Paws & Tales

Gooze: Hey everyone, Gooze here for Paws & Tales. I think it's time for you to become famous and I have just the plan to get you rolling. Pop over to pawsandtales.org and download one of the radio scripts we have there. Record yourself on your parents' phone reading it like you're a real actor.

We have several scripts for you to choose from. Then, just have your parents go to pawsandtales.org and head on into the clubhouse and upload it there. We'll use some of them inside an actual episode. So record it serious or record it silly. We're going to love it either way. Get your radio script at pawsandtales.org and let's start your new career as a radio announcer to the world.

Insight for Living: Welcome to the world of Paws & Tales. Wild Mountain can be a pretty dangerous place. If you stay on the trails and stick with me, there is adventure to be had there too. Insight for Living is proud to present Paws & Tales.

Guest (Male): Howdy and welcome to Wildwood. There are few things as well as inspiring as an ocean breeze. Looking out over the Bay of Tranquility, you can see ships of all sizes, sails billowing in the breeze. There are fishermen bringing in their catch with seagulls swarming overhead.

It is both adventurous and peaceful all at the same time, which is just what CJ Brown needs right now. It seems our favorite bear cub had yet another run-in with the local bully, Hugh McClaw. In fact, it is the third one this week. As usual, CJ did not get the best of the scrap, but he did get a note from Ms. Harbor to take home to his folks, the contents of which he has been thinking on for the past hour or so while lying in a small boat. Why all the thinking? One word.

CJ Brown: Expelled. I can't believe I've been expelled for a week. What am I going to do?

Jeremiah: CJ!

CJ Brown: Jeremiah, you scared me to death.

Jeremiah: Sorry. I heard you talking. You okay?

CJ Brown: What do you think?

Jeremiah: Hey, if it makes you feel any better, all the kids were behind you even though you were losing.

CJ Brown: Oh, that helps. It was all Hugh's fault and we both got expelled. It's not fair.

Jeremiah: Hey, you broke the no-fighting rule.

CJ Brown: It's a dumb rule. I was standing up for what I thought was right and I get the same punishment as the bad guy. What kind of a screwy rule is that?

Jeremiah: I don't know. A rule's a rule.

CJ Brown: Yeah, well, I hate them. No fighting, clean your room, take out the trash, no tying your cousin upside down to a tree and throwing eggs at his head.

Jeremiah: You need a rule for that? My point is I am sick of the rules. I wish I could go some place where there aren't any and where kids don't get expelled from school. So what are you going to do?

CJ Brown: I don't know. Can't go home, that's for sure. My folks will kill me for getting expelled.

Jeremiah: You could stow away, hop on a ship, take off on a great adventure. You could jump on my dad's ship when he gets home tomorrow.

CJ Brown: Tomorrow's too late. My dad's on that ship coming back from a business trip. That could be a bit awkward. "Hi, Dad, running away. Could you help me with my trunk?"

Jeremiah: Okay then, a different ship. There's only a ton of them in the bay. Just pick one.

CJ Brown: I guess I could, but I don't have any money.

Jeremiah: You don't need money when you stow away. That's why it's called stowing away. You're hiding. And if you ever want to come back, you just catch another ship home. I knew one kid who went all the way to Fiji and back.

CJ Brown: Who?

Jeremiah: V.J. Uwiki.

CJ Brown: He was from Fiji.

Jeremiah: Which doesn't change the fact that he went there and back.

CJ Brown: I'm not going to have to worry about coming back. If I don't come back, I won't have to give the note to my folks and they won't be mad and punish me.

Jeremiah: You mean you're going to do it?

CJ Brown: I'm going to do it.

Jeremiah: You're stowing away?

CJ Brown: I'm stowing away. Out on the high seas with nowhere to run or hide and death surrounding you in a thousand different ways, 24 hours a day.

I'm stowing away. Wow. Well, I guess this is it then, huh?

Jeremiah: Guess so. I'll miss you, CJ.

CJ Brown: Me too. Jeremiah, tell everybody I said goodbye.

Jeremiah: Consider it done. Oh, okay. You're not going, are you? No, I'll just stay here until I work up enough courage to go home and get punished. See you around, CJ.

CJ Brown: Not for about a week you won't.

Guest (Male): CJ pulled a tarp in the boat over his head so he wouldn't be disturbed again. And before long, the lapping of the waves and the gentle rocking of the rowboat lulled that cub right to sleep. Two things woke CJ. First, he realized that the boat wasn't just rocking anymore, it was moving forward.

