Practice Makes Parent

Dr. Danny Huerta: Hi and welcome to Practice Makes Parent, where we understand it's not about perfection but about transformation. I'm Dr. Danny Huerta.

Rebecca St. James: And I'm Rebecca St. James. I'm so happy to be here.

Dr. Danny Huerta: Yes, me too. And we have a great guest today. Have you ever heard the expression, "People don't care how much you know until they know how much you care"?

Rebecca St. James: I have.

Dr. Danny Huerta: Today we're going to integrate that saying into our conversation about how we raise our pre-teen and teen daughters. Raising a teen daughter was a joy and a challenge. I loved it. Now she's an adult young woman and I love seeing her thrive.

Rebecca St. James: A tribute to you and Heather. She's doing great.

Dr. Danny Huerta: All to Jesus. She loves Jesus, and I'm so thankful for that. If you're listening and you have sons, I'm certain that you're still going to get plenty from this show. There are some great principles and practical things that will be quite useful for you as you're raising your boys. Don't go anywhere, but keep listening.

Rebecca St. James: Most of these concepts are going to be universal and timeless for every parent. I'm particularly excited about it because I have a pre-teen daughter, Gemma, who is 11. She is a sweet young lady. To talk about the teen years and how to aim our vision for directing our girls, leading them, and mentoring them is exciting and encouraging to me because I do have fear.

I get a bit nervous sometimes of what's coming with all these hormones. We're also going to be answering a listener question about a pre-teen boy who isn't making good choices. We have some interesting news also about how parents aren't talking to their kids about sex. Most parents are not, apparently.

Dr. Danny Huerta: It's kind of a scary thing. It can be awkward. This is all about relationship building between parent and child. Our guest today is Carrie Kampakas. I love that last name. I know she has some very practical tips that you're going to love to hear about.

Carrie's a mother of four daughters. A lot of weddings are coming up potentially. She's a bestselling author, a popular speaker, and a podcast host. She's written several books for girls and for moms. She's here today to share how parents can foster a strong identity and self-confidence in their daughters during the pre-teen and teen years. Also, she will share how parents need to adjust their parenting styles as their daughters grow. Carrie, welcome to the show.

Carrie Kampakas: Thanks for having me. I'm excited to be here.

Dr. Danny Huerta: I was thinking about our daughters growing up. At each stage of their development, there are new things that they need to scaffold, that they need to learn. Going into the teen years, it's that area of self-confidence and identity in Christ that is so important. I know that's a passion of yours.

There are so many things in culture that begin to press into our pre-teen and teen daughters. What are some of those things in culture that can potentially confuse or throw our daughters off? How can we help our daughters find their own identity or begin to discover it because it's a lifelong journey?

Carrie Kampakas: Obviously, we want to raise children who find their identity in Christ. But for teenage girls, there are so many other distractions. We all tend to find other idols in our lives. For teenage girls, sometimes they can find their identity in their friend group, which is why they're devastated when something happens in their friend group. If that's your identity and all of a sudden you're out or you're being ghosted, what does that mean for your self-worth?

Girls also tend to find their identity in a boyfriend or in whether they're getting dates, which is also a scary proposition because these things can change overnight. They often find their identity in athletics or their performance, especially if they're very talented in a certain area. When I'm speaking to girls, one thing I like to have them think about is what happens if you break your leg and you can't dance anymore.

If you were finding your identity in your boyfriend and all of a sudden your boyfriend breaks up with you and he starts dating somebody else, what then? What is going to happen to your self-confidence if you're always basing it on something that can change overnight? We sometimes have to learn these lessons the hard way, and sometimes as parents, we have to let our children learn that lesson the hard way.

You can tell them all day long that your friend group can drop you, your boyfriend can break up with you, these things can change overnight, and you can lose your spot on the team. They won't always believe you until it actually happens. I always tell parents not to be scared of that because it might take that rock bottom moment for them to realize why Jesus is the only secure anchor and why that is what we're called to find our identity in Christ.

