Married With Benefits by FamilyLife

Shaunti Feldhahn: We tested it on the survey, and this one couple said, "When we're at odds with each other, it just makes such a difference when we touch pinkies." I asked, "What? Could you go back and tell me what you're talking about?"

Brian Goins: Hey, Brian Goins here. If you've been around marriage material, podcasts, or been to a conference, or if you've read any books, you're going to come across Gary Chapman's Five Love Languages. I won't recount them all right now. Just know that food is not one of them, and I personally think that's my favorite love language.

What we're going to learn today is that there's another language that highly happy couples are fluent in. This language, fortunately, doesn't require Rosetta Stone. It's pretty easy to learn, and if you listen all the way to the end of this episode, you'll find it's actually pretty silly. Researchers have proven that the toughest years in marriage are those following the wedding. It's usually a joke, but I tell it all the time. Everyone is like, "They don't get it at first," but then they realize it means every year after the wedding.

Shaunti Feldhahn: I was assuming you meant literally the first few years. There is actually statistically true data about the first four years. But he says all the years.

Brian Goins: I just realized I did not introduce my wife to this podcast. We were thinking the same thing, and she wrote down on my post-it note, "Introduce me?" with a question mark. It's not a question; it's a command. We're back with Jen. We're excited that Jen is here with us to talk about this because this is one of your favorite chapters that she wrote.

Jen Goins: Whenever I read Shaunti's books, I always feel enlightened. Thank you so much for that.

Shaunti Feldhahn: This chapter of your book where we talk about the secret uses the porcupine problem. It's how a couple gets close again when one or both spouses have been bristling with hurt feelings and anger. We all get that. When we're bristling with each other, how do porcupines come back together? The old joke is, "Very carefully."

We want to talk about how we very carefully, when we're bristled but not denying the fact that we're angry, acknowledge the anger. In Secret 3, we talked about how highly happy couples go to bed mad. We're not denying the anger. It's helpful for them to acknowledge it. At that moment where we're at odds with each other, is there any kind of a secret or clue that highly happy couples will do to dissipate some of that anger?

This was something that took us a minute to realize what we were hearing, and it finally clicked. We had probably interviewed 20 or 30 couples at this point. This one couple said, "When we're at odds with each other, it just makes such a difference when we touch pinkies." I asked, "What? Could you go back and tell me what you're talking about?"

They explained, "We have this thing. If we've been at odds and we've been bristling with that hurt and anger, at some point, one of us will come up to the other and extend the pinky. If the other person touches pinkies, it means we're okay. The argument is done. We may still have the issue, but the hurt feelings are made up." I thought that was interesting. Then all of a sudden, as soon as that couple said that, I realized I've heard that from all these other couples and just didn't know what I was hearing. We started asking, and then we tested it on the survey. This is a huge deal. I think it's more than 70% of the happiest couples do this, and the number is much smaller for everybody else.

Jen Goins: It obviously made us think about whether we do this because we feel like we're a highly happy couple. It's just a wonderful thought and it's very interesting.

Brian Goins: What she's picking up is really something I don't want the audience to miss. This is a super practical way to handle the instruction to not let the sun go down on your anger. We hear about being kind and harmonious, the fruit of the spirit, love, patience, kindness, peace, and self-control. We hear that and think, "I don't know how to do that when emotions are flooding my brain."

As a guy, I struggle with that slow process when my emotions are getting in the way of logic. This made me realize there are actually super practical and funny ways to remind each other that we're in this together. We see the pain, the bristles, and the hurt, but I still love you. Give us a couple of other examples of the ones you picked up on in your interviews where couples were doing weird things to remind each other they love each other in the moment of anger.

Shaunti Feldhahn: One of my favorite ones was hilarious. They said that one of them will come up and play bumper cars. They'll bump the other person at the kitchen sink or walking through the living room. A minute later, if the other person comes back and bumps them, it means, "I accept your apology; we're good." It was cute.

One of the funniest ones didn't make it into the book. We were talking to this very intense, big guy. He was the husband of a highly happy couple. He was probably 6'7", 280 pounds, a real man's man. We asked if they have this, and he got so red. I told him he had to tell me. I promised it was all confidential and I wouldn't out him. He said, "Well, my wife meows, and if I meow back, that means we're okay."

That is awesome. I can just see him cowering down. It was so funny. What were some of yours? You've heard a bunch of these.

