Leading The Way

Guest (Male): Leading the way with longtime pastor and international Bible teacher, Dr. Michael Youssef, is beginning right now. Thank you for listening. Marriages that withstand the test of time and difficulties are few and far between. But when the marriage foundation is grounded in and on God’s Word, couples can and do experience added years of wedded bliss.

Up next on Leading the Way Audio, Dr. Michael Youssef looks at the makings of a godly marriage. By the way, if you’d like to learn more about Leading the Way or Dr. Youssef, a great place to begin is a free subscription to the monthly magazine, My Journal. Get information and your subscription on the way to your mailbox at LTW.org. More on that later. Right now though, listen as Dr. Michael Youssef begins a look at selflessness in relationships.

Dr. Michael Youssef: In this message and the next few messages, we’re going to look at marriage God’s way. I’m going to focus on three foundational stones to a fulfilled marriage. Notice I said fulfilled marriage, not perfect marriage. I don’t know where the perfect marriage is. If you have one, tell me about it. I’d like to come and live at your house for a little while, and I might learn a few things.

Here are the three foundational stones of marriage God’s way: selflessness, forgiveness, and conversation. You find that in any marriage, any problem, any potential problem, if you really take time and look at that problem and then you trace it all the way through, you’re going to run into one of those three things, one of those three foundational stones.

Except if there is an unrepentant of sin, a deliberate sin, a continuous sin, an intentional sin, and no repentance coming. I want you to turn with me, please, to Philippians chapter 2. We only have two verses today. Philippians chapter 2, verses 3 and 4.

Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. But in humility consider others, another translation says better, more accurate translation, consider others more important than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interest, but also to the interest of others.

This general instruction that the Apostle Paul gives us in those two verses alone is applicable to all relationships among believers in the Lord Jesus Christ. But it is more poignant in marriage. Here’s a statement I’m going to make, and I take responsibility for it. If this godly instruction fails in marriage, it will certainly not succeed in other relationships.

I know and you know, and I want to get this out of the way because you know where my heart is but I want to state it, that in this culture in which we live right now, this humanistic, this secular culture that is hell-bent on destroying marriages. They are working so hard to destroy what God has made.

Now they talk about marriage as any two people contracting to live together regardless of what background or gender or whatever it may be. They talk about a marriage as if it’s a human rights issue. They talk about marriage as if it’s only a contractual agreement between two people. Please hear me. Of all the deceptions that are forced upon us in our culture today, this is the biggest.

This is the biggest. Why? Because marriage is not man’s idea. Once you accept this premise that marriage is man’s idea, it’s a human right, it’s a issue that this is my right or your right and his right and her right, then you’re going to cease to believe that marriage is God’s divine ordained institution.

And it is. The Bible makes it very clear. It is God’s divine institution. This falsehood about marriage will not only undermine and trivialize biblical marriage, it will try to absolutely destroy it. The truth is this: marriage according to God is between a man and a woman for life. This is God’s plan for humanity, all of humanity. He is the creator.

And like all of God’s plans, it is a perfect plan. It really is. It’s a perfect plan. It is the only plan that God basically gave us. Just like there’s only one plan for salvation and that is through Jesus Christ alone, there is one plan for marriage, for a fulfilled marriage, for a joyful marriage, and it is the husband and wife, a man and a woman for life.

God is the one who conducted the very first wedding in the Garden of Eden. And it was a perfect marriage. Now you already heard me say no perfect marriage, but that one was. It was a perfect marriage until Satan got in the middle of it. Listen to me. I cannot imagine more perfect marriage than that between Adam and Eve. I really couldn’t.

Adam could not compare Eve’s cooking with that of his mother. That issue was dead. Eve could not compare Adam with all the guys that she dated before. They were not there. Eve could never go to Adam and say, "Addy boy, do you love me?" Well, who else am I going to love? That’s it.

But there’s even more important reason as to why Adam and Eve’s marriage was perfect. They had a perfect love relationship, the kind of perfect love relationship that God truly desires for all of his children. A perfect love relationship with each other and a perfect love relationship with God. Please hear me because their nakedness was not just mere physical nakedness after they sinned.

It was the nakedness of transparency with each other and with God. But when selfishness entered into their hearts, everything fell apart. You see, they were so transparent with each other, they were transparent with God until sin came in and then blew everything up. Now that is why the first foundational stone in a marriage, as I already said, is selflessness, not selfishness.

In fact, selfishness, I am personally convinced, or self-centeredness, is Satan’s number one tool to destroy a marriage. What God has carefully crafted and placed together between the first couple, namely selflessness and transparency, it got dismantled by Satan and the entering of sin.