Dr. Danny Huerta: Culture is feeding our daughters the message that there's just something else you need to have to be enough, to be lovable. Here are some answers for you as you're grappling with whether you can be loved and whether you are enough for somebody else. We have to enter those conversations as parents.

Rebecca St. James: It is easy to tell our pre-teens and our teenagers what to do or how to think or be too much all up in their business. Carrie, you have a story about shifting from correcting your daughter to connecting with her. Can you share about that?

Carrie Kampakas: When my girls were little, one thing I would tell my young self is just to give myself more time and to be more patient. I'm just not a naturally patient person. When I had four little girls, I needed cooperation if we were going somewhere. I had one that just had a mind of her own. She was the strong-willed child.

As an adult, it has served her very well. But when they're little, it can be very hard to parent that. She was a child if I said go right, she'd go left. She was constantly doing her own thing. I was constantly getting frustrated and snapping at her and just getting onto her in front of her sisters. I thought that's what she needed was that tough love.

What I realized was I wasn't connecting before I corrected her. I can see it now. I will do it differently when I have grandchildren one day. I really learned a lot from my husband. He is a lot more patient than I am, and he wasn't spending all day long with them. He'd come home from work, and she would act out. Instead of snapping at her like I did, he would just pull her aside for two minutes.

He would sit her on his lap and he would just whisper in her ear. I don't know what he said, but sometimes I'd get frustrated because I thought he wasn't being tough enough on her. But what I noticed was that one, she often behaved better after he talked to her. Two, she would often go up and hug him for no reason, and she was not doing that with me.

It just made me sit there and study him and think about what he is doing that I'm missing here. I realized that we don't want to take correction from somebody that we don't feel loves us. She wasn't sensing that love. He would tell me she wants to please us; she just needs a little extra attention. In my head, she was a troublemaker. She just wanted to do whatever I said not to do.

But when I started putting his way into practice, I got better results and I saw that she did behave better. I know that now—to connect before you correct. That was something I didn't have the patience to do as a young mom and what I wish I'd done now as I look back. I wish I had sat on my lap when she did act out and told her I loved her strength. God is going to use that strength to move mountains one day. But right now, I need you to listen to me. If you don't listen to me, there are going to be consequences. Do you understand that? Hindsight is 20/20.

Dr. Danny Huerta: What I admire about that, Carrie, is that you weren't competing with your husband. You were saying, "How can we learn from each other?" which is what marriage is about. You're learning from each other, not competing for love. You're not competing with each other to see who's the better parent, who's the better at this, or who has the better job. It's really about learning from one another, supporting each other. You looked at your husband and you said, "Maybe I can do something different." That takes a humble heart. Kudos to you to do that and to have that teachable heart because it began to change your relationship with your daughter. What's your advice for a mom who isn't connecting or has a strong-willed child?

Carrie Kampakas: If you get it in your head that one child is a troublemaker or they're not listening to you, sometimes you just all of a sudden start picking up on everything they do wrong and you can't see anything they're doing right. That's the scary part. The starting point and what I had to do is really praying about it. One of the best prayers we can pray is, "God, help me see my child through your eyes."

Help me see her, help me see him as you see them. Really just getting our hearts in the right place and just seeing them as God sees them. Also remembering that none of us come out of the womb perfect. We are all a work in progress. We're a lifelong work in progress. So many times, we expect our kids at age 14 to be as mature as a 50-year-old.

It doesn't happen magically. We've got to train them. Now I can see that it really is all teachable moments. This is a chance to talk about the fruit of the Holy Spirit. Say, "Hey, I see you're acting out. What's going on? I know sometimes when I'm acting out, there's something going on deeper inside of me. Is there something I should know about? I care about your heart."

Always parent the heart, not the behavior. Really get to what might be the root cause of what's causing that outward behavior that we don't like. Also, talk about why we need Jesus. Without Jesus in our heart, we are not capable of producing the fruit of the Holy Spirit. We are not capable of being kind, of being gentle, of being patient without His help.

