ReFOCUS with Jim Daly

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Wendy Griffith: And so I think that was a huge reward for me personally to feel like I'm making kingdom impact, not only in the life of the children in my home, but in our community.

Jim Daly: That's Wendy Griffith. Wendy and her husband, Bob, will share about their foster care journey. Welcome to ReFOCUS with Jim Daly, a podcast production from Focus on the Family. Estimates show that there are about 370,000 children in the foster care system in the US without parents to care for them.

And statistics show that those kids end up in bad places when they don't have someone to show up for them. I wanted to bring you this conversation today with Bob and Wendy Griffith to illustrate the power of making a difference by showing the love of Christ to the most vulnerable people in your local community. Bob founded an organization called Backyard Orphans, which supports foster families. They have six children together, and they've written a book called Fostering Jesus: Answering the Call to Foster Care in the Home and Church.

This subject is close to my heart. I spent some time in foster care when I was a child, and my wife and I fostered children as well. And this is one area where we can really live out the Gospel and make an impact in the culture. Let's join that conversation with Bob and Wendy on ReFOCUS with Jim Daly. Bob and Wendy, welcome to Focus on the Family. Good to have you.

Wendy Griffith: First time! Thank you for having us.

Jim Daly: Are you nervous? I'm really nervous. I'm kidding. You guys are both busy in ministry. You had two children, and then this idea about foster parenting pops up. How did that happen for you? Why did it catch your attention?

Wendy Griffith: Well, first we had had trouble having children to begin with. And so it took us a couple years to have our first daughter, and then after a couple miscarriages, we were able to adopt our son privately through a private adoption. And then we had one more biological daughter, and we thought our family was complete.

And we ended up on staff at a church in southeastern Wisconsin. And while we were there, we felt that there was a moment where we felt like God was saying it's time to go outside the walls of the church. And so I remember saying to the Lord, what is it that in this season that you want us to do? And He said to me, well, what is the season that you're in right now that you can never get back? And that's being a mom with kids at home. And so He said, you can do one more. And so we began that conversation. And as Bob is a community outreach pastor connected with the community and said, what do you need? There was a match.

Bob Griffith: And it wasn't as easy as that story sounded for me. So as the husband, my wife was ahead of me in terms of compassion for these children.

Jim Daly: Did you ever say, are you sure, Wendy, you heard God say that to you?

Bob Griffith: I never said that, although she did ask me that question. She said, if you get to the point where God has spoken to you and you feel like God has led you into this, would you agree? And I said, well, yes, of course. If I feel it is the Lord. And that ultimately is what happened.

But I do believe that part of my story is just one of resistance at first. Just using logic—how are we going to do this? We already had children. How is this going to fit in financially? How do we do this? Do we have enough rooms in our home? You just process all that. So I was a little resistant at first, but we did have some families in our church that were faithfully living this out. And so we were watching them be successful.

And that led to your question, which is the next step. And as part of my role in my church, I at that time I was a staff pastor and I was charged with moving the church forward in community service and outreach. So I just went and asked questions to the people that have a global perspective for our county. And we had a round table. We had all the different heads of the different departments over the community.

And I just asked them the simple question, which was if you had a magic wand and you could just wave it and you could have our church do something, one thing that would make the biggest difference for our county, what would it be? And they all turned and looked at the head of foster care in our county. And I remember he looked at me and said, well, I guess that's me. And so from there, we came home, we talked about it. We said, if this is truly one of the largest or the largest need in our community identified by them, then what can we do? And we felt like it was a two-step answer. Number one was what can we do as a couple, and then what can we do as a church? So that's where it all began.

Jim Daly: And then from there, you've got two parallel stories going. One is your own household and then how do we help the church engage in this issue? So as those things are developing, which one did you decide to tackle first or did you do both at the same time and say, okay, let's get into foster? Tell me how that unfolded.

Wendy Griffith: Well, I think what was really powerful too that Bob said is it's one thing for us to tell people that they should do it, that foster care matters in the local church, and to stand up there in the pulpit and say that. But it's another thing for us to lead by example. And so I don't think we realized how our example would impact our whole church and our community.

