The Official Average Boy Podcast

Jesse: Welcome to a very special episode 125 of the official Average Boy podcast. I'm Jesse from Focus on the Family's Clubhouse Magazine.

Bob: And I'm Bob Smiley. Hang on, Jesse. Special episode? Aren't all our episodes really special?

Jesse: Of course, but I have a surprise that I know you'll like coming up later in the show. I don't want that to distract you, so let's just keep going like normal.

Bob: Normal, got it. Hey everybody, I'm Bob Smiley, aka Average Boy, aka the charismatically confused, confounded kid of curiosity, cautiously wondering what this surprise is.

Jesse: I'm already starting to really regret mentioning it.

Bob: Don't do that, Jesse. We'll just do our normal thing and you can tell me at the end. I'm totally fine with that plan. Let's just move on.

Last week, I was almost late for school, but somehow I got there on time and had an amazing day. Well, this is the end of today's official Average Boy podcast. Anything else you want to add, Jesse?

Jesse: Okay, I'll tell you the surprise now because I really want to hear the story about you being late for school.

Bob: Almost late, not late.

Jesse: I'm pretty sure you did something that caused you to be almost late.

Bob: Actually, it wasn't my fault at all. Someone turned my alarm clock off. That made me wake up 20 minutes late. It was terrible and not my fault.

Jesse: Did you find out who turned off your alarm clock?

Bob: I didn't. I asked my mom and she said she knew who it was, but when I asked her who, she just pointed at me.

Jesse: That's what I thought.

Bob: Right, so she was indicating that she wanted me to figure it out all on my own. I think it was my brother, but I've been working on forgiving people lately, so I decided not to make a big deal about it.

Jesse: I think what your mom was telling you was—actually, please just continue with your story.

Bob: I grabbed all my things, which took a long time because everything was scattered all over the place. I think my dog hides my backpack once I go to sleep. I have no idea how my shoes ended up down by the creek. After I gathered all my stuff, I burst out the door and sprinted across the yard toward our long, winding driveway. That's when I ran into the first problem.

Jesse: Wasn't the first problem that you turned off your alarm clock?

Bob: That's when I ran into my very first problem. I kept tripping over all the toys that were left out on the grass. I was late, but I still stopped to make a quick mental note to tell my brother to stop leaving all his toys out on the lawn.

Jesse: So you think your brother left your toys scattered everywhere?

Bob: He's pretty irresponsible that way. Anyway, I then jumped over a huge bush. Or actually, it might have been my dog. It's really hard to tell because either one of them could have made that loud grunting noise.

Jesse: I think it was obviously—

Bob: Here's the deal, Jesse. I didn't have time to solve that mystery because I still had to conquer my driveway as well as about 100 more yards to the bus stop.

Jesse: I'm on the edge of my seat.

Bob: Really? You should probably ask Focus on the Family for a new chair. Anyway, when my feet hit the driveway, I took off in a full sprint.

Jesse: It's much easier to run fast when you're on an even surface.

Bob: I guess, but I was running, not doing math, so that's an odd thing to say. Since we have new listeners, I probably should point out that I am really super fast, like lightning speed fast.

Jesse: Lightning speed? Really?

Bob: Of course. My dad even said that.

Jesse: What did he really say?

Bob: He actually said, "Bob is like lightning before the lightning goes anywhere."

Jesse: I don't think that means you're super fast.

Bob: Anyway, halfway down the driveway, my mom walked up beside me. Wait, wasn't I running at full speed at this time? My mom is even super more faster than me. Mom walked up beside me and she said, "You forgot your backpack." I grabbed it from her and whammo, I came to a complete halt. Jesse, that thing was super weighted down.

Jesse: What was in it?

Bob: That was the problem. There were too many things in it. I made a mental note to empty my backpack when I got home later that day. I mean, there was probably some stuff I didn't really need. For instance, I probably didn't need my lucky bag of sand.

Jesse: Probably not.

Bob: And I hadn't even opened my jar of marbles in months. I could definitely take those out.

