Revive Our Hearts

Angie Shoemaker: When you're weighed down by guilt and regret, you only have one source of true freedom. I just cried out and I said, "Jesus, please save me."

Fausto Gonzalez: I remember lying in my bed, lifting my hands and saying, "Oh, Jesus, please save me because if you don't, I'm going to die."

Angie Shoemaker: And I had peace. I had hope. I felt new.

Dannah Gresh: This is Revive Our Hearts Weekend. I'm Dannah Gresh. Today we're going to hear from some very special women—redeemed women—talking about the hope you can experience through Jesus after abortion.

On January 22nd, 1973, the Supreme Court handed down a decision in the Roe v. Wade case, effectively making abortion legal in the United States. That decision, of course, was overturned in 2022, but the battle to protect the unborn continues to rage.

In light of this historic moment, we've compiled some of the most powerful testimonies we've ever heard about healing after abortion. Nancy, I want to thank you for joining me today. You know, it's hard to figure out how many children have been aborted in this country in the last half century, but experts tell us it's at least 60 million.

Nancy DeMoss Wolgemuth: And those aren't just figures. Each one represents a personal and often complicated story. On Revive Our Hearts over the years, we've brought you many stories of women who know the pain of abortion, and we've heard from some dads too.

These stories not only tell you about the pain, but also about the forgiveness and the redemption that Jesus offers. Today we're going to hear a montage of several of those stories put together. I think that hearing these guests' experiences back-to-back will help you feel the heavy weight of guilt that comes from abortion, and you'll also hear them share about the hope that they have found in Christ.

Dannah Gresh: If you've experienced the pain of abortion personally, I hope you'll listen past the hard part to the hope that all of our guests talk about. It's a hope because of the Gospel, because of Jesus. We'll hear from Martha Shalley, Angie Shoemaker, Nancy Lincoln, Lisa Dudley, Jennifer Smith, and Laura and Fausto Gonzalez. Let's listen.

Angie Shoemaker: When I took the pregnancy test, I remember I just couldn't believe it.

Lisa Dudley: As I heard the news, I could not believe that I was pregnant. I was shocked.

Martha Shalley: I didn't believe it because I thought I was invincible because I had birth control.

Jennifer Smith: I almost knew before I took the test. I don't know if it's mother's intuition there or what, but there's something that happens when you get pregnant that you just know. It's life residing in you, and you can't escape that.

Martha Shalley: And all of a sudden I started listening to these lies from the enemy. "No one can find out."

Angie Shoemaker: And I told my boyfriend and the first words out of his mouth were, "You're not having it, are you?" It. And I looked at him and I said, "Well, I guess not."

Lisa Dudley: I told him, and the day of truth and the moment of truth came when he said, "Well, that's not good." And I said, "Well, what do you mean?" And he said, "Well, I don't want it." And he said, "You're going to have to make a choice, and it's either going to be me or that." He couldn't even say baby. So I was devastated.

Martha Shalley: Sin causes you to want to cover and to hide, and there's so much shame. "What will people think of me?" My focus was on myself and myself alone. I didn't think about that precious life that God had blessed me with.

I kept thinking if Rich's parents find out I'm pregnant, they will reject me. They will not want anything to do with me. They will want Rich to break it off with me. His parents are very godly parents and I love them so much, and Rich has a lot of respect for his parents. I just knew if they found out I was pregnant, they would advise their son, "You need to break this off with her." I was so afraid that I was going to lose him.

Angie Shoemaker: At that moment, I just felt tears stream down my face. I didn't want to have a baby. I didn't want to hear anything anybody had to say.

Lisa Dudley: We walked out and went to her car. The whole way from that room all the way to her car and in her car, she was filled with a lot of anger and jealousy because she wanted the child that I was pregnant with essentially.

She said things like, "You shouldn't do this. You're not ready for a baby. Do you know what pregnancy does to your body? You can't even take care of yourself. You can't possibly take care of a baby. There's no one helping you."

And I agreed with everything she said because a lot of times when Satan speaks to us, he's not telling lies. It's the truth. I was alone. I was hopeless. I had no job, no income, no survival method. What she was saying was true. I felt hopeless and I gave up and I said, "Fine, what's your suggestion?" My best friend. And she said, "I have a place."

Angie Shoemaker: So off to a Planned Parenthood clinic I went to get some information. The woman there told me that what was going on was nothing more than a blob of tissue. A quick and easy solution would be to just have an abortion.

