here at Family Life. She is a step family author and speaker.

Additionally, she hosts our monthly Women and Blended Families, which is amazing. It's a live stream that's broadcast on the Family Life blended social media channels and YouTube.

Speaker 3

So here's Ron and Gala.

Speaker 4

Did you know there's always a little bit of Truth to the myth.

Speaker 1

I know it's hard to think about that because some of the myths seem so outlandish, but if you really kind of dig in, you can see there is a truth to it.

Speaker 4

There's always a little truth. But it's the non-truth that gets us into trouble, I think, with myths. So we're going to be unpacking that today.

But before we do that, did you know that we have the Brothers Grimm to thank for a lot of the myths that we have about stepfamilies?

Speaker 1

The Brothers Grimm.

Speaker 4

Do you know who I'm talking about?

Speaker 1

No. Have no clue.

Speaker 4

Well, so here's your history lesson for the day.

Speaker 1

Oh, history.

Speaker 4

The original version of Cinderella.

Speaker 1

Okay.

Speaker 4

She did not have a wicked stepmother. She had a wicked mother.

Same thing's true with Snow White. All those fairy tale stories where there's somebody in the narrative who is a horrible, evil person were originally written not as step people, but as biological parents or family members.

Speaker 1

Wow.

Speaker 4

And society wouldn't accept them. Nobody passed them on. Nobody. They didn't take root. There was nothing viral, we would say today about those stories.

And then the Brothers Grimm came along and they rewrote the stories with a wicked stepmother, and the rest is history.

Speaker 1

Oh, my goodness. No. I did not know that.

Speaker 4

We have them to thank for much of the negativity that people still tried to run away from and outlive today.

But in that, it's interesting that people would not accept the idea of a horrible mother that would mistreat one daughter over her other daughters. They just didn't think that, you know, would happen very much. They couldn't hold on to that.

But as soon as you say, oh, no, it was a stepmother, then they could conceive it. Then they could go, oh, yeah, that could happen.

Speaker 1

That's kind of disappointing to me.

Speaker 4

I was going to say, how do you feel about that?

Speaker 1

Not good at all. I'm a step mom. I mean, really.

Speaker 4

I know it.

Speaker 1

Wow.

Speaker 4

It's horrible. But it also says something about the power of literature and society and rumor and what catches on and what people can imagine being true and not true.

And so here we are today, gonna talk about some myths of stepfamilies.

And the number one myth on our list is all stepmothers are wicked and all stepfathers are abusive. And we have the Brothers Grimm directly to thank for that.

Speaker 1

You know, it's that word. All we do know that it can happen. I mean, if you read the news, you hear stories, particularly of abusive stepfathers. I mean, I've seen news accounts of that. So, obviously, it does go on some.

Speaker 4

And that is the truth. In the midst of this little myth, there is a little bit of truth to it. There's enough that's true that you see it in the headlines.

But what is not true is what you and I both know, and that is after working with a lot of blended families through our collective careers, we know stepparents are often hardworking, deeply loving, very sacrificial, and want good things for their stepchildren.

Speaker 1

You know, I think about the sisterhood of stepmoms that I worked in for years and came in contact with so many stepmoms. They wanted to love their stepchildren.

They were trying to learn more about how to play this role and how to be the best stepmom they can be. They certainly had no intentions of being evil.

Speaker 5

Exactly.

Speaker 4

Now, here's another side to this, because that stereotype is out there. There's a lot of stepparents who are trying to outlive it or escape it, I should say, from day one.

And here's the irony, I think, Kayla: if you have a little paranoia about you and you don't want to be called the evil stepmom or wicked stepmother or the abusive stepfather, it's sort of like you're trying to outrun that shadow even when it isn't cast upon you yet.

So you start working really, really hard to be super sweet, or to be.

Speaker 1

Super stepmom is what we call it.

Speaker 4

Okay, all right. So there you go. So you're trying to be this thing so the kids don't think of you in a negative light.

And the irony is, sometimes you're working so hard, you're impatient, your expectations are so high, you want so many good things to happen that all of a sudden, your eagerness pushes them away, making you a super stepmom.

And they're like, whoa, whoa, whoa, back up.

Speaker 1

I'm not ready for that.

Speaker 4

And so then all of a sudden, you just became wicked. I mean, if that's not ironic, I don't know what is. And so sometimes trying to outlive something you're paranoid about can actually be your downfall.

Speaker 1

Yeah, you're trying too hard, and the step kids are not ready for that. And so it just pushes them away when instead we just have to back up.

Some of it has to do with our expectations. We need to be careful that we haven't set our expectations so high that we can never achieve them, and we're just chasing our tail, trying to make this happen at the end of.

