Telling the Truth for Women

Jill Briscoe: Turn to Ecclesiastes chapter four. I'm going to read it in a new translation in The Message, so you needn't follow it in your own Bible. But it says this, nine to 12, "It's better to have a partner than to go it alone. Share the work, share the wealth. And if one falls down, the other helps. But if there's no one to help, tough. Two in a bed warm each other. Alone, you shiver all night. By yourself, you're unprotected. With a friend, you can face the worst. Can you round up a third? A three-strand rope isn't easily snapped."

Isn't that fresh? Whenever you come to the scriptures, I would advise, if you can get a program if you're on a computer that is a Bible program, there are some that you can go to ten versions and they just come up on your screen without you having to go to all the different things and read each one of them, which is the old-fashioned way which I usually do. But it's so neat to read a small passage of scripture in ten different versions.

It is good to look at all different versions because they peek around the corner of the verse or they use a little light and shine it on a verse and it comes up in technicolor because you haven't quite seen the color of it in one version. And so as you're studying your Bible, I hope you have the tools that you need and if you can't get a computer program, then just do the book thing and get different versions of the book and that helps.

Women, particularly, live their lives in their relationships. The difference between men and women. So that's why friendship is probably higher on the agenda than it is for our guys. It's very important that men have friends and their friendship takes on a whole different look. Women don't get what the men need either from men. And so we've got a lot to learn about men's friendships and women's friendships. But where women's friendships are concerned, and that's what we're dealing with here today, we live our lives. If our relationships are going right, we're okay.

But if somewhere there is a rupture, if somewhere there is a chasm, if somewhere there is pain and sorries that need to be said and disruption among family or friends, we feel that I am convinced, somehow we take it to heart more than the guys do. And that's because we're women and because we live in those areas of heart and relationship so much of the time.

The devil knows this. Of course, he knows most of the things about us. He doesn't have God's knowledge, but he certainly knows that we're vulnerable where relationships are concerned. And this passage of scripture is talking about all relationships. It's not talking about marriage. I hear this passage given and that's fair enough, quite all right to use it in a marriage ceremony. It's not just about friends. It is about all relationships. Companionships. And so you can apply it wherever you like. But particularly it lends itself to thinking about friendship. Just good, solid biblical friendship, the gift of God.

There's a saying from the Talmud, "A man without companions is like a left hand without the right." And I think that's true. To be friendless in a friendless world is a very frightening, frightening thing. How would you rate yourself as a friend? Which of the words in all honesty would you put across yourself as a friend? Forgiving, supportive, trusting? Are you a gossip? Can you hear something that's very personal and keep it to yourself? Are you watertight? Are you a good listener? Are you affectionate, manipulative, thoughtful, jealous, bossy, humorless, loyal, insecure, inflexible, honest, angry, fun?

I can apply many of those, I'm afraid, to myself. I can't apply the fun. My husband said to me one day years ago, "You're not much fun, Jill." That was very hard to hear, but I needed it because I get very intense and very serious and very negative. And what I needed to do was to allow myself the fun that I needed. So I said, "I don't know how to do that." And he said, "I know you don't. Let me help you." He took my calendar off the wall and he wrote, "Have fun Thursday 4:30." Then I could do it, right? Because it was a scheduled thing.

Friendship withers under no humor. There has to be humor of some sort in the friendship. If it's all intense and it's all serious and it's all deep, deep, it can't breathe. God's gift of humor is a wonderful thing and if you're like me, then put it on your schedule, work at it. I have to work at having fun. "Oh, it's Thursday. Oh dear, I have to have fun today." But that's why God brings into my life women who are a lot of fun and they make me laugh. I have friends that make me cry. I have friends that make me laugh and I need both.

Friendship. I wrote a book, "Thank You for Being a Friend," because I got to the point in my life, I just wanted to thank some friends in my life who had been pivotal at different points in my life. And so I made a long list and then I selected ten of those women who had been in the right place at the right time for me as a friend and I wrote to them and I thanked them. And basically then I expanded that letter into a chapter and I tried to figure out what was the element of friendship that woman gave me that I needed to be thankful for. Very good exercise. Do it.

