Living on the Edge

Chip Ingram: There is a lie in relationships that nearly all of us believe. When conflict comes, here is what we think: If that person would just change, if they would get their act together, if they would shape up, then this relationship would work. There is a lie in there that is destructive, and I am going to share what it is and how to change. Stay with me.

Dave Druey: Welcome to Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram. Is there someone in your life who just never changes no matter what you try? Chip has an interesting name for that kind of relationship that he is going to teach us. Today he opens his Bible to Luke chapter six to show us Jesus' own radical, counterintuitive solution for the relationship that just won't budge. We are nearing the end of our series called Caring Enough to Connect. If you missed any part of this study, you can catch up online anytime at livingontheedge.org. Now here is Chip Ingram with today's message, "The Only Person I Can Change is Me."

Chip Ingram: We are in a little series on relationships, and I would like to suggest that I am going to talk about a disease that I call chronic relatitus. I have made up this word myself. It is chronic relatitus. This is the last principle about the life lessons that I've learned about relationships. It is one of the most difficult things to deal with in any relationship when someone, I mean perpetually, acts or treats you in a way that either causes inward concern or outward conflict. That is what I mean by chronic relatitus.

Let me give you a few illustrations. You are married to a husband who is not spiritually sensitive, has no desire for God, no desire for the Bible, and no desire for church. He sits on the recliner Sunday morning with a Coors Light watching NFL football as you get the kids and walk out the door to church. You are concerned about his soul, you are concerned about his own life, and you are concerned about the impact on your kids. You have nagged, you have tried, you have left the Bible open, and you have left the radio on the right station in the car. For the last 10 years, no change. That is what I call chronic relatitus.

Or it is the in-laws who are negative and critical with every visit, every letter, every phone call. When they visit, what you know is anything that is not right in the house, anything that is not right with your parenting, anything that is not right with anything, you are going to hear about it. They do it in this syrupy, "we really care" attitude, that they really want to help you. You know underneath of it is the same old junk you've had for the last 17 years, and it is just chronic.

Or the child who is constantly disrespectful even after multiple disciplines. You have multiple conversations with them and multiple conversations with your mate, and you just feel like it is chronic. What do you do? Or the boss, employee, or fellow worker that constantly has a negative attitude, is sarcastic and cynical, and nothing is ever right. It doesn't matter if you just broke through the next goals, if you got a promotion, if everyone has worked as a team. This person has an attitude and a lens that no matter what happens, life is bad, it stinks. They can take the most positive situation and they are spin masters; they can see the downside of everything. You live with these people.

Before we go on, I would like you, because your faces are telling me you are beginning to really track with me, I would like you to think of who is that person or persons in your life, in your relational network, that you would say you are experiencing chronic relatitus. In other words, if there is one person that would come to your mind right now and you could say, "Oh God, give me a magic pill, and when they look the other way, I could give them this magic pill and it would change whatever it is," who would they be?

Who is that person that you would really like to see really change? If they changed—I don't think this is bad—but down deep in your heart you would say that would be so nice for me. It would be so much better if that would change. Then my relational world would be a lot better. Have you got that person in your mind? It usually doesn't take very long.

Now I want to give you principle number eight. Like always, I'll give you a principle, a passage, and a practice. The principle I have is the only person I can change is me. The only person I can change is me. I can try nagging, I can try manipulation, I can try threats, I can try yelling, I can try the silent treatment, or I can try passive-aggressively paying back in very subtle Christian-type ways to execute vengeance.

When all of that doesn't work, what I've learned is when I'm in a relational situation where the reality of that relationship either causes me deep concern or ongoing conflict, the biggest lesson I've learned is the only person I can change is me. If you'd open your Bibles to Luke chapter six, I want to develop something out of a little bit of an obscure text because you're going to say to yourself, "How does this passage have to do with that principle?"