Then I was called in with five other women into a room for what they call counseling. A woman there talked to us about reproductive health, about birth control, about STDs. The only thing she told us about abortion was that it's just a blob of tissue. It's a quick, simple, easy procedure. Twenty minutes and you never have to think about it again. She went through and polled each one of us and asked, "Is this what you really want to do?" And we're all kind of nodding.

They did do a sonogram, but she didn't want to let me see the screen. I told her I did want to see. I said, "Please, I've already had one child. I've had a sonogram before. May I see it?" She kind of sighed and said, "Okay."

She rubbed my stomach again with the probe, she clicked some buttons, and she turned the screen to me and pointed to a white dot on the screen. She said, "That's all it is. It's just a dot." And I thought, "Okay, I can do this" because I didn't see a baby. What I know now is she wasn't showing me my baby. I don't know what she had on the screen, but she wasn't showing me a baby.

Martha Shalley: The world lied to me, and the world will lie to you. They don't care about you. The world does not care about me, and the world did not care about me or my baby.

Angie Shoemaker: She said, "It's not a baby." And she's the medical person at the Planned Parenthood clinic and I had no reason not to believe her.

Martha Shalley: I didn't have anyone in my life to encourage me to do what was right. Nobody came and said, "It's a baby, and you'll regret that, and that will hurt you." They never told me all of the consequences that might come from the fact that I'm going to have a blind surgical procedure with instruments put inside of me and a machine turned on.

They didn't tell me anything. They didn't tell me about fetal development. They just said that it would be a quick and easy solution and you can get back to the party. "You're so young."

Jennifer Smith: I remember crying in my car thinking if somebody would just take me out of this set of circumstances, sit with me in a house and just kind of care for me, that would be the only way I could do this. If one person would just grab me, take me away, and live this out with me step by step, then I could do it. But I would have to have a really long-term commitment from that person. So that thought did enter my mind, but I didn't find that person. I think my mom most certainly would have done it had I even given her the chance, but I never did.

Martha Shalley: Even up until the time that I walked through the doors of that clinic, deep within my heart and my soul, I was wanting Rich to stand up and say, "Martha, no, we are not going to do this. I don't care what anyone thinks. I love you. I care for our baby. That baby is a part of me too, and we're going to do what is right." But that never happened.

Jennifer Smith: It was about the day before the abortion and I walked into the bathroom, put my hands on my abdomen, and I just said, "I'm sorry." Those were the only words that I ever spoke to that child.

Laura Gonzalez: She pulled up in front of this kind of antique house and we were sitting there and she said, "This is an abortion clinic." She had been here because she had an abortion. It was like everything in me wanted to give this child up, to kill the baby inside of me. It wasn't even a baby; my friend reassured me that it wasn't even formed yet. Everything in me felt like that was the good choice.

Logically it made sense. I'd keep my boyfriend, I couldn't afford it anyways, it'd be bad for the child, what would it grow up to be like? But this teeny tiny smallest part of my soul wouldn't let me open that door. I even had my hand on the handle, and I couldn't get out of the car. This whole time my friend is crowding me with all of these negative things and just saying it in my ear so I would believe all of these things.

Fausto Gonzalez: How long were you in that car?

Laura Gonzalez: Two hours. Sitting in the parking lot right in front of that door, just waiting.

Nancy Lincoln: I remember the day of the abortion. It was 1991. And that was the most horrible day of my life. It was horrible. I remember arriving to this place in Orlando. There were Christians with signs outside on the sidewalk. They were saying, "Are you sure you want to do this?" But I just passed them by and I ignored them. We just walked past through them. I was sitting in this waiting room with a whole bunch of teenagers. I was 31.

Martha Shalley: Dear doctor, even as I was entering your clinic, I was trying to make myself believe that I was doing the right thing. There was no one to tell me otherwise. No one at your clinic took the time or even cared enough to inform me as to what I was about to do. They gladly took the $200, and then I was off to the room.

Angie Shoemaker: She put me up on this metal table and they're all preparing in the room. There are several people in there and she puts a mask over my face to administer medication that was supposed to relax me. It wasn't relaxing me; I was terrified. Then the door flew open and in blew the abortionist and I gasped because I realized I knew him. He was a client in the law firm where I was working at the time. I had just seen him in my office the week before.

Martha Shalley: Absolutely. He knew me very well, but he didn't look at me. He didn't review a medical chart. He didn't examine me. He sat down and began the procedure. You made me feel so uneasy as I lay on the table. I don't remember which started first, your humming and singing or the sound of the killing machine. Both were sounds I wanted to stop, but it was too late.