And second, he heard voices, voices he hadn't heard before. He decided to listen for a while before letting them know he was there. As it turned out, he was both glad and sorry that he did.

Guest (Male): Hey, hurry up. We're running late and the captain is going to be furious.

Guest (Male): Don't you set tone with me. I'm not the one who stopped to buy licorice.

Guest (Male): You have a problem with licorice?

Guest (Male): You mean besides your jumping and chewing and smacking? It's truly disgusting.

Guest (Male): Oh, truly disgusting. Well, fine, then no licorice for you.

Guest (Male): Oh, none? Just keep rowing. Yeah, what's that music, huh? The foolish people in that town, being so nice and polite and never suspecting who we really are. We, I wonder what they would have done if they had known we were pirates. Shh, what? I heard a noise.

Guest (Male): I can't help it. I'm hungry.

Guest (Male): No, no, not your stomach, idiot. Down there.

CJ Brown: Please don't hurt me!

Guest (Male): A stowaway! Who are you?

CJ Brown: My name is CJ. Are you guys really pirates?

Guest (Male): Only the meanest pirates you'll ever see. Can I have one licorice, little one? I'm trying to make a point here. Oh, over the side with him.

CJ Brown: Wait, please no!

Guest (Male): Give me one good reason why.

CJ Brown: Because I want to be a pirate too.

Gooze: Hi, I'm Arayah Sunshine from North Carolina. You know what I like to listen to the most? Paws & Tales, of course. There is more Paws & Tales coming right up.

Dave: So Dave, notice anything really new and really, really nice? Dave says that the new Christmas swag bag? Yes, as a matter of fact, it is. A fashionable drawstring backpack filled with a Paws & Tales t-shirt, a ball cap, a very special pen made from a tree branch, and one of our activity coloring books.

Gooze: All of that can be under your tree for Christmas. Just jump over to pawsandtales.org and get one for your Christmas Paws & Tales fan.

Guest (Male): So you want to be a pirate, eh?

CJ Brown: Yes, I do.

Guest (Male): A little goody-two-shoes, Mama's boy like you can't be a pirate.

CJ Brown: Can too. I'm tired of being good. Give me a chance and I can be as bad as anyone.

Guest (Male): I still say over the side with him.

Guest (Male): I don't know. He has spunk. He reminds me of me when I was young.

Guest (Male): You were a whiny, sniveling coward when you were young.

Guest (Male): He reminds me of what I wanted to be when I was young, okay? Let's take him to see the captain.

Guest (Male): Yeah, that's it. The captain. Don't be so smart. The captain will decide whether you can be a pirate or walk the plank. Hey, where's my licorice? Did you eat my licorice? Oh, what do you mean? You stinking pirate.

Guest (Male): Once the boat reached the pirate ship, CJ was dragged aboard and plopped smack in front of the captain, a wily old sea dog by the name of Francis Teastane.

Captain Teastane: So you want to be a pirate, eh?

CJ Brown: Yes, sir. Roaming the high seas, wind at our backs, plundering, pillaging, and looting. No rules, just doing as we please.

Captain Teastane: I'm sorry. Did you just say no rules? Wait, just plundering, pillaging, and looting. Doing as we please. Excuse me. Where did you ever get the idea that we have no rules?

CJ Brown: Well, you're pirates.

Captain Teastane: Well, yes, but that doesn't mean we're not civilized. But don't you plunder, pillage, and loot? Oh, certainly, and quite well, I might add. But we couldn't do it without discipline. And discipline means rules.

CJ Brown: What kind of rules?

Captain Teastane: Ah, the ones here in the Pirate's Book of Rules and Bylaws.

CJ Brown: That's the biggest book I've ever seen.

Captain Teastane: Well, it's the code by which we live our lives. Everyone on board must follow every rule, and if it's not in here, we don't do it.

CJ Brown: You mean this book is full of nothing but rules for pirates?

Captain Teastane: Oh, heavens no. Only the first 800 pages. The last 900 are bylaws.

CJ Brown: What's a bylaw?

Captain Teastane: Well, I'd say it's sort of a Mr. Blisstin.

Mr. Blisstin: Yes, sir?

Captain Teastane: What exactly is a bylaw?

Mr. Blisstin: Well, sir, it's pretty much a rule.

