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Dr. Tony Evans: This commandment is unique because God establishes the foundation and importance of the family.

Guest (Male): Dr. Tony Evans says that the benefits of honoring our father and mother extend way beyond maintaining harmony in the home.

Dr. Tony Evans: The purpose of this commandment was to hold the nation together.

Guest (Male): This is the Alternative broadcast featuring the timeless biblical teachings from the archives of Dr. Tony Evans.

No matter your age or stage of life, the command to honor your father and mother has never lost its relevance. Today Dr. Evans explains why this principle is about more than family relationships. It's a foundation for personal stability and a healthy society. Let's join him in Exodus chapter 20.

Dr. Tony Evans: This commandment is unique. It is unlike the other nine. It is unique because in it God establishes the foundation and importance of the family. Today society is seeking to redefine the family. Society is not only attacking the family, but it is creating a generation of rebels. A generation of children, whether they are small children, teenage children, or adult children who are rebellious. And having learned rebellion at home, they've taken it to the streets. That rebellion started at home.

This commandment is designed—stay with me here—to establish the family as the foundation. Plato the great philosopher was not right about a lot, but he was right about this: the saga of a nation is the saga of its families written large. "Honor thy father and thy mother," he says in verse 12, "that your days may be prolonged in the land which the Lord your God is going to give you." He says honor your parents so that we can preserve the land.

In other words, if the land is going to be okay, the nation is going to be okay, the society is going to be okay, then that family's got to be okay. Because if that family is not okay, you've now jeopardized the land which the Lord your God has given you. And that land today has been jeopardized. It has been jeopardized in every place because of this commandment that is focused on the family.

The purpose of this commandment was to hold the nation together. The nation would be held together by there being a mother and a father, and by that mother and that father teaching children and children learning to honor their parents. All human relationships are based on what a child learns at home. If a child learns that it's okay for a man to slap a woman, he becomes a wife-beater.

When a child sees as no responsibility or accountability with mother and father, they're going to learn to be irresponsible and unaccountable. In other words, the imprint is laid at home. Which is why, mothers, the Bible emphasizes that nothing can conflict or compete with your role in the home. Because unless children learn to honor, learn to respect, and learn to obey, then somebody else will teach them.

He says honor your father and your mother. Why? Because parents represent God's chain of command. The reason why every teenager who's a Christian should be honoring their parents who are providing and protecting them is that you want God on your side. It's a God thing, it's not just a mother and father thing. Now I know, all of us know because all of us have had parents, parents can tick you off.

Sometimes they're unreasonable. Sometimes they bring their moods home from work. So I understand that. But your mindset must be: I'm going to honor the Lord in my status as my parents' son or daughter, and I will obey them without an attitude, without talking back, without being disrespectful. I am going to fulfill my God-given responsibility to them by honoring them.

So what else does honor mean? Because this applies to us as adults as well as young people and children. Well, first of all, you are to honor your father and mother—watch this—verbally. Proverbs 30:11 says there is a kind of man who curses his father and does not bless his mother. When is the last time you blessed your parents? I know about all the times you criticized them. When's the last time you blessed them?

When is the last time you complimented them on the good they did rather than simply the bad they've done? When's the last time you thanked your mother and father? Okay, they cooked something today you don't like, and you're sitting there, shucks, I don't like this stuff. And so you've got a bad attitude, you're frowning and you're irritated because on Thursday they cooked something you don't like. And it's written all over your face.

You don't have to say a word. It's just all over your face that you're irritated and so you're complaining that they cooked something you don't like. But did you thank them that Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday it was all right? They cooked something you did like? Or do they only know when you're discontent because you never blessed them? When is the last time you thanked them?

I don't have to be cold in the winter or hot in the summer because you keep that air conditioned. You keep me comfortable. I've never thanked you for that. He says a person who honors his parents honors them verbally. Paul says in 1 Timothy 5:1, he praises Timothy's parents for the impact that they've had. Thank you, mother. Thank you, father. They should hear a lot more thanks than they do what they did wrong.

Because in most cases, there are some exceptions, but in most cases, they do a lot more right than they do wrong. But they don't hear it. You are to honor them financially. 1 Timothy 5:4 and verse 16 says that you ought to make a return to your parents. If they need help and you are able to help them—I'm not talking about encouraging irresponsibility, that's not what I'm talking about.