And so that was something that was really powerful that we saw as because that's what got us involved in foster care was watching other people do it. It normalized it. Everybody thinks they know what foster care is until you actually walk it out with someone. So as we got involved and we were dear friends with people who were already fostering, we realized that people watching us do it would be something that would multiply within the church.

Jim Daly: So you got started in that direction first. So what were some of the things that happened within your own family? Describe how you got involved.

Bob Griffith: Well, first of all, I didn't know and couldn't tell you where a foster child was in our community before we did this. If you asked me to take me right now and show me, I couldn't do it. And what I didn't realize is that we had many foster children actually coming to our church every Sunday, and I didn't even realize that.

So once I realized that we truly had children that needed care in our community, that's where we began caring for them as a family. And then in our church, we started to roll out just different things that we could do. And the momentum was there over time. Not at the beginning. At the beginning, the very first thing we ever did was just do a little window in the church, a ten-minute window just announcing that we had an information table in the back. And we had a handful of people come. But we stayed consistent over the years, and over about five years, that grew and grew and grew to the point where the county told me that we had 30 percent of all of the foster families in our entire county were attending our church.

Jim Daly: Wow, and that just wasn't obvious to you. Yeah, that's amazing. Let's concentrate on your experience. So you get licensed, that's a process.

Wendy Griffith: They come to your house and we filled out the packet and they do the background checks. And I think one of the funny stories that we experienced was when we were going through the interview together. I was much more like, hey, if God calls us, He's going to equip us. And so there's a box that you have to check, are you open to potentially adopting a child you might foster? And I remember that I was like, oh yeah, check that box because if God says it, we're going to do it. And Bob was like, wait a second. And I said to him, look, if God tells you that this is what you're supposed to do, would you do it? And he said, well, yes. I go, okay, check the box. And so that's what we did.

Bob Griffith: So it truly was steps. I mean, the first step was just filling out an application. That took a while. But then the next step was saying, okay, we're going to be in this for the goals of foster care in our city. And then the next thing was the box about if it got to that point, would you adopt?

Wendy Griffith: Which we were not in foster care to adopt at that point. Our family was complete. We just wanted to do our part. We didn't know God had other ideas for our family.

Jim Daly: Yeah, and that's fine. People can start where they can start, right, that have a heart for this. But it's so good to take that initial step. I saw some statistic, maybe it was in the book, 38 percent of churchgoing people have an interest in doing this, but only 1 percent do take that next step. I mean, that's the issue that we need to close that gap. And hopefully we can do that in part with the broadcast today.

Let's be realistic though. Let's talk about that. Wendy, I so appreciate your perspective. Jean was the same way. When we got on the broadcast here and I started talking about people engaging through our program, Wait No More, I went home and she had heard the program. She said, you know, we really need to do it if you're going to ask others to do it. And I said, no, I don't have to, I was already a foster kid, I paid my dues. And she looked at me that great wife look like, that doesn't even pass the smell test. So we got licensed and we did it as well. We probably fostered for 12 years or so, and we're still connected to two of the siblings that came into our home for like three years. So now we're like grandparents to them. They live in a different state, but we're still connected.

Bob Griffith: See, that's amazing.

Jim Daly: But in that context, that is typical of the conversation. The wife tends to be leaning into it. I think it's a God-given, nurturing, open-hearted kind of thing. And we're the practical, well wait a minute, how many bedrooms do we have and what's the food budget going to be? And that's everybody. I think that's pretty much Jean and I's story too. But from that perspective, so describe, you get licensed, that's a chore, you gotta just get through that. But then you get the phone call that we did. How did that go for you guys?

Wendy Griffith: So we got a phone call and the first phone call, they always give you the option whether or not it's a good time, a good fit. And so the first phone call, we weren't able to do anything with. The second phone call, though, was a seven-week-old baby girl. And what's so interesting is when you have a baby, there's baby showers, people make you meals, there's all this preparation that goes into someone having a baby. But when you are a foster parent, you can have a child on your front step within 20 minutes with maybe some clothes, maybe no clothes.

And so it really is something that we realized pretty quick there needs to be better support for foster parents because it literally is, we'll see you in 20 minutes. And so we had this new little seven-week-old baby and she didn't come with any clothes or anything. And so you're scrambling to find little girl outfits and you're calling your friends and a crib—all of those things. But it was so beautiful about being a part of a local church is that that's something that people can rally around. There really is something in foster care that everyone can be a part of. Not everybody can foster and bring a child into their home, but certainly people can bring meals. People can be praying for. People can do respite for foster families. There's so many ways to support.