Jen Goins: One of the ones in the book featured a couple that asks, "You know what? We deserve each other." What I like about that one is that you're saying we're both not perfect. We both have issues. This time it was your issue or mine or both of ours, but we deserve each other. We're both so terrible that we just deserve each other. That makes them laugh and realize they belong together. It brings them back. I thought that one was really sweet.

Shaunti Feldhahn: I remember one couple where one person would text the other "EROS." How do you spell that? It's "Y-R-R-O-S." If the other person texts it back, they're okay. Sometimes you can try to touch the pinky and the other person's not there yet. If there was a silence, they weren't there yet, but if they texted back EROS, they were okay. It turns out it's "sorry" backwards.

Jen Goins: Our sound engineer is shaking her head saying, "I might use that." The thing is, it was different for everybody. But it was just the first touch. It was a way to bring you back without having to have a big talk.

Shaunti Feldhahn: Exactly. It's literally saying again that the issue could still very much be there, but we're okay. We've reconnected. It's a psychological, emotional, and spiritual back-to-oneness.

Jen Goins: For me, I'm thinking about it, and they're usually kind of funny. Humor or a touch always breaks the ice. You take away some of that seriousness to break the ice, and then you can be serious if you still really have to be. But it's just a good start to break the ice and say, "I deserve you."

Brian Goins: Ours is really silly, kind of like the meow. We have two. We've talked about this since reading the book and we share this at most of our marriage events as a little secret. If you don't have one, start one so you can utilize it. I'll tell the embarrassing one first.

I don't even know if people are going to get this, but here we go. We have a dog that we adore named Jammers. He's about 12 years old now, and we've had him his whole life. Our kids say his name in a million different ways: Jammer, Jammers. For some reason, they pluralize it. We'll just say our dog's name to each other in a silly voice, and it brings us back together. It makes us laugh more than anything. Nobody else would get that, and it sounds stupid even if we were to reproduce it right now, but it's our inside thing.

Jen Goins: Then we have a physical one. From the very beginning of our marriage, if we hug or touch each other and if I pat him, he feels like that's motherly and demeaning. He does not like "the pat." Even sometimes when I'm hugging him and I start patting him, he'll say, "That's the pat; don't do that." But it's funny. I obviously respect that and don't pat him all the time. But if we're in a fight, in order to break the silence, he'll do it to me or I'll do it to him, and we laugh about it. It's a physical touch.

Shaunti Feldhahn: Jeff will come up to me, and we realized we had been doing this. Usually, in our marriage, there's something I've done, and Jeff is dealing with anger and wants to withdraw. I'm left chasing him around the house asking what's wrong or what I did. He's escaping. Then at some point, maybe an hour later or even a day later, he'll come back up to me, shove me with his shoulder, and ask, "You done being mad yet?" I want to kill him, but it makes me laugh, and that's his way of saying, "I'm sorry, I'm back, let's talk about it."

Brian Goins: I'm going to put our producer on the spot. Bruce, do you and Maria have one?

Bruce: I feel like I'm letting you down. I can't think of what we have, other than when it's all settled, a reassurance of "you have unlimited lives," like in Mario. You just get to start over.

Shaunti Feldhahn: That is so sweet! Oh my gosh.

Brian Goins: What do you mean you don't have one? You just threw the trump card down. "You have unlimited lives." Cheat code.

Shaunti Feldhahn: As I'm sitting here, the women I'm sitting next to are reacting so strongly. That is such an incredible reassurance for every woman who wonders if you really love her. It's such a good reassurance.

Brian Goins: Bruce, not everybody remembers Mario. That is a video game. I love Mario Kart and all that stuff. Did you come up with that on your own?

Bruce: My brain is stuck being an eight-year-old, so I just think in terms of Mario. Early in our marriage, I was just like, "Yeah, don't worry about it. You've got unlimited free lives."

Shaunti Feldhahn: Unlimited free lives. What a great sign. It's going to go in my next book. I'm sure of it.

Brian Goins: I hope you've been enjoying this season of Married With Benefits. It is super easy for you to support this podcast. All you really need to be able to do is press two buttons: like and subscribe. Leave a review or a comment. Let us know what you're leaning into, what's encouraging you, and what you feel is helping your marriage. We would love to hear those comments. That's it. It's super easy and it would help us out a lot. There are probably people listening who don't know if they have one or if they should develop one. How do you find one? What are the aspects of a good sign?