Captain Teastane: It's a rule, my boy.

CJ Brown: I wanted to be a pirate to get away from rules.

Captain Teastane: Oh, then you don't want to be a pirate?

CJ Brown: Not if it means I've got to learn all that.

Captain Teastane: Oh dear, this is a bit of a sticky wicket. Well, let's see what the book says, shall we? Let's see. What to do with someone who says he wants to be a pirate and then changes his mind. Ah, yes, here it is. Rule 597. Such a person shall be fed to the piranha. Mr. Cohen.

Mr. Cohen: Piranha? Rules are rules, though, boy. Did you call me, Captain?

Captain Teastane: Yes, please take this young man and throw him to the piranha.

Mr. Cohen: Nothing would give me more pleasure, Captain, but the Bay of Tranquility has no piranha.

Captain Teastane: Oh, drat. Well, back to the book then. No piranha, no piranha. Aha! Rule 598. In the event there are no piranha, the victim must be placed into a very small box, which shall then be wrapped in chains, dropped overboard, and dragged behind the ship until such time as piranha are available. Right then. A box, Mr. Cohen.

Mr. Cohen: Oui, mon captain.

CJ Brown: I can't believe this. I just wanted to be a pirate so I wouldn't have to tell my folks I got expelled from school.

Captain Teastane: Ah, then you're running away.

CJ Brown: Well, yeah.

Captain Teastane: Well, why didn't you say so? Most of us are here because we're running away.

CJ Brown: Even you?

Captain Teastane: Oh, certainly. Of course, in my case, I'm running from long prison sentences, but an expulsion is almost the same thing.

CJ Brown: Then I can be a pirate?

Captain Teastane: Oh, I should think so. Great. Let's see what the book says. Rule 852. What to do with someone who says he wants to be a pirate and then says he doesn't want to be a pirate and then says he wants to be a pirate so he won't have to tell his folks he got expelled from school.

CJ Brown: This is one specific rulebook.

Captain Teastane: He must polish the boots of every man on board.

CJ Brown: That's not so bad. I can do that.

Captain Teastane: I expect to see those boots shine like the noonday sun.

Guest (Male): CJ got to work immediately polishing the boots, or rather trying to.

CJ Brown: Would you stand still for just one minute?

Mr. Blisstin: Shush. Rule 1,056 says I must keep these boots lashed down tight all the time, and I can't do that standing still.

CJ Brown: Well, then could you take off your boots so I can polish them?

Captain Teastane: Oh no, no, no. Rule 112. A pirate must wear boots at all times. Splinters can be a nasty business.

CJ Brown: Don't you ever get tired of obeying all these rules?

Mr. Blisstin: Rule 503. Any pirate who gets tired of obeying the rules shall have his tongue nailed to the mast and his pants filled with scalding hot mush.

CJ Brown: So that would be a no.

Guest (Male): By 10 o'clock that night, CJ had managed to finish polishing only a few of the boots on board. He was exhausted and famished.

CJ Brown: I can't stand it anymore. I've got to get something to eat. Excuse me, sir. Are you the cook?

Cook: That's me.

CJ Brown: Sir, all I've had to eat since lunch is some licorice. I'm so hungry.

Cook: Have you finished your polishing? No? Sorry.

CJ Brown: Please, at this rate, I'll starve before I'm through.

Cook: Whoa, whoa, whoa. That's rule 283. No one on board is allowed to die of starvation. Food poisoning, maybe, but starvation, never. Have a seat. Thanks. And there it be.

CJ Brown: Scalding hot mush?

Cook: And plenty of it. No one's disobeyed any rules today, so far, so eat hearty and then get back to polishing.

CJ Brown: This is better than nothing. I guess my mom knows I'm not coming home by now. She's probably pretty lonely. Oh well, she'll have Dad with her tomorrow.

Cook: Hey, you complaining about the food?

CJ Brown: No, the pirate's life is definitely not as fun as I thought it would be.

Cook: Not as fun? Are you daft? Being a pirate is not intended to be a jolly old time, you insufferable cub. We are every one of us here because we have to be. We're all criminals and cheats, liars and thieves. If we could go home, don't you think we would? But we've got no one to miss us and no one to greet us if we got there.

CJ Brown: Well, I'm not a criminal. I just didn't want to be punished.

Cook: Oh, the irony.

CJ Brown: Excuse me?