Jesse: We might be able to do a whole episode about what's in your backpack.

Bob: Maybe later, but right now I'm locked into this story. I rounded the bottom of our driveway and turned left on our street. And I would like to now interrupt this award-winning podcast for a brief public service announcement. In fact, hey producer guy?

Producer Guy: Yeah, Bob, what's up?

Bob: Can I get some serious music? Something that lets the listeners know this is really important.

Producer Guy: Sure, let's see what we have here.

Bob: Perfect. Hello kids, Average Boy here. Parents are not kidding when they say to look both ways before crossing the street. There are some crazy drivers out there.

Jesse: Hang on, AB. You're not telling us that you were hit by a vehicle, are you? Are you okay?

Bob: I'm here, aren't I?

Jesse: Good point. Carry on.

Bob: Hang on, was there something I was going to ask you about at the beginning of the episode?

Jesse: Nothing comes to mind. Just keep going with your story. This is very interesting.

Bob: Thanks. I ran into the street but I only looked in one direction.

Jesse: As you just said, you have to look both ways. Did you look right or left when you ran into the street?

Bob: Actually, I just looked straight ahead. Thinking back, a good tip would have been to look to the left and the right as well as looking straight ahead. I really wish we would have recorded this episode before this happened so then I could have warned myself.

Jesse: That's what's great about making mistakes. We get to learn from them when we don't give up. I love what Proverbs chapter 24, verse 16 says. It says, "Even if godly people fall down seven times, they always get up. But those who are evil trip and fall when trouble comes."

Bob: That's good. I fall all the time, but I always get up and try to learn from my mistakes.

Jesse: That's one of the things I really respect about you, AB.

Bob: Thanks, Jesse. It's kind of like James chapter 1, verse 2 and 3, where it says, "Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance." Life is full of times that we fail, but the worst failure is if we don't persevere and keep going.

Jesse: Correct again.

Bob: That's good news. What was I saying? Oh yeah, so a car came flying down the road and slammed on its brakes right in front of me.

Jesse: But it didn't hit you.

Bob: No, it didn't, but I almost became a hood ornament. I didn't, though. I actually know I didn't because I put my hand out and accidentally broke off the car's hood ornament. It was like a cool coyote or something like that.

Jesse: Could it have been a Jaguar?

Bob: No, it was more a silver cat-like thing that you'd find out in the wild running really fast, sort of like if it was late for the school bus or something.

Jesse: That sounds like a Jaguar. Those are really expensive cars, AB.

Bob: Well, he was the one hitting the kid standing in the middle of the road.

Jesse: I thought you said you were running out in the street not looking where you were going.

Bob: I quickly apologized to the driver and then I tossed him his hood ornament. I also handed him a bag of quarters out of my backpack. That was a really nice move on my part.

Jesse: Because you always replace things or you pay for them when you break something?

Bob: Sure, but also because it made my backpack way lighter. It was a ton of quarters. I bet there was like three dollars in there.

Jesse: Was the driver fine with that?

Bob: I guess. I was really late for school at that point, so I didn't wait around to find out. Plus, he almost hit me. He looked really worried until I handed him the silver panther thing, and then he just started laughing.

Jesse: Okay, I guess. Keep going with this.

Bob: I took off running again and I made it to the bus stop just in time to see the bus disappear around the corner.

Jesse: You missed the bus.

Bob: I missed the bus. All that hard work for nothing. If I had gathered my stuff the night before and not turned off my alarm clock and maybe even picked up my toys off the lawn—

Something else happened, Jesse. A car sped around the corner and I braced to almost get hit again. I was thinking maybe the owner of the cheetah hood ornament was coming back to shake me down for my bag of nickels.

Jesse: How many coins do you carry in your backpack?

Bob: That's a good question. It's hard to say, but I guess the answer would be all of them. Let's get back to the story. This car came flying up around the road and then it stopped right next to me.

Jesse: Was it the Jaguar owner saying he needed more coins?

Bob: No, it wasn't. The window rolled down and I heard a voice shout, "Get in!"

