The Healing Word

Host: The healing word ministry, on one place, is brought to you by the generous donations of people like you. At any time during today's message, feel free to send a prayer request or make a donation using the links provided. Now, I pray you will be blessed as Pastor Jack Morris delivers a message from the word of God that will encourage and strengthen your faith in him.

Pastor Jack Morris: The pattern of communication that you have today, you learned from somebody. That did not come in on the genes. That means you can now unlearn it and learn a new pattern. If you have the will to do so and if you want to have a happy marriage, you've learned that pattern of communication. So, unlearn it and learn a new pattern. You can resolve marital conflict.

Host: Welcome to the healing word. Pastor Jack Morris is here today and the message is conflict in a marriage. It offers wisdom from God's word and how to face struggles together. Every marriage encounters storms, but when Christ is the foundation, even the fiercest winds cannot tear it apart.

Pastor Jack Morris: Before I begin talking specifically about resolving conflict in the marriage, I want to talk about resolving conflict generally. We want to acknowledge that conflict is a part of life. There's conflict. It goes with life. It goes with the territory. Just think about it for a moment. In the workplace, there's conflict. Conflict between employers and employees. Conflict arises between people in the workplace, the employees themselves. Do you know that most managers spend at least a quarter of their time responding to conflict? That's a lot of time responding to conflict. How about between the nations? United States, we having conflict with Russia, conflict with China, conflict with North Korea, Afghanistan.

Uh there's conflict between um Sudan and Ethiopia, conflict between Israel and Palestine. I could go on. Conflict. Conflict within nations themselves, not only between the nations, but within the nations, there's factions and divisions. Conflict between races and nationalities, street gangs and spatial interest groups. There's conflict in churches. Unresolved conflict has fractured and divided congregations. It's a victory for Satan. It's a blight on Christianity. It nullifies testimony, but conflict even in churches. And there's conflict between parents and children, conflict between brothers and sisters, conflict between husbands and wives. Conflict has caused a lot of marital stress.

You know, I'm sure you've heard the statistics that a new marriage only has a 50/50 chance of making it. And listen to this. At best, at best, a new marriage, 50/50. And more than 60% of second marriages end in failure. Now, first marriages, 50% and then they get a divorce and they marry again and the percentage goes up. 60% of second marriages are ending in divorce. So, we're going to look at this subject very closely this morning and you have an outline and I want you to write down on line A the word inevitability of marital conflict.

I N E V I T A B I L I T Y. Inevitability is going to happen. Don't become surprised if you and your spouse sometimes have an argument, have a fight, have conflict. Now, I want to tell you why this happens. There is in every person there is a temperament. We have a character and we have a personality. Now, temperament is the inborn traits that come in and they subconsciously affect our behavior. Temperament. Temperament, those heredity factors are race. Uh the um nationality, uh sex, whether we're male or female. These are passed on through the genes and they predispose a particular temperament in every person.

So, you and I have a temperament and we didn't ask for it. It just came in. Our parents gave it to us. But then there's also character. Now, character is learned. Temperament is comes in in the genes. We get it just like we get the the color of our eyes or our skin or whatever. That that comes in on the genes, the temperament that predisposes us to a to a certain a predisposition. But then there is character and character is learned in childhood days through education and through training. It's the the formation of basic beliefs that we really don't even know that it's happening, but it is already happening even when we are subconscious and too young.

And also the moral strengths and weaknesses that develop at such a time. So, that's character. And then the subtotal of temperament and character is personality. That's the real you that sets you apart, makes you different than every other person. That's your really DNA. You are a very unique different individual. So, now think about it. Here's a young man who's going to marry this young woman. He brings his temperament, character and personality. She brings her temperament, character and personality. He doesn't know her temperament, character and personality. She doesn't know his temperament, character and personality. Chances are they don't even know their own temperament, character and personality.

And here they bring something into the marriage and they don't even know that they're bringing it. But everybody's temperament, character and personality is different. There's going to be conflict. There's going to be conflict. Now, as I mentioned last week, during courtship, the couple during courtship, they display their best side. They're mannerly. They're polite. Uh I talk to so many young couples and they'll come in and annoy. Middle-aged couples, older couples coming from marriage counseling and I'll I'll ask them, what did you see in each other? Yeah. Sometimes I look at him and you know, what did you see in her?

What what did you see in him? And they'll start telling me, well, they were very attractive physically. That's caught my attention. And then we had a date and I found out that he or she is a good conversationalist. Why we could just sit there in a restaurant or in the car or wherever, on a park bench and we could just talk for hours. And now they barely grunt at each other. Uh-huh. Uh you know, that kind. You know, three hours on a Saturday date does not tell you who the real person is. The real person is at home in a cage waiting to get out.