And then I put pen to paper and before it was ever published, I said, "Do I have permission to put this in a book? Because I want to thank you publicly for being a friend." And Angela, of course, is one of those friends when I went to Capernwray to missions. She was my husband's secretary. She was saved through Billy Graham's Manchester mission. She was an air stewardess, an air hostess, beautiful girl. And she came to stay with us through a connection. While she was there, my husband's secretary at the mission quit and went to France as a missionary and he was left without a secretary.

He came home one day and he said, "Angela, I've only just got to know you but I wish you were a secretary instead of an air hostess." She said, "Well, actually I am. I went from that into air hostess." And he said, "Well, I wish you had two languages because we work with Germans and French and we have to interpret." She said, "Well, actually I have a master's in French. I had to as an air hostess in those days if you're a British air stewardess you had to have three languages." And so we went down the list and he hired her on the spot.

And Angela walked into our lives and she became probably the closest friend I've ever had in my life. God knows when we need a very special friend for a very special time and Angela was that for me. She was my saving grace because that was the period, though I knew it not, that God was going to take my husband on the road as an evangelist. So for ten months of the year for ten years, he was away. I had no idea that was ahead. For the mission, that's what he did. He planted the mission all over the world. You can't do that from home. That was his job. That was it.

And Angela and I began to do ministry together. That's how we got to know each other. And we took off. I had a lot of time on my hands when you don't have a husband to iron for and cook for. It's amazing how much time they take up. Never realized until he wasn't there all this spare time. Wonderful. And so Angie and I took off into the neighborhood and we began street ministry and we began working with the kids. And in the venue or the arena of ministry, I found a friend.

And I would like to encourage you to look in your ministry, to look in your leadership, because you have so much heart in common. You have so much vision and purpose and things that are already in place. And don't think, "Well, I can't be a friend with another leader, it's going to cause jealousy," and that's another subject and it could. But just look in ministry. And when I think of what Angie and I got up to together in those crazy ten years of ministry, well, I've written some books about those illustrations. But it was Angela and I that would tumble back into my little lodge at the mission station, probably three in the morning after being on the streets with the street kids and whatnot.

And we would laugh and we would cry and we would giggle and we would go over what had happened that night. And incidentally, this morning, I get an email from our very first boy on the streets who came to Christ. And here on my computer is this man, now as old as me nearly, and he is saying, "I was listening to the radio in England and a Jill Briscoe was speaking and I wonder, could this possibly be the Jill Ryder that I met?" And that was the first street kid I ever led to Christ in Liverpool before I ever went. And so I was able to write back to Kevin and say yes.

He said, "I was listening, I thought." And I apparently had been telling some stories about the street ministry and it all began and he thought, "Goodness, never knew what happened to her." And he didn't know I was in America and all of that, but he wrote to the station and Premier Radio sent that on to me this morning. And so what I want to say is in ministry, those sort of things drive you together. And I remember the night that Kevin came to Christ. I wrote a little play called "Sitting on the Fence" and we took it out to the streets and the bars and the drug dives and all these places.

And it was just a little bit of drama that got people's attention. And I sat a girl literally on a wooden fence with a little seat on it and I had the crowd of the devil and I had the crowd of God, God's crowd, and they sang little songs and tried to get the girl off the fence. She was sitting on the fence and she had to make a decision one way or the other. It was just a very simple little thing with guitar music and it was the Beatles era. Kids made music just they couldn't write it but they could sure make it.

And so I took my team of teenagers in there and we were doing street ministry and suddenly out of the back came a brick. I mean, it was a really big brick and it took the girl on the fence right off the fence, back. And the fence was quite high. And fortunately, some of the kids that were on each side caught the fence, caught the girl, otherwise she would have just smashed her head on the concrete. That was Kevin. That's how I met him. He was the one that threw the brick. And God redeemed him and here he is.

And to my amazement in this email he says, "You won't believe this, but I'm a deacon in my church now." And it's very hard for me to believe, I want you to know that. But God can change anybody. Ministry. And even when I go back to the UK and Angie and I get together, we sit at her fire in her little mission's house. She's retired now. She spent the whole of the mission's life. When I left, she took over that work in the warehouse and then she became the dean of students at our Bible school.

And of course, we've kept in touch all these years. But we talk and we talk and we giggle again and we laugh again and we cry again because ministry is the most incredible place to find your friends. Side-by-side. Equals. Doesn't matter what you're doing. Equals. And so that's what Ecclesiastes says, "Two are better than one because they have a good return for their labor." You'll get more done for Jesus. You'll get more done for everything if you have a friend.

