The Official Average Boy Podcast

Jesse: Welcome to episode 134 of the Official Average Boy Podcast. I'm Jesse from Focus on the Family Clubhouse Magazine.

Bob Smiley: And I'm Bob Smiley, aka Average Boy, aka the funny, fascinating, fearless fighter of fear-flinging fuzzy flapping flyers.

Jesse: Fuzzy flapping flyers? Fascinating.

Bob Smiley: Oh, it's going to be. The story I have today is going to be pretty intense. In fact, I probably should warn all our listeners. Listeners, here's a warning. If you scare easily, you might really want to...

Jesse: Hang on, AB. Are you about to suggest our listeners shouldn't listen to this episode? I mean, how scary is your story?

Bob Smiley: It is super scary. If this story was a food item, it would be a bowl of broccoli, coconut, and carrot soup. Well, that actually sounds pretty good to me. Jesse, you should get your taste buds checked out.

To answer your other question, no, I wasn't going to say our listeners shouldn't listen today. If they frighten easily, I was going to say our listeners should listen to this episode maybe two or three times all the way through today, after giving us a good rating, of course.

We've said this before, but it's important that we face our fears. So, if you scare easily, why don't you face your fears today and listen to this episode at least twice? Facing your fears just makes you stronger, and I know because that's what I did this week, and I feel way stronger.

Jesse: And the fear you were facing this week was a fear of flinging fuzzy flapping flyers?

Bob Smiley: It was. Well said, Jesse. I had to battle a red wasp in order to save my family.

Jesse: Let's act like the time the skunk ran out and scared you and Billy down by the creek.

Bob Smiley: I get it. Let's jump right in.

Jesse: Correct. Leap away.

Bob Smiley: Let's go. I think I should start by telling everyone the wasp I was facing was no ordinary wasp. This thing had a stinger the size of a spear. Its wings looked like two giant kites attached on either side of a huge plate of red body armor. This thing probably had to check with air traffic control before taking off. In other words, listeners, this wasp was the Donny of the wasp community.

Jesse: I really don't like wasps either because they're just a bunch of wannabes. Wannabe bees.

Bob Smiley: I never thought I'd say this, but I wish I was back battling that wasp instead of sitting here listening to this.

Jesse: The joke folder is closed. Tell us, where were you when you battled this winged creature?

Bob Smiley: The main battle took place in our kitchen. The wasp was buzzing around the stove like a fighter jet looking for a target, and I was pretty sure the target it was looking for was me.

Jesse: Why do you think it was looking for you?

Bob Smiley: Well, I had thrown something at it. You see, I was outside seeing if the garden hose would stretch up on the roof.

Jesse: Why did you want to see if the garden hose would stretch up on the roof?

Bob Smiley: I don't think that's important right now. What is important was I heard a scream, and I knew it was my mom. So I rushed into the kitchen just in time to see her duck into the pantry, and then I saw it. Jesse, a prehistoric flying stinging machine.

Jesse: Prehistoric, huh?

Bob Smiley: Yeah, prehistoric. The thing was about to make history by scaring the entire Smiley family into the pantry, so that's pre-history, so prehistoric.

Jesse: That's not what the word means. Please continue.

Bob Smiley: So I ran into the kitchen as this thing was about to make another circle to survey its new surroundings. Then I think it sensed a new target had just entered the game. I froze as this sting-a-saurus headed right toward me. Fortunately, though, I had a giant work glove in my hand, so I threw the glove at this wannabe 747 to hopefully knock it off course.

Jesse: Sting-a-saurus and wannabe 747. Nice visual verbiage. So did you hit the wasp with the glove?

Bob Smiley: No, he caught it and put it on. Okay, that's not true, but that's a really funny thing to picture. Actually, the wasp flew around the glove, and by changing its course, it gave me time to run out into the garage and slam the door shut.

Jesse: So your mom is in the pantry, and you ran out to the garage?

Bob Smiley: Yep, and the stab-a-raptor was in the kitchen. Things got really bad then. I mean, really, really bad.

