Living on the Edge

Chip Ingram: Today on Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram, we all make mistakes in our marriages. We say hurtful things, we act in unkind ways, we create walls between us and the one we pledged to love until death do us part. When all that happens, how do you resolve failure and restore the peace? That's what we're going to talk about today. Stay with me.

Dave Drewy: What's something you're ashamed of? It's a hard question, but an honest one. I'm Dave Drewy, and today on Living on the Edge, Chip Ingram reveals why shame keeps us stuck: hiding, numbing the pain, or desperately trying to compensate. In our series Choosing Love, we've learned to serve, plan, and connect. But none of that works if we're carrying unhealed shame. Today, Chip takes us to John chapter 21 where Jesus restores Peter after his devastating betrayal. Here's the key: until you experience that same restoration, you can't fully forgive your mate. Well, now here's Chip Ingram with today's message titled, "Forgiving: How to Restore Your Peace."

Chip Ingram: As we get started, I'm going to ask you to answer a question, not out loud for sure on this one, but I want you to think honestly and very deeply. What is something in your past or in your present that you're ashamed of? We all have some things like that. We have shame for three major reasons according to the experts. One is a theological reason as we all have shame. The Fall. Remember after sin, what did Adam do? What did Adam and Eve do? They hid.

But it gets worse because it's not just shame that we inherit from the Fall, but it's shame from things done to us. Isn't it a weird thing that you can tell kids forever that it's not your fault? Kids who go through divorce blame themselves. Women and children that are abused blame themselves. People that are rejected unfairly have shame.

And then there's the third level of shame. It's things that we do. The affair, the addiction, the explosive anger, the cheating. When you're the abuser, crime, jail, prison, the abortion. The list can go on. There's about three natural responses. Response number one is to hide. Response number two is to numb the pain. And the other is to compensate. I'll prove to myself and to others somehow. And it can come out in workaholism or some way that you're going to prove and somehow balance the scales and do good for all the things that are hidden inside.

And yet here's what I want to tell you. It's one thing to be forgiven and I think most of you, I pray all of you have come to the point where whatever you've done and whatever you've recognized, you've come to a living God and said, "I know I don't measure up. I want to trust fully in what Christ did on the cross for me and He paid for my sin and I've received that free gift and I've invited Him into my life." But there's a difference between being forgiven and being restored.

There's a lot of people who have been legally forgiven. Your sins are forgiven, but you live as a second-class citizen or you're numbing yourself or you have big walls between you and your mate and other people. And it's not an accident that when you read John chapter 21, Peter, shortly the day of the resurrection, Jesus did a quick one-on-one with him. And He walked in a room with Peter and the disciples there and I'm sure He looked Peter in the eye. Yes, you betrayed me, you did it publicly, you were arrogant, and I think he got forgiveness, but he didn't get restoration.

He had this up here, "I understand this up here, but my life's a mess. I don't know what to do with my life. I don't think I've got anything going for me anymore." His shame was never dealt with. And in John chapter 21, Jesus sets up a unique situation to help Peter go from being simply forgiven to be restored because here's the thing. You can't forgive and connect with other people unless you forgive and get restored yourself.

So open your Bibles to John chapter 21. And as you do, let me give you the context. Jesus has appeared now twice officially to all the disciples. They were commanded to go wait for Him in Galilee. Think about it. It's familiar, it's safe, it's the home to a number of the disciples. It's where many of them were called into ministry to follow Jesus.

Peter, like many of us, is not very good at waiting. We know from Luke 24 that he's had an encounter with Jesus and I can't imagine Jesus not forgiving him in that moment. But he's still the leader because he decides that he doesn't know what to do with his life so he's going to default back to what he knows. Under pressure, we all default back to where we're comfortable and what we know. So he basically says, "I'm going to go fishing."

And the six other guys say, "Well, if you're going, I guess we'll go with you." We pick up the story, John 21. Afterwards, Jesus appeared again to His disciples by the Sea of Tiberias. That's Galilee. It happened in this way. Simon Peter, Thomas called Didymus, Nathanael from Cana in Galilee, the sons of Zebedee, James and John, and two other disciples were together. "I'm going to go out and fish," Simon Peter told them, and they said, "We'll go with you." So they went out and got into the boat, but that night they caught nothing.

