Telling the Truth

Guest (Male): Is your relationship with your children out of balance? Today on Telling the Truth, Stuart Briscoe shares the second part of his message from Ephesians 6 about the role dads play in their children's spiritual lives. He'll begin in just a moment.

If you want a strong and lasting marriage, the best place to look for guidance is the creator of marriage itself, God. We want to help you build a healthy and fulfilling marriage by sending you Jill Briscoe's series, Eight Things That Make a Marriage Work. We'll send you this resource along with a beautiful Bible verse print as thanks for your gift today to help others experience life in Christ.

This offer ends this week, so don't miss it. Call today to request your copy of this powerful four-message series, 1-800-889-5388. That's 1-800-889-5388, or you can give online at tellingthetruth.org. Now, here's Stuart Briscoe to start today's message.

Stuart Briscoe: When my daughter was a little teenager—bright and bubbly and hair and teeth and telephone calls and giggles, that stage—she came up to me one day while I was working out in the yard and she said, "Bye, Dad! Bye!" I said, "Where are you going?" She said, "I'm going to a movie, Dad. Bye, bye!"

I said, "Which movie are you going to?" She said, "Dad, I'm late. You're keeping me late." I said, "Well, it probably has a very short title, so you won't be very late. Just tell me, which movie are you going to?" And she told me the title. I said, "Does it have a rating?" She said, "Dad, you know they all have ratings! I'm late, and my friends are waiting for me. You're embarrassing me!"

That's the worst thing a parent can do: embarrass your child. And you don't have to be very good to do it. It is easy to do. All you have to do is exist. "You are embarrassing me, Dad." I said, "I am terribly sorry about that, but it's a very short rating, I'm sure. So we'll get this over very quickly. What is the rating?"

She says, "It's PG, Dad. It's PG." I said, "What does that mean? Pretty good?" "No," she said, "it means parental guidance." "Oh," I said. "Oh. Now, how many parents do you have?" She said, "I have two." I said, "And from which parent did you derive guidance over this movie?"

She said, "I didn't, Dad!" She said, "All my friends are going. All my friends are going, and they're all sitting there in the car, and they're looking at me, and you're embarrassing me!" I said, "Well, I'm sorry to be an embarrassment, Judy. I'm just trying to be your dad."

She said, "Dad, there's only one bad bit in the movie." And I said, "Judy, I know. And it's right at the beginning, and that's why I kept you late. And now you can go." I give that as an example of superb parenting.

You will notice that it goes back to when my daughter was a young teenager. I haven't had another one in the years since. But direction, inspection, correction—they won't like it sometimes, but it's your job. And you need to understand it's your job because if they're going to be brought up in the Lord, you don't talk about the Lord and not do what he says. Since doing what he says doesn't come naturally, you've got to learn the discipline.

In addition to that, there is the verbal instruction. Take time to talk to your kids, but perhaps more importantly than talking to them is listening to them. Because the extent to which you listen to them and can get them talking to you will determine the depth of the conversation that you're going to have with them.

Okay, so here's the discipline, here's the verbal instruction. What are we trying to do? We're trying to bring them up so that they come to a well-rounded, well-nourished experience intellectually, physically, spiritually, and socially. It's not easy, and it will require some changes on their part. Therefore, the possibilities of exasperation are profound.

Now, the point that Paul is making is this. He's not saying, "Oh guys, your children might be exasperated if you discipline them, so don't discipline them." He's not saying that at all. He's saying they need discipline, they need instruction, they need to be brought up—but be careful how you do it.

Because there's no need for you to be doing it in such a way that is squishing them, that is squashing them, that is keeping them down, that is not allowing them to be who they're intended to be. So continue bringing them up, continue doing all that is necessary for bringing them up, but do it fully recognizing how exasperating it can be.

Now, here's some ways in which we can exasperate our children. You can think of many more, I'm sure. And if you can't, ask your kids. They will help you with this. We can exasperate our children by our behavior, by being inconsiderate. The Victorians had a very simple rule: children should be seen and not heard.