Luke chapter six, in fact, I've put the passage on your notes. It says, "Give and it will be given unto you. They will pour it out in your lap, a good measure, pressed down, shaken together, and running over. For by your standard of measure, it will measure to you." Give and it will be given unto you, good measure, pressed down, shaken together, running over. The idea is as I give to other people in the same measure. The idea of a measure is if I gave a cup full, I'd get a cup full back. If I gave a gallon full, I'd get a gallon full back. If I gave 55 gallons away, I'd get 55 gallons back. Whatever measure I give out to others, he says it will come back to you.

He's using a farmer's or agricultural metaphor here. If you want to get more grain, the idea of shake down, running over is the idea that if you shake something, you can keep making more room to put more in. It is the idea of abundance. Give to other people and you will get back, good measure, shaken down, running over in abundance back into your lap.

The relational application I want to make is that whatever you most need in a relationship, the thing you most want from the relationship but are not receiving, give it away. This is the ultimate counterintuitive, opposite way. We have a tit-for-tat mentality. I'll be kind to you if you'll be kind to me, and I am waiting for you to be kind to me so I can be kind to you. I will respect you when you respect me. I will do for you once you do for me.

What I am saying is when you hit chronic relatitus and you've tried all the different ways to change this person, and he is still on the recliner, and she is still dissing you in public, and that kid is still disrespectful, and that fellow employee or boss is still making you nuts and nothing is changing, give them whatever you really want to receive from them.

Dave Druey: You're listening to Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram, and we'll get back to today's message in just a moment. But first, did you know you can actually watch Chip teach, not just hear him? Just get on YouTube, search for Chip Ingram, and hit subscribe to his channel. There you'll find full video versions of his Bible teachings along with entire series on marriage, parenting, leadership, and a whole lot more. Ready to watch whenever it works for your schedule? All right, now back to our message.

Chip Ingram: Your faces are looking at me like you obviously don't know the person that came to my mind or you wouldn't say something like this because that is not fair. In fact, the real issue is when I look at who's giving in this relationship, this is a 90/10-er. I am already giving 90 percent and I get 10 back, and I get 10 back on not a good day or a good week; I get 10 back on a good year. So that is not fair. What I want to say is you're right, it is not fair. It is supernatural.

The other thing I want to do is ask you now in your Bibles to turn back and let me give you a little context. Where did this verse come from? Jesus in the opening of Luke has done two things that seem outrageous. He's violated the Sabbath two different times, eating one time and then after that he heals a man. Then after that he goes up onto a mountain and he calls the disciples to himself. Then he descends down and he is going to give the Sermon on the Mount. He comes to a level place and there is a great multitude with his disciples and all these people.

He begins to teach, he begins to heal, and he begins to do all the things to meet the needs of other people. Then he gives that classic beginning of that message that we know, "Blessed are the poor in spirit, blessed are those who hunger and thirst." He gives those classic beatitudes. But when he gets done with those, then picking it up at verse 27, he says, "But I say to you who hear." Notice, "I say to you who hear." I am talking to those of you I just gave a sermon to. I gave it with my disciples here and all this multitude. But I say to you who hear—translation: if you get it.

If you really understand what I was trying to say. "But I say to those of you who hear: Love your enemies and do good to those who hate you. Bless those who persecute you and pray for those who mistreat you. Whoever hits you on the cheek," literally the right cheek, "offer him the left. Whoever takes away your coat, don't withhold your shirt from him as well. Give to everyone who asks of you, and whoever takes away what is yours, do not demand it back. Just as you want men to treat you, treat them in the same way."

Imagine, those are great Jesus words. They put them on plaques in Christian bookstores and they sell like hotcakes. Can you imagine being in that crowd for the first time and having a good developed sense of justice like we all have? Hearing about how blessed you can be if you realize you're needy, if you hunger for God, if you long to be the man or woman and you want to follow him. Then he says, "Now by the way, if you understood what I just said about the supernatural life with me, then bless those who persecute you, pray for those who mistreat you."

The picture isn't just pacifism. Matthew five talks about if someone hits you on the left cheek, and most of us are right-handed. Basically—Vicky, be careful here—this is Vicky's right cheek, it says. With my right hand, I have a hard time hitting her. Really, this is more of using the back of my hand; I am disrespecting the person. I am really dissing them and I am saying what you think and who you are. He's saying don't allow yourself to get pulled into. So what do they do? You just turn and give them the other cheek.

