The Alternative

Dr. Tony Evans: You only are addicted to people because you still haven't gotten to who you are yet. You've been believing the lies told you, so it's confused your identity. Dr. Tony Evans declares that the truth will indeed set you free. God says your worth is awesome. You are accepted in Christ.

Guest (Male): This is the Alternative broadcast featuring the timeless biblical teachings from the archives of Dr. Tony Evans. Diets, dollars, and degrees: the 3Ds we vainly use to improve our self-image. But Dr. Evans says God looks at His children from a different perspective. Let's join him as he explains.

Dr. Tony Evans: It is possible in your life to be more people-oriented than God-oriented. Paul says in 1 Thessalonians 1:11 that our primary goal is not to please people but to please God. The author of Proverbs says it in another way in Proverbs 29:25. He says the fear of men is a snare, a trap. But he who trusts the Lord, that one will be delivered.

There was a man one day. He was sitting on a bank kind of just meditating, and he heard somebody screaming, "Help, help!" from the river. He was an excellent swimmer. He saw the man drowning. He dove in, he got the man, brought him to shore. As soon as he got to shore, he heard it again. "Help, help!" There was another man drowning over there.

He jumped in, he swam, brought him to shore. As soon as he brought him to shore, "Help, help! There's another man over there." He swam out, grabbed him, brought him to shore. "Help, help!" This went on and on. Five and six and seven people he brought to shore. He was totally exhausted trying to bring folks to shore. He had no energy left, and yet there were people out there saying, "Help, help!"

And he couldn't help them anymore. He looked up to heaven and said, "Oh God, please show me what's happening upstream." We try to deliver people without ever finding out what's going on upstream. What's going up back there that you can't see that's causing them to cry for help right now? Something's going on upstream, and you can't help everybody. So let's find out what's upstream because maybe that'll give us peace downstream.

Upstream is really starts as children because God births children into families where they're to find love, acceptance, value. That's what families are supposed to do. They are the first line of defense for the well-being of life. And children let you know real early upstream when they're not getting the deal they think they deserve.

They'll show off so you pay them attention. They'll throw a temper tantrum so they get some value and somebody paying them attention. When children are overly ignored or ridiculed or even indulged, they will get a warped sense of their own value. You see a child who gets everything they want, I'll show you a child who establishes value by what they get and what they don't get.

If somebody's piping into their ear, "You're special, you're nice, you are somebody, you're great," then they will hang out with that group so they can hear it more and often become dependent upon it, frustrated when they're not with the group because they're not hearing it enough. When people's love tank runs low and they are driven by a need for acceptance, they will do what it takes to fill it.

When they feel rejected by somebody, they will go to somebody else for acceptance. You see, Satan uses our legitimate need for acceptance in an illegitimate way to produce codependency. But some folk who are in the stronghold—everybody tries to please people from time to time—but the stronghold is being caught. You're caught.

Somebody says something to you just a little off, you can't sleep at night. Unless you're around people and they are pumping you and making you feel good, and now you feel bad about yourself. People go through great extremes to please people. They will pay out a lot of money to get a compliment. They will become a groupie around the stars to get an autograph. They want to be able to say, "Yeah, I know him." They didn't meet them but for 30 seconds, but "I know him." That's about me being somebody because I know them.

You see, at the core of this is a criteria issue. If you're going to whip this, if indeed this is your stronghold—and different folk have different strongholds—I want to show you a verse in 1 John chapter 5, verse 9. The first half of the verse: If we receive the witness of men, what men think, what men say, the witness of God is greater.

Let me repeat that. If we receive the witness of men—I think this and I think you ought to do this, and I think you ought to go there and I think, I think, I think, I think, I think—if you receive the witness of men, if you do what people tell you, want you, beg you, influence you, and control you to do, God wants you know one thing: the witness of God is greater.