But he says make a return because look at what they spent on you. Do you know how much it costs to raise a child for 18 years? And every other day you come in talking about give me something, give me something. I need this, I need this in school. I need all my friends wear this, they got these kind of tennis shoes, can you get me this? They got this kind of style, can you do this?

Do you know how much money for 18 years they have spent on you? Now they need $100 and you're talking about I don't have it. They spent hundreds of thousands of dollars on you but you can't help them. You don't make a return. That's evil. So now I'm talking to a lot of adult parents who have disregarded your mother and father when you could have helped them.

Jesus told the Pharisees of his day, he condemned them in Matthew 15:4-6, he says because you're going to church and you're ignoring your family and you've disregarded your parents. You are to honor them relationally. You know what Jesus did? Watch this now. Jesus is on his way to the cross to die, right? He looks back and he says, "John, behold your mother. Mother, behold your son."

In other words, Jesus is getting ready to die. Mary, his mother, is a widow. He's not going to leave her uncared for. All right, how many people in here have parents stuck in nursing homes and you don't go visit? They're stuck there by themselves and alone but you're too busy. They weren't too busy when you were sick and they had to stay up all night or take you to the emergency room or hug you.

They weren't too busy then. Jesus says I'm going to make sure, Mary, since I can't care for you, you are cared for. Now I know every family can't keep every parent based on the particular circumstances in your own home. I understand that. But you are to never let them forget that they're your mother, that they're your father. You are not to dishonor your parents by leaving them to grow old alone.

Because they didn't leave you. And even if they did leave you—because I know some of us have got fathers that walked out on us and that kind of stuff—they still did one thing right: you're here. You are to honor them spiritually. How do you do that? Pray with them and watch this—and forgive them. Pray with them and forgive them. Because I know some of us have been damaged by our parents because some of us didn't grow up in Christian homes and some of us grew up with parents who didn't know how to parent and they hurt us.

What's the spiritual thing to do? Release them. Release them. One, you release yourself because I can guarantee you something. Let me give you a guarantee. There's not a parent in here who won't need your child to forgive you of something. Because there's something you're going to do wrong. Maybe it wasn't as bad as your parent did to you, but you're going to need your kids to forgive you for some failure in your life.

Well, don't expect to get what you're not willing to give. Don't burn the bridge over which you yourself must cross. Bible says that Noah got drunk and he was lewd. It doesn't specify what it was, but he was involved in some lewd act. One of the sons—he had three boys—one of the sons came in and made fun of him. "Haha, look at Daddy, look at Daddy." It says the other two sons came in and put a covering over him.

Some of our parents need a covering. They don't just need to be pointed fingers at, look at what you did, look at you, look at you, you all messed up, you're no good, you're a failure. Some of them just need a covering. Yep, you did this wrong, that was a mistake, but because one day I may need a covering, I'm going to give you one. That's honor. Now let me clarify something about honor.

Honor doesn't mean be used. Because I know you can have parents who want to use you up and put you on a guilt trip. All right? "Oh, you never come to visit me," and you visit them once a week but they want to be visited five times a day. So they put you on a guilt trip. Okay? No, no, no. Here is the—you solve that problem easily. You set a boundary. "Mother, Father, this is what I'm going to do.

I'm going to give you this much a month, I'm going to visit you or call you this often, so expect this but don't expect beyond this. If I give you beyond that, that's extra." So set a boundary so you don't get used. But don't let the fact they're trying to use you cause you to do nothing. Because you still have to honor them.

Guest (Male): When Dr. Evans continues our message in a moment, he'll offer specifics about ways you can honor your parents even if your relationship is a difficult one. First though, I want to tell you about a powerful resource package we've put together for parents who want to raise their children with purpose and confidence in a culture that often pulls families in the opposite direction.

It starts with Tony's two-volume, 13-message series Parenting on Purpose. In these lessons, Dr. Evans addresses some of the biggest challenges parents face, helping you guide your children toward spiritual maturity, strong character, and a lasting relationship with Christ. And to help you take these principles even deeper, we're including Tony's popular and highly acclaimed book Raising Kingdom Kids.