Jim Daly: Let me drill into the respite thing because that was a word I wasn't familiar with when we got started. It sounds like some kind of medical thing. But respite is just giving help to that family. So you can do the laundry for them, you can do their grocery shopping, just something to wrap around that foster family to give them some relief from the long list of things they've got to do. I think we've looked at that. It's something like if five families come alongside a foster family or a foster adoption family, their likelihood of success in doing that is much higher if they get that kind of help. And even Jean and I when we were doing fostering, it was difficult finding qualified respite care, people that maybe have been licensed so if we were going on an escape, a getaway out of the state, we would have to find a place to leave the kids, etc. But that's a big, I just want to punch that because that is a big thing to help. You don't have to do it every day, but to be there for a family that has done it. And what better place than a church to do that? You've got hopefully dozens if not hundreds of families that could say we can help.

Wendy Griffith: Right, and that's what it takes. It takes a village really when you're a foster parent. And the goal is always reunification with foster care. That's not always possible. Sometimes cases go on for a long time. And so the minimum interruption for a child so that they don't have to bounce from foster home to foster home is really important too, so respite helps with that.

Bob Griffith: And when we got the call and had our first foster child in our home, one of the things that Wendy and I talked about was how much we were growing closer to the Lord through this process. And it surprised us. I don't think we saw that as an outcome. And now we look at it and we have said that we grew closer to the Lord through this time than any other time in our walk with God, and we had grown up in church.

So you do all these different events in church which are great. You go on a Saturday and you do an event and you help the community. Of course, they're all amazing. But there is something about bringing the community into your home 24/7. That is a totally different step. And so when you do that, you start to see the impact, the iron sharpening iron, the walking out your faith just in everyday things that you're doing, praying for your meal. And the child is taking it in.

And so we were just able to see that. And as I talk to other foster families that started to do this alongside us, I asked them that. I said, Wendy and I feel like the discipleship in our own lives has just gone through the roof in doing this. Do you feel that way as well? There's not one person that I talked to that said no. Every single person said we feel that way too. So I think that's another aspect that doesn't get talked about very much, but if we truly want to be discipled and to be greater disciples in Christ, this is a way that we will grow because you're literally doing something that is at the heart of the Gospel.

Wendy Griffith: I think that one of the things that we focused on is we leaned into our faith and we also developed one of the greatest things—we both have grown up in church. And so we've been in church our whole life, but the thing that was missing was compassion and empathy for people in our own communities.

One of the things that I realized pretty quick was that people would go on missions trips in the church all over the world and they'd say, "Oh, I love the heart of Africa, and children are dying of AIDS in Africa. There's terrible things with hunger, different things that they struggle with." Haiti, Bob's been to Haiti a couple times and just the things that happen to children there are really difficult to watch. But the heart is there, and you can't wait to go back and minister to them.

But it seemed like in our own communities, people had a hard time having empathy and compassion for someone who was struggling with addiction, someone who's struggling with trauma from their own childhood upbringing or whatnot. So it gave us an opportunity to bring in awareness. I think we focused on that too, what these families were going through and to humanize it because we'd have people say to us, even at church, "What did this one's parents do? Oh, why can't they get their act together?"

And it opened a door for us to talk about compassion for one another for the struggle of addiction, what that really looks like—that you can have an addiction that's greater than your love for your child. That's hard to imagine, but that's very real for a lot of people. And so I think that the relationships we developed with the biological parents were really important because that helped us to be able to be cheering for them and to be encouraging them that they can do it. Plus, we're in it for the eternal game. We believe in life after we pass. We're going to all be with Jesus. That's the goal. So there's an evangelistic piece to this that we were able to focus on, inviting them to church to come and be a part of our church, visiting them in jail—things that I had never experienced before. I was able to experience, and I believe it gave us a real perspective to the heart of God. And so we tried to focus on that. Sure, it's difficult. Sure, there can be times that are frustrating or you're fatigued, but I think that when you have a good support around you and you have people praying for you, it's really amazing how it opens your heart.

