Living on the Edge

Chip Ingram: Today on Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram. Have a question for you: on a scale of one to ten, how emotionally intelligent are you? I'm going to start today's program with a story of how my lack of emotional intelligence literally almost destroyed my ministry. You don't want to miss it.

Dave Druey: Today on Living on the Edge, Chip Ingram opens 1st Timothy chapter four and builds the case that doing the right thing in the wrong way is still the wrong thing. Coaching tip number five from the Apostle Paul: no amount of gift or knowledge can make up for a lack of emotional intelligence.

Chip shares a story from his early years as a pastor that makes the point unforgettable. I'm Dave Druey, and we're in our series called You Can Make Disciples: Personal Coaching from the Apostle Paul. You can always revisit any of these lessons at livingontheedge.org. Well, here's Chip Ingram with his message titled, "Step Into!"

Chip Ingram: Coaching tip number five from the Apostle Paul, as he gives us some life coaching while he talks to that young man Timothy, is that no amount of gift or brains can make up for a lack of emotional intelligence. One of the dangers of getting really clear and very focused, saying, "This is what God wants me to do," is that you can run over people on the journey. You can be insensitive to what's going on around you. You can do the very right thing in the very wrong way or at the wrong time, and you can actually blow up what God wants to do.

I have so many illustrations of how I've done this. I don't know where to begin. But I was a young pastor in the southern part of the country. It wasn't until I went to this church I realized that people in America still had a concept of the North and the South. I didn't grow up in that world. It was a—and you've heard of mega churches—this is what was called a mini church. They had about 35 people on a good Sunday. That was a different world. Guns in the back of pickup trucks, guys wearing John Deere hats. When I would walk into the one and only restaurant at the time, they would whisper so that everyone could hear, "Hey, I think that's that new preacher boy."

So we started a little Good News Club at our house. It was very exciting. Pretty soon, this little Good News Club was almost as big as the church. So I thought it behooves me to pile all of them in a van or two and take them out to our Wednesday night service of six people who usually showed up. My wife, who's not a great disciplinarian of our own kids, has 12 kids in the next room creating unbelievable chaos as I'm the new pastor teaching these six people on Wednesday night.

I got a call the next couple of days telling me that "This is really not what we're looking for in our church." In my zeal to be heard instead of to hear, in my zeal to make sure they understood instead of starting with understanding, I made all the assumptions that this biased, prejudiced, racial, small town in the South, how could they? These kids, no one cares about them, but I care about them.

Was there racism? Yes. Was there bias? Yes. Had I built any trust? No. Was I arrogant and zealous? Yes. Did I assume that all the problem was the color of the kids instead of the fact that we could hear them bouncing off the walls in the next room? Yes. I'll never forget sitting in my driveway. He became a mentor and then to this day is a father figure. We've been close. We talk or text every week for the last 39 years.

He sat in the driveway with me and listened. He said, "Chip, I know you haven't lived in this part of the country, and I want you to know that you're right. There certainly is bias and racism and prejudice." He said, "But you know, sometimes you can win a battle and lose the war. These people don't know you. They don't trust you. And if I can say it in the nicest way possible, how you went about trying to solve that problem created as much or more problems than the one you wanted to solve."

"Young man, I am so for you, and there's such a bright future here. But you've got to understand there's a nuance and there's a way to introduce the right things at the right time when there's trust built. You don't know these people. And until you build some bridges with them, they're probably not going to hear." Some of the people that were the most—they were so angry when I brought those kids and talked to me about how the races don't mix in this part of the country.

I remember a guy that was as hardened—he was an amazing cabinet maker. I'll never forget watching Jerry with a little eight-year-old African American boy, him teaching him and watching how God changed his heart. That older man knew emotional intelligence is the ability to relate to people in a way where you understand where they're coming from and how to do the right thing at the right time and the right way.

I'd like to say that because of that one lesson, I've just been very emotionally intelligent the rest of my life. I have many more stories of where I've blown it, but I'm just going to let you sit on maybe a couple of your own. What the Apostle Paul is going to now say to Timothy is, "Okay, I said you've got to step up, right? Okay, Paul, I'm in. But then you've got to kneel down, you've got to step down, you've got to pray. Long term, you've got to develop character."

