Teen Suicide: Knowing the Signs

Guest (Male): The night that I attempted suicide, I went to my parents' house and knocked on the door. My mom opens the door, horrified at seeing her son, trying to figure out what's going on because she thought I was up in my bedroom.

I looked across the house to the back porch where my uncle was grilling up stuff for dinner, and his eyes caught mine. It was this instant of he knew exactly what was going on, and I could see the hurt and I could see that he loved me.

It was that moment that I first realized everybody who's been saying they love me and they want to help me actually do love me and they want to help me, and I can accept that.

John Fuller: It may take time for your kids to see that you really do love them and you want what's best for them. They may resist you, but if your children are in a dark place, you may need to seek help from a professional.

This is the third and final episode of Teen Suicide: Knowing the Signs. I'm John Fuller along with Danny Huerta, who's Vice President of the Parenting and Youth Department here at Focus on the Family.

In this episode, we're going to be exploring how to know if your child needs help from a licensed mental health professional, and we'll offer hope for your situation. First, we're going to hear from Dr. Gregory Jantz, a licensed mental health counselor who specializes in treating anxiety and depression. He here he is talking with Focus President Jim Daly.

Jim Daly: Dr. Jantz, you've written another book, and I want to pull from that, which is The Five Keys to Dealing with Depression. What are those five keys?

Dr. Gregory Jantz: Well, we're going to look at the whole person. One of the keys is there's a spiritual side to depression. So I'm going to look at what is God's truth about me and about my situation?

Jim Daly: What is it? Tell me. That's good for parents to hear.

Dr. Gregory Jantz: Well, one of the things is God has promised that if we seek Him, there is a positive future for our kids. So don't forget that.

Jim Daly: And that's what Jesus, again, He illustrated that with the woman at the well, the woman caught in adultery, King David to go to the Old Testament. I mean, he had reason to be depressed.

Dr. Gregory Jantz: Yes. Another key for depression is physical, the physical side of us. People who are depressed stop taking care of themselves.

So that self-care, that movement, physical movement, the nutrition. They'll tend to start doing things like, "I'm drinking 20 cups of coffee instead of two," or "I'm not taking good care. I'm not drinking water," simple things.

But you'll notice that when you get depressed, your physical self-care really goes down. And that includes sleep. Either I want to sleep all the time or I can't sleep at all or I wake up during the night. So the physical side must be addressed as well.

Jim Daly: What are the other three?

Dr. Gregory Jantz: Okay. Other keys to dealing with depression, and we keep it really simple, is how am I going to get emotional balance?

What's the predominant emotions that are governing me right now? Is it because I've been extremely hurt? Am I angry? Am I feeling guilty? Do I have a lot of fear? So look at what are the predominant emotions that are fueling this.

A lot of times it is I'm angry, I'm upset, and how am I going to get that emotional balance back? Well, if you have too much anger in your life, too much fear, too much guilt, that's not emotional balance. So we've got to look at that.

The final one I want to mention really is what I'll call relational support. And relationship support is who is speaking into my life? If I'm depressed, who really believes in me? Have I withdrawn? Am I isolated? Have I cut people off? Because when I'm depressed, I need others.

Jim Daly: Speak to the parent that knows that their teen has nobody other than them. How do you develop a mentor relationship for your teenager?

Dr. Gregory Jantz: Yes. We need to find somebody in your teen's life that they can speak to, who believes in them, and sees a positive future for your teen.

Sometimes it's hard to find this person, granted. I want you to always be developing other adults that will speak into the lives of your teen. Have others. Be developing this.

I have gone to a couple men and I've even asked. I said, "Would you consider taking on a mentor role with my son? He admires you. You've got some things that I really want him to develop characteristics that you have." So I've gone and asked.

Jim Daly: You know, that difficult line, Dr. Jantz, is how do we know, really, in our gut? How do we know when it's time for that professional help? Many Christians listening should say, "Well, Christians should not be suffering from depression."

But it happens, folks. It is part of life. And to simply have that attitude is, if I could be bold enough, is like looking the other way. That's not helpful. That's not healthy.

So in that gut moment when you know and you're listening and you hear Dr. Jantz mention these symptoms and you're going, "My son, my daughter, you're describing them," when do you act? I mean, how do you know that it's not just a passing thing, but it's the real deal and you've got to get involved and you've got to fight for your child's life?

Dr. Gregory Jantz: Yes, absolutely. And be willing to do that. So it's not a passing fad if it's been going on for a month and these things are still going on. Address them.

So often I hear parents say, "I wish I would have done something sooner. I wish I would have." So you're going to get resistance. Just know it. If it's a season for professional intervention and a counselor, do it. You won't regret it.

John Fuller: Dr. Greg Jantz is our guest on Focus on the Family with Jim Daly. I'm John Fuller. This is not an "I took my child to the professional or to the counselor and dropped them off" kind of situation, is it? Tell us what to expect as a mom or a dad.

