Practice Makes Parent

Guest (Male): Ready to boost your parenting? Take the 7 Traits of Effective Parenting Assessment. You'll learn your strengths and areas of growth and get access to resources to help you keep growing into the best parent for your kids. Take the assessment at ParentingTraits.com.

Rebecca St. James: Well, hi and welcome to Practice Makes Parent where we understand it's not about perfection but about transformation. I'm Rebecca St. James.

Dr. Danny Huerta: And I'm Dr. Danny Huerta. We're going to be talking about ADHD. This is an important topic for so many families. I know that if you're struggling with ADHD or if you have a family member that maybe is struggling with ADHD or a friend, you're going to appreciate this show. Make sure you tell them about this episode. It's going to be packed with a lot of practical tools around the topic of ADHD and healthy relationships.

Rebecca St. James: A lot of tools for parents and families, so we're excited to dive right in. We are going to have a Q&A a little bit later where we'll be talking about how many is too many extracurricular activities. My mom friends are talking about this, Danny. This is a big deal, so that's going to be really great.

Dr. Danny Huerta: So many options, so many opportunities, and so many fun ones. It's great. So we're excited to introduce you to Dr. Tamara Rosier. She's the founder of the ADHD Center of West Michigan where she leads teams of therapists and speech pathologists to help individuals and parents understand and develop skills to live with ADHD effectively. What a high calling that is. She's written the book You, Me and our ADHD Family. Tamara, welcome to Practice Makes Parent. We're excited you're with us.

Dr. Tamara Rosier: Oh, I'm so happy to be here. Thank you.

Dr. Danny Huerta: You talk about the goat rodeo, but before we go there, I just want to tease it up a little bit. Let's talk about what is ADHD? A parent may be thinking, does my child have ADHD? Is this normal behavior? How does a parent know that their child may need to be evaluated for ADHD or if their child is just showing normal behavior, maybe immaturity?

Dr. Tamara Rosier: So let's reposition ADHD a little bit. It stands for Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder. And really, those of us with ADHD, I'm outing myself so early, but I do that in books. So it's not that we have an attention deficit. We have difficulty directing our attention. I actually pay attention to too many things. Too many things are coming in and I don't have the filters.

So I'm going to nerd out just for a quick second, but I promise I'll come right back to you. So don't get nervous, okay? ADHD is a neurological difference in processing. It's not a gift. It's surely not a superpower. It's a difference.

And so that doesn't mean we're less than. I'll never forget the time I was driving down the road and I'm like, why am I built this way? And it just dawned on me. I was praying about it and it just dawned on me like, oh, it's not like God forgot to cook my brain longer. That's not the issue. I process things differently.

So let's talk about that a quick second. The prefrontal cortex, if your listeners are listening, they tap their forehead and that's the prefrontal cortex. It's this lovely part of your brain that directs. It's like a choir director or in my books I call it a butler. It's this calm butler saying, Tamara, your keys are right there. There's no need to rush out of the house. You have five minutes because my butler has a watch. The butler reminds me where I parked my car when I leave for the airport. It's very handy.

Except, as you may have guessed, those of us with ADHD have unreliable access to that butler and all those executive functions. It's unreliable access. It's why sometimes I can look like, wow, I'm nailing life. And other days, not so much. I search for my phone all the time. And thank goodness for the Find Me function. So it's an unreliable access.

When parents are seeing this, they're like, wow, this kid doesn't seem like he can play video games but he can't sit down to do this. I don't understand. Well, there's a different part of the brain called the limbic center and the limbic center inside is this little tiny part of the brain called the amygdala. And its sole job is to search for danger. And then when it sees danger, it freezes. It's flight, fright, freeze, or appease.

And so those of us with a very active amygdala, we have a quirky, twitchy amygdala when we have ADHD. And that amygdala sends signals to how we feel about that. And our brain lights up with all kinds of feelings. And normally the butler brain would go, hey, you could just ignore those feelings. None of this is a big deal. Oops, my butler is off in the backyard playing with squirrels. And so you see where the problem comes up.

And the reason I start with an adult explanation is ADHD runs in families, guys. And we have to start there. So whenever I'm working with parents and they say, well, I don't know, he might have ADHD. And so I describe what ADHD is. There's a problem like locking into attention. There's big emotions. We don't talk about that enough. That's not in the DSM, but it should be.

And so there's this emotional regulation issue. And usually that's when I see parents, they come and like, hey, my kid's melting down about this. So we have this issue of not managing the dopamine. And that's what you were referring to. And so what medication does is it tries to regulate the dopamine into this nice wave instead of this up and down jagged wave.

