Focus on the Family

John Fuller: The following program is sponsored by Focus on the Family and is made possible by the heartfelt support of listeners like you. This is John Fuller, and please remember to let us know how you're listening to these programs on a podcast, app, or website.

Imagine being in the woods and you're all alone. There's no moon, just shadows everywhere you look, and it's totally dark. The night is filled with strange, unsettling sounds. You've got no light, no map, no trails to find, and you are lost.

I'm John Fuller, and today on Focus on the Family with Jim Daly, we're going to hear about the difficult journey that many married couples face when they have a child with special needs. It's a lot like being lost and alone in the woods. We have good news for you, a message of hope and help, and we're so glad you've joined us.

Jim Daly: John, that's a great way to describe it. I don't think I need to say much more. I'm looking forward to the discussion. It's not a lighthearted discussion. When you get married, you say the I-dos. Of course, we have the wonderful vows that we give each other: for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness or in health. Then things begin to happen.

You stand at the altar that day and nothing can conquer the two of you. You're going for it. You have your dreams and this is what life is going to look like as it begins to unfold. As any mature person knows who's been married for a while, it doesn't unfold the way you envisioned it in those early days. Different things happen, and one of the things that can happen is when you have a child with special needs.

There are many people that experience this, and we want to encourage you and help you do the best job you can do, especially as believers in Christ, and to be able to honor that life that God has placed in your care. It's a big challenge and a burden, but can we find the joy in the journey? We're going to talk about that today.

John Fuller: We're going to talk specifically about marriage. As you know, for 20 years now, we've had a special needs journey that has required hundreds, actually thousands of hours of meetings, appointments, and therapists in the home to do occupational and physical therapy and paperwork. Oh my goodness, we have boxes of paperwork.

All of that is just under the surface of normal life. What we find is that we're exhausted and emotionally it's very difficult to come together. There have been times we've been pretty empty as a couple, which is why I'm glad we have our guests here today because they're really dialed into this topic.

Dr. Todd and Kristin Evans join us. They're authors, speakers, entrepreneurs, and parents who are passionate about helping other parents who have special needs kids. Todd and Kristin have a book that really forms the basis for our conversation today, *How to Build a Thriving Marriage as You Care for Children with Disabilities*. They also have a website that's very helpful: disabilityparenting.com.

Jim Daly: Let me say this, we're going to say it a couple of times, John. If you are in this situation or know somebody in this situation, let's get this content to you. We'll talk about that throughout the program today. Welcome to both of you. It's good to have you here.

Kristin Evans: Thank you. Thanks so much, Jim. We're so excited to be here.

Jim Daly: You describe in the book, and this is the opening which was so cleverly done by the team, you describe this moment as a survival internship you were doing in grad school. Did you do this together?

Todd Evans: Yes, we did it together.

Jim Daly: It sounds like something every married couple should do. As I was reading, I was thinking this should be our marriage counseling. Describe what happened and why you apply it to this parenting moment that you guys experienced. What was this outdoors adventure all about?

Kristin Evans: It was the first thing you do in this graduate year-long internship. We were with a group of eight other people. I think every couple thinking about getting married should do this because it was a test on our marriage. Basically, we were dropped out in the middle of the wilderness with a topographical map, not a trail map, a compass, and basic supplies.

Todd Evans: We knew they were going to take us at some point, so they had us pack bags and all that. It was a full backpacking kit for a 14-day experience.

Jim Daly: 14 days. Is there a reality TV show like this? Survival whatever. Tell me about the experience.

Todd Evans: They just dropped us off in the middle of the wilderness, so we had to find our bearings and figure out where we were on the map. We argued a lot as a group and as a couple, trying to figure it out. No, we should go this way. The river is showing us this. Let's climb a tree and see what's over there. We had all these ideas.

Kristin Evans: We wandered in the same circle for a whole day. We ended up without water one night. It was really fun.

Jim Daly: It gave you some insights into communication and working together. You say at one point you were lost. That summarizes the comparison. Parenting with special needs kids, you're not expecting this. You're lost in an emotional fog, a spiritual fog. Describe that comparison.

Kristin Evans: You just feel stressed. Fear and anxiety start. We didn't find the water that one night and you're thinking, "Are we ever going to get out of here?" Similar to parenting a child with special needs, you have to quickly learn advanced wilderness survival skills. You're isolated out there.

The consequences of your choices are so much more impactful on your life. If you're out in the wilderness, there's no water hose and nowhere to go get water. If you don't have water and you're not prepared right, you're going to suffer and potentially end up in a terrible place. I think it is the same kind of thing with our family.

