Leading The Way

Guest (Male): Welcome to Leading the Way with longtime pastor and author of more than 50 books, Dr. Michael Youssef.

Dr. Michael Youssef: Hello friends, you are watching it on the news night after night. The rise of Islamization and Islamists taking places of leadership both in the United States and in Europe, Australia and elsewhere. I sought to write a book to explain to you the unholy alliance between the Left and the Islamization. How they invited the Islamist invasion. Get my new book, An Unholy Alliance. It's going to open your eyes and give you practical ways to make a difference for Christ.

Guest (Male): If you'd like to learn more about the compelling content in An Unholy Alliance, you may want to take a moment to visit Leading the Way's website, ltw.org. Thank you for joining listeners across six continents for Leading the Way audio.

The ways people keep in touch have changed, especially recently with the growth of technology. Electronic communications have replaced handwritten letters, phone calls, and oftentimes even dinner conversations. But just because we connect doesn't mean we communicate.

And when it comes to marriage, communication can break down before you realize it. Today, Dr. Youssef shares the next message in his audio series Crafted: Marriage God's Way, with words about the critical ingredient in relationships, communication. Oh, you're in for a treat today, too, as Dr. Youssef is ready to invite his wife Elizabeth to share insights to complement his teaching today. So now let's listen as Dr. Youssef begins.

Dr. Michael Youssef: What Elizabeth and I are going to share, especially with young couples with children, we want to share with you three things that we have discovered in our lives that can be a conversation killer, a conversation destroyer, and impacts the power of conversation which must take place in a marriage. And they all start with the letter C. It's calendar, children, and conflict.

What do I mean by calendar? Please listen carefully. Young moms and dads, I want to tell you as God is my witness, and you've probably heard me say this before, I stand in awe of how young couples are running haggard. I don't know how they cope, honestly. I mean, their schedule is wall-to-wall with activities and they're running around from this to that to the other things.

And if the mother is working outside of the home, you add long hours of work, running errands, driving children from one activity to another, driving children from one sport to another, and it all seems to be endless. As I watch, I am amazed of how they even cope. And all of these activities leave very precious little time for husbands and wives to have meaningful conversation.

Many marriages appear to be healthy on the surface, but they may be because this couple has ceased to converse, and they're contented with where they are. There are some who have confused busyness and activity with happiness. The truth is, there are many couples who found themselves to be so drained of energy, they are so emotionally exhausted, they never schedule time out for themselves, just for the two of them.

They never schedule time just for conversation between them. They reserve no time for talking and listening and reacting and reacting to each other. They never set aside time where they actually exchange some thoughts and, yes, feelings. You see, I'm not against feelings. Feelings are important. I know I'm surprising some of you.

They never set aside an unhurried time to focus on each other. And the fact is, without that healthy conversation, and again, I don't mean just in words but in every aspect of it, there's going to be problems. I'm going to get back to this at the end of the message. So calendar, if it is not managed rightly, correctly, if it is not planned well with a time in the middle for conversation with each other alone, it raises a problem.

Secondly, children, especially small children. It's not a secret or surprise to anybody who knows me, I love children. I really do. I love the children in this church. I cherished and loved my children and my grandchildren. But there can be no doubt that children can be one of the most important results of intimacy in marriage. I want to emphasize this.

But the truth is, small children can be, as I said, can be one of the biggest hindrances in intimacy and conversation in marriage. Children bring some of the greatest blessings that you can ever imagine in marriage, and yet they also bring one of the great responsibilities in marriage. And for the first 18 years of their lives, they are absolutely thoroughly dependent on their parents for substance and for support.

But many parents, including your pastor, made the mistake of thinking that children must come first in a marriage relationship. In the early '80s, when our children were very young, like many young parents, we wanted to be good parents. It's wonderful. And we began our focus all of our attention not on each other, but we placed them squarely on our children.

Now don't misunderstand me, please. Taking very good care of the kids is of vital importance. I am not minimizing that at all. But I want to confess that in that area, especially me, I am what you call a Jewish mother. And I mean that as absolute compliment, trust me. I am really a Jewish mother.

