Living on the Edge

Guest (Male): Today on Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram, I think it's safe to say that we all want a great marriage. I mean, deep, intimate connection: emotionally, physically, mentally. But you know something? It's hard. How do we experience that kind of marriage? That's today. Stay with me.

Why do couples fight about money, schedules, and intimacy? Well, because they're two separate people living in the same house, both wanting their own way. The deepest connection isn't emotional or physical; it's spiritual. Yet, developing spiritual intimacy can feel awkward and threatening.

Today on Living on the Edge, Chip Ingram gets intensely practical. He knows this isn't easy, especially for men, but the payoff is worth it. When you connect spiritually, everything else in your marriage gets stronger. Chip will show you simple, doable steps to begin building this foundation. No pressure, no performance, just practical ways to start. Here's Chip Ingram continuing his message, "Cultivating Spiritual Intimacy."

Chip Ingram: Let's jump into how to get really, really practical. Why build a marriage God's way? First, because He commanded it. And second, because it's for your benefit. And let me give you some very specific benefits of marriage doing it God's way. These are so helpful. I listed them, and you'll notice there's a little asterisk, and at the bottom, Divorce-proof Your Marriage by Gary and Barbara Rosberg.

Spiritual intimacy allows you to connect at the deepest level. I mean, we connect emotionally, we connect spiritually, but I will tell you, the deepest possible connection will be a connection of your spirits in the presence of God that will build a bond that puts the emotions on steroids and the physical on steroids.

Second is spiritual intimacy links you with God's purposes and plans for your life. Third, spiritual intimacy allows you to bless each other with God's love. That's what I've been talking a lot about. All I can tell you is we've overplayed—I'm not going to go down my whole Hallmark story right now—but if I watched 50 Hallmarks, I would think that all of love is about gooey emotions, starry-eyed meeting people, and kissing when it starts to snow.

Based solely on physical attraction by what seems to be very, very pretty people who live in really nice houses who actually have a lot of time to do everything except work. And within the first seven minutes, I have no idea how it's going to end, except I think they're going to fall in love. There's a diet of that that has so permeated our culture, people actually believe love is romantic feelings.

And we've developed such a narcissistic culture that you think when you're unhappy, something's wrong. You understand Jesus was unhappy a lot. Hebrews says in the course of His lifetime, He shed many tears. He hurt for people. He was lonely. He was rejected. He was tempted in every way, just like you and just like me. He was fully human, yet without sin.

Part of life is down days, hard days, struggle days. For you've been called to this purpose, since Christ also suffered for you, who though He suffered, He didn't revile or pay back, but entrusted Himself to a faithful Creator. Suffering is a part of life. We've lived in this last 30 to 40 years, and it's crept more and more into evangelical Christianity at all levels, that somehow Jesus wants to make you self-fulfilled and happy and make everything go great.

And when Jesus doesn't do that, you're disillusioned. When you demand from God promises He never made, you're worshipping a god that doesn't exist. His agenda is not to make you happy. He doesn't work all things together for your good to those that are called, to those that love Him, so that you'll be self-fulfilled and happy.

How many people, by the way, know Romans 8:28? See, we interpret that verse as God works all things together for the good for those that are called according to His purpose. And the good that we define is my life works. "Hey, you say God's in control. I don't have a job, I've lost my house, and I don't have very much money, and my kid's got to drop out of school for a year."

So, is God in control? Of course He is. So, when did God ever promise that so other people can lose their house but not you? That someone else can go out of business but you don't go through hardship? Verse 29 doesn't say God's in control so your life works out great. It says verse 29: "to conform you to the image of His Son." God's agenda is to make you like Jesus.

By the way, the challenges in your marriage? God's number one issue probably with the person that you're married to, it's like sandpaper against sandpaper. It's probably to make you more patient, more kind, more humble, more grateful, more compassionate by living with them. Some of you think God gave you kids for you. God gave you kids to change you.

Boy, you want to learn patience? It's like, "Oh God, may we just get through the diaper stage, right?" Or, "Can we just get through preteens?" I got a preteen that's like 35 right now, right? And then it's like, "Oh my. I thought it was bad when they were two." This early adulthood, 18 to 22, 23, they want all the authority but no responsibility. This is just like when they were two. "I want to do whatever I want." Well, who's paying for the car? And you live in the back bedroom. And who paid for college? I think I've said enough to make the point.