This encouraging resource has helped thousands of parents understand how to intentionally shape their children's values and worldview from a kingdom perspective. We'll send you this special Parenting on Purpose resource package as our thank-you gift when you make a donation to support the ministry of The Urban Alternative. To get the details, visit us today at TonyEvans.org. Or call our 24-hour resource center at 1-800-800-3222 where one of our team members will be glad to help. That's 1-800-800-3222. I'll repeat that information for you after the second part of today's message and this.

Guest (Female): There's something about the rhythm of the ocean that quiets the noise of everyday life. Step away from the rush and into rest and renewal on a seven-day Caribbean cruise with Dr. Tony Evans. Set sail February 28 to visit beautiful destinations in the Bahamas, all while enjoying powerful Bible teaching, meaningful worship, and time to reconnect with God and others. Experience renewal for your body and your soul. Find out more at TonyEvans.org.

Dr. Tony Evans: How else do you honor them? You honor them emotionally. Proverbs 10:1 says a wise son makes his father glad, but a foolish son is a grief to his mother. Make them happy. What's the last thing you did to make your mom and dad happy? Whether you're in home or you're out of the home, but you just did something to make your mom and dad happy.

You just made them smile. You know, adults and particularly older adults have so much to burden. When is the last time you just made them smile? You criticize them, you complain, you talk about them to your friends, but when is the last time you made your mother's heart, Proverbs 10:1 says, glad? You lifted them up emotionally. That's honor.

You say why do this? Okay, watch this now because it gets deep right here. And I love the way the New Testament quotes this. This thing is so strong, the New Testament quotes this in the book of Ephesians chapter 6, verse 1: "Children obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. Honor your father and mother which is the first commandment with a promise, so that it may be well with you that you may live long on the earth."

All right, here it is. No other commandment has a promise attached to it. Only this one. So this must be a zinger. God is so committed to this commandment he wanted to put a motivational element to it. He wanted to kind of give you something to motivate you to do this one. And the thing he wanted to give you is he makes two of the most staggering promises to the young person, the teenager, or the adult who honors their parents.

He says I'm going to do two things for you if you follow my chain of command. The first thing I'm going to do is—watch this, watch this, watch this—I'm going to increase your quality of life. He says that it may be well with you. In other words, I'm going to make your life better if you make their lives better. Teenagers, if you start complimenting your parents, obeying your parents, encouraging your parents, supporting your parents, God says then I'm going to look out for you.

How's he going to look out for you? I love the way Proverbs chapter 4 puts it. I'll read it to you. Proverbs 4:10-13 says these words: "Hear my son and accept my saying, and the years of your life will be many. I have directed you in the way of wisdom. I have led you in upright paths. When you walk your steps will not be impeded, and if you run you will not stumble. Take hold of the instruction, do not let it go. Guard her, she is your life."

God says if you honor your parents, I'm going to guide your way. I'm going to guide you through your college. I'm going to help you with your scholarship. I'm going to get in front of your career. I'm going to help you meet your mate. I'm going to guide you through your family. I'm going to work with you because you work with me and working with them. All right, now let me tell you what's happened.

Some of us as adults are living under a curse. God is not responding to us because we have dishonored our parents. And so you can pray until you're blue in the face. If you're dishonoring God's chain of command as I've described it here today, you're dishonoring God and you are living under a curse. Exodus 21:17 says cursed is the man who dishonors his parents.

He's cursed. So there could be some adults here today and you are cursed because you have dishonored mother and father. But not only is he going to give you a better quality of life, he's going to give you a longer quantity of life. Guess what God says? If you honor your parents, I'll extend your life span. Well, what does that mean? Here's what it means. It means honoring your parents allows you to live out your divinely ordained years.

In other words, you won't die early. You won't die before your time. You'll make all the years you were supposed to have. Now that's going to be different from every individual, but you will live long. You will live out your divinely ordained days. There are many kids in the grave now because they learned to dishonor at home and it caught up with them. And they're in the grave.

Parents said don't hang out with those kids, I don't like that kid, don't hang out with those kids. They hung out with those kids and now they've gone down the tubes with those kids. "Don't go over there," you disobeyed and it caused—I've done many a funeral of a young person who dishonored at home and his life was cut short. You see? How many of our parents told us don't cross the street?