By the way, when boys hit where they kind of get the first testosterone boost into adolescence, estrogen is the anxiety hormone. Testosterone is the dumbing down hormone. And so a lot of boys, sorry, but it doesn't help the brain with impulse control. Exactly. And so a lot of boys will get diagnosed then. So when I'm working with parents, I really try to say, let's understand the whole system. Let's not just try to fix the kid. Let's understand what's happening here.

Rebecca St. James: Well, and it's very common, too. I think that's why we get so many requests here at Focus to talk about this. One in nine U.S. children has been diagnosed with ADHD. That's one child in nearly every classroom, on every sports team, and possibly at your dinner table right now. So that's why we're talking about it today. So can you back us up a little bit and just tell us about you growing up with an undiagnosed ADHD family? How was that for you? What do you know now that you wish you knew then? And I'm sure it's a lot, but what comes to mind first?

Dr. Tamara Rosier: Okay, so I'm super old and so I grew up in the 70s. And in the 70s, parenting was a little different. We were feral children. I had two parents who had ADHD. And one of them possibly had borderline personality disorder. And so my childhood was really rough. I'm here today because I had a grandmother who prayed for me. I'm getting teary just mentioning it because I'm so grateful for that.

I'm grateful for faithfulness. It is beautiful. And I'm so grateful. But it was a tough childhood. And so I internalized a lot of messages. Third-grade Tamara was in school and she looked around and noticed, how come everyone knows that it's recess time and I don't? And that's because my butler doesn't have a watch. My prefrontal cortex has no idea what time it is.

I would purposely unscrew the bolts on my seat to make it a little wiggle seat at my desk. It helped me, it was comforting. And it was just interesting. Third grade, I thought it was cool. I could do that. It was powerful. Also, there were dictionaries next to my desk. And I taught myself how to read etymologies of words. And this is in third grade, when other kids I should be focusing on what the teacher was teaching. But that never dawned on me to do that.

I also learned sign language because he had a poster of sign language, too. Do you see I'm learning things I'm not necessarily supposed to learn? And that was my journey. So I internalized those things. I forgot to put my names on my name on papers. I didn't have a secure enough home life where I would do homework consistently, things like that. And so I just internalized that I wasn't that smart.

And it wasn't until I was ready to graduate from college, and that was a little bumpy, that someone said, you should go to grad school. You're really smart. And I thought, why would she lie to me? I trusted her. And that's how deep the cuts were. And so I really do a lot of my work out of those original learnings of how painful it was, how ashamed I felt of myself. And I'm going to be really honest. The really truly tragic part of ADHD is why I wrote my first book saying your brain's not broken. Because I wanted everyone to know, you're not broken. You're different and you need a different environment supporting you.

Dr. Danny Huerta: Tamara, faith has played a role in this for you, right? Your relationship with Christ. Tell us about that, how that's played a role in the healing process that you've gone through and what that journey has looked like.

Dr. Tamara Rosier: You know, it's funny. I always thought I was a counterfeit Christian because I could never do it right. And here's what doing it right meant. It meant sitting down for an hour of devotions every day. And I'm going to tell you, no, that doesn't work well for me. And I have great intentions. You buy those devotionals and you're like, yeah, I'm going to do it. And you get through three days. And there's great ones out there.

So one of my favorite verses, oh, and by the way, those of us with ADHD have poor working memory and short-term memory. This really came to haunt me during AWANA and all those Bible memorizations because I don't quote the Bible well. But in Micah, there's a verse that says, what does the Lord require of you? And that I keep coming back to that and say, what is God asking me to do? I'm walking humbly with my God. I'm loving mercy. I'm seeking justice. That's my goal.

And so I finally figured out I wasn't a counterfeit Christian because I didn't, oh, and by the way, those prayer meetings I used to have to go to as a child. I would be sitting like, I must not love Jesus enough because I'm counting ceiling tiles, everything. And so God really, I'll never forget the day I was driving down East Paris in Grand Rapids, Michigan, and it dawned on me like, wait a minute, I made you this way, Tamara. I made you this way.

Dr. Danny Huerta: That's an important conclusion to come to. Just you're fearfully and wonderfully made. You're made uniquely in Christ. And let's go back to the goat rodeo because I know people are probably wondering what that means for ADHD families. Why does it resonate so much with them?