Dr. Gregory Jantz: Oh sure. You know, one of the things you may want to do is have some time, some sessions together where, "Hey, I want to learn how I can do a better job as a parent, how I can support you better. Can I be a part of this?"

A lot of times that's really helpful. I realized myself that I was doing some things that were not helpful. I had somebody give me some feedback, and it made a difference for me and it made a difference in my relationship with my son. So remain humble, remain teachable. And here I'm a counselor, but I want to receive some feedback too.

John Fuller: Danny, a great conversation with Dr. Jantz. A lot of parents feel kind of out of the loop if they're not in every one of their kid's counseling sessions. So explain how that's a benefit and how parents can support and encourage their kids while the child is in counseling.

Danny Huerta: It's definitely not uncommon for parents to feel that sense that I'm completely disconnected because I'm not in every single counseling session and knowing what's going on.

Part of it is you have to trust the fact that you've chosen a counselor for your child and they're invested in the wellness and health of your child and are all in wanting to serve your child. What you can ask is how can I be helpful as a parent?

Part of that could be not being involved in the counseling sessions for some time, or maybe having separate counseling sessions with another counselor to address your own issues that you're wrestling with or needing to step into.

As a parent, it's being, like Dr. Jantz had said, being humble and open to the direction of the counselor, but also maybe feedback that you may need to receive. You can ask questions sometimes to your teen. "Hey, is there anything that you'd love to share? How are things going?"

They may say, "Fine." Be okay with that. Just open up the door. "Anytime you want to talk about things that are going on there, I'd love to listen and be in it with you, but just wanted to check in."

John Fuller: There needs to be a level of trust with the counselor. We had a child in counseling on a pretty regular basis for quite some time, and there would be moments when Mom and Dad are asked to step out and we're sitting out in the entryway just kind of waiting.

We never were worried. We were curious, and we rarely found out what really got talked about there. It's really okay. Your goal, as Danny said, is to help your child.

If you're thinking, "I kind of need some counseling here for myself or for my kid," let us know. We have a team of caring Christian counselors who will listen with you and pray and point you to resources in your area. To schedule a consultation, the number is 800-A-FAMILY.

Or stop by focusonthefamily.com/teensuicidepodcast. Let's go ahead and hear more now from Dr. Jantz as he describes how to maintain hope even when your child is struggling. Here he is talking with Jim Daly.

Jim Daly: Dr. Jantz, I'm thinking of a very specific situation that our community had to walk through. I don't want to be too vague, but I'll paint the picture. I'd love for you to react to this.

Sometimes you're looking for trigger points. In this case, a young man who committed suicide at a school here in town. His girlfriend had broken up with him the day before, and that was the triggering event. The next day he took his own life very publicly at the school.

The father did something so amazing within 24 hours. He wrote that young girl a letter and said, "Don't carry this burden forward. My son was dealing with other things that had nothing to do with you at that moment."

What courage for that dad of that fallen son to give that girl a different purpose and meaning than what she was experiencing right there.

Dr. Gregory Jantz: What a beautiful thing to do.

Jim Daly: I'm just thinking of those circumstances where maybe someone listening knows somebody or it's happening within their family. The big question is what does God want in this moment, even in that kind of pain?

Dr. Gregory Jantz: We need to also release another person. If you've had a traumatic event or you know somebody whose kid has taken their life, it's not about the "what ifs." It's not about the blame. There was a lot going on.

We tend to, when there's these tragic events, fall back and go, "If I would have only. It was my fault." We can do a lot of self-blame, and I really want to caution against that because we didn't understand all that was going on for that boy, that young man.

He made some decisions, and we've talked about the symptoms of depression left untreated can put you over into despair. And that despair, we're not thinking with a rational mind. And that's true for adults too.

Jim Daly: And that current of despair, if I can describe it that way, for some teens will be very swift. So you have to be aware as a parent, and that's not guilt or condemnation, that is just part of your job.

Sometimes that current will move slow, maybe over the course of months or years where that young person is suffering silently. So you have to keep your antenna up.

Dr. Gregory Jantz: Because they are easily overwhelmed at times. Remember, their sense of overwhelmedness is very real for them. So we're always going to try to understand their experience.

If you say things like, "It's no big deal," but they're overwhelmed, it is a big deal. It may not be a big deal to you because you've worked through similar things, but we've got to honor their experience, help them feel validated and listened to, and always let them know we will work on this together. I am with you.

Jim Daly: We've touched on this, but I want to be very plain-spoken here toward the end of the program. Your primary care physician can be a source to take your teen or adolescent to your doctor. That's a good starting place as well.

The school system can often provide counseling help. But they may not know if they're not getting direction from you that you have a concern, so work in that context as well. Certainly Focus is here. We've mentioned our counselors here.

