Living on the Edge

Chip Ingram: How often do you and your spouse really talk? How often with your husband or with your wife do you have a heart-to-heart conversation that you walk away and say, "Wow, such a deep connection. That was wonderful"? If you want help in having more of that, then stay with me.

Dave Drewry: Most marriages settle for techniques and self-help tools to improve compatibility, but real transformation happens when you stop living for God's approval and start living from it. Today on Living on the Edge, Chip Ingram shows how believing your true identity changes everything about how you love your mate.

You're already chosen, holy, and deeply loved. When that truth sinks into your heart, you'll naturally dress appropriately, putting on compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. It's not about performing better. It's about understanding who you already are in Christ. Here's Chip Ingram with his message, Effectively Communicating God's Love to Your Mate.

Chip Ingram: Our text is Colossians chapter three, verses 12 through 17. And it starts out with what we already possess: "So, as those who have been chosen of God, holy and beloved, put on a heart of compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience." So, putting on a heart of compassion: compassion is empathy to action versus being cynical. You talk about something that'll change your marriage more than any technique or any skill, you start putting on a heart of compassion.

The second, he says, "put on a heart of kindness." Kindness is whatever is helpful, beneficial versus being critical. Third is humility: means putting their needs first. The next is gentleness: it's strength under control, especially your emotions. It's the opposite of being harsh, demanding, those looks that say to your mate, "Did you do that again?" The look that says, "Don't you ever do anything right?" to one of your kids. It's gentle. It's approachable.

Put on a heart of patience: it means to endure with a good attitude. Second Peter 3:9 says, he was talking about, "He's coming back," and everyone goes, "Yeah, yeah, right. He's coming back. You've been saying that for a long time." And Peter says, you don't understand. God is not slow as some think slowness, for to him a day and a thousand years is the same. He is patient, *makrothymos*. Can you hear the two words? *makro-thymos*. Heat. It's dispersed. He wants all to be saved, to all to come to repentance. It's putting up with, enduring, one more time, one more time. I'm not going to give up. We're going to keep working at this.

You know, the greatest question you can ask yourself every single day—you might write this down—is: what does it look like to trust God in this situation? That's faith. Patience. I'm going to give you just a little tool. You can write it at the bottom of the page. I call this little tool, "I know you really care when." Okay, just write that: "I know you really care when."

Because some of you are thinking, "I want to be compassionate, and I want to be gentle, and okay, Chip, I really want to be all this, but I'm not sure what it would look like. I can't read her mind. I can't read his mind." Here's what you do. There's a little column, and if you're a husband, you write, "I know you really care," speaking to your wife, "when you..." one, two, three. Just write the top three. You can go five if you want, but I mean, give her a break. Just write, "I feel loved when you," and just write the top three things that when she does them, you feel loved.

Ladies, you write, "Here's the top three things." You can go four or five. "I feel most loved when you," and just write them, and then just exchange lists. We've made this whole thing about it has to be so spontaneous and "if he could read my mind" or "if she would only know." I did this with my wife. We were struggling. The counselor gave us this tool. Everything I give you, I got out of counseling.

So it's like, okay, here's the top thing: when you take out the trash, when you help with this, when you help with the kids' homework. I'm thinking, "What in the world has this got to do with love?" And finally I said, "It doesn't matter what I think. If this makes her feel loved, guess what? I love her. Guess what? I made a vow. Guess what? I'm committed to her." So she made a list, and I just decided I'm going to do at least one of those things every day. If nothing else, at least she is going to get loved by me with some compassion and gentleness and vice versa. Try it. You'll like it.

Okay, shift the page, because what I have said to you so far can only happen if something else happens. This is the clothing metaphor. That word "put on, put off, put on, put off." Here's what you need to get. You cannot put on the new until you take off the old. Notice what he says here. The clothing metaphor is crucial to biblical communication. Old clothes must be taken off. Open your Bible if you're not already there. We're in Colossians chapter three, and after he says to set your mind on the things above, he says, "put to death"—I'm in verse five—"whatever belongs to your earthly nature."

Well, what's that? Sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil desires, greed, which is idolatry. Why? Because of these, the wrath of God is coming. And then he reminds them, like he reminds us, you used to walk in these things in the life that you once lived. Now get this. Here's the new: "But now you must rid yourselves of such things as anger, rage, malice, slander, filthy language from your lips. Do not lie to each other." Why? "Since you have taken off"—it's a metaphor—"your old self with its practices."