You will only begin to overcome people strongholds when you shift your criteria. When you decide that I will hear what people say, think, tell me to do, want me to do, try to control me to do, what I try to control them to do, however, the witness of God is greater. Folks will lie to you to get you over on their side. Folks will compliment you to pull you over to their side.

What Jesus said to Peter is: Heaven's viewpoint is the only one that counts. It's just heaven's viewpoint when it contradicts earth's viewpoint rules. When Peter stopped eating with the Gentiles and Paul saw him because Peter was controlled by the circumcision—now that's another stronghold I'm going to deal with—racial strongholds, where your race tells you how to act toward other races and they hold you hostage.

That's a people stronghold. It is being controlled by the group even though it contradicts the will of God. And Paul showed up and Paul said, "Peter, I don't care who told you to do this. You are wrong because you're not acting in concert with the truth of the gospel." In other words, God has already spoken on this matter. And when God speaks on a matter, I don't care who shows up. I don't care what the popular view is.

Let me tell on the Evans family a little bit here. As the church began to grow and get bigger and bigger, people started whispering to my wife and I, "Well, you know now, you're a big pastor now. You ain't no little pastor. You need a big house. So-and-so has a big house. Your house needs to reflect your status. You need to adjust." So I went house hunting. They were starting to pump me.

I started feeling good. "Yeah, you're big pastor now. You ain't no small church. Big church mean big house." So I'm getting all this, I mean getting it, I'm getting it from preachers, I'm getting it from members, I'm getting it from well-meaning, no problem. So we went house hunting. I'm telling on me. I got to tell the truth, shame the devil.

After about a month of this, my wife and I went home and we looked at each other and said, "What are we doing? What in the world are we doing? We are happy. We're content. We live close to our flock. Our kids are gone. Praise Him. Why are we doing this?" And after discussion, we said, "The only reason we are doing this is because people have told us we should do this."

Anything wrong with getting a new house? No. Anything wrong with getting a big house? Absolutely not. But there's everything wrong with it if the reason you're doing it is to please people. Because none of the folk who told me to move offered to pay a note. Now, if we decide, you know what, we've been living here for 20 years, let's get a different location, let's get more space for entertaining, and we decide, Lord, is this how you want to use our resources and the Lord says yes, then move.

But don't let folk move you to a house you can't afford, put you in a car that you can't make the payments on, buy clothes that you don't look good in so that they can compliment you. Driving down the street in a car you can't afford, talking about, "I'm looking good." So that raises one other question. How you get out of it? You've got to start out with a new criteria: God rules, not people.

Well, first thing we have to do is stop treating the symptoms and start treating the problem. If you have a child and your child has a fever, putting ice on his head is nice, but that's only a symptom. That's not the problem. There's an infection you need to get to. Now, the first person you've got to help is you. Don't look at your mate and say, "I'm going to free you."

You know what the airplane does when the oxygen mask falls? Before you help your children, put it over your own face. Why? Because if you give it to them first, you'll pass out while they're breathing. You need to put it over your face so that you have enough to help somebody else. And if you are as messed up as I am, don't help me. Where's the cure?

It is very simple. It's so simple you can miss it if you're addicted to a situation or you have to feel like you're controlling people in order to feel you significant and powerful and whatever. You see, you only are addicted to people because you still haven't gotten to who you are yet. Because you've been believing a lie. You've been believing the lies told you, so it's confused your identity.

Guest (Male): When Dr. Evans continues our message in just a moment, he'll reflect on who values us the most. In the meantime, as we're learning in our lesson today, God has a lot to say when we're trying to measure up to other people's expectations, as he does when we're dealing with stress, loss, grief, or any other kind of emotional struggle. But God says we don't have to stay trapped by those things any longer.

Learn how to break free with Tony's five-part teaching series, Overcoming Emotional Strongholds, an in-depth look at finding victory over depression, anger, anxiety, and more. Right now, we'd like to send you this complete audio collection as our thank you gift when you support the ministry of the alternative with your contribution.