Letter B: Misery. Side-by-side, face-to-face. Dictionary definition: A supporter or sympathizer, an assistant. Friends face things together. Ecclesiastes 4:10, "If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and no one to help him up." Or as I read in The Message, "Tough." Wasn't that great? What was it? Let me read it again. "And if one falls down, the other helps. But if there's no one to help, tough." That's Eugene Peterson. It's tough. It is tough. You've taken a fall. You've been criticized. You've been ripped to shreds. You've been hurt. From within the church, for example.

And you look around and think, "I need somebody to help me up. I'm bent over. Somebody has given me a blow in the middle and it's put me bent over." That happens in church all the time. I want to go out of here looking for those bent people and I want to be the person in Jesus' name that gets down and lifts them up. That's ministry. And so as the two are walking along and one falls down, if you have a friend you can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up.

Now then, let's talk about this. When I became a Christian, I put myself under accountability to the girl that led me to Christ. And I literally said to her as much as I can, as much as I know myself, I will do everything you tell me to do. So be careful what you tell me to do. But if you pray about it and you tell me you want me to do this, that, or the other, I am telling you I will be accountable to you and I will try my level best to do it. She took full advantage of that. Full advantage.

The first thing she did the next day was present me with ten books. Big books. One was a theology book, one was a missions book, one was a devotional, one was a how to lead somebody to Christ, one was a Christian history book. And she said, "I give you a month. I want you to read them all and write me a book report." I did it. And then she said, "Now I want you to go back to college and lead somebody to Christ this week and bring them to see me." She was still in hospital. I was saved in hospital. "Bring them to see me next week at visiting time."

I said, "Okay." If she told me the moon was cheese I would have believed her. My whole life would never be the same. She'd led me to the Lord. And so I did it. She's told me since that she was a little surprised but managed to hide it when I arrived with my convert. And she closed her eyes for a minute and then she said, "Well done, Jill, but only one?" She pushed me. And I tried to keep my end of the bargain. Jenny held me to account as probably nobody else has ever done in my friendships. Incredible. Jesus sent his disciples out two by two.

You know that girl, she was a top nurse, she was a theater nurse, she was desperately ill when I met her. She was desperately ill when she led me to Christ. She was going under the knife to mend her back which had had three operations, nothing had worked. And she'd just started to tell me about the Lord and they came and gave her that injection that makes you woozy. And she was saying as she was going slightly dizzy, "Stay there, don't go away, don't go away. I've got more to tell you. I've got more to tell you." All the way into the operating theater.

And believe me, when they brought her back and she began to come out, "Are you there? Are you there? Are you there? Are you there?" She went to sleep thinking about me, she woke up thinking about me and was very relieved that I hadn't got better. In fact, she said as she went, "Don't get better," because she needed me there because I hadn't come to the Lord. And this was Janet. And I tell you, she got sort of better afterwards, went back to nursing and took a night job so that she could earn some money to send me to Bible school. And she invested in my life.

Why would I not be accountable to a woman who invested in my life? And it's sort of easy. And then when I was down, she was there to lift me up. And I was down pretty well. I had a rocky road to start with. I was about to be asked to leave Cambridge because of my behavior and those things had not been sorted out when I came to Christ. And I was down pretty well, tough stuff. And Jenny was there. She was there, she was always there. "I'm only a phone call away," she'd say. "Jill, just get on the phone, tell me what to pray about."

So pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up. She was always biblical. Be biblical. She always came to me from scripture. If you want to really help people and grow your friendship, be biblical. Find a principle in the scriptures to help the person who has been knocked down. I don't mean hit everything with a Bible verse, but the principle of the Bible verse, that's what you need for them. And that way you can help them.

I think of David and Jonathan. I mean, here's David, he's hiding from Saul, Jonathan's father, who's trying to kill him. And he's going to this cave and he's going to that cave and Saul's getting ever nearer. And Jonathan and Saul, the scripture says, were like one. Saul adored his son. Jonathan adored his father. But now here is David, his best friend, being hunted to death by his father. Think about it. Dysfunctional family here. And what does Jonathan do? Secretly he goes and finds David and he says, "I'm your friend. I'm your friend. As long as I'm alive, my father won't kill you. And I know he won't because you're going to be king."