Speaker 4

The Day, you're trying to build trustworthiness with your stepchildren, and you know them trusting you as a person who cares for them and loves them and is decent and kind, and that's the stuff that's going to win you a good warm fuzzy with the kids.

Speaker 1

Right. But it's probably going to take you longer than you want in order to build that trustworthiness. And we live in this instant society that we think everything should happen fast. And step relationships, it doesn't happen.

Speaker 4

So you just walked right into myth number two. I'll read this one, too. Step parents are instantly parents, and the family is once again made whole by their presence.

Speaker 1

Yeah. And you know what I think goes along with that is step families can behave the same way as biological families, that basically they can act the same. And they cannot. They cannot.

Speaker 4

They can't. There is a little truth to it for some. Often with really young children, you can become an instant parent in the life of a child. Those are more the exception than they are the rule. So there's a little bit of truth to this.

And every once in a while, you and I will have somebody come up to us at an event or say something. But I came in and the kids were great. We haven't had any problems. And I say, count your blessings.

Speaker 1

Right.

Speaker 4

That's not most people's experience.

Speaker 1

Yeah.

And also, it's more likely to happen in the case of a stepdad and the kids, as opposed to a stepmom, especially a stepmom and stepdaughter.

You can almost predict there's this loyalty to a biological mom that a daughter’s more likely to have. So that stepmom relationship's a little more tenuous.

Speaker 4

One of the dangers of coming in and trying to be the parent instantly is that it sends a message. Whether you intend it or not, that sends an erase and replace message to the stepchildren. That message sort of breaks down to this: hey, look, I'm your new mom, the new sheriff in town, and I'm going to act like that and claim all of the rights and responsibilities that go along with that. And you're supposed to love me and receive me as such.

So essentially, I've just erased your biological mother and I've replaced her. Now, that message, as we've talked about before on this podcast, bows children's backs. It kind of makes them go, whoa, whoa, wait a minute. My loyalty is to mom. And so now you're not trustworthy, and you inadvertently just shot yourself in the foot. That's what happens there.

Speaker 1

Yeah.

Speaker 4

So buying into this myth just sets you up to do things that actually make a little bit harder for you rather than better.

Speaker 3

So that's some really good stuff as you're listening to Family Life today. And we're listening to a portion of the Family Life Blended podcast with Ron Deal and Gayla Grace.

Speaker 2

And just last month, both Ron and Gala contributed to Family Life's annual live stream called Blended and Blessed. And you can get an all access digital pass to watch that online if you'd like. And you should do that because it's so good.

Speaker 3

And this fall, Ronstein puts on the Summit on Step Family, which equips church leaders to understand and minister to blended families. So be sure to check out in our show notes to learn how you can be part of that in person training event.

Speaker 2

So let's go back to listen more to Ron and Gayla's conversation about step parenting myths.

Speaker 4

Here's another myth. If you call them my children, then they will like being your children. They will feel that same, oh, well, you're my mom or you're my dad. That becomes a two-way street.

I often find this is very much rooted in a loving heart, in a stepparent. Like they are really moving towards a child and have good intentions, and the hope is that they'll receive you the same way you're trying to receive them, and your family will be this coherent, harmonious family.

Of course. Is there any truth to this? Well, yeah, a little bit. At least they know who you are. And you saying you're my kids communicates that strong desire for them. I think children want to know if you want them in your life.

Speaker 1

Yeah. It's kind of like a sense of belonging for them.

Speaker 4

Right. So it's good for you to say, look, I am so glad you are in my life and my family. I love getting to know you. I want to get to know you better.

I know we're figuring this space out, but you guys are important to me. Say that even if they look at you like, I don't want anything to do with you.

Say that because it's in their psyche now. It's in their heart. This person cares about me even if I don't know what to do with them.

Speaker 1

Right. And also what I want to say is I see this on social media a lot where somebody is posting and maybe putting pictures and oh, I'm so proud of my child, blah, blah, blah. Well, if it's your stepchild, you just have to be careful because if the biological mom sees that, then it kind of throws up a spark. And we don't need that in these step relationships.

So I do think that as a family goes further down the line. So, for instance, we've been married 28 years now. My stepdaughter was just in town this weekend, so she came in because my biological daughter is having a baby. We did a baby shower this weekend and she came from Dallas to be part of it.

Okay. I, at some point a few years ago, said to her, you know, you've been in our life a long time. You feel like a daughter to me. Can I call you my daughter? And she was great with that. And so sometimes if we feel like that relationship was developing, then I still think it's helpful to ask, though, and make sure that they're not going to be offended.