In fact, the Garden of Eden with its perfect plan, with its perfect marriage, experienced its first marital fight. In our home we do not call it a fight. We’re too spiritual for that. We don’t have fights in our home. We have vigorous discussions. Doesn't that sound nice? It sounds more spiritual.

The first marital fight started because of selfishness. Let me give you a fact. Every marital fight from the time of Adam and Eve to this time, including the ones that we have at our house, stems from self-centeredness, stems from selfishness. Some of you here probably thinking, "Well, Michael, what’s the alternative? Should I just roll down and play doormat?"

No, because that will make things worse. Never do that. It’s not biblical. But when self-examination follows every act of disharmony, when self-examination takes place, you will repent and you will confess. And that’s why I’m calling the series of messages "Marriage God’s Way."

And if there is by any chance somebody here who has never submitted their life to Jesus Christ as Savior and Lord, let me tell you, this is not going to work for you until you come to Christ. And I pray that you do that here today. Because this series of messages, short as it is, it is for people who not only receive Jesus Christ as their personal Savior, but they are walking with Christ every single day in the power of the Holy Spirit.

Because it’s the Holy Spirit who’s going to come and bring you conviction every time there is an act of disharmony. He’s the one who brings conviction. It is those moments of self-examination that the Holy Spirit convicts me of my sin of selfishness of which I repent first and I repent to my wife.

In Adam and Eve’s case, instead of repenting and confessing and saying, "Lord, we’re so sorry, you did tell us this but we did, we’re so sorry," the bottom line is they blamed God. "God, it’s really your fault for creating this environment in which Satan came in and impersonated in this wise creature called the serpent and it deceived us." See, it’s God’s fault.

And we still do that today, right? The shopaholic says, "It’s not my fault. God is the one who created all these malls or now I should say the internet because you are literally two clicks away from bankruptcy. Order all these things that you don’t want and you don’t need."

The sports fanatic says, "It’s not my fault. It’s God who created all these hundreds of ESPNs channels, right?" And so the women shop and the men vegetate and they wonder what’s wrong with their marriage. So the question is what are the three components of selflessness? Maturity, magnanimity, and malleability.

What is that maturity? You know that most marriages begin with wide-eyed brides and groom and thinking that their mate is really going to meet all of their needs and it’s going to be absolutely wonderful. He thinks that she is a perfect babe and she thinks he’s Prince Charming. Please listen to me. Maturity says, "How can I fulfill my wife’s needs?"

Immaturity says, "How can I get my spouse to fulfill my needs?" Maturity says, "How can I sacrifice for my spouse’s comfort?" Immaturity says, "How can I get my spouse to do more for my comfort?" Maturity says, "How can I be more patient with my spouse? How can I respond gently to what irritates her or him? And when will I be transparent and open and vulnerable?"

Immaturity says, "How can I get all that I want? How short can I keep the conversation? How can I remain in my self-protective cocoon and never open up?" Maturity is a very necessary ingredient to selflessness. And selflessness is one of the foundation stones of a joyful, fulfilled marriage.

And so not only maturity, but also magnanimity. What do I mean by magnanimity? Well, let me illustrate. A number of years ago someone said to me, "If I knew how insensitive and unfeeling he is, I would never have married him." Same long-distance time ago, a man said to me, "You know, I think when my wife said 'I do,' she meant that I'll give him hell every time he makes a mistake."

Please hear me. Insensitivity toward your spouse is the opposite of magnanimity. Listen to what the Bible said about magnanimity in Ephesians 5:17. Therefore, do not be foolish, but understand what the Lord’s will is. Those two words stand in absolute contrast to each other: foolishness, understanding. Understanding depends on magnanimity.

And magnanimity means that I am seeking to understand my spouse’s thought, my spouse’s thought patterns, my spouse’s feeling and needs. Magnanimity means to study the other person as if you’re studying for an exam. And now somebody said, "Well, I don’t like exams." Well, I didn’t either. I hated exams in school.

But because I loved the subjects that I was studying, hard work was pleasurable for me. Because I love the subjects that I’m studying, hard work and study was enjoyable to me. Hard work was fulfilling for me, especially when I see myself making progress. And so studying your spouse’s need and the spouse’s feeling and the spouse’s thought pattern and yes, your spouse’s idiosyncrasies.

Hello, I have them too and so do you. I know it’s not easy, especially in those times when you have conflicting needs, when your needs conflicting with spouse’s needs. I know that. You see, the alternative to understanding is foolishness, and who wants that?

So the three foundational stones of a crafted marriage God’s way are selflessness, forgiveness, and conversation. But the three foundational stones of selflessness: maturity, magnanimity, and malleability. What do I mean by malleability? When Paul said to the Ephesians and the Colossians and then Peter, and the principle is the same throughout the Scripture, when he says to wives submit to your husband, husbands love your wives as Christ loved the church.

