FamilyLife Today®

Speaker 1

It had been a particularly bad day, and I said, "Lord, I love these kids so much, but I can't do this."

God's voice to me was just as clear as your all's is to me right now. And he said, "Don't give up. Your boys need someone to fight for them, and I have chosen that person to be you."

It was such a powerful turning point in my parenting. Prayer is the way that I can fight for my children.

Speaker 2

Okay, this is going to be an unusual start. We have Brooke McLaughlin in the studio with us and.

Speaker 3

What do you mean, unusual start?

Speaker 2

Yeah, because I'm going to read something that she's written. And so, especially for those of you with boys, I'm going to try to make it through this, but it could be hard. My older son, almost 18 years old.

Speaker 3

Wait, wait. You got to make sure they know this isn't you. This is what Brooke.

Speaker 2

This is what Brooke wrote.

Speaker 3

All right?

Speaker 2

She's written a book praying for your teen boys, but this is what she wrote. My older son, almost 18 years old, is getting ready to head out the door for baseball practice. It's late in the day, and he's freshly showered because they didn't have school today. I hug him, noticing that my head is resting solidly on his chest and that his long, shaggy hair is still damp. He smells like his dad's cologne, and his truck keys are hanging out the pocket of his shorts.

I squeeze him hard, and he wraps his arms around me, picking me up off my feet to hug me and twirl me around the kitchen. He's stronger than he realizes, so his hug makes me squeak, and that makes us both laugh out loud. And it's in that moment that it happens. He crinkles up his nose as he laughs, and instantly I'm transported from looking at my almost adult's face to my little boy of just four years old. It's as if that younger, softer face is somehow transposed upon the older, more chiseled replica.

And for just a moment, I see my baby boy. Chubby hand held out to his mama with a flower he'd picked just for her and his blanket tied around his neck like a cape. My hero. My heart squeezes, and it feels like the inside match to the hug I just got from the one who made me a mama. There will never, ever be another him. My firstborn. My beautiful blond boy with freckles on his nose that got worse or better in the sun, a gorgeous smile, and a heart that is growing up as big as his body.

There will come a day when I may not be the most important woman in his life, and that's okay, but no other woman on the face of the planet will be able to experience what I do. Because I'm the only woman who will ever look at his face as a man and see the boy he once was. I'm the only woman who will have firsthand experience of what he had to fight through to get to where he is now. The only woman who watched him battle for what he wanted in his early life. The only woman who taught him to read, tie his shoes, and look for God's beauty all around him in this world.

The only woman who held on so tight only to have to forcibly let go because that was my job, having three sons of our own. She's so beat. That is just like every mom of a son. That's what it feels like. So, Brooke, welcome.

Speaker 3

You got all of us crying.

Speaker 1

Where are the tissues?

Speaker 2

Including. You need one?

Speaker 1

No, I'll be okay. I'll be okay. If you don't mind me sniffling a little bit as we talk.

Speaker 2

So take us back to when you wrote that and why you wrote that.

Speaker 1

Well, that son just turned 20. That's how long ago that was now. And he's in college and is now, you know, be leaving in about a month to go to baseball practice at college now. And so things have progressed.

But I wanted to write something in the beginning that I thought every mom on the planet could potentially relate to. Something deeply emotional that really captured the heart of what it feels like to have teenage boys. I sat down, as I always do when I'm writing, and I said, "Hey, Lord, would you show up? Because if you don't, nothing of worth happens."

And he dropped that memory into my heart and it just came. But I read those words and I know they're mine, but they make me cry too, because they're so precious to me. The position that a mother has, a mother of boys, has over, you know, in her son's life is so, so. It can be so, so precious.

Speaker 2

It is so precious.

Speaker 1

And it's that combined memory of the boy that he was and the man that he's becoming that brings up those emotions.

Speaker 2

And I think too, because all three of mine are married. And you can't explain on their wedding day what it feels like. You're so excited, you're so happy, you're so expectant for their future of who they pick. Like my daughter-in-laws are incredible.

And yet I cried out of absolute sheer joy. But there was this mourning in my heart that I couldn't even explain. I was so shocked by it the first time.

But it's your last sentence. The only woman who held on so tight only to have to forcibly let go. But you're saying that your sons aren't married yet, but you're still having to let them go.

Speaker 1

Yes, you have to. You have to let them become men. And you know, I love my boys so much. I mean, we're all crying, we all love our boys, there's no doubt. I love them so much.

But the last thing in the world I want to do is cripple them in any way. I want them to go out and soar in all of the plans that God has for them. I want to joyfully give them to the Lord and say, go do something amazing with this gift that you gave me that was always yours to begin with.

Speaker 2

Exactly.

Speaker 1

And I don't wanna hurt them in any way. And so letting go is something that we have to do. It hurts like the dickens to have to let go. But if we don't, we hurt them. And I'd rather hurt me than hurt them.

Speaker 3

I mean, how do you as moms do it?

Speaker 1

Ye.

Speaker 3

I mean, as a dad, I think it's different again; we gotta let go. There's definitely that sense of that. And I'm crying when I hear what you wrote. But there's also, as a man, you're like, okay, dude, step up. I've been preparing you for this your whole life. I'm here if you need me. I hope I've taught you well. Go get them, buddy.