Cook: You were going to be punished for your own good by people who love you. Here, you will, and believe me, you will, be punished by those who would just as soon toss you overboard to the sharks. Hey, you can eat that food or wear it. Remember the rule.

CJ Brown: Eating.

Guest (Male): An exhausted CJ managed to choke down a few bites of mush before his eyelids got so heavy they nearly closed with a thud. His head slowly sank to the table as he drifted off to sleep. As the sun rose the next morning, CJ woke to the sound of a battle cry.

Captain Teastane: All hands on deck! All hands on deck!

CJ Brown: What's all the fuss about?

Guest (Male): We've had quest of another ship! Come on, boy, you don't want to miss this.

Guest (Male): CJ joined in with the bustling pirates and made his way to the top deck, where Captain Teastane was barking out orders.

Captain Teastane: Limber the guns! Navigator, closer to the wind! Hoist the skull and crossbones! Prepare to fire cannons!

CJ Brown: This is great. I'm part of a real-life pirate raid. Where's the ship we're attacking?

Captain Teastane: There she is, boy, off the port bow.

CJ Brown: Wait a second. I know that ship. That's Captain Reginald's boat, and that means—

Captain Teastane: I want no prisoners and no survivors! Fire cannons on my command!

CJ Brown: Captain Teastane, wait! My father is on that ship!

Gooze: Hi, I'm Zain from Ontario. Don't go away, there's more Paws & Tales coming right up.

Dave: Do you know what's the biggest problem? I guess I don't. What to wear. I get so excited about going to school that I don't plan stuff out very well. I wore my shirt on backwards last week, don't you know? Here is one of our newly made Paws & Tales t-shirts. It has the Paws & Tales logo on the front, so you'll never be confused and wear it backwards. It will be so great if people could just go onto pawsandtales.org and order one. Gooze, I think you're a genius.

Guest (Male): Cannons ready, Captain!

Captain Teastane: No, wait, Captain!

Guest (Male): What, what is it? I'm rather busy here.

CJ Brown: You can't fire at that ship. It's a friendly ship. I know it. It belongs to Captain Reginald, my friend's father, and my dad is aboard it too.

Captain Teastane: What's your point?

CJ Brown: Captain, they're good people. They never hurt you. They never hurt anybody.

Captain Teastane: Again I ask, what's your point?

CJ Brown: Why are you doing this?

Captain Teastane: Hello! We're pirates. Pirates! We attack ships on the open main, remember? Roaming the high seas, wind at our backs, plundering, pillaging, looting. Those are your words, not mine.

CJ Brown: I didn't think that meant attacking friendly ships.

Captain Teastane: Who did you think we attack?

CJ Brown: So you're willing to fire on innocent people just to steal a little money from their boat before it sinks?

Captain Teastane: I'd say that about sums it up, yes. Now, if you'll excuse me. Mr. Blisstin, take this cub away, please.

CJ Brown: No, you can't, please!

Captain Teastane: CJ, it's what pirates do.

CJ Brown: Yeah, I know, because it's in your rulebook.

Captain Teastane: Rulebook? Rulebook?

CJ Brown: It is in your rulebook, isn't it?

Captain Teastane: Well, I can't say as it actually—

CJ Brown: It's not! It's not in your silly rulebook!

Captain Teastane: Well, not specifically, but it is in the spirit of—

Guest (Male): All this time it's not really in the book?

CJ Brown: Then you can't do it.

Captain Teastane: Can't do it, can't do it. Now hold on.

Mr. Blisstin: Hey, he's been telling us that for years. If it's not in the book, well then—

CJ Brown: You said so yourself. You said the rulebook is your code and that everyone has to follow every rule, and if it's not in the book, you don't do it.

Mr. Cohen: He's right. You did say that, Captain.

Captain Teastane: This is ridiculous. We're pirates. We have to attack.

CJ Brown: It's not in the rulebook.

Mr. Blisstin: No, it's not in the rulebook. And if it's not in the rulebook, then we shouldn't do it.

Guest (Male): We must obey the rulebook.

Captain Teastane: Oh, forget the silly rulebook. Through the rulebook overboard.

Guest (Male): You don't need it anymore. I'm making the rules, and I say we're attacking that ship.

Mr. Blisstin: We're not following your rules. Without that book, you are not the captain. You are just a stuffy British man in a silly hat. Silly? Silly? Mr. Blisstin, throw this man in the brig!