It's really good for our children to see that and to have their own testimony, their own story. I used to get really angry and act out. Then I started praying and asking God for help, and I could see Him doing a good work in me because all of a sudden, I'm able to respond more calmly. I'm not acting out like I used to. We can't take credit for those moments. When we know it's Jesus working inside of us, we can give credit to the Holy Spirit and the way that He's transforming us.

Dr. Danny Huerta: I was thinking back at just some moments with my daughters as they were growing up. You could tell with the behaviors that something was going on inside of her. Coming over to her, whether it was myself or my wife, and us just sitting down and looking into her eyes and saying, "Hey, what's really going on? This is not normally you. Tell me what's going on way in there. I can't see your thought bubbles. I can see the effect of your emotions coming out. Something is there that you're trying to manage. Can we just come alongside you as you try to figure this one out?"

We would just look deep into her eyes. She'd try to regulate and look away, and I'd just stay there or my wife as well. With a calmness, we'd try to connect even if she was pushing back. I've seen it in counseling sessions as well, where a parent is trying their best to connect with their teen daughter. You can see the teen daughter either rolling their eyes or regulating because they're afraid of somebody getting too deep into there because of so many different emotions that they don't know how to handle. What you're saying is so important for us to think about as parents. Do we pause enough to be present with our daughter, emotions and all, especially when those emotions are popping out? We can take it personally.

Rebecca St. James: I love that. Just how to press in and let them feel that attentiveness. "I'm tuned into you. I really care enough to see what's going on in you and I want to be with you in it. I want to team up with you in it." You also talked about highlighting the good that we can see. I related so much to what you were saying earlier with your one strong-willed daughter because my oldest is reasonably strong-willed. There were just so many things that were just causing problems within the house.

When I started seeing good things and tuning my eye to see good things and then pointing it out, affirming it, it changed the narrative so much. We talk about the marble jar or having a little board that has little ticks on it with their name. They get a certain amount of ticks next to their name and they get special time with Mom and Dad. Looking for those things, looking to reward them, looking to affirm, it changes us too. It changes the child because they're being highlighted by Mom and Dad and it changes the sense within the home. You have outlined 10 essential traits that are worth prioritizing with our teen girls. Can you speak to that to our audience?

Carrie Kampakas: In my new book, *Is Your Daughter Ready?*, the theme of the book is we have 18 years, generally speaking, to prepare our kids for the real world. I heard it when my kids were little, that we have 18 years to pack their suitcase, and this is the suitcase they're going to carry out of our home and take into the real world. As moms, we're bombarded with all these things that we have to do. What I really wanted to do was just narrow down the 10 most essential things we can pack in their suitcase. What deserves our time and our energy?

The first chapter's on truth—just instilling truth in their heart. That goes back to their identity in Christ and that they are God's masterpiece. They were created for this moment in time and created for purpose. When our kids leave home, that truth is going to be challenged like never before. We don't know what they're going to hear, but we know that they will hear lies. We know that they will believe false narratives. We really want to instill that truth in their heart so that when they hear something that counters that truth or contradicts that truth, they know what to believe.

Relationship smarts is another. This is something I've been thinking a lot about lately. We worry so much about our children being smart, but really what we need to worry about is their relationship smarts. All the research out there shows what creates a happy life, what makes people bring them the most joy in their life—it's all about relationships. That's something I see this next generation really struggling in. They are crushing it in so many different areas as far as performance and talent, but a lot of them do not know how to build healthy relationships. That starts with the work we do on ourselves and really helping them as parents develop the relationship smarts, not only to get themselves in a healthy place but to also choose healthy relationships.

Also talk about faith—just the importance of faith and teaching our children. It's hard for them to see God's work in their life because they don't have a long back story to look back on like we do. I can look back on the first 50 years of my life and see God's hand in so many different moments and how He carried me through dark times or hard times. But our children don't always have that. They might be going through their first heartache or their first dark season and they don't know if they'll get through it. Instilling that faith and trusting God in advance for the work that He will do is important.