The benefits: spiritual intimacy opens the door to the deepest levels of communication. When you are loved and chosen by God, you can be vulnerable at a level because you know God accepts and loves you. Part of our problems with communication was we both had such warped views of God and warped views of one another; we couldn't be honest. Until I began to grasp that God accepts and loves me and that I'm secure, then you can risk.

See, what happens is the spiritual intimacy, the stronger that gets, it opens the door for every other area. Spiritual intimacy empowers your marriage to survive. Every couple encounters circumstances that feel overwhelming. The power of God is bigger than any situation you'll ever face and can enable you to stand firm in the storms. Oh, I just have told so many couples: "Don't give up too soon. Don't give up too soon."

Spiritual intimacy connects you to a supportive body of believers. One of the things, if you don't know it yet, is you can't make it and have a great marriage by yourself. You need other couples, and you need some people that you can do life with that can share. When you're spiritually connected, when you're a part of a local body, God has a group of people that when you're down, they can be up. You do life together, and you watch their kids, and we never had any money. You watch our kids, and we'll watch your kids, and we can get that little window to get away. Spiritual intimacy is powerful.

How do you develop personal spiritual intimacy? I've given you a little Bible study. It's from Colossians. And I'm not going to go through all the verses, but let me just show you from the passage, from the book, how the Apostle Paul encourages that church and those people to develop spiritual intimacy. In verses one through nine, he just asks for it.

Read it; it's an amazing prayer. God, I want them to know You, and the word is a relational "know You" and Your will, to know specifically in a deep, authentic way. And then he says beware of counterfeits. He talks about three different errors that people have in seeking to draw near to God. And then he says, "Guard your thought life."

The battle for your life is between your ears. 95% of all spiritual warfare is in your thinking. You have to learn to take every thought captive in obedience to Christ. And then you have to kill the spiritual competitors. After he talks about this new life that you have, he says, "Consider the members of your earthly body to be dead to immorality and impurity, to evil desire, to lust, to greed, which amounts to idolatry."

There's just certain things that you've got to cut off the supply lines of people and of things that create desires that pull you away from God and away from your mate. And then you saturate your mind with God's word. Three different times in verses 12 through 17—did you notice? I circled them in my text. Three different times you're told to be thankful. It's one of the most powerful things in your relationship.

It's hard to be tempted by someone else, to do something else, when you're grateful for who you have. You're grateful for what you do have. And being thankful isn't a feeling; you actually say it. "God, thank you, she's loyal. God, thank you, he's a provider. God, thank you." Thank you for little things.

Before I went to bed last night, out of the blue, my wife's an introvert, so I sort of take most of the initiative, and I wish she would take a little bit more initiative, even after 42 years. And out of the blue, she called me in the middle of the day, and just before I was about ready to go to bed, I got this long text and she called me: "I was just thinking of you and wanted to hear how you're doing."

Now, for some of you, that wouldn't be a big deal, but for my wife—and I just went, when I got to bed, "God, thank you." You know, we've been away from each other about 12, 13 days. I really miss her. I really love her. And I missed her. And that the Lord would prompt her just to call. Well, when you thank God, it's hard to be resentful or bitter or unforgiving.

Guest (Male): You're listening to Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram. We'll continue with Chip's teaching in just a minute. The message you're hearing today is part of our series, Choosing Love. If you want to dig deeper into these powerful principles, the complete series is waiting for you online at livingontheedge.org. You'll discover additional teaching, downloadable resources, and study questions to help you apply these truths. Visit us online at livingontheedge.org. Now let's get back to the message.

Chip Ingram: Well, let me give you some practical ways to remove the barriers and build some bridges. In perspective, first, I think this is a super big challenge, especially for men. When I talk about spiritual intimacy—and this is a general rule; it may not be true—but most women are like, "Oh yes, yes, yes. I hope he's listening. I want—if we could just pray together, if he would just hold hands with me, if he would just go to church with me. Oh, if we would just, maybe we could read the Bible or maybe we could read a book together. Oh, it would be so great."

