Living on the Edge

Chip Ingram: What's behind the conflict in your relationships? Whether it's a co-worker, a spouse, one of your kids, a friend—when things aren't going right, what's at the core and how do you change it? Stick around. That's today on Living on the Edge.

Dave Druey: I'm Dave Druey, and this is Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram. We're nearing the end of a series called Caring Enough to Connect: Building Bridges to Those We Love. Today, Chip opens the Bible to Colossians Chapter 3 to unpack a principle that can diffuse almost any conflict you're facing, whether it's with a co-worker, a friend, or even your closest family member. What he shares is as simple as it is convicting, especially when someone has genuinely wronged you and forgiveness feels like the last thing you want to give. Let's join Chip Ingram with his message titled, "Right Relationships are Always More Important than Being Right."

Chip Ingram: My principle for you all is that right relationships are always more important than being right. My little disclaimer here: I'm not talking about moral issues. I'm not talking about theological issues. The issues are about your perspective, your circumstances, your rights, your opinion—being the way versus the other person's.

Open, if you would, to Colossians Chapter 3. There's a great context. I want to give a little running start to this one. In verse 12, then he says, "So then, put on a heart of compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience, bearing with one another and forgiving each other. Whoever has a complaint against anyone—just as the Lord forgave you, so also should you."

Beyond all these things that I've listed—compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, patience, and bearing with one another—put on love, which is the perfect bond of unity. What the Apostle Paul is saying is, "You know what? Right relationships really do matter more than being right." The only way you can live that way is if you know you're chosen by God, you are holy, and you're dearly loved.

Out of what you've already received, now he's going to talk very specifically about how you treat people. He says, "Put on a heart of compassion." I'm going to put on a heart of compassion and kindness. I'm going to put their needs ahead of my own. In this certain situation, I'm going to allow my rights to be under control to meet the need of someone else. I'm going to be considerate.

In case you didn't understand what he really meant and how specific he wanted to be, after the word "patience," he says, "bearing with one another." This is actually the faults and idiosyncrasies of people. Then it goes beyond that and says, "forgiving each other, whoever has a complaint against anyone." How would you like to work at a place or be in a family where there was a commitment by supernatural power that people said, "I'm going to put on a heart of compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience"?

Notice, honestly, then he says, "forgiving them." The word means to release, it means to let go. Notice the motivation: just as God has forgiven you. I think forgiveness is the hardest thing to do in the Christian life. When you've really been wounded, when it really is selfish, when it really is unjust, when someone has really done something bad to you, what do you want?

You want what I want: justice. Except for when it comes to how I want God to deal with me, right? She walked out on her husband. They took credit for that. They used our idea and then they copyrighted it before we could. That is wrong! We're going to sue their pants off! Justice, justice, justice.

The fact of the matter is the command is God wants me relationally to extend to others what has been extended to me. I will tell you that the older I get, the more I get so overwhelmed. God, I don't want justice, please. God, if you give me justice, oh my. I see things in my heart. Even looking back 20 years ago, I thought my motives were right, but looking back now, I was just one arrogant idiot. I don't want God to deal with me that way.

It has been the most profound motivation in my life to say, "Lord, I am willing to let go of my vengeance and lack of forgiveness and extend mercy because I certainly do not want You to treat me the way that I want them to be treated." Notice here, "whoever has a complaint against anyone." If that's not enough—those are pretty strong words to justify the principle that right relationships are more important than being right.

You have grown up in a world, by the way—American culture—where your rights are what matter. You have a right to that! You have been brainwashed to believe that you are so the center of the universe that you better defend your rights. Our knee-jerk reaction to almost any relational conflict is to exert our personal rights. But if you're really significant, so much so that you're chosen by God, if you're so accepted by Him that you're holy and without blame, and if you're so dearly loved that you're the object of His affection, you must be secure.

All that piddly stuff about who gets the parking spot and who goes through the light, or whether they were there at 4:30 or 4:35, or door B or door A, or whether dinner was supposed to be at this time or that time, or whether we agreed on spending money this way or that way—you need to talk all those things through. But most marriages that I've talked to—and I've done tons of counseling, unfortunately, and lots of them have ended in divorce—when I try and say, "Now, what was this argument about? What was this really about?"