Nancy Lincoln: I can remember the sound of the vacuum. The procedure I had was a vacuum aspirator, and it's loud. I can remember that like now.

Angie Shoemaker: It just seemed like it was taking forever. I felt like my body was being violently shaken off of the table. It just was the most grueling thing I'd ever experienced. I'm knowing I'm empowered to have the abortion. She's just empowered me. I know it's the right thing, and all that stuff's going on. But in my soul, as they're performing the abortion on me, I know that I'm killing a child.

Nancy Lincoln: As you were joyfully humming, my precious child was being violently ripped apart and sucked out of my womb where she was supposed to be safe.

Angie Shoemaker: I remember laying on that table and that's when I had that moment and I cried out to God and I said, "Please forgive me for what I'm doing. I'm so sorry. I can't believe that I'm here. I've come to this." I believe that God has written that on our hearts as women that we are called to protect and preserve and nurture and love and not to destroy and to kill our children. And yet that machine went on, and that's exactly what I did. That's exactly what I did.

When the procedure finally ended, I heard the clanking of the metal instruments and the snap of his gloves as he took them off. He slapped me on the side of the leg and said, "Good luck to you," and he walked out. He never even looked at me. He had no idea who he had performed an abortion on that day.

The lady who was holding the mask on my face was rubbing my forehead, and she said, "Go ahead and cry. It's good to cry." I remember thinking, "Why is it good to cry? Why is this okay if this is just a simple medical procedure?" Then it was over and we left the clinic and we went to the bar and got drunk.

Laura Gonzalez: Right the moment that I felt like I couldn't open the door, there was that urgent feeling. Then a thought popped into my mind and I remembered a memory from like a year or two before. I was at a football game, and I remember my favorite teacher—you know how you kind of cling to one of the teachers in your high school?

I was standing next to her, and she was talking to a girl younger than myself at the time about a pregnancy care center. She said, "There's this pregnancy care center," something. I don't even remember what she said. I just remember her encouraging that girl to go there for help because she was pregnant. That's all I needed. The Lord used that one moment.

I looked at my friend and I was like, "Wait a minute. Wait. I don't want to do this. I just want to wait. I need to think about it, and I can't do this right now. So we'll just kind of keep this under our hats." Despair. She started the engine and turned around and drove. You know the street that the pregnancy care center is on is like the main street. I drove by this building a million times at least.

I never saw the cute little white sign with the colors. As we drove by, I glanced over and saw it and I was like, "Stop!" and she's like, "What?" and I was like, "Pull over into the parking lot!" She looked up and she saw it and she was like, "This is so stupid. Why are you even doing this?" just negative and negative. So we pulled into the parking lot. I was excited.

I didn't think about it then, but now that I look back, something changed. I made this choice even though I didn't know it. My heart made this choice, like, "I'm willing to do it if there's hope." That's all God needs is a willing heart.

Dannah Gresh: That's Angie Shoemaker, a young woman who chose life over abortion thanks to a volunteer who was serving at a pregnancy care center here in Niles, Michigan, just down the road from the headquarters of Revive Our Hearts. I'm so thankful for the work done by that amazing PCC and all its volunteers over the course of many years.

Have you ever considered getting involved in your local pregnancy care center? Perhaps God could use you to change the life of a mom and a child forever.

Nancy DeMoss Wolgemuth: And Dannah, as we mentioned earlier on Revive Our Hearts Weekend, the Roe v. Wade ruling was overturned, but in some ways, the debate over abortion has heated up even more because it has to be dealt with on the state level now. But those debates often overlook the pain and the shame that happens on an individual level. That's what we're looking at today.

We're hearing several stories from women and one from a dad about the heavy weight of guilt that comes after an abortion. But that's not the end of the story for any of these guests. Let's keep listening as they tell you about the hope that they have found in Jesus.

Fausto Gonzalez: When I came to Christ, immediately the first sin that came to mind was my abortion.

Martha Shalley: My sin is what crucified Jesus. He died in my place. I told my soul, "You killed your child." That was hard. That was hard.

Fausto Gonzalez: That's when I realized I had committed a sin because I thought I was a nice person.

Martha Shalley: He suffered as no man will ever have to suffer. You know what I have been through does not compare to what the Lord Jesus went through for me. I was a baby killer. I killed a baby. But immediately I felt the grace of God.

