Paws & Tales

Ned: Hey, Stacy! Read this really quick for me.

Stacy: Where's Dave?

Ned: Oh, he's busy. So read this really quick. Roll, Joel!

Stacy: Hey everyone, Stacy here from Paws & Tales. I'm here to tell you about how fun it is to work with Ned while recording Paws & Tales. Oh, what is this?

Ned: It's a commercial spot, a new one! Keep going, quick!

Stacy: It is such an honor to work with a pro like Ned because of—this seems less about Paws & Tales and more about you.

Ned: It's a new direction we're trying.

Stacy: I love to be a part of Paws & Tales because we tell families about how much God loves them, and who does not need to be reminded about that?

Ned: What? That's not on the script!

Dave Carl: Hey guys, sorry I'm late. Here are the scripts.

Stacy: Oh, Ned's been writing some copies of his own. Pretty interesting.

Ned: The moment is passed! It won't work now. Never mind, Dave. Never mind. Stop tape.

Guest (Male): Never started, Ned.

Ned: I can't work like this!

Insight for Living: Welcome to the world of Paws & Tales. Wild Mountain can be a pretty dangerous place. If you stay on the trails and stick with me, there's adventures to be had there too.

Howdy and welcome to Wildwood. There are few things as well as inspiring as an ocean breeze. Looking out over the Bay of Tranquility, you can see ships of all sizes, sails billowing in the breeze. There's fishermen bringing in their catch with seagulls swarming overhead.

It's both adventurous and peaceful all at the same time, which is just what CJ Brown needs right now. It seems our favorite bear cub had yet another run-in with the local bully, Hugh McClow. In fact, it's the third one this week.

As usual, CJ didn't get the best of the scrap, but he did get a note from Miss Harbor to take home to his folks, the contents of which he's been thinking on for the past hour or so while lying in a small boat. Why all the thinking? One word.

CJ Brown: Expelled. I can't believe I've been expelled for a week. What am I going to do?

Jeremiah: CJ!

CJ Brown: Jeremiah, you scared me to death!

Jeremiah: Sorry. I heard you talking. You okay?

CJ Brown: What do you think?

Jeremiah: Hey, if it makes you feel any better, all the kids are behind you. Even though you were losing.

CJ Brown: Oh, that helps. It was all Hugh's fault. We both got expelled. It's not fair.

Jeremiah: Hey, you broke the no-fighting rule.

CJ Brown: It's a dumb rule. I was standing up for what I thought was right, and I get the same punishment as the bad guy. What kind of a screwy rule is that?

Jeremiah: I don't know. A rule is a rule.

CJ Brown: Yeah, well, I hate them. No fighting. Clean your room. Take out the trash. No tying your cousin upside down to a tree and throwing eggs at his head.

Jeremiah: You need a rule for that?

CJ Brown: My point is, I'm sick of the rules. I wish I could go someplace where there aren't any and where kids don't get expelled from school.

Jeremiah: So what are you going to do?

CJ Brown: I don't know. Can't go home, that's for sure. My folks will kill me for getting expelled.

Jeremiah: You could stow away. Hop on a ship. Take off on a great adventure. You could jump on my dad's ship when he gets home tomorrow.

CJ Brown: Tomorrow's too late. My dad's on that ship coming back from a business trip. That could be a bit awkward. "Hi, Dad, running away. Could you help me with my trunk?"

Jeremiah: Okay then, a different ship. There's only a ton of them in the bay. Just pick one.

CJ Brown: Guess I could, but I don't have any money.

Jeremiah: You don't need money when you stow away. That's why it's called stowing away. You're hiding. And if you ever want to come back, you just catch another ship home. I knew one kid who went all the way to Fiji and back.

CJ Brown: Who?

Jeremiah: VJ Wiki.

CJ Brown: He was from Fiji.

Jeremiah: Which doesn't change the fact that he went there and back.

CJ Brown: I'm not going to have to worry about coming back. If I don't come back, I won't have to give the note to my folks and they won't be mad and punish me.

Jeremiah: You mean you're going to do it?

CJ Brown: I'm going to do it.

Jeremiah: You're stowing away?

CJ Brown: I'm stowing away. Out on the high seas with nowhere to run or hide and death surrounding you in a thousand different ways, 24 hours a day. I'm stowing away. Wow. Well, I guess this is it then, huh?

Jeremiah: Guess so. I'll miss you, CJ.

CJ Brown: Me too. Jeremiah, tell everybody I said goodbye.

Jeremiah: Consider it done. Oh, okay.