Jesse: What happened?

Bob Smiley: That's when my brother showed up.

Jesse: And he got stung?

Bob Smiley: No, it's just always bad when he shows up.

Jesse: AB, that's not fair.

Bob Smiley: Okay, that's just another joke, Jesse. Our listeners know that my brother's younger than me. Anyway, I told Brian what was happening. I told him there's a giant airborne sewing machine holding Mom hostage in the pantry.

Jesse: You're very descriptive today. I like it. But one quick question: how did a wasp that big get into your house? And don't say that it's not important right now because I think our listeners would like to know.

Bob Smiley: No, I actually think that's a great question, but we really don't know for sure. It could have disguised itself as our dog. But Mom thinks it might have gotten in when I left the back door open for just a little bit.

Jesse: For just a little bit? How long is a little bit?

Bob Smiley: According to the Ring camera that we checked later, the door was open for just under an hour. So that's probably not how it got in. I'm still going with the disguised dog theory. But let's get back to my story.

Mom was still trapped in the pantry. I knew she needed a hero, and it was time to take an imaginary courage pill. I needed to go inside and face the speedy stinger eye to many eyes.

Jesse: Eye to many eyes. I'm actually impressed. Do you know how many eyes a wasp has?

Bob Smiley: I actually do. I learned it in school last year. Wasps have five eyes. Two large ones on the sides and then three little eyes on top of their head. Ocelli.

Jesse: And origami back at you, my Italian-accented friend. No, ocelli is the name of the three eyes on top of a wasp's head.

Bob Smiley: Oh, okay, cool. Anyway, I was heading into this battle, and I knew I was outnumbered two to five. But honestly, I think moments like these are important in growing up. I think every boy needs a moment where he has a chance to man up and be a hero.

Jesse: So you ran into the kitchen and faced your fear?

Bob Smiley: No, I turned to my brother and I said, "Why don't you go in first?"

Jesse: AB, what happened to being the hero?

Bob Smiley: Well, sometimes I like to give my brother a chance to be the hero. It's good for him.

Jesse: That's very thoughtful of you.

Bob Smiley: Thanks. I'm a really nice brother. I wish my brother would try being one sometime. Anyway, I said, "Why don't you go in first?" And he said, "You're the one who left the back door open. I know because it was open when I was heading down to the creek, so I closed it. We can check the Ring camera later if you're not busy getting stung."

Jesse: It sounds like your brother might have been a hero by closing the door that you left open and preventing numerous other winged creatures from getting into your house.

Bob Smiley: Okay, yeah, that's fair. That's probably true, but I thought this might be a good time for him to face his fears. Plus, I knew I'd be facing my fears once my parents looked at that Ring cam footage and saw how long that door had been left open.

Jesse: That's a good point and understandable. It costs money to run the air conditioner to keep a house cool, and leaving the door or a window open is just letting money blow out of the house.

Bob Smiley: You must have been talking to my dad because he says the same thing. But at the time, I wasn't thinking about all that. At the time, all I cared about was saving my mom.

Jesse: Let's get back to that. What happened next?

Bob Smiley: Actually, you're going to like this part of the story because it involves a bunch of Jesse jokes, and you don't even have to open your folder. In fact, you probably should not do it ever again.

I'm just joking, Jesse, but here's what happened. My brother said, "I'm right behind you, big bro. Well, not right behind you. In fact, I may go out to the garage around the house and watch outside through the kitchen window. I've never seen someone get stung before." Jesse, my brother's terrible at giving encouraging speeches.

Jesse: I actually have to agree with you this time. So he wasn't going to be any help at all, huh?

Bob Smiley: No, as per usual. But I knew it was time. It was time for me to step up and be a man. Jesse, it was time for battle. I grabbed some super thick gardening gloves. I put on a giant winter coat that I found in a tub on the shelves, and oh, I also found a puzzle piece in the pocket of the coat, and that was a puzzle piece that we'd been looking for for almost a year.