And somebody, we were out in public and somebody said, is this your daughter? I didn't correct them and say, this is my stepdaughter. I think that would have been offensive at that point.

Speaker 4

I agree.

Speaker 1

So it is so not black and white. And I think that's what we're trying to say. Every family evolves differently.

We want to ask for God's help as we begin to do some of these different things, you know, feeling like she's more of a daughter as we go along.

But what we're saying here is it's not black and white. Every family is different. And families do evolve.

Speaker 5

To the listener, viewer, this is gold.

Speaker 4

Because there's a principle embedded in what gayless just shared that applies to other things as well. So let me get at that.

The principle is the right answer of what you call each other, how you refer to one another, whether in person or talking about them, you know, when they're not in your presence.

The right answer is the answer you've co-created, right?

Speaker 1

Together, together.

Speaker 4

So you had a conversation with your stepdaughter, hey, how does this feel to you? I want to just point out that this is years into your family journey. You're going to have this conversation multiple times. On day one, the conversation will be about what you will call each other, and that's how you'll start. As time moves on and the relationship grows and develops, you will revisit that and co-create together again and again how you're going to do life.

That is a principle that applies to so many different moments in your life when you're not sure how this child or this person is going to react or respond to a particular occasion or moment. Ask, have a conversation, and bring it up. Use your ignorance. By the way, folks, pro tip number one: I do this all the time in my world, my life, my ministry, and my marriage.

Hey, I know it's probably just me, and I'm a little unsure about what to do here. How do you feel about X? You've just brought it up in a very non-confrontational, non-threatening way, and you've invited them to join you in this little moment that you both probably feel the same about.

Again, co-create how you're going to respond to this situation. That makes it the right answer—not that you push your thoughts or their thoughts, or that somebody wins and somebody loses. No, you co-create; you come together in a mutually respectful posture that goes so far.

Speaker 1

Yeah. And it's our responsibility as adults to do that. We can't expect, yes, probably the child is feeling the same confusion, but we can't expect them to be the ones asking the question. We need to be the ones to do it.

Speaker 4

Okay, got another myth I think we're up to number six.

Speaker 1

Okay.

Speaker 4

You will love your stepchildren the same way you love your biological children.

Speaker 1

You know, this is such a hard one because especially as Christians, we think we should, we should be able to love our stepchild the same. But you really don't. And I think yes, you can love them and you always want to treat them equitably, but there is less tolerance for a child that's not your biological child.

It's harder to offer grace, you're quicker to correct behavior and it just doesn't come natural. But that doesn't mean that we can't be intentional and really recognize that.

And especially if we have bio and step kids in the same home, be very careful that we're treating them the same.

Speaker 4

Yeah, yeah, this is a tough one. I find people get defensive and argumentative sometimes with us about them, like, but I do love them all the same.

And of course you do. And again, there's enough truth to this that there's an affection in your heart and you grow. They grow more important to you over time.

Speaker 1

Exactly.

Speaker 4

You grow more important to them over time. Same thing's happening. And yet here's the thing that I've often witnessed. If a family comes apart, God forbid, by death, by divorce, if a blended family comes apart, what is really natural is for people to pull back into the biological relationships and those are the ones that they retain.

And the step relationships often drift. They go away because the motivation, the affection, the connection is just not the same. So that's not to say there's anything wrong here. That's the whole point. People feel guilty.

Speaker 1

Oh, yes.

Speaker 4

As if they're doing something wrong because they don't have that natural bond. Well.

Speaker 1

And it goes back to the first myth of now. We're evil.

Speaker 4

Yeah.

Speaker 1

Because we can't.

Speaker 5

There you go.

Speaker 1

Yeah.

Speaker 4

And you're feeling horrible about it. And what we're trying to say is, look. No, I don't think that's the case. I mean, you can love nieces and nephews.

Speaker 1

Yes, you can.

Speaker 4

And you can have a great affection for them. Some people are with their nieces and nephews frequently, to the point where you're almost like one of their parents.

But there are some cases, and like, in my family, we live so far apart. I don't have that kind of deep, intimate bond or working knowledge of life with my nieces and nephews because we just don't get to see each other very much.

Now, do I love them? Absolutely. Have I been parental with them a time or two? Yes. I think I have stepped into that role, where Uncle Ron's got something to share with you.

But I gauge that I'm very careful. Is this really an open door for me? There are totally different sets of questions because I'm not their parent, and the affection's different and the connection's different. That's what we're saying here.

Speaker 1

Yeah. And we're also saying, in time, you can grow to love a stepchild almost just exactly as you love your biological kids. But in the beginning, if you're not feeling that, don't feel guilty about it.