Another chapter is on connection. This is a big one for parents because it's something hard as our kids leave home. We start to parent less with control and more with influence. I share a lot of ideas to help parents build their influence with their child because once they leave home, once they become a legal adult, we don't have the control that we used to have. But we can keep a voice in their life and they do still need us, it's just in a different way.

Dr. Danny Huerta: That one, Carrie, I think that could be a whole show in itself. Just this idea of a mindset of influence rather than control. There are really good intentions on the control side from parents, especially parents that are super involved and intentional. They want their kids to succeed, and there's a fear underneath that maybe they'll fail, maybe they'll be hurt. There's an avoiding of pain and of mistakes. That's when we learn so much. So the idea of influence is great. You said truth, relationship smarts, connection. Just go through the rest of the 10 really quickly.

Carrie Kampakas: Love is also another one—just packing love. That is the connecting before you correct and just really not only helping them understand our love for them but also God's love for them and modeling God's love for them. Truth, integrity—just helping them produce character. Talking about the fruit of the Holy Spirit, teaching our children to be a light and helping them understand that that's their purpose here is to be a light in a world that can be very dark, in a world that is hurting and suffering that needs their light.

Teaching them perspective is important. I've heard counselors say that this is one thing that teenagers today are really struggling with is perspective. Something that should be a level three is a level 10. They're not just sad, they're depressed. They're not just anxious, they have social anxiety. Everything's just so magnified. Helping them have that perspective of life is important.

Discernment is another chapter. This is something I have thought so much about in recent years. We are repackaging one of my first teen books and they invited me to write a new chapter. I started thinking, "What would I add based on what I've learned over the past 10 years?" I've added a whole chapter on discernment. I love what Charles Spurgeon says about discernment. He says that it is the difference between right and almost right.

Especially with girls, I really try to help them understand that there's truth to female intuition and your gut instincts. This is true for men too. Really tuning in to what God might be telling you through just those inklings and those quiet knowings and those feelings that you have that something is right or something isn't right. As our kids leave home, they really need to learn how to tune in to what God might be telling them to do.

We talked about connection. Also perseverance is a big one—being resilient. I think we live in such an age of perfection that a lot of kids shut down if they're not perfect and they expect to be an expert at something at their first try. That's just not reasonable. That's just not a fair expectation. Understanding that perseverance and getting back up when you fall down and not letting things stop you is vital. For some people, I think it comes more naturally than others, but that's something we can celebrate as parents—that perseverance, that resilience that our kids show.

Purpose. All of us, whether you're 5 years old or 50 years old, we all need to feel needed. Helping our children understand their purpose, a lot of times it's just mining their life and it's that self-awareness of what do you do better than the average person. What experiences and stories has God given you that might be used to help other people? I'm a big believer in purpose and helping our kids discover that healthy drive and to understand that they're here to serve their generation and that God has equipped them to serve their generation in every single part of their story, whether it is a failure, whether it is a heartache, whether it is a huge success. It is all playing into a bigger story.

Dr. Danny Huerta: It's all about being set apart. That's really what this is all about. All 10 of those. Be yourself, everyone else is taken. Your daughter, in this journey of purpose, faith, discernment, and perseverance, it's this discovery of who God created them to be and guiding our daughters towards that with excitement. Yet our daughters go towards comparison all the time. As parents, we do that. We compare to others. What do you think is at the root of comparison, and how do we help our daughters move past comparison towards this individual adventure of discovery?

Carrie Kampakas: I think it's social media, honestly. You're hearing about Australia—they just banned social media for under age 16. I really think that could be a really good thing in the United States. Even for these young moms, one reason I have such a heart for them was because I became a mom in 2002. This was before social media. I was comparing myself, but my comparisons were limited. I was comparing myself to the moms at the park or the moms that I had in a playgroup. That already felt overwhelming enough. But I was not comparing myself to every mom on the planet.