Jennifer Smith: At the end of the service, he said, "You know, Jesus died for even murderers." I knew he was talking to me and he said, "There are probably holes in your heart that no one knows about. Just ask Jesus to come in and let his blood flow through those holes and heal them and make them whole again."

For whatever reason, at that moment, it was real. It was real to me, and I just asked him to please forgive me for anything I'd ever done, and I begged him for mercy. I said, "I love you and I'm so sorry. Just so sorry."

Martha Shalley: I can remember one night in my bedroom I got down on my knees and I told the Lord, "Lord, I want you to be Lord and Savior of my life." That is when I began seeking the Lord.

Angie Shoemaker: Finally, one night after the fear gripping my soul, I was just so hopeless that I began to weep uncontrollably. I mean one of those sobbing, bending over—the sounds are not even coming out because I'm just so devastated by what's happened in my life and I just cried out and I said, "Jesus, please save me."

I remember laying in my bed, lifting my hands and saying, "Oh, Jesus, please save me because if you don't, I'm going to die." And I had peace. I had hope. I felt new.

Fausto Gonzalez: And my eyes were opened. I understood life in a minute. I understood that I was a sinner, that Christ had come to bear my sins and had washed me with his sacrifice. I understood the Gospel in an instant. It was amazing.

Jennifer Smith: I cried for probably two or three hours straight after that, but it was a joyful cry because it was like this freedom that I didn't know. Even colors and things outside looked brighter, and it was true living. So now it was to begin new life, and that's exactly what it was. It was new life in Christ, and he made all things new.

I still, it was mixed with a little bit of fear, but as I poured into the Word of God and just drew close to him, I began discovering how much love and mercy he has. Some of that fear vanished.

Martha Shalley: And God began slowly changing me from the inside out. It's a continual process, and I am so thankful that he will continue working in and through my life until the day he takes me home.

Angie Shoemaker: Second Corinthians 5:17 says if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature. The old has gone, the new has come. I believe that I was born again through the night. Don't even remember falling asleep, don't remember anything after that. But then waking up the next morning, the first thought that I had was of Jesus. Almost immediately, the healing began, and the chains of shame and guilt and fear and regret and all of those things that kept me a prisoner of abortion were broken.

Martha Shalley: And ladies, no matter how deep that wound is, no matter how much hurt and pain that you're carrying from the past, God's grace is sufficient, and God can begin that healing process in your life today. The only way to deal with your guilt is to run to Christ.

Christ is your Savior. Christ is your Redeemer. Christ is the person that can forgive you, that can forgive your sins. He died for you on the cross, and his blood is all-sufficient, and you can be forgiven for eternity for that sin.

I had to come to the place where I could forgive that doctor for the part that he played. God was there in that room with me and he was grieving, not only over what my sin was doing to him, but he was grieving also over what my sin was doing to his precious child. My abortion did not change his love for me. He loved me just as much as the day that he created me. God died for me knowing that I would have an abortion. He died for me anyway.

Fausto Gonzalez: Your sins will be nailed to the cross. If there's a scripture that is engraved in my heart, it's to know that my abortion was nailed to the cross. My sin, not in part but the whole, is nailed to the cross and I bear it no more. My sin is covered under the blood. Your sin is covered under the blood.

And I have been forgiven that horrible crime. I will have to deal with the consequences of my sin—there's a member of my family that is missing—but I have been forgiven. I have been forgiven because of Christ.

Dannah Gresh: We've heard from Martha Shalley, Angie Shoemaker, Nancy Lincoln, Lisa Dudley, Jennifer Smith, and Laura and Fausto Gonzalez. Last weekend we heard more of Laura and Fausto's story, but they shared it in greater depth on the Revive Our Hearts podcast several years ago. So have our other guests on today's program. You can hear all those programs in the archives. Just go to reviveourhearts.com/weekend and you'll find links to their stories when you click on today's program. It's titled "From Death to Life: Hope after Abortion."

Nancy DeMoss Wolgemuth: Now, if you've been moved by today's stories, would you ask the Lord how he might want you to be involved in the stories of other women and their unborn children? There are a lot of ways you can get involved at your local pregnancy care center, and I hope you'll ask the Lord how he'd want you to be a part. You can commit to praying, you can give to help underwrite their expenses, and the Lord may even prompt you to volunteer personally.

Dannah Gresh: Next weekend we're setting aside some time to talk to our single sisters, and we're going to look beyond those clichés and platitudes that often feel more careless than comfort. We don't need them because God offers a better word. Thanks for listening today. I'm Dannah Gresh. We'll see you next time for Revive Our Hearts Weekend.