But that's not the end of it. "And have put on the new self, which is being renewed"—mind renewal—"how? In the knowledge, in the image of its Creator." You have to take off the old. Old life of anger, logging on to porn, flirting with other people, spending money I don't have, yelling, screaming, abusive language, wanting my own way. Get rid of it all! That's what he's saying. And put on. Put on the new self. It's a journey. It's a process. You renew your mind.

You ask: Who are the people in my life that keep pulling me that way? What am I putting into my mind, whether it's on a video, whether it's Netflix, whether it's porn? Whether it's a relationship that keeps telling me, "Hey, why don't you come with us and do this?" Whether it's a temptation. Do you remember the passage where Jesus said, "If your right eye is causing you to sin, pluck it out"? Remember that one? Now, some people took that literally, which is very foolish because if you pluck out your right eye, I've got news for you: you can lust with your left.

If your right hand causes you to sin, what'd he say? Cut it off. Well, I got news. You can still steal with your left hand. It was an idiomatic expression, but here's what he was saying: you be as radical as you need to be to take off the impurities and the things that pull you away from first the Lord Jesus and second from your most important relationships. Now, let's get real positive because many of you are very convicted right now and you know what you need to put off. So I'm not going to take you off the hook.

But don't go to bed tonight—you hear me?—this is an order from the Commander-in-Chief of the universe. And it's not because he's mad; he wants to rescue you. Listen to him. Do what he says. But here's what I want you to get. The new self requires new clothes. Here's the principle: who we are determines how we dress. Now, all of you, we're a bride. Do you remember that day? You were the bride. So because you were the bride, how did you dress?

How did you dress? I mean, you spent at least four hours. I still remember. I had three boys and a girl. So I've only had one wedding where I got really inside. I mean, my lands, they did her hair, they did her nails, they did the dress. It was like a four or five-hour getting ready. Why? Because she wanted to be beautiful and awesome for her husband. Who you are determines how you dress. Who are you? You're a daughter of the living God. You're a son of the King of Kings and the Lord of Lords.

So how do you dress? You dress in a way that's appropriate. I want you to imagine in your mind's eye—and maybe some of you have been there—but you're going to receive the distinguished Medal of Honor. How would you dress for the occasion? Jeans, flip-flops? I don't think so. See, you dress. That's why I can give you tools galore. I can give you all kind of techniques, and there's a place for them. Until you start to believe that you are chosen, that you are set apart and holy, and that you're deeply, powerfully, unconditionally loved, you'll never dress that way.

The great majority of Christians are living for God's approval instead of from God's approval. And the difference is night and day. When you live from God's approval, it's—when I carry that money in my pocket or when I choose to do things for Theresa, I'm not doing it because God goes, "Okay, on the big refrigerator in heaven, hey guys, three more stars for Chip." It doesn't work that way.

When I do something like that, it's, "God, you've been so kind and so compassionate and so patient with me. You have so humbled yourself to stoop to die in my place. You have been so gracious to cause your Spirit to dwell inside of me, to guide me. You have in supernatural ways provided access where I not only have the mind of Christ, but you've given me your word. And you've told me that if I come to you, you'll renew my mind and you'll make me more and more like Jesus."

As I soak that in, what happens? From God's approval, you love. I have been on a journey for 40 years to try and believe and feel and accept that God loves me for me. Some of you grew up in homes like I did. My dad's idea of love was: you went three-for-four, what happened? "Chip, how many times have I told you? When that curveball comes on the inside, you step in the bucket. That's why you ground it out to the shortstop. Come on, son! Step it up!" Four A's and a B. "Son, give me your report card. What happened here?" Now, he loved me and he thought that would help you. I got one degree. "So when are you going to get your master's?" Got that degree. "When are you going to get that? When are you going to get that?" I finally came at about 35. I will never live up to my dad's expectations. And somehow I translated that to: that's how God was. And he's not.

Dave Drewry: You're listening to Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram. We'll continue with Chip's teaching in just a minute. The message you're hearing today is part of our series, Choosing Love. If you want to dig deeper into these powerful principles, the complete series is waiting for you online at livingontheedge.org. You'll discover additional teaching, downloadable resources, and study questions to help you apply these truths. Visit us online at livingontheedge.org. Now let's get back to the message.