Everybody's an expert. Everybody's going to be outdoing you in some area. What comparison does is take you away from the path that you're on, even if you were feeling pretty good about it, pretty certain about the path God wants you to be on. All of a sudden you see what somebody else is doing and it can be such a distraction and it can send you down a major rabbit hole. All of a sudden you're clamoring to do things and suddenly discontented with the life that God gave you. The problem with comparison is that we can be so fixated on the joy and success of somebody else's life that we miss the blessings and the joy in our own life.

We're all guilty of it. When I speak to girls, I own up to it myself. Even at my age, I do this. You can feel totally happy with your life one minute and then you get online and you see somebody who's outperforming you or doing better and you're discontented with your life. It's just taking your thoughts captive and giving them to Christ. Having that self-awareness to realize that this isn't healthy. One, it's not healthy for us to be looking at somebody else's life because it distracts us from the kingdom work that God wants us to be doing and focusing on. Two, it's not healthy for our relationships because when we're comparing ourselves, we either feel better than somebody or less than somebody. Neither one of those is going to build a better relationship. I tell girls, you are meant to run the race that God set for you. He wants you to run that race with blinders on. You were born to do this work. When you can do that and when you can cheer for the girls that are running beside you in the race that they were born to run and you're all cheering each other on, that is how sisterhood thrives. That is how everyone thrives and it's how we're made to live. Your race is unique and it's going to be different than everyone else's.

Dr. Danny Huerta: It opens up an amazing conversation with our daughters. Why do you think you want to compare yourself to her, to them? What is it about them that you feel you're missing, and why is that so important to you? What is it about that person that you admire? There's a longing of the heart there, and you want to explore that instead of shaming it. Why that person? Are you wanting more acceptance, more followers? People were comparing before social media. It was keeping up with the Joneses then. They wanted more attention or more love. There's something deeper that is a thirst beneath the surface that our daughter is longing for, and it would be great to explore that. Social media has exploded this to a whole new level that makes it so difficult. Good for Australia—I think that makes sense completely for a child's brain.

Rebecca St. James: You're really hitting on something else too. Can you walk it through? A girl is overwhelmed, she's feeling less than, she's like, "I'm not enough," she's feeling super insecure, she's ruminating on these kind of thoughts. What would you say to that girl?

Carrie Kampakas: In going back, tying in Danny's point, say your daughter is really frustrated because she's always playing tennis with her best friend and her best friend is very talented and she's getting better because she always beats me. That's a common narrative—she always beats me and that's where jealousy takes root. That's where it can really hurt your relationship and you're resenting that person that's always winning.

If you take that thought captive and think, "That's not really a healthy thought. What's behind that thought?" I guess what's behind that thought is I want to be talented at tennis too. I want to be a great player like she is and I'm jealous. That self-awareness is huge. What you can do is take that thought captive and let it motivate you. Instead of saying she always beats me, she always wins, it's not fair, say, "God has gifted her with this amazing talent and she's going to make me a better player. I'm going to push myself more. I'm going to stretch more. Maybe if I ask her for some tips or some advice, she can give me some tips on how to become better myself. One day I might beat her in a match and if I do, I'm going to feel so proud of myself because I will know that that was hard-earned." In the meantime, you can compete, you can let that jealousy motivate you, and then all of a sudden you're cheering for that friend. You want her to succeed because we want to be surrounded by people who are better than us. You want friends who are ahead of you, you want friends who are kinder than you, who are more talented than you because it gives you a vision of who you can be and it's going to help you become better in your life. That's how we grow.

Dr. Danny Huerta: That shows complete emotional maturity. You have some kids that are so competitive. For them to get to where you just described, celebrate it. Have dinner out. Look at you, you shifted your whole brain. It's exciting to see our teens grow. If a daughter that's competitive is able to get to where you just described, Carrie, what a joy that is because her heart is beginning to shift towards a place of seeing others other than herself.