Now think about this. Jonathan was next in line to be king. And he looks at David and says, "You know, God's going to make you king and when he is, I'll serve you at my throne." And it says that he strengthened his hand in the Lord. I love that phrase. Jonathan strengthened his friend. He strengthened his hand in the Lord at great risk to himself because Saul in his madness at that point, he would have killed Jonathan if he'd known what was happening. He took a huge risk for his friend.

And when his friend David was down as I can't imagine what David was feeling like, totally alone. It was before he had friends. He was alone, he was being hunted like an animal at this point. And here is Jonathan. And it says he strengthened and they made a friendship pact and they promised each other that they would be there for each other. It's a wonderful, wonderful, wonderful story. If one falls down his friend can help him up, but pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up. Be biblical.

I've often told the people about that story and I've been able to say to people, "I'll be that Jonathan for you. I'll strengthen your hand in the Lord." This isn't to go on forever, probably, this is just this one incident. But I am here in your life at this point and you have fallen down and so I want to strengthen your hand in the Lord and sometimes it has been at the cost of other things in my life that you have to stand up and say, "I'm going to friend that person. I'm going to befriend them."

So you give encouragement when they're down. It might be sin, it might be pornography, it might be that suddenly one of your best friends finds her husband's messing on the internet. That is very common in the ministry today as most of you know, that problem. The pastor's wife finds that her husband's looking at things that he shouldn't be and bringing them up on the church computer. Incredible things. And here's the wife saying, "What do I do with this? Who do I talk to about this?" Yeah, who do you talk to about that? Well, if you've got a friend as God intends us to be a friend, there'll be somebody to talk to. And when you flatten your face, what a blessing. What a blessing of grace to have a friend.

If somebody is cold spiritually, you can give them soul heat. Just as two lying together get body heat, you can give somebody soul heat when they're cold. I think one of the things that I see David taking more than anything else is criticism at all different levels. Serious, life-threatening criticism, if you wish, but also just when he was king and leader of Israel, he just got bombarded. And I don't know how well you do, we ought to have a whole conference just on handling criticism because that's something none of us handle very well.

And if we handle it well against ourselves, what do we do with criticism against our husband? I do pretty well with criticism against myself because I know I deserve it. But when somebody gets after my husband, watch out. I find that incredibly difficult to handle. And if somebody gets after my kids, right, then you see the tiger, right? And that's church, you're going to have this criticism. So be biblical, be practical, and be verbal if you have to. Okay, just confront people.

When some people come up to me or have in the past and criticize my husband, I'll say, "I'm married to the man, have you forgotten?" Something nice like that will stop them and they'll stop in midstream and look at me as if, and then just go on. And then I'll tap them on the shoulder and I'll say, "I can't stand here and listen to you talking about my husband like this. I don't do that about your wife." "Well, I didn't like to talk to him because we're easier to get to, right?" It's easier to tell the pastor's wife what you don't like about the pastor than it is to face him up and tell him what you don't like in yourself.

And so all of these things, be practical and be verbal. Just stop it. Don't put another log on the fire. It's talking about gossip. And somebody starts a little fire. Well, our job is not to put another log on the fire to feed the flames. Our job is to smother the flames and to scatter the ashes and not allow one more thing to be said about anybody, not even our husbands or children. And I always say, "Have you talked to them about this? Don't talk to me about this. Talk to them." So be practical, be verbal. Side-by-side, face-to-face.

And lastly, Mastery: back-to-back. Dictionary definition: A person on the same side in a struggle, allies the foe. They're allies opposed to the foe. Individualism and division make for weakness. Unity strengthens in the battle. That's all under friendship in the English dictionary. Talks about unity strengthens in battle. Ecclesiastes, "Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves." We're in ministry. It's not a playground, it's a battleground. Right. And we're in a battle. And if you're any good and God is using you, the battle will get worse, not better.

So if you're not in a battle, what's the matter? What's not happening? You'll be in a battle. If you're making the devil sorry he started the thing in the first place, there'll be a battle. And then you need to stand back-to-back. Back-to-back. The ancient Brits who were invaded by the Romans, while they fought in detached parties, they sacrificed the general cause. In other words, they didn't stand back-to-back facing both ways. And there's a wonderful illustration in scripture in Joab and Abishai find themselves surrounded by the enemy.

