FamilyLife Today®

Speaker 1

Hey, Shelby Abbott here. Are you tired of the tension and the division that exists in things like your family gatherings and your friend groups and certainly on social media? I know I am.

Well, Psalm 133 tells us that it's good for believers to live in unity with one another, but in today's kind of easily angered and often offended world, that just feels impossible, doesn't it? It feels like wishful thinking.

Well, that's why I'm excited to invite you to join us here at Family Life for a five-week video series from our friend, author, and comedian Amberly Neiss. It's called "Moving Toward Each Other in the Middle of a Divisive World." In it, Amberly just guides us through how to build peace in our natural circles of influence when differing thoughts, opinions, and beliefs threaten to create division.

So you could sign up right now by clicking on the link in the show notes or heading over to familylife.com/findingcommonground. Again, you can download this five-week video series at familylife.com/findingcommonground or just click on the link in the show notes.

All right, let's get into the program.

Speaker 2

We have to be realistic about life in a fallen, broken world where the final flourishing and fullness is yet to come. Loneliness is part of this fallen world.

Someday we won't feel lonely ever again. But here and now, it's gonna be a part of the human experience.

Speaker 1

Welcome to family life Today where we want to help you pursue the relationships that matter most. I'm Shelby Abbott and your hosts are Dave and Ann Wilson. You can find us@familylifetoday.com this is Family life today.

Speaker 3

All right. You didn't know I was going to do this, did you?

Speaker 4

No, I didn't, actually, you know, the.

Speaker 3

Topic we're hitting today reminded me of a song that everybody knows. Well, maybe some of our younger listeners won't know because this was 1968.

One is the loneliest number that you'll ever do. Come on, you're not going to sing.

Two can be as bad as one. It's the loneliest number since the lone number one. You know who that was?

Speaker 4

No, but I remember the song.

Speaker 3

Yes. Three dog Night. You know who that is, Steve?

Speaker 2

I don't know that song. I know the group.

Speaker 3

Wait a minute. You don't know that song? I just said everybody knows that song. I gotta look in the audio room. Jim Mitchell, Bruce Goff, do you guys know that song, three Dog Night?

Speaker 2

I know the song.

Speaker 3

I don't know the group.

You don't know Three Dog Night? Yeah. Well, I mean, that sort of does date my age a little bit, but I was 11 years old when that song came out, and I didn't even know it.

But it's written by Harry Nilsson. You guys don't know who Harry Nilsson is? No.

Speaker 2

Are we looking at you?

Speaker 3

So much for classic rock history right here.

Speaker 4

Bob Lapine was here. He would be singing with me.

Speaker 3

I was looking at you thinking you'd sing with me.

Speaker 4

I couldn't remember the words.

Speaker 3

Come on.

Speaker 4

No, sorry.

Speaker 3

Anyway, it's this song that really became hit number five in the US because I think it tapped into something that people feel.

And we got Steve DeWitt with us today. Pastor, author of a book called *Loneliness: Don't Hate it or Waste It, Redeem It*.

So, Steve, when I picked up your book and started reading about that topic, I don't know why I thought of that song. I guess you didn't, huh?

Speaker 2

I didn't. I do talk about a different song, Alone Again, Naturally.

Speaker 3

But I was gonna sing that when. Alone Again, Naturally.

Speaker 4

I remember that song.

Speaker 2

Yeah.

Speaker 4

So when you mention it in the book, I was, like, singing right along with you.

Speaker 2

I think you just picked the wrong song today.

Speaker 3

I think I did. You know, usually I've got the whole room singing, but today I'm like, okay. They'll probably edit all that out, Steve. So it doesn't even matter. That would happen.

Steve, talk to us a little bit about. Tell our listeners what you do. I know you're a pastor in Northwest Indiana, the home of Ball State University.

Speaker 2

Oh, yes.

Speaker 3

Yeah. The greatest university in the Midwest. Of course, you agree with that. I'm striking out here today, folks.

Speaker 2

I am. For all Indiana universities, as my tax dollars go to support them.

Speaker 3

There you go. So how long you been pastoring there? 97.

Speaker 2

Yes, I've been for 27 years. I've been the senior pastor of Bethel Church in Northwest Indiana. And before that, I was a youth and worship pastor in Indianapolis, and I went to college and seminary in Michigan, and I.

Speaker 3

Where'd you go?

Speaker 2

I went to Cornerstone.

Speaker 3

Yeah.

Speaker 4

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 3

Near Grand Rapids, right?

Speaker 2

Yep. Born and raised in Iowa.