Rebecca St. James: You said too about having people around you that are ahead of you that call you to greater heights in every area of life. I think of that spiritually too. Our girls need mentors. They need people that are maybe ahead of them spiritually and maybe the same age or a little bit older and can come around them and just living with Jesus and our girls see it. I think that's another part that's just super important as well. This conversation is so helpful. So many great tools and nuggets that I know our audience is going to take away with them. We're just so thankful for your wisdom, Carrie.

Dr. Danny Huerta: We're going to have you as part of our Q&A, Carrie. Excited to get to that.

Rebecca St. James: Carrie, you have a number of books that may interest our audience. If you're listening and you're raising young girls, we would love you to check those out. We would highly recommend that you start with *Is Your Daughter Ready? 10 Ways to Empower Your Girl for an Age of New Challenges*. This one is for moms. As we also mentioned, Carrie has a devotional to help girls live their own lives instead of trying to live someone else's. It's called *Yours, Not Hers: 40 Devotionals to Stop Comparisons and Love Your Life*. This is a book that your daughter can journal in and it would make a great gift for any girl who's graduating one grade and moving to the next or graduating high school and moving on to college. We hope that you'll pick up one or both of these by going to our show notes.

Dr. Danny Huerta: Most girls are into magazines. There aren't very many, if any, that are faith-centered with a biblical worldview. But there's *Brio* magazine. *Brio* magazine brings your daughter uplifting articles. It brings your daughter and you as a mom uplifting articles about girls doing friendship, social life, fashion, and life well that is centered on Christ. It's stories about other young women who are making a difference in this world. It's inspiring. It's also very practical. There are places where your daughters can write their thoughts, their reflections, journal about their walk with Christ. It's a wonderful, very highly illustrated magazine. Not only colorful, but there are quizzes there for your daughters as they take some time for self-reflection and it's aligned with Christian values. Moms, be sure to check out *Brio*. You can read it, I think you'll love it as well. Get your daughter a subscription to *Brio* magazine today. All the details are in the show notes.

Rebecca St. James: Now let's get into the Q&A portion of the show. Carrie, even though most of your work is geared toward moms and daughters, we'd love to get your take on this one as well. Today's question comes from Jolene.

"My 12-year-old son is not making good choices at school. Getting into trouble with other boys, poor grades, detention, and at home he is demanding and unloving. He doesn't like me to touch him, and if I ask for a hug, he resists and won't hug back. He won't say I love you either. What concerns me most is that I have caught him lying. We have a very stable family, I'm a stay-at-home mom, and I'm usually the one who does the disciplining, which over the years of listening to you, I try to do it with grace." That's nice. "My son says he doesn't like our youth minister, so he won't go to youth group. He will reluctantly attend mass with us, but I'm so concerned for his heart. What could be the root issues here? When I ask, he won't open up. His father doesn't seem to be as concerned, but I feel I've hit a wall and I need your advice desperately." What do you think, Carrie?

Carrie Kampakas: I agree 100%. I want that mom to know I worry a lot more about the kids who don't have a mom like that than the ones who do. Starting off, I hear from so many moms that their child is struggling and they're beating themselves up. They're blaming themselves and taking it like it's all my fault. I just want that mom to know that you're doing a great job and your child has been given a gift that he's been given a mom like you that is so intuitive.

There's something to a mom's intuition and a woman's intuition and that's a gift, a grace she's been given from God. I think really leaning into that and praying before anything. "God, help me, give me the wisdom, give me the insight." I used to pray when my kids were little, especially, pray that they would get caught. My kids never liked that prayer, but it's hard to catch them in a lie. It's hard to see that your child is doing these things you don't want them to be doing. But it's also a grace from God because she's really been given a great opportunity to try to nip it early rather than to let this behavior continue and it'll be much harder for him to change when he's 30 or 40 years old.

So really, I think there's something deeper going on. There might have been some kind of trauma. They say now that sometimes there's soft trauma. It might have been somebody said something to him. Something happened. One thing when my kids were being especially ornery like that or just not receptive to love, the image I'd often have to remember is that we're called to love our children like God loves us. How many times are we ornery and we're rejecting Him and we don't want to talk and He's still pursuing our heart?