Speaker 4

That's right. In the meantime, you use the word equitably.

Speaker 5

Yes.

Speaker 1

Yes.

Speaker 4

Try to be fair.

Speaker 1

Oh, absolutely.

Speaker 4

In how you treat how much money you give out.

Speaker 1

Yes. Because they're watching. They're watching what you're doing with that biological child. And are they getting the same fairness?

Speaker 2

We've been listening to a portion of the Family Life Blended podcast with Ron Deal and Gala Grace, and Ron joins us now in the studio. Welcome, Ron.

Speaker 5

Hey, guys. Always good to be with you.

Speaker 3

Stuff about Brothers Grimm.

Speaker 5

Interesting, isn't it?

Speaker 1

Yeah.

Speaker 3

I mean, tell us more.

Speaker 5

Yeah. So they popularized folklore tales by collecting them and publishing them, but they influenced how the stories were told. By the way, Cinderella, the Frog Prince, Hansel and Gretel, Little Red Riding Hood, Rumpelstiltskin, Sleeping Beauty, Snow White—those are just some of the stories that they gathered that we still tell and see movies about today.

However, in some of those stories, people had a hard time embracing the original versions. For instance, the original version of Snow White featured the queen as her biological mother, who tells the cronies to go out and bring her back and kill her. Nobody could really buy into that. Similarly, in Cinderella, it was her biological mother and biological sisters who were mean to her. People just couldn't really embrace those narratives; they didn't like those stories.

As a result, the Brothers Grimm changed the narratives to feature a stepmother in both of those tales. Suddenly, people were like, "Oh, yeah, that's a story we want to repeat, we want to tell." There’s drama there. Even to this day, people are battling against the idea of being a wicked stepmother or an abusive stepfather, which has put a negative spin on that role.

It's important that we acknowledge these cultural beliefs and the feelings people have about them. Sometimes, individuals feel like they have to outrun these narratives, but if you're not careful, that can work against you. When you try too hard to escape it, you inadvertently show yourself to not be trustworthy.

Speaker 3

Yeah. So are there other myths that you guys didn't even get time to talk about?

Speaker 5

Oh, yeah, there's more in that episode that we didn't get to share here. So we encourage people to go back and listen to the entire thing if they get a chance.

Speaker 2

So, Ron, why are things like this so harmful for a family and especially a step family?

Speaker 5

Well, because they move us away from what's true. You know, really, our journey as believers is to understand God's will for us and how the world works. And that's what scripture teaches. That's what it centers us in.

Listen to 1 Timothy, chapter 4, 7, 9. Do not waste time arguing over godless ideas and old wives' tales. You know, how much time do we? I can't tell you how many conversations I've had with people who say, "I just don't want to be thought of as a wicked stepmother. I just don't want to be. You know, the kids see me as somebody who's horrible to them." We spend a lot of time arguing, if you will, with the idea that we might be something that somebody else penned and coined about us.

Paul goes on, and he says, "But instead, train yourself to be godly. Physical training is good," he says, "but training for godliness is much better, promising benefits both in this life and the life to come." That's a key principle that Nan and I teach in our book, *The Mindful Marriage*. Because as long as we're living out of fear and pain of the past and ideas about us and the lies that have been told about us or even lies we've been telling ourselves, then we're stuck and we're constantly in a reactive mode rather than saying, "Wait a minute, what is true? What does God say is true about me? What do I know to be true about me and who I'm becoming?"

And then I want to train myself to become that person and more and more like that person. I might say to a stepmom, if you want to outlive the old myth about being a wicked stepmother, the best way to do that is to be somebody who's trustworthy, to be somebody who is likable, to be somebody who is honest and sincere and grace-filled. And on and on it goes. Those are the qualities that will build a relationship and disprove the myth.

Speaker 3

You know, it's interesting, Ron. My stepmother was that kind of mother. She was very loving and kind. I couldn't explain it at the time, but I felt like she loved me like her bio son. I never felt any less so. She did a great job of doing.

Speaker 5

Exactly what you said and that softened your heart and moved you toward her.

Speaker 3

So, Ron, tell us what's coming up. Isn't there a summit on stepfamily?

Speaker 4

That's right.

Speaker 5

Our annual in person training for leaders.

Speaker 4

Lay leaders, pastors, anybody who cares about.

Speaker 5

Blended families and wants to know more about how to minister to them. It's coming up this fall and we would love for people to join us. They can go to familylife.com blended to learn all about it.

Speaker 2

Thanks, Ron. It's always great being with you.

Speaker 3

Family Life today is a donor supported production of Family Life, a crew ministry helping you pursue the relationships that matter most.