Jeremiah: You're not going, are you?

CJ Brown: No. I'll just lay here till I work up enough courage to go home and get punished.

Jeremiah: See you around, CJ.

CJ Brown: Not for about a week you won't.

Insight for Living: CJ pulled a tarp in the boat over his head so he wouldn't be disturbed again. And before long, the lapping of the waves and the gentle rocking of the rowboat lulled that cub right to sleep.

Two things woke CJ. First, he realized that the boat wasn't just rocking anymore, it was moving forward. And second, he heard voices, voices he hadn't heard before. He decided to listen for a while before letting them know he was there. As it turned out, he was both glad and sorry that he did.

Hadi: Hey, hurry up! We're running late and the captain is going to be furious.

Guest (Male): Don't use that tone with me. I'm not the one who stopped for the black licorice.

Hadi: You have a problem with licorice?

Guest (Male): You mean besides your jumping and chewing and smacking? It's truly disgusting.

Hadi: Oh, very disgusting! Well, fine. Then no licorice for you.

Guest (Male): Oh, none?

Hadi: Just keep going. What's so amusing, huh?

Guest (Male): The foolish people in that town, being so nice and polite and never suspecting who we really are. I wonder what they would have done if they had known we are pirates.

Hadi: Wait, I heard a noise.

Guest (Male): I can't help it. I'm hungry.

Hadi: No, not your stomach, idiot. Down there.

CJ Brown: No! Please don't hurt me!

Hadi: A stowaway! Who are you?

CJ Brown: My name is CJ. Are you guys really pirates?

Hadi: Only the meanest pirates you'll ever see! Can I have one licorice, little one?

Guest (Male): I'm trying to make a point here. Oh, over the side with him!

CJ Brown: Wait, please don't!

Hadi: Give me one good reason why.

CJ Brown: Because I want to be a pirate too!

Grace: Hi, I'm Grace from Massachusetts. My favorite Paws & Tales character is Goose because she is so funny. Wait till you hear what happens on today's episode.

Stacy: Hey everyone, Stacy here from Paws & Tales. We've had kids from all over the country send in their announcer recordings and they are heard every day on the program. But we haven't heard one from you.

Just head on over to pawsandtales.org and pop into the clubhouse to get one of the announcer scripts. Record yourself on your parent's phone and send it in to us so we can get your voice heard around the world. That's pawsandtales.org. This is so exciting!

Hadi: So you want to be a pirate, huh?

CJ Brown: Yes, I do.

Hadi: A little goody-two-shores mama's boy like you can't be a pirate.

CJ Brown: Can too! I'm tired of being good. Give me a chance and I can be as bad as anyone.

Guest (Male): I still say over the side with him.

Hadi: I don't know. He has spunk. He reminds me of me when I was young.

Guest (Male): You were a whiny, sniveling coward when you were young.

Hadi: He reminds me of what I wanted to be when I was young, okay? Let's take him to see the captain.

CJ Brown: Yeah, that's it! The captain!

Hadi: Don't be so smart. The captain will decide whether you can be a pirate or walk the plank. Hey, where's my licorice? Did you eat my licorice? What did you do with my licorice? You stinking pirate!

Insight for Living: Once the boat reached the pirate ship, CJ was dragged aboard and plopped down smack in front of the captain, a wily old sea dog by the name of Francis Tinstane.

Captain Tinstane: So you want to be a pirate, huh?

CJ Brown: Yes, sir. Roaming the high seas, wind at our back, plundering, pillaging, and looting. No rules, just doing as we please.

Captain Tinstane: I'm sorry. Did you just say no rules?

CJ Brown: Right. Just plundering, pillaging, and looting, doing as we please.

Captain Tinstane: Excuse me. Where did you ever get the idea that we have no rules?

CJ Brown: Well, you're pirates.

Captain Tinstane: Well, yes, but that doesn't mean we're not civilized.

CJ Brown: But don't you plunder, pillage, and loot?

Captain Tinstane: Oh, certainly! And quite well, I might add. But we couldn't do it without discipline, and discipline means rules.

CJ Brown: What kind of rules?

Captain Tinstane: Ah, the ones here in the Pirate's Book of Rules and By-Laws.

CJ Brown: That's the biggest book I've ever seen.

Captain Tinstane: Well, it's the code by which we live our lives. Everyone on board must follow every rule, and if it's not in here, we don't do it.

CJ Brown: You mean this book is full of nothing but rules for pirates?

Captain Tinstane: Oh, heavens no! Only the first 800 pages. The last 900 are by-laws.

