Living on the Edge

Dave Deway: Today on Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram.

Chip Ingram: You know that little rhyme, sticks and stones can break my bones, but names will never hurt me? That is absolutely wrong. The fact of the matter is words can literally kill your soul. There is life and death in the power of words. We want to talk about how to deal with those wounds that you receive and how to stop them from coming out of your mouth and mind. That's today.

Dave Deway: Hello, I'm Dave Deway and this is Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram. We're continuing our series building authentic community, how to lift up those you love. Words carry more weight than most of us realize, and God takes them seriously. Today, Chip hands us the fix, five clear practical steps for changing the way we talk about people, including the hardest one, refusing to let somebody else gossip in front of you. Chip shares a story from an elders meeting that will change how you handle the next conversation that starts with I probably shouldn't say this, but Well, here's Chip with his message titled Why we wound others with our words.

Chip Ingram: Let's do some investigation on this passage now. Why is tearing others down by our speech and judgmental attitudes? Are you ready for this? One of the most serious sins mentioned in scripture. Underline that, will you? One of the most serious sins. I mean, you know, we think, you know, it's adultery, it's murder. Those are big. I'm telling you from God's perspective, speaking k down, slandering, leading people in a negative light is one of the most serious sins in all of scripture. And then he's going to give us two reasons. Reason number one, because it demonstrates total disregard and contempt for God's highest command to love one another.

You say, well, where do you get that? Look what the text says. Anyone who speaks against his brother or judges him speaks against the law and judges it. When you judge the law, you're not keeping it, but you're sitting in judgment on it. When we speak against or tear down or criticize or defame or gossip about someone else, what we do is we put ourselves in the role of judge. In other words, this is the facts. To be a judge, you really need to know all the facts, all the circumstances, people's motives, their hearts, what came before, what all the situations and circumstances could be.

And then based on all the knowledge and them and the other parties, you make a judgment. Who's the only person that knows everything about everything? God. Now say to yourself, well, aren't there some times where we're supposed to judge yet? Romans 13, civil authorities are to judge in civil matters. Well, aren't there times where there's a problem and I need to address it? Yes, Matthew 18. I need to judge not in judging the person's motives or what he's doing, but if I see someone who is sinning, my role is not to tell anyone else. What's Matthew 18 say?

I go to the person in a attitude of love and say, I observe this. I don't have all the facts. I'm concerned that your life and scripture aren't lining up. And knowing how much God loves you and knowing the reputation of Christ is at stake, I'm obeying Matthew 18:15 to come to you in love. So there is a role for judging, but what this is talking about is this is fault finding, condemning and judgment that condemns another as wrong in God's sight. This is judging another person's motives with the goal of lowering how people look at this person by what comes out of your mouth or what comes out of my mouth.

And what's the royal law? In James 2:8, he talks about the royal law. In Leviticus 19, we know the royal law. The royal law is what? To love one another. The second reason is tied barely closely to it. The second reason is because it reveals that we are in fact playing God. Means you're playing God. You say, where do you get that? Look at the text. There is only one lawgiver and judge and one who is able to save and destroy. But you, emphatic, who are you to judge your neighbor? And he purposely brings that word neighbor in because the royal law, love your neighbor as yourself.

Where are you usurping God's authority in his unique role as judge as lawgiver when we speak against someone else? To judge fairly, we must have comprehensive knowledge, know all the motives, all the facts, all the circumstances that led to the action and the behavior that we're critical of, and only God knows that. When when I begin to grasp how serious this was, I have begun to pray, oh God, will you begin to filter what comes out of my mouth? In fact, would you begin to stop things in my mind before they just unconsciously roll off my tongue?

Because when I just make a little innuendo, when I use a tone of voice, when I say something that's quote just my opinion, but I don't know the facts, and when I get done and someone thinks less of another person, when I've caused their their status and their esteem and their value to go down, I am kata against tearing down, speaking against them. And James says, stop it. We become the judge. That's God's role. We violate the most and highest important commandment is to love one another when this comes out of our mouth. The two most common areas I find that this happens in the church is number one, the rumor mill, and number two, gray areas.

I I don't know any organization that you can share something with one person within three days. And and if you want to make sure everybody hears about it, don't tell anyone. This is highly confidential. I mean, those those prayer chains, there's times I'm thinking for the real genuine good that the prayers do versus how much gossip goes over the lines, there's times I'm thinking maybe we got to just shut some of those down. By the way, gossip is passing on untested truth. If you don't know it's If you don't know it's 100% true, don't pass it on.

And by the way, we'll learn later, don't receive it. The other is there are gray areas, aren't there? Romans 14, we come from different backgrounds. I I was sitting with a guy who actually it comes from a family background and and they uh they make a a certain product that in this country many Christians think is not a good product. And he says, you know, it's kind of weird because obviously this product needs to be done in moderation, etc. But I was at this large church's denomination in Germany, and actually they served this product to all the leaders and to everyone because, you know, in Germany that's not the problem.