Jesse: Are we about to hear another serious announcement? We really need to remind kids not to get into a stranger's vehicle.

Bob: That's really good advice, but no, that's not what I was about to say. Jesse, it was my mom. She evidently had realized there was no way that I was going to catch the bus, so she jumped in her car and followed me up to the bus stop.

Jesse: AB, you've got a great mom.

Bob: I really do. My mom is amazing. Anyway, we sped out—well, we sped, but without speeding at all, in case any police officers may be listening to this. Then we pulled up in front of the school and I made it to class before the bell rang. It was awesome.

Jesse: Besides looking both ways before crossing a street, did you learn anything else from this adventure?

Bob: When I was thinking about telling this story, I was sort of afraid you were going to ask that, but I'm fine admitting it. If I'd gotten out of bed when I was supposed to, or put my backpack by the back door like my dad is always telling me to do, or if I'd even picked up all my stuff from the front lawn, then I would have probably caught the bus.

Or even if I hadn't, I would have had a way easier morning. So I guess I learned to do my chores and follow the rules that my parents have for me. It actually makes life easier. I also learned moms are awesome because they're always looking out for you. Anyway, that's my story. Hang on.

Jesse: You remembered something, didn't you?

Bob: Yes. Jesse, you totally distracted me about the surprise that you had for me. You said you were going to tell me what it was, but then somehow you got me talking about something different.

Jesse: Yeah, I did. I think our listeners are appreciative.

Bob: I have no idea how you did that. I'm usually totally focused on everything that's happening in the moment and telling my story. Wait a minute, is that a new coffee cup?

Jesse: It is, but would you rather hear about my new coffee cup or hear about the surprise?

Bob: The surprise. I want to hear about the surprise. This time nothing's going to distract me.

Jesse: The surprise is that—

Bob: Wait a minute, is that a bear? Is there a bear on that cup? No, don't answer that. Okay, what's the surprise?

Jesse: We're nearing the end of the episode. Did you notice anything missing that normally happens in our other episodes?

Bob: Wait a minute. There have been no Jesse Jokes.

Jesse: That's right. I didn't put in one Jesse Joke. Happy episode 125.

Bob: Okay, this is my favorite episode.

Jesse: It was actually way harder than I thought it would be because my folder is full of school bus and toy and sleeping jokes, but there's another reason why I decided not to do any Jesse Jokes today.

Bob: Whatever the reason is, I love it.

Jesse: What was the reason? We get a lot of jokes sent in by our listeners, but we rarely have time to get to them. Today I thought we'd end by sharing a bunch of jokes that our listeners sent in.

Bob: That is awesome. What a great surprise. Can I read some of them?

Jesse: There's a sheet of paper in front of you with several of them.

Bob: How did that get there?

Jesse: It's been sitting in front of you this entire time.

Bob: I must have been focusing on that bear coffee cup. Okay, so I have some, you have some too, right? Jesse, why don't you go first?

Jesse: Great. Brianna Y sent us this one: Two fish are in a tank and one turns to the other and says, "Any idea how to drive this thing?"

Bob: That doesn't make any sense. So I guess it is like a Jesse Joke. Okay, here's another fish one and this one came from Bailey: Where do fish keep their money? In a river bank.

Jesse: That one makes sense, like cents, C-E-N-T-S? Never mind. Judah from Arizona sent us this one: What do you call it when you hit a joke book with a tree branch?

Bob: I don't know, but I know I've wanted to hit your Jesse Joke book with a bunch of different items. Let's hear Judah's answer. What do you call it when you hit a joke book with a tree branch?

Jesse: Slapstick comedy.

Bob: That's actually the best one so far. Let's see if we can beat it. "Beat it," the slapstick joke? I'm funny today. Marlena sent us this one: Why should you never have a soccer player change a lightbulb?

Jesse: I have no idea.

Bob: Because they can only use their feet.

Jesse: That's a good visual. Micah K asks: What do you get when you combine a cow with a rooster?

Bob: A cow and a rooster. An animal that wakes you up with a fresh glass of milk?