Speaker 4

Wow.

Speaker 2

So I'm a Midwest guy.

Speaker 3

Yeah. And sort of became known as the bachelor pastor. Tell us what that means.

Speaker 2

Well, that's true. It's not a title I ever aspired to. It just kind of came to me because in God's providence, his plan for my story was that I would be a single pastor for a couple decades.

And over time, because that is a little unusual, it was a term of endearment. I think that people called me that, and it's kind of what I was known for.

Speaker 3

Yeah. And you're not new to radio. You've got, is it daily, a radio show called the Journey.

Tell us what that is. And by the way, shout out to RK Media. Roger and Lori Kemp and the team produce your show.

And it's on every single day. And it's pretty much your sermons.

Speaker 2

It is. It's our. My Sunday messages. And yeah, we're, you know, we're a podcast, we're a radio program, and we're on stations across the country.

Speaker 4

Yeah, like us. And we love RK Media. Oh, we love Roger and Lori. And we are praying for you, Lori. Shout out to you.

Speaker 3

Yes.

Speaker 2

Yes, for sure.

Speaker 3

So talk about this book. I know it's your third book.

Speaker 4

Let me just say thank you for writing this, because I think as a listener, if you're listening to that title, loneliness, whether you're married, whether you're a single mom, whether you're single, whether you're a single dad, or just living life, we all face this, and it's a big deal.

I think we're feeling lonelier than we ever have. And I'm sure you probably know the stats on that.

Speaker 2

Well, it is exactly true. All of the statistics indicate the same thing: that we are lonelier than we have ever been as a society, which is ironic. You know, we're digitally more connected than any human beings in the history of the world. And simultaneously, we are the loneliest people.

The pervasiveness of that loneliness comes out almost every week. There's another study about the damaging effects of loneliness, not just relationally, but even physiologically. All the numbers are going higher all the time. Governments are trying to figure out what to do about this, and so it's a huge problem.

I somewhat uniquely come to the matter very personally and pastorally. Personally, I lived many years alone, and there's nothing wrong with that. It was God's plan for me. However, I had a long time to think about this ache that I had in my heart. I often wondered, what is this and why do I feel this?

Speaker 4

Tell us what it felt like.

Speaker 2

Well, I think most people probably know what that ache is of loneliness. It's a sense that something is missing, something that is longed for, or maybe an expectation has been unmet relationally, or maybe a relationship that once had been there now isn't. And so if you lose a spouse or a friend or a loved one, that longing for them to be in your life again is similar. These are related aches. All of them, I think, come under the rubric of loneliness.

And so for all those years as I'm pastoring people, and by God's grace, I pastor in a large setting, so I have thousands of people all around me all the time, and yet I was alone. I went home to a quiet house. That was exactly the way it was when I left.

And so putting my pastor hat on and theologian hat on, I had a lot of time to think about biblically, why, what is this? And why do I feel this way? And does the Bible have any solutions to loneliness? And if so, what are those? Because I really needed them in my own life.

Speaker 3

Now, did you feel? You used the word before, "ache." Did you feel that? Because I don't know if you're an extrovert or an introvert. I'm an extrovert.

When Ann leaves, if she's gone for a couple of days, every meal I eat at somebody's house, it's like, "Hey, Dave's here again." You know, it's just like, I'm an extrovert. I hate going home alone.

I just go play ball, I go play music, whatever. I'm finding ways to do that so I can feel that ache when I'm not with Ann. Is that something that you felt like every day?

Speaker 2

I didn't feel it every day for sure. And, you know, being a part of a healthy church is one of the solutions to loneliness. And I had all of that helping me. But at the end of the day, you know, holidays, Steve, not as Pastor Steve, but just the guy Steve. There was definitely this sense that there's a dimension that I am made for that is missing in my life.

And so one of the things I talk about with loneliness is it's not so much the presence of something as the absence of something. And not just horizontally, but also vertically. You know, to understand loneliness, we are first and foremost lonely for God. We are made in his image. We're made for Him.

And to understand loneliness, it has to begin with that vertical. Because as Augustine said, our hearts are restless until they find their rest in you.

Speaker 4

And what would you say to the people that are saying, "I need skin, I need skin on"? You know how we say that, like, but God doesn't have skin.

I need somebody with skin on. How would you? What would you say about that?

Restless and we're longing for God.

Speaker 2

Well, I go back to how God made us in the first place. Key to understanding loneliness is the imago dei, the image of God. To understand why we feel this way, we have to understand how God made us to be like him.