Dr. Tamara Rosier: Well, you're referring to the title of my first chapter. It's called Welcome to the Goat Rodeo. And when I was a young mother, because I didn't have a lot of examples of what motherhood could look like, I was making it up on my own. And I felt like I was failing every time. In fact, in the introduction to You, Me and our ADHD Family, I talk about loading the kids, I wanted a fun day in an amusement park, I packed everything, I was tired by the time I got there. And then in the backseat I hear, uh-oh. I went, what? And my, I think she was nine at the time, she forgot her shoes.

Because that happens. And at that time I wish I knew I had ADHD. I wish I knew that kid had ADHD. And I wish I knew that the most important thing is the relationship we have. It's not that we both have ADHD. And so when you have ADHD and you're parenting, it feels like a goat rodeo. And I don't really know what a goat rodeo is. I've never gone to one. But it's kind of fun to picture, right?

I think it's like barrel chasing. It's a lot. And I think it's all happening at once. If you've ever seen goats, they just kind of go wherever they want. And they kind of jump around. Exactly. And that's what I imagine it's like. So the goat rodeo is if you have ADHD in your family, you're running to church late. By the time I got everyone to church clean, looking normal, I would sit in the pew and think, I don't want to be here. I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you. And I'm like, oh, whoops, I'm missing this moment because I gave into the goat rodeo there.

Rebecca St. James: It totally makes sense. By the way, I'm enjoying your sense of humor. Talking about a sense of humor, you encourage naming ADHD traits as monkeys, so like Anxious Amy, Time-Blind Timmy, etc. How does naming them help? And do you want to add a few to what I just named?

Dr. Tamara Rosier: I use this technique. You're going to see this as kind of almost like an internal family systems approach to ADHD symptoms. I started doing this with children and I now use it with adults too. What it does is we want to separate ourselves from our symptoms. Just because I have Time-Blind Timmy, he's a little monkey, jumps on my shoulder, whispers, well, he doesn't whisper, he's off somewhere. But I need to like name that, but know that it's a monkey. And so the monkey isn't threatening me.

So let me give you an example. In my office, I would take out these monkeys and they're little stuffed little cute monkeys and I had little placards and I'd say, which monkeys do you think you have in your head? And so we talk, we'd make the animals talk to each other. And sometimes Mom was in the room. Mom's like, oh, I've got this monkey. So we just talk about the monkeys.

And one of the monkeys is named Anxious Amy. And this little boy, I'll never forget, he was seven years old, kind of the thick cute glasses that little kids can wear. He's kind of wearing those, well, actually, Tamara kind of kids. He chose Anxious Amy and he picked her up and said, I have Anxious Amy. And I said, well, and per my job is just being curious, what does she tell you? And he stopped and he thought, she tells me to worry. I'm like, worry about what?

And he said, everything. I said, well, let's name everything. What's she whispering in your ears? And we kind of acted it out. And then this is where this little boy was different. I said, well, what do we have to do with Anxious Amy? Now this is where some boys throw her up in the air and pretend to machine gun her. And I'm like, no, no, no, we don't hurt our monkeys because they're our monkeys to take care of. We have to lead our monkeys.

This little boy took the monkey, held her close and said, Amy, it's going to be okay. Mom started crying and then I started crying. The boy looked at us like, what's wrong with you people? But it was such a wonderful moment because that is what we have to do with our monkeys. We have to lead our monkeys. And that's why I do the monkey exercise.

Now, I happen to have Anxious Amy and Critical Kelvin. And when I can tell the story of the two monkeys talking, this is what it looks like. And I try to get parents to tell their monkey stories with their kids so that we can exchange monkey stories. We're normalizing all of this. My monkey story goes like this. I'm ready to publish my first book. Anxious Amy hops on my shoulder and says, Tamara, you've said too much. You're vulnerable. Don't be vulnerable. That was our rule. That keeps us safe.

And I start trying to reason with Anxious Amy, but Critical Kelvin jumps up, puts his arm around her and says, hey, she's right. You've made some big mistakes and you're going to look foolish. And for a second, I literally was listening to them and I believed them and I thought, maybe I can call the publisher and just buy all the books they printed and just forget this whole thing. I was listening to my monkeys. And then I'm like, wait, wait, wait. I have to lead my monkeys.

So I started with Amy. Amy, you're just trying to help me. I get it. Not being vulnerable has kept us safe in the past, hasn't it? Thank you. But I'm okay now. Kelvin, I get it. You're acting like a bully but you're still trying to protect me. Thank you for your protection, but I chose to do it this way. And that's how I teach children to talk to monkeys, adults to talk to monkeys. It's a way to show ourselves some more kindness.