Last Christmas, we did this giant puzzle in our living room. It was of a snowy barn, but we couldn't find the last piece. But boom, I found it in the coat pocket. So that part was cool. We also had a tub on top of the shelf that my slingshot was in, and it also had my arm sling that I got from the hospital. Do you remember that time that I thought I could climb up on the...

Jesse: AB, how long were you looking through all this stuff in the garage while your mom was trapped in the pantry? It sounds like you got distracted.

Bob Smiley: Not at all, Jesse. I was gathering my gear for battle. I was totally focused on the challenge that lay ahead. Okay, I did do two sides of a Rubik's Cube that I found in another storage tub, but eventually, I grabbed my dad's motorcycle helmet and the flyswatter that we keep hanging on the nail right outside the door that goes into the kitchen. Jesse, I was padded and protected and ready for the air raid. Well, kind of.

Jesse: What do you mean kind of? It sounds like you were ready.

Bob Smiley: Well, my parents need to get a better flyswatter. This thing was made in the late 1900s. The top corner part of the swatter was cracked off from years of battling winged kitchen intruders, but it was all I had. Then my brother popped back in the garage.

Jesse: He decided to help you after all?

Bob Smiley: I wish. This was the part that I was talking about that I think you'd like. Brian said, "Well, you going in or what? I'm getting bored standing outside the kitchen window, and Mom keeps peeking out of the pantry door."

So I knew it was time. I threw on my motorcycle helmet and I told Brian that I was ready to go in. And then he said, and this is the part you're going to like, Jesse. My brother said, "Hey, this is un-bee-lievable because it's your first undercover sting operation."

Jesse: Well played, Brian.

Bob Smiley: Oh, it gets worse. I said, "Really? You're sending me in there with bad wasp puns?"

Jesse: We should, I think, maybe have your brother on the podcast one day. He could start looking through my Jesse joke folder.

Bob Smiley: Oh, honestly, he would love that. In fact, when I said, "You're sending me in there with bad wasp puns," he said, "So you got this, big bro. Just go wing it."

Jesse: Another great joke. But I have a question. Did you run into the kitchen singing a wasp's favorite song to make it feel comfortable?

Bob Smiley: No, I didn't want it to feel more... Wait, why would singing... Oh no. No. I see. Well, a wasp's favorite song is Sting-in in the Rain. It's still funny.

Anyway, this wasp was about to find out that no one scares my mom but me. Instead of singing, I let out a loud warrior cry. Oh, it was so good. Hey, producer guy, can we get a loud warrior cry sound effect thingy? Can you do that?

Yeah, so that's exactly how I sounded.

Jesse: Uh-huh.

Bob Smiley: Hey, you weren't there. Anyway, I rushed into the kitchen, swinging wildly at anything that moved. The motorcycle helmet was tinted, so it was kind of hard to see, but I could feel my flyswatter making contact, so I just kept swatting away. That's when I felt a tight squeeze on my shoulder. Jesse, I thought the wasp was going to pick me up and had plans on flying me away.

Jesse: How big do you think this wasp was? A wasp generally can carry about 300% of its own body weight, so there's really no way it could have picked you up.

Bob Smiley: Jesse, sorry to interrupt, sir, but we've been over this. It's not a math podcast. But you are right. It wasn't the wasp. It was my dad. Dad had snuck in, grabbed my shoulder, and then he said, "Why are you swatting our coffee maker?"

Jesse: Well, hang on. Where was the wasp?

Bob Smiley: That's exactly what I was thinking. I pulled up the face shield of the helmet and I glanced around. I was looking for the giant stab-a-saurus, but then Dad made a joke.

Jesse: He made a joke? What did he say?

Bob Smiley: Well, I said, "Dad, there's a giant wasp in here," and he said, "Oh yeah, I saw the little fellow. I opened the back door and shooed him outside. I think he was frightened."

What? Frightened? Tiny thing? Jesse, my dad could have ridden that thing out the back door. Anyway, Dad asked why I had his winter coat on, which reminded me to ask him why he had a puzzle piece in his jacket pocket.