In Germany he was saying, but boy, if any of the ladies had a earring, man, I mean, they were just unspiritual. So we we have our backgrounds where certain groups think certain things about you worship on this day or you worship on that day or you can drink or you can't drink. You can drink in moderation, but never drink this way. You can watch this, but don't watch that. You know, you know, you can play cards, but only if the back of the cards doesn't have a picture on them. You can uh I mean, you know, all of our groups, don't we have a zillion things?

In Romans 14 says, if it doesn't violate scripture, then let each man be judged according, live by faith, and let that person give an account to God. And I don't mean we shouldn't have convictions. I I have very clear convictions on a lot of gray areas. I have learned and have and have come to determine there are certain things that I will do and certain things I will not do that that are gray. I mean, I don't have any commands, but those are my personal convictions. But what I've had to learn is other people who love God more than me may have different convictions.

And if I disagree with those and start talking down about them to other people, I've violated the royal law of love number one, and number two, I've judged them. And God says in Romans 14, who are you to judge the servant of another? Well, let's get to the solution side. How How do we break the habit of playing God? How How do we get out of this? It's very clear, very simple, but it's going to take a real strong conviction from your heart to get there. How do we break the habit of playing God? Step number one, develop convictions about speaking against others.

Write the word convictions. I don't mean beliefs, I don't mean intentions, I don't mean I'm going to really try harder. Develop convictions. A conviction is something that's deep in your heart and deep in your soul and you say, of all the issues in my life and that's you have convictions, I pray, about lying. You have convictions about purity. You have convictions about how you're going to raise your kids. Develop convictions about speaking against others. Matthew 7:1 and 2 says, do not judge or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged.

And with the measure or literally the basket or the scoop, the size of container that you use it will be measured to you. Now this isn't talking about legitimate judging of a church. This isn't about the judging of of the civil authorities. This isn't about confronting someone. This is about the kind of judgments where you don't have all the facts and you make assumptions and you judge them in your heart. But I tell you, look at Matthew 12 verses 36 to 37. I tell you that men will have to give an account on the day of judgment for every careless word that they have spoken.

For by your words you will be acquitted and by your words you will be condemned. I remember memorizing that verse and I got scared. I memorized it in a little bit different version. And And And it goes something like this where it says, you know, but I tell you every careless word that men shall speak, they shall render account for it in the day of judgment. For by your words you will be justified and by your words you'll be condemned. Every careless word. And all of a sudden the light started to come on. Ingram, I tell you what, you think there's these like big big sins and this is just a This is huge.

This is huge. I'm going to stand before God, you're going to stand before God, and the careless little words that put people down, that tear them down, that are sarcastic, that begin to look make them be seen in a negative light, that plant seeds of distrust and disloyalty in other people, that pit people on your side and do things that position you

Dave Deway: You're listening to Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram. We'll pick the message back up in just a moment. But did you know you can actually watch Chip teach, not just hear him? Head on over to YouTube, search Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram and hit subscribe. You'll find full video teachings there on marriage, parenting, leadership and a lot more. Ready to watch whenever it works for your schedule. Well, now here's Chip with the rest of today's message.

Chip Ingram: Develop convictions. The second thing, step two, ponder the consequences of your speech. We touched on this, but I wanted to put it right in your notes. Ponder the consequences of your speech. Jesus says the very last night on the earth, a new commandment I give to you, he says to his disciples, love one another as I've loved you. So you must love one another. It is by this that men will know that you're my disciples. How? If you love one another. Jesus' greatest commandment is love. His last prayer on earth in John 17, Father, make them one even as we are one.

I and you and you and me may be may the world see their what? Their unity. Words that build up, words that are encouraging, words that are inclusive, words that have to do with we are a team, we belong to God, not words that tear down. And so I have uh thought to myself, it's not about even the impact on me. When I bicker, when I have backstabbing, when I'm divisive, uh I break God's heart. I break God's heart and I undermine the very testimony of the church of Jesus Christ. That's why this is so serious.

Develop convictions, ponder the consequences. Third, refuse to buy the lie. That Remember that lie? That it's someone else's problem. There's a problem. This is why it comes out of my mouth. This is why it comes out of your mouth. Refuse to buy the lie that if someone else would shape up, then things would be all right. Notice what it says in Romans 12 uh Romans 2:3. So when you, a mere man, pass judgment on them and yet do the same things, do you think that you will escape God's judgment? See, it's not their fault necessarily.