And so they turn back-to-back and Joab says, "That's yours and this is mine." And they literally stood back-to-back. And then Joab says, "You shall help me against my enemy and then I will help you against yours." So whichever one of us is doing well can turn around and help me. And it's just a great, great picture of friendship when you're in a battle and you've got foes encircling you. And that's what often ministry is. You need to remember a couple of things here. People are not the enemy. Satan is the enemy. People are not the enemy.

I was talking to somebody that had just been to see Narnia and this woman friend of mine is in ministry, she's in missions actually, and she said, "I'm having a terrible trouble with another woman in the mission. It's just horrible, it's awful. Small group of people in an isolated place in the world. Your friends are picked for you, your colleagues are picked for you, you don't have any choice and you find yourself confined in this little tiny difficult area in a foreign culture and then two of you fall out, two women." You can't afford that in that situation, but it happens all the time all over the world.

And I said, "Well, what's the trouble?" And she just began to pour out what was happening and I just stopped her and I said, "She's not the enemy. Don't you see?" Because her whole language was telling me that she saw this woman as her enemy. You've got to see beyond that. Jesus said to Peter, "Get thee behind me, Satan." He didn't say, "Get thee behind me, Peter." Peter wasn't the enemy. Satan was the enemy. And if you're going to work in difficult situations with somebody else and seek for reconciliation and partnership, and you have to when you're closed up in ministry together, just has to be or you're going to split things, split a church, whatever, then that's where you have to start.

We're in a battle, number one, that's how it is. Number two, they are not the enemy. He is not the enemy. She is not the enemy. She said to me, actually, "I've just been to see Narnia and thank you for that, that was helpful because you're telling me she's not the White Witch." I said, "Right. She's not the White Witch." And then I added the line from the bottom of that film that really struck my heart and I said, "Aslan isn't a tame lion." So she's not the White Witch, he's not a tame lion, and you're halfway to putting the thing together.

So there's safety in numbers. If you've got two good friends, then add another and you've got even more strength. The more friends you have who love Jesus, the more chance you have of winning the battle. Then there's three of you. Two back-to-back and one out here in case the enemy comes here and you're standing there for each other, guarding each other's backs. I had a wonderful... I've got so many illustrations from our vacation in Antarctica. And one of them is my nemesis on this trip with the seals because we're landing where nobody's ever landed before.

And they take you in the zodiacs, you get out in your swamp boots and all your gear and you have to plod through the ice and whatnot and make your landing, get up on the beach. And you are met with hundreds of seals at this time of year with their babies. And so they give you all the instructions of what to do. And so you pick up two stones and you clap them. If they come for you, you just clap the stones and that'll be all right. So I was frantically looking for stones, which there were none on my part of the beach.

So I was thinking, well, they landed us at the wrong place and I've no stones and never mind. So then you just use your hands. And I was really frightened. I want to tell you that is an understatement. I was really, really frightened. There were elephant seals. Have you ever seen an elephant seal? How big they are and their great big mouths and they're fighting and there's blood all down themselves because they're fighting each other. But they actually are not the ones you worry about. You only worry about them if they fall on you.

So you avoid being anywhere near an elephant seal. But the ones you have to watch are the fur seals and the leopard seals, but they're usually in the water. They're in the water that you have to get into to get to the beach, incidentally. So here are the fur seals and they are aggressive and they're the ones you have to clap your hands and there's no way through to where we're trying to go, which is the penguins and the albatrosses and the glaciers and all of that, but through them. You have to go through them.

So you're in this little zodiac, there's ten of you or if the weather is bad there's five of you or six of you, depending on the weather, and that's your group. And what they're teaching you on this whole trek is team building and work together and help each other. And they said what you need to do is get on the beach and stand back-to-back before you start anything. Just make a circle so that you've all got your backs to each other. Then you'll figure out, they're my seals, they're his seals. And they have a territory.

It's quite small but not small enough. And if you step into their territory, then they will come for you and you know, just frantically... And then you can say, you deal with yours and then they deal with theirs and there's safety because you don't know what's behind you. And you can step back and step into one of the seals' territories, but if you're standing in a circle back-to-back then you're helping each other. You can see where the enemy's coming from. Okay. Well, then you get through some of them and then you have to walk a long way along the shore before you start climbing up the tussock grass where the seals are all in there with their babies anyway, but you get hold of the tussock and you pull yourself up this whatever it is on the way to see the million penguins, which is what you've gone to see, who unfortunately are the other side of the range.