And so that includes then within the Trinity, this remarkable unity, so that we say that God is one; they are in absolute harmony, but also this diversity that they are three. We see both the social need that God made in us and also that longing for harmony and fullness and wholeness with somebody else.

Sin brings that all into chaos. In Genesis 3, we see Adam right away blames God, and Eve blames Satan, and they feel naked. The entrance of loneliness into the world is that moment in Genesis 3 when sin entered into the world.

So loneliness then is not a sin itself. That's one of my missions: I think people feel guilty for feeling lonely. We shouldn't feel guilty for feeling lonely. God made us to feel lonely; it's actually a good thing. When we understand why we feel lonely, we're halfway to mitigating the loneliness.

Speaker 3

How about, you know, you're talking about Genesis 3. If you go back a chapter and you write about this, where God creates Adam. And we write about this in our family life, preparing for marriage. So we have a workbook for couples before they get married.

Well, I'll read something from Preparing for Marriage. It says, soon after God created man, he said, "It is not good that the man should be alone. I will make a helper fit for him." (Genesis 2:18). Up to this point, God had looked over each part of creation and said it was good, but not this time. Something more was needed. Adam shouldn't be alone.

No sin or flaw was in the world, yet Adam experienced God in the midst of perfection, yet Adam was still alone. You're a theologian, you're a pastor. What is going on? Because in Genesis 3, we have the fall. But even before Genesis 3, God is saying, Adam's alone and yet he has a relationship with God.

Speaker 2

Well, I think it goes back to again, why did God make Adam in his image? It is to reflect what God is like.

And so it was not only not good for Adam to be alone, it was not good for the reflection that Adam is alone because God isn't alone.

And for humanity to reflect what God is like, there had to be another.

And Eve is created not to solve Adam's loneliness. It doesn't say that he was lonely.

Speaker 4

That's a good point.

Speaker 2

It says that he was alone. And that should be an encouragement that there is a huge difference between being alone and being lonely. Like aloneness is neutral. Loneliness is bad. Solitude is good. And when we can kind of put our emotions in those categories, it helps us to understand not only why we feel the way that we do, but why God made us the way that he made us.

And so I would look into that creation of Eve as being God, saying, humanity does not fully reflect what we're like yet. God delights in his plurality in unity. Think about Jesus talking about the love between the Father and the Son. In the upper room, for example, it is so deep, enriched, and meaningful. God wanted Adam to similarly experience that flourishing joy. To do so, he made Eve like Adam, but different.

Similarly, we see in the Trinity that God the Father, God the Son, and the Spirit are co-eternal. They share the same nature, but there are three different personalities. They are not exactly the same. Adam and Eve are not exactly the same, even though they share the same nature. We see the brilliance of God in creating the way he created us.

But it also explains then in Genesis 3, when that is broken, why we feel the way that we do. Something is missing between us and God and also between Adam and Eve.

Speaker 4

Yeah, take us there. Because as I was reading your book, I was like, oh, this is so good in the way you describe that. That brokenness in Genesis 3. Take us there.

Speaker 2

Well, I talk about nakedness. Do you want to go to nakedness? Is that where you're going here? Well, truth be told, I had a lot more about nakedness, but the publisher thought it was too much. So, yeah, it's true.

But I think nakedness is such an interesting and even visceral reality. All of us recognize that we feel naked. And it's not when we're alone that we feel naked. We shower or whatever; we don't even think about it. But when we're around other people and we're naked—that is, in the health club shower or whatever it might be—all of a sudden we become self-conscious.

And so I talk about why that is, that nakedness. It's not the absence of clothing; it is the absence of righteousness. Here we are, all these centuries later, and we are living out the same Garden of Eden reality. It's theology on display. We feel shame, and that shame is a function of that longing we have to be able to be vulnerable with another human being.

But because of sin, we can't be completely vulnerable. We always have to hide something. Our clothes are not so much about fashion as they are about that ancient hiding. All over the world, humanity—whether they're Christian or not—is living out the reality of the theology of Genesis 3.

Speaker 4

That's deep, man.

Speaker 3

That's deep.

Speaker 4

It's good, though. The absence of righteousness. I don't think I had thought of that before until I read that. Like, whoa. I had to sit in it for a minute just to understand it.

But there is a vulnerability in our nakedness, in even exposing who we are. But I think, too, we long for someone to truly know us, to truly see us, not necessarily in our nakedness, but emotionally.

Emotionally, soul. I think that's where the loneliness comes in, when we have no one that does that, that sees us and loves us.

Speaker 2

Think about the single scene right now where people are feeling that longing for vulnerability.