And most guys are going, "I know what I'm doing at work. When it comes to this spiritual stuff and leading a family and being spiritual, I'm not only not confident, I'm not competent. I really don't know what I'm doing and I'm not sure I want to admit that it's very threatening. And I know you really want to do some stuff, and this is just out of my territory."

I mean, I'm a pastor, and after I got married, and I knew the Bible quite well before I got married, I was intimidated by developing spiritual intimacy with my wife. And so, ladies, one thing I would say is let him take some baby steps. And guys, what I want to say is it really is not rocket science, and we're going to learn some steps that you can take.

And by way of motivation, you'll have to think really hard about this. You know that triangle where there's the spiritual, emotional, the soul, and the physical? Would you be shocked if there's a relationship between those? And by the way, there's a very significant relationship between the bottom one. Women, in general, are nurture and more relational. I mean, they love to talk and just sit and "Can we just take a walk?" And, "What do you want to do?" "Just be together." "Okay. We're together. Now what do you want to do?" "I'm really enjoying this time with you, Chip." "Great. Now what do you want to do?"

There's this amazing thing that when your hearts and spirits connect, some of us men tend to be a little bit more on the activator side. And we want to do things together, or we experience God's love physically a lot. Not that sex is all there is, but there's few things that make a man feel more affirmed, more valued, than when his wife wants to make love with him.

Guys, what you need to understand is that when a woman doesn't feel cherished, when she doesn't feel connected spiritually, and when she doesn't feel like there's this emotional bond, it's just sex, and she feels used. She wants to make love, but it grows out of the relationship. And so many couples are, "He does that, and you do this," and then you fight about frequency, you fight about money, you fight about in-laws, you fight about schedules, and you fight about where the money goes.

And all those things are—you know why? Because you're two separate people in the same house, and I'm just going to be blunt. It doesn't mean you're bad people, but you are selfish. Because everyone is. And some of you are more stylistically selfish, more sophisticated selfish, but down deep, you want your way. And when you get your way, you're a happy camper, and when you don't, you're not.

And God wants to reverse that. And that means you getting close to Him. And so here's some very practical ways to do that, and we'll wrap it up. One, there's no one right way to develop spiritual intimacy with your mate. Two, as a general rule, women find it a bit more easy. But there's steps I'll talk about in terms of how to kind of build that spiritual intimacy.

There's no getting around praying together. I've had guys start where we're going to pray silently together and hold hands, and then start with a few words. I didn't grow up as a Christian. It was two years before I prayed out loud, and it was like, "Ugh, what do you do? What do you say?"

Worshipping together. A lot of people are, "Oh, we'll watch it later, we can watch the service." As a man, "No, no, let's sit down. Let's watch the service. Let's talk about what it meant. Where did God speak to you?" Share what you're learning.

I would love to say I have a friend, very godly friend, he's 10 years older, someday I want to be like him. He's a missionary in Zimbabwe and just godly man. I happen to know he and his wife get up every morning, they read the Bible together, they read a Proverb together, and they pray together and read a portion of a book. Theresa and I tried that for about the first week, and it almost killed our marriage.

We need separate time, and then we come together and talk about where God's speaking to us. Usually around the table. We usually sit at least 15, 20 minutes every day, just have a cup of coffee and just connect. What's going on? Either really, really early in the morning or at a meal or two.

It's weird in our house. She prays like crazy. But as we go to bed, like, I want us both to pray out loud. She doesn't want to pray out loud at night. It bugged me for about 20 years. "I'm a pastor. We're supposed to pray together and out loud." "Chip, you pray. I'm here. I'm really..." She prays like crazy, and we pray together other times, but to me, it's like—you get my point? There's not a right way.

What as a couple? How do you connect? Of course, you've got to be in the Scriptures somehow individually, you've got to share. You have to be upward, you've got to pray. You've got to be a part of a worshipping community. What I've learned is take baby steps.

Most of life changes are just the first incremental domino. That's the key, and to do something small consistently, and it'll grow. Pray for your mate. And let me encourage you: don't pressure your mate, and don't judge your mate. Don't assume where they're at with the Lord. Obviously, there's some fruit or lack of it, but it's not very motivating.

