Practice Makes Parent

Guest (Male): Hey parents, for almost 40 years, Adventures in Odyssey has been helping kids like yours form relationships with Christ. Now, the animated Adventures in Odyssey film, Journey into the Impossible, will reach a new generation of families. But we need your help to finish the film and launch it in theaters. Your gift will be matched dollar-for-dollar before May 1st. See the trailer and donate today at focusonthefamily.com/impossible. That's focusonthefamily.com/impossible.

Rebecca St. James: Hi, and welcome to Practice Makes Parent, where we understand it's not about perfection, but about transformation. I'm Rebecca St. James, and this is going to be a fun and fast-paced episode, a little bit different than what we normally do.

We're doing a little Q&A, dedicating this whole show to answering some of the questions we've received recently. How fun is this?

Dr. Danny Huerta: It's fantastic. We ask you to send your questions every week to the show, and you do. Thank you for doing that. Rather than having you wait, we figured we'd answer as many questions as we could on this show.

To mix things up a little, we know that you need some cheesy dad jokes to mix in and to be able to use with your kids. Everyone needs more dad jokes. We've included those throughout this episode in between the questions and the answers.

Rebecca St. James: In our show notes, we have a place where you can very easily submit an email or voicemail question. I want to challenge anyone who hasn't sent in a question yet to send us your thoughts in a voicemail. If you mess up, you can just start again. There's so much grace around here at Focus on the Family. Don't be shy.

You can always remain anonymous, too. Just go to the show notes and you'll see how easy it is to jump right in. Yes, we are going to send you a copy of Danny's wonderful book, 7 Traits of Effective Parenting, to each and every person who gets their question answered today.

Dr. Danny Huerta: When I'm on the road, there are so many questions parents are asking. Here, we get to dive deep into some very important ones, so you don't want to miss this show. Something I want to read to you from Proverbs 16:16 says this: "How much better to get wisdom than gold, to get understanding is to be chosen rather than silver."

The idea of this is that we are seeking God's guidance on this show. He is the centerpiece to this. We want to bring glory to Him and we certainly seek His wisdom as we're doing our best to answer the questions you're sending us. If at some point we can't answer them, we want to tell you what resources you can use to find the answers to those questions. Thank you for trusting us and sending those our way. Valentine's Day just came and went. What more to show love than dive into these and have a community of parents loving one another as we do our best to guide our kids towards a thriving faith in Christ?

Rebecca St. James: Absolutely. Our first question is from Jessica, who asks, "I have a three-year-old son who can be so sweet, but can also be impulsive and physically aggressive towards his siblings, pushing and shoving and biting. I pray with him and talk to him about treating others with love, but he doesn't apologize until we tell him to, and he seems to have no remorse for his actions."

I have a five-year-old son who has done some of these things. There's a lot of this three-to-five-year-old window. You know it because you're so well-studied as Dr. Danny, and you've written a book on ages and stages. There's a physicality that is so present with boys period, but especially this age.

What I see with River right now is he's literally doing some of these things where he's pestering his sisters, especially his seven-year-old sister, just for the fun of it to get attention from her, hear the yelling, and chase her around. It’s like he has some boredom and he likes this reaction. I'm trying to help him to see that this is not a good way to get this attention. There's much more fun ways, River, that we can access this without hurting your sister or taking things from her and causing a problem within the household. I relate to what she's going through.

Dr. Danny Huerta: You're describing a boy needing stimulation from the environment. What was interesting about what you said, Jessica, is that he is sweet. In the common everyday, he is a sweet person. Be sure to be thinking about that. There's something about his relationship with his siblings that draws some of this out. Maybe it's he just can't communicate the big, strong emotions that he's getting on this. At three years old, it is so hard for that child to communicate their emotions and their needs. They go to a more physical way of expressing that.