Jesse, I think he swiped it when we first started the puzzle so he could be the person to put in the last piece to finish off the puzzle. But the puzzle was huge, so it took a few days to complete. So I think he forgot when he took his coat off because we were kind of past the three days that it stays cold in Texas.

Anyway, when I asked him about the puzzle piece, he quickly changed the subject. Also, Mom came out of the pantry with a really well-planned out meal for dinner. She had lots of time in that pantry. Anyway, it all turned out okay.

Jesse: And your dad ended up being the hero.

Bob Smiley: Yep, Dad and I ended up being the heroes. And it was a good reminder to always face your fears. But it doesn't hurt to have a brave parent to back you up now and then.

Jesse: That's true. And your story is a good reminder of that. We need to be cautious in life but not fearful. Isaiah chapter 41, verse 10 makes that point by saying, "So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."

Bob Smiley: I love that verse, especially my favorite part where God just comes right out and says it: "For I am your God." That's so good. And that should take away any fear that we have in this world because we know that God is with us. Speaking of fear, that scared me.

Jesse: Okay, well, we better wrap this up. Do you have any listener comments that you want to end on? Wait, actually, hang on. I have a question for you. Do you know what an editor's favorite cereal is?

Bob Smiley: Favorite... I know an editor's favorite soup would be alphabet soup. Oh yeah, Jesse, I keep meaning to ask you. Does it bother you when a restaurant spells its name wrong, like will you not eat at a place called Country Cooking, but they spell it with a K instead of a C?

Jesse: I would definitely not eat there. If they can't spell right, they probably can't cook right.

Bob Smiley: Yeah. So, what is an editor's favorite cereal?

Jesse: Synonym Toast Crunch.

Bob Smiley: That's so good. I thought you'd like that one. And make sure Brian hears that too. I also thought that we should credit who sent that comment in. We got that joke from David A. from Canada.

Okay, hang on. David A? Does his last name start with A, or is that just how he says his name because he's from Canada? "I'm David, eh?"

Jesse: Actually, he does put a Canadian "eh" in part of his letter. Here's everything that he wrote. He said, "Hey, AB, I'm David from Quebec, Canada. First, will you write a fifth book or make a movie of your adventures? And second, he had a joke: What do dentists call X-rays? Tooth-picks. And third, he says, Jesse, will you please stop telling Jesse jokes, eh?"

But then he finishes with this: "I love your podcast a lot."

Bob Smiley: That's two words. Did he put two words?

Jesse: He did put two words.

Bob Smiley: Oh, that's great. And tooth-pics. That's a great punchline. But okay, as for a fifth book, well, I am actually excited.

Jesse: Actually, let's not answer that one just yet. There will be a fifth book. We can say that, and we're working on it right now, but we don't have the exact timing of when it will be published.

Bob Smiley: Okay, fine, but as for making a movie, I'm hoping yes is the answer also. If Adventures in Odyssey: The Movie goes well, I don't see how an Average Boy movie wouldn't be next. And I agree about those Jesse jokes, David, eh?

Jesse: Okay, well, this was fun, but we're at the end of today's Official Average Boy Podcast, a presentation of Focus on the Family. If you haven't heard our other episodes, you can go back and listen to them all at averageboypodcast.com.

And parents, if you're on that website, click on the parents' page to subscribe to Focus on the Family Clubhouse Magazine. This award-winning magazine features an award-winning and humorous Adventures of Average Boy story every month.

Bob Smiley: And just below the Clubhouse Magazine sign-up link, parents can also click on the link to buy my first four books: Devotions for Super Average Kids, books one and two, or my comedy books, Average Boy's Above Average Year and Average Boy's Above Average Summer. All four books are filled with lots of laughs, encouragement, and ways to grow closer to God.

Well, thanks for listening, everyone. I'm Bob.

Jesse: And I'm Jesse, telling you, don't be average. Be super average.

Bob Smiley: Oh, hey Jesse.

Jesse: Yeah?

Bob Smiley: I think I left the front door to the studio open.