And so you're climbing up here and meeting seals at very close quarters, which is absolutely terrifying. And I noticed something. On a stretch of beach that was going up like this before we started climbing, our group was walking along together. And you find out a lot about yourself. And I decided I was going to put myself in the middle of the group so they'd get eaten first. How Christian is that? I didn't care about how Christian it was. Just wanted to be in the middle. But then I noticed something. Everybody else wanted to be in the middle too. So we're all sort of... I mean, we're getting nowhere because we're all positioning ourselves in the middle of the group.

Well, that night every night we have a recap by our experts who are training us in all of this stuff. And the question was, "Can I ask a question? As we observed all the groups today, who was trying to get in the middle of the group?" And we all roared laughing because all of us were. And he said, "I'll tell you a better way: stand back-to-back." And that's where that came from, that instead of trying self-preservation of getting yourself in the safest place, everybody take their part in watching from the enemy in all different directions. It's a great spiritual parallel for me.

And if you've got a prayer group, stand back-to-back. You're all looking at different aspects that need praying for. You're not all praying for the same thing. You're saying this old thing over here is an elephant seal and this old thing here is a leopard seal and this old thing here is a whatever it is. And then you can shout, "Look out! It's coming!" and everybody goes together. Back-to-back. Chord of three strands is not quickly torn apart. I'd like to say one or two things about not being exclusive in your friendships.

Friendship is elusive. If you find a friend, you've got a grace gift. Appreciate it, nurture it, but don't be exclusive. And especially women, you have to know this. Yes, of course you can and must have friends. If you have friends within the church, don't spend time in the church when you're there with your friend. Ignore them, basically. Do your friendship stuff outside because there's nothing that can cause problems in a women's ministry, particularly, as if the leader or the pastor's wife is exclusive within the group with her friend. That's a disaster waiting to happen.

And so that's one lesson I've learned in ministry, in women's ministry over the years. I have wonderful friends all in leadership of that ministry, but when we are doing women's ministry in our church building, you wouldn't even know that we knew each other very well. Because we are being inclusive. We are bringing other people into our friendships and that is very, very important. Do not be exclusive, be inclusive. Be inclusive. And let the women know, "You're welcome in my heart. You're welcome, come in." And that will save you a whole lot of trouble.

And you say, "But where do I find a friend? I need a friend. I need a Jonathan. I don't think I need a Nathan but I know I need one. And I need this and I need that and I need another." Where do you find them? Be one. How do you find a friend? Be a friend. That's how you find them. And as you befriend someone else, it comes back. The comeback comes. And the people who find it hardest in friendship is when they... it's all about them. Me, it's what I need from you. But you start and be a friend to someone and then you'll find that person will come back and bless you.

So where do you find them? Where do you find these friends? Well, I've talked about ministry. Do they have to be a peer? How much do you have in common with someone? Sometimes that helps if you have something in common. Doesn't have to be. Naomi and Ruth were different cultures, but they became very close friends. You know, Ruth's name means friendship? Godly friendship, did you know that? And she was living with a very bitter woman called Naomi. My daughter and I wrote a book about that and about their relationship, "Space to Breathe, Room to Grow."

And it was Ruth's godly loving friendship that transformed a bitter woman into a better woman, Naomi. It was her friendship. And if you want to know what friendship looks like, study the first chapter of the book of Ruth and list the things that Ruth said to her mother-in-law on the way to Bethlehem. And you'll learn a lot about friendship. So do they have to be the same culture, do they have to be the same color, do they have to be the same creed, do they have to be the same denomination? No.

Do they have to be a believer? There's a different sort of friendship. I think many of my friends weren't believers when I became a friend and I was able to introduce them to my friend and now they're good... you know what I mean. But I don't think Christians today know how to be a friend to unbelievers and I think that's one of the problems our churches aren't growing. We don't know how to be a true friend, not just for their spiritual scalp's sake, but just to love them for their own sake and to be willing to make that friendship happen.

I try to be doing that. I don't do as well now because I'm never here to do it, but I've tried to do that all along to have at least one person I am working with because it is hard work to be a friend with non-believers because the things they're interested in, I'm not. You have to find something you can do together, to walk or to play tennis or to, you know, whatever. But find something in common with a non-believer. But I'm basically talking here about believers. Can they be in family? Can you be a friend?