CJ Brown: What's a by-law?

Captain Tinstane: Well, I'd say it's a bit sort of a—Mr. Blisston?

Mr. Blisston: Yes, sir!

Captain Tinstane: What exactly is a by-law?

Mr. Blisston: Well, sir, it's pretty much a rule.

Captain Tinstane: It's a rule, my boy.

CJ Brown: I wanted to be a pirate to get away from rules.

Captain Tinstane: Oh, then you don't want to be a pirate?

CJ Brown: Not if it means I've got to learn all that.

Captain Tinstane: Oh dear, this is a bit of a sticky wicket. Well, let's see what the book says, shall we? Let's see. What to do with someone who says he wants to be a pirate and then changes his mind? Ah, yes, here it is. Rule 597: Such a person shall be fed to the piranha. Mr. Cohen!

Mr. Cohen: Piranha!

Captain Tinstane: Rule's a rule, old boy. Did you call, mon capitaine? Ah, yes. Please take this young man and throw him to the piranha.

Mr. Cohen: There would nothing give me more pleasure, mon capitaine. But the Bay of Tranquility has no piranha.

Captain Tinstane: Oh, drat. Well, back to the book then. No piranha, no piranha. Aha! Rule 598: In the event there are no piranha, the victim must be placed into a very small box, which shall then be wrapped in chains, dropped overboard, and dragged behind the ship until such time as piranha are available. Right then! A box, Mr. Cohen.

Mr. Cohen: Oui, mon capitaine.

CJ Brown: I can't believe it! I just wanted to be a pirate so I wouldn't have to tell my folks I got expelled from school.

Captain Tinstane: Ah, then you're running away?

CJ Brown: Well, yeah.

Captain Tinstane: Well, why didn't you say so? Most of us are here because we're running away.

CJ Brown: Even you?

Captain Tinstane: Oh, certainly. Of course, in my case, I'm running from long prison sentences. But an expulsion is almost the same thing.

CJ Brown: Then I can be a pirate?

Captain Tinstane: Oh, I should think so.

CJ Brown: Great!

Captain Tinstane: Let's see what the book says. Here we are. Rule 852: What to do with someone who says he wants to be a pirate and then says he doesn't want to be a pirate and then says he wants to be a pirate so he won't have to tell his folks he got expelled from school?

CJ Brown: This is one specific rulebook.

Captain Tinstane: He must polish the boots of every man on board.

CJ Brown: That's not so bad. I can do that.

Captain Tinstane: I expect to see those boots shine like the noonday sun!

Insight for Living: CJ got to work immediately polishing the boots, or rather trying to.

CJ Brown: Will you stand still for just one minute?

Guest (Male): Sorry! Rule 1,056 says I must keep these ropes lashed down tight all the time, and I can't do that standing still.

CJ Brown: Can't you take off your boots so I can polish them?

Guest (Male): Oh, no, no, no! Rule 112: A pirate must wear boots at all times. Splinters can be a nasty business.

CJ Brown: Don't you ever get tired of obeying all these rules?

Guest (Male): Rule 503: Any pirate who gets tired of obeying the rules shall have his tongue nailed to the mast and his pants filled with scalding hot mush.

CJ Brown: So that would be a no.

Insight for Living: By 10 o'clock that night, CJ had managed to finish polishing only a few of the boots on board. He was exhausted and famished.

CJ Brown: I can't stand it anymore. I've got to get something to eat. Excuse me, sir. Are you the cook?

Pirate Cook: That's me.

CJ Brown: Sir, all I've had to eat since lunch is some licorice. I'm so hungry.

Pirate Cook: Have you finished your polishing?

CJ Brown: No, but at this rate, I'll starve before I'm through.

Pirate Cook: Rule 283: No one on board is allowed to die of starvation. Food poisoning, maybe, but starvation, never. Have a seat.

CJ Brown: Thanks.

Pirate Cook: And there it be. Scalding hot mush! And plenty of it. No one's disobeyed any rules today, so far. So eat hearty and then get back to polishing.

CJ Brown: Guess it's better than nothing. I guess my mom knows I'm not coming home by now. She's probably pretty lonely. Oh well, she'll have Dad with her tomorrow. Hey, you complaining about the food?

Pirate Cook: No.

CJ Brown: The pirate's life is definitely not as fun as I thought it'd be.

Pirate Cook: Not as fun? Are you daft? Being a pirate is not intended to be a jolly old time, you insufferable cub! We are every one of us here because we have to be.