You know what they were doing? Saving our lives. "Don't play with electricity." You know what they were doing? Saving our lives. God says this thing is so important to me that you get to live out your divinely ordained days. So let's bring this to a conclusion. What are we doing? Listen to me now. Just going to give you a couple of points then we're going to close.

First of all, to every parent who's here, make it easy, not hard for your kids to honor you. Don't give them overtime work. Be honorable so that it's easy to honor. And here's the principle. Listen parents, if you've got a child or teenager, here it is: rules without relationship lead to rebellion. Now I know as parents we love to say "You do it because I said so." You never hug them, you never compliment them, you never pray for them, you never pray with them, you never encourage them, but you'll give them a rule in a minute.

And if you don't hurry up and do what I said, I'm going to take my belt off and I'm going to wear you out. Listen to me, rules without relationship will always lead to rebellion. If you want to be honored by your children, they should know more of your love and encouragement than your threats. Now that's right, there are times when you threaten, times when you smite, there are times when you punish.

But that shouldn't be what the norm is. Maybe they're giving you so much trouble is they don't see anything to honor. You're never there for them. You're never part of their world. If you have teenagers, here's how this works. Real simple rule for teenagers because that's when they—how many of y'all dealing with a little rebellion in the teenage years? Okay.

All right, here's how this works. It's real simple, based on this sermon today. Here's what you do. You say okay, give them the boundary. Whatever the boundaries are, you have to have your schoolwork done before you look at television, you have to—whatever those boundaries are, these are your boundaries. As long as you keep your boundaries, then we're going to be fine and all you're going to experience from me is your love and encouragement and I'm going to press you on.

Now when you step over the line, that's an infraction. And here's how this works. Teenagers, this is going to work for you. I'm going to give you something to help you out if you're a teenager. If you keep the boundaries, then we're going to expand the lines. We're going to increase your freedom. We're going to increase your flexibility. We're going to trust you with more because I could trust you with less.

So since I could trust you with this much, you can look forward, just like God has given a promise here, you can look forward for me to blessing you with more. But if I can't trust you with this, then you will not get more and what you have may shrink. It's that simple. You can earn more freedom or earn less freedom by your honor, respect, and obedience.

But make sure they don't have to guess at the boundaries. Make sure they know clearly what the boundaries are. You meet on them once a month to repeat them and go through them and they know the consequences for breaking them. Secondly, teenagers who are living at home, begin affirming your parents' strength and obeying their guidelines that they set up.

If your job is to do the dishes, do the dishes. If your job is to clean the room, don't clean half of it, clean all of it. If your job is to do the homework first, do the homework first. In other words, let your parents know that you want to please God by obeying them. If you're an adult child and you're no longer living at home, some of you in here today need to make a phone call.

You need to call and say you know what? I've complained about you but I've never thanked you for all the blood, sweat, and tears you gave me. I never thanked you for caring for me when I was sick. You know, I just complained when you didn't do what I wanted, but I never thanked you. You write a letter. You say what if my parents are dead? Then you get on your knees and you thank God for them.

Guest (Male): Dr. Tony Evans wrapping up a message on holding your parents in high honor. If you'd like to review today's lesson, including material we didn't have time to present on the air, be sure to ask about Tony's two-volume, 13-message series Parenting on Purpose. For a limited time, when you make a donation to the ministry and request the Parenting on Purpose audio collection, we'll include a complimentary copy of Tony's popular book Raising Kingdom Kids.

Together these resources provide encouragement, wisdom, and practical tools to help you build a stronger spiritual foundation for your family and intentionally pass on your faith to the next generation. This is a unique limited-time offer. Get all the details and make your request today at TonyEvans.org. Again, that's TonyEvans.org. Or call our resource center at 1-800-800-3222 where team members are available around the clock to assist you. That's 1-800-800-3222.

One quick note before we wrap up today, you can hear Dr. Evans as he participates in candid conversations on a variety of life issues. Listen to Tony and special guests anytime on the Unbound podcast. Find it on his YouTube channel or on your favorite podcast platform.

All it takes to become a parent is to have a child. But real parenting, biblical parenting, is a lot harder. On Monday, Dr. Evans offers helpful insights into how moms and dads can get a better handle on their home and family, even when things seem to be completely out of control. Be sure to tune in for that.