The consequences of not being able to take care of our child literally every day were life-or-death decisions in how we chose to care for her. That level of impact is stressful. It wears on you.

Jim Daly: For those of us that haven't experienced that, it's hard to imagine what that would feel like where you've got that constant pressure that you could lose your child if you're not hyper-vigilant. To be hyper-vigilant all the time wears you down in so many ways relationally with each other. Todd, I can't believe that you were running businesses at this time too, trying to keep that all moving. Your first date night had some issues related to it, am I right?

Kristin Evans: We didn't want to be in the same room with each other by that point.

Jim Daly: Let alone the same car. Describe that. Why? Here you are in the fight of your life trying to get it together. Some people are thinking you're back-to-back, you're bound by your marriage covenant, you're Christian believers, and you couldn't do a date night with each other.

Todd Evans: What you describe is really true for the first three or four months. We were back-to-back, we had each other, and we started grieving together the initial loss. As time grew on, about a year and a half into our daughter being born, we had the first date night. By that time, we had almost drifted apart. Our grief journeys were different. Our needs and focuses were different.

I became very fixated on survival of the family and finances. She was still caught up in a lot of the emotions, the grief, and the trauma of it all. At this point, we weren't really together as a couple. We were functioning as caregiving parents that were partners.

Kristin Evans: Business partners.

Jim Daly: Business partners. Describe your daughter's ailments and difficulties just to give a picture for the audience. What were you dealing with day to day? Describe that stress.

Kristin Evans: She came home from the NICU after three months on four machines. It was 24-hour care before we finally got nursing help. She would go into medical emergencies in an instant and have to go back to the hospital. Sometimes I ended up at a hospital four hours away while he was trying to work. We were separated and that chronic stress begins to impact the marriage in so many ways.

Todd Evans: She had difficulties with just about every organ. We used a breathing machine and oxygen, a feeding tube, and a heart monitor. I built a little NICU bed that was at the foot of our bed. It was 24 hours. We couldn't go away from our room.

Kristin Evans: We were constantly looking at the machines and the heart rate. The beeper goes off at 2:00 in the morning. You had to wake up every two hours to change her formula and things, so there was very little sleep.

Jim Daly: Let me take us back to date night. You don't want to be in the room together. Describe emotionally where you were that the stress was coming out. All of us in marriage have things that happen. It may not be this circumstance, but something will happen where there's stress or loss of life in the family.

Often, we feel safe with our partner, so that stress comes at the spouse. That's the way the other spouse is dealing with it. It's not helpful obviously, and it's hurtful. Describe that in your own personal way how that played out to where you didn't want to be in the room together.

Kristin Evans: I would say very deep hurt and mistrust.

Todd Evans: She was looking to me for help and emotional support. I was at my emotional threshold. I could not take any more, so it was like I had my shield up, blocking everything she threw at me for emotional support. I told her, "I can't deal with this. Get over it. Deal with it on your own."

Jim Daly: I think for men, we don't know where to go. We want to be someone who can solve this for our wives, and we don't have the answer. We do not do well when we don't have answers. It's the way we're wired, so we tend to pull back and withdraw. Is that what you did?

Todd Evans: I would withdraw into work, into caring for the family, looking over the finances, and the day-to-day medical stuff. That was all I had. It was the last bit of energy, with none left over to care for my wife. That built up resentment and hurt for her.

Kristin Evans: In the beginning, I came to him and would say I was having a hard time and postpartum depression. He said, "You don't need help." I did most of the doctor's appointments where I got devastating news. I would come home and say the doctors said she'd never walk, never talk, and never get off the feeding tube.

Jim Daly: You're taking all this initial emotional trauma.

Kristin Evans: The grief, trauma, and the daily tasks. He said, "Okay, I've had a really stressful day. What do I need to do? Does she need medicines?" He was solution-focused.

Jim Daly: Right.

Kristin Evans: He never heard me say, "I am sad. I am struggling." He felt we just had to move on. I felt so invalidated. Invalidated is the word for the hurt.

Jim Daly: That first date night you were doing to try to get healthier, did you end in a better place or was it the second date night? How did your date night experience go from there on?

Kristin Evans: I'm talking too much.

Todd Evans: This is good. I appreciate this. People are thinking, "Are you really digging in here, Jim?" But this is for all of us.

Kristin Evans: We want people to know if you're struggling, I'd be surprised if couples weren't struggling, honestly. We can feel so alone in that.

Jim Daly: Even without children with disabilities. It's such a hard statement. Obviously, you stayed married. When did you see that change in your heart when you said you were looking forward to date night?