Contrary to rumor, I was not brought up in the Victorian era, but there were remnants of it in the England in which I grew up as a child. And to a large extent, we were told children should be seen and not heard. What that meant really is that we weren't expected to be thinking, we weren't expected to have an opinion, and we certainly weren't expected to have feelings.

Which is a bit of an insult if you consider that children are actually little people. They really are people. Then they turn into junior high kids, but they start out as people. Little people. Now big people have opinions, big people have ideas, big people have feelings. Little people have ideas, little people have opinions, little people have feelings. To ignore that can be very inconsiderate and exasperate your children.

We can exasperate them by being inconsiderate. We can exasperate them by being inconsistent—saying one thing, doing another. I remember long before I ever came to live in America, flying from Jamaica to New York on route to London. And sitting next to me in the plane was a little lady from New York who was a chain smoker.

So I had the privilege of sitting breathing her secondhand cancer stick all the way from the Caribbean to New York. She was a bundle of nerves just all the time. Clouds of smoke enveloped us for the whole journey. And I said to her, "Are you nervous about flying?" She said, "Oh no, no, I'm not nervous about flying." I said, "You look a little nervous. Are you nervous about...?" She said, "Yes, I am."

I said, "Do you want to talk about it?" She said, "Yes, it's my teenagers." "Oh," I said, "I love teenagers. I work with teenagers. Tell me about your teenagers." She had two daughters. "Where are they?" She said, "They're in New York." I said, "Who are they staying with?" She said, "They're on their own."

I said, "Lady, you should be nervous. You've left your two teenage daughters on their own in New York." I said, "Are you particularly concerned about anything?" She said, "Yes, I'm afraid that they'll be smoking pot." I said, "No!" I said, "Do you think there could possibly be any connection between the fact that you are apparently a chain smoker and they might be interested in experimenting with pot?"

Who knows? She said there was no connection. I said, "I think there will be because that generation have been told two things. Number one: nicotine is addictive and cancer-causing, and pot isn't. That's what they've been told. So they're emulating you safely, they hope. They hope."

Now, notice I didn't say I believe that. That's what they were told in those days. This was in the sixties, I'm sure. Example: inconsistency drives kids nuts, and it should. Being inconsistent, being inconsiderate, being inconsequential, failing lamentably to play a parental role.

Some people desperately want to be their children's best friend. You're not their best friend. You're their parent. That doesn't mean to say you should be their biggest enemy, but it does mean that there's very little chance that you'll be their best friend. That is an entirely different thing, and you are utterly confusing yourself and the child if instead of being willing to be a parent, you want to be the best friend.

Guest (Male): This is Telling the Truth, the teaching ministry of Stuart and Jill Briscoe. And today Stuart is talking about not exasperating your kids and the impact you have on their relationship with God. He's coming right back with more.

One question we often hear from Telling the Truth listeners is, "What's the Bible secret to a long, happy marriage?" Over their years of ministry, Stuart and Jill Briscoe have both had a lot to say about this question. After all, they had the biblical wisdom and real-life experience—over 60 years of marriage—to back it up.

And in Jill's four-message series called Eight Things That Make a Marriage Work, she shares timeless truth on marriage from the Bible along with practical daily advice from her own marriage to Stuart. We want to help you build a marriage that stands the test of time as you apply biblical truth to help your marriage not only survive but thrive.

That's why we're excited to send you Eight Things That Make a Marriage Work, as well as a beautifully designed print featuring a Bible verse on marriage, as our thanks for your gift today. Your gift will help keep sharing the life-changing truth of God's love with people around the world through the resources and teaching of Telling the Truth.

This special offer ends Friday, so call today to request Eight Things That Make a Marriage Work when you give, 1-800-889-5388. That's 1-800-889-5388, or you can give online at tellingthetruth.org. Back to Stuart now on today's Telling the Truth.

Stuart Briscoe: We exasperate our children by our behavior. We exasperate our children by our parental approach. Parents are like trampolines. Adolescents are like gymnasts. The trampoline is a squishy sort of thing on which the gymnast steps and bounces.