Maybe it's partly their fault. But over and over, if so and so would do this, then things would shape up. You know, if my wife would just do this, if my husband would do this, if my kid would do this, if our pastor would do this, and if you buy that, I I will guarantee stuff will come out of your mouth that will be destructive because the assumption is you're the judge, you have all the facts, you you I mean, you would never say I'm the smartest, wisest person in the whole world in every relationship.

Would Would anyone just raise their hand and say, stand up in this room? I just want everyone to know right now I'm the smartest, wisest, most knowledgeable person who makes the best decisions about every area in every relationship and every circumstance at all times. Here I am. No one would stand up, would you? But when I judge and believe that the problem is completely the other person's fault and then stuff comes out of my mouth, what am I doing? I'm I'm I'm by fiat saying that's that's what I believe about myself. So develop convictions, ponder the consequences, refuse to buy the lie.

Step number four, refuse to let others gossip. Th- This is a hard one. I still remember the first time I watched this happen in my life, and it's still difficult for me. When someone starts sharing things that are inappropriate, even in your heart when you know it's inappropriate, it's kind of like what do you do? Um hey, do you realize you're sinning really big right now? Knock it off. No, that won't work. Um you know, you're a really mature Christian person that I like a lot, but you're acting like a jerk. No, that won't work.

Um get behind me, Satan. No, that won't work. You know. And so a lot of times someone is sharing stuff that's you know is inappropriate and and then you find your heads nodding. Guess when your heads nodding and there's some sharing something inappropriate, the message you are sending is keep it coming. I agree with this. So you think, oh okay, I'm going to hold my head still. Um and try and change the subject. You know what it takes? Takes courage. I was in an elders meeting uh early in my uh pastoral years and a godly godly man, guy named Bill Carter.

I'll probably talk about him a lot. God brought him to that church to teach me how to be a pastor along with other elders. Godly godly man. And we were his elders, you know, I think there were six or seven. We were talking about a situation and it was about a person and it wasn't a person in our church and it was a very clear situation and the conversation, it was talking just like people talk. It was winding around, winding around and I watched Bill get real quiet. And then, you know, it was winding around and developing and no one It's like I mean, no one has a problem.

These are godly guys. They all love God. We had hour of prayer and Bible study before we started. We're in the spirit and and and Bill says, excuse me, gentlemen. And everyone um my best understanding of scripture that our discussion of this person uh is inappropriate in that we are not a part of the problem nor are we a part of God's solution. And I think the definition of scripture with regard to gossip is passing on or dealing with information where we are not a part of the problem or the solution. You know, maybe it'd be a good time to stop and pray for this person and continue with our meeting.

Now I mean, you you got some power players on that elder board. You know, and I'm the young pastor going, ooh, I don't know if the bullets are going to fly or what's going to happen, but I'm just going to sit back in my chair and go, I wonder what's going to happen here, you know. And he just had the courage. He said it gently, he said it lovingly. And you know, in every dynamic of relationship you have people that are mature and have influence and power. And I'll never forget probably the other most powerful person.

I don't mean that in a negative way. I mean, it's by maturity and stature. He just turned and said, man, thanks, Bill. But we Gosh, guys, thanks, Bill. Let's stop right now. And what I learned was in a winsome way when people start telling you information, you can kind of put up the stop sign and say, you know something? Um I I know you probably are doing this from sincere motives, so you don't judge them, you know. Maybe it's not, but I'll tell you what, uh I'm not a part of this solution and I'm not part of the problem.

My best understanding of scripture um is that you need to go directly to that person. And this is inappropriate for you to share for the sake of Jesus and his church and for the sake of that person. So if you don't mind, could we talk about something else and give them an alternative? But you know what? When you start doing that, it's amazing how little people will gossip around you. And is there an uncomfortable moment? Yes. Is there a sting to this person? Yes. Guess what? That's good. It's like an antiseptic. It's like an antibiotic in the body of Christ.

And by the way, you do know that every church or every group has a what I call a garbage can. There is a person that loves to hear this and they keep the lid open and they ask these probing little questions and everyone dumps their gossip. Here's what you always have to remember. That garbage cans goes to another meeting and then they open the lid and they dump it out to other places. So be very careful not only how you receive, but what you share. Step number five, and this is a good one, talk less.

I I mean, really this is a discipline. Proverbs 10:19, when there are many words, sin is not absent. I like another translation, when there are many words, sin is unavoidable. But he who holds his tongue is wise. Notice what it says. This is a great summary. I love it here in the Living Bible of this passage. Don't criticize and speak evil about each other, dear brothers. If you do, you'll be fighting against God's law of loving one another, declaring it wrong. But your job is not to decide whether the law is right or wrong, but to obey it.