Early in the morning, Jesus stood on the shore, but the disciples did not realize that it was Him. He called out to them, "Friends, have you any fish?" Literally the word is lads or children. It's a term of affection by someone a bit older and a bit wiser. "No," they answered. He said, "Throw your net on the right side of the boat and you will find some." When they did, they were unable to haul in the net because of the large number of fish.

Then the disciple whom Jesus loved, John, said to Peter, "It is the Lord." And as soon as Peter heard him say, "It is the Lord," he wrapped his outer garment around him for he had taken it off and he jumped into the water. And the other disciples followed in the boat, pulling the full net of fish for they were not far from the shore, about a hundred yards. When they landed, they saw a fire of burning coals with fish on it and some bread.

Jesus said to them, "Bring some of the fish that you've caught." Simon Peter climbed aboard and dragged the net ashore. It was full of large fish, 153, but even with so many, the net did not break. Jesus said to them, "Come, have breakfast." None of the disciples dared to ask Him, "Who are you?" for they knew it was the Lord. Jesus came, took the bread, gave it to them, and did the same with the fish. This is now the third time Jesus appeared to His disciples after He'd been raised from the dead.

Now notice first of all, Peter has gone back to where he's comfortable, dealing with the life the only way he knows how. Jesus picks an opportune time and He's going to have a conversation. Notice the conversation doesn't start with, "Hey, let's go deep right now." And by the way, this isn't a little betrayal. Remember this is the guy in front of his buddies, "Hey, they all might desert you, not me." Except instead of betrayal, what's He doing? Come and have breakfast. I'm for you.

All the fear, all the arms crossed, all the sense of shame, you don't measure up, you're a loser, how could you betray me? It's not that, it's, "Let's eat some fish." There's conversation. And long before there were experts of psychologists, Jesus is walking him back through the very journey, but this time it's with grace. This time it's with, "I understand." This time, "Yes, you're fallen. Yes, you betrayed me. And yes, I love you and it doesn't define you." But He doesn't stop there because it's not enough to relive the experience. Psychologists can do that with us. Only God can do what happens next.

Dave Drewy: You're listening to Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram, and there's more coming up in just a moment. If you missed any part of today's message, or if you'd like to share it with a friend, you can find it anytime online at livingontheedge.org. And while you're there, you'll also discover a full library of Chip's teaching series, small group resources, and practical tools to help strengthen your relationships. Take advantage of all we have available at livingontheedge.org. Well, now back to our message.

Chip Ingram: When they finished eating, Jesus said to Peter, "Simon son of John, do you truly love me more than these?" "Yes, Lord," he said, "You know I love you." "Feed my lambs." Again, Jesus said, "Simon son of John, do you truly love me?" And he answered, "Yes, Lord, you know I love you." And Jesus said, "Take care of my sheep."

The third time He said to him, "Simon son of John, do you love me?" And Peter was hurt because He asked him a third time, "Do you love me?" And he said, "Lord, you know all things, you know that I love you." And Jesus said, "Feed my sheep." Then He goes on to tell him, "I tell you the truth, that when you were younger you dressed yourself, you went where you wanted, but when you were old, you will stretch out your hands and someone else will dress you and lead you where you do not want to go." And Jesus said this to indicate the kind of death in which Peter would glorify God.

Then notice, don't miss the next line. Then He said to him, "Follow me." Remember the last time He said, "Follow me?" Peter, you're back on the team. And then how many times did he deny Him? Three. How many questions does he get? Three. Do you think it's accidental? Now scholars will tell you and many of you probably heard messages, it's interesting. The first two times He says, "Do you agape me? Do you agape me? Unconditional, full court press, love me unconditionally."

And Peter answers, "You know the facts. I love you." "Do you love me the way you claim to be, agape?" Peter answers, "You know the facts." Then finally, Jesus changes it. "Do you phileo me? Do you love me like family?" You know when you love like family, you mess up in families, don't you? Families are where it's safe to mess up. Families are where we accept that one another are human. He says, "Do you love me like a brother?" And like brothers and sisters in families, we're going to give it our best shot and there's going to be times where we let one another down.