And they kind of enjoy this bouncing feeling because it gives them a feeling of freedom. So they bounce a little harder, even more freedom. They bounce a little harder, even more freedom. And in the end, they get a feeling as if they're in orbit.

And as they get into orbit, they engage in all kinds of dramatic, esoteric gymnastics. And then they come back again and bounce on the parents again. The parents are the trampoline, the children are the gymnast. The key is how the trampoline is placed when the children come down again.

Sometimes the parents are missing. And sometimes when the children come down again, the parents are so taut and so strict, the kids break their necks on the ceiling. And sometimes they're so slack, they break their backs on the floor. Be a trampoline.

Oh, by the way, if you've got three or four teenagers, you need to understand that each one of them requires a certain difference in the trampoline tension. And they're all coming bouncing at the same time. Good luck. Exasperated by parental approach. Thirdly, we can exasperate them by failing to understand adolescence.

Look at it this way: your children are your fault. I mean, that is a simple rule. Your children are your fault. A kid was having an argument with his dad. "I didn't ask to be born in this family!" said he. And his father said, "You're right there. If you had asked, the answer would have been no."

Just a normal father-son relationship as they're going through adolescence. "I didn't ask to be born in this family." "No, and if you had, the answer would have been no." Well, he's right. He didn't ask to be born in that family. And he was introduced in the family through no fault of his own, utterly dependent on his parents.

And now he's going to be formed into a little person. And who's going to be doing the forming? The people who are in control. Now the years go by. Many years later, we discover a remarkable thing—that now the tables are totally reversed. And the parent is in very, very ill health, can't look after themselves, and they're utterly dependent on their children.

That's why we say be kind to your children; they will choose your nursing home. It can happen. They start totally dependent on you, you finish up totally dependent on them. If this is far-fetched, let me tell you something. When my mother got cancer—well, when she got cancer the final time—we were here in America, she was back in England.

My brother took three months off from his work, moved into her home. She was a widow. And cared for her for three months and she died in his arms. Totally dependent. Now, if it starts out with the child totally dependent and the parent completely in charge, and finishes up with the child in charge and the parent totally dependent, look at the transitions that take place over this great continuum.

It's got to happen. But the thing to remember is this: that the critical time is adolescence where the great changes are taking place over a period of about four years. And it is traumatic for everybody. I'll tell you why. It is traumatic for the young people because all they've known so far is the identity of a child.

Now they're trying to create the identity of an adult, and they are totally inexperienced. They haven't a clue. Now, if they're going to produce the identity of an adult, the only way they can do it is by differentiating between themselves and their parents. They're going to be putting some distance between themselves and their parents.

So they'll start wearing what their mother just hates. They'll start piercing their bodies and implanting things that their father thinks is absolutely nuts. They'll start listening to music that their parents think is just bizarre. Why are they doing it? They're trying to create the identity of an adult.

And how do you do it? By getting rid of the identity of a child. And what was the identity of a child? Totally wrapped up with the parent. So you've got to differentiate with your parent. Now, while this is going on on the one hand, the parent is relinquishing on the other hand.

And the parent has never been the parent of an adult before either. They are totally inexperienced. So all you've got is two totally inexperienced people learning by making mistakes. That's where the exasperation comes in. Unless, of course, there's a willingness to recognize that we're in this together. We're two halves of a pair of scissors and that we need to be helping each other.

Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. And parents, don't exasperate your children by your behavior, by your inconsistency, by being inconsequential, by not understanding adolescence, by refusing to relinquish, or by refusing to act as a parent, or by insisting that the child be experienced where they're not, or by giving them freedom that they can't handle, or by holding them back when they need to be free.

Don't exasperate your children, but recognize that there's only one way—there's only one way that you're going to have the wisdom and the power and the grace and the patience to deal with this business. And you know what that is? In the fullness of the Spirit.

And that's what Paul is saying. "Don't be drunk with wine, which leads to all kinds of wrong living, but be filled with the Spirit." And in the fullness of the Spirit, you'll be singing and you'll be speaking, you'll be giving thanks and you'll be submitting.

And out of this submissive attitude, husbands and wives and parents and children, you'll begin to discover that you're growing up together and maturing in the Lord and will begin to produce people living Christianly. And that's what our tired old world needs.