We see a repeat of that in the teen years. We actually see similarities in that from 13 into the 15-16 year-old range, where they revert back to that. They're communicating by behaviors and communicating the deeper emotions through their behaviors just like they do during the toddler years. This gives you a first pass at this and understanding the function of what is pushing the button for that behavior. Then help him say, "Let's press rewind. Let's try that again. This time, it looks like you're wanting that toy or you're wanting attention."

Observe what it is he's trying to solve. Create the words for him. Say the words of what he is going to eventually need to say. As you do all this work now, know that it will help him when he is a teenager. As you're practicing and modeling asking for forgiveness and apologizing, the more frustrated you get, the more it becomes another battleground for him to win at.

You can ask him, "What do you think it feels like when you bite or when you push or when you shove? What does that feel like for the other person?" You're drawing out the sweetness. He has empathy because he's sweet. Drawing out some of that empathy and saying, "I wonder what your brother or your sister feels like when you push them or when you bite them? Do you think it hurts?"

Then he says, "Yeah, it hurts." You ask, "Are you wanting to hurt them?" Most of the time, kids will say no, but I want this. Now you're getting to teach him instead of constantly being in correction mode. Jessica, this is not an uncommon thing. You're not a bad parent. You're asking the very important questions. It seems to me that he has a side of him that is passionate about what he wants to get and has that part of his temperament. You're getting to shape that part of it. Draw out more of that sweetness as you observe it. Make sure you're complimenting him. It sounds like he probably is very kind to his peers in preschool or wherever he's at. Hang in there. This is a phase and an important phase for you to be leaning in and teaching him how to handle these things.

Rebecca St. James: Jessica, I also relate to you too because my son River is super sweet. I had a sense when I was pregnant with him that he was going to be sweet and strong. He would have both of those and I see it in him.

One thing that I've done if he's ever a bit angry with me or pushing back on something, I've had him put his hands on my face, my hands over his hands, and look me in the eyes. It is absolutely amazing to watch him melt. He sees his mommy and he's getting out of that angry, pushback moment. He's recognizing his love and in touch with those feelings of love for me. We can do that with siblings too. I think I might apply that to Imogen in some of his less-than-great interactions with her where he hugs her or he puts his hands on her face and says, "I'm sorry, Imogen." That physicality has really worked for me at this age.

Dr. Danny Huerta: You're regulating that. That is so good. As you try that, I also want to throw one last thing. We've talked about the marble jar. This is a perfect example of where you can use that marble jar where you're setting a goal for him that is difficult for him. You have one empty jar, the other one is full of marbles or cotton balls or paper clips, whatever you have.

When you see him or when you guys practice him doing it correctly and communicating what is really going on inside, you move those marbles from the full one to the empty one. As you fill it to a certain level, that's when you do special things together. Maybe you go to the park, or you play a certain game that only comes out when the marbles hit that line. Or if the whole jar is filled up, that's maybe when you guys go out for a special meal together as a family. Just celebrate that he is working hard on that. The whole family can work on things together with him so he sees this is something all of us are working on.

Rebecca St. James: He can see it in a physical way, too. Even hearing the marbles in the jar, there's something really fun about that for kids, especially for boys. All right, you got this amazing dad joke for us?

Dr. Danny Huerta: What do you call a hen who counts her own eggs before they're hatched? A mathemachicken.

Rebecca St. James: That definitely is a dad joke. Mathemachicken. Here's another question from Becca. "Our six-year-old child has separation anxiety, especially with me. As I've tried to drop her off at school, she cries, tries to run out of the building, and basically does anything to not get left behind. Do you have any advice? When I talk to her before dropping her off, it just increases her anxiety and makes it worse. What can the teachers at her school do, and is there anything that her older siblings can say to help? Is this emotional trauma or just a drama queen who is overreacting? If this behavior continues, when should I look into counseling for her?"