And as a mom, you're sort of like, you've got that motherly instinct. I've done many weddings as a pastor, and there are some parents I want to go, "Mom, let go." They're not letting go. They're holding. And they know they should, but they can't, they can't, they won't.

So how does a mom do that? Because it's a hard thing to do, right?

Speaker 1

It is a hard thing because there is a balance. Like my husband is a mama's boy. He was a mama's boy.

Speaker 2

My husband was too.

Speaker 1

So, you know, there were some things about that. I had a fantastic mother-in-law, wonderful. But there were some things about that that, you know, annoyed me. And I say that as a daddy's girl, so take that with a grain of salt. But there were some things I didn't love about that.

But then there were other things that I was like, "Man, I am so glad that she taught him how to treat a lady." I have directly benefited from a mom who was in a great relationship with her son and continued. She has dementia and she doesn't remember us anymore. But up until, you know, whatever day that was that she didn't see us anymore, she has continued to be in a fantastic relationship, and he learned how to treat a woman and brought that into our marriage.

And that's what I want to give my boys. I don't want to give them an overbearing mom who can't let go. I don't want to hurt his marriage; I don't want to hurt his future. I want a good relationship with my daughter-in-law.

So I think when you say, "How do you do it?" For me, and you know, my boys aren't married yet, so I don't have this lived experience. But in the letting go, I have to weigh what is my need versus what is his. And as moms always do, we sacrifice sometimes what's best for us or what we need or want in order to give our boys what they need or want.

And that's just a continuation of that sacrifice that says what God is doing in him and him growing into the man that he's supposed to be is more important than what I want or need or feel like I might need. And frankly, probably is a nice opportunity for me to redirect my affections to the Lord and get needs met there as opposed to trying to make them be met in my son.

Speaker 2

I think that's the secret. It's really easy to find our life and our kids.

Speaker 1

It is.

Speaker 2

It's really easy to make our kids an idol, especially not having any daughters. When you have a daughter, the dynamics can change.

I was super close with my mom, and I didn't feel the need to pull away from my mom or dad. You might have felt that with my dad, actually.

Speaker 3

Dave, what do you mean?

Speaker 2

Of just like comparing my dad to you or.

Speaker 3

Oh yeah, he was a great, great man.

Speaker 2

Yeah, he was. But I think there's. I want to give our sons a gift and my daughter-in-law's a gift, and that is that he is tied to her. They're one.

I'm not that person, and there's a sense of grieving in it. But there's also this incredible celebration, like look what God has done for them.

But man, I have to cling to Jesus so that I don't cling to my kids.

Speaker 1

That's it. That's exactly what it is. Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 2

Well, let's talk about your book. We've already talked a little bit about it with you and Stacy, but let's kind of hit some of these things. Why did you write this? Because prayer is really important. We got that out of our time with you and Stacy.

Speaker 3

You didn't say pray for your teens. This is pray for teen boys. Now, I know you only had boys. We only had boys. But why specifically just teen boys instead of saying this is true for teen girls as well? Stacy wrote that one. Why teen boys?

Speaker 1

There's a few reasons. One is this is kind of a bookend, or at least a follow-up, if you will. For me, my very first book was called *Praying for Boys*, and it was directed more toward moms of Littles. I knew when that book released that I wanted to write a follow-up to it that would be for praying for teen boys. Of course, I hadn't lived it at that point. It was several years, 15 or 16 years later, that I wrote this follow-up. I felt like I needed some authentic living under my belt before I could really offer anything of worth to people. But I've wanted to write this book for a long time. I've loved all the books that God has given me the honor of writing, but this one feels a bit like my heart running around out there on the page, if you will. There's a difference for me in this book.

So that was part one. Part two is that, you know, Stacy and I have written other books together, co-authored books, but we just felt like there were enough differences. Like the one that you started with, the relationship between a mom and her son is different than the relationship between a mom and her daughter. One's not right or wrong; they're just different. They're different enough that I wrote that knowing that every mom of teen boys would cry when they read that. But I don't know if a mom of teen girls would necessarily see the same thing. Maybe, but they have their own set of challenges, and the relationship is different.

We thought that this was important and that there was plenty of material to go on. Finally, we just wanted to validate that God made them different. There are unique things about being a boy and there are unique things about being a girl. We wanted to speak into that and validate God's plan for that as well.

Speaker 2

So how did you happen to, like, these are actual prayers in the book?

Speaker 1

They are.

Speaker 2

Why that? Well, you could have just talked about prayer.

Speaker 1

We could have, and I think that would have been okay. But I don't, you know, God can do what God will do, and if he wants to, you know, convict someone to pray, he'll do that. But I didn't just want to give them thoughts about prayer or thoughts about raising teen boys. I actually want you to do it. Like, I actually want you to do it. I don't just want you to know about it. Put it in action. Yes, do it. Sit down.

One of the things that I was praying for us as we closed out the last show with Stacy and I together was that the world is going to come at our children. It's going to. The enemy is going to come at our children. He is doing that. So are we going to let the enemy come at our children without a praying mom or with a praying mom?

And so I want people to put this information into action, not just cry when they read a story that really speaks to their heart. I want them to be motivated and equipped to then go and begin to cry out to the Lord on behalf of their children.