In addition to all those things, Greg, in your counseling, you founded The Center, you call it. Describe that work, and let's end on that note of hope where young people have come into your program, they have found new life, they have found new meaning and new purpose. Give us a couple of those descriptions of hope for people.

Dr. Gregory Jantz: There is hope, and I really want don't give up on your kid and keep the prayers alive. Be prayer-driven for your kid's present and their future.

God can get them on the right path. 31 years ago we founded The Center, A Place of Hope. I can tell you, and part of what keeps me going is I see lives changed.

Hope means I need a plan. Sometimes we need to ask for help to create a plan, and with a plan comes hope. So pray. Sometimes it's like praying for discernment. "Lord, what do I need to know here?" versus "Lord, relieve my son of these behaviors." Well, Lord God, show me, give me discernment to know what's going on so that I can really be of help.

Jim Daly: Dr. Jantz, for the parents who may have been in this battle for a year or two years or longer, how do they maintain that sense of hope and light at the end of the tunnel when it's over and over again? It's disappointment. It's struggle. It's sadness. It's bleak. How do you really emotionally, as the parent, stay hopeful when you don't see any sign of hope?

Dr. Gregory Jantz: I'm going to keep building on resources. There are many, many great resources. I'm going to keep my mind renewed. I'm going to become an expert on what's going on.

By that I mean I'm not going to become so obsessed. I'm not going to try to be my son or daughter's counselor, but I am going to become an expert on what's going on for them. Don't lose the hope.

I can tell you, and I hear a mom's voice in my head now who said, "You told me that he would get on the right road, and I want to let you know he did. It took a while, and all of it was worth it. So stay the course."

Jim Daly: It's like be the antidote to what the culture is throwing at your kids today. All the technology, all the measuring up to things that no human being can measure up to. Be their advocate.

Dr. Gregory Jantz: Absolutely. Our kids need us to be an advocate and they need us to show appreciation for who they are, even if they're struggling.

And to have those "I believe in you. I know it's really hard right now. I believe in you." He or she will remember those words. And then you need to do things that show that you really do. They're going to be hungry for parent appreciation. They need to know they have value to you.

John Fuller: That's Dr. Gregory Jantz in a conversation with Jim Daly. I'm in the studio with Danny Huerta, and we're joined by our colleague Dr. Joannie DeBrito. Joannie is a licensed mental health professional and specializes in crisis and trauma counseling, and we're glad to have you here.

Joannie, it can be difficult to acknowledge that my child needs help, professional help. So what have you experienced as you've worked with parents who were hesitant to admit that their child really does have a serious problem?

Dr. Joannie DeBrito: It's actually really common, and that's because often parents don't know what's going on with their kids. It's common for kids who are depressed or struggling with mental health disorders to feel damaged, and they're afraid if they talk with their parents about what's really going on that they'll transfer that damage to them.

So often they will talk with mentors or coaches or teachers or counselors before they talk to their parents. When I encounter a parent that's really resistant, I want to know what the resistance is about. Often the resistance makes a lot of sense.

They'll say, "I just talked to her yesterday and she was fine. She's doing well in school. She's engaging with friends," and so forth when maybe I just had a conversation with that young person and they were very different to me.

So I will listen to what the parent has to say and then say, "You know, I have a slightly different perspective and I wonder if you'd be willing to hear that and willing to hear from your daughter or your son." Often when there's someone else there, that's when kids will open up and start to talk about what's really been going on.

Parents don't like to hear a diagnosis or something. They don't like a teacher to say, "I think your kid is depressed," or "I think your kid has PTSD," or something like that because none of us want our kids to be labeled.

If you can talk in terms of "Here's what I've observed. These are the things that cause me concern." I had that experience with a young lady and she definitely was someone who had presented as if everything was going fine to her mom.

She had just talked to me about being really on death's doorstep, thinking about suicide. She talked about the fact that she had actually made a couple of trial runs at killing herself, that she had tried to take some medication to figure out how much she actually needed to take in order to die.

Obviously, she was in a really, really critical place. As she talked to her mom, I heard her mom soften. I heard her mom start to cry. She started to cry, and then of course her mom said, "Okay, I get it. We really need some help here," and she was open to that. But if you're the parent who's just been hearing about all the great things that are going on in your child's life, of course you're going to be really resistant.

John Fuller: Danny, there's an element of guilt. You mean my child has been struggling with depression or suicidal thoughts as Joannie is saying and I didn't know it? Speak to that parent.

Danny Huerta: A child's emotional world is not our responsibility as parents. They're responding to the world as they see it, and we get to come alongside of them. We can't take ownership for everything that our child is wrestling with.

Instead of getting stuck there, it's good to understand where it's coming from. If you have some ownership, then ask for forgiveness. Give yourself grace as well and step into the repair place of the relationship.