It's amazing. They can't even remember. They can't even remember what started it. What started it was a very small thing, and two fleshly people like me and like you begin to exert their rights. Then what do we do? We just throw a little grenade over the wall, and there's a little explosion, and that hurts the person. They get hurt, and they throw a little bit bigger grenade over the wall. That hurts them, so they get a bazooka out and they shoot the bazooka over the wall. Then you bring a tank. Pretty soon, there's damage everywhere because everyone has exerted their rights instead of saying, "Probably a great relationship with my kids will matter more long-term than what time I picked them up."

Whether supper was at this time or that time, or it does bug me and I need to go through the right process, but whether that person in the company got credit for my idea or whether I get credit for it, God probably understands all that. He'll probably smile more on a great, loving, godly response. I'll trust Him to promote me more than the office politics. What that does is it gives you an incredible perspective and a power to relate differently to people. I think that's what it means to be a real disciple, a Romans 12 Christian.

Then if you wonder, "How do you know when it's resolved? How do you know if you're in the right spot?" Look at verse 15. It says, "Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called into one body, and be thankful." Why do we do all this? Forgive just as we have been forgiven. Beyond all these things, put on love, which is the perfect bond of unity. We belong to one another in the body of Christ. Loving each other and putting up with stuff so that we genuinely have right relationships is more important than my rights.

Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts. Literally, the word "rule" is "act as an umpire or arbitrator." If you're not sure, when you don't have peace in relationship with another person, it says let the Holy Spirit, that lack of peace, say, "Maybe you need to make something right with someone." All you may need to do is forgive them, or you may need to apologize, or you may need to write them a note. But he says let the peace of Christ act as an arbitrator.

Notice this little command because it's going to get repeated: "and be thankful." Sometimes we go through this and we start becoming the martyr. "I did the right thing, I'm not going to hang on to my rights, and boy, I'll tell you what, this situation sure stinks." We get this grumbling, complaining, whining attitude instead of "Thank You, Lord." Why should I thank God? Because conflict is not an exception in a fallen world. It's predictable and it's normal.

God has allowed conflict sovereignly to come into your life and my life to do one of two things: either help me learn something about me that I need to learn to grow and become more like Christ, or help me learn to love someone who's unlovable so I can become more like Christ and they can receive Christ's love.

Dave Druey: You're listening to Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram, and we'll get back to today's message in just a moment. But first, did you know you can actually watch Chip teach, not just hear him? Just get on YouTube, search for Chip Ingram, and hit subscribe to his channel. There you'll find full video versions of his Bible teachings, along with entire series on marriage, parenting, leadership, and a whole lot more, ready to watch whenever it works for your schedule. All right, now back to our message.

Chip Ingram: Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts and be thankful. Where do you get the resources? How do you do this? How could anyone live out these supernatural type attitudes? Well, let the word of Christ richly dwell within you. What's the basis then of how you relate to one another? With all wisdom. That's God giving you doing relationships His way. Teaching and admonishing one another with psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing with thankfulness in your heart again to God.

It's about the right relationship matters more than my own little turf and me getting my way. Whatever you do—just in case Colossian Christians you didn't quite get the point—whatever you do in word or in deed, which covers just about life, doesn't it? Do all in the name of the Lord Jesus. What's the other option? All in the name of getting your rights, all in the name of justifying yourself, all in the name that people need to know the real story, all in the name of about me.

Whatever you do in word or deed, do all in the name of the Lord Jesus. Notice the third repetition, and by the way, it's a command: giving thanks through Him to God the Father. I think this is one of the strongest relational passages in all of the New Testament. I think what it really says to us is, when I get violated and when I struggle and when life's unfair and when I'm that person at the coffee shop or in the park or at the mall pouring out my side of the story, I need to remember that right relationships on things that are not theological, on things that aren't moral, are way more important than my rights.

I'll give you three practical ways to put this into practice. Number one is refuse to see conflict as negative; instead, embrace conflict as God's tutor for learning and or loving others. A lot of us have just been ingrained: conflict's bad, conflict's wrong. "Oh, we got a problem, there's conflict! What are we going to do? It's terrible!" It's not terrible. If you think it's terrible, then life's going to be terrible. You're going to have conflict with your roommate, you're going to have conflict with your mate, you're going to have conflict if you have kids, you're going to have conflict with your grandkids, you're going to have conflict with your boss, you're going to have conflict everywhere.