Speaker 3

Well, you start with what to pray for yourself. And one of the things I found interesting because you say, lord, help me keep his heart. Next chapter, how to pray for your team boy. Lord, keep his heart. So what is that about?

Speaker 1

They're both relational in nature. One speaks to the relationship between my son and myself, and the other speaks to the relationship between my son and God. But they build on each other.

So I actually chose to write the one or place the one where I'm talking about the relationship between me and my son before the one where we're talking about his relationship with God. Ultimately, his relationship with God is more important than his relationship with me.

But as you all know, so much of the way we see God and understand God comes from the parenting that we had.

Speaker 2

Did you all just hear that? Like, as a listener. That's kind of convicting and scary.

Speaker 3

Interviewer.

Speaker 1

That's very scary.

Speaker 2

Yes.

Speaker 1

And a viewer.

Speaker 2

Yeah. Say it one more time.

Speaker 1

The way that our children understand God, to some degree, comes from their experience of being parented. Because God is our father. God is our heavenly father. If you happen to have a great dad, like I know you and I did, then that's sometimes a bit easier than to be okay with God being Father in heaven. But if you didn't have a great dad or even a great mom, then it can be harder.

So the relationship that I have with my children is crucial. When I say, "Lord, help me keep his heart," what I'm saying is, "Lord, keep the relationship between us strong." There are going to be so many things that come in between us or that can threaten to hurt the relationship. There are going to be decisions that either of my sons make that I don't agree with or that I think are sinful. But if I can keep his heart, then he will come back at some point. Even if we have a big knockdown drag-out, if I can keep his heart in the midst of that, if he knows that his heart is safe with my heart, then he will return to that relationship.

Another part of that that's really important to me as we're learning to keep the relationship with our kids is that I want my children to know that there is nothing they could ever do that would make me not love them. Nothing. There is nothing on the table that you could bring that would make me look at you and say, "That's it, I don't love you anymore."

Speaker 2

So I'm just thinking, this is what just popped into my head, like somebody who's a child, a son who's struggling with gender dysphoria. So you're saying that no matter what, you're still gonna be in relationship and love him?

Speaker 1

I will never stop loving him. Whether I'm in relationship with him is not always solely dependent upon me as they get older. But my heart will always be open to him and open to that relationship.

Speaker 2

Even if you disagree?

Speaker 1

Even if I disagree with a lifestyle, even if he offends me, even if he hurts me, the scripture doesn't necessarily call me to like my children all the time. And if we're being honest around the table today, there have been times when we have not liked our children, or at least not liked the decisions that they've made at certain times. But there's nothing, there's nothing he can do to make me stop loving him.

I think knowing that, and we've had some opportunities in small and maybe medium-sized ways in our own home to put that into practice. Sometimes I just start with that. My younger son got in trouble at school one time. And by the way, he knows that I talk about this. Every story that I have in here, he got permission for. Every story they had veto power over. So if you read it in there, they know it's there.

He got in trouble at school one day, and I was really mad at him. It was something that had been kind of ongoing, and I thought we were done with it. Apparently, we weren't done with it. So he gets in trouble, and I went to pick him up. This was before he could drive, so it's been several years ago. I went to pick him up after school, and he gets in the car and just slumps over, his head held down.

Everything about his body language communicated that he knew he was in trouble. I was mad at him. I was really mad at him. But I reached over and put my hand on his leg first. Before I fussed or berated him or anything, I put my hand on his leg first and said, "There is nothing that you could ever do to make me not love you. Now, let's talk about this."

Framing it in that perspective makes you safe.

Speaker 3

How did that go? Did he open up?

Speaker 1

He did. Both of my sons usually will open up to me after some time. They, of course, as they've gotten older, been more choosy about what they share with me. So I don't know if I'm always getting every detail of the story, but both of them will talk to me after some time.

This particular son that I'm talking about is the one that's a bit slower to open up. I have a talker and a non-talker, if you will. They'll both get there, but he has to warm up to it some. And so I have to give him that time.

Speaker 2

And let me add, too, like, I just did that last week with a couple grandkids that were in my car. I remember saying, like, you guys, there's nothing you could do that would make me not love you, or nothing that you could do or couldn't do.

Like, if you did anything, like, I would still love you and you can always come to me and talk to me, because my love is like that. And then I would say, like, do you guys understand that?

Yes. There's nothing we could do, Nani. That's what they call me. That would make you love us less.

Like, good.

Speaker 1

Yeah.

Speaker 2

I could get mad sometimes and you could get mad at me, but nothing would change that.

Speaker 1

Yeah. And I've told my sons, I might not like you right now, but I love you. I love you, and that will never change.

Speaker 2

Well, you talk about keeping his heart in three main areas. Keep his heart pure, keep his heart soft, keep his heart clean. Do you think that's specific for a boy? What does that look like?

Speaker 1

I do. I do. And I know Stacy will talk to or talk about the areas where girls struggle. But I just think boys in particular. Well, I think all of us as believers need to keep short accounts with the Lord when we are, you know, Scripture calls all of us, not just men, to keep our hearts clean before the Lord, to have a pure heart and clean hands. And I think that's really important for all of us.