Jesse: I actually like that. It's a good guess, but it's actually a mooster. And you know what sound it makes?

Bob: Maybe a giant groan like I just did after hearing that punchline?

Jesse: No, it goes, "Cock-a-doodle-moo."

Bob: Okay, that totally saved that joke. Well done. Here's another wordplay joke from Jed Jolly. Jed Jolly may be the coolest name ever. I wonder if he has a sister named Holly?

Jesse: Like Holly Jolly? That's good. But what joke did Jed send in?

Bob: Jed sent in this one: What do you call a lumberjack that naps? A slumberjack.

Jesse: Pretty good. Paul sent in two really good ones: What do you call an angry carrot?

Bob: An angry—I want to figure this one out. An angry carrot. A hot top?

Jesse: Nope, a steamed vegetable.

Bob: I should have gotten that one. What was his second joke?

Jesse: Did you know that Jesus had a Honda?

Bob: What? No, he didn't have a Honda.

Jesse: Well, he must have because the Bible tells us that he did not speak of his own Accord.

Bob: It actually does say that. That's a nice joke, Paul. Samuel asks what a pig says on a really hot day.

Jesse: What does a pig say on a hot day?

Bob: "Wow, it's so hot, I'm bacon, man!"

Jesse: I like that. Will asks what you call a sleeping bull.

Bob: A mooster snoozer? Wait, that's from the other joke.

Jesse: Will says a sleeping bull is called a bulldozer.

Bob: That's even better. I like this one, Haley sent this one in: What did the burger say to the mustard just before lunch?

Jesse: Does it have something to do with a tomato?

Bob: You're so close. It said, "Lettuce pray."

Jesse: Speaking of food, Troy asked us what the chip said to the salsa.

Bob: Can we do any other kind of dance?

Jesse: Why would—oh wait, because salsa is a kind of dance. That's a good one, Bob. I'm kind of surprised you know what salsa dancing is.

Bob: My mom watches this dancing show on TV and she makes me watch it with her.

Jesse: She makes you watch it?

Bob: The truth is I kind of love—so you got another one? This is fun, Jesse. Do another one.

Jesse: I didn't even finish this one.

Bob: Sorry, okay, so what did the chip say to the salsa?

Jesse: "You want to go for a dip?"

Bob: That's good. Do you know what the birthday present said to the boy?

Jesse: No.

Bob: "Let's wrap this up!"

Jesse: That is a good one. Who sent that one in?

Bob: That was me. I can see our producer guy telling us to wrap it up, so I wanted to make sure that we ended on a really good joke.

Jesse: Well done, Bob. Huge thanks to everyone who sent in jokes. That was really fun. Let us know if you have more jokes in the comments after you've given us a five-star rating, of course. Let us know if you want us to do more fan jokes like we just did.

All right, you want to take us out, Jesse?

Jesse: Absolutely. We hope everyone enjoyed today's official Average Boy podcast, a presentation of Focus on the Family. If you haven't heard our other episodes, you can go back and listen to them all at averageboypodcast.com.

Parents, while you're on that website, click on the parents page to subscribe to Focus on the Family Clubhouse magazine. This award-winning magazine features an award-winning and humorous Adventures of Average Boy story every single month.

Bob: And just below the Clubhouse magazine sign-up link, parents can also click on the link to buy my devotional books, Devotions for Super Average Kids books one and two, or my two new books, Average Boy's Above Average Year and Average Boy's Above Average Summer. All four books are filled with lots of laughs, encouragement, and cool ways to grow closer to God.

Jesse: Also, we love hearing from our listeners and I think we proved that today. If you want to leave a voicemail, comment, question, or joke, just click in the link in the show notes and follow the instructions. Be sure to get your parent's permission because we might use your question or comment on a future episode, kind of like we did today.

Bob: Thanks for listening, everyone. I'm Bob.

Jesse: And I'm Jesse, telling you: don't be average.

Bob: Be super average. Actually, it looks more like a moose.

Jesse: What looks like a moose?

Bob: That thing on your new coffee cup.