But when we do as families, you come and you own your stuff and you say I'm so sorry and it's not an end to it. And Peter interestingly changes and he says, "You know, ginosko. You know by way of experience. You look into my heart, you know my journey." And so his first assignment is, "I want you, because of what you've now experienced, I want you to be vulnerable and tender with people that are vulnerable. Lambs. I want you to feed them."

Second time, "I want you to take care of my sheep." It's leadership. I want you to be responsible. And then finally, "I want you to feed my sheep. I want you to be the kind of leader that I called you in the very beginning and that these six men that are around this fire are looking you to be and I want you to follow me with your head up because you're not only forgiven, you're restored." And that broken betrayer had to relive his moment, the worst moment of his life, but he received both truth and grace and it brought healing inside.

And that's what some of you need. Notice in your notes, the principles. Three principles flow out of this passage for us. The first one is Jesus meets us where we are. Second thing that comes out of this passage is He gently demands that we face the truth about ourselves. Did you notice? He was as gentle and he had a meal and he reminded him, but did you notice it wasn't words of condemnation? They were questions of discovery. The third principle that comes out of this is that He affirms, Jesus affirms our value and our worthiness by commissioning us to service.

It's one thing to hear words. It's, "I want to use you." He wants to use you, your horrendous difficulty, experience, betrayal, sin, a lie that you committed, a crime that no one knows about. I always wish sometimes, especially in church, when people look so cleaned up on the outside. I get to know them all through the week and I would just love if their top five sins without their names had this huge board behind me and all of our sins go up in multicolored lights. Wouldn't that be cool?

And then maybe have, how they do those visuals, where maybe red would come over and it would be the blood of Christ and the cross would emerge and it would just go down through and cover them. And then we would look at each other and say, "I guess we don't have to pretend anymore. I guess we can just be ourselves. I guess we're all now saints, children of God, forgiven, with wounds and scars and pain and difficulty and brokenness." And what if God actually causes His power to be perfected out of our brokenness and out of our hurt and out of our failure? Because that's where He takes us and puts us on the mantle of His grace.

Practical implications, and this gets to your marriage, is that you can't forgive your mate until you've received both forgiveness and restoration. There's something I don't know about the human psyche. When you've got unresolved issues in you, when it's the classic parable, the log in your eye, the speck, right? It is amazing when we have stuff inside, it is so easy to see in someone else. And the person that lives close to you, you nag and she does that and he does that and he's like that.

A lot of our anger and a lot of that outward focus is because of the big log that we don't deal with. And you would be shocked at what would happen if you received both God's forgiveness and His restoration, how that would allow you. Remember what Jesus said to the disciples? Freely you've received, freely give. But see, if you haven't deeply and fully received, you're pretty judgmental. You're pretty high on the truth and the judgmental instead of the mercy.

I don't know if you pray the Lord's Prayer. I pray it often when I wake up. I kind of go through Psalm 23 before I get out of bed and I ponder what that is and then phrase by phrase often as I lay there because I want to, before I get bombarded with email or thoughts or problems, I want to, "Our Father, God, you're my Father today. You're in heaven, you're a sovereign God. Holy, I want your name to be cherished in my mind and my thoughts. Give me this day what I need, just not just physically but the daily bread of truth and everything. Forgive me of my sins, please, today as I forgive those who trespass against me."

Lord, please, you know the meetings, you know the places. Guard me and lead me away from temptation. And I pray through that, but one of the big prayers is you're going to forgive as you have been forgiven. For some of you, the reason you're so critical and you can't resolve conflict in your marriage is you've got stuff. You're holding on to all kind of stuff. You must learn to receive and grant forgiveness as a regular rhythm of your life.