I know this causes some people to bristle. You’ve seen it, I’ve seen it. I actually seen people going into fits when that statement is made. They really do. Why? Because they fail to understand the true meaning of these godly instructions. They really don’t. Submission never meant for the wife to lie down and become a doormat.

That is not what the Bible means and that is why they like to twist that truth. Not any more than a husband loving his wife as Christ loved the church and be willing to die for her is a sign of weakness on his part. Some Christians almost feel embarrassed when their non-Christian friends shove these truths in their faces and they feel embarrassed.

Far from it. We must never be embarrassed of the biblical truth. These are wonderful truths. In fact, the fallacy of this deception is literally keeping a lot of believing and Christian couples from truly living an exemplary marriage because they’ve been impacted. As a matter of fact, several years ago I saw a British cartoon which is illustrated the point.

This cartoon is a group of angry women on a platform in a train station. They’re having placards and signs: "Down with Paul, Down with Paul, Paul is a hater of women," because that’s what they tell you. "Down with Paul." And then the next frame, you see the train and you see Paul coming out of the train at the door and he looks over there and he says, "Oh, I can see you got my letter."

But this manufactured anger could not be further from the real truth of biblical teaching. Some professing Christians already bought into this deliberate confusion, whether they know it or not, they bought into it. And it’s a lie from the pit of hell. They’re embarrassed about biblical teaching.

Let me ask you a question. Answer it only to yourself. What is harder? To die for someone or to cook a meal for someone? Paul said for the husband to love his wife so much that like Christ they should be willing to die for their wives. Last time I checked, dying was not a walk in the park.

Now beloved, here’s the truth, listen carefully. You cannot love without submitting. Oh, but you can submit without loving. I’m going to repeat this. You cannot love without submitting your will, your desire. But you can submit without loving. I’m not going to ask you to raise your hand. How many of you submit to your boss at work and you don’t necessarily love them?

I know Christians are supposed to love everybody, but you can submit to your boss and do what the boss says but you don’t really love a love relationship. But you can’t love anybody without truly subjugating your own needs, your own desires, your own wants, your own ambition for their good, that their good comes first.

So who has the tougher assignment? Husbands. Not only that but Paul is not only reciting what God says in his words, he did not make the rules. He was just telling you what God said. So when people criticize biblical marriages, don’t be embarrassed about it. Defend it, stand for it.

And if they think that Christianity enslaves women, tell them come with me to Iran or Saudi Arabia and I’ll show you what enslavement is. And I can tell you without any apologies that the Lord Jesus Christ is the only one who has liberated women from all the slavery that culture put on them.

We have such hypocrisy in the secular culture that we stay silent at what they doing to women in the Middle East. But we pick up a piece of scripture without understanding and embarrass Christians by it without proper explanation. Remember, this is always Satan’s way: attack biblical marriage, attack biblical marriage, whichever way it comes or wherever it may come from. It could come from pulpits or it could come from denominational headquarters.

He did it in the garden and he keeps doing it every single day to this day. Here’s the bottom line. Malleability means that both husband and wife subject their own desires to the other out of respect for Jesus. That’s why you do it. And that’s why I said in the beginning if Jesus is not the center of your life, this is going to be a moot issue.

But you do it out of respect for Jesus. Malleability means that each sacrifice for the other. Stubbornness is the opposite of malleability and stubbornness is the characteristic of Satan and sin. It does not mean that you’re not going to have a disagreement. Of course not. It doesn’t mean that you’re not going to have, or at least what we call it at our house, vigorous discussions, call it what you want, fights, whatever.

No, it doesn't mean that you will never have a knock-down drag-out argument. No. But because of maturity, magnanimity, and malleability, and because of the presence of the Holy Spirit, you’re always going to land your plane on selflessness runway. And that is the joy that can come out of pain that I talked about.

That is the beauty that can come out of ashes. That is the success that can come out of bitterness and that is the renewal of the marriage vow that should take in some form be on a daily basis. That renewal, and God honors it, and it gets more joyful every day.

Guest (Male): Thank you for joining listeners across six continents for the passionate biblical insights of Dr. Michael Youssef on Leading the Way Audio. Make it a point to listen to the next episode when he looks at another ingredient in biblically sound relationships: forgiveness. You’ll be glad you did.

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Guest (Male): Let’s walk through these open doors together and take the Gospel to the ends of the earth. Learn more at LTW.org. Learn ways to stand with Dr. Youssef in leading the way for people living in spiritual darkness to discover the light of Christ when you call 866-626-4356.

And of course, you can always visit the website to learn more about the ministries of Leading the Way and how to offer one-time generous gifts or take steps to become a frontline mission partner. Stand with Dr. Youssef today. Here’s the address: LTW.org. This program is brought to you by Leading the Way with Dr. Michael Youssef.