But for boys in particular, there's just so many things to dirty them up these days. And I use that, you know, if they know the Lord, they're not. They're not dirty. They're washed clean in the blood. But there are things that can make it messy for them that they are wired to be drawn to. And, you know, the enemy can take anything that God meant for good and make it evil, make it, you know, serve his purpose instead.

And so I just think it's been very important for us to define what does it look like to be pure? What does it look like to be clean before the Lord? When you go to bed at night and you look in the mirror, are you clean before the Lord? Is there something you need to take care of before you go to sleep?

And specifically, when it comes to teaching them to be soft or to be tender, I don't necessarily mean weak. I don't mean, you know, the negative associations that you might have with that word.

Speaker 2

Well, you say this. I'm not a proponent of raising weak men, but I do love a good soft man.

Speaker 1

Yeah, I love a man that I can talk to, that understands me. Not necessarily that has all the answers, but is a safe place for me to share my heart with. That's what I have in my husband, and that's what I hope they will be for their wives. As women, I think we want and crave a safe place to run. And we can always run to our heavenly Father. But what a gift it is if the men in our lives can figure out how to be that as well.

And I will say, too, I wrote that I'm not necessarily a proponent of raising weak men. However, there is a caveat to that, and that is that sometimes men do need to be weak before the Lord. A lot of times, the scriptures tell us, in our weakness, God is strong.

And so I also have tried to help our children imperfectly. This is a hard one. But I've tried to help them realize that when they're at their weakest point, that can be when God is the strongest for them. So there's an okayness about that, even for men.

Speaker 2

And I will say, Dave and I both, man, we prayed together and individually for our sons, for their purity, not just sexually, but with pornography, with their songs much on social media.

Man, I felt like I was waging war as a mom because it petrified me of the consequences of that, of how it lingers, of how it's addicting.

What did that prayer sound like for you? What has it sound like? How do you pray that?

Speaker 1

So there's a chapter in the book that is titled "Lord, Make the Hidden Things Known." I often prayed that for our children when they were in circumstances that were outside of my control. Maybe they were spending the night with a friend whose family might have had different rules than I did, even if we were mostly aligned. We were pretty strict with our kids' cell phones; they did not even get to have their phones in their rooms at night until they were just right before their 18th birthdays because they were going to be leaving our home after that. We felt like, okay, we need to give them some space to learn how to do that.

But we were very intentional about what we tried to allow in their lives. There are times when even the most well-intentioned parents are not in control of what is coming in. It doesn't matter how you educate your children—whether they are in public school, private school, or you homeschool—the world will get at them somehow, and there will be times when you can't control that.

So my prayer was often, "Lord, you know, protect them. Help them to stand, and then help me to see the things that I can't see." Because you see it all, Lord. There's nowhere you can go that you can't see it. So help me to know what I need to know.

Speaker 3

I mean, how do moms have the conversation? Because I know how dad does with a son about pornography. What's it look like for you moms?

Speaker 1

We did things, I don't know, strange maybe, but I'm glad in the end that we did it this way. We had a neighbor, we started homeschooling our boys, then they went to private school and then they ended up in public school. So we've kind of done it all.

But when we were homeschooling them, there was a little girl that lived next door to us who had been brought up in some very difficult circumstances and had been exposed to way more worldly things than our boys had been exposed to. But they loved her, and they were all about the same age. She would get off the bus every day and come home, and they would be waiting for her and a couple of other friends in the neighborhood who got off the same bus. They'd stay outside and play for a while after school.

After a couple of weeks, we began to realize that if we didn't have "the talk" with our sons, she was going to beat us to it. We weren't necessarily ready; they were a bit younger than we wanted them to be. We thought they were probably 7 and 9, or 6 and 8, somewhere in that area. It was really quite a bit earlier than we wanted to have the talk with them, but literally, we were going to miss the opportunity.

I have a very good friend of mine over the years who has influenced me in raising boys, Melanie Young. She and her husband wrote a book called *Raising Real Men*. She always says, "You need to come to the table and be the firstest with the mostest." That was what was driving us when this was happening. We thought, okay, we have to do it or we're not gonna get there.

So we bought a Bible study that was for teaching children about sex. I wanted my husband, because we have all boys, to lead the study, but it was important to me to be there for it. We were all at the table together. My husband led them through it, but I wanted them to see that this is not just an issue that you can talk to your dad about. It doesn't matter to me how embarrassing the question is; I'm gonna be there, and you can come to me with it as well.

We established that pattern early on in their lives where there was nothing off the table. They could just come to me with anything. And they have, even though it's been awkward sometimes. There are times when I wish I didn't have to answer the questions they brought to me. But we've tried to have open communication about even the weird, awkward things that all of us would rather just pretend don't happen, but do. I think that open communication has really helped us to have those hard conversations.

Speaker 2

Yeah, I think that that's really wise. And I think, too, that this is very similar to Dave and me. I was with them more just in terms of driving. So, Dave would have some of the big conversations, but I was always there too, like, bringing things up and talking through it.

Recently, a few weeks ago, we were listening to one of our sons. He's a pastor, and he was preaching. He said this: when I was in college, I do not know how, but every time I would do something wrong, my mom would call the next day. It's like she knew everything that I did. I have no idea how. I think friends would be at a party that he was at with my, you know, maybe a daughter. My friend's daughter was there or somehow I would always find out.