And if you'll turn on the back of your notes, I want to give you a tool. Ephesians 4:32. You'll need to look that up, I highly encourage you to memorize it. But be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another also, just as Christ forgave you. Be kind. Here's the key: tenderhearted. Forgiving each other how? Just as Christ has forgiven you. You know how He forgave you? Exactly the same way He forgave Peter. And until that happens, you will not release and forgive your mate.

Dealing with your own guilt and shame. What do you need to do to fully forgive your mate and put the past behind you? You can write this under here: deal with your own guilt and shame. I don't know what that looks like and it might be a tough journey in many cases. It'll require some professional help. Second is experience God's forgiveness and restoration. Only you know where you're at on that. And then as you do that, freely give what you've received.

The reason I don't want to forgive my wife or anyone is I feel like if I forgive them, I'm letting them off the hook and I want them to pay for what they did to me. At the heart of the lack of forgiveness is vengeance. And God says, "Vengeance is mine, I will repay," says the Lord. "If your enemy is hungry, feed him. If he's thirsty, give him a drink. Do not be overcome with evil, but overcome evil with good." That's the end of Romans 12. And when you can realize, ask, has God given you what you deserve? And you think, oh no, He's been merciful. Then you can't turn around and do anything but give mercy first to your mate and others what they don't deserve.

Dave Drewy: This is Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram. Today, we heard how Jesus didn't just forgive Peter. He walked him through complete restoration, affirming his value and commissioning him back to service. Chip will share one final thought in just a moment. And speaking of restoration, Chip's newest book, *I Choose Love*, addresses the heart of what we discussed today. This biblical love from Philippians 2 frees you to extend genuine forgiveness and mercy to others. It's the kind of love that transforms your ability to restore relationships. If you're ready to move beyond shallow definitions of love and experience the depth of biblical agape love, order *I Choose Love* today by going to our website, livingontheedge.org.

Messages like today's reach millions of people because partners like you invest in life-changing biblical teaching. Your support helps people break free from shame and experience the restoration that transforms marriages. Will you join us in this mission? Support this work today by giving a donation online at livingontheedge.org or write to Living on the Edge, P.O. Box 3007, Atlanta, Georgia 30324. You can also call 888-333-6003. Don't miss the Chip Ingram sermon podcast, a new feature on the Living on the Edge podcast. Every sermon complete and unedited, now available alongside our daily broadcasts. Subscribe to the Living on the Edge podcast today. Well, now here's Chip.

Chip Ingram: Before we go any farther in today's broadcast, I want to pause. I want to talk to those of you who feel exactly the way that I ended this teaching time with: ashamed, you won't let people in, you've failed. I'm speaking to those of you that are in a crisis in your marriage. One of you has been caught with pornography or you've had an affair or you've lied to your mate and shame and all the emotions and the betrayal and the hurt. And if you could turn back the clock, you would do it in a minute and you're so sorry but you feel so stuck. You feel like there's no hope.

I want to remind you that Peter felt exactly that same way. That Jesus is modeling, "This is how you treat the people that you love. You don't gloss it over, you don't pretend it didn't happen. You walk back through that process, but you walk it through with grace, with understanding, with forgiveness." You need to fully and completely receive that yourself. If you're the one that blew it big time, let me encourage you. Go to your pastor, go to a really good Christian counselor and walk through and work through this process.

The Bible is filled and history is filled and my ministry of over 35 years is filled with people who blew it in such big ways but who received God's forgiveness and He actually took their mistake and in His grace and kindness literally has the power over a journey that you'll walk through to bring healing, to bring restoration, and you will actually find yourself in the years to come being a conduit of life and of grace to those who feel like there's no hope for them.

Could I encourage you in this moment? Cry out to God, ask for His help, allow your mate in, get the help that you need, do the hard work that it will require, but understand this. Your mistake cannot define you. Failure is never final because we live with a God of unconditional love and grace that is beyond anything you can imagine. Don't give up. In our next broadcast, I'll give you some very, very practical and specific steps to go through this process. Until then, God bless you and keep pressing ahead.

Dave Drewy: I'm Dave Drewy, and we'll see you again tomorrow as we continue learning the powerful difference between forgiveness and restoration. That's tomorrow on Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram. Today's program is produced and sponsored by Living on the Edge.