Back in the '80s I heard a preacher who was telling this story about his own life. He said, you know, he grew up in New York and had an Italian family, and his best friend was a Jewish boy. And he said, when I was growing up, I'd leave home and my Italian mother says to me, "Tony, don't forget your lunch." But he said, go over there to the Finkelsteins and then pick up Joe. And he said, his Jewish mother says, "Joe, don't forget your books." He said, so the Italians grow up to be fatter and the Jewish kids grow up to be smarter.

The truth is, I as a parent am both a Jewish mother and an Italian mother. Again, I want to emphasize that loving and taking care of the children is of uttermost importance. I'm not minimizing that, please understand. When they are helpless babes they're totally dependent on you. And then when they're in elementary school and they need help with homework. And then when they go through the tough years of teen years and they need loving counsel and understanding.

And all of that takes time and it takes attention away from the spouse. Now the question is, how do you create a balance? How do you create a balance? Well, since I already told you I'm both Jewish and Italian, I don't have much balance. I really do. I struggle for balance. But the one who is truly a balanced person, the most balanced person I know, is going to come up and again, I just want to thank her for letting me do this. This is not easy for her and she agreed to do it. Thank you.

Elizabeth Youssef: I want to acknowledge to begin with that without the transforming power of the Lord in my life, I wouldn't be here standing before you. I am fully aware of my own weaknesses, but fully trust in the Lord, who is able to take these words, and I pray that it will be used for His glory.

Michael mentioned the 1980s. It was during that period we had three children between the ages of four and seven, and we were involved in a really hectic schedule. Not only that, he was heading up an international ministry which involved four overseas trips a year, and each trip was at least two weeks.

You know, I was busy. I don't know that I did a really good job at it, but I was kept busy maintaining the home. I was doing the usual, you know, keeping food on the table, laundry, juggling carpool, supervising homework—don't think that was too successful—after-school activities and also attempting to be the disciplinarian.

More often than not, one of the three kids would be sick, and you know, the pressures seemed to be on me and on all of us. And the saying goes that the squeaky wheel is the one that gets the attention, and for me, it was my children. It's not to say they demanded the attention because, in actual fact, they didn't. They were great kids.

But over time, I realized they had become my focus. There was also the regular interruption of the transitioning, you know, when Michael was gone, I sort of took the leadership role, took control of all aspects of the family. And then, of course, when he would come back, I was very relieved to hand over the reins, but it kind of created a little tension.

All of this did not happen overnight. It was building up gradually over the years. We were actually, if you think about it, on two different tracks, and we'd lost the focus of serving each other in marriage, of being selfless, and you know, it was just totally not right.

And it wasn't until we had reached a point of crisis in our marriage that the Lord graciously revealed to both of us that we had failed to build each other up in communication. And it was obvious, certainly to me, but I think to both of us, that we needed to take radical steps.

So for me, I was convinced it wasn't just a matter of saying I'm sorry, but it's what the Bible talks about, repentance. You know, when you repent, you do an about-face. So we purposed in our hearts, with the strength of the Lord, that we would set aside each week for building time. That's the issue, time, to build up our relationship. And then two or three times during the year we'd go away.

It's so easy to fall into this pattern of life as a mother because, obviously, you're responsible for all their basic needs, for the nurturing. The problem is when you place these above what really should be the first priority, and that's looking to the best interests of your mate.

Today it's even a greater problem because of all our little gadgets. And I see it for young women, the sort of desire to produce the perfect child, the perfect family. Pinterest and Facebook have really done us a disservice. But it's out there.

And of course, Satan, the enemy of our soul, using the oldest trick, he is able to use what is a good thing, you know, rearing your children to be God-fearing, responsible adults, and he twists it for his own evil purposes.

My prayer for all of you is that the Holy Spirit will reveal to you those areas in your relationship that need to be changed, that need to be restored. The little idols perhaps you've created will be torn down. That you will actually purpose to take time to work on that relationship with your mate. God bless you.

Dr. Michael Youssef: Thank you, honey. I'm grateful to the Lord for that wake-up call back in 1982, '83. And we saw later as we help other young couples that when they do not get that wake-up call in time, when the last child leaves home, the husband and wife discover that they have nothing in common.

The kids were the only subject of their conversation. The kids were only subject of their planning. The kids were the only subject of their time and energy and effort. And so when they become empty nesters, they discover that they have nothing to talk about. I pray to God that this will change.