I've heard two or three people say you cannot be a friend if you're a parent with your teenage children. I think that's nonsense. I think it's absolute nonsense. I was sitting in a seminar last month and the expert said, "Stop being a friend and be a parent." And I had a long talk with him afterwards. And I believe you can be a parent and a friend. You can be a parental friend. You can be a friend. In fact, I think it's essential you're a friend when you have teenagers. And it's not easy, especially 12 to 15, the horror years. Because you have to forgive them for being 13 and then 14 and then 15. And they have to forgive you for being 45 or 30, whatever you are.

And there's a lot of forgiving, of course. Friendship is made up of two good forgivers. That's what friendship is. And when we were raising our teenagers, I remember struggling specifically with my daughter, thinking what common ground can I have in that horrible period. They go to bed one darling, little wonderful, compliant child one night and they wake up in the morning and come downstairs around the corner saying, "Where's mother? Let's have a fight." And I looked at this child and thought, "Who stole my daughter overnight? Who is this creature?" Overnight, that has changed so drastically. Right? 13. 13.

Then I began to work at friendship. Now I'd been working from a long, long time back. You can't suddenly do it at 13. You've got to work and work and work when they're little to be their friend. But I tell you, the strain on a very, very wonderful mother-daughter friendship came at that point, 13 to 15. And when I wrote this book, "Thank You for Being a Friend," the last chapter's on Judy. And I started it, "Thank you most of all for being my friend, for making me forget I'm over 40." That was a long time ago now I wrote this book.

"For walking on the beach or in the mall with me, for slipping your arm through mine, even when your friends are there with their mothers, for giggling and saying I'm glad we're super close, Mom." Can you possibly know what that's worth, Judy? I was able to tell her and write it after the fact. But I think it took more energy being a friend with my daughter in her teenage years than it's taken the rest of her life. You have to do it and don't listen to people that say you can't be a friend.

Whatever that looks like, it'll be looking different for each one of you, but just pray God show me because the elements of friendship are what's going to keep you sane and her in your life and in your orbit. It's going to be incredible. And I did terrible things to my daughter. My daughter reminded me the other day, "Mother, do you remember me going to the first dance?" And Christians don't dance even in Europe, so this was a cultural thing for me to allow my child to go to the school dance.

But I got over that and threw myself into it and I said, "Well, let's go and buy a dress." So we get to Brookfield Square and the fashions at that point were skimpy. They're sort of full-circle at the moment, I think, but they were very skimpy. And I wanted more material. I can't even bring myself to tell you what I did. I took her to the maternity shop. Yes. Because the first size is no different, there's just more material, right? And really pretty. And I bought her a dress. There is a lot of forgiving still to be done on her part on that night. I think it's taken 30 years to laugh about that, even.

I don't know what you have to do but learn, learn somehow, some way to laugh and to cry and to hug and to walk and to play, play, play, play. I remember signing Judy up for racquetball with her mother once a week and telling her, she didn't look delighted at all. "We are going to play racquetball once a week, whether you like it or not." "Well, I don't like it." "Well, you're going to do it anyway." And I'd pick her up off the bus and we'd go and after a little bit she would say, "Mom, it's racquetball today." And you'd just find something to do in their orbit, in their world, something that they could enjoy and you do it together.

So can they be family? Of course. Hopefully yes, yes, yes. Grow your friendship with your husband, grow your friendship with your children, grow your friendship with your grandchildren as best you can. Jesus said just love each other. It's very simple. There's a fable about John the Apostle that when he was very old, in his 90s or whatever, he didn't die in exile. They brought him back as a very, very old man off Patmos and he died in Ephesus, they believe. And in his very ancient days, they'd carry him in on a pallet to the local church.

"Oh, here's John, he's coming." And they'd lay him down there and then after the service and everything had happened, they'd say, "Do you say a word to the people, John? Do you say a word to the people?" And he'd always say the same thing: "Love one another." They'd say, "Do you have nothing else to say?" And he said, "What else is there to say?" This is the Son of Thunder, remember. What else is there to say? Just love each other. Jesus looked at his 12 men, his best friends, and he said, "Love each other, guys." My heart... Read John 17.

He spends most of it talking about unity and love. Just love each other, guys. That'll make me happy. Make me happy. And so if you're going to have a friend, two are better than one, all of that, won't be overpowered. Don't be exclusive, be inclusive. All of that. And then I'll just say two practical things. Have you ever told your friends that you appreciate them? I want you to think about doing that. Either verbally or in a little note or buy a book or a tape, put a little note in it and say, "This is what I do."