They're lonely, and so they have a series of sexual encounters, hoping that that total vulnerability with another human being will satisfy that longing in their heart.

And the testimony of those who live that lifestyle. Is that it?

Speaker 4

Right.

Speaker 2

You know, and here we are back in Ecclesiastes where, you know, Solomon has, you know, he says in Ecclesiastes 2, I had more of this than anybody else, and yet it's meaningless without God. And so I would maintain that that longing is, first of all, theological. It is vertical, and through Christ, it can be restored, where we are reconciled fully with our Creator.

But then the social dimension of the Gospel frees us to be who we are with other people. My identity is now in Jesus Christ, and that frees me to. I don't have to hide. He's accepted me. And now you're another human being. I'm right with God.

And so now it frees us to be more vulnerable and I would say then less lonely because we are not hiding ourselves anymore.

Speaker 4

Let me ask you. I'm thinking of you as a single pastor living alone, and you probably went through times of loneliness. Times of.

Speaker 3

Well, that would be my question.

Speaker 4

Aloneness.

Speaker 3

Earlier you said you can be alone but not lonely.

Speaker 4

Yeah.

Speaker 3

You were alone for what, four decades? You got married, what, 41.

Speaker 2

44.

Speaker 3

44. So, yeah.

Speaker 4

But I'm guessing you slipped in and out of that being feeling alone.

Speaker 2

Absolutely. I think most people would describe loneliness as episodic. It's not always there, and I would maintain it's never fully gone. The goal of my ministry on this with loneliness is to move it from the foreground of people's emotional experience to the background.

And until the new creation, we are going to have a sense that something is missing. C.S. Lewis talks about this. He says even the best marriage, the healthiest moment in marriage, there's always a sense that something isn't quite yet perfect.

Speaker 4

But I like that moving it from the foreground. It's at the forefront of our minds. I'm so lonely, but it's not out of the picture; now it's in the background. I think that's good to understand that we might always have a sense of it, but to not let it rule at the forefront of our emotions.

Because in marriage, you know this. You're married now and you've been married. You have kids. I will talk about this tomorrow. But in marriage, I have felt some of my loneliest times. So just to think that a spouse comes in and covers all of that.

Speaker 3

Oh, we gotta save that for tomorrow.

Speaker 4

I know we will.

Speaker 3

I want to ask you this. Were you able to do that as a single man? Take it from the front to the back? Was it something that you processed through and worked through before you got married?

Speaker 2

Well, you know, there's a saying that describes things as not problems to be solved, but tensions to be managed. And I think loneliness falls into that category. It never fully leaves.

In my experience, I think probably singles that are listening could relate to this, especially during moments that I expected would be filled with family relationships, like holidays or even my birthday. Those would be the times where I would feel my aloneness and loneliness the most. These are very difficult times for people, single people in particular.

But it would come and go, honestly. Again, we have to be realistic about life in a fallen, broken world where the final flourishing and fullness is yet to come. Loneliness is part of this fallen world. Someday we won't feel lonely ever again, but here and now, it's going to be a part of the human experience.

Speaker 4

What is God's purpose in it?

Speaker 2

Well, now, that's. Now you're hitting the sweet spot. Okay.

Speaker 3

Deep.

Speaker 2

Well, no, this is. Now you're on. Where my heart truly goes with loneliness is that. Because I think we need to invert our whole perspective on loneliness.

Most people view it as bad. It's something that, you know, you run for it, something's wrong, you know. No, no. When we feel lonely, we are feeling exactly what we are supposed to feel.

I compare.

Speaker 4

People are like, wait, what?

Speaker 2

Yes, yes. Loneliness is a gift. It is a part of God's common grace to humanity to push us into the relationships that he made us to flourish in. So I compare loneliness to hunger or thirst, which none of us want to feel. Hungry. None of us want to feel thirsty. We don't resent hunger. We actually are like, hey, it's a good thing that I feel hungry. I'm sick if I don't. It causes us to move and to do things that our body needs. We eat, we drink.

Loneliness is like a relational hunger. It's an indicator. It's a little like the dashboard warning light. It's indicating warning. Warning. Something that you are made to enjoy and flourish in is absent, and you need to do something about it. And if we can view loneliness as part of the inner architecture that God put in us when he made us in his image, now we don't resent it. Now we don't hate it. Now we have an opportunity to redeem it.

Redeeming it biblically and through the gospel puts us in a place where we can enjoy the flourishing that God intended. But this comes through vertically being right with God through Jesus and enjoying horizontal relationships of vulnerability, nakedness, if you will. That comes by seeing my identity in Christ and freeing me to be who I am with other people.

