Living on the Edge

Dave Druey: Today on Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram.

Chip Ingram: It's hard to believe that there are couples out there that have been married 30, 40, 50 years and it's super inspiring. And yet in our day you have to scratch your head and say, what did they know? What did they do that kept their love alive? If you would like to know the secret that they have, then stay with me.

Dave Druey: Sometimes keeping love alive feels impossible. Crisis hits, plans get canceled, but hard times don't mean something's wrong with your marriage. They mean you need specific skills to thrive. Today on Living on the Edge, Chip Ingram begins a powerful teaching on four essential skills every couple needs. And it all starts with spiritual intimacy.

Before you can love your spouse well, you must first grasp who you've become in Christ. You can't give away what you don't possess. As Chip unpacks this truth, you'll discover why drawing near to God is the secret to drawing near to each other. Here's Chip Ingram with today's message, Cultivating Spiritual Intimacy.

Chip Ingram: Sometimes it's harder to keep love alive than others. Sometimes you cope in a crisis. I have been married 42 years, and this was one of the hardest years of my marriage. We had a number of things planned; they all got canceled. We had certain rhythms where we went and did certain things; they were all canceled. But there's all kind of times: times when you have a health issue, sometimes when you're separated or relocate, sometimes financial stresses put a lot of pressure on you.

Going through really challenging times doesn't mean there's something wrong with you or your marriage. Everything we're going to talk about is how do you move up toward God and closer to one another. There's things you need to know, but there's also skills you need to develop. I want to talk about four skills that we need to develop. But before I do, I'm going to look at Colossians.

As I prayed about what to share, I bet I've gone through verses 12 through 17 in my mind hundreds of times. I've said it out loud in the car. I've prayed it word by word, verse by verse. What I realized was all the skills that I wanted to teach you, they all grow out of this one passage. So as those who have been chosen of God, holy and beloved, that's who you are. Here's what you do: put on a heart of compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience, bearing with one another and forgiving each other.

Whoever has a complaint against anyone, just as the Lord forgave you, so also should you. And beyond all these things put on love, which is the perfect bond of unity. Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called into one body and be thankful. Let the word of Christ richly dwell within you with all wisdom teaching and admonishing one another with psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing with thankfulness in your hearts to God. Whatever you do in word or deed, do all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks through him to God the Father.

The first command is put on a heart. It's not just an activity. Put on a heart of compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. Then notice the second command: beyond all these, put on love, unconditional, "I'm for you." I give whether I get anything back or not, which is the perfect bond of unity. The third command, and sometimes in the text it looks so small, it says "be thankful." That's a separate command. In other words, be grateful.

Focus on what you do have in your marriage. Focus on what you do have in life. Thank God for what you do have rather than focus on what you don't have. And then he goes: let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts—another command. We'll talk about what that means. Let the word of Christ richly dwell within you—another command. And then whatever you do in word or deed, do all in the name of the Lord Jesus.

Let's dig in. Skill number one: how to develop spiritual intimacy. Spiritual intimacy with Christ is cultivated by actively believing two things. Number one: whose we are. That you're chosen. Spiritual intimacy with Christ is cultivated by actively believing whose you are. You're his. The second thing is who you've become: that you're holy.

Picking it up at chapter 2 verse 9: For in Christ all the fullness of deity dwells in bodily form. That means all there is of God was in Jesus. And you have been given fullness in Christ, who is head over every power and authority. In him you were also circumcised in the putting off of your sinful nature, not with a circumcision done with hands of men, but a circumcision done by Christ, a circumcision of the heart. Having been buried with him in baptism, raised with him through faith in the power of God who raised him from the dead.

When you were dead in your sins and in the uncircumcision of your sinful nature, God made you alive with Christ. He forgave all of our sins, having canceled out the written code with regulations that was against us and that stood opposed to us. He took it all away, nailing it to the cross. And having disarmed the spiritual powers and authorities, he made a public spectacle of them, triumphing over them by the cross.

God looks at you this day through the lens of the blood of his Son. Not only are you precious and loved, but you are forgiven. You are clean. That is your position with him. Intimacy is believing that he wants you, that he loves you, that he's for you. It's not for someone else. When you draw near, he'll draw near to you. In terms of marriage, here's what I want you to get: you can't give away what you do not have.

Until you see yourself the way God sees you and love your mate out of overflow, you will instead have loving acts to get your own needs met, to get what you want, and to benefit you. And when you don't get them, you get angry. If you watch enough TV, you'll believe lies like there's someone better out there, or that you ought to have no problems and this person ought to come through. So you will love conditionally, and your love will be fragile. It will only be horizontal and will crack under pressure. You will probably live a very painful life to learn that there is no human being on the earth that can give you what you're looking for.