Then I would call him just to say, "Hey, hon, how are you doing?" And he's like, "I am freaking out, because I'm like, how does my mom know this stuff?" They know that since they've been little, that has been our prayer—not that we would find out things to harm them or to make them feel bad or guilty, but just to talk through life with them.

It's amazing how God hears and answers those prayers.

Speaker 1

It is. And as they get older, one of the things that changes about a mom's relationship with her son is that you don't need to know everything.

Speaker 2

Exactly.

Speaker 1

I really don't need to know where I want to know or want to know. I don't need to know where my children are 24/7. I don't.

And we do still have both of our boys on Life360. But I've told them, like, when you start paying for your own cell phone bill, you can get off of it.

But I don't look at it all the time. I really don't stress over it because I can't live that way, and they don't need me to live that way.

Speaker 2

And that's one of those things that might be different with a girl, too, because as a girl, there's a protective factor in there. So that could be different.

Speaker 1

Yeah.

Speaker 3

Yeah. We wrote in our parenting book about a moment when we found Internet porn on a computer in our house this long time ago. You know, it was just, you know, looking at history and, you know, the first question Ian had was, is this you? And I'm like, no, it's not me, which means it's one of our boys.

So then it's like, process of elimination. I'll never forget the conversation with the son that admitted to it. You know, I remember thinking, what will I do in that moment? You know, am I going to yell at him? Am I going to scold him?

And I cried and I said, you don't know the box you just opened. I do.

Speaker 2

I've been there.

Speaker 3

And this is not something that just goes away. And, you know, so we had this conversation. But one of the things I remember about that conversation down in the basement.

Yeah, I remember, was both there, Ann sitting there with me. It wasn't a dad, son conversation. It was mom and dad. And so you were a part of that conversation.

It became a journey that, you know, we could walk with him. He's married now, and it's a different deal. But it was, you know, Lord, keep my son pure. What's the difference between pure and clean? You're praying for clean as well?

Speaker 1

Yes, I think that's, you know, keeping your heart pure has to be a sort of, like, proactive, you know, whatever things are good and true and noble and, like, what you're thinking about, what you're doing, what you're allowing into your heart. It's kind of on the front side of it to be more proactive that way.

In my mind, when I think about keeping them clean, it's, what do you do when you mess that up? Because we all sin and we are forgiven, but there's an ongoing need for us to get clean before the Lord. In a very real sense, we are both already clean and still need to be cleaned up, but with the Lord more and more.

And so my prayer is that my boys, one, I pray that they'll be found out if they sin, if that's what they need, if that's what God sees as best. But also I pray that they will be convicted if they sin, to go and make things right first with their heavenly Father, and then go make things right with whoever they sinned against or in that, you know, whatever capacity that is.

Speaker 2

I think if you have sons, this is a book that you're going to want to get because it's a book of prayers. Let me give you some of these chapter titles: Lord, let him hear wisdom. Lord, place a guard over his mouth. Lord, help him stand. Lord, open his eyes. Lord, give him a heart after you. Lord, make the hidden things known.

These are the things we as moms have on our hearts. When we take them before our Father, who cares about them and loves them more than we do, there's a sense of peace for me. As a mom, I can get super anxious about all these things coming after our sons. I feel like we're living in a culture that has a lid on these boys, preventing them from becoming the men that God intended them to be.

We, as moms and dads, have this incredible power to pray on our faces before God. And He answers—that's the thing you're seeing, Brooke. He answers; He does.

Speaker 1

And it really, the way that I have framed it over the years. I had this really special moment with the Lord when my youngest was five and my oldest was seven. My youngest was a handful. He was like two handfuls. And we were homeschooling them at the time. I had started out a couple of years earlier homeschooling his brother. So my oldest was in second grade, and my youngest was starting kindergarten.

What I didn't realize was that my younger son had been listening to everything we were teaching the older son. By the time we got to kindergarten, he already knew everything in the curriculum. That happens routinely, but I didn't know that at the time because I wasn't a teacher going into that. I didn't know a whole lot about how that worked. It's pretty common knowledge now. However, I was trying to force him into a box that said, "No, we have to check this off. You have to learn this."

Oh, you already know it? Well, too bad. We're going to go over it again. Not surprisingly, he was rebelling against that and bored in a five-year-old way. You can imagine what that looked like. Finally, one day, it was somewhere in the month of November, I think before the holidays. I had put both of the boys in their afternoon timeout or whatever. They didn't nap anymore, but it was just quiet time.

I went downstairs, and it had been a particularly bad day. I went to what I call my green prayer chair. I sat down before the Lord and just came unglued. I said, "Lord, I can't do this anymore. I'm out. I'm tapping out." I didn't mean that I was tapping out on my boys; I just meant I didn't have what it takes.

Speaker 2

I'm at my wit's end.

Speaker 1

I'm at my wit's end. I love these kids so much. But I can't do this, Lord. I give up.

And I have never heard the audible voice of God. But in that moment, God's voice to me was just as clear as your alls is to me right now. And he said, "Brooke, don't give up. Your boys need someone to fight for them. And I have chosen that person to be you."