Dr. Danny Huerta: This is pretty common for young children, especially just starting kindergarten. This is something that kindergarten teachers come to expect over the years. This is going to happen. It takes some time for certain children to adjust. They're having to adapt. There's a misperception. It's not either that she's a drama queen or there's emotional trauma potentially. It's really about her misperception.

Part of her believes that she can't face the world without you, Mom. She feels that it's a scary world and when a child enters that scary world, they want something to help them feel like it's going to be okay because they haven't learned how to navigate something without a parent or somebody familiar with them. It is a very scary moment. Acknowledge that and then say, "I've got something that maybe you can hold onto while you're at school today."

Maybe you give them something from the house that's yours and you say, "I'm going to come back and pick that up. You're going to take care of that today." You're giving them a little job and they may be throwing a tantrum like, "No, don't leave!" That can be embarrassing for you as a parent as other people are watching on. It can be very frustrating. As you are regulated and just gently expecting that this may happen for a little while, as you are providing guidance and also that love that this is going to happen, but with warmth you're pushing them, you're going to see over time that they're going to be okay.

For some parents in extreme cases, they'll go away for an hour, then come back that day and say, "I'm here," and show that reassurance that they're coming back. Then they go to two hours the next day and say, "I'm coming back." In kindergarten sometimes you have half-day, but most of the time now it's full day. Then you spread it out over the two-week period where you're coming a little bit later and you're just saying, "And it may dysregulate a bit of the classroom in those two weeks." Kindergarten teachers are fine with that if it's extreme.

This is the extreme one where the child is just freaking out. You're coming back and you're checking in and you're saying, "Do you have my thing? Here's my next thing." Usually, those things are done within two weeks. They start connecting with other friends. They go, "Hey Mom, you know... Oh yeah, I'll see you," because they know they are coming back. That first day for a child that is in the extreme side of separation anxiety, if you go full day, they may fight it even harder the next day because it was so dysregulating to them and they're scared to do that all over again. If you know your child struggles with this going into kindergarten at a very extreme level, know that you need to plan ahead for that and begin to practice that separation.

Becca, I know that there's a safety thing here where she tries to run out of the building. That one you're going to need to plan ahead for that and make sure somebody's blocking that. Really, kids in this type of situation, if you give them something special that they know you're coming back for, most of the time they're good with that. Then you talk about something you're going to look forward to when you get them. You say, "We're going to get some ice cream together, or we're going to go to the park when I pick you up," and you're already helping them anticipate the next. You're letting them know that's already planned, we're going to be doing that.

For some kids, they've taken pictures with them to have on their desk. They've gotten to take a favorite stuffy with them if they want to do that at the beginning. There's a desire for safety and reassurance that things are going to be okay and it requires your patience. I know this is triggering and that's what makes it so hard because there's a misperception that something's unsafe.

Rebecca St. James: Speak to the mom that is particularly anxious herself about that situation. Every single day, she's gearing up, dreading that moment because she knows it's going to be a scene. It feels embarrassing. She feels weird about all of it, doesn't know what to do. She's anxious, which then I know from my parenting, my kids pick up on my anxiousness. Imogen, my middle, she can look at my face and go, "Mommy, what are you worried about?" I didn't even realize I was worried about something and she was right. What do you say to that parent who wants to be compassionate and then also wants to have this composure of like, "You're going to be great!" What's an ideal response?

Dr. Danny Huerta: It's an important developmental milestone for your child. If you can think about that, even though there's crying, that this is an important moment for them to be able to see that there's life beyond the home. That does allow compassion for that. As a parent, the anxiety usually is, "Am I ruining my child? My child's crying, my child's upset, me dropping them off and just leaving, am I creating damage for our relationship, mistrust?" No, what you're creating is this new perception that the child is going to need to build and that is the world is going to be okay, this is going to be okay, my parent's going to come back, there is a secure attachment.

For you as a parent, talk to some other parents that have dropped their kids off and get some encouragement there and also some advice from them. Listen to the community of parents around you and maybe have a plan to go for coffee with a close friend after you drop them off so they can be with you in those emotions and thoughts and even maybe pray with you.