Rebecca St. James: And I think even those of us that don't have ADHD can learn from that too because I think having more empathy for those parts of us that we want to reject is just helpful.

Dr. Danny Huerta: That's right. You know, there are different parts of who we are. And that's what you're addressing, just being able to accept those pieces of who we are and then interact with those and allow for each piece to grow, to become integrated into a whole and accepting. This is who I am and I can continue to grow. The word you use, normalizing, is important, especially with exhausted families. The reality with ADHD is there's exhaustion that goes with this.

So you're saying a parent most likely has ADHD with this and maybe undiagnosed, diagnosed, a different type of ADHD, and then you have a child with that. For a parent that doesn't have that and there's exhaustion around that, what would be your word of encouragement to that family as they're trying to make this work well in the midst of all the demands that are coming on this family? What are some ways that you can encourage them as they're going day to day and how can a family outside of that encourage that family?

Dr. Tamara Rosier: Well, first of all, I work with a lot of parents who are ashamed because their kids aren't normal. And they go to church and they hide it. And so I want to start with outside the family first. Make it okay for people to talk about their blemishes and their fears about their children and to be honest. I've worked with so many people who aren't honest at church. And I always encourage, find one person who you can just share this burden with.

Because there's a lot of fear that goes in parenting. I parented ADHD kids myself. They were nail-biters. They're all over 30 now, the ADHD ones are, and they made it. They're great humans, let me tell you. They're just lovely and we have great relationship. I didn't know that back when they were 14, 15, 16. I didn't know that when they were having challenges in college. So be that person that is so safe that it's a judge-free zone and you're curious. Within the family, if you don't have ADHD, well, we're a handful. We know that. And if you could just understand, we would be doing better if we had the executive function, too.

Rebecca St. James: Well, there's grace, and that's what I hear you saying over and over again. And that's why it's so important to have you share both from your experience and your stories within your family about just the need for grace. Grace to yourself, grace within the family, grace from people outside the family, grace from the church. I just love that you're speaking to that.

We're going to have a whole another day with you because we want this to carry over into a second episode because this is so incredibly needed. But I just want to wrap up with one last little question before we move to our Q&A. How does your Christian faith inform the way that you coach ADHD families? I'm very intrigued about this.

Dr. Tamara Rosier: I coach from it because it's who I am. Is it Francis of Assisi said, always preach the gospel, use words if necessary? I wrote Your Brain's Not Broken and You, Me and our ADHD to be accessible to people who might not have a Christian faith. If you look, you can look and go, yeah, this is woven with her faith. So it's just part of who I am and really I love mercy and seek justice. And I think what I do is come alongside of people and in our center we talk about this, we hold hope for people until they can hold it for themselves.

Rebecca St. James: That's a quote right there, hey? I love that. Well, there is a lot to cover from Dr. Rosier's book, You, Me and our ADHD Family. I'm holding it up right now. So I'm so glad that we're going to continue this conversation next week. And you can get a copy of Dr. Rosier's book by going to our show notes. It's available for a gift of any amount to Focus on the Family. And as you contribute, we really do just want to say thank you for your generosity. Your support is essential and the heart of the ministry at Practice Makes Parent and Focus on the Family.

Dr. Danny Huerta: That's very true. And with approximately 7.1 million children ages 4 to 17 in the United States and over 15.5 million adults dealing with ADHD, this is an important topic. Dr. Rosier's book is practical and has lots of hands-on information that you can use right away. But if you'd like to talk to someone directly about what's happening in your family and to get some ideas, some practical ideas you can use right away, including resources you can access, we have a counseling line. Don't forget that here at Focus on the Family. It's 1-800-A-FAMILY.

Rebecca St. James: We so appreciate when our listeners reach out. We have a question today that we'd love to ask Dr. Rosier to weigh in on. Today's question comes from a dad who wanted to remain anonymous. He says, "What is your recommendation? We have four kids and they are doing soccer, softball, baseball, and church activities. They all love sports and we want them to be well-rounded, but how much is too much? My wife and I are on shuttle duty every other day after work and we just wonder if the benefits outweigh the costs. My wife and I like your podcast."

Just very quickly because I want to go to the doctors in the house, but I do feel, especially having lived this out especially recently in our family, that if you're getting warning signs that relationships are starting to be hurt by the hustle and the hurry and you're not honoring these biblical values of Sabbath and rest, I would say cut out some things. If it just seems like you're trying to beat the clock all the time and, again, not having that rich family time that is so important to everybody's emotional, mental, spiritual health, yeah, cut some things out. That would be where I'd begin.