And as part of this special resource package, we'll also include Dr. Evans' practical companion booklets, 30 Days to Overcoming Emotional Strongholds and 30 Days to Overcoming Addictive Behaviors. Together, these resources offer biblical guidance for replacing destructive patterns with lasting spiritual freedom. Visit tonyevans.org today for details on this special resource package. Again, that's tonyevans.org or call our resource center at 1-800-800-3222. I'll repeat that information later in today's broadcast. But first, this.

Far too many of us want to throw in the towel before we've thrown up the prayers. Dr. Tony Evans says Christians have a habit of underusing or overlooking our most valuable spiritual resource. Grace is available, but only at the throne. And you can only approach the throne through prayer. You can deepen your connection with the Lord through our in-depth course on Kingdom Prayer at the Tony Evans Training Center.

You'll discover how God has wired the world to work by prayer and experience for yourself how it connects heaven with earth and time with eternity. You'll not only gain a new understanding and appreciation for prayer, you'll actually pray in transforming ways you've never experienced before. The course is intense, but you can work through it at your own pace and get all the help you need through our online forum. And of course, there's custom content from Tony not available anywhere else. Connect with the Tony Evans Training Center at tonyevans.org. It's like having a seminary on your smartphone or other device. Start today. Tonyevans.org.

Dr. Tony Evans: Romans 15:7 says, "You are, watch this, accepted in Christ." Ephesians 1 says, "You are accepted in the beloved," that is in Christ. Or let me put it another way. You are fighting for what you already have. God says your worth is awesome. He says in Psalm 139, "You are fearfully and wonderfully made." He says in Romans 8:31, "If God be for you, who can be against you?"

When God says you are somebody, when God says you are accepted, you mean to tell me you're going to lose it because your neighbor doesn't like the clothes you have on? It's an issue of faith in the identity God gives you over the fleeting identity people give you. Because you know folk will change on you. You say, "Well, wait, wait, hold it. I hear you, preacher. I hear you, pastor. You're talking a good game. But how do I know I can relax in God's acceptance of me?"

Well, one, because it's based on grace. You don't have to earn it. You ever notice how hard it is working for people to like you? That's a tiring thing. You talk about a tiring thing. Got to work all day so your boss likes you. You got to work all day so your coworkers can get along with you. Got to work all day for your family to accept you. You just got to work and work and work and work.

And God shows up and says, "You are accepted, no work required." That's why we have trouble with it. It's too easy. This has got to be too easy. Everybody else is telling me work. That's law. God is saying accepted, no work required. That's grace. You are the most valuable to the one who sacrifices the greatest for your well-being. Who has put up most for you? The price paid determines the value.

And I'm here to tell you nobody but nobody but nobody has paid the price for you like God when He opened up His wallet and pulled out Jesus Christ. Anybody died for you lately? Anybody took your—even the people complain against you don't offer to take your pain. They don't offer to take your punishment. Even if they nice folk, all they can say is, "I wish I could do it."

God took it, and He was slain. You remember the movie Ransom with Mel Gibson? Mel Gibson's son was kidnapped. Guess what the kidnappers didn't do? They did not go to other folk for the ransom. They went to the father because only the father would be guaranteed to pick up the tab because that's his baby boy. If you want significance, it has to come from the father. He picks up the tab.

You say, "But wait a minute, I don't feel this. I hear you, but I don't feel it though. I don't feel significant. I don't feel..." You ever had a police car pull up behind you with lights flaring? You know what that does to your feelings? You know how it feels when he then pulls side of you and pulls in front of you going after somebody else? When you get the facts, it takes a while for your feelings to catch up.

But if you keep reviewing the facts—today when I get up, I am accepted. I don't have to earn it. And anything I get from anybody is a bonus. And I just want to thank you today that you told me by faith I accept I am accepted by you. And I don't have to perform. You do that long enough, your feelings will catch up. You say, "But what about the people who still messing with me?"

