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Rebecca St. James: Hi and welcome to Practice Makes Parent where we understand it's not about perfection but about transformation. I'm Rebecca St. James.

Dr. Danny Huerta: And I'm Dr. Danny Huerta. Yes, this is about the transformation in your parenting. We get so many opportunities to do that. And today, we're going to do something different.

We're going to talk about some research. Six pieces of research that you are not going to want to miss here. You're going to learn some practical tools and some practical thoughts from these research pieces. So let's dive into this, Rebecca.

Rebecca St. James: I love it.

Dr. Danny Huerta: Well, before we jump in, though, I've got to tell a story. Lexie is now doing radio at her college. I'm so excited to listen to her. She does the weather and a variety of things. And at the end of it, she says, "Leave a little sparkle wherever you go."

Rebecca St. James: That's so Lexie because she does do that.

Dr. Danny Huerta: She does. But she told this story recently, and so now it's fair game to share the story. I was holding it back for a while. First semester of college, she gets her parking sticker. She loves water bottle stickers. She decided to put this parking sticker on her water bottle.

Now imagine what happened here. She ended up getting a ticket. She said, "Why am I getting a ticket?" They said, "You don't have your parking sticker on your car." She said, "Oh, I thought that was a water bottle sticker." And so here she had her sticker on the water bottle.

Rebecca St. James: Oh, no! What a cute memory. She had it on... Cute girl. She's like, "This water bottle sticker just looks so official. It just looks like this parking permit thing." She had it proudly on her water bottle.

Dr. Danny Huerta: The things our kids do that make us laugh and sometimes are challenges. But there's some new research. And I think the first one may get people talking a bit and may cause some frustration and all kinds of emotions. This is about can we have a favorite child or do we have a favorite child?

Rebecca St. James: Focus on the Family is not advocating for having a favorite child. Let's just let that be known.

Dr. Danny Huerta: So let's talk about this one. You want to set it up a little bit?

Rebecca St. James: The research says that parents can predict who their favorite child is but the kids usually can't. This is kind of wild. Youngest siblings tend to receive more favorable treatment. Oldest siblings are granted more autonomy as they age, a developmentally logical pattern.

Parents slightly favor daughters over sons, a bias parents themselves recognize, though children generally do not perceive it. What I like is that the children are not perceiving this even if it's real. That's kind of an encouraging thing.

Dr. Danny Huerta: But let's pause there for a moment. Younger siblings, and this is something that is talked about a lot when I'm on the road. Parents will say our kids are saying that the youngest sibling is the favorite.

Growing up, my sister, my oldest sister would say, "Danny, you're the favorite." Here, it's saying the youngest receives favorable treatment. Now oldest siblings are given more autonomy, more freedom, more control, and more power.

Rebecca St. James: Which that can be criticized by kids too, like, "They get to do that. They get to do that."

Dr. Danny Huerta: And we would say that. I would say, "Hey, Becky is..." and that's my oldest sister, "She gets this, she gets that." She had the extension of power from my parents. So Rebecca, what the research is saying in this case is that personality matters.

Kids that are more agreeable and more flexible in their personality tend to connect better with their parents. Makes sense because then there are less conflicts. Even though kids that are strong-willed and have that less agreeableness tend to have more opinion and are driven, they tend to have more conflict with their parents.

That's why this says there is that favoritism component that is perceived. It can feel that way. In your home, if kids are starting to complain about this, address it. Make an effort to talk to them and say, "Help me see it how you're seeing it," and then point out this personality piece.

Maybe there's a child that tends to be more compliant and more obedient, and walk towards this fact that some kids that are less agreeable may need more of your attention and your patience. That's something that you can grow in so that it doesn't feel unbalanced on the favoritism side. That's the takeaway, I believe, from this research.

Rebecca St. James: It's also saying that favoritism is almost never a conscious choice, which is nice to hear out loud, too. What this particular researcher is saying is that this isn't about guilt. It's about encouragement to look at places where parents can improve, too, where you can kind of grow in grace towards that world changer, strong-willed child.

I don't think I told you this, but I have so used the world changer language, which you guys use here at Focus for the leader-type personality, which is the strong-willed child, which is my oldest. Gemma has so adopted that that she told someone the other day, "Yeah, I've just got this leader personality. I'm just a world changer, what can I say?" I was like, "Yep, we've talked about that a lot." At least she was taking a positive slant on the strong-willed thing.

Dr. Danny Huerta: It can be tiring and it can be frustrating when you have a child that tends to be more opinionated and more difficult to raise. It doesn't change our love for them.