Bob Griffith: And when you asked about talking to the community, in those conversations, I talked to one of the judges. He was the head judge over the family court. And he said the number one thing you could do is to help tell the people in your church about the goal of foster care. Make that clear that the goal is reunification, that we're stepping in while a family is trying to get things stable again. But the goal, what we're supposed to champion and celebrate, is when they go back to their biological parents.

And so that's something that we've continued to do. But the tension, I felt it because people would come to me and the number one thing that I would hear people say is, "Oh, Pastor Bob, God bless you because it's great what you're doing, I could never do that." And I would say, "Well, why? Why can't you do that?" And they would say, "Because I can't bear the idea of having them leave and go back to their biological family." So this is where the goal is very important to keep in mind when you get into this to help.

And the second thing is I push back on that. And even I tell my congregation today, no, I believe that you can do that. And I believe that's what Christ asks us to do. I believe that's what love is and that your heart truly is big enough to take a piece of it and give it to a child even for a period of time and that that will impact their life forever.

Jim Daly: You talk about the power of one yes. So I think this is related to Gary and Patty, friends of yours. What was the meaning of that one yes?

Wendy Griffith: Well, they are the ones that we observed. So they had lost, they had two children, they had struggled having kids, they were older parents, and when their youngest daughter was two, their four-year-old died of leukemia. And it was devastating to them. And it was really their darkest valley as a family. And so as they kind of processed through the grief of that, one of the things that they grieved was that their daughter Grace didn't have a sibling and they wanted that sibling experience for her.

So they got involved in foster care. And them getting involved in foster care not only brought three children permanently into their home that they were able to now be a part of their family, and they provided probably seventeen or more with respite and other foster care services, but they were able to encourage people like us and come alongside us and say, you know what, we are done fostering but we're going to come alongside you and we're going to champion your foster care experience. And so many people got involved in foster care because of that yes. I mean, and that is the thing that I think was lost on us was that people when they watch you do it, it becomes attainable for them. They go, "Oh, I can do that. Oh, look at that sweet little boy. You know what, let's talk about that. How could we do that for another child in our home?"

And you kind of develop a sense of community amongst foster families. And so there's a multiplication effect. And you have a multiplication effect in people fostering, but what's really powerful, I think, is when you have when you foster a child, you get to impact many different things. You get to impact statistics regarding addiction, teen pregnancy, high school graduation, so many statistics in your community when you foster a child or adopt a child into a home and give them permanency, you get to affect many different areas.

Jim Daly: It is a missions field. I mean, really is if you look at it that way. And then you think of those statistics that really weigh against the success of that foster child. I mean, it's horrible the kids that age out of the system and they just have gone from foster home to foster home. They didn't get adopted, let's say, and those kids particularly are vulnerable to prison, human trafficking. I mean, the percentages are mind-blowing how many of them end up in very dark places because they age out at 18 and where do they go? There's no program in most states—there are some that are doing more—but by 22, 23, 24, they're on their own.

Bob Griffith: Well, when you mention human trafficking, I believe that foster care ministry is prevention for that very thing. And so many people want to help with human trafficking, but they don't always put this together. And this is prevention when you help in this area. You're preventing it by reunification or a permanent home for that child. So that's a great point to make.

Jim Daly: It really is. And again, I don't know how to declare this any greater than we've been trying to over the years, but it's right there in front of us. James, the book of James clearly says you want to see pure religion? Take care of the widow and the orphan. And there are plenty of folks that fit that description in the foster system and they're right there.

But let me ask you this because what's so difficult what you've talked about, the 24/7 bringing the community into your house, it's hard because it changes your life. It changes the way the rhythm of your family. And most of these kids that come into your home, there's not a box on that checkbox list that says normal. I mean, typically for foster care, it's are you able to manage some a child that does head-banging, that's a food hoarder, that has sexual orientation issues—all the dysfunctions that come with high-stress childhood environments where they're trying to cope. This is where they it seeps out. And man, who better than the Christians to take these kids in to show them identity and love of God? I mean, really, who else in the culture is as equipped?