Spiritual intimacy is cultivated with your mate by recognizing the supremacy of Christ's role in relation in your marriage. He created all things. He sustains all things by the word of his power. All things were created by him and for him. He's the head of the church, and he's the firstborn from the dead, and he has supremacy over everything. If you want to have intimacy in your relationship horizontally, he has to have the same place in your life and the same place in your marriage that he has in the universe.

That means if he says, "Men, I want you to love your wife," good days and bad days, what does love look like? Just ask Jesus. He was willing to die for his bride. You need to be willing to die for her and not just metaphorically. Put her needs ahead, cherish her, protect her, provide for her, live with her in an understanding way. You be Jesus to her. That's your call, regardless of how she responds. Why should you do that? Because he is God and he created it and designed it and told you to.

The byproducts of marriage happen to be that you get to have children, you're not alone, you have good sex, and you have a life companion. But the major point of marriage is not so that you're happy or even fulfilled. The major point of marriage is that it's a metaphor to declare Jesus and the church. Your marriage, your love, your forgiveness, your working through problems, your caring and loving and cherishing and respecting is to be the picture of Jesus and his bride. And the loudest, greatest picture that the world will ever see of Christians is marriages where they love one another.

It's easy to love one another when everything's great. The church, your job, my job is to demonstrate as a man what Christ's love is like to the church, and as a woman what it's like for a church to respond in love and respect and tender consideration and connection to Christ.

Dave Druey: You're listening to Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram. We'll continue with Chip's teaching in just a minute. The message you're hearing today is part of our series, I Choose Love. If you want to dig deeper into these powerful principles, the complete series is waiting for you online at livingontheedge.org. You'll discover additional teaching, downloadable resources, and study questions to help you apply these truths. Visit us online at livingontheedge.org. Now let's get back to the message.

Chip Ingram: There's few things that will make a bigger difference in the watching world than your marriage. If you want to have intimacy, it can't be like, "God, I really want a great marriage. Okay, there's some really good verses here for my wife. Hon, you need to read these. These are really good ones. I'm not sure what all the submissive stuff is, but it sounds pretty darn good."

You want to have a great marriage? Can you imagine the designers and the engineers and the people that have put together the things that you all do all around the world? Can you just imagine going, "I just don't read manuals. I'm just going to do this anyway I think's better"? How would that work? The creator of the universe has made it clear what he wants you to do and what it looks like. He did it because he loves you, because he's good, and because he cares. It's counterintuitive, and it's hard.

I had a guy come to me in Silicon Valley. He's done real well financially. We would meet him and think, "Oh, you have this beautiful wife and kids and a great job." We were playing nine holes of golf and he goes, "I'm just... something's really, really wrong." I said, "What's that?" He goes, "I'm really trying hard to be a good husband, and it just shouldn't be this hard. There's always something."

He actually played in the arena football and was an excellent athlete. So I just asked him a question. I said, "Excuse me, did you ever do two-a-days growing up in football? Or what about in college, being an All-American? Did you hit the weight room and nutrition? It was like your life." He said, "Oh man, it was what we did." And when he played pro ball, "Oh man." I said, "So what you're telling me is to be a star and be a football player, it's really hard. You get hit, you get up early, you lift weights, you eat, you go to sleep, and you focus your whole life, but your wife's not worth that? Really? Who told you it's supposed to be easy?"

In fact, here's the deal. I'm convinced that God actually has created marriage in such a way that it really doesn't work. Two people with different personalities that are both selfish and both sinners, it really doesn't work unless you follow the design and you get to where he gives you unconditional love and you can put the other person first and do all the super counterintuitive stuff. Everything that has made our marriage really, really good is like, "This is crazy. I'm the man; I should get up and make coffee in the morning? I should bring it to her? I should affirm her? I should do this? What about me?"

And every time I keep little by little learning what it means to cherish her and serve her and help her discover her gifts and understand in ways that they still don't make sense to me how she thinks. I don't have to understand it, but I've learned to not fix it and just listen. And the more you become like Jesus, the easier you are to live with. Can you imagine that? Can you imagine being married to someone who's very kind? Someone who's humble, that just on a regular basis just actually puts your needs ahead of theirs? Or someone that bears with you? The underwear is still on the floor, the toothpaste is still like that, you still interrupt me when we're with other people, and I love you. It's an amazing thing, and that's the core of building intimacy.

Let's jump into how to get really, really practical. Why build a marriage God's way? First, because he commanded it. And second, because it's for your benefit. And let me give you some very specific benefits of doing it God's way. Spiritual intimacy allows you to connect at the deepest level. We connect emotionally, we connect spiritually, but I will tell you the deepest possible connection will be a connection of your spirits in the presence of God that will build a bond that puts the emotions and the physical on steroids.

