The Official Adventures in Odyssey Podcast

Bob: The name's Bob, see. I've been doing this job for years. Seen plenty of wins. Mostly wins, come to think of it. A few flubs and more envelopes than I care to count.

All in all, it's been a fun ride. But there comes a time when the ride slows down. The attendant says to wait to unbuckle your seatbelt until it's come to a full and complete stop, and then you get off to go find the next ride.

Well, that's where I'm at now. Retirement is two days away. I'm done. I'm in the exit queue. I'm scanning the horizon for the next thrill. Least, that's what I should be doing. Instead, I'm sitting here in my office listening to Jesse yammering on about one last headache with my name on it.

Jesse: So yeah, it's fixed! Or at least it's going to be.

Bob: Huh? Fixed? What's fixed? If it's fixed, that's good, isn't it?

Jesse: Ain't you listening, Bob? I'm talking about this year's Avery Awards. Someone's trying to fix them. You know, rig them. Make it so the votes don't count. To cheat!

Bob: Oh yeah? How'd you hear about this?

Jesse: She's in the foyer.

Bob: She? Right on cue, Jesse opened the door. That's when I saw her. A drink of—easy on the brass, man. You're stepping all over my hard-boiled metaphor.

Jesse: Sorry!

Bob: That's better. Now, as I was saying, that's when I saw her. A drink of water of moderate height with eyes as sharp as knives and a very modest dress that would look right at home at church on Sunday morning. Hemline all the way past her ankles. She walked in like a cold breeze on the beach: slow, steady, and unwelcome.

Shona Rodman: Nice ceiling fan.

Bob: Thanks. I got it set to slow and over-dramatic. What's your name, dame?

Shona Rodman: Rodman. Shona Rodman.

Bob: Oh yeah, I heard of you. Odyssey actress, right?

Shona Rodman: When the mood suits me.

Bob: Yeah, well, what are you doing darkening my door?

Shona Rodman: I wouldn't call this a door. This is the entrance to your cubicle.

Bob: Not for long. Don't you know I'm on my way out?

Jesse: I already told you, Bob. She said—

Bob: I want to hear it from her, kid.

Jesse: We're the same age, man!

Shona Rodman: Like he says, you already know. The Averys are fixed.

Bob: So I keep hearing. What's your proof?

Shona Rodman: I've got a line on the inside.

Bob: Yeah? This line got a name?

Shona Rodman: They call him the Canary.

Bob: Because he sings?

Shona Rodman: Because of the yellow hat. He'll tell you what's going down.

Bob: I'd like to talk to him.

Shona Rodman: Tonight. Nine. You'll find him under the shady overpass off Third.

Jesse: The one always casting shadow where the vague definition of headlights can be seen through the perpetual fog as they pass by?

Shona Rodman: That's the one.

Bob: I knew it like the back of my head. It's the premier location for back-alley nighttime meetings. The Canary must have booked it weeks in advance.

This is the place.

Jesse: No kidding. You see our guy? She said he'd be wearing a yellow hat.

Bob: How are we supposed to tell? Everything's in black and white.

Jesse: Come on, kid.

Bob: Again, same age!

Jesse: You've been in the business long enough to know. Not everything's black and white. There are always shades of gray.

Bob: That still wouldn't help us see yellow.

Jesse: There! I see him!

Bob: How do you know?

Jesse: He's dressed like a bird. Let's go. I assume you're the Canary?

The Canary: Safe assumption.

Bob: A safer one than coming here. Were you followed?

The Canary: What are we, amateurs? You tell me. Empty your pockets.

Bob: For what? You think we're packing?

The Canary: Can't be too careful. Aha! You are packing!

Jesse: Jesse, how could you bring those?

Bob: I never leave home without a few packs of my Adventures in Odyssey trading cards.

Jesse: I apologize for my sidekick here. He's young.

Bob: We were in high school at the same time! And there are ultra-rare cards in each pack!