Wendy Griffith: No, I think that's so good. And again, with foster care, when you fill out that application, we had choices. So we knew there were some things we couldn't do. We didn't, we couldn't handle a wheelchair in our house; our house wasn't handicap accessible. There are different parameters that you can say, these are parameters that we're not comfortable with or we don't have the ability to care for. For us, we wanted them to be younger than our youngest child, so birth order. There's different factors that they do take into consideration. So it's not you have to take everybody; you definitely have the ability to say no. But I think what we realized was that our expanded yes expanded our family and our hearts.

And so I think that that is something that, and people, it's interesting because you think that you can't do something and yet God makes a way. And He does it in a way through other people, He does it in a way through your own prayer time and devotion time with Him. And so but you definitely have choices. So I don't want people to feel like you don't have an ability to say no.

Bob Griffith: And out of that 370,000 foster kids, they're not all like that. You know, they're not all head-bangers and they're not all, I think that's important to say is that there are many, many, many kids that you can't tell. You would never know that they're a foster child. They just blend right in and they just, they are normal.

Jim Daly: Well, and even with some of those things, they need to see what that means. Their environment has not provided that. We had one sibling set, and the little boy was two years old and he had food insecurity issues. Every morning he'd wake up, "Mr. Jim, can I have a bowl of cereal?" "Yes." "Toast, can I have some toast?" "Yes." "Pancakes, eggs." I mean, anything he wanted I just put out there. And the end of breakfast there'd be this mound of food. He just needed to know it's available. That went on for like three or four weeks. He also had a really severe stutter. And one day he came to the table and just said, "Mr. Jim, can I have cereal?" and didn't ask for anything else and he wasn't stuttering. In about three weeks. I mean, he just needed to know. And you want to have that kind of power and influence, a positive influence in someone's life. The foster system is right in front of you. Christian folks, listen. I mean, it's a great place to make a deep impact into people's lives. What would be your last comment from each of you about get involved?

Bob Griffith: Well, the pastors in our country, they have a significant opportunity to lead their churches and to get this word out. So as I wrote in my book, 47 percent of all the pastors that were surveyed said that they would put foster care in the top three initiatives in their church if they only knew how. So it's not that they don't want to; they do. They just need to know how. And so there are ways to move forward. And I am a board member on an organization called Backyard Orphans, and they are the group that I always point people to to go and learn how. So if you're a pastor, if you are a leader in a ministry and you want to know how can I help my church be able to do this, that's who I always point people to because they assess—every church is different. A church of 50 people is going to do this different than a church of, you know, 5,000. So I would just point people to a resource like that to learn how they can be involved.

Wendy Griffith: What I would say is that as a stay-at-home mom, I was looking to make a difference for the Kingdom of God at the same time and I had always done that in the church. And with our yes to foster care what I realized was the Lord opened doors for us to meet with district attorneys, with judges, go to the capitol in Madison, Wisconsin and advocate with congressmen for children to have permanency. The Lord opened doors for me to advocate for children to find permanency quicker, and He did things that only God can do because it's close to the heart of God. It's in scripture. And so I think that was a huge reward for me personally to feel like I'm making kingdom impact, not only in the life of the children in my home, but in our community.

Bob Griffith: And then there's the caring for all of those foster families, and there's so much that the church can do that is easy, just to wrap around, support them, and keep them in the game longer. You mentioned that at the beginning of the broadcast, and it's a dropout rate of 40 to 60 percent nationally after one year because it can be hard. But when the church rallies around and says, "Here's an encouraging note, here's some diapers for you," I mean, it's just, it's like being a cheerleader and they don't want to give up. They want to keep going and they keep ministering to those children.

Jim Daly: Yeah, it's so good. You know, it reminds me we're doing this Truth Rising effort with Focus on the Family, really to motivate the church to engage. Even with all of our imperfections, guess what, we are imperfect people too as believers, but don't let that prevent you from engaging your community. And it can be tough at times, but if we're not doing the work of God, man, the scripture is pretty clear that you're not close to His heart. So we have to engage those things. There might be some people that just cut hair for a living. I mean, you can offer a discount to a foster family and just bless them. And that is holy work from God, blessing them, keeping them in this because God has a promise that the people in the church will be the answer to His promise in caring for the widows and the orphans. Well, thanks for being with us today. It's been a great conversation, and we appreciate it. Again, your example. And let me just say to the viewers and the listeners, we hope this will get you motivated to say, "Okay, I'll be that couple in my church." Do a little survey in your church, ask around to say, "Is anybody concentrating on this?" Ask your pastor, "Can I help in this way?" and hopefully they'll support you in that effort.