That's what we talk about in the Seven Traits of Effective Parenting. We talk about steadfast love, that no matter what you do, I still love you and I love you the same. Reassure your children that you may parent differently, but it doesn't mean you love them differently.

Rebecca St. James: And there's the unconditional love. Speak to that. We will love you always no matter what. We do that.

Let's go to the second one. This one involved 369 Italian young adults and the average age was about 22. It was published in the *Journal of Psychology*. This one was talking about parenting styles. There's one that's more overprotective, and then the other one was more about care.

It's this idea: is our parenting style more about overprotection or about care for the children? There's a difference in that. Parental overprotection predicted higher anxiety in adulthood, and it was that anxiety specifically that lowered life satisfaction. We do need to take this seriously.

Dr. Danny Huerta: One of them is about our own anxieties, and that's what the research points to in this case. Sometimes our parenting style goes towards wanting to satisfy our own anxiety rather than really caring for that child and trying to step towards their emotions and what they're experiencing.

This was about overprotection and how it leads to anxiety in that child into adulthood. In the overprotection, we actually shrink their life down emotionally. When a person is anxious, their life in the world shrinks. In our overprotection, we're actually shrinking their life as they become adults.

Rebecca St. James: Because there's more fear, right? I heard a quote a while back from somebody who said every one of our actions in life is either more motivated by fear or love. I think that's what we're talking about here. The overprotection comes from fear.

Then there is more of that open-handedness, and as Christians we would say trusting in God. Our children ultimately belong to Him. Yes, we've got to protect them, but not overprotect.

Dr. Danny Huerta: Really this is about bringing parental care and warmth. That means understanding but not trying to protect them from everything—from failure, from difficulty, or from uncomfortable situations.

In that warmth and care, we can come alongside of them in difficult situations rather than protecting them from them. That gives them more self-control and more anger control as they get older, according to the research.

Rebecca St. James: I think if we're too fearful about failure, they pick up on that, too. Whereas if we go, "Yeah, you're going to fail. I'm going to fail. We're not going to get it right all the time."

But there's such a learning experience in that that we all need as humans to learn and to grow constantly in life. If we embrace the teachability of hard times, then failure doesn't need to be something that we're scared about.

Any form of sin is a form of failure, but God's grace is there. Not that we want to intentionally go out and sin to just test the grace of God. We don't want to do that. But we can speak about this not with fear but going, "There are always these teachable moments that we can be looking for," because God's refining us and that is a good thing.

Dr. Danny Huerta: The takeaway here is we are preparing them for something instead of providing full protection. We can't protect them. That's God. God is the protector and in His case He doesn't even protect us from everything.

There's growth and opportunity to learn how to trust in Him. As parents we need to learn how to release certain things so that our kids get their opportunities for growth. That can be so hard for us as we're watching that happen.

Rebecca St. James: Because they've got to learn also to personalize their own faith where they know, Lord willing while they're under our roof, that they need Jesus. Not just our family needs Jesus, or mom and daddy need Jesus, but I personally need Jesus.

We want that child to go, "I need Him," and start practicing clinging to Him. I loved this: for parents who lean overprotective, the goal isn't to care less, it's to let care look like trust and release instead of control.

Dr. Danny Huerta: A phrase to think about as you're thinking about this piece of research is: is my decision truly protecting my child or trying to protect my anxiety? Look at this today as you are responding to what's happening in your child and you start feeling that anxiety. Ask yourself that, and that'll give you a good tool to work with today.

All right, let's go to research number three. This is a fun one. It's sorting through different parenting style fads, which kind of leans back to our last segment. It's highlighting helicopter parenting, which is one of these styles that we're going to be referencing.

Helicopter parenting is the overprotection that we just discussed, wearing a trendier label. It links to more anxiety and depression in kids. And Rebecca, when I wrote this article, I was just picturing a parent coming in right in the middle of a battle with a helicopter and just rescuing.

We can all say we've been guilty at some point or another of helicoptering. But there can be a pattern in our parenting style. We need to watch these patterns. Let's talk through some of these. You take dolphin because I feel like you've got some dolphin.

Rebecca St. James: I didn't say you're just a dolphin. I said I see some dolphin, which is great. I need more dolphin in my parenting, I think, because Cubby probably leans a little bit more dolphin. I think that's probably a reasonably regular mom thing, though, wouldn't you say? That the dad can lean a little more dolphin.

Dr. Danny Huerta: We each take our roles in the family and generally men and dads tend to go towards the playful side. There's more of a natural playful side they can draw out.