That's the real person. That three hours Saturday night date, she's out to get him. He's out to get her and they do the best they can and sure enough, they get each other. And then what do they get? Temperament, character and personality. You know, it's easy then to see how conflict will arise. The Latin word, and I think I can pronounce it correctly, conflict jerry. From the word we get our word conflict, which simply means to strike together. And when you strike something together, you get sparks, right? So, here's temperament, character and personality, temperament, character and personality and they come together and they have they strike and there's going to be sparks in that relationship.

Now, here's some areas where couples, these are just broad areas where the couples have conflict over. First is money. Money is is the big one. The family association of America says that money is the the big subject that couples argue over more than any other subject and regardless of what the subject is, when you over argue over any subject at all, over anything, it spreads into other areas of your life. But but couples quarrel over money matters. How to spend the money? They're trying to support a standard of living that is too high and and then there's credit buying and and then sometimes the the one spouse feels that the money is is is their possession only and they they try to control the other one.

But couples they they lie about their spending. They they try to hide shopping bags so that the other one won't see it. They hide the bills and they'll buy some expensive gift without consulting the other. Man comes home one evening driving a brand new red convertible, drives up in the driveway and his wife says, what's going on? I just bought a new car. Surprise. It's interesting that a couple will spend about a year, maybe more than a year, planning their wedding and their reception in detail. A whole year. But only a few hours talking about money management.

And maybe they don't even talk about it at all. But they plan that wedding that is going to last a half hour, but they don't plan a lifetime that is going to last for years and years. Well, you know where we are? We're in a mess. And we're going to get out of it with the help of the Lord and his blessing. Now, here's some causes of marital conflict. Number one, lack of maturity. Put a circle around the word maturity. Each person comes into the marriage bringing strengths and weaknesses. He brings certain strengths and certain weaknesses.

She brings certain strengths and certain weaknesses. One man was saying about his wife's immaturity talking about it and he said, all my wife is so immature. She just so immature. So, finally the question, well, how immature is she? He said, well, let me tell you how immature my wife is. He said, every time I draw a bath, I put the bath water in and I get in the bathtub. He said, it isn't very long until she comes busting into the bathroom and she sinks all my little boats and duckies. That's how immature she is. We have a tendency to always think the other one is, right?

You know, marriage is not for the infantile. Yet quite a number of immature persons who are late in emerging from that infantile state of mind and emotions get married. Uh they're lacking in judgment. They 're lacking in emotional control. They lack the ability to to handle the stresses and withstand the stresses of life when the moonlight and roses are gone. You know, marriage is a risky business. You know that by now, don't you? It's risky. Uh it starts out so joyously, doesn't it? Just what a wonderful honeymoon. Just starts out so joyously and then after a while, the joy is gone.

You know, there's more joy in a lobster tank than there is in some homes. There's no joy there at all. Yeah. There are there are three stages all when all the fellows and girls to listen. There are three stages to marry the marriage. There is lust. There is rust. And there is dust. Now, you know where you are on the spectrum, right? You got it. Or somebody said, well, marriage is made in heaven. Well, so is lightning and thunder made in heaven. So, one of the causes, number one causes is lack of maturity. Number two, circle the word adjustments.

They refuse to make adjustments. Now, I want you to open your Bible where you to James chapter one verse 22. And that's found on page 854 in the Pew Bible, 854. James chapter one verses 22 through 25. And I want you to hold your Bible up and I want you to read verses 22 through 25. James one 22 through 25. Page 854. You got it? Okay. Here we go. Verse 22. Together. Do not merely listen to the word and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says. Anyone who listens to the word but does not do what it says is like a man who looks at his face in a mirror and after looking at himself goes away and immediately forgets what he looks like.

But the man who looks intently into the perfect law that gives freedom and continues to do this, not forgetting what he has heard, but doing it, he will be blessed in what he does. What it is saying is this. Hearing a sermon on marital conflict and how to resolve it won't do anything. Hearing the word of God preached, just hearing it and never acting upon it won't do anything. It's like going to a physical therapist and you and the physical therapist sit down and the physical therapist says, now you got to work your arm this way and you got to work your leg this way and you got to do this and you got to do that.

And she writes out all or he writes out all the directions. You don't do it in his office and you take the directions home and you don't do it at home. You've been informed, but you're still in pain. Friends, just hearing the word, we're not only to be hearers of the word, but doers of the word. And when this message is over this morning, wouldn't it be wonderful if I could come by and say, what did you get out of it? What are you going to go home and try? One says, that well, that was a good message.

Good for what? Tell me what it was good for. Friend, I want your marriage to be what God wants it to be and what you wanted to be. Something beautiful, something that will resemble Christ in his church. So, make adjustments. As I said mentioned last week and I didn't go into any detail, it's like two great rivers coming together. A marriage, a husband and a wife coming together. Two lives coming this river comes out of its history. This river comes out of its history and environment. This man comes out of his history and environment. This wife comes out of her history and environment.