We're all criminals and cheats, liars and thieves. And if we could go home, don't you think we would? But we've got no one to miss us and no one to greet us if we got there.

CJ Brown: But I'm not a criminal. I just didn't want to be punished.

Pirate Cook: Oh, the irony.

CJ Brown: Excuse me?

Pirate Cook: You were going to be punished for your own good by people who love you. Here you will, and believe me you will, be punished by those who would just as soon toss you overboard to the sharks! Hey, you can eat that food or wear it. Remember the rule! Eating!

Insight for Living: An exhausted CJ managed to choke down a few bites of mush before his eyelids got so heavy they nearly closed with a thud. His head slowly sank to the table as he drifted off to sleep. As the sun rose the next morning, CJ woke to the sound of a battle cry.

Captain Tinstane: All hands on deck! All hands on deck!

CJ Brown: What's all the fuss about?

Hadi: The captain's spotted another ship. Come on, boy, you don't want to miss this!

Insight for Living: CJ joined in with the bustling pirates and made his way to the top deck where Captain Tinstane was barking out orders.

Captain Tinstane: Limber the guns! Navigator, closer to the wind! Hoist the skull and crossbones! Prepare to fire cannons!

CJ Brown: This is great! I'm part of a real-life pirate raid. Where's the ship we're attacking?

Captain Tinstane: There she is, boy! Off the port bow.

CJ Brown: Wait a second. I know that ship. That's Captain Reginald's boat. And that means—

Captain Tinstane: I want no prisoners and no survivors! Fire cannons on my command!

CJ Brown: Captain Tinstane, wait! My father's on that ship!

Greylan: Hi, I'm Greylan from Massachusetts. Don't go away, there's more Paws & Tales coming right up.

Dave Carl: Hey there everyone, Dave Carl here. We want to put your kid on an episode of Paws & Tales saying something like this: "Hi, I'm Henry from North Carolina. If I could spend the day with CJ, I'd want to build a treehouse together."

Now, we have some suggested scripts for you waiting just inside the clubhouse. We can't wait to hear what you all come up with. Record them, send them in, and we'll broadcast them to the world!

Guest (Male): Cannons ready, capitaine!

CJ Brown: No, wait, Captain!

Captain Tinstane: What is it? I'm rather busy here.

CJ Brown: You can't fire at that ship. It's a friendly ship. I know it! It belongs to Captain Reginald, my friend's father, and my dad is aboard it too!

Captain Tinstane: What's your point?

CJ Brown: Captain, they're good people. They never hurt you. They never hurt anybody!

Captain Tinstane: Again I ask, what's your point?

CJ Brown: Why are you doing this?

Captain Tinstane: Hello! We're pirates. Pirates! We attack ships on the open main. Remember? Roaming the high seas, wind at our back, plundering, pillaging, looting. Those are your words, not mine.

CJ Brown: I didn't think that meant attacking friendly ships.

Captain Tinstane: Who did you think we attack?

CJ Brown: So you're willing to fire on innocent people just to steal a little money from their boat before it sinks?

Captain Tinstane: I'd say that about sums it up, yes. Now, if you'll excuse me. Mr. Blisston, take this cub away, please!

CJ Brown: No, you can't! Please!

Captain Tinstane: CJ, it's what pirates do.

CJ Brown: Yeah, I know, because it's in your rulebook.

Captain Tinstane: Rulebook?

CJ Brown: It is in your rulebook, isn't it?

Captain Tinstane: Well, I can't say as it's actually—

CJ Brown: It's not! It's not in your rulebook!

Captain Tinstane: Well, not specifically, but it is in the spirit of—

Hadi: All this time, it's not been in the book?

CJ Brown: Then you can't do it!

Guest (Male): He's been telling us that for years! If it's not in the book, well then—

CJ Brown: You said so yourself! You said the rulebook is your code and that everyone has to follow every rule! And if it's not in the book, you don't do it!

Guest (Male): Is that true? You did say that, Captain!

Captain Tinstane: This is ridiculous! We're pirates! We have to attack!

CJ Brown: It's not in the rulebook!

Guest (Male): And if it's not in the rulebook, then we shouldn't do it! That's right! We must obey the rulebook!

Captain Tinstane: Oh, forget the silly rulebook! He threw the rulebook overboard!

Captain Tinstane: You don't need it anymore! I'm making the rules, and I say we're attacking that ship!

Guest (Male): We're not following your rules! Without that book, you are not the captain! You are just a stuffy British man in a silly hat!

Captain Tinstane: Silly? Silly? Mr. Blisston, throw this man in the brig!