This passage doesn't teach that there is never a time to defend yourself in light of all the rest of the Bible. But what it's capturing is giving the very opposite of what the person deserves. Isn't that the thing that we can say from all of these? You give the very opposite of what the person deserves. This is Jesus' relational model. Then notice he goes on because that part of us that's deep inside that says this isn't fair, he goes on to say, picking it up in verse 32, "And if you love those who love you, what credit is that? For even sinners love those who love them."

Verse 33: "And if you do good to those who do good to you, what credit is that? For even sinners do the same thing. And if you lend to those from whom you expect to receive credit, what credit is that to you? Even sinners lend to sinners in order to receive back the same amount." In other words, when you're just dishing out what other people dish to you or when you're playing the tit-for-tat game, you're just part of the human race. That is not like a follower of Jesus. That is not a supernatural response. That is not how relationships work.

Then he goes on to say, "But love your enemies and do good and lend and expect nothing in return." Notice here's where now the faith kicks in. "Your reward will be great and you will be sons of the Most High, for he himself is kind to whom? To the ungrateful and evil men." We're never more like God and we're never more like his son Jesus than when we give people what they don't deserve. He says that phrase, "You'll be sons of the Most High."

In other words, people will recognize. I'm with my kids and they act a certain way and, "Oh, you must be Ingram's boy," or they've got all that blonde hair and they say, "Oh, this is one of Teresa's kids." Why? There is family resemblance. You have family resemblance to God when you treat people in a way they don't deserve, when you treat them just the opposite, when you love your enemies.

Then notice he wants to explain how God is kind. He says, "Be merciful," or literally the phrase is "Become or show mercy, just as your father is merciful. And do not pass judgment and you will not be judged. And do not condemn and you shall not be condemned. Pardon and you will be forgiven." All of a sudden God's saying—and I'm saying, you're saying—"Hey, this is not fair. This is chronic relatitus, and this person's a jerk at work, and he won't get off the couch, and she's not very affectionate, and this kid's been disrespectful, and they don't deserve it."

Jesus says: Do you want to break the system? Every relationship is a system. There is some sort of feedback relational loop that you develop with people. It is a system and you have a system going with them. Most of us are waiting for this other person to change. I want them to change and so we create ways that we think will help them change. Most of the ways are ineffective and negative. Nag, nag, nag. That doesn't work at home and it doesn't work at work. Or passive-aggressive behavior. I am going to figure out how to pay you back in subtle ways where it doesn't come out, but you really pay and I execute vengeance. That is what unresolved anger, passive-aggressive behavior does.

Jesus said all those ways aren't how you build relationships in the kingdom. You are powerless to change other people. When you get that, your light bulbs will go. You are powerless to change your wife, powerless to change your friend, powerless to change your husband, powerless to change your kids, powerless to change your in-laws, and powerless to change your boss. You are powerless in and of yourself to change anybody. The principle is: You can only change you. I can only change me.

But where is most of my focus in relationships? If my wife was just a little more this or that, it would be a great marriage. If my husband was a little more this or that, if my kids were, if my boss were, or if my fellow employees were. Even that person where I get coffee, if he or she was a little bit more this or that, my whole day would be a lot better. In fact, I am tired of hearing that guy whine every time I walk in here. You know what will change that? Not waiting for that person, but you changing. Give and it will be given unto you. You need time, give time. You need love, give love. You need a friend, be a friend. Give and it will be given unto you.

Then notice the dangers. The spiritual rationale is be merciful and don't judge. Because a lot of that too is we don't know what's going on inside of people, do we? Do we really know what's going on inside of that clerk? Or what's really going on inside even your mate or that disrespectful kid? We judge and come to conclusions, and we assume our perspective is the perspective. I actually have a little three-by-five card because I am so bad at this. Especially if you have some spiritual gift in the area of discernment, then what you think is you can read people.