As a parent, know that these different milestones for kids as they learn to take the risk of not being with their mom and dad is so important for them. It’s for resilience, but also to pursue what God has called them to do and to be. That is, "I'm going to do life separate from my mom and dad someday," and that is one of the biggest risks that our kids take when they're 18-19 and we're preparing them for that, but still having that relationship and that warmth with them. You can look at your child in their eyes and say, "Man, I know this is tough and man, you got this. We're going to have fun. This is going to be a great year."

The more you show the excitement and the anticipation, the more they start going, "Oh, am I missing something?" You're triggering more of that fear of missing out that is just natural for us and then they start to look with curiosity. You could say, "Hey, make sure you look for somebody wearing blue today. Tell me all about that." You're helping them shift their attention to something else.

With some of the kids that get locked in, if you have a really cool fact for your six-year-old, something they're totally into, bring that fact each time and go, "Hey, I have another one when we come back." When the emotions are hitting, you are bringing a fact that brings more of their thinking brain to help them regulate. That's a fun one to see especially for the kids that are more of that thinker type, that are more the researcher type. That temperament tends to be a little more anxious. What you're bringing is a regulation of their thinking brain by bringing some facts about something they're interested in and it shifts or distracts their attention from all the emotions and then you go, "Hey, let's explore more of these facts." Hopefully, this was helpful to you, Becca. I know it's tough, it can be very tiring and it can be overwhelming when you're hitting this. Just know that it's a phase and just find that community of parents to continue to encourage you as well as you're going through this together.

Rebecca St. James: All right, you got another golden dad joke for us?

Dr. Danny Huerta: What do you call a moose with no name? Anananomousse.

Rebecca St. James: Definitely a dad joke. Moving on, our next question comes from Annette, who writes, "I'm helping my son through a divorce by taking care of his daughters after school. I'd like to ask about how a grandparent should discipline. I also need your advice on how to not say negative things about their mother. She is selfish and I see a lot of their mother in them." I so appreciate Annette's honesty in this and vulnerability. These are some big questions.

Dr. Danny Huerta: In this one, how a grandparent should discipline, it depends on so many different factors: your relationship with the grandkids, your relationship with your kids, the agreement between you and your kids as to if you're one of the disciplinarians there, and then also lining up with the values and the rules that the parents have set in place and making sure you're aware of those and not working against them. That's where it can get tricky because you may not agree at all with the rules that the parents have set up. In that, you want to talk about that before working against them because then you confuse the child.

In this case, with a divorce, there's going to potentially be even more confusing things for the kids. It really is difficult not to say negative things about the mom, and especially if discipline's different, you're trying to fix things. Be sure you're doing that out in the open with your son in this case, talking to him about, "Are you good with me helping discipline? What are some of the priorities you have? Here are some of the thoughts I have where I would love to help in correction. What are your thoughts?"

There isn't anything wrong with grandparents helping with correction as long as they're not working against the parents and also as long as that's not all they're doing and it's all about correction. There needs to be a relational component that is brought by the grandparents and especially in a time of upheaval. When there's divorce, behaviors come out and you may end up spending your whole time disciplining and not really dealing with the deeper emotions of angst and fear that the kids are experiencing and not being a safe place even maybe for that child that they're needing, a cushion.

Grandparents are so good at saying, "Hey, what's going on? Let me spoil you for a little while." That warmth and the care from a grandparent, that heart that is so tender, provides a sense of safety. You're wanting to encourage a good relationship with their mom. Unless she's doing drugs and making some awful decisions lifewise, if it's simply there was a divorce, there's this mom, she has different opinions, you want them, you want to still encourage them to have a good relationship there so you don't become the villain yourself as a grandparent and all of a sudden you become the scapegoat and they just get angry at you and never want to do anything with you because they still have empathy, they still have love for their mom. And loyalty probably generally even if the parent hasn't been very good to them. There's this innate loyalty right to a parent.