And I'm from up near Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania and down at the point in Pittsburgh, two great rivers come together. It's the Monongahela and I can't think of the other one. It's not the Allegheny. The Allegheny runs into another river. I used to live near the Allegheny and there's a little boy. I used to go down and fish in that river. But at the point in Pittsburgh, two great rivers come together. And I'm told when two great rivers come together, sometimes they clash. They hit and they clash and and they foam and they churn and they'll churn up the bottom and and in the water is muddy and but as you look on further downstream a little ways, maybe several kilometers, there's the Ohio River.

These two rivers that meet in at Pittsburgh form the Ohio River and the river calms down. It's wider. It's deeper. It's more majestic. And so it is when two lives come together, there's going to need some adjustments because you you you stood at that altar and you said for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, until death. Death do we part. So, you've got to get it together and when you do, your two lives together will be deeper, more majestic, more beautiful than your lives were separately. Like two great rivers coming together, two great lives coming together.

One man was very ill and he had been ill for a number of days, number of weeks, months he'd been ill. And so his wife took him to the doctor. And the doctor examined him thoroughly examined him and then the doctor motioned to the wife to come in the other room and he wanted to talk to her in his private office. And on the way home, the wife was driving the car and the husband, he was just so sick sitting in the passenger's seat. And he looked over to her and he said, what did the doctor say to you in that room?

Well, what the doctor said to her was, your husband really what he needs and if you'll do these things, he needs three good square meals a day every day. And he needs a meaningful sex life. Now, if you give him those things, your husband will get well because there's really nothing wrong with him. So, on the way home, he asked her he says, what did the doctor say? She looked at him and she said, he said you're going to die. She wasn't about to change. And that's how it is in so many marriages. Sometimes I think they'd rather be miserable than to change.

Friend, you're going to have to change. Change is one of the most difficult things in all of life. It's one of the most stressful things. Most people most people, almost 99 44 100% pure, do not like to change. We're comfortable where we are with what we know. We don't like to change, but change is absolutely essential to a good marriage. The two rivers coming together must adapt to each other and they must change. So, first, lack of maturity, second, refusal to make adjustments and most people are waiting on the other one to make the adjustment first.

If he would do this, I'll do that. If she'll do this, then I'll do that. Friend, you're going to be waiting a long time maybe. Then poor communication. Communication between a husband and a wife. There there is a Greek term and I'm going to try to pronounce it for you now. It's symphonia. From where we get the word symphony or in the New Testament, the word is agree. Jesus said, if any two of you agree, that word agree comes from the Greek word symphonia. From where we get the word symphony, it's like two violin players playing together in perfect harmony.

Friend, get back on key. Get your marriage tuned up by getting yourself tuned up. Don't wait on the spouse. So, resolving marital conflict number one, what is it? Number two, what is it? Anger control, anger management. We're all born with that capacity to get angry. It's a natural emotion. And unmanaged anger will fracture any relationship. And anger does not need to be boisterous or loud. Sometimes anger person is so angry, they just withdraw into silence. They won't talk at all and they're just so angry, just so angry. Do you know the average man, how many times the average man loses his temper a week?

Six times. Do you know how many times the average woman loses her temper a week? Three times. But when I listen to me, listen to me, when a woman loses her temper and becomes angry, she's usually angry at people. When a man loses his temper and becomes angry, he's usually angry at things. Like a man will walk out and his car won't start and he'll get out of the car and he'll kick the car, curse the car, say bad things about the car. One man his lawnmower would start and then it would stop, then it would start and then it would start.

Pour gasoline all over it and took a match and another man came out and went back in the house and got a shotgun and then come out and Now, singles. How many singles do we have in here this morning? All right. Listen to me single. This is for you. Singles lose their temper twice as often as a married person loses their temper. So, you better get married. At least start looking. Listen listen friend. I'm I don't know where all this well whether all this is true or not. They call it research. What can I say?

Anger. The third source, what is the third source? Yeah, resolving marital conflict, communication, anger control and forgiveness. Like I said last week, remember two imperfect people married. One is not more perfect than the other. If you're imperfect, you're imperfect. And two imperfect people married and that means there will be conflict. But conflict can be resolved through patience, through understanding, through communication and through forgiveness. There's an old proverb that says, a great marriage requires a blind wife and a deaf husband. The wife pretends she doesn't see everything he does and he pretends he doesn't hear everything she says.

So, forgive the big offenses and overlook the smaller ones.

Host: We're grateful you joined us for the program today. Conflict in a marriage. May God's word continue to guide and strengthen your relationships. For more resources, prayer support or to listen again, visit thehealingword.com. Are you seeking a way to start your week filled with hope and inspiration? Every Monday morning, receive a fresh devotional delivered right to your inbox to uplift your spirit and encourage you throughout the week. Pastor Jack Morris carefully crafts each message with scripture that speaks to the heart, reflections to inspire growth and practical steps to help you live out your faith every day.

These are words of hope and strength meant to meet you right where you are. Ready to begin? Just visit thehealingword.com and click the banner to sign up. Start each week with renewed purpose, feeling connected to God and ready for what lies ahead. Join us tomorrow for another healing word message.