Todd Evans: It was probably the third or fourth date night. We said, "Let's go do something together."

Kristin Evans: We just drove. Let's just drive and see where we end up.

Todd Evans: I told her, "Let's just go and see where we end up." We started driving and ended up at a lake about 25 minutes away. We got out. Water and nature have always been a big part of our time together. We just stood there on the dock looking out over the water in that reflective moment and started talking.

Jim Daly: That's a pretty picture.

Kristin Evans: We actually talked. That was the first time in a long time we'd really taken the space and the time to talk and look at it.

Kristin Evans: I told him, "I don't want to be married to you anymore." I was that hurt.

Jim Daly: Wow.

John Fuller: This is Focus on the Family with Jim Daly, and our guests today are Kristin and Todd Evans. They're being very candid about the challenges in their marriage and the emptiness and aloneness they felt. Here at Focus, we have great resources for you, including a counseling team that we'd be very honored to connect you with.

Our number is 800-A-FAMILY, and you can also find resources like that counseling team and the book the Evanses have written, *How to Build a Thriving Marriage as You Care for Children with Disabilities*, which obviously has application to most of us as married couples. Get the details about these resources and more help for you and your family at focusonthefamily.com/broadcast.

Jim Daly: Kristin, that is a serious thing to say to your husband. "I don't want to be married to you anymore." That would catch my attention. What was the next thing that happened? Todd, how did you respond to that?

Todd Evans: I somewhat already knew she had those feelings because there had been distance between us for months. It was crushing to hear the person you love say those words to you.

Jim Daly: Did you hear it as a cry for help or a verdict from a judge?

Todd Evans: I wouldn't say necessarily either one of those. It was more of, "I have to do something." It wasn't the solutions focus of men we were talking about earlier. This was, "I hear her deep soul. I hear her calling out saying this, and I've got to do something different." I wanted something to be different, and this had to be the moment that things changed directions tremendously. I had to look at her and say, "Kristin, I'm not going to give up on us. I haven't given up on us. I want to be married to you and we can do this. Let's try to make this work."

Jim Daly: Kristin, in that moment, how did you feel? Was that enough? Obviously, you're here so we know the rest of the story, as Paul Harvey would say, but in that moment there was no concreteness. Nothing was guaranteed. When Todd expressed that, how did your heart feel?

Kristin Evans: I felt heard for the first time in a very long time. I was amazed that he was going back to our wedding vows. He said, "I don't know how we're going to do this," with God who was holding us together with that third strand. There's no way we could have kept ourselves together in our marriage at that point.

I felt like after all we'd done, hurting each other and everything we'd gone through, we didn't even know how we were going to survive. Between my mental health, our daughter's life, and our marriage, he was saying, "I'm not giving up on us." Recommitment of knowing what our vows meant now and knowing what faithfulness meant was the turning point.

Jim Daly: That is a good foundation because it didn't just get better. Kristin, you mentioned the mental health wall that you hit because you're standing in despair and grief. Todd, I'm sure you were doing the best you could, trying to keep all these plates spinning with your special needs daughter. Those of us that haven't gone through that experience can only imagine the pressures you're feeling. But there was a pretty dark day. Can you describe that?

Kristin Evans: There was a dark half a year and it just got to the point I felt so alone and hopeless. At the time, this was part of the hurt. I told Todd I was struggling and needed to go to counseling. I was reliving the trauma of the pregnancy over and over. He was like, "We don't have the money. We don't have the time."

That built to the point, and we know that the sooner you seek treatment, the better your health outcomes tend to be. I got to the point where, due to the chronic stress, I couldn't get out of bed. I wasn't eating. I couldn't care for my children. My parents practically moved in. Love and support were with us this whole time, but I didn't see another way out.

Jim Daly: What happened?

Kristin Evans: I made a serious suicide attempt. I woke up in the ICU four days later. Todd found me, so he's got that trauma. He just happened to find me. I was sleeping in and he felt like he needed to go up and check on me. He found me just in time. The doctors couldn't explain how I survived. It's a medical miracle. They said I should have died.

Jim Daly: Todd, your life at that point had to be swirling with the kid situation and your wife in the hospital after attempting to take her life. What was going on for you?

Todd Evans: I think I've blocked a lot of that. It was just a move forward. There is a warrior mentality. I had to keep doing what I can to help. This was after that night on the lake. Something important for couples to hear is that it's not an immediate fix. Just saying something isn't going to fix it immediately.