Moms have a lot going on in their mind and the brain. They have the lists and the expectations that they're having to fulfill. Those are the two roles that are necessary for the home, and we can learn from each other on that.

Rebecca St. James: I'm going to take elephant parents next. Elephant parents emphasize attachment and closeness. The takeaway from that is that connection matters, but kids also need to learn to sit with uncomfortable emotions. Elephant parents are all about attachment—just close, close, close. I want you to feel good and I want you to feel safe. Like the elephant sitting on them gently.

Dr. Danny Huerta: Tiger parents are intense parents. You can see them at sporting events. They're the ones yelling. Sometimes they'll get in arguments with everybody around them. They demand excellence, they're high-strung, and they're prone to burnout. They expect excellence, like straight A's and winning the match. The love feels pretty conditional with tiger parents, but they get a lot done. They have tons of structure and their house is impeccable.

Rebecca St. James: Free-range parents value independence and minimal guidance. The takeaway is that age-appropriate independence is good, but kids still aren't developmentally ready to reason through everything alone. Don't just send your kids out like the chickens.

Dr. Danny Huerta: Free-range parents believe that kids are going to learn on their own. They'll figure it out. It's the "figure it out" parenting. They feel that that's where most of the growth is going to take place. With very little guidance, kids will grow up and develop what they need to develop. In that, they'll develop some grit. They get to do whatever they want, basically. It's very permissive.

We talked about helicopter parents. The next one's a lawnmower or snowplow parent. They want to manicure things and open things up for their kids. They clear any obstacle from in front of them. When a kid gets a bad grade, this is when a parent comes in and starts to argue with the teacher about their kid having a bad grade when maybe they just didn't study enough.

Or they got in trouble in school and they blame the teacher rather than processing that with their child. The lawnmower parents take adversity away from their kids. The takeaway here, if you tend to be more of a lawnmower parent, is to help your child advocate for themselves. Balance that out by letting them learn how to advocate for themselves.

Many times lawnmower parenting and many of these parenting styles are with good intentions, but they're patterns that have come in. We have a Parenting Styles Quiz for you. This one divides it into the three main parenting styles that are out there in research.

The first one is Commander. The Commanders are similar to tiger parents. Commanders are ones where it's all rules and all expectation, with very little warmth and sensitivity. Then you have the Friend, and those are the helicopter ones or the dolphin ones. Friend parents are all about warmth and sensitivity, and very little expectation or guidance there.

The ideal one is the Guide. This is the one that balances high levels of sensitivity and warmth. That's the foundation to providing expectations, limits, and guidance to your kids. The takeaway here is that you do have a parenting style. You want to figure that out and then continue to grow.

We give you the Seven Traits of Effective Parenting assessment as a way to grow in regards to each child, but you can start with the Parenting Style Quiz. That will be in the description below. It takes about two minutes. Then from there, you can go into the Seven Traits of Effective Parenting assessment for each of your kids as you grow in understanding your parenting style. It's not about shame, but about growth in how you approach each of your children because each child is different.

Rebecca St. James: Let's go to four. This one is a big one: sleep. Family time and sleep. This was from the 2005 annual meeting from the American Academy of Sleep Medicine. The question being answered by this research is: what can help your children sleep better? It's family time.

Dr. Danny Huerta: The research is saying here that certain rhythms of family help sleep. Families with high parental engagement—eating dinner together, discussing tomorrow's plans—had close to a 51% rate of sufficient sleep in their kids. That's a big one.

Many times we're too busy to have dinner together, to take a walk together, or to play board games together. This is just about parental engagement and spending time together as a family.

Rebecca St. James: It looked at a different scenario within the family. Families characterized by a high-tech media-mediated connection or by conflict and household distancing dropped to roughly 40 to 42% with kids' sleep and the impact on that. It just impacts every area of life. If we're staying connected as a family and limiting technology, it's just better for our kids all around.

Dr. Danny Huerta: Our kids need good sleep. So the key takeaway for parents is to protect the dinner table. Protect your time together as much as you can. Prioritize that even if it's a few days a week. That helps their sleep time.

Ask them about what's happening tomorrow or what has happened today. Maybe use a highlighter. Put it at your table and talk about the things that you would love to highlight of the day. It doesn't mean everything you did well; it's about what you want to remember, what you want to grow from, and what you want to learn from.

Have those deeper conversations. That's what we're about here at Practice Makes Parent. We have intentional conversations with your kids. It's not about perfection, but about being intentional in your parenting. Prioritize your time with them.