Chip Ingram: God loves you for you. If you never did anything, he loves you. He died for you while you were still a sinner. While you were his enemy. So here's the problem: we have settled for techniques and self-help tools to change how we speak and to modify our emotions and behaviors to improve compatibility. I think so much of what we do in our marriages is: how do we get along better? Rather than focusing on the deep-rooted transformation of our hearts, which empowers us to give life-giving love of Christ to our mates. That's where the real action is.

The solution is threefold. Number one, don't buy the lie: I am what I have (possessions); I am what I accomplish (performance); I am what others think of me (popularity). Most of us at some level live with an "if-then, if-then." If I become, then I'll be a somebody. If I possess, then I'm a somebody. If I get a higher rank, if I make more money, if I drive this kind of car, if someday I can, if so many people have liked on Facebook, if I finally get my own... lie, lie, lie, lie, lie.

I live in the Silicon Valley, and for reasons I don't understand, I've discipled a lot of people that are the wealthiest. I mean, I know three billionaires. I have never seen people with so much money and so much sorrow. Who really thought that when they went public or when they had a few million or 10 million or 100 million or a billion, and you know what? It doesn't matter. The human heart. I've literally sat in a room with someone who was worth over a billion dollars and said, "I just don't feel comfortable giving if my cash flow goes down between 500 million."

And I just thought, "The deceptive of the human heart." And before I got very judgmental, God said, "What's your number, Chip?" Because I have one and you have one. All I want you to know is that it's a mirage. Don't buy the lie. You're already valuable. You matter. Those things are things to steward.

Second, dress appropriately for your mate. Jim Burns is a counselor, a teacher, a friend, and he says, "Practice AWE: Affirmation, Warmth, and Encouragement." This is what to do with your mate. And this is just a good little acronym. Do you understand that for every negative comment, your mate needs about 10 positive ones? Ask yourself, "How much affirmation?" And I don't mean Polyanna, making stuff up, but I mean affirming your mate. And warmth. There's an atmosphere that's acceptable, that's caring.

You know, so often for some of you, like on your way home or just before, I don't know how it works, who works where and does what, but before I walk in the door, I have a little process I go through driving on the way home. I need to get my mind because I'm thinking this, this, this. Okay, I'm going to walk in. Okay, where's her day been today? What did she do? Where's she going to be at emotionally? And what does she need the moment I walk in the door? And you know how I learned that? By not doing that, a lot.

The people that your husband's working with, or vice versa, they come put together. My wife created this atmosphere of warmth, of acceptance. And then encouragement. How do you lift them up? You know, a little act here: "Hey, is there anything I can do to give you a hand?" I found—are you ready for this?—I found out of the counseling that running the vacuum was one of the most romantic things I could ever do. I'll tell you what. If running the vacuum a few times means we have a romantic night, "Hey honey, give me that Hoover, baby!" But we all get loved in different ways. Heart of compassion, kindness, humility.

And then, we're going to wrap it with this: have at least two couples conferences per week. I paid a lot of money for this, and you get it for free, so you don't have to say thank you right now. But here's a conference. We didn't know how to communicate. Okay, I want you to imagine, here we go, here we go, here we go. You're going to do this today. You sit like this, your mate sits like this, you make eye contact, you lean forward, and as the man, you say, "What are you concerned about?" And then visually put duct tape over your mouth and lean forward.

Ladies, here's what you do: anything that comes to your mind. Doesn't have to be... "I'm concerned about one of our kids, I'm concerned about our relationship, I'm concerned about, we don't have enough money, I'm concerned about your mom's health." Ladies, just until you can't think of anything else. Guys, hang in there. They get shorter after a while. And then when you're done—and by the way, men, say nothing. The only thing you can do is nod and say, "Anything else?" Okay, that's it. If you fix it, so help me, I'll knock you out.

So then she says, "What are you concerned about?" And don't give her, "Not much. Everything's okay." She's been hearing that for years. I want you to sit there and go, "Well, I'm concerned I might get deployed. My supervisor, I think it's an unfair situation. I'm concerned about one of our sons. I'm concerned about our money too. I don't know if my mom's going to live or not."