As one wife told me, "I set the Bible out and I put it right in the passage that I thought would help him the most. I couldn't figure out why he doesn't want to read the Bible." I said, "Honey, let me tell you why. He wants a wife, not a mother. And no one wants to be told what they ought to do."

And I'm trying to be really kind to you guys. Part of it is just shut up and step up. Do what feels very unnatural. Just look at your wife, grab her hand. If you have a watch, set it for five minutes; you'll never go longer. We're going to pray together. You start, and I'll finish, and I hope she goes four.

But I'm serious. At some point in time, right? It's like getting in shape. Someday, some way I'm going to start. You know what? Someday, you just start. And you're the man. Grab her hand. "I don't feel comfortable, this feels awkward, I don't know exactly what I'm doing." Just get that out on the open if that's where you're at.

By the way, if you've got some tension and stuff going, just "Why don't we hold hands for two or three minutes and pray silently and just if anything comes to our mind that any resentment or bitterness, just privately, let's spend a minute and ask God to help us forgive each other the way He's forgiven us." I'm just telling you, you take a step toward God, and He will run to meet you.

Guest (Male): This is Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram, and some practical teaching about taking those first steps toward spiritual intimacy. Chip will return shortly with some final thoughts. Want to revisit today's teaching or pass it along? You'll find it online at livingontheedge.org.

If today's message challenged you about connecting spiritually with your spouse, you need Chip's book, I Choose Love. Love isn't something that just happens to you. It's a daily choice. And here's what Chip shows in this book: Agape love, God's kind of love, isn't built on feelings or romance. It's built on commitment and action. This love gives sacrificially, it serves joyfully, it puts others first consistently.

If you're tired of waiting for feelings to change and ready to start choosing love intentionally, this book is your guide. Get your copy of I Choose Love by going online to livingontheedge.org. Whether it's a commuter listening on the way to work or a family learning to apply biblical truth at home, lives are being discipled every day through Living on the Edge. And it happens because partners like you invest in this mission.

Your giving goes straight to the spiritual growth of people all across the globe. Today, would you consider supporting this work? Visit livingontheedge.org to give, or write to Living on the Edge, P.O. Box 3007, Atlanta, Georgia 30324. You can also call us at 888-333-6003. Now here's Chip.

Chip Ingram: Keeping marital love alive in your relationship, it starts with finding and cultivating spiritual intimacy. The majority of Christians are so pulled in so many different directions. A great majority don't spend personal time with God. So they're not in the Bible regularly, or they feel guilty about their relationship with God, and they feel guilty about maybe not praying together as a couple.

And so what I've realized is taking baby steps. At the very end, I talked about just even holding hands and praying silently. That may not sound like much, but what that communicates, especially to a woman, is that my husband—he cares, he's taking steps. And it's hard to be vulnerable. It's hard to be vulnerable for everyone, but in areas where we either feel incompetent or guilty or awkward, or some people are very private people.

You know, I think we sometimes have these pictures of couples that, if they all really love God, they get up and read the Bible together every morning and hold hands and pray for a half hour and probably get on their knees together and pray before they go to bed. And then we all fall so short. I think couples have to discover a way and a rhythm for where they're at and take some baby steps.

Theresa and I, for example, when we first got married, tried to do our devotions together. It was a disaster. She's an introvert, I'm an extrovert. She felt like I had all this training and that I was analyzing her comments. It was just like three weeks in, it was like, "Let's forget this, okay? I'm going to go spend time with God, you go spend time with God, and why don't we grab a cup of coffee and just relationally kind of share what's going on?"

Every couple has to figure this out. Here's what I know: everyone can take a baby step. And here's my challenge: do something. Take a step in your own walk with God, and take a baby step with your mate. As small as it might be, praying silently, or praying out loud, or praying around the table before the meal, or reading just a Proverb a day. Start somewhere to allow God to become more and more the center of your marriage, and you will see Him work powerfully.

Guest (Male): What's the secret to communicating God's love to your spouse? I'm Dave Druey, inviting you to discover practical answers next time on Living on the Edge. Today's program is produced and sponsored by Living on the Edge.