Co-Parenting: Healthy Attitudes
March 15, 2019
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Do you have an attitude problem?
Parenting between homes is by nature an adversarial process so co-parenting needs to be cooperative and you need a good attitude. Remind yourself you’re on the same side—the side of the child. You’re trying to bless your child emotionally, spiritually, and behaviorally, not get your way. And, unless proven otherwise, presume the other home in competent to function without you. Respect their boundaries, give up control, and let them do things their way. Parents need good attitudes, too.
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Ron, we’re struggling and I just need a dose of encouragement.
Jon wrote, “We’ve been married for two years and have struggled with many challenges. My ex-wife's manipulation for more money, my wife’s ex-husband has anger issues, and our five kids have us chasing our tails. We pray daily and go to church but we still get tempted to divorce.” I’m not going to blow smoke. Some stepfamilies have a lot of distress and it’s hard to stay encouraged. Like Moses and the Israelites trapped between the Red Sea and Pharaoh’s army, God will provide a path. Don’t quit.
March 14, 2019
Dads, how do you do long-distance parenting?
Many fathers who are physically distant from their children want to remain emotionally engaged. But how? First, remind your kids of your presence by giving them a copy of pictures and videos to remember the good times. Second, keep your communication alive. Write a text on Monday, make a video call on Tuesday, drop an Instagram on Thursday, and show up on Friday for your visitation. When you are together get out of the house. Take a walk, play a game, run errands. Make the most of your time.
March 13, 2019
Have you ever been caught between two people you love?
I think all parents can learn from Sophia. “There’s no doubt,” she said, “my brother and I were the middle-men in my parent’s communication. They’d communicate through us and I’d have to filter the message to keep somebody from getting mad.” I want to be fair. These parents probably thought that by communicating through their child they kept their tension at a minimum. But all they did was transfer their tension to their child. Look, keep your problems, your problems. Share love, not tension.
March 12, 2019
No, Ron, I don’t think a forever family is possible. At least not for me.
Julie didn’t think forever families were possible. In part, because she'd not seen a husband and wife stay together. In her immediate family there had been 12 divorces including her parents. Now engaged, she said, “I hope I’ve found the right person so I don’t get divorced.” That kind of anxiety about marriage is common today. But hope comes with guidance. After discovering Bible-based resources Julie said, “I can see it now. God’s plan for relationships makes all the difference.” Yes, it does.
March 11, 2019
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words…well words, can hurt even worse.
Why would that rhyme even dare to suggest that “words will never hurt me?” We all know they do. Proverbs 12 says that reckless words pierce like a sword. Proverbs 15 says a deceitful tongue crushes the spirit. In relationships they break trust and build walls. Proverbs also teaches that the words of the wise bring healing and are a source of life to those who receive them. Ok, it’s gut check time. Would the people in your life say your words are a source of life or stones to their spirit?
March 8, 2019
Circle the wagons. Put up your shield. And don’t let it divide you.
Many issues can undermine a stepfamily marriage like disagreements about co-parenting, financial issues, or ongoing conflict between bitter ex-partners. If your marriage isn’t unified these issues can divide you. So, to protect your marriage, communicate a lot. Resist blaming each other or letting your frustration spill out on the children. If co-parenting isn’t going well, consult with a family mediator or therapist. And find a group of stepfamily couples at your church who can support you.
March 7, 2019
So, in your house do you say our “daughter-in-law” or “our daughter”?
Words have meaning. When parents talk about their “daughter-in-law” they're referring to the woman their son married. It works the other way, too. She’s your mother-in-law not “mom.” But some people do say “daughter” or “Mom.” It just depends upon their relationship. The same is true in stepfamilies. Even when a “mom” is a stepmom to one of the kids, the dad might say, “Mom texted and dinner is in the oven.” They know who he’s talking about, right? The secret is to keep defining what you mean.
March 6, 2019
Family should take care of family, right?
I think the principle applies to more than just our physical family. In Luke 7 in the Bible Jesus takes great compassion on a widow. She’s lost her husband and her only son, which means she is in trouble financially but Jesus cares for her. We should have that kind of concern for one another. I’ve wondered, what if we, the church, stepped in with money and provision for the needy in our spiritual family instead of asking the government to? Well, care wouldn’t be cold. It would be bathed in love.
March 5, 2019
In marriage, things can escalate quickly.
I have a habit of keeping things I don’t need; this annoys my wife. Once she found another receipt she didn’t think necessary and I snipped. “I saw that. You rolled your eyes at me.” And with a smile, she pointed and said, “I rolled one. This one.” Now, what can we learn from this? Minor issues can escalate quickly and have major implications. That, even the smallest nonverbal behavior communicates a lot so be careful. And that an honest, but humorous confession covers a multitude of sins.
March 4, 2019
Do you have any baby mama drama?
There once was a guy who had ten kids by three different women and a favorite child by a fourth woman. The resentment was very high. I tell you this biblical story about Jacob, Leah, Rachel, and his two other wives to remind you that; first, God’s design for one couple to raise their children in a covenant marriage is the best and least complicated storyline for families. But, second, if your story has a lot of baby mama drama—God still loves you and He can bring about redemption in your life.
March 1, 2019
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