Spiritual intimacy, as you draw closer to God and as you begin, it's really a challenge to develop spiritual intimacy. It's a lot easier to develop physical intimacy or even emotional intimacy. Second is spiritual intimacy links you with God's purposes and plans for your life. He says, "I know the plans that I have for you. They're plans for good, not for evil, for your welfare, to give you a hope and a future." When you connect you with God and her or him with God, then it aligns you to know his voice and his plans and his direction for your life. Third, spiritual intimacy allows you to bless each other with God's love.

That's what I've been talking a lot about. We've overplayed Hallmark stories, but if I watch 50 Hallmark movies, I would think that all of love is about gooey emotions, starry-eyed meeting people, and kissing when it starts to snow based solely on physical attraction by what seems to be very, very pretty people who live in really nice houses who actually have a lot of time to do everything except work. Within the first seven minutes, I have no idea how it's going to end except I think they're going to fall in love. And ten minutes before it's over, it doesn't look like it's going to work, and oh, yes it does.

I don't mean that as crassly, but there's a diet of that that's so permeated our culture. People actually believe love is romantic feelings. And we've developed such a narcissistic culture that you think when you're unhappy, something's wrong. You understand Jesus was unhappy a lot. Hebrews says in the course of his lifetime he shed many tears. He hurt for people. He was lonely. He was rejected. He was tempted in every way just like you and just like me. He was fully human, yet without sin.

Part of life is down days, hard days, struggle days. But you've been called to this purpose since Christ also suffered for you, who though he suffered, he didn't revile or pay back but entrusted himself to the faithful creator. Suffering is a part of life. We've lived in this last 30 to 40 years and it's crept more and more into evangelical Christianity at all levels that somehow Jesus wants to make you self-fulfilled and happy and make everything go great. And when Jesus doesn't do that, you're disillusioned. When you demand from God promises he never made, you're worshiping a god that doesn't exist. His agenda is not to make you happy. He does work all things together for your good to those that are called, to those that love him, so that you'll be self-fulfilled and happy.

Dave Druey: You're listening to Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram, and he'll be back in a minute. But first, let me tell you about Chip's newest resource that connects perfectly with this teaching. It's his latest book titled I Choose Love. Here's what makes this book so timely. We've been told love is something that happens to us, that magical feeling we can't control. But Chip reveals a revolutionary truth: love is something you choose. Real love, agape love, isn't built on romantic feelings or emotional highs. It's characterized by sacrifice and action. In I Choose Love, Chip shows you how to experience the kind of love that never fails. You'll discover practical ways to move beyond the Hollywood version of romance into the deep, satisfying connection God designed. Order I Choose Love online at livingontheedge.org.

Right now, marriages across the country are being rebuilt through the biblical teaching of Living on the Edge. Couples who felt hopeless are finding direction. This happens because friends like you partner with this ministry. Your support reaches people right when they need it most. Would you consider joining us today? Visit livingontheedge.org to give, or mail your support to Living on the Edge, PO Box 3007, Atlanta, Georgia 30302. You can also call us at 888-333-6003. And don't forget to subscribe to the Living on the Edge podcast for full-length sermons now available through the Chip Ingram Sermon Podcast, available wherever you listen to podcasts. Now here's Chip.

Chip Ingram: I just want to remind you that keeping marital love alive in your relationship starts with finding, protecting, and cultivating spiritual intimacy. I have done this enough and when I taught this at the Billy Graham Center, all the wives are leaning forward going, "Yes, yes, spiritual intimacy with my husband." And all the guys are leaning back and a couple of them are crossing their arms going, "Hey buddy, I don't know what you're talking about here, or I know I'm not good at that, and I know my wife is way better than that."

Just relax. We're going to walk through this together, but I really want you to know that some things don't come naturally and some things are very threatening. And of all the things I think that are threatening in a marriage, and especially for a man, is this idea of spiritual leadership, spiritual intimacy. I want you to know that if you can take some baby steps and practice some things that I'm going to share with you, it will begin to resolve so many other areas. You get on the same page with God, then pretty soon you're on the same page with your kids and your finances.

I remember Charles Spurgeon wrote, "I am certain that I never did grow in grace one half so much anywhere as when I was in the bed of pain." And so what I want you to know is we're going to have struggles. They're normal. Marriage is hard. It requires hard work. Those of you that have heard me over the years know I've shared pretty honestly about some really painful, difficult times in almost every area of our marriage. And I share those because I think people really miss out because they think, "Oh, it's not going well, or I fell out of love, or this is so hard, maybe this isn't the right person." Those are lies. You're just experiencing the normal challenges of marriage. And what we want to do is give you some skills that by the grace of God, your marriage can grow into exactly what God wants it to be and what you long for. Stick around with us on this one.

Dave Druey: I'm Dave Druey. Join us as Chip Ingram shares practical insights on deepening love in marriage next time on Living on the Edge. Today's program is produced and sponsored by Living on the Edge.