And that still gives me chills to say it was such a powerful turning point for me in my parenting. That's the way I look at praying for my kids. I am not. There are a lot of reasons that parents and children might find themselves at odds with each other and feeling like they're fighting against each other.

Prayer is the way that I can fight for my children. And that has been what I have wrapped up my entire parenting plan in: I am fighting for you. We are on the same team.

Speaker 3

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Speaker 2

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Speaker 3

Yeah, just go to familylifetoday.com and tap the donate button at the top of the panel.

Speaker 2

Okay, on to our conversation.

Speaker 3

Your chapter on wisdom. And I want to hear you tell the story about your son in college baseball. Because I was a college athlete and I don't know if I could make the decision he made.

Speaker 1

Yeah, yeah. It was a great example of how God's word gives us very practical ways to use wisdom.

Speaker 2

This is so wise and helpful for parents.

Speaker 1

It is. It's very practical. It's one of those things that I look back on and I'm so grateful we did this. I have always told my boys that there are really only two kinds of men that the Bible describes: the foolish man and the wise man. The foolish man says in his heart there is no God and does whatever he wants to do. The wise man fears the Lord and follows him. And so since they were little, I have often said to them, "Okay, what kind of man do you want to be? Are you going to be the foolish man or the wise man?" I still say that to them today as they're making decisions. What kind of man do you want to be? The foolish man or the wise man? This has helped us frame their decisions.

I'm not going to sit here and tell you that they've never chosen foolishness. They have. But in this particular account, this particular experience, my son had committed to go to a certain college to play baseball. It was his dream. The coach of that school had invited him somewhere around Christmas of his senior year of high school to go and play in a collegiate baseball league in another state. So he actually left us. He graduated and left us four days later. This summer, the year of his 20th year, is the first summer that he's been at home with us for more than just a couple of weeks at a time since he graduated from high school. So it was a big deal for us to not only let him go, but he was a whole other state away.

He went down there, he played, and then somewhere around the Fourth of July, he came back home with some news that that particular coach, who was the one that had recruited him to play at the school, was not going to be at that school after all. I didn't know it at the time, but that's fairly common for coaches to change schools and things like that. So he came home, and the coach had said to him, "I think you can find a different place to play. I would recommend that you do that." At that point, we felt like, okay, maybe we should listen to him.

We started kind of in panic mode, going, "Okay, what do we do?" We knew he could kind of stay where he was, so it wasn't like we didn't have a place to go. But we started very quickly trying to figure out what was still available. We went into this with a formula for where our kids would go to school. This formula works. If you have an athlete, you can remove the variable. If you don't, it still works. Basically, it needed to be an academic fit, an athletic fit, and a financial fit. Academic in that you need to have an education where you can actually get a job. Athletic—there are different levels of college sports. We needed to decide, were they a JUCO player, were they a D3, D2? Where do you fit athletically as well? It needs to be a fit there, or you'll never make it onto the field.

Then also, we had to be able to afford it. My husband and I did not want to saddle our kids with hundreds of thousands of dollars of college debt, nor did we want to take that on. So we were being kind of picky, and last minute we were being picky about this. We had people that tried to help us, and we had a connection to a D2 program that was just kind of getting off the ground. It was not a new program, but it had a new coach, and they were rebuilding. We had a strong connection there and some interest, but it was 80 grand a year. It was so late in the year that there was no athletic money left for the coaches to give. He really wanted to go there, but when we sat down and said, "I'm sorry, babe, but this one has to be off the table because it isn't the wise thing to do," he didn't even fight us on it.

Now, he could have. There have been other things that he has fought us on over the years, but in this particular one, he didn't fight us. I think it was because we had laid it out from the beginning, and he could see the wisdom. He thought, "I don't really want to saddle my parents with that kind of debt. They've done a lot for me over the years. I don't want to do that to them. Also, I don't want to start my life with that kind of debt." So that formula really helped us to find the right fit for him, and it has continued. He did end up going to a JUCO school for the first two years, and we got tuition-free, which was fantastic.

When we started looking for where he was going to transfer, we used the same formula again, and it has served us really well. God's word gives us very practical wisdom. I say to a mom of boys, and the wisdom chapter, I will tell you, is my very favorite in the book. You might be able to tell that based on the way I talk about it, but I would say, go to the Proverbs, read them over and over, and the Psalms, read them over and over again. Have your boys read them over and over again. The Bible tells us that wisdom is calling out from the rooftops. It can be seen, it can be heard. God is not hiding wisdom from our boys, but we also know that foolishness does the same thing. Foolishness is also wooing our boys in from the street corners and luring them in. We have to help them see the difference and pray that God will help them to want to choose wisdom.

Speaker 3

Let's talk about when things don't go the way we hope for our kids. That's never happened ever.

Speaker 2

That's one of the hardest things when we pray a certain way. And we're really hoping that God will take it this way, that we've been praying and he doesn't. And, Brooke, you shared a story with us at lunch about how that happened to one of your sons.

Speaker 1

It did. It did. You know, it's not only just that you pray for them to achieve their dreams, but then you're also watching them work hard to achieve their dreams. So it's not just this random thing. It's this collective family force that's moving forward in a certain direction. And then sometimes God just pumps the brakes in a way that you didn't really give him permission to do, and then you have to, you know, deal with that.