Guest (Male): Under what rule would that be, sir? You threw our book overboard, so now we throw you overboard.

Captain Teastane: No, wait! This is mutiny. Don't you dare! I am your captain. No! Take off the hat. Off with his head!

Guest (Male): Yay! Wait, now who will be our captain? Oh, I know. CJ! Me? Now wait a minute. We, he stood up for the rule-breaking captain! Hurray for Captain CJ! CJ! CJ! CJ!

CJ Brown: Wait. Did you hear that? It sounded like an explosion.

Mr. Blisstin: We, and there is the whistle of a shell. And it's getting louder. Incoming! Take cover!

CJ Brown: Captain Reginald fired on us!

Mr. Cohen: His shell landed in the powder room!

Guest (Male): The ship's going to explode! Help! Help! Please, help! CJ! CJ! Wake up! CJ! CJ!

CJ Brown: What? What, Papa Chuck? Where am I?

Papa Chuck: You're in a rowboat. I came down here to get some oysters and heard you struggling with the tarp.

CJ Brown: Is it still Friday?

Papa Chuck: Yeah, what are you doing here so late? It's almost 5:00.

CJ Brown: I just had the strangest dream.

Papa Chuck: Sure sounded like it. Come on. You can tell me about it on the way home.

Guest (Male): CJ told Papa Chuck everything, from the note home to the expulsion to the crazy dream about the pirates.

Papa Chuck: Sounds like you kind of had a Jonah experience.

CJ Brown: Jonah? Jonah and the fish?

Papa Chuck: Nice to know you're paying attention. Remember what happened in the story?

CJ Brown: Well, God told Jonah to do something he didn't want to do, and Jonah disobeyed God and ran away. I guess it does sort of sound like me, except that mine was a dream and Jonah didn't get put on restriction.

Papa Chuck: Learn anything?

CJ Brown: Well, you shouldn't disobey the rules and running away doesn't solve your problem. It only makes it worse.

Papa Chuck: Excellent. There's one more. Rules aren't just there to tell us what we can and can't do. They're also there to protect us, even help.

CJ Brown: I guess that's kind of obvious, huh?

Papa Chuck: Well, not really. Some people never look at rules that way, especially God's rules. That's one reason why they go off on their own. It's a good thing to learn while you're young, CJ. Hope it stays with you.

CJ Brown: Oh, I think it will.

Guest (Male): Well, CJ did get grounded for a whole month on account of getting expelled. But after having that dream, he didn't mind quite so much. He never again ran away from his problems and he tried very hard not to break any rules again until the day came when he realized he had to break them, but that's another story.

Guest (Male): Come on, lads, get up on the deck. Bring a whalebone, an accordion, and an ocarina. I feel a song coming on. I always thought rules were really a bore, a nuisance, a bother, a pain. I figured, hey, I'm not the one that they're for. Why should I do what they say?

So I took a vacation to flee from their grip, decided that I'd try and steer my own ship, but my plan took a dunk as it sunk right down to the ocean floor. I thought I could escape to the sea. I thought, why, a pirate's life, that's for me. I'd get by the wind and I'd by drifting without any rules. But was I the biggest, the biggest of fools? Shiver me timbers.

So gather around me and lend me your ears. I've something important to tell. Each rule you'll find has your good in mind. If you follow them all, we'll go well. Because the Lord made the rules to protect me and you, to keep us from going astray like we do. They're just like a star shining bright, a light to guide you on your way.

I thought I could escape to the sea. I thought, why, a pirate's life, that's for me. I'd get by the wind and I'd by drifting without any rules. But was I the biggest, the biggest of fools? I was sailing, flailing over the stormy sea. Gale force, off course was not all it's cracked up to be. I was so blind. How blind were you? I was so blind. It's like I had a patch over both my eyes.

But now, I know I can't escape to the sea. Now I know a pirate's life isn't for me. I'll get by the Lord and I'd by His wisdom is brighter than jewels. So I know I will be that guy who always will follow the rules. Yes, I will be that guy who always will follow the rules.

Insight for Living: To order a copy of today's program, A Pirate's Life, just log on to pawsandtales.org. A Pirate's Life was written by Clark Corkum and directed by David Carl. Our script supervisor was Phil Waller. The song, Aye Aye Aye, was written by Sandy Howell and Jody Frankfort. Music was by Tim Hosman, and our sound designer was Eric Basil. Paws & Tales is an Insight for Living production.