Naturally we do. You want to encourage selflessness with your kids and that is that you are willing to set some things aside and still love this other person even when maybe they're not a lovable person. You're truly showing love and you're modeling that and as you do so, they'll respect that over time. They'll get to see the things that maybe their mom is doing and let them manage that instead of you needing to bring those things up. Ask the questions they need to be hearing to have moments of self-reflection and maybe saying, "What are some of the things that you're struggling with with this whole divorce thing? Or what have you noticed is different between your mom's house and your dad's house and does that get really confusing and frustrating to you?" What you're doing is allowing for them to share some of those deeper feelings and you're bringing those out. You can be the grandma question asker or the grandpa question asker that helps draw out some of the things that maybe they are having a hard time articulating.

A big one that you brought up, Annette, is the selfishness you're seeing in kids. Kids are naturally selfish. If this is a trigger for you, you'll constantly be correcting that. A lot of times, selfishness in the divorce situation is them trying to just... they feel like the environment's not going to take care of them, so they're trying to take care of themselves. The more you reassure them, "Hey, I can see that you're really wanting to protect yourself," help them see the difference when they are being generous what that can feel like. Give them opportunities, maybe you can plan some opportunities to volunteer, to serve somewhere, to do some fun activities that way that's beyond them. As they experience more of that, they'll look forward to having those moments with you. They'll remember those and you're helping them know that they don't have to just self-protect, that they can be freely giving and still be okay.

Rebecca St. James: So much gold in there. Well done. I love that. All right, you got one more dad joke for us?

Dr. Danny Huerta: What's the problem with a nosy pepper? It gets jalapeno business.

Rebecca St. James: It gets jalapeno business. That is actually really good. Use that one with your kids. "I'm jalapeno business." Our last question comes from a dad who wants to remain ananomousse. I like how that came back around.

"One of the men in my Bible study mentioned that he feels the kids of this generation are coddled too much when they fail or make mistakes. Another man chimed in that if we don't empathize and have compassion when our kids fail, then we're emphasizing perfectionism. It was a debate that went round and round. So what's your take? When a kid fails at anything they try, should we say, 'It's okay, you'll get it next time,' or ask them something like, 'What could you have done better?' Can you give examples of how to talk to an eight-year-old versus talking to a 15-year-old?"

My small little take on this is that I think it's probably a little bit of both. Kids want to rise to your expectation. If you, in an honoring way of their gifting and of their ability and of their character, say, "I believe in you that you can rise to this occasion," they often want to rise to that. If it's a nourishing, warm, supportive home, I also think there has to be that grace of going, "My love for you is not based on performance. It's not about how good you do at any of these things. There's so much grace. We're all going to fail, we're all going to learn." To me, I think there's a little bit of both that's needed. "I believe in you, I'm championing your pursuit of excellence, but there's also grace."

Dr. Danny Huerta: It is a mix of both and it can get tricky depending on your temperament and your relationship with your child. If you bring, "It's okay, you'll get it next time," and it feels soft, and then you say, "What could you have done better?" it can create for a child just a laissez-faire attitude. But if it's a relationship where you come in and you say, "Man, you did great in this or this. I saw you try really hard here. It's all right, you'll get it next time. What do you think you could have done a little bit better or maybe next time, what do you think you need to learn to have an even better time next time?"

What you're showing is that opportunity for growth. For an eight-year-old, just know that naturally for eight-year-old boys and girls, there's more negativity that begins to hit the brain. There's more comparison that starts to hit the brain. They start to know that other children have opinions about them and that if they fail, maybe there's something wrong with them or something bad about them. You want to go to the deeper place with that and say, "So that one didn't go as well as you thought it was going to go. How did that rattle you? What's going on inside as you're trying to make sense of that?"