The Canary: I know that. People see you with those, you'll get mobbed. You keep them out of sight, okay?

Bob: They were out of sight until you made me empty my pockets!

The Canary: And now for you.

Jesse: All right.

The Canary: And what's this?

Jesse: It's nothing. Just the award for Best Actor.

The Canary: Hmm. Says here it went to Robbie Bruce as Buck in "Value of a Buck." Never heard of him.

Jesse: Then you ain't listening to the right audio dramas, friend. Now, if we're done with the pleasantries, we heard you have information.

The Canary: I might. But why don't you do yourself a favor and forget you ever heard anything about this?

Jesse: Are you saying I might not feel so well digging into this?

The Canary: Something like that, yeah.

Jesse: That's an occupational hazard, I'm afraid. Now spill!

The Canary: Don't say I didn't warn you. All right. Yeah, someone's planning to fix the Avery Awards this year.

Jesse: Who are they?

The Canary: Word is, they go by The House.

Bob: Sounds dangerous. Or recently listed.

Jesse: Where can we find them?

The Canary: Down at the— Canary!

Bob: Bob, I think they got him!

Jesse: I'm afraid the Canary's croaked.

The Canary: Not you. I'm fine.

Bob: Canary! We thought you were—

Bob: You gasped, and then you fell over!

The Canary: I heard a gunshot! What was I supposed to do, stand around and wait to see where the next one landed?

Bob: Hold still. There's something stuck in your hat.

The Canary: It's a foam dart! That wasn't a gun shot. Let me see that. There's a note wrapped around it.

Jesse: What's it say?

The Canary: "Keep your beak shut." Written in crayon.

Bob: Chilling.

Jesse: The handwriting's very neat.

Bob: Even more chilling.

The Canary: They don't want me talking. I'm getting out of here.

Jesse: Not so fast. You better tell us where to find The House.

The Canary: Forget it. I like breathing. I also don't like getting pelted with kids' recreational equipment.

Bob: But you can't leave us with nothing!

The Canary: I already said too much!

Jesse: You said "Down at the" and then you left us with nothing but ellipses. Down at the docks? Down at the station? Down at the bottom of a bowl of alphabet soup?

The Canary: I can't help you. They're reloading!

Jesse: Canary, wait!

The Canary: You never saw me. I was never here. This hat is green!

Bob: It's yellow!

The Canary: Not in black and white!

Bob: Well, that was the most surprising return I've seen all night.

Jesse: Second most surprising.

Bob: What was the first?

Jesse: Funny you should ask, kid. Give me the envelope.

Bob: Bob, now?

Jesse: Crime doesn't stop the Avery Awards, and the Avery Awards don't stop for crime. The Avery Award for Most Surprising Return goes to Mrs. Maddux in "Just Another Day." Congratulations, Mrs. Maddux.

Now let's figure out where our feathered friend was trying to send us.

Bob: Maybe there's another message on this dart. No message, but there's a stamp on the side. What's it say?

Jesse: Property of Adventures in Odyssey Club Activity Department.

Bob: The Club.

Jesse: You don't think—

Bob: I do. The House is down at the Club.

Jesse: The Club sat downtown, wedged between the warehouses and the train tracks, across from a FroYo joint where the dessert was cold, the toppings were unlimited, and nobody asked too many questions. Half-off Tuesdays, my favorite.

From the outside, it looked innocent. Too innocent.

Bob: Looks like a clubhouse to me.

Jesse: That's how they get you.

Bob: There's a swing set.

Jesse: Perfect place for a criminal to go back and forth on an issue.

Bob: And an Abendigo slide. Three stories!

Jesse: A slippery slope into corruption.

Bob: Look at the sign. The Adventures in Odyssey Club.

Jesse: The House had hidden its headquarters in the one place nobody would ever suspect: a safe, wholesome, family-friendly club for Adventures in Odyssey fans.