If you unconsciously see conflict as bad and negative, then you are set up for being a defensive person. Conflict is normal in a fallen world. So choose instead of seeing conflict as negative, see it as God's tutor. Doesn't everyone want a coach? God said, "Well, I have a tutor, I have a personal coach, I have a way that every day of your life I'm going to provide sovereignly ordained and allowed opportunities to help you learn to become more like Me. And since it's a body, I'm going to use you to help other people experience My love."

What's it mean to love someone? Love is giving another person what they need the most when they deserve it the least at great personal cost. I don't want to do that, but that's what Jesus did for me. So conflict, rather than saying is negative, it's my tutor, it's my coach, it's my teacher. Now I've got a conflict situation. My first thought is "Oh, I'm threatened, I'm fearful. What's going to happen to me? About my security? What about my significance? Will I be accepted? Will I be rejected? What if I'm on the outside after this happens? What if this person leaves me?"

I am chosen. I am holy. I am already dearly loved. There's not a job, a circumstance, or a person on the face of the earth that has the power to make or break my life or yours. No one has the power to ruin your life that you don't let them. A mate can't, a kid can't, a grandparent can't, an organization can't. No one can ruin your life. You are chosen, you are holy, and you are dearly loved. You are on your way to heaven. You can have a few bumps in the road, but no one has the power to ruin your life that you don't let.

So do you say to yourself, "Well, wow, I guess God's going to teach me through this conflict about seeing something in me that I guess I didn't see before that He wants to change"? I don't wake up and read my Bible in the morning and wake up and say, "Oh, wow! I see a major area in my life, I just think I'm going to change. Everyone's seen it for 20 years and it's a blind spot and I never seen it but yippee! I see it today and I'm going to!"

Every major change has happened in my life has been that major change that needed to happen. I ran head-on to someone else's major change that needed to happen. It was in that conflict I saw stuff in me that I didn't want to see. But I got to see it to the point where it was so undeniable I came out of my denial and realized God wants to deal with that, Chip. You need to come to Me, you need to repent. Conflict is a tool in His hands to help you and to help me. The other is conflict has been a tutor where there are times, I think, that I have actually given someone what they don't deserve—or had some gentleness and some humility and some compassion and some forgiveness—that actually worked in someone's life whose life wasn't going very well. I can look back five or ten years later and say I got to be an instrument of grace.

I can list the people on my hand who in conflict have forgiven me and loved me and believed in me when I didn't deserve it, and they were an instrument of grace. So, practice number one is refuse to see conflict as negative; instead, embrace conflict as God's tutor for learning and for loving others.

The second practice is be willing to own 50% more of any problem in a relationship than you think is fair. That sounds crazy, but I literally, I'm just like big on that. I've had lots of conflicts and that's probably not a very good testimony but it's true. I've had lots of conflict and I have strong opinions and I have a strong personality.

I never did this before, but I always wanted to get it—I think maybe I've got 49.87% of this but over 50% is this guy's. What I realized is I always have huge levels of denial. Everyone does. When I found out, I just thought, "Okay, let's—I'm going to assume over 50% of the problem." I can argue and have division over "Now did we say 5:30 or 6:00 dinner? Now did you say we were going to do this or do that? Did you say the budget was going to be X dollars or X dollars?" You can work out the details, but just assume 50% more of the blame than in your heart of hearts you think you deserve and say, "God's bigger than this."

The more that I have learned to do that... because what we're afraid of is at the heart of it, it's an arrogance issue. We're so afraid that someone's going to think less of us, that our reputation is going to be decreased. What we're constantly trying to protect is our image and our reputation, rather than saying, "If God knows the truth, I'm not sure of the truth, why not just step up and say, 'I thought this much was my fault and my heart of hearts before God, I'm going to go ahead and take another step. I'm going to own this much. Will you forgive me for this, and will you forgive me for this as well?'"

I'm going to own mine, and you know what that does? It is amazing how that melts conflict because down deep people have a pretty intuitive sense of probably what they own. When someone is willing to take the step across the line to own more—and sometimes I'm probably thinking I'm owning more and probably I'm just right, it really is a good 50%—but I'm hoping it's like as only 35% and I'm giving about 15% grace. When you do that, I'm amazed that people can kind of see and they'll just basically say, "I'm not going to go there either." Then what happens is the right relationship gets to be the priority instead of who's right.

