A Dose of Encouragement
March 9, 2020
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Ron, we’re struggling, and I just need a dose of encouragement.
Jon wrote, “We’ve been married for two years and have struggled with many challenges. My ex-wife's manipulation for more money, my wife’s ex-husband has anger issues, and our five kids have us chasing our tails. We pray daily and go to church but we still get tempted to divorce.” I’m not going to blow smoke. Some stepfamilies have a lot of distress and it’s hard to stay encouraged. Like Moses and the Israelites trapped between the Red Sea and Pharaoh’s army, God will provide a path. Don’t quit.
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Archives
Dads, how do you do long-distance parenting?
Many fathers who are physically distant from their children want to remain emotionally engaged. But how? First, remind your kids of your presence by giving them a copy of pictures and videos to remember the good times. Second, keep your communication alive. Write a text on Monday, make a video call on Tuesday, drop an Instagram on Thursday, and show up on Friday for your visitation. When you are together get out of the house. Take a walk, play a game, run errands. Make the most of your time.
March 6, 2020
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words…well words, can hurt even worse.
Why would that rhyme even dare to suggest that “words will never hurt me?” We all know they do. Proverbs 12 says that reckless words pierce like a sword. Proverbs 15 says a deceitful tongue crushes the spirit. In relationships they break trust and build walls. Proverbs also teaches that the words of the wise bring healing and are a source of life to those who receive them. Ok, it’s gut check time. Would the people in your life say your words are a source of life or stones to their spirit?
March 5, 2020
Circle the wagons. Put up your shield. And don’t let it divide you.
Many issues can undermine a stepfamily marriage like disagreements about co-parenting, financial issues, or ongoing conflict between bitter ex-partners. If your marriage isn’t unified these issues can divide you. So, to protect your marriage, communicate a lot. Resist blaming each other or letting your frustration spill out on the children. If co-parenting isn’t going well, consult with a family mediator or therapist. And find a group of stepfamily couples at your church who can support you.
March 4, 2020
So, in your house do you say our “daughter-in-law” or “our daughter”?
Words have meaning. When parents talk about their “daughter-in-law” they're referring to the woman their son married. It works the other way, too. She’s your mother-in-law not “mom.” But some people do say “daughter” or “Mom.” It just depends upon their relationship. The same is true in stepfamilies. Even when a “mom” is a stepmom to one of the kids, the dad might say, “Mom texted, and dinner is in the oven.” They know who he’s talking about, right? The secret is to keep defining what you mean.
March 3, 2020
Life is a field trip.
In the field trip of life, God has put us in a large group; we call it the Church. Some people are paired with a buddy. We call it marriage. You see, life is not the destination. Being wed to our Lord is. Single people need this perspective, so they won’t over value getting married. Dating people so they will date only believers. Married people need this perspective, so they won’t idolize one another and remarried people so they won’t worry whether they were the first love or the second.
March 2, 2020
Here’s a dilemma: How do you find permanence in a relationship without making a permanent commitment?
You know what a wedding is, right? It’s the day a man and a woman draw a line in the sand and step over it together. I’ve heard some people argue that living with someone is essentially the same thing. Then I say, “Oh, so it won’t matter is you go ahead and get married then.” To which they start backpedaling pretty fast. People intuitively know that marriage is different. Paper may not make a difference, but commitment does. Do you want permanence? Choose permanence.
February 28, 2020
Family meetings. It might be worth trying.
Some of you have already benefitted from my article on family meetings. This testimony from a stepdad explains why they can be so much more than just a meeting. “We started family meetings by necessity,” he told me. “We kept running into walls with the kids, so we decided to get together and talk about it. At first the meetings were all problem centered. But then we realized we could get proactive. Now, looking back it did more than solve problems. We figured out how to be a family.”
February 27, 2020
Stepparents, don’t just aim for love, earn their trust.
To have healthy relationships it really takes love and trust. One without the other doesn’t make for a solid relationship. Now, especially for adopted children, foster children, and stepchildren trust opens the door to love. Build trust by being emotionally and physically safe to be around; by showing them that you are committed, and you’ll never leave them; and by loving them on their worst day. And be trustworthy. Be a person they can trust, and you’ll be a person they can love.
February 26, 2020
Can you imagine—being deployed in a foreign country and losing your children back home?
Unfortunately, that has happened to our military personnel, but it shouldn’t happen anymore. There is now a law that prevents custody changes from occurring during deployment. But there are other things biological parents should think through: Registering your custody agreement in your current state and deciding how the stepparent should coordinate with the other household while you’re deployed. FamilyLife Blended, together with The Military Ready Stepfamily, offers support to military families.
February 25, 2020
Love languages are not set in stone.
In our book Building Love Together in Blended Families, Dr. Gary Chapman and I point out that your primary love language can shift. One stepparent noticed, “I thought I knew what their primary love language was, but it changed.” That is possible. Normal child and adolescent development can make a difference, but life stress and traumatic experiences can affect the primary love language. As people bond over time and trust develops, they can open more intimate places of their heart to one another.
February 24, 2020
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