Only he who made the law can rightly judge among us. He alone decides to save or destroy. So what right do you have to judge or criticize others? Hasn't that captured what we've learned? Wouldn't it be great to just memorize that little verse or two right there out of the Living Bible? And can I ask you a question as we close? Is there anybody that you realize after hearing this message that you need to apologize to? Is there any person that you realize you have put in a negative light? And And this will not be easy, but I mean, it'll cleanse your soul.

That you may need to write a note to, have a breakfast with, or or a phone call. And what I've learned is it's really hard, but I've just gotten to where, you know, hey Bob, this is Chip. I was in a meeting yesterday and uh you know, brother, I'm really working on this, but in that meeting your name came up and I didn't say anything really bad or harsh or this or that, but someone asked a question and it came out of my mouth and this is what I said and it really cast you in a negative light.

I've gone back to tell those people that I'm sorry, but I felt prompted by God to tell you, brother, um I I want to keep short accounts. I'm very very sorry. It wasn't personal. It just sort of popped out of my mouth and I would ask you to forgive me. And I will tell you when you make that a practice, you'll find it's a lot easier to say less.

Dave Deway: You're listening to Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram and a message titled Why we wound others with our words. We're in a series called Building Authentic Community. And if you missed any parts so far, feel free to catch up anytime at livingontheedge.org and subscribe to our podcast wherever you listen. Just search for Living on the Edge. You know, every one of those five steps we heard today comes down to the same thing. This whole series keeps circling back to love isn't a feeling you wait around for. It's a decision you make with your words, one conversation at a time.

Well, that's the entire case behind Chip's book, I Choose Love. It's not a feel-good read. It's a practical biblical look at love as an act of the will you can start putting into practice today. Get your copy of I Choose Love at a special price today at livingontheedge.org/offers. You know, we hear from families all the time about what changes when teaching like this actually takes root at home. One couple wrote in to tell us that Living on the Edge helped save their marriage and that more than a decade later they're still listening together. Their 16-year-old son now listens too and is putting this same teaching into practice in his own relationships and friendships.

And friend, as a listener supported ministry, it's your giving that keeps Living on the Edge on the air. Give generously today and help a family like that one hear exactly what they need right when they need it. Give online at livingontheedge.org or call our team at 888-333-6003. You can also send your gift by mail to Living on the Edge, PO Box 3007, Suwanee, Georgia 30024. Well, now here's Chip.

Chip Ingram: What we talked about in today's message is very uh easy to grasp intellectually. I I mean, it's not difficult to say I'm going to develop convictions, I'm going to ponder the consequences, uh you know, I'm going to apologize if necessary. I'm just going to start talking less. I mean, if you really want to get a hold of your tongue and if, you know, the scripture says if you get a hold of your tongue your whole life um will really begin to fall into alignment with God's will. But emotionally my experience is what I just talked about.

I mean, it feels impossible and part of it is if the spirit of God is at work in your heart and my heart and we hear this teaching out of James, I can't imagine not having some people come to mind that you realize part of this is going to apologize to them. I mean, at the very end I talked about, you know, literally going to some people and talking to them or calling up and having a breakfast or writing a letter or a phone call. And here's what I have to say is that it is so difficult to do this that um you need to grasp the reality that often the greatest relationships you will ever have in your life will be birthed out of the moment of vulnerability when you humble yourself and say you're sorry.

And this is a bizarre picture that came to my mind as I was listening and thinking about this message, but I was a uh little boy about eight or nine years old and we moved into a new neighborhood and uh I had a brand new cowboy hat and it was felt it was really good and I saved up my money and this kid grabbed my cowboy hat and he put worms in it. I mean, it was you know, it rained and the worms had come out and he was a lot bigger than me and so we had this fight and I can still remember it, you know, it's like a movie, a ring of kids around screaming.

You know, I'm the tiny little skinny kid and he's kind of the big kid and he's sitting on me and I can't get him off and we're fighting and fighting and fighting and some parents come out and break us up and and um his name was Kevin. Kevin became my best friend. That conflict, that moment of him grabbing my hat and our parents forced us to apologize. Kevin King became one of my closest friends all my years growing up and it started out of conflict. You know, when you humble yourself, when you go to that person and you sow fear uh the things that might happen, I will tell you people feel safe with other people who own their stuff, who humble themselves and with their eyes watering say, you know something?

Um you're my boss or you're my maid or you're my sister or you're my friend. I said this about you and I'm so ashamed. Will you please forgive me? And I will purpose in my heart not to do that again. I will tell you your stock doesn't go down, your stock goes up. And imagine what God can do when grace flowing downhill as you humble yourself and own your stuff. Would you consider making the hard decision and doing what you heard God say as you heard the teaching today even though it scares you to death.

Dave Deway: Well, that's all for today. Join us again next time. You're on Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram.

Guest (Male): Today's program is produced and sponsored by Living on the Edge.