I sit down with my wife, and I know exactly what she's thinking. She actually has a phrase for that when I come out with that tone of voice that knows exactly what she's thinking. She looks at me in her quiet, lovely little blonde hair and steel-blue eyes and says, "You can't read my mind and you don't know what I'm thinking. So please don't interrupt me and really listen to what I'm actually saying." I know it's a hard time seeing Teresa do that, believe me. She is sweet on the outside, as we used to say growing up, but she is very strong on the inside. I need that. My tendency is to think my perspective is the perspective.

In fact, in major conflicts, I've learned a little rule. I mean major, major conflicts, whether they be at work or at home or with a neighbor, and I realize this could really go south. Implications are really, really bad on this one. I start the conversation by saying, "Let's see if we can't get all the facts on the table. What I'd like to do is share my perspective of the truth that is not to be confused with reality. I'm not saying that how I'm seeing it is reality. What I'm telling you is this is honestly how I see it. I want to get that on the table and I would like you to tell me how you really see it. Then let's see if we can put those together. I won't assume that how I see it is the way it is, and would you just suspend judgment for just a little while and not assume that your perspective is the perspective?" Because otherwise, the only response you can have if your judgment, your condemnation, or your evaluation is the way it is, then if the other person disagrees, the only thing you can do is become defensive. What's that do? That takes the relationship farther and farther apart.

Dave Druey: You're listening to Living on the Edge with the message titled "The Only Person I Can Change is Me." We're nearing the conclusion of our larger study called Caring Enough to Connect: Building Bridges to Those We Love. If you missed any part, let me remind you that all of Chip's teachings are available anytime at livingontheedge.org. If chronic relatitus has you worn out with someone who's walked away from faith altogether, Chip highly recommends a book from his friend Aaron Pierce titled Not Beyond Reach: How to Share Jesus with the Young, the Deconstructed, and the Non-Religious.

It's a practical, field-tested guide that walks you step-by-step from friendship to real spiritual conversation to the gospel itself. We're happy to offer this valuable resource at a special price today at livingontheedge.org/offer. Programs like this are able to reach people right when they need it because listeners like you invest in the work. If this teaching has made a difference in your life, consider supporting Living on the Edge with a donation today so we can continue reaching people with the clear, transformative truth of God's word. We've made it easy to give online. Just go to livingontheedge.org or call and give over the phone by dialing 888-333-6003. You can also send your gift by mail to Living on the Edge, PO Box 3007, Suwanee, Georgia, 30024. Now here's Chip Ingram with some final thoughts.

Chip Ingram: As we wrap up today's program, we all have a variety of relationships. Every relationship, even good relationships, has mountain tops and they have valleys; they have challenges. I could sit down with you now having been married for over 40 years, and I could tell you about seasons when your children are really young, the teen years, and the empty nest years. There are peaks and valleys and very predictable challenges that bring huge conflict, and a number of couples don't make it through that. They get locked in and there is hurt and there is pain and your needs aren't met.

What happens is there is this absolute commitment that this person must change for this relationship to work. But the "this person" is not you; it's them. The problem with that is you have zero power to change your mate, you have zero power to change your boss, you have zero power to change one of your kids, and you have zero power to change your roommate. This principle has been so helpful to say the only person I can change, here's where it has to begin: with me. Even if in my heart of hearts it's 10 percent my problem and 90 percent their problem, the temptation is to focus on the 90 percent.

We were as stuck as you could be in our marriage in the early years, and we spent a couple years blaming dysfunctional ways to sort of try and make our marriage work. It just got to where it was impossible. I think we both got so frustrated, but the breakthrough came when we went to counseling and when we both accepted: The only person we could change was us.

So here's your application. Just today, pause right now. Think of the most challenging relationship and just ask this one question and make this one commitment. The question: Oh Lord, what do you see needs to change in me? Then what do you want me to do today? One step to give this other person what they don't deserve. How could I show kindness or grace even though I don't think they deserve it? You answer that question and act on it and you will see the beginning of change.

Dave Druey: Next time Chip continues this same message, showing us from Jesus' own words why you have to deal with your own heart before you can ever help anyone else with theirs. I am Dave Druey, and we'll see you next time here on Living on the Edge. Today's program is produced and sponsored by Living on the Edge.