The Alternative

Tony Evans: You can't change yesterday, but you can say a whole lot about tomorrow.

Guest (Male): Dr. Tony Evans says it's time for moms and dads to reclaim their parental authority. But where to start?

Here's the key: you establish a boundary.

Guest (Male): This is the Alternative Broadcast featuring the timeless biblical teachings from the archives of Dr. Tony Evans.

All it takes to become a parent is to have a child. But real parenting, biblical parenting is a lot harder. Today Dr. Evans takes us to Ephesians chapter 6 for a look at how moms and dads can get a better handle on their home life, even when things seem to be completely out of control. Let's join him.

Tony Evans: Now we have explained that God has an alignment through which His blessing flows. He has a structure by which He moves in history. We've seen it. Every Christian man is underneath Christ and is responsible to Christ. No man is autonomous.

Then it says a woman, referring to his wife, is underneath the man. She is not autonomous; she is to answer to her husband. But the chain continues. The alignment continues because it goes on to talk about now children being underneath the guidance, governance, and supervision of parents.

He says in verse 1 after talking about husbands and wives of chapter 6, your children ought to do two things: obey you as to the Lord and honor you. Please note: as to the Lord. In other words, they are to respond to you out of their response to God because you're supposed to be leading them in the ways of God. You're not supposed to be making up stuff.

They are to obey you, that is to submit to your legitimate authority in a respectful way. Honor. Obedience has to do with the act; honor has to do with the attitude. Because we know it's possible for them to obey without honor.

But we have a problem in that your kids aren't born to do that. They didn't come out the womb planning to obey. All you need to do is give them time. Now I know some of you thought you gave birth to little angels. But you will discover as their legs get longer, their wings get shorter and they're not nearly as cute.

I hope you noticed you haven't had to teach your children how to lie. You've never had to have a course "Lying Successfully as a Four-Year-Old." You haven't had to teach that; that has come naturally. You've not had to teach them how to be selfish. You didn't have to say "these are the rules of successful selfishness."

You did not have to teach your two-year-old how to throw a tantrum when he doesn't get his way. He was terrible twos after two days, not two years. It just took them two years to get enough strength to express it.

The Bible declares that when babies are born, they are born as rebels. They are born as rebels. All they need is opportunity to express it. So they are not born to obey you. Let's get this straight. They are not born with the inclination, "I have a wonderful mother and father, let me do whatever they say."

That's not their disposition because they are sinners by birth. Sin is rebellion against God's standard. So kids are born with rebellion in mind. Yet in order for God's chain to flow, it says that there must be obedience coupled with honor.

In fact, it is such a big deal, verse 2 says it's the first commandment with promise. More than that, it's the only commandment with promise. In other words, God gave the Ten Commandments, but He stuck a tag on this one. He says, this one comes with a blessing.

If you esteem, honor mother and father and obey mother and father as submission to the Lord, this one comes with a bonus. Why? Because the future depends on it. The future depends on this one.

He says it will be well with you. Taken right from the Old Testament, Exodus 20. It will be well with you. In other words, a quality of life you can anticipate if honoring those who have been given divinely authorized authority over you. If you do that with obedience. Quality of life.

Then He says, and you will live long upon the earth. That's a quantity of life. In other words, God says this blessing of well-being is tied to legitimate obedience coupled with the right attitude of honor.

We live today in an age of rebellion, raising up a generation of rebels where parents are obeying children and children are setting the agenda and calling the shots. And the culture picks up the price tag. The Bible says foolishness is bound in the heart of a child. It's already been stitched there from birth.

That means you've got to fix something that's broken. So here's how this is supposed to work. I'm going to give you the four things God says about dealing with your kids, and even if you're adults relating to your grandchildren or even your parents, because if you're dishonoring your parents, what you're inviting is dishonor from your children. It's an alignment issue.

He says, fathers, parents. Okay, let's say what he doesn't say: government. He doesn't say television raise your child. He doesn't even say church because the church is not supposed to replace the parent; it's supposed to supplement the parent. We are to raise our children and we are to take responsibility for their future.

Number one he says, do not provoke your children into wrath or anger. Do not provoke. Do not create anger, irritation in the life of your child. Let me put it another way. Number one is encourage, don't discourage them. In the Bible, here's what the kids look for. It was expected they look for the blessing.

The blessing was anticipation of a glorious future. You provoke your children to anger when they hear, "you ain't going to be nothing." We speak failure and cursing into the lives of our children when we are not known for our encouragement, we are known for our discouragement.

The blessing was always anticipation about the great things that God has for me. That I am fearfully and wonderfully made. I have been gifted by God. God wants to do something with my life. I have substance in history. And the cheerleader is supposed to be fathers, parents. You are supposed to bless them.

What we have today is a generation of kids looking for the blessing. Looking for somebody to put their hands on them and to let them know they have a glorious future ahead of them. The blessing. And that's supposed to come from the parent.

He says you are not to provoke them. Hear this: rules without relationship equals rebellion. Let's get this straight. You ought to do this because I said so. Okay, that's partially true. They are to obey. But they're also supposed to do it because they know you love them.