Just realize technology impacts your attention. Your kids feel that. It also can throw sleep off and just your time. You can lose so much time with that. That's not to shame you, but just to be aware of it. Make sure you're aware of how you guys are using screens in your home and put some parameters around that.

Rebecca St. James: We'll talk more about this tech thing in our number six in just a minute. So we're at segment five now, which is gratitude builds grit. This was a study done in Southern China. I love that there's a variety of countries that this research is coming from.

It was published in the *International Journal of Psychology*. 660 adolescents ages 11 to 15 in China were tracked over 18 months in three waves of this. What they were finding is that gratitude builds grit. Positive parenting predicts higher gratitude in kids, and that gratitude predicts greater life satisfaction. Life satisfaction downstream of gratitude predicts higher grit.

Dr. Danny Huerta: It's really the Seven Traits in practice. You're adapting to what the child needs. That shows warmth because you care about who they are, the situation, their personality, their temperament, and the way they see things.

Respect means that you're adjusting you to where they're at. Intentionality shows another level of warmth—that you are intentionally spending time with them, intentionally listening and paying attention to them, and intentionally guiding them in a direction.

And you're guiding them towards autonomy, which means they can do this. You're helping them learn life skills. In that you show steadfast love where you let them know it's not about your performance, I just want you to keep growing.

From all that foundation, you give boundaries and limits. Boundaries and limits are highly loving; it's a loving act towards your children. It's warmth. That's positive parenting because then it's also mixed with grace and forgiveness. You're taking time for that repair, modeling it, and showing understanding with what stage they're in.

Maybe they're tired or hungry and you're showing that awareness. That's positive parenting because it flows and grows into their life rather than being high-control, high-pressure, and performance-based. Research on gratitude shows that it changes the biology and the chemical releases in the brain.

It changes our perspective. Our eyes see differently and our brains interpret differently. That is powerful. What are the habits in your home for gratitude? Take time, even if it's right before bed, asking for three gratitudes. That builds the grit because kids have a different perspective then as they head into challenge. They see other things besides just the obstacle. They're thankful for the fact they have an obstacle to learn from.

Rebecca St. James: That's amazing. I've always seen gratitude as a weapon in hard times. It's been life-changing for me. When things feel really challenging or heavy, choosing to look for things that I'm thankful for totally changes the perspective and gives you grit. I love that research.

Dr. Danny Huerta: That research in China was looking specifically at grit and the perseverance through difficult things because you have a higher life satisfaction because of your perspective. It's very powerful. All right, let's go to six, which is a bit alarming. It's research about how often we're on our phones and what that's doing to kids.

Rebecca St. James: It's a bit heavy, this one. It's research about how kids feel and their perspective of us as parents being on our cell phones. This research comes from 2015. Over 6,000 children were interviewed between the ages of 8 and 13. They found that 32% of kids said they felt unimportant when their parents were distracted by their cell phones. That's a high number.

Dr. Danny Huerta: One-third of kids are feeling unimportant because of a device. Imagine that. We don't intend to do that as parents, but that device takes our attention. It pulls us in and kids feel unimportant. That can happen so fast. We don't even realize how often we pick up those phones. They're designed to draw us in.

It's important to have those device-free zones. We've talked about that before. The dinner table, when you're playing together, making sure those phones are put away. It tells your kids they are important.

Rebecca St. James: 54% of kids also said that their parents spent too much time on their phones. That's more than half. They're noticing. Even when they're not feeling unimportant, they're noticing the time. It's taking away from the connection.

Dr. Danny Huerta: And they're going to model that, too. If they see us on our phones all the time, they're going to think that's what you do. It's modeling that distraction. We've got to be careful about that. We want to be present with our kids and look them in the eye. That's what builds that connection and that warmth.

Maybe look at your screen time today. Most phones have that feature now where it tells you how much time you've spent. Look at that and just be aware. Again, not for shame, but for intentionality.

Rebecca St. James: I love that—intentionality. That's what this whole episode has been about. Taking this research and letting it inform our parenting. Being intentional about favoritism, about overprotection, about our parenting style, our sleep, family time, gratitude, and our phones. It's all about being intentional.

Dr. Danny Huerta: It is. We've got resources for you at the Practice Makes Parent website. Check out the show notes for links to the Parenting Styles Quiz and the Seven Traits of Effective Parenting assessment. We're here to help you in this journey.

Rebecca St. James: Thanks for joining us today. Remember, it's not about being perfect. It's about transformation and being intentional. We'll see you next time on Practice Makes Parent.

Dr. Danny Huerta: God bless.