Our oldest son had his dream come true to get an offer to play college baseball. And we were over the moon, excited. As you might imagine, he was our first to go through this process with. I've often joked and said I could write a whole separate book on, you know, the college recruiting process and all that, or having athletes for kids. But it was so wildly exciting for that to happen to him because there was a season in his athletic career, his high school career, where we just weren't sure that it was gonna be a reality.

But he worked hard, and one week to the day he was playing that he had gotten the offer. He was playing in a showcase event that he didn't even need to really be at anymore, because he had the offer he wanted. And he was making a throw from shortstop to first base. When he made a very forceful throw, the ligament in his elbow pulled bone from bone, and he broke his elbow.

I knew there was a problem. You know, as a mom, my kids never want me to come down on the field, right? Never. Like, that's just. They don't want that unless it's really bad.

Speaker 2

It's embarrassing.

Speaker 1

It's very embarrassing for them. And so there have been a few times when they've been laid out one way or the other that I've just had to, you know, step back. But when my husband stood up immediately and walked down on the. I knew that something was wrong. Not only that, but I saw his head coach stand up and walk down on the field. So I knew in that moment that something was bad. And sure enough, his elbow was broken. And at the time, we didn't know the fullness of the extent of the injury. If his UCL ligament had been torn, he would have had to have had what's called Tommy John surgery, and he probably would not have gotten to play baseball his entire senior year, his whole senior year would have been wiped out. And in that moment, on that Sunday afternoon, we didn't know what was going on. We weren't even sure of the fullness of the extent of the injury. So one week to the day, we had been so excited way up here and then way down there. And I am a wordy girl. I always have things to say. I can come up with words of encouragement on the fly. It's a gift that God has given me. But in that moment, neither my husband nor myself had anything to say. We did not know what to say to him. There were just no words. We were all broken in that moment because we had no idea how this would impact the trajectory of his life. And he was just a sad, sad sack. And so we came home from going to the er, and it was about the time our church at that time had an evening Sunday service. And we had not been there. And our pastor was a good friend of ours, and he had heard that our son had had the accident. And he told us later, he said, I got in the car and I started driving toward home, and my car wouldn't let me go home. I just had to turn and go to your house. There was nothing for me to do but turn and go to your house. And he showed up at our house, and he walked in the door, and here's my son in this makeshift cast. Cause, you know, we hadn't even gotten to the doctor to get any kind of real casting or anything, braces. And he's just. Just got one whole side of his body in this big, bulky thing. And our pastor puts his hands on his shoulders and looks him in the eyes. In that moment where we had no words, God sent our pastor, and he said, this is not the time to allow yourself to walk away from the Lord. I know you're disappointed and devastated, and we don't know what's gonna happen. This is the time for you to press into your relationship with the Lord. And he said, if God redirects you, if he uses this to redirect you, then you needed to be redirected. And if he doesn't, then he'll make a way for you to move forward. But this is the time, unlike any other time in your life, for you to choose to trust him in this moment. And we were just blown away at the goodness of God to help give our son the words that he needed in this moment that was so unsure and so full of emotion for him. Now, he did not have a UCL tear. He worked really Hard in rehab all, you know, leading up to baseball season and he got to play and he had a great season and he did get to go and play college baseball. And we're really grateful for that. But in that moment, we didn't know. And it was one of those pivotal moments for him and for us as parents to just learn to trust that God's plan is best.

Speaker 2

It's hard, especially when you have a child, that it's been their dream for their whole lives and then to see it possibly be done. And a lot of listeners have had that happen with their kids or themselves. Like, I was moving this way because it felt like, lord, you were taking my kids this way. And then all of a sudden it just totally shifted. And then you're right. That's a hard thing. We've had that. One of Dave's hardest things in his life.

Speaker 3

Yeah. I was gonna say when it's your parents dream.

Speaker 1

Yeah.

Speaker 3

As much as it is your son or daughter's dream. Our son, you know, gets to the NFL, is on practice squad for one year with the Detroit Lions. You know, my, my team, I'm in the locker room with him. So it's really, I mean, what a dream come true.

Speaker 2

And he's been, he's been praying since he was eight to get a D1 scholarship and to possibly.

Speaker 3

He's five, nine, you know, it's not going to happen. He does full ride, Division one, everything paid for. Which he still reminds us that, you.

Speaker 1

Know, we didn't have to pay for college.

Speaker 3

But I mean, the short version, I think I've shared this here before, but he kept tearing his hamstring and the team would release him because they needed the roster spot. And I've been around the league 30 some years. I'm like, Cody, when you get released, you're not getting resigned unless you're a number one draft pick. It's over. And they resigned him. And he tears it again and they resign him four times, three times, three times that first year in the off season, kept tearing it and doing the rehab and it was his dream. And long story short, he goes back for his second year. And the general manager grabs me on the first day of training camp, camp's just about to start. And says, hey, I don't know if he's told you how well he's been doing, but we see him making the 53, he's probably going to be a starter. And I'm like, I don't even tell.

Speaker 2

Myself Dave is pumped out of his mind.