Shaunti Feldhahn: It's got to be between the two of you. It's a private thing. It's something that wouldn't make sense to anybody else.

Jen Goins: Could you do this with kids too? I imagine it would work with our kids too.

Shaunti Feldhahn: I've never studied that one, but I'll do a two-year study and get back to you. I think it would work with highly happy families. It has to be something that's the two of you, and it has to be authentic to the two of you. It's not something you can just make up and make the other person do. That feels cheesy.

The whole point is that you two are coming back together and reassuring one another. Usually, it's something playful. Every now and then I hear a serious one that is pretty deep, like "you've got unlimited lives" which means this is forever. The third principle is really important; let me emphasize this. This is the only secret in the whole book that both people have to do.

All the other things we found work if only one person does them. You can believe the best or try those little things. That is significant because it means you can focus on doing what you can do. This is the only exception to that because, by definition, it has to be reciprocal. If you've extended the pinky out and your spouse says, "I'm not there yet," that's okay.

Brian Goins: That's part of the pact you're making with this person: I may not be ready, so I'm going to give you permission to have some time until you can return the pinky.

Shaunti Feldhahn: I'm going to leave you hanging with that meow or that pat. You talk about how this reciprocal nature really is a lovers' bypass. It basically bypasses the fact that we are at odds about something, and that something is still there. But we're going to go around it. We're still going to be okay. When you've come back together around something, it actually makes it easier to deal with.

Brian Goins: I want to be careful here because somebody could take this out of context. You can't bypass everything. This doesn't mean you say "Jammers" after you find out your spouse just looked at porn again or they broke trust in a significant way. We're not talking about that. We're talking about those things where you've just done something stupid, said something mean, or you're at odds about some decision.

Shaunti Feldhahn: Like the story earlier of wondering whether to move to Atlanta years ago. You were trying to figure out what job to take and had two different opinions. That is definitely not an "oh yeah, we'll just touch pinkies and it'll be fine" situation.

Brian Goins: I think that's a good caveat to give because there are people listening who are facing really difficult things. It does remind me that this sign language is a little sign of the covenant. God does the same thing with us when you think about the sign of the covenant. He has a sign that he is basically saying to his people: "I love you. I'm not going to leave you." He does that throughout Scripture. It could be the rainbow or communion as a sign of Christ's sacrifice for us.

We talk about Dabaq in our Art of Marriage series, which means to cleave or to cling. That's what we do in marriage. We choose to leave our mother and our father and cleave to one another in the good times and the bad times. Having something that's a reminder that we're okay, that I love you and I'm not going to leave you even though this is frustrating right now, I think that's huge.

Shaunti Feldhahn: I'd never even thought of it until you mentioned that, that this sort of sign language—the touching pinkies, the funny words, playing bumper cars—that is a sign of the covenant in marriage between the two of you.

Jen Goins: Some people listening to this are going to need to actually ask, "How do we come back together?" It helps it not just float. Even if the issue isn't resolved, how do we get resolved? How do we feel together? If you don't have something like that, do think about asking yourself the question: "How can I convey I'm sorry or we're okay without actually saying it?"

It has to be something natural that your spouse agrees works. In doing that process, my bet is that a lot of people listening to this will realize they already have something like that and they didn't realize it mattered. We can do it more purposefully and use that.

Brian Goins: That's what I love about the research you've come out with. You discovered something that was already happening. Too often we don't discover the right things that we're already doing. It's easy to point out the gaps, the weaknesses, and the problems, but I think the enemy wants to keep us from seeing the right things. There's probably a right thing you're doing, and if you just think about it, I bet you'll go, "Let's do that." Or you might come up with it together.

See if you can top one of those signs. We've got a lot of funny ones: the meow, the bumper cars, the pat. Send us in the funny one or the cool one that you do, or a story of how it was the beginning of bringing you back together. That would be a pretty cool story to hear.

Thanks for joining us for this episode. If you enjoy this podcast, please hit like or subscribe. Please leave a review or a comment. It helps get the word out to more couples so they can find hope for their own marriage. If you haven't picked up Shaunti's book that we're talking about this season, The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages, you're going to want to get that and maybe grab one to give away.

That's really what we're about here at FamilyLife. We want to help you experience oneness so that you can impact your corner of the world. We've got a lot more help and hope for your marriage and family at FamilyLife.com. You can find other articles, podcasts, shows, and small group resources. You'll want to check that out at FamilyLife.com.