And then get a hold of us. We have plenty of resources here at Focus on the Family to help you in that endeavor, to guide you. We have a whole department that's committed to this called Wait No More. There's so much we're trying to do to encourage couples to get going. Of course, Dr. Bob Griffith, his wife Wendy Griffith, and their great book Fostering Jesus: Answering the Call to Foster Care in the Home and Church. Think about that, "when have I fed you, when have I given you drink? When you did it to the least of these you've done it to me." Again, no bigger arena for that than the foster system. So get in touch with us. That is the best thing you can do.

That was such an encouraging discussion with Bob and Wendy. In an increasingly individualistic culture, the Griffiths stand out by showing God's love, even when it costs them. We as Christians can open hearts and minds to Christ when we practice our faith by meeting the needs of others. 1 Peter 2:12 says, "Live such good lives among the pagans that though they accuse you of doing wrong, they may see your good deeds and glorify God on the day He visits us."

The culture is often hostile to Christianity, but our best defense is to let our actions show the transformative love of Christ. So, I hope you'll be thinking about ways you can help others, whether that's a co-worker who's struggling or maybe a teacher at a local school, or do what Bob and Wendy have done and get involved in foster care. We have a couple of ideas to support you in the help of foster care.

One way is to donate to our Suitcase Bundle program at Wait No More. When children are moved into a foster family, they often only have a few belongings in a trash bag. But you can provide them with a suitcase, a teddy bear, a Bible, and a handwritten note from a loving adult. We'll provide a link in the show notes on how to do that. When you donate to that program with a gift of any amount, we'll send you a copy of Bob and Wendy's inspiring book, Fostering Jesus: Answering the Call to Foster Care in the Home and Church. Your gifts help us expand our reach to impact more people for Christ and be a voice for truth in the culture. So let me say thank you for helping. Now, for the Inbox segment, here's a comment from Dave.

Dave: You know, I see a lot of people online talking about how Christians are all judgmental and bigoted. What do you think Christians can do to prove that we aren't inherently hateful, especially to people who already see us in that way?

Jim Daly: Man, this is so good because I think what we end up doing is translating being a witness for Christ into battling wits with somebody. It kind of reminds me of Princess Bride and we're sitting at the rock: "I'm wittier, I'm more witty than you." And that's not the faith. What we've got to do is put ourselves in that person's position.

I've done a lot to reach out to the LGBT community and talk about differences. And I'm saying first of all, I'm no better than you. I'm a sinner. I'm heterosexual, but my sexuality is driven in that direction, but I'm still a sinner. If I look at a woman and have lust in my heart, the scripture says I've already committed adultery. So realizing first and foremost that we're all sinners saved by grace. Did you save yourself? No. So act like it. And what that means is have empathy and sympathy for others and don't act like you know something they don't know, like it's some kind of big playground activity. Have a brokenness for the downtrodden, have brokenness for sinners.

I think that's what the Lord expects because the other side is a Pharisee, a religious legalistic person who looks down their noses at others because they don't live as righteously as you do. That's not where you want to be. Jesus attacked that and called them vipers. We do not want to be that and repeat it. So what do we do? We treat people with compassion. We're not trying to win an argument; we're trying to give them more information about the love of Christ and the truth of His word.

Well, that's a great question, Dave, and thanks for asking it. Not an easy answer, but that's my best try. And because we used your question here or comment, I'm going to send you ReFOCUS: Living a Life That Reflects God's Heart as my way of saying thank you. Now, if you have a culture or evangelism question or comment, please send me a voicemail or leave a comment in the contact form. Or use the contact form to tell me what you thought about this conversation and let me know what you'd like to hear us talk about on the podcast. The links are all in the show notes.

Thanks for listening to ReFOCUS with Jim Daly. Please take a moment to leave us a review. That's an easy way to support the podcast. And don't forget to like, listen, and subscribe wherever you get your podcasts. Join me again next time on ReFOCUS for another great discussion to help you share God's grace, love, and truth in the culture. That's next time on ReFOCUS with Jim Daly.