We work here, Bob.

Jesse: Exactly. They've been right under our noses the whole time. Let's go in.

Bob: We stepped inside. The room was dim, smoky, and filled with dangerous-looking characters.

Jesse: It isn't smoky, Bob. And those are kids making friendship bracelets.

Bob: Probably a front.

Jesse: For what?

Bob: Friendship. In the corner, a lonely piano man tickled the ivories like they owed him money.

John Campbell: Well, they do owe me money. Piano lessons aren't cheap. I'm building atmosphere. With every note and melody, I help adventures soar. And "On the Edge," parts one and two, won Best Musical Score!

Bob: Way to go! Congratulations, John. Well, we know who won another award.

Jesse: Yeah, the Canary led us to the right place.

Bob: Somewhere inside this cheerful family clubhouse was the cold, rotten heart of The House.

Jesse: Ooh, look! They have root beer floats!

Jesse: Tempting, but we're on the job.

Bob: They're half-price tonight!

Jesse: We'll take two. The floats were cold. Too cold. The ice cream sat on top like a scoop of vanilla trouble.

Bob: Mine has sprinkles!

Jesse: Delicious trouble.

The Boss: Smith-Houser.

Jesse: The voice came from the back of the room. It was the kind of voice that could make a phone book sound like a threat, if anyone still knew what a phone book was.

The Boss: Bring your floats. I don't like wasted ice cream.

Jesse: He sat alone beneath a hanging lamp. A broad-shouldered mug in a dark suit, surrounded by two mooks in darker suits. They looked like they'd just come from the board meeting of Novacom itself.

Bob: Who are you?

The Boss: Around here, they call me the Boss.

Jesse: So, you run the Club?

The Boss: I run everything. The snack bar, the craft table, the ping-pong tournament.

Bob: What about the Abendigo slide?

The Boss: Nobody runs the slide. You sit and let gravity do the work. But you're with The House.

Jesse: That depends who's asking.

Jesse: The name's Bob.

The Boss: I know who you are.

Jesse: Then why'd you ask?

The Boss: It's a noir cliché. I'm contractually obligated to be evasive.

Jesse: Fair enough. We heard The House is planning to fix the Avery Awards.

The Boss: And you believed it.

Jesse: I got it from a reliable source.

The Boss: The Canary?

Jesse: You know him.

The Boss: Everybody knows the Canary. Yellow hat, nervous disposition, owes twelve dollars in overdue Club snack bar charges.

Jesse: Somebody tried to silence him. Foam dart.

The Boss: You know about that, too? Club Activity Department. We've been trying to recall those launchers for weeks. Suction cups stick to everything.

Jesse: This one came with a threat.

The Boss: Yeah. That wasn't us. Recognize her? Shona Rodman. The one in the incredibly modest dress? She came here a few nights ago. Sat right where you're sitting.

Bob: What did she want?

The Boss: Same thing you do. Information about the Avery Awards. Only she wasn't asking who was fixing them.

Jesse: What was she asking?

The Boss: How to make it look like you were fixing them. John, you mind?

John Campbell: Sorry. The sax got the entrance, the piano gets the plot twist.

Bob: Shona's setting up Bob?

Jesse: She's been setting him up from the beginning. She came to me, she brought me the case. She didn't need a detective; she needed a fall guy. I'm the fall guy.

The Boss: You're quick. I've been doing this a long time.

Jesse: She knew you'd take the bait. A mysterious dame, a rigged award ceremony, one last case before retirement.

Bob: Maybe this case will take a really long time and Bob won't retire!

Jesse: Two days. I'm retiring in two days no matter what.

The Boss: Shona said you'd show up with the Avery results in your pocket.

Jesse: I'm one of the hosts! Of course I got the results.

The Boss: That's not how it'll look when the authorities find them. Look at this. Photographs of you meeting a known informant. Copies of the winner cards. A written plan for altering the votes.