Speaker 3

I mean, if a listener is right now identifying, wow, the light is flashing pretty strongly on my loneliness feeling. I think you answered it. But what would you tell him to do?

Speaker 4

Yeah, get real practical.

Speaker 3

That's where I am. I'm starving. I'm not just hungry and I don't.

Speaker 4

Know how to fill up. I don't know how to do it.

Speaker 3

Yeah.

Speaker 2

So there are reactions that people have that are unhelpful.

I'll just quickly share. You know, one of the things that people do is they will seek a distraction from that. You know, they will. They'll watch Netflix things every night. They do things to try to take their mind off of it.

Speaker 4

We numb out.

Speaker 2

Yeah, we try to numb it. Or we obsess over it. And we, you know, that relationship in the family, I'm so mad about it, I'm gonna. I'm never talking to that person again. And so much passive-aggressive behavior is really the result of people trying to deal with the sense of emptiness. All of those we need to avoid. Okay. Don't obsess over it. Don't distract it. Rather, we seek to redeem it.

And this redemption comes by understanding why I feel this way and then taking biblical steps to deal with it, which I would, in a quick summary way, be. Loneliness provides energy. Like there's a longing. Okay. And this is a gift. Take that energy, that desire, and move in positive ways, not in the negative ones, but in the positive ways. Move towards people, not away from people.

And I would argue that a biblical church is a great context for those kinds of healthy relationships to be experienced only if we enter into them understanding that it's the love of God through us that mitigates the loneliness in us. If I go to church or wherever and think I'm going to meet somebody that's going to take care of this loneliness, I will be lonely the rest of my life. We have to give our loneliness away.

This is Jesus. Take up your cross. Follow me. This is the die to yourself. As we seek to meet the lonely needs of other people, mysteriously, the loneliness in our heart moves from the foreground to the background. It is more blessed to give than to receive. This is do to others as you would have them do unto you.

And this is hard because we want to receive love. But it is the giving love to other people that mitigates the loneliness in our heart. And that would be my urging. Give your loneliness away. Take that energy and seek to meet the needs of other people. And then it sort of disappears.

Speaker 4

Ah, that's so good. I feel like that was super practical and it's the opposite of what you want to do, honestly.

Speaker 3

Yeah. If you find. If you want to find your life, lose it.

Speaker 4

Yeah.

Speaker 3

In serving others and serving Jesus.

Speaker 1

Isn’t that just the way God works in and through us? It's the upside down principles of the kingdom. If you want to experience life, give your life away. And in giving it away, then you'll truly find it. Crazy, huh? But I love that, though. It's such amazing perspective.

I'm Shelby Abbott and you've been listening to David Ann Wilson with Steve DeWitt on Family Life Today. Steve has written a book called *Loneliness: Don't Hate It or Waste It, Redeem It*. This book can really resonate with anyone who's wrestling with feelings of loneliness, whether you're single or married or in leadership. You can get your copy right now by going online to familylifetoday.com where you'll find a link in the show notes. Again, that's familylifetoday.com or feel free to give us a call at 800-358-6329 to request your copy. Again, the number is 800-F as in family, L as in life, and then the word today.

Obviously, you hear us talk often about marriages and how that foundation can affect everything else in your life. One thing we think we would all agree on is that great marriages, they don't just happen; they're built with intentionality. And so we're either drifting in marriage or intentionally moving toward each other and together toward God. So we think it's really important that you work on your marriage.

One of the ways we want to help you do that is by inviting you to a Weekend to Remember marriage getaway. And the cool thing is between today and December 2nd, that's Cyber Monday, all Weekend to Remember gift cards are 50% off. That's right. So you and your spouse can go and basically only pay for one of you. Our Weekend to Remember gift cards are 50% off through December 2nd. Additionally, our devotionals are 20% off now through Cyber Monday as well. So head over to familylifetoday.com and click on the Black Friday banner in order to access 50% off on Weekend to Remember gift cards and 20% off on our devotionals. Again, that's familylifetoday.com.

Now, tomorrow, what are the complexities of loneliness when it comes to marriage and singleness? Well, Steve DeWitt is going to be back tomorrow with the Wilsons along with his wife Jennifer to talk about how to redeem loneliness regardless of your stage of life. That's tomorrow. We hope you'll join us.

On behalf of David Ann Wilson, I'm Shelby Abbott. We'll see you back next time for another edition of Family Life Today. Family Life Today is a donor-supported production of Family Life, a Cru ministry helping you pursue the relationships that matter most.