I have seen it again and again and again, and that's why Elizabeth said that when we speak to young moms and dads, we strongly urge them that they must get away from their children for a time alone without the children. And even when you're away, the temptation at times is that the conversation will veer toward the subject of children, but then you have to really stop and intentionally change the subject. Develop common interest for both of you.

Calendar, children, finally, conflict. More to the point, fear of conflict. Listen carefully. Fear of conflict. One of the great fallacies says that good marriages do not have any conflicts, or that conflicts are bad for marriage. Let me remind you of what I said in the first message, that in our home we're too spiritual to call it conflicts or arguments. So we call it vigorous discussion.

But hear me out on this one. Conflict is neutral. If you handle conflict wisely, they will lead to greater joy and intimacy. If conflicts are handled foolishly, they will lead to further isolation. And I can tell you with a certain degree of certainty that if a husband and wife never have any conflicts at all, chances are they are not conversing with each other.

Here's what both should do about conflict. Listen to me very carefully. Three things again. First of all, agree to identify the conflict issue, the points of conflict. Identify them. You can write them down if you want to. Secondly, discuss together, come in agreement on how you should deal with them.

And then develop a procedure—that sounds like a business but it's much simpler than that—develop a procedure about how you're going to do this. Then absolutely determine to deal with those conflicts as soon as they arise. But before you do all of these three things, if you haven't already learned to pray together, hold hands and start praying together.

It is the most spiritual intimacy that I can recommend, praying together. Invite God into the situation. Pray confessing your sins, not your spouse's sin. Are you with me? All right. Pray surrendering your agenda, not, "Dear Lord, help my spouse to surrender their agenda." No, yours. Pray for God to reveal to you your own inadequacies, your own weaknesses, your own failures.

And then pray for the love of God to be poured into your hearts toward your spouse. As I conclude, I'm always conscious of the fact that somebody here might say, "Michael, in our marriage conversation doesn't even exist," or "In our marriage our conversation has stopped long time ago."

Wherever you are, nothing is impossible with you and we believe that, we sing that, we read that in the Scripture, but then we don't practice it or appropriate it. Wherever you are, you can jumpstart the conversation in marriage. Amen? You can jumpstart at any point. Think of those romantic times when you were dating. That helps. Think of the tender moments that you had in the early days in marriage.

Then make some strange-sounding words, such as telling your spouse that he or she is God's gift to you. Tell your spouse how much you really love them. Above all, don't forget that there are hundreds of ways by which you can converse even more than verbally. A smile. It may crack your cheeks, but do it. The adoring look.

Serve the need of your spouse. Praise something important to them, not to you. Praise something important to him or her. And if you haven't read Gary Chapman's book, The 5 Love Languages, I recommend you read it. Try to find out your spouse's love language and speak that language, not yours.

We all love to speak our language. I know that having crossed languages, it's hard to practice speaking another language, but you can under the power of the Lord Jesus Christ. After all, He is the one who spoke our love language when He left the glories of heaven and came and identified with us.

He identified with our deepest longing, seeing that our deepest need and our deepest longing is to know that we are forgiven, healed, and restored. He did exactly that on the cross. Every time you feel that you're angry or rejected or lonely, you will hear in His Word, the Word that was authored by His Spirit, that He would say to you and you hear Him over and over again saying, "You're loved by Me, that you'll never be rejected by Me. I am always with you. You are never alone with Me. I love you. I can meet you at every point of your need. My everlasting arms are underneath. My plans for you are for good and not evil. You are engraved on the palms of My hands. You are carried on My shoulders and he who touches you touches the apple of My eye."

That's our language. He spoke our language and He said all of that when He hung on that cross and then rose again on the third day. Now imitate Him. Imitate Him in your relationship.

Guest (Male): You're listening to Leading the Way and the final episode in Dr. Youssef's series geared to align your relationships with the very heart of God's Word. And hey, if today's teaching from Dr. and Mrs. Youssef has challenged you to think more about biblical relationships and marriage, then we encourage you to listen to this series again. Maybe together with your spouse, addressing and diffusing some of those real communication challenges. Or share it with family and friends. The place to start is ltw.org. Go there, click listen right there at the top of the page, or use the Leading the Way app.

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This program is brought to you by Leading the Way with Dr. Michael Youssef.