Dr. Tamara Rosier: So I look at things with an ADHD lens. So if there's ADHD in the family, a lot of times exercise is a golden tool for helping manage ourselves because we burn off that excess energy. It's like burning off that rocket fuel before you reenter, right? So for some families, it is very good. And the structure of it.

But here are my caveats. I like families to hold family meetings. Because it's not just one kid in a sport, it's the family, right? So we hold family meetings, we walk through the calendar, and then we walk through who's owning what. Okay, now we're supposed to bring snacks. I need you cutting up oranges and we're walking through the organization of it. Without these family meetings, we're just running around. We're chasing down equipment. Oh my goodness.

So whose responsibility is it to have the uniform clean? Whose responsibility? And I'm going to tell you, I try to make children responsible. So if I am to take you to practice or if Mrs. So-and-so is picking you up, you need to have your bag ready at that time. And we start to get rides, just hey, we're going to take them on Wednesday, you take them on Friday. We can work it out, but we need the family communication there. Because we're teaching our kids this comes at a price and we have to organize and we're in this together.

Dr. Danny Huerta: That's great. The price is the key piece here. Family time, dinner time, prayer time together as a family. That's the quality time you want to make sure those aren't being impinged upon. And it makes sense that kids would want to be involved in a variety of activities. Many families put a rule that it's one sport or one structured activity per season per child. And even then, that can get really overwhelming. So as a family, figure out how you guys can do as much as you can as a family to maintain that connection, to show the value of connectedness.

And this one, it's sounding like there's a bit of balance issues where it's all shuttling. It feels that way, anyway, to this dad. And so what I encourage you to do is take inventory of that. Where are you guys spending your time? How can you make time for that quality time where you feel connected and you feel active as a family? And maybe there's some of these sports that you can do together. So let's say one of your kids is into soccer. How can the family interact in that sport outside of that to continue the practice? And if there's softball, doing the same thing in baseball, finding ways to continue the interaction.

And then the big one, the big question we get is what about the year-round sports once those come into this? You have to weigh the price, the cost that is family time and family connectedness and also financial costs that come with this. One of the encouragement pieces that I'd give you is your kids are learning discipline through this. They're learning team, how to work within a team, they're learning amazing things. And so it's good to balance this, still keep them involved, and see if there's some seasons where you guys can separate it out so you can continue to maintain that connection.

Dr. Tamara Rosier: Could I add one other encouragement? As a mom of former athletes, don't miss the moment. Driving to practice, we had great conversations. Me showing up on the sidelines, watching them play, that meant something to them. And all that little stuff, don't miss the moment. You're building relationships and that is important, too. And so I know it feels tiring. Actually have the boundaries, have the balance, but don't miss the joy. This is going to be over, says the parent of a 30-something.

Rebecca St. James: Go to God in prayer about it, too. I think if you're having questions like this, go to God in prayer because he wants to show you what a good healthy balance looks like in your family life.

Dr. Danny Huerta: Absolutely. I remember coaching my son's teams and being involved. You can find ways to still be involved and have fun with it. And you're right, it goes fast and before we know it, they're out.

Rebecca St. James: Well, we're going to send that anonymous dad Danny's book, Seven Traits of Effective Parenting, as our way of saying thank you for participating in the show. And we'd love to send you a book as well if you send us in your question. Make sure you send us your email or better yet, make it a voicemail with your question. We could even play it on the air and we'll hear your voice, but we love hearing from you.

Dr. Danny Huerta: Tamara, thank you so much for providing some practical strategies and also just a clear understanding of ADHD and how this has impacted you in a personal way and how you've brought your faith into this in a very intentional way and how you're serving people. So thank you so much. We appreciate you sharing your insights here on Practice Makes Parent.

Dr. Tamara Rosier: It's so good to be here.

Dr. Danny Huerta: If you know a family that can benefit from all this great insight on ADHD, make sure you send them the link to the podcast and invite them into the community we have here or text them right now. Go to PracticeMakesParent.com with a little smiley face, a little emoji. Your recommendations will mean the world to us. We enjoy having you apart of the community here at Practice Makes Parent. I'm Dr. Danny Huerta.

Rebecca St. James: And I'm Rebecca St. James. Join us next time for more tips for transforming your parenting on Practice Makes Parent.

Guest (Male): Ready to boost your parenting? Take the 7 Traits of Effective Parenting Assessment. You'll learn your strengths and areas of growth and get access to resources to help you keep growing into the best parent for your kids. Take the assessment at ParentingTraits.com.