It's not just because you said so. That's partially true because you're in the authoritative role, but it's also because I love you. Don't say do this and never hug me. Don't say do that and never tell me you love me. Don't say do this and never come to any of my ball games.

Don't say do this and not spend any time with me. Don't say do this and not be willing to sit down and talk to me. Don't give me rules, leave out relationship, and wonder why I'm rebelling. Rules without relationship will always create rebels.

That's why Jesus says if you love me, you keep my commandments. It's a relationship thing that involves rules. Parents are to be the primary cheerleaders, cheering their children on. You ought to be known as their biggest fan. You ought to be known as their biggest fan, because if you aren't, they'll choose another fan base. They will choose another cheering section because they don't get any from home.

A whole bunch of adults here are still looking for a blessing because you grew up and nobody cheered you on. I know you're hurting because nobody—if you just knew the desperation of many adults who are still angry at their mother and father who are dead. They're still angry because you left me on this earth and died and didn't leave me a blessing. You never left me a word about my glorious future. He says don't provoke them to anger. Don't create a rebel. Encourage them.

Guest (Male): Dr. Evans will return with more of our message in just a moment, including a look at what to do when your child takes you to the limit.

First though, I want to tell you about a special resource package designed to help parents navigate one of the most important assignments God will ever give them. It includes the two-volume, 13-message audio series "Parenting on Purpose" along with a copy of Tony's popular book, "Raising Kingdom Kids."

Raising Kingdom Kids is a fresh look at parenting from the perspective of God's Kingdom agenda. Loaded with solid biblical principles, engaging illustrations, and practical real-life advice you can put to work right away. You learn how to teach children about controlling their tongues, developing patience, the value of service and sacrifice, the importance of respect, the value of God's word, and much more.

We'll send you both resources as a thank you gift when you make a donation to support the ministry of the Urban Alternative. Get the details today at tonyevans.org or call our resource center at 1-800-800-3222. That's 1-800-800-3222. I'll repeat that information for you after part two of today's lesson, and this.

Guest (Female): Picture yourself surrounded by crystal clear waters, warm Caribbean breezes, and the kind of quiet that allows you to hear from God in a fresh way. This February 28th through March 7th, you're invited to join Dr. Tony Evans and friends for a seven-day Caribbean cruise. A journey of rest and renewal.

You'll visit beautiful ports of call like Nassau in the Bahamas, the pristine shores of Grand Turk, and Amber Cove in the Dominican Republic. Even stopping in a private island designed for pure relaxation. And in between, you'll enjoy peaceful days at sea, perfect for reflection, fellowship, and rest.

Along the way, you'll experience powerful Bible teaching from Dr. Evans and other speakers, uplifting worship, and meaningful connection with a community that feels like family. If your soul needs refreshing and your spirit needs renewing, this is your invitation. Find out more and make your reservation today at tonyevans.org. That's tonyevans.org.

Guest (Male): Well, let's return to Dr. Evans now as he continues his message on reclaiming your parental authority, sharing specific steps we can take with our children.

Tony Evans: Secondly, nurture them. Or as the phrase says, bring them up. Raise them. You go to a movie, it says PG, that means parental guidance. The principles, the divine principles are constant, but how it's worked out in a given life is going to be distinctive because they're different. He says train up a child according to their uniqueness.

People spend more time training dogs than training children. People will take a dog for a walk who won't take a kid for a walk. People will play with a dog who don't have time to play with a kid. We'll spend more time with animal training than child training and wonder why they're acting a fool.

They're acting a fool because they're already oriented that way and there was nothing steering them in another direction. So they are just being real. But the problem is we go to the dinner table and only eat.

We don't go to the dinner table like it was in the Bible where the father directed the family at the table. He talked about schoolwork, he talked about discipline issues, he talked about housework not being done properly. He ran stuff from the table. He didn't just eat; he used eating as the time to run this show. As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord. And I'm going to remind you every time we eat.

Fathers, parents, you nurture your children. Thirdly, discipline them. The idea is correcting. You're trying to create obedience with esteem. Here's the key, especially with teenagers. Anybody having issues with your teen? Any teens having issues with your parents? You better put your hand down.

Here it is. You establish a boundary. God always establishes in the Bible boundaries. As long as they are on the field of play and don't step on the line, they're free. Boundaries mean freedom. Freedom within the boundaries. You say you are free within these boundaries.

You can't have a football game without sidelines, a baseball game without foul lines, or a tennis match without baselines. You have to have boundaries in order to be free to play a game. So you say, these are the boundaries. Now, if you step out of bounds, we have a problem. And here is how this works.

If you consistently stay within the bounds, we will expand the bounds. This year you have to be in at 10:00. If you're faithful at 10:00, then next year we'll discuss 10:30 or 11:00. Don't discuss 10:30 or 11:00 if you're not in at 10:00.

If you're ignoring the boundary, don't discuss its expansion; let's talk about its restriction. Now it's 9:00. If you step out of bounds, the boundaries shrink. If you stay within bounds consistently, the boundaries expand. And I control restriction and expansion.