All the pain and hurt that we'd gone through in that previous year and a half was the result of it. Even though we were trying to build our marriage back and working together, there were still days that were overwhelming. It was just too much for her at that point. I feel guilt that I didn't relieve enough maybe, and definitely a hopelessness that there's not much I can do. The fact she survived was incredible and a God-sent blessing.

Jim Daly: I want to pull that aspect into this because we've talked a lot about what you're going through as people living in a fallen world. Give me the spiritual dynamic of all this. There had to be some sense of guilt as well. Jean would feel that. Her two brothers committed suicide, and I was the "let's go" type. She was saying she couldn't.

Even though you're describing your context with a special needs child and ours was another thing, the dynamics were quite similar in terms of despair, not being heard, and being told to pick up yourself and go. It's giving me chills because I made similar mistakes. I wasn't paying attention. I was just saying, "Let's go." This is touching a lot of people in their marital ways. Where's God in this? Did you have it out with him?

Kristin Evans: A lot of people feel guilt and shame if they're struggling in their faith. Now I know that if you're struggling in your faith, mental health is intertwined. My guilt and shame from grieving, almost wishing things would have been different with our daughter, maybe that it would have been better if she hadn't survived, and being angry at God were things I couldn't admit.

I felt like that was a sin. That was a lot of my problem. A pastoral counselor and my therapist said I had to talk to God. I just couldn't. I felt abandoned by God watching our daughter suffer. It began to spiral in this depression, the spiritual struggle, and the guilt and shame. It was all wrapped up for me.

Jim Daly: For moms that are listening, how did you close that gap? There wasn't a miracle. Your daughter still struggles, but you're in a different place. How did you get there from that conversation with God to being spiritually confident in that?

Kristin Evans: I think it was coming to the point to say I don't get it. I was agonizing over how God could be good and allow this to happen. It was at the point at a lake again, where I was asking how he could create this much beauty and yet this suffering.

I finally said, "I don't understand God, but I'm choosing to trust you and I'm choosing to have faith." That was a turning point for me to begin to live my day waking up expressing gratitude and faith and choosing joy. It's a choice. Choosing joy, choosing to trust God, and finding our joy in him.

John Fuller: That is a profound conclusion from our guest Kristin Evans. Along with her husband Todd, they've been with us today on Focus on the Family with Jim Daly. Todd and Kristin's remarkable story is captured in their book, *How to Build a Thriving Marriage as You Care for Children with Disabilities*.

Jim Daly: John, I'm certain this discussion has touched many people today, including couples and families who are struggling to care for someone with special needs. If that describes you or someone you know, I hope you'll contact us here at Focus on the Family. We want to help in any way we can.

We also touched on the topic of suicide. I know there may be one or more people listening right now who feel alone, abandoned, and hopeless like Kristin did. If so, reach out for help today. Don't stay alone. God wants to share his hope and love with you. We have Christian counselors who are available to talk with you and pray with you about whatever challenges you may be facing.

John Fuller: We're a phone call away. The number is 800-A-FAMILY. Just ask to speak with a counselor when you call. Or stop by focusonthefamily.com/broadcast for more details.

Jim Daly: I'm so thankful for the donors who support Focus on the Family, allowing us to provide these resources like counseling and books to help at your point of need. I'm inviting you to join this support team as well.

Send a gift of any amount to Focus on the Family, and we'll say thank you by putting a copy of Todd and Kristin's book into your hands. Maybe you know a family who needs this kind of encouragement, or you can get a copy for your church library.

John Fuller: Jim, the response we're getting from families who have benefited from Focus resources generally is just amazing. A woman named Bridget has been listening for more than 35 years, and she said this: "Your guidance became light unto my feet since I came from a traumatic background. God is on the move through your ministry, planting seeds for his glory. My children and my grandchildren listen daily now too."

Jim Daly: That's wonderful. Thank you, Bridget, for sharing that comment. That's the kind of impact we can have together when you support this ministry today.

John Fuller: We'd love to hear from you. Call today, 800-A-FAMILY, or you can donate at focusonthefamily.com/broadcast. If you've got a story or a comment about how Focus on the Family has impacted your life like Bridget did, let us know. We have a link at our website in the show notes as well where you can leave a message for Jim and the team. We welcome your encouragement. Coming up tomorrow, the incredible power of doing brain surgery on yourself.

Guest (Male): That's the bad news, so to speak, that your kids can be born with some burdens that they didn't need to have. The good news is we know now that you can reverse all those things if you figure out how to manage things well in your life. All those genetic starting points can be switched off, and you can develop a more healthy and longer life.

John Fuller: Thanks for listening to Focus on the Family with Jim Daly. I'm John Fuller, inviting you back as we once more help you and your family thrive in Christ.