And that's what the church needs to be producing. Because at the core of our society are families, and it's in the families that this kind of business needs to be done.

Guest (Male): Families growing and maturing to be more like Christ, one member at a time. Isn't that what every family should strive for? Stuart Briscoe on today's Telling the Truth. He's coming right back to talk about what he learned during the process of letting go when it was time for his own children to leave the nest.

God has given you the secrets to a long-lasting and joy-filled marriage, and they're found throughout the pages of scripture. We want to help you mine the treasures of God's word so that you can grow your marriage God's way. That's why we're excited to send you Jill Briscoe's four-message series, Eight Things That Make a Marriage Work.

This powerful series will breathe new life into your marriage as you learn to anchor your relationship to God's truth. And for this week only, we'll send you Eight Things That Make a Marriage Work along with a special design print featuring a Bible verse on marriage as our thanks for your gift this month to keep sharing the teaching and resources of Telling the Truth with so many around the world.

Generous friends like you keep broadcasts like this one going, reaching others with God's healing love so they can experience life in Christ. If you haven't given before, consider a gift today to help keep God's word going out to you and many others.

And remember, Friday is the last day to request Eight Things That Make a Marriage Work and your Bible verse print when you call and give. Just call 1-800-889-5388. 1-800-889-5388, or you can give online when you visit tellingthetruth.org. Here are Stuart's answers to a couple of questions about his message.

Guest (Male): Stuart, what do you think is a big mistake parents today make?

Stuart Briscoe: Well, now I must make a confession here that as soon as I heard that question, an answer popped into my mind which is not appropriate, but I'm going to tell you anyway. Stuart, what do you think is the biggest mistake parents make? Answer: having kids. All right, have a laugh. Now let's bit get serious. What is the biggest mistake parents make?

Well, I don't know that there is one biggest mistake, but one rather significant mistake very often is that parents make the mistake of deciding what their child's future is going to be, and they try to organize it and manipulate it and control it. And the reality is that the child should be given the tools to make good decisions.

The child should be helped to understand the options that are available, but the reality is that they're going to make their own decisions in the end. And so don't try to make their decisions for them. Don't try to bribe them or cajole them or threaten them, but do give them the tools to make wise, informed decisions. That is the role to take.

Guest (Male): Stuart, having been there, what would you say to the parent who is just on the cusp of letting go?

Stuart Briscoe: The way I look at parenting is on the basis of parenting being a continuum. It starts out with the parent being completely in control and with the child totally dependent. All right, fast-forward to the other end of life and you may discover that the children are basically in control—like choosing your nursing home, etc., etc.—and to a greater or lesser extent, the child is dependent.

Now, that is a total reversal of roles. And this total reversal of roles has a particularly specific area where the greatest challenge takes place. And that is when the child, who needs to have a degree of independence, can only get that degree of independence when the parents are willing to release.

Now, some parents can't wait to release and kick the kids out and just say, "Oh good, that's that over." And other parents are just the opposite: they hang on and they hang on and they hang on, and they want to keep control of their child. The problem there is that in both instances, the parents are being fundamentally selfish.

Some are giving the kid more independence than he can handle because they just want to be rid of the responsibility. That is selfishness. By the same token, the parent who wants to hold on to the child when the child really needs to have a degree of freedom and independence is not doing it because of the best interest of the child; frequently, they're often doing it because of their own fears and their own shortcomings.

Guest (Male): Great stuff from Stuart Briscoe. Before you go, we want to remind you that through Friday only, when you give to continue sharing God's word through Telling the Truth broadcasts like this one, we'll send you Jill Briscoe's four-message series, Eight Things That Make a Marriage Work, along with a Bible verse print about marriage.

This powerful series will encourage you with eight biblical keys to a healthy, life-giving marriage. This resource offer ends Friday, so don't miss out. Be sure to request your copy when you call 1-800-889-5388. 1-800-889-5388, or you can give online when you visit tellingthetruth.org. Thanks for listening today on Telling the Truth. Come back next time for more encouragement from God's word that will help you experience life.