Just to encourage that mom to keep showing love to him. Keep hugging him, keep telling him I feel like something's going on, try to look for opportunities to have that conversation. If he's not ready to have it, say, "I know you might not be ready to talk about it now, but whenever you are, I am here. This isn't you and I know this is not who God created you to be." They say that anger is a secondary emotion. There's usually something else going on under that, often sadness. Just feel like you're not alone. You're not the only one. If something happened that's causing this, please just know I'm here to help you.

When it comes to the lying, I would always tell my children just really talking about I want y'all to have great relationships when you get older. Think about a time when somebody has lied to you and did you ever trust them again. It's really hard to rebuild trust. So when you don't tell the truth, it breaks that trust with somebody and it's very hard to have the happy relationships you're going to want. Let's unpack this and see what might be causing you to lie. Are you scared you're going to get in trouble? Are you trying to hide something? Really kind of get to the root cause of that. In the meantime, I think just love him. If he loves Burger King hamburgers, have one waiting for him at home when he gets home from school one day. Especially when you're in that season of kind of arguing with a child and it's kind of hard to love them, just those little acts of love, something that shows them you're on their team even if you're a little bit at odds, can go a long way.

Dr. Danny Huerta: Those are words of wisdom. Jolene, I hope you're receiving those. And also the compliments for you as a mom. You're asking the right questions for a 12-year-old son. The only things I would add, Jolene, and again, thanks for sending your question to us. We love interacting with you this way and trying to be as helpful as we can in your specific situation. The one thing that hasn't been talked about is you and your husband being on the same page.

For some reason, your husband doesn't see it the same way you do. Maybe it would be really good to start there, explain to him what your concerns are, why they're there. Don't be afraid to visit with a pastor or counselor, somebody that can help you guys communicate about this and why this is so important to address now. Because there truly are some things underneath the surface. What it tells me, just in working with boys the last couple decades, is that most likely there's a social issue that has happened. He has insecurity he's carrying and he can take those out on you. These behaviors show that there's an emotional insecurity that's happening.

For some reason, the youth minister is a trigger for him. It could be that the youth minister's well-liked or shows attention to other boys and not him. He is mad at that. Go to it with curiosity. Go into this with curiosity, with understanding that most likely the lying is out of fear of something, but also driven potentially from this social struggle he's got. It's going to take some exploration on your part, some firmness in correcting, but then saying, "Hey, son, I'm worried about you, I'm concerned about you. I know it's probably hard to say what's on your mind or what it is that you're feeling because it's just not natural for 12-year-olds to be able to articulate those well and with testosterone hitting up, it can make it hard to talk about what they're feeling and really make sense of it."

Behaviors many times are the replacement of words to emotions that are happening inside of a boy. But really at the core of this, you and your husband need to be on the same page and maybe there's something that your husband can bring relationally with your son at this point on the relational capital that they've built, where he can explore a little bit further what it is that's happening. That's where you guys can meet with someone and talk that through. Jolene, thank you for your question. You're asking the right questions, and I appreciate how you're being intentional with your son.

Rebecca St. James: Great wisdom there from both of you. We are really grateful, Jolene, for your thoughts and all that it sparked of wisdom for other parents. We're going to send you Danny's book, *Seven Traits of Effective Parenting*, to say thanks for participating in the show. If you are listening and you'd like some really great Christian counsel and a free book, all you have to do is send us your voicemail or email question. All the details for that are in the show notes.

Carrie, we can tell why your books and your speaking events are so popular. You've brought a lot to the show. We appreciate that. Thank you for being on Practice Makes Parent with us.

Carrie Kampakas: Thank you. I loved it. Thanks for having me.