And then second question, you say to your wife, "What do you wish?" And by the way, again, it can be, "I wish we'd win the lottery, I wish we could be relocated, I wish our marriage would be 10 times better than it is now." Be easy on that one. "Whatever I wish. I wish we could go to Disneyland, I wish we'd get a check in the mail for $100,000. I wish, I wish," whatever. And then, don't interrupt her. "I wish." And then the last question is: what are you willing to do? And here's the rule: you don't have to do anything.

But here's what the conference does. And it can take 15, 20 minutes. Without arguing, what happens is you are going to hear all the things that are weighing down your partner's life. The burdens. And you're going to hear, if you chose to, where you could put wind in their sails. And so without arguing, without putting things, without trying to fix anything, all of a sudden here's all the things that's weighing him down, here's all the things that're weighing her down. Here's all the things that she wishes, here's all the things he wishes.

And I remember the first one we had. I listened to all this. She was overwhelmed with our kids coming home with math homework, and we were not doing all that well. So I took a baby step. "I'll take over the math homework." And she looked at me and said, "Really?" I'm good in math; I'm not good in the other stuff. "Yeah." And I mean, two weeks later, she goes, "Chip." I said, "What?" "I'm not sure I've ever felt more loved when you said that and now every night you do math." I'm thinking, one, it was really easy and two, part of it was they were working their mom. I just said, "Hey, do it again. I'll be back in about five minutes." There's something about a Marine dad that's pretty good.

My biggest act of humility was: I was so embarrassed to go to counseling. I was so embarrassed to sit in a room where someone might walk in and go, "Oh, there's a seminary student. He needs counseling." And the reason I would be embarrassed is because I was arrogant and proud. And your pride and your arrogance will keep you... God is opposed to the proud but gives grace to the humble. His grace always flows downhill. When he finds a man or a woman says, "I can't do this, will you help me?" The Spirit of God and the grace of God will rush to meet you.

Dave Drewry: This is Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram. Chip will be back with more thoughts shortly. To share this message with your spouse or a friend, find it online at livingontheedge.org. And to go along with today's powerful teaching, we want to encourage you to get your copy of Chip's latest book, *I Choose Love*. Agape love—the kind God demonstrates—isn't based on feelings or circumstances; it's built on commitment and action. This love gives sacrificially, serves consistently, and puts others first intentionally.

In *I Choose Love*, Chip unpacks how to move from the shallow, worldly understanding of love to God's design for deep, lasting connection. Get your copy of *I Choose Love* online at livingontheedge.org. And friend, as you probably know, Living on the Edge is a nonprofit ministry, which means your partnership is what fuels these Bible teaching messages. Whether you've given before or today would be your first time, we invite you to join with us through a donation of any amount.

We've made it easy to give online. Just go to livingontheedge.org or write to us through the mail at Living on the Edge, PO Box 3007, Atlanta, Georgia, 30304. You can also call us and give over the phone. Just dial 888-333-6003. And by the way, full sermons are now available on the Living on the Edge podcast, with a feature called the Chip Ingram Sermon Podcast. Find these episodes right alongside our regular broadcasts on your podcast app. Now Chip, before we go, can you give us a review of some of the key points from today's powerful lesson?

Chip Ingram: Absolutely, Dave. As you know, the first one was treat your mate with AWE, right? It's Affirmation, Warmth, Encouragement. A-W-E. Affirmation, Warmth, Encouragement. That will change the temperature in your home. The second was the one that, as I shared, years and years ago we got at our early marriage counseling. It's called the conference. Three questions and you can't interrupt the other person: What do you wish? Then the second question is: What are you concerned about? And then the last one, as I said, is: What are you willing to do?

And then the rule is—this is the hard one for me—is you don't have to do anything. And so what you want to do is you want to get the burdens off your mate's heart and what would put wind in their sails, and you now have that in front of you. And I'm telling you, if you'll do this, a couple times a week, 15, 20 minutes or so, you will learn things and cover things not in the environment of hostility. You'll share them in a safe way because the other person can't say anything.

Well, you know, I'm concerned about our finances, I'm concerned about our daughter, she hasn't decided what school to go to yet. I'm concerned about whatever comes to mind. You will just find it will be an amazing tool to get you connected from the heart. We still do this after 40 years, and it still works.

Dave Drewry: I'm Dave Drewry, and that's all our time for today. Listen next time to discover biblical strategies for resolving conflict in your relationships peaceably. Tomorrow on Living on the Edge. Today's program is produced and sponsored by Living on the Edge.