What you're trying to create is a self-awareness for your child and also a self-motivation. It's not about coddling and making them feel good about things. What you're trying to do is help them learn how to self-reflect. For an eight-year-old, saying, "Hey, so what do you think? I know you're already kind of beating yourself up and so I'm not going to play in that with you. What can you learn from that, from what just happened? Know that I'm proud of you, you tried really hard on this and this and this." You're observing it very specifically. They get into that and they begin to learn how to handle this critical voice that is starting to come in their brain.

A 15-year-old, they're wanting this sense of belonging, they're wanting a sense of worth, of competence. They want to know, "I am good at this and I want to know I'm good at it." When you start saying they're good at everything, they stop believing you. It doesn't ring true because no one is good at everything. But they want even more specifics. Were you actually watching? If you're good at, let's say on the basketball thing, I love basketball and my son is playing basketball. If I say, "I noticed that defensive play, that was fantastic. What do you think you could do better the next game because each game is building on itself and you're still practicing? Even pros are practicing, they have bad games, good games. What do you think? How do you think it went?"

They take self-reflection. "I don't think I did good here, there." You say, "Yeah, I agree with you. What do you think you need to do? Can I help?" What you're showing is that it's not helping build your self-confidence as a parent, that if you perform well then I'm going to feel better about myself. 15-year-olds pick up on that very quickly. You're also letting them know specifically, "I was watching, I paid attention." They respect the people that know about that sport or about the music or whatever it is. If it's academics and they were doing a poem or speech and you just tell them, "Good job," or, "I don't think you did that well there," if they don't have respect for you or don't have relationship, they just tune it out.

Be sure in this case the important base to this is you're having relationship with him in other conversations. Then on top of that, you're noticing specifically what it is that you would say that they did well and then asking them questions that create self-reflection and then self-motivation. That is, "What do you think you're going to do better next time or what are you going to do differently? It doesn't even have to be better. It's what are you going to do differently to get the result that you're hoping for as you're doing whatever you were doing?" You'll see 15-year-olds begin to do that template on their own. That's where you're wanting to create. They begin to think about what are some of the things I did well, how can I continue to grow?

At 15, there's a potential to lock into a fixed mindset that "I have to be good at something and if I'm not, there's something wrong with me." What you're creating is a growth mindset that all of life is about growing and learning and growing and learning and growing and learning and it doesn't stop. That's okay, that's part of how life goes and you enjoy the journey.

Rebecca St. James: We love your questions. Thank you so much for sending them in and that's what I particularly love about this show, how practical it is. There's always something to take away for me in the midst of my parenting and I'm so grateful for that. We're not just monologuing here, we're dialoguing with our listeners. You are a part of our podcast family and we're so grateful for you. If you would like to share a review or ask a question, you can just click on the show notes to find out info of how you can do that.

Dr. Danny Huerta: As always, if you'd like to talk with one of our licensed counselors here at Focus on the Family, they are ready to talk to you. You can call 1-800-A-FAMILY. The number will be in the show notes as well, 1-800-232-6459. They'll call you back and you'll spend 20, 30, 40 minutes on a consultation call. They're ready to listen and give you some very practical guidance. They'll even give you some referrals to counselors in your area. That's found by city or zip code and you can also find that on our website and they'll direct you to that. We're so glad that you're listening. I'm Dr. Danny Huerta.

Rebecca St. James: And I'm Rebecca St. James. Join us next week for more tips for transforming your parenting on Practice Makes Parent.

Guest (Male): Live your truth. A lot of people say that, don't they? But truth isn't something we decide. God has decided it for us. It's our job as believers to share His truth with a world in need. I'll encourage you to do that through my podcast, Refocus with Jim Daly. I visit with fascinating guests about important topics like gender confusion, cancel culture, and more, while helping you share God's love with others. Listen at refocuswithjimdaly.com. That's refocuswithjimdaly.com.