Mr. Blisston: And what rule would that be, sir? You threw our book overboard, so now we throw you overboard!

Captain Tinstane: No, wait! This is mutiny! Don't! Help! I am your captain!

Guest (Male): Wait! Now who will be our captain? I know! CJ!

Guest (Male): He stood up to the rule-breaking captain! Hurray for Captain CJ!

CJ Brown: Me? Now wait a minute!

Guest (Male): CJ! CJ! CJ!

CJ Brown: Great. Did you hear that? It sounded like an explosion.

Guest (Male): Oui, and there is the whistle of a shell. And it's getting louder!

CJ Brown: Captain Reginald fired on us!

Guest (Male): The shell landed in the powder room! All hands overboard!

CJ Brown: Help! Help! Please! Help!

Papa Chuck: CJ! CJ! Wake up! CJ! CJ!

CJ Brown: What? What? Papa Chuck? Where am I?

Papa Chuck: You're in a rowboat. I came down here to get some oysters and heard you struggling with the tarp.

CJ Brown: Is it still Friday?

Papa Chuck: Yeah. What are you doing here so late? It's almost 5.

CJ Brown: I just had the strangest dream.

Papa Chuck: Sure sounded like it. Come on. You can tell me about it on the way home.

Insight for Living: CJ told Papa Chuck everything, from the note home to the expulsion to the crazy dream about the pirates.

Papa Chuck: Sounds like you kind of had a Jonah experience.

CJ Brown: Jonah? Jonah and the fish?

Papa Chuck: I knew you were paying attention. Remember what happened in the story?

CJ Brown: Well, God told Jonah to do something he didn't want to do, and Jonah disobeyed God and ran away. I guess it does sort of sound like me, except mine was a dream and Jonah didn't get put on restriction.

Papa Chuck: Learn anything?

CJ Brown: Well, you shouldn't disobey the rules and running away doesn't solve your problem. It only makes it worse.

Papa Chuck: Excellent. There's one more. Rules aren't just there to tell us what we can and can't do. They're also there to protect us, even help.

CJ Brown: I guess that's kind of obvious, huh?

Papa Chuck: Well, not really. Some people never look at rules that way, especially God's rules. That's one reason why they go off on their own. It's a good thing to learn while you're young, CJ. Hope it stays with you.

CJ Brown: Oh, I think it will.

Insight for Living: Well, CJ did get grounded for a whole month on account of getting expelled. But after having that dream, he didn't mind quite so much.

He never again ran away from his problems, and he tried very hard not to break any rules again until the day came when he realized he had to break them. But that's another story.

Guest (Male): Come on, lads, get up on the deck! Bring a whalebone, an accordion, and an ocarina. I feel a song coming on.

I always thought rules were really a bore, a nuisance, a bother, a pain. I figured, hey, I'm not the one that they're for, why should I do what they say?

So I took a vacation to flee from their grip, decided that I'd try and steer my own ship, but my plan took a dunk, yes it sunk kerplunk right down to the ocean floor.

Oh, I thought I could escape to the sea. I thought why, a pirate's life, that's for me. I'd get by the wind and I'd by driftin' without any rules. But was I the biggest, the biggest of fools? Shiver me timbers.

So gather round, mates, and lend me your ears, I've something important to tell. Each rule you'll find has your good in mind, if you follow them all will go well.

'Cause the Lord made the rules to protect me and you, to keep us from going astray like we do. They're just like a star shining bright, a light to guide you on your way.

Oh, I thought I could escape to the sea. I thought why, a pirate's life, that's for me. I'd get by the wind and I'd by driftin' without any rules. But was I the biggest, the biggest of fools?

I was sailing, flailing over the stormy sea! Gale force, off course, was not all it cracked up to be! I was so blind!

Guest (Male): How blind were you?

Guest (Male): I was so blind, it's like I had a patch over both me eyes!

Oh, I know I can't escape to the sea. I know why a pirate's life isn't for me. I'll get by the Lord and I because His wisdom is brighter than jewels.

So I know I will be that guy who always will follow the rules. Yes, I will be that guy who always will follow the rules!

Insight for Living: To order a copy of today's program, "A Pirate's Life," just log on to pawsandtales.org.

"A Pirate's Life" was written by Clark Corkum and directed by David Carl. Our script supervisor was Phil Lollar. The song "I-I-I" was written by Sandy Howell and Jody Frankfurt. Music was by Tim Hosman, and our sound designer was Eric Basil. Paws & Tales is an Insight for Living production.