Jesse: I never wrote any plan!

Bob: "Bob's Secret Plan for Illegally Rigging the Avery Awards. Written by Bob."

The Boss: Seems a little obvious. There's a signed confession too.

Jesse: I didn't sign nothing!

Bob: The signature sure looks like yours.

Jesse: Let me see that. That ain't my signature! She did spell Smith-Houser right. She worked at this.

Jesse: Shona thought of everything. Almost everything. She didn't count on me walking in here.

The Boss: Sure she did. She told us exactly when you'd arrive.

Jesse: Then where is she?

The Boss: Long gone. Left us with the evidence and this.

Bob: Another award envelope?

The Boss: Best Script. Shona wanted it kept away from you.

Jesse: Why?

The Boss: Maybe she didn't like the script. Maybe she had a bad experience with the courier font. I don't ask questions.

Jesse: Well, I do!

Lefty Lucy: Not so fast.

Jesse: Which one of you?

Lefty Lucy: Lefty Lucy.

Righty Tighty: And him? Righty Tighty.

Bob: You guys must work together a lot.

Lefty Lucy: I never send one without the other. Let him have the envelope, boys. It won't help him now.

Jesse: Fine. The winner for Best Script is "On the Edge," parts one and two!

Bob: It won Best Musical Score and Best Script!

The Boss: The House respects a repeat customer.

Jesse: This result is legitimate.

The Boss: Of course it is. All the results are legitimate.

Bob: Then nobody's actually fixing the Averys? I'm having trouble keeping up with this labyrinth of plot twists. Whatever happened to mysteries where the butler just did it?

The Boss: Are you really that slow, bright boy? Somebody wants people to think the results are rigged. And when the investigators start asking questions, every clue will point to your pal, Bob.

Jesse: The dame handed me a case and then put me inside it.

The Boss: Wow, Bob. That's poetry.

Jesse: It's apropos noir narration.

The Boss: Thin line. Yeah? He's here. Yeah, both of them. Understood.

Bob: Who was that?

The Boss: Just a confirmation that the police are almost here. They've been told Bob Smith-Houser is carrying stolen Avery results.

Bob: You've been stalling!

The Boss: Guilty.

Jesse: Then we're leaving!

The Boss: Afraid I can't allow that.

Jesse: And why not?

The Boss: House rules. Nobody leaves during a scheduled activity.

Bob: What activity is this?

The Boss: A little game I like to call Capture the Podcast Host.

Jesse: I love that game! The room was closing in like a mousetrap on a doomed rodent. Every exit was blocked by hard-looking mooks with soft pretzels.

Bob: Hey, that one has cheese!

The Boss: Sit down, Bob. Have another root beer. Wait for the authorities.

Jesse: Sorry, I got a retirement to get to.

Bob: What are we going to do, Bob?

Jesse: Remember those trading cards the Canary made you empty out?

Bob: Yeah?

Jesse: You still got them?

Bob: Of course! Ultra-rares in every pack!

Jesse: You better believe it. I got these at the Focus on the Family Welcome Center Bookstore!

Bob: Then deal them out!

Bob: Free Adventures in Odyssey trading cards!

Mooks: Trading cards! I got an ultra-rare! Is that a Blackgaard virus card? Vance King! I'll trade two Wootons for a Crystal Lewis!

The Boss: Don't fall for it, boys! The House always wins!

Mook: I got the Aram card!

Mook: Give me that one!

Jesse: Now, kid! Bob, Jesse, wait!

Bob: What?

Jesse: Take this. It says the award for Best Sound Design goes to "On the Edge," parts one and two!

Bob: That episode is really cleaning up this year.

Jesse: That paper fell out of Shona's purse. She ordered three grand pianos from a warehouse. That's the receipt. Look on the other side.