I was touched by somebody that came and said our women's ministry sent us and we want to buy them each a gift as a thank you for being our friends to send them here to this conference. But I don't need to give you ideas. American women are marvelous at practical ways of thanking each other and being creative and all of that. And so just think of a way of thanking them and then secondly pray for them and tell them that you're praying for them often. Just keep telling them. I have the advantage of some of you, perhaps, because I can write books.

And so I write my thank yous for the world to share if they wish. Makes me feel pretty vulnerable to write these little books, I want you to know. I'm just out there, my heart's out there. But I am hoping it will stimulate you to sit on the steps of your soul and have conversations of your own and so that's why I'm doing it. I have prayer journals that I've prayed for my children. And in the front of "The Deep Place Where Nobody Goes," I'm just going to finish this by reading you my heartbeat, my intro here.

I carry them with me to the deep place where nobody goes, those I love better than myself. Gifts of grace so precious. And I take my deep longings and hopes for my life and theirs to him and he never disappoints me, he's ever there waiting. Today I'm so, so thankful. Can you hear it, lover of my soul? I hear it. It's my heartbeat. I know it well. I hear its language. I read its longing. I shape the love beats into prayers and the angels gather every one so none is lost. You are heard. Tell me, though I know it already, who does your heart beat for today?

Well, my heart beats for the man in my life. The one you gave me nearly 50 man-years ago. My husband, my other self, my friend. For whom I thank you every day. How could you match me a man so well? One who never allows me to take myself too seriously. One who's brought the soft colors of life, love and laughter to my worry world, teasing out the knots of naughtiness in my stomach, chivying me into rest. One who constantly challenges me to be the woman you want me to be because he insists on being the man you wanted him to be and nothing else.

Jesus first and last, Jesus all in all. I love that in him, perhaps above all else. What a gift. No gray in this partnership, only the rainbow of promises even after rain. Hear me for this man of mine and yours. I hear you. It's recorded. I will bless him. And hear my heartbeat for our adult children and their spouses, heart partners all in Jesus. Loving and glory-giving. Grow gold relationships like sunflowers ever bright and beautiful in the garden of our small shared moments. And make me the perfect grandmother even as you made me the perfect mother. I wish.

I hear it. It's recorded. You didn't do it all wrong, Jill. I'll bless them all. And the grandchildren, what can I say? How can you be so generous in gifting us with 13 lives? Each unique and precious, joy of our heart. See them, Lord. I bring them all to the deep place for you to bless. Lay your hands on their heads, fulfill our dreams for them. This is my heartbeat. I see them. I'll bless them. And above all, my God and King, hear my heartbeat for you. You who know me better than I could ever know myself.

You see my poor heart seeking to enlarge its boundaries to better love the world, to love you. Help me to beat my heart into submission whenever it becomes hard or lukewarm, so that it learns to die a little bit with sorrow when people need you, Lord, and there's no one to tell them. Send me, spend me, defend me. Hear, oh hear my heartbeat. I hear it. It's recorded. I will bless you now. And most of all I want my words, the words in this little book, to matter to the ones who have faint hearts.

Yet I know that for words of wisdom to make a difference they have to come out of wise people and there's no shortcut. And I must stay long with you in the cool, deep place where nobody goes on the steps of my soul by the throne room outside the front door with the ever-wise God. And in your presence, on my face and at your feet, I will know the words to use. Touch my mouth. It's done. It's recorded. And I was humbled greatly. And he wrote every heartbeat down, not one was lost.

So I left his side and I climbed the stairs to the world at war with the Lamb. Knowing the best thing I can do for those I love is to work at wisdom, fearing God, laughing at the devil, working my head off to see his kingdom come. I want to live for his honor, his smile, his people, his kingdom work because I love him. This is my heartbeat. Pray with me. Oh Lord, see your people, see your women. Hear their heart cry even now. What a friend we have in Jesus, all our sins and griefs to bear.

What a privilege to carry everything to him in prayer. Oh, the griefs we often forfeit. All those things we don't know how to say and all the things we don't know what to ask for and all the muddled words that we bring. But Lord Jesus Christ, I ask that you may hear the heartbeat of these women now. You may hear their prayer. You may touch their spirit. Lord, we are in holy ground. We know it. Thank you.