Timothy, what you've got to do is—and it can't be about just preaching messages—you've got to develop leaders. The two things that every pastor needs to know that you can never delegate is the teaching of God's Word, you're responsible for that, and you have to develop leaders. Everything else... and then he says, "By the way, you've got to set an example. You've got to live this out. You've got to be godly."

Then in chapter five, he's basically going to say, "Timothy, you're young, and there's a way to relate to people that's going to allow this to be successful because, like every church, I've gotten some reports. Some of the older people are a little concerned about you. It seems like there's been a couple of accusations about some false teachers, but also some elders. What I want to do is I want to help you learn how to relate in the right way to all the different people."

So if you'll open up to 1st Timothy chapter five, let's continue Paul's coaching to Timothy, and then we'll talk about the application to us. First, in the first two verses, he's basically going to say, "Timothy, in general, here's how to relate to everybody in the church. Do not sharply rebuke an older man, but rather appeal to him as a father, and to the younger men as brothers, to the older women as mothers, and to the younger women as sisters in all purity."

Do you hear what he's saying? Here's what I want you to get. Think through what is this older man saying to this younger man about a number of delicate situations because there are principles embedded about how to deal with some tricky stuff. So verse three: "Honor"—notice the word—"honor widows who are actually widows. But if any widow has children or grandchildren, they must first learn to show proper respect for their own family and to give back compensation to their parents, for this is acceptable in the sight of God."

Then it goes on: "Now she who is actually a widow and has been left alone and set her hope on God, and she continues in requests and prayers night and day. But she who indulges herself in luxury is dead even while she still lives." So he says, "Here's how to discern between the widows that are actually widows that need the church's help and those that are sort of playing us, if you will."

"Give these instructions as well so that"—notice he keeps coming back to this phrase—"so that they may be above reproach." In the early church, they were condemned from every side. By the government, it was illegal to be a Christian by this time. By Judaism, by the number of mystery cults. Over and over through this, he's trying to help this young pastor say, "Let's live lives and let's do life in a way so we're above reproach, so the Gospel's attractive."

"Give these instructions as well so they may be above reproach. But if anyone does not provide for his own, and especially for those of his household, he's denied"—are you ready for it?—"the faith, and is worse than an unbeliever." So now he's setting down some guidelines. "A widow is to be put on the list only if she's not less than 60 years old, having been the wife of one man, having a reputation for good works, if she's brought up children, if she's shown hospitality to strangers, if she has washed the saints' feet, if she's assisted those in distress, and if she's devoted herself to every good work."

Apparently, as things were developing, it was we just can't help everybody with any need. There are actual people, some think this might even be the birth of people who determined after their husband had died, "I'm going to commit myself and be in full-time Christian work, if you will." I'm sure that some sort of teaching over the years, probably this is where nuns and this idea that I'm going to be devoted to God.

As you follow the text, notice what he says: "But refuse to register younger widows, for when they feel physical desires alienating them from Christ, they will want to get married, thereby incurring condemnation because they've ignored their previous pledge." I think we think of a widow as just someone who lost their husband. It seems like there's a category of these widows who say, "In light of the ministry, I want to be fully devoted and I'm going to make some sort of vow along those lines."

"At the same time, they also learn to be idle"—speaking of those that are young and don't put them on the list too soon. Again, think of the principles: discernment, wisdom, emotional intelligence, thinking for the future. Then he goes on to say, "As they go around from house to house, not merely idle, but they also become gossips and busybodies, talking about things not proper to mention. Therefore, I want younger women to get married, to have children, manage their households, and give the enemy no opportunity for reproach, for some have already turned away to follow Satan."

Dave Druey: Stay with us, more from Chip Ingram in just a moment. This is Living on the Edge. Did you know Chip's teaching is also available on YouTube? It's a great way to go deeper or share a message with someone in your life. Just go to YouTube and search "Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram." You'll find complete video teaching series, Life Lessons with Chip, and content you won't see anywhere else. While you're there, hit subscribe so you never miss anything new. That's Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram on YouTube. Now back to today's message.