Rebecca St. James: Here's our Crib to College update, everybody. This one should give parents a bit of pause. There was a survey done of thousands of students to see who held the most influence on their sexual decision-making. Parents, media, or their peers? Which one? 54% of teens ages 12 to 15 said it was their parents. Parents were also voted top influence for teens ages 16 to 19. That's very interesting, though the numbers shrank to 32%. It wasn't until college that friends became the primary source of advice. This same study revealed that parents weren't speaking about sexual issues with their children because they didn't believe that their kids were listening. So they are the top influencer up until college, but they're also most of them are not speaking about sexual issues.

Dr. Danny Huerta: I've seen some other studies where they're saying social media is kind of the top place where kids are learning about sexuality because it's anonymous. There's anonymity with that. With teenagers, this is an embarrassing topic to explore and think about. I can understand why they would go in there, but they get so misled. It's pornography starts to go up. There are a lot of young people struggling with that. So parents need to be intentional about this because they truly are still the top influence on this.

It's about beginning the conversation. A teenager's not just all of a sudden going to say, "Hey, can we just talk about sex, Mom and Dad?" They're not going to ask that. You have to start the awkwardness and way younger than teen years. Yes. Acknowledge that this is going to be kind of a weird to talk about, but we need to talk about this. We have a show coming up that is going to be talking about that—about how to talk to your kids about sex. This is so important to understand as parents. You're not done after the pre-teen years. Rather, you need to be more intentional and be okay with the possibility that you may get pushback, you may get some eye rolls. They may go, "Are you serious? We're going to talk about this?" and you can say, "Yeah, we kind of need to. This is such an important thing and I know social media is trying to get your attention on this topic and movies and your peers and others. I want to have a bit of say in this and guide you in it because it can throw you into some places that you didn't plan on being."

Rebecca St. James: I also think our attitude matters. If we're coming into it super nervous about this is going to be rough, I think that does influence our kids too. But if we're kind of relaxed about it and like, "Yeah, this is a part of life that God created and there is a way for it to flourish and be great within marriage, but we want to talk about it because this is an important thing to navigate with wisdom."

Dr. Danny Huerta: You can be in the car, you can be side by side, and it can be relaxed. You're totally right. Bringing that, if you go in fear-based, you'll probably lose influence. But if you come in with setting vision for this, "I want you to have the very best in this. I want you to have a wonderful sex life in your marriage someday," and you're setting vision for that—the kids will be, over time, they'll see you as a resource on the topic. Multiple conversations, it's not one and done. We talk about that on the show a lot.

How about you? Are you talking to your kids about sexuality? Don't let the eye rolls or the stiff arms fool you. Your kids want your discipleship, they want your teaching, they want your guidance. Because if you don't provide it, the world will. Someone, something or someone else will fill in the gap there. Talk about sex and sexuality as an expression of your Christian worldview, of this vision that God has created, a gift that He has created for a man and a woman to share together, to be co-creators with Him of a soul. There are some beautiful things you introduce your kids to, and this acts as the first line of defense against progressive sexuality that's been woven into our culture through movies, through television. Things are snuck in—these other worldviews on sexuality that are much more consumer-based rather than a love contributor base that is shown to us in scripture. Be sure you're having these intentional conversations with your kids.

Rebecca St. James: Absolutely. Next week, we'll be sharing a wonderful conversation to help prepare your family for the Lenten season. Dr. Alicia Scholey is going to talk about some very different kinds of fasts that will help everyone in your family build a stronger faith, stronger character, and self-esteem.

Dr. Danny Huerta: She has some incredibly innovative ideas for you, very practical ideas. You don't want to miss this conversation. As always, thanks for listening and telling your friends all about this show. I'm Dr. Danny Huerta.

Rebecca St. James: And I'm Rebecca St. James. Join us next week for more tips for transforming your parenting on Practice Makes Parent.

Aaron Smalley: Sprinkle some love into your marriage this month with the *Loving Well* podcast from Focus on the Family. I'm Aaron Smalley, and I host the podcast with my husband, Dr. Greg Smalley, and our good friend, John Fuller. We chat about how to put Christ at the center of your relationship, deepen your love, and have a marriage that truly thrives. Listen today at focusonthefamily.com/lovingwell or wherever you get your podcasts.