Speaker 3

I drive home I'm laying on the couch. I'm like, this is the dream we've prayed for our whole lives. This is amazing. And probably an hour, two hours after that conversation, they're in camp now. His wife Jana, text all of us and said, he just tore it again. And I'd love to say I responded like your pastor did. I'm the pastor. I'm my son. He's gone to our church his whole life. I literally take my phone and I whip it across the family room. Ann wasn't there. It just bangs against the wall, and I just look at the ceiling. I'm like, seriously? God?

Speaker 1

Really?

Speaker 3

I mean, come on. It was harder for me than it was him. He knew from early college years, I'm called to ministry, and God's redirected me. As your pastor used those so wise words.

Speaker 2

Why do you think it was so hard for you?

Speaker 3

I just saw it was a dream, and I thought, he's going to be in a locker room. He's going to have a platform. He's going to reach people. All that. And God used him in a totally different way. And I think it was. I think it's hard to say what Jesus said in the garden, burden against enemy, not my will be done, but yours. I think it's easy to preach those words. I've preached those words in this moment. It's like, my will, God is. Come on. You've sort of laid this out. There's miracle after miracle. He even got there as a short little five, nine, dude. And now you're gonna rip it out of his hands in the last second. Because it was like, you've tarred four times. You're not. And we all knew this is not to be, you know, today. If he ran out and went as hard as he could at that level, he'd probably tear it again. It was just something there. And it was. Obviously, God had a different. And God's using him in powerful ways. Beautiful to see, but it was hard for dad to let go.

Speaker 2

When we watch our kids work their butts off and it's their dream, and you're fighting along with them because it's so important to them. I didn't even know it was that important to Dave till I'm like, honey, like, I need to pray for you more than Cody. But I think when our kids, we see that dream in them, we jump on that bandwagon with them, because there.

Speaker 1

Is nothing more exciting than watching your kid excel at what they love.

Speaker 3

Yeah. It's like they're made to do it.

Speaker 1

Oh. Just watching them do what they were made to do. And yet he was made to do more than one thing.

Speaker 2

Yeah. And to lay that down as an offering continually as a parent. And that prayer of Jesus, lord, not my will for my child, I want your will to be done in their lives. And as a parent, sometimes that's hard because our kids walk through some real pain sometimes, just like Jesus did, and it's not easy. I can't imagine Father God watching Jesus walk through that.

Speaker 3

Yeah. And at the end of the day, we all know this. They're not our kids. They're his kids. And he's got a better plan than we do. And it comes back to surrender, say, okay, I'm gonna trust your plan. It's better than mine. And it is.

Speaker 1

And nothing is wasted.

Speaker 3

Nothing.

Speaker 1

Nothing. You said there were all these miracles that got him to that point. And now, Lord, you're gonna take it away. And when God would say, well, but I'm using all those things, that's all a part of what I'm using to get him where I want him to go. Those are things he needed for me to allow to ultimately get him to where he is now.

Speaker 2

Brooke, what was your prayer that night? The pastor came over when you guys didn't outcome. What was your prayer that night?

Speaker 1

Yeah, I tried. I'm going to be honest and say, I tried that, Lord, your will be done. But I think because our pastor, and this is a word for surrounding your kids with great biblical advisors as well, and mentors. And mentors, I think, because he so quickly swooped in and redirected us and helped even my husband and I find the right mindset and those kind of things, I began to pray for more of that. And God was faithful. Actually, he showed up at school the next day, and the head football coach who my husband went to school with pulled him aside and said, I know you're crushed right now, but God would not have given you this if it didn't have a purpose. And we're all here with you, and we're gonna help you through this. I mean, he just continued. God continued to pull men that my son respected around him to give him that wisdom and the right perspective on the shattering of. Potential shattering of a dream. And so I just began to keep praying that the Lord would give us more of that, and he was faithful.

Speaker 3

To do it, and he does. Yeah, well, here's how I'll end it. This is how I'll end it. You want to be wise? Get this book. Seriously, what you're saying. I was like, you know, and I know it's written for moms, sort of, but not really, because when I read it, you know, preparing for this, I'm like, this is so well written. And then, you know, you have sample prayers. Like, if you've never prayed before, you don't know how to do it. It'll literally walk you through a prayer. So this is Brooke's book, Praying for Teen Boys. You can get@familylifetoday.com in the show notes, click on the link. I'd say, get it. Dads definitely get it.

Speaker 2

Moms, grandparents, too, probably.

Speaker 1

Yes, absolutely. Teachers, Sunday school teachers, high school teachers. Learn how to pray for the kids that you have in your sphere of influence.

Speaker 2

Brooke, this has been amazing. Thanks for guiding us, giving your. Giving us your wisdom. It's really good.

Speaker 1

Thank you so much. I appreciate it.

Speaker 2

Hey, thanks for watching. And if you like this episode, you better like it. Just hit that, like button, and we'd.

Speaker 3

Like you to subscribe. So all you gotta do is go down and hit the subscribe. I can't say the word subscribe. Hit the subscribe button. I don't think I can say this.

Speaker 2

Word like and subscribe.

Speaker 1

Look at that.

Speaker 3

You say it so easy. Subscribe. There it goes.