You do what Jesus did. Nobody has ever been more rejected than Him. And guess what 1 Peter 2:23 says? It says that while suffering the abuse of people—watch this—Jesus offered no threats. He didn't say, "You ain't going to do that to me. What goes around comes around. I'm going to get you back, you dirty dog." None of that. You know what He did?

He was so secure in His acceptance by God that 1 Peter 2:23 says He offered no threats but kept trusting Himself to the One who judges rightly. His view of God was so awesome that He believed He could stand under grace and grace would cover it. He would stand under grace, living under grace, folks, is like living under waterfalls.

You just stand there and the stuff just gushes. But here's what we do. We under waterfall, we take out an umbrella. We divert that. We don't want to get wet. You do want to get wet with grace. Because when you're wet with grace, when you're dripping grace, when you're dripping your identity in Jesus Christ, then you know all the threats are just that: threats. This frees me up as a pastor.

It frees me up to love you as the congregation, to listen to you because God may be speaking through you, but to not feel bad if I have to go another direction because I'm here to please God, not men. There are 4,000 different viewpoints in this building. Everybody's got a view. Nothing wrong with that. But Jesus has already died for you once. Ain't no need for me dying too.

And by the way, folks, nobody can make you feel inferior without your cooperation. You must accept their viewpoint in order to feel their viewpoint. Let me close this one other thing. You are not only to receive grace, you are to give it. Now you do have to start with yourself, but we are also dispensers of grace. Because guess what? Just as God has to work with you, He's got to work with your neighbor. Just as He's got to work with you, He's got to work with your mate.

Because if you can't give it, why should you get it? We are also dispensers of grace, and that's what the church is. It's the grace dispensary. They didn't get accepted at home? Bring them to the church house. We'll accept them. We won't accept everything they did if it's wrong, but we will value them. The church has to be the family some folk never had. That's what they did in slavery.

A little barefoot boy come in the church without shoes. They look at him and say, "You got shoes. I got shoes. All God's children got shoes." What they were saying was: here you have what the world around you won't give you. If you need grace, you got to show it. Because you don't know what everybody else has been through. You don't justify actions, wrong actions, but you have to think grace.

That's why the Bible says encourage one another. Grace to forgive. You say, "But I can't forget what they did to me." You don't have to forget in order to forgive. Forgiving is not forgetting. God never forgets anything. He just doesn't bring it up every time you show up. Forgiving is simply letting folk off the hook. As you learn to live under grace, it'll take a little time, but you'll be like Jesus and the blind man in John 8. He put something over the man's eyes. The man says, "I see men walking like trees." Sometime you won't see them right at first, but then Jesus touched them the second time and he said, "Oh, now I see them as men." Folk will look like trees for a while, obstacles in your way with branches that cut you. But you keep looking through the eyes of Jesus, and you'll see them differently.

Guest (Male): Dr. Tony Evans talking about where we should and shouldn't find our acceptance. If you'd like to hear this lesson again or pass it along to someone else, full-length copies are available. Check with us about the title "Overcoming People Strongholds." And when you do, don't forget to take advantage of the special resource package I mentioned earlier. Tony's five-part Overcoming Emotional Strongholds teaching series along with his companion booklets, 30 Days to Overcoming Emotional Strongholds and 30 Days to Overcoming Addictive Behaviors.

These resources are available for just a few more days as our thank you gift when you support Tony's ministry with your caring contribution. Contact us before time runs out at tonyevans.org or give us a call day or night at 1-800-800-3222 and let one of our friendly team members help you. That's 1-800-800-3222. Whether it's drugs or alcohol or just too much food or TV, many of us are caught up in behaviors that we can't seem to stop even though we've tried. Tomorrow, Dr. Evans shows why our efforts at self-improvement so often fail and how we can break the cycle that keeps us trapped. Be sure to join us.