If there hasn't been that kind of situation in your home, then what you want to do is seek what really has created this issue. Many parents, and I can think of one specifically, where the parents came in and felt a tremendous amount of guilt because their child had attempted suicide.

But it was due to a breakup of a dating relationship, and they felt complete ownership of that. I just want to release parents from that. Their kids impulsively responding to what they see as traumatic and permanent things in their life.

When you release that, you can become much more effective as parents and really be present with your child. There's a spiritual battle underneath the surface whenever we're talking the word "suicide" and ending of life.

There's a spiritual element we have to be aware of. The enemy is going to take us right to guilt, right to shame so that we're fully distracted in that. This is an opportunity to go to prayer, to go to repair, to go to grace, to go to life.

As you do that, the Holy Spirit will guide you as you're stepping in with your child. Clearly your child is going to need help, and you are too as you begin to navigate this reality that is scary.

John Fuller: I appreciate what you've just said. It really does lead to what was my last question. That has to do with the exhaustion so many parents feel. Now what you're saying about prayer and being refreshed. I wanted to ask about that specifically. How do we as parents of teens who might be struggling with some heavy stuff, how do we stay in a healthy space? How do we take care of ourselves in the midst of all of this?

Dr. Joannie DeBrito: Having friends that are feeding into you and really pouring into you and loving you is really important. Taking care of yourself, making sure you're eating and sleeping and getting exercise and those kinds of things are really important.

I wanted to respond to what Danny said about impulsivity. That's a huge issue, that teenagers tend to be very impulsive. That guilt often comes from "How did I miss this?"

Well, often what you missed was the fact that you didn't happen to be there at a time when your child made an impulsive decision. We can't be there all the time. We can be there as much as possible, but we're not going to be with our kids all the time.

As Danny mentioned, sometimes it's something that may seem small to us. It may be the breakup of someone that your child was dating for two days, and that seems monumental to them.

They're alone and they're thinking and their mind is going and the enemy is really attacking them and so forth. They just think, "I'm done." That's the other thing in terms of self-care, to let go of that guilt and recognize we can't be there at all times for our kids, and often they do make impulsive decisions that we can't be responsible for.

Danny Huerta: One exercise I give parents on the self-care is drawing a bucket. What is draining the bucket of my energy to be able to deal with my child's emotional world?

What is it that's opening up the spigot? Sometimes it's the shame and guilt. Sometimes it's demands that I've committed to that maybe I need to say no to. Then maybe it's identifying what are the things that are life-giving to me.

What are the things that will fill me up so that I can love my child well? Only you will know as a parent what those things are as far as self-care that you need to have poured in. Maybe even asking people, "Hey, can you be praying for me because we're going through a difficult season?"

Opening up with a trusted friend that can pray for you and diligently be in that prayer time with you and give you some words of encouragement along the way. Those are the things that you can write into that bucket as your fillings and making sure that you're taking time to do that so you have time for all the demands that are natural in your life.

I want to have a prayer blessing for the people that are listening. May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing so that by the power of the Holy Spirit, you may abound in hope. May parents bring an abundance of hope in their homes.

Dr. Joannie DeBrito: Danny, I'm so glad that you talked about hope. For parents out there or adults who are interacting with kids who are depressed or considering suicide, they need to know that there is so much hope there for recovery.

The number of kids who try to hurt themselves far outweighs those who actually die by suicide. Most go on to recover and live healthy, productive lives. It's so important to cling to that and know that if your daughter or son comes to you or a child in your youth group or a neighbor comes to you talking about depression or suicide, that's not the end. It's the beginning of recovery and there is great hope.

John Fuller: Thanks to both of you for joining us and sharing your wisdom on this topic. A couple of things come to mind as we wrap up. First, we have caring Christian counselors. We've mentioned that a number of times, but we want you to know you can call and we're here for you.

Generous donors have made this possible, and we want to make sure that you understand a free consultation is available. We'll schedule that when you call 800-A-FAMILY.

We'll have the link in the episode notes as well. Then we do recommend the book by Dr. Jantz called The Stranger in Your House, which we're making available for a donation of any amount today.

You can donate to Focus on the Family when you call that same number 800-A-FAMILY or visit focusonthefamily.com/teensuicidepodcast. Learn more about preventing teen suicide by checking out our Alive to Thrive online training curriculum.

It's free. It has a very unique preventative approach, and it teaches you how to address risk factors long before your child ever has thoughts of ending his or her life. Finally, Teen Suicide: Knowing the Signs is the first in a series of podcasts addressing mental health in youth.

Look for future podcasts on topics like anxiety and self-harm and social media use. On behalf of Danny and Joannie and the entire team here, thanks for joining us for this episode of Teen Suicide: Knowing the Signs.