Bob: It says "On the Edge" on this side, too! Well, the warehouse is on the edge of town. Get it? All I know is that you should head to that warehouse to find out how to untie this Gordian knot. Maybe literally. Go, now! I'll cover your escape!

Jesse: Come on, Jesse!

Bob: Could we stop for frozen yogurt?

Jesse: We just had root beer floats!

Bob: That wasn't a no!

Bob: This is it. Spare Keys Piano Storage and Wholesale.

Jesse: A piano warehouse with a pun in the name? That's never a good sign.

Jesse: Inside were enough pianos to make Mozart blush. Uprights, grands, baby grands, grand-baby grands, plus those little toy ones for toddlers that play xylophone chimes. And all of them suspended by precarious-looking ropes at least twelve feet above the concrete floor.

Bob: Bob, why is there music in the air?

Jesse: They probably keep them hanging for storage.

Bob: But there's nothing but empty space on the floor.

Jesse: Dramatic storage.

Bob: You know, in every movie I've seen, when a guy is two days away from retirement and walks underneath something heavy hanging from a roof—

Jesse: Don't start.

Bob: I'm just saying, statistically, this building has a very low retirement rate.

Jesse: The kid had a point.

Bob: Bob, I'll show you my driver's license. I'm not a kid. We were born in the same—

Jesse: Mrs. Rodman, why don't you come on out?

Bob: You think she's still here?

Jesse: I'd bet the farm.

Bob: You have a farm?

Jesse: O'Reilly Farm trading card. Mint condition.

Bob: Oh, let's trade sometime!

Shona Rodman: Well done, Bob. You followed the clues I left behind like an energetic preschool show host. Can you say "clue" in Spanish? Oh, sorry. Force of habit.

Jesse: Why are you doing this, Shona?

Shona Rodman: I knew you wouldn't come into the warehouse willingly, so I had to let your conscience lead you into my little trap.

Jesse: Not the elaborate deception. That's an obligatory noir story trope, so you had no choice. I meant, why rig the Averys?

Shona Rodman: Why don't you read that piece of paper by your feet and see if you can figure it out?

Bob: She's right. There is a piece of paper.

Jesse: Let me see that. What's it say?

Bob: It's the winner of the Most Powerful Salvation Story: Jules Kendall in "On the Edge," parts one and two!

Jesse: That's Shona's character!

Bob: I don't get it.

Shona Rodman: Keep digging, gumshoe. The paper's got two sides.

Best Actress: Shona Rodman.

Shona Rodman: Exactly! I just keep winning! My mantle is running out of room for all these awards. My hand hurts from signing so many autographs. I'm so busy with these awards that I keep having to hand roles over to Scarlett Johansson. Someone else deserves to win for once!

Jesse: So this is a wrong-thing-for-the-right-reason kind of thing? Isn't there an episode about that?

Bob: Oh yeah! "Rights, Wrongs, and Reasons," episode 217!

Jesse: I was speaking rhetorically, Jesse. This doesn't sound like you, Rodman.

Shona Rodman: Then I guess you don't know me very well. Not that it matters. You won't be here much longer!

Bob: Bob!

Jesse: Sorry, I bumped a lever. That scared me. I'm fine, but the piano's B-flat.

Bob: It's a good thing you can see sharp! But Shona said that you wouldn't be here much longer, and then—

Shona Rodman: I meant that the police are here! Good grief, you really thought I was going to drop a piano on him?

Bob: I don't know. You seem very out of character.

Officer Burke: We got a tip about the Avery fixer.

Shona Rodman: Here he is, boys! The culprit is none other than Bob Smith-Houser himself!

Officer Burke: I'm very disappointed in you, Bob.

Jesse: It's a frame-up, Mar— I mean, Officer Burke. You got to believe me!

Officer Burke: Tell it to the judge. Everybody's innocent in the third act.

Bob: Podcast kingpin pinched in Avery Awards racket! Trial of the century! Smith-Houser takes the stand as the DA turns up the heat! Winner for the best scene is Skint's last words in "Attempted Escape"! Smith-Houser found guilty. Judge throws the book at him: complete and unabridged!