The final practice that's been very helpful over the years is ask yourself, "Why is it so important to be proven right or to get your way in a situation?" I don't like to ask that question, but what I found is with my wife and my kids and issues, I just found out... what is it? What is this little Energizer Bunny in Chip Ingram? "I gotta be right, I gotta be right, I gotta be right, I gotta be right!" At the heart of it is, I must not believe I'm really chosen. I must not believe I'm already holy, and I must not believe I'm already dearly loved. Because I gotta be right to prove to me and to prove all these people I'm really significant, I'm really secure, I'm really a somebody. I did all the work, I did the research, you gotta know this is right!

Well, what's behind all that? Just flesh, just ego, just pride. What kills relationships? Flesh, ego, pride. When you don't care about that—and I don't mean you don't care like you pretend it's not there—you own it reasonably, but if you back up and say, "Well, Lord? You know what's right. And I'm accepted by You." This little phrase has been so helpful: I really want and desire people's approval, but I don't need people's approval because I have God's approval.

Dave Druey: You're listening to Living on the Edge with a message titled "Right Relationships are Always More Important than Being Right," part of our series Caring Enough to Connect: Building Bridges to Those We Love. If today's message struck a nerve, maybe there's a relationship in your life that's needed some help, you can easily revisit this lesson anytime at livingontheedge.org. And if you'd like to catch every message in this series and get these daily lessons downloaded automatically, then be sure to subscribe to the Living on the Edge podcast wherever you listen. And to hear the original full-length sermons, subscribe to the Chip Ingram sermon podcast.

The kind of grace we discussed today, choosing relationship over being right, is exactly what it takes to reach someone who's walked away from church or never believed in the first place. That's the subject of a book by Aaron Pierce titled *Not Beyond Reach: How to Share Jesus with the Young, the Deconstructed, and the Non-Religious*. It's a practical field-tested guide that walks you step-by-step from friendship to real spiritual conversation to the gospel itself, without ever needing to win an argument to get there. You can get your copy of this valuable tool at a special price today at livingontheedge.org/offers. And if these teachings and resources are making a difference in your life, we invite you to become a monthly partner or simply make a gift right now. Just go online to livingontheedge.org or call us at 888-333-6003. You can also send your gift by mail to Living on the Edge, PO Box 3007, Suwanee, Georgia 30024. Now here's Chip Ingram.

Chip Ingram: As we wrap up today's program, we really were addressing the core behind conflict, and we all have conflict in relationships. Sometimes the conflict is the other person actually is doing things, saying things, acting in ways that are so selfish that they have the problem and they really ought and should change. But usually, it's not all them. I like to believe that honestly, and I know that you like to believe that honestly when we're in an argument or when we're hurt, or when we're talking to a friend and blaming: "It's all my husband's fault, it's all my spouse's fault. These kids, after all that we've done for them, look at what they're doing, looking how they're treating us. You know my boss, my supervisor, he's a jerk, she's a jerk, they did this, they did that." Does this all sound familiar?

What I want you to know is that so much of that is rooted in, down deep in my heart and down deep in your heart, with people we have to prove that we're okay. We feel that we have to be right because if we're not right, people will think less of us. We have to demonstrate that we're in control and we're an important person. I talked in today's teaching—and this has been a long journey for me—but believing that I don't need people's approval because I have God's approval.

Now let me just pause for a moment. You let that sink into your heart in the midst of an awful lot of conflict that really is about such trivial stuff. These are principles that change relationships. If you could get God's security and take down the walls and believe this truth and know that you're significant, you're secure, that even sometimes if it's so trivial, just let it go. Even if you're right, just let it go.

When you begin to grasp that I don't need to win the argument because sometimes winning an argument means I'm losing the relationship... I don't mean that you're a doormat, I don't mean that you just agree with someone all the time. But think of the conflict you're presently having. Think of the person that you're in conflict the most, and think of the self-talk that you have and how unconsciously or consciously you have to prove that you are right and they are wrong.

Could I tell you that Jesus laid down His rights? He didn't do it because He was weak; He did it because He was meek. It's called power under control. It's called "I don't need to win this trivial little thing, it's not worth it, because I already know who I am and who I am in Christ." Can I encourage you to let some of the little stuff go and to just give people the benefit of the doubt and realize, "I think I'm going to lose this trivial argument on purpose and smile and just move on and just see what happens"?

Dave Druey: Next time, Chip introduces a principle he calls "chronic relateditis" for that one relationship that just never seems to change. Don't miss this impactful lesson right here on Living on the Edge. Today's program is produced and sponsored by Living on the Edge.