You can earn the right. Remember, He gives them a command with a promise. I promise to bless you if you follow through on this command. It's okay to reward obedience. Some of us are only known for punishing disobedience; we're not known for rewarding obedience.

God does not do that. He punishes disobedience, but then He rewards obedience. Ezekiel 22:7 says don't treat parents lightly. When's the last time you thanked your mother and father for all they do for you? Or do you just complain about what they haven't done?

Thank you for coming home every night and meeting my need. And I know what you're saying: they're supposed to do that. Right. And you're supposed to appreciate it. They're supposed to do it whether you appreciate it or not, but it sure makes it a lot easier when you're dealing with grateful children rather than complaining children all the time.

Fourthly, he says, instruct them. Encourage, nurture, discipline, and then instruct. Teach them how to be under God's authority through you. Because he says instruction of the Lord. In other words, God and you ought to join up in this instruction. They ought to know resisting you is resisting God as long as you're in league with God.

Teach them. Now, you can't teach them if you're not there. How are you going to teach them if you're not there ever? The mother is supposed to be filling in the gaps till the father can fill it in. But if you're not there—and that's our problem today.

The last couple of verses in Malachi say you know a nation is cursed when you can't find the daddies. You know your culture is cursed when daddies aren't at home. Guys just getting girls pregnant and not taking any responsibility. Leaving the next generation because you're not man enough to man up to your responsibility. You are supposed to instruct them.

You say, but I don't know myself. Then learn. You can learn how to be a daddy. You're supposed to teach your children. Sex education should come from the home, not from the street. The street going to tell you shop till you drop. The street going to tell you nothing's wrong. They ought to be hearing something different.

Like the boy who came in and said, "Dad, where did I come from?" The mother was sitting there, she left. So the father knew that this was time, so he cleared his throat and went into the depths of the birds and the bees. After he was finished, the boy said, "Well, dad, that's okay. I was talking to Tommy up the street and he told me he was from Ohio. I just wanted to know where I was from."

You've got to know what you're dealing with. But the instruction should come from home. You say, well my kids are already grown. What do I do? You say, "You know, I missed it in these areas. I missed it and I'm sorry." Repentance can get you a lot, cover a lot of mileage.

"I'm sorry, but you know what? Whatever I can do now to restore our relationship and whatever righteous influence I can bring to my grandchildren through you, that's what I want to do." Grandchildren are God's second chance to parents. And then you pray if they are out gone left field, you pray for God to hit them with a wind to blow them back in. He's done that with us.

What I'm suggesting you today is that if you will take—and I know some of you are single parents and you've got a double load, you do the best you can—but if you can become their cheerleader, encourager. Become their nurturer; you raise them. Don't hand them off to somebody else to raise them. And anybody you hand them off to ought to be consistent with your raising them, not giving them something else.

Discipline them. If they're wrong, correct them. Don't skip it. And then teach them. Teach them. Let's take back the role of parenting because we want to salvage the future. It's about the future.

A mother was in a grocery store and her daughter was acting a fool. She said, "Suzanne, calm down. Suzanne, chill. Suzanne, stop it. Suzanne, I can't take anymore." The store manager was impressed that the lady was at least trying to do something.

He came over to the girl and said, "You really ought to obey your mother. So your name is Suzanne." The mother said, "No, I'm Suzanne, that's Betty." She trying to calm herself down. You laughing, but a lot of us are like, "I can't take it. I'm going crazy." You're not supposed to be the one going crazy. You're the parent. You're supposed to be driving them nuts.

If you have a teenager who's a fool—I'm talking about purity fool—you do not let this disrupt the rest of your house. You don't let one kid throw your whole house in chaos. Somebody's got to leave and it shouldn't be the one paying the bills. It is time to take back your homes and your children. You can't change yesterday, but you can say a whole lot about tomorrow.

Guest (Male): Dr. Tony Evans talking about the importance of parents reclaiming their biblical authority in the home. If you'd like to hear this lesson again or share it with someone you care about, ask about Tony's two-volume, 13-message audio series "Parenting on Purpose."

For a limited time when you make a donation to support the ministry and request this audio collection, we'll also include a complimentary copy of Tony's popular book, "Raising Kingdom Kids." Together these resources offer practical biblical guidance to help you strengthen your family and intentionally pass your faith on to the next generation.

To make your request, visit tonyevans.org. That's tonyevans.org. Or call our resource center at 1-800-800-3222 where team members are available around the clock to assist you. That's 1-800-800-3222.

And just a reminder, you can hear Dr. Evans host insightful conversations about the issues of life with special guests. Listen to the Unbound podcast anytime on his YouTube channel or on your favorite podcast platform.

Fathers, if your kids are failing or floundering, Dr. Evans says you not only have the power but also the responsibility to do something about it. Next time he'll explain what that something is as he paints us a portrait of a Kingdom Dad. Be sure to join us.

Tony Evans: You can't change yesterday, but you can say a whole lot about tomorrow.