Mo: Hey, Smith-Houser. See the papers?

Jesse: Don't know if you noticed, Mo, but I don't get down to the newsstand much these days.

Mo: Yeah, well, ha! I brought you a little something. Thought you might like to see the front page.

Jesse: Bob Smith-Houser sentenced to the chair. Open the whole page, Bob. The Podcast Chair? For 75 years? They're making me stay the official Adventures in Odyssey podcast host for 75 more years?

Mo: Our penal system at work! Don't you just love podcast justice? Hey, with good behavior, they might let you skip out on a few TRQs!

Jesse: This is a wacky sentence no matter what court. The judge must be in on it too. But why? Why this particular sentence? Who benefits? How's it all connected? Shona, the pianos, The House, the Club, The House, the Club, the Clubhouse... as in Clubhouse Magazine?

Bob: Hey, that's a stretch, don't you think?

Jesse: And then, of course, is the most obvious clue: my criminal sentence and the question it raises. Who benefits by me being forced to forgo my retirement and stay on the podcast? Unless all the listeners teamed up to put this whole charade together, I can only think of one other person who'd want me to stay on. And that's you.

Wait a minute. That's it!

Bob: What are you yammering on about, Bob?

Jesse: I know just who I need to talk to.

Bob: Who?

Jesse: Cue over-dramatic music. John!

The clues clicked into place like the multiple locks on my cell. I'd solved the whole rotten business, and I couldn't believe where the trail ended. I had my lawyer bring in the last guy I ever expected into the visiting room. If I was right, the truth was going to leave me hurting more than the mattress springs in cell block C.

Bob, I came as soon as I got your message. You've got a break in the case?

Bob: First, have you seen the papers?

Jesse: Yeah. 75 more years as a podcast host. What a wacky sentence!

Bob: Yeah, that's what I said. But I mean, as far as sentences go, this one's not bad, right? I mean, you love hosting the podcast!

Jesse: There shouldn't be a sentence, Jesse. I'm innocent.

Bob: Well, yeah, of course! But I mean, since we can't prove it, this kind of feels like the best-case scenario considering the circumstances, right?

Jesse: That's one way to look at it, if you squint really hard and cross your eyes while you stand on your head. But I just have one more question.

Bob: What?

Jesse: Why'd you do it, Jesse?

Bob: What? What do you mean?

Jesse: Why'd you set me up?

Bob: What are you talking about? Bob, you're talking crazy.

Jesse: Am I? Shona didn't do this. She wasn't acting like herself, almost as if someone else was telling her what to say. Then there was the trail: the shady criminal organization, The House, headquartered at the Club. House, Club, Club, House, Clubhouse, as in Clubhouse Magazine.

Bob: Hey, that's— that's a stretch, don't you think?

Jesse: And then, of course, is the most obvious clue: my criminal sentence and the question it raises. Who benefits by me being forced to forgo my retirement and stay on the podcast? Unless all the listeners teamed up to put this whole charade together, I can only think of one other person who'd want me to stay on. And that's you.

Bob: All right, fine! I admit it! Tear up the planks, it was me!

Jesse: Why, Jesse? Why'd you go to all this trouble?

Bob: I knew you'd never have stayed if I just asked you! We've been partners too long for you to just leave like that. I had to do something!

Jesse: So you framed me for rigging the Avery Awards?

Bob: It was for the podcast!

Jesse: Jesse, I'm touched. Really. But you do realize that now you're going to have to confess and clear my name, right?

Bob: I suppose so. But only if you promise to stay for at least another few years.

Jesse: Fine. Another few years. But no more mysterious dames or falling pianos, okay?

Bob: Deal. Now, how about that frozen yogurt?

Jesse: Lead the way, kid.

Bob: I'm not a kid!