Chip Ingram: If you want to have some fun in 1st Timothy, read through it very fast and every time it says drifted away, fallen away, turned away, go through it and underline that in some color. Then if you want to have a little bit more fun, read through it again very, very quickly and anytime it has anything to do with godliness, values, character, underline that in another color. What you'll see is the themes through this book are very, very clear. Over through all the book, what he's going to say is, "Timothy, the big objective in life is this is the path. What you want to do is lead a group of people in such a way where how we live and what we say and what we do makes the Gospel attractive. Let's make sure we keep first things first."

"If any woman," verse 16, "who is a believer has dependent widows, she must first assist them, and the church must not be burdened so that it may assist those who are actually widows. And then when a person is an elder, when a person is given this entrustment and responsibility," notice what he says: "The elders who lead well are to be considered worthy of double honor, especially those who work hard at preaching and teaching. For the Scripture says, 'You shall not muzzle the ox while it's threshing,' and 'the laborer is worthy of his wages.'"

Make sure there's real respect to these people called to lead. He kind of pulls out this proverb about the ox and makes an application. Then he says, "Be careful. Do not accept an accusation against an elder except on the basis of two or three witnesses." You've got to be really careful that you really listen to complaints, but you also have to be equally careful that you don't assume just because someone registers a complaint or makes an accusation that it's true.

Then I love the balance of Scripture: "Then those who continue in sin"—in other words, two or three witnesses said this elder is sleeping with so-and-so, or this elder is pilfering the money, or this elder is acting this way at church, but you should see him out in the marketplace. Two or three witnesses are saying, "No, this is true." "Those who continue in sin," speaking of elders, "rebuke in the presence of all so that the rest also will be fearful of sinning."

Think of emotional intelligence. Timothy, be tender and sensitive with older men. Don't rebuke them. Timothy, with mothers, be tender and sensitive. Timothy, by the way, if people can take care of their own households and they're trying to mooch off the church, it's tough love. If someone makes an accusation against someone, listen, two or three witnesses, be discerning, get the facts. By the way, if it's really true, go public, share it, make sure. He's giving him this balance of how do you do relationships in such a way that, again, twice we've heard about being above reproach.

"I solemnly exhort you"—now Paul's going to go into his tough love—"in the presence of God and of Christ Jesus and of His chosen angels, to maintain these principles"—how?—"without bias, doing nothing in a spirit of partiality." How would you like to be getting this letter? Anybody who's been in leadership, you realize you have people that are popular in the group, people that aren't popular, people that everyone kind of likes and respects and people that other people don't respect.

You have people that are wealthier and people that aren't so wealthy. You have always sort of the kind of one or two people that extra grace required. You have people that really power up and they have roles and responsibilities. As a leader, how do you execute what's the right thing to do at the right time in the right way in all those relationships? And then if you didn't get the message, could the bar get any higher? "I solemnly exhort you." Where? "In the presence of God and of Christ Jesus and all the chosen angels." Tim's going, "Oh."

"These principles that I've laid out about relationships, you do them without bias and you do them without partiality. You don't let just because people have money or power or influence or gave to buy this or buy that, or they intimidate people. That's not what leaders do, Timothy." Then he gives him some warnings: "Do not lay hands upon anyone too quickly and thereby share responsibility for the sins of others. Keep yourself free from sin."

When you're overwhelmed in a job and it's just hard to breathe and you can't do it all, if you've ever been in this situation as an employer or a supervisor and you need to hire someone, when you are desperate, it is the absolute worst time to hire someone because no matter what you tell yourself, you will settle. You'll hire someone that is a quick fix. You get them in. Here's what I can tell you: the wrong person in a role, whether it's in a church, a ministry, or a company, the wrong person is way worse than no one at all.

What he's saying is don't try and bail yourself out by finding someone and sticking them in the spot. Then he's going to say why. I like verse 23. I'm not even sure why it's in here other than, "You know what, I've been pretty hard on you. Let me just give you a little personal encouragement. Timothy, don't go on drinking only water, but use a little wine for the sake of your stomach and your frequent ailments."

The sins of some people are quite evident, going on before them to judgment. For others, their sins follow after. Timothy, you've got to be really careful who you put in leadership because here's the deal: some people you put in leadership, they mess up and everyone knows they mess up. But some people go to their grave, and we don't find out about the damage or what's happened until later. It's devastating. Without mentioning any names, I think you can all think of some of the greatest Christian leaders in our whole generation, who in recent times revelations about their sexual indiscretions and have rocked, in this particular case, not the United States, globally.

What I can tell you is, for reasons God only knows, I've been in three church ministries in my life. In every one of those three, I followed someone who fell morally. I will tell you something: you can't fathom or grasp how long the ripples, the people who, "I can't trust God, I can't believe in God anymore. I believed in that person. If he did that..." A weak man in a weak moment under the right circumstances, beginning with me and everyone in this room and anyone who ever watches this, you can fall.

If David can fall, who can't? It's like watching a nuclear, emotional, spiritual bomb go off and then the radiation of it just goes on for two, three, four, five years. Some people never recover. So he's really warning him, "Timothy, just having the right doctrine doesn't make you a great pastor. You've got to have people skills. Hey, just being right doesn't make you a great leader. Just being right and having the right intentions don't make you a great leader, a great husband, a great father, or a great dad. Being right with the right doctrine, with the right intentions, with the emotional intelligence to know how to relate to people in a way that builds a bridge so they can hear and understand, and the truth be applied so it comes as a help and a support instead of a hammer that crushes."

Dave Druey: This is Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram, and a message titled, "Step Into!" It comes from a series called You Can Make Disciples: Personal Coaching from the Apostle Paul. Well, there's more coming up from Chip, so stay with us. And let me remind you that every message you hear on this program is available on the Living on the Edge podcast. And if you want the full-length version of what you heard today, find the Chip Ingram Sermon podcast wherever you listen. Complete sermons, start to finish.

The way you relate to people is ultimately a reflection of who you're becoming on the inside. And in his book, Yes, You Really Can Change, Chip asks the question so many believers feel: why does real change feel so hard? This series we're in is all about discipleship, and Paul is clear: we don't grow alone. We grow in community. So with every purchase of Chip's book, we're including an extra copy to give to someone who's ready to grow: a friend, a family member, someone you can read it with. That's the kind of community focus this series is all about. Look for the book Yes, You Really Can Change at livingontheedge.org/offers.

And if Living on the Edge has been part of your own story, if God has used this ministry to meet you, speak to you, or move you, we invite you to step up and give today. Your support is what keeps this Gospel work going. Give online at livingontheedge.org or call us at 888-333-6003. You can also mail your gift to Living on the Edge, PO Box 3007, Atlanta, Georgia 30304. Well, now here's Chip.

Chip Ingram: As we close today's program, I have a lot of things going through my mind and there's a lot of directions we could go. I think of the bias that I had I shared earlier where I was so self-righteous and I was so down on other people and I thought they so didn't get it. And the way I responded and the way I talked with them, literally, I think I just about lost all credibility apart from a very kind man who sat in my driveway with me and gave me some words of wisdom and confirmed that prejudice is wrong. Every group from every background, whether it's ethnic or racial or geographical, has our prejudice and bias. But the way to win them is not the way I was doing it with my bias and my prejudice and my self-righteousness.

And I'd like you to pause with me now and say, "How are we doing in the body of Christ? How do we talk to one another?" I think the world is looking at a fractured church that is revealing such incredible immaturity. Let's grow up. Let's be wise. Let's remember what matters most. Let's be people that speak the truth, agree to disagree where necessary, and then let's agree on the things that really matter. Lost people need Christ, found people need to grow up, and our communities need us to serve them and love them regardless of where they're coming from. That's what Jesus did, and we need to follow Him.

Dave Druey: I'm Dave Druey, and we'll see you next time when Chip Ingram shows what it looks like to step into the relational challenges in your life with wisdom, courage, and grace. That's next